WTF kind of BBQ is this???

[Kolga]

That is a terrible story about terrible hosts. If you can't afford a party, you don't have one. We bought a house on Friday and are having a housewarming in a few weeks, and more than 50 people have RSVP'd that they are coming. We're providing entrees (both carnivorous and vegetarian), side dishes (ditto), beer and non-alcoholic beverages, and a babysitter for several hours so the adults can relax and the kids can frolic. We've asked (but not demanded) that guests bring snacks or desserts ONLY IF THEY WANT TO, but made it clear that it's not expected.

And we're glad to cover all of that, because that's what hosts do for a party. You don't say "I'm having a party, come over! Oh, and bring cash."

Were these people raised by marmots?

[elucidator]

When I was a young lad, studying for admission to the penitentiary, my grandfather was on strike. Again. I noticed when he was talking to fellow strikers, all of whom were suffering the tough times that result from striking, he would be telling them he would drop by with some papers to sign, stuff like that. And people would say "Well, we have supper around six, why don't you stop by then?"

But we never did, and I noticed it. Why, Daddy Rip, why did we never go over when invited.

Because, Shit for Brains (his affectionate nickname, alternate with Numnuts....) what they are telling is when not to come over. If we came over at six, they would feel obliged to offer us a plate at the table, and would be embarrassed. And they are having the same okra and pinto beans we are, and its just barely enough, or a little less than that. Insult a man, he might forgive you, embarrass him, and he won't.

Never forgot it.

[kushiel]

Sooo, um, I forget what part of Canada you're in, alice_in_wonderland, but I was kinda wondering if the hosts were from a different ethnic culture. I mean, I don't know any cultures who pull this, but it sure as hell isn't Canadian culture!

[alice_in_wonderland]

Originally Posted by kushiel

Sooo, um, I forget what part of Canada you're in, alice_in_wonderland, but I was kinda wondering if the hosts were from a different ethnic culture. I mean, I don't know any cultures who pull this, but it sure as hell isn't Canadian culture!

Nope, white bread farm woman. I told my coworker who grew up on a farm and she was horrified. I haven't met anyone that thinks its normal.

[Jake Jones]

Originally Posted by Cat Whisperer

I'm embarrassed for these people - you just don't *do* that!

That's exactly how I feel. I feel bad for them, honestly. I feel bad for everyone roped into this "BBQ" too, but these people "hosting" anything is going to accomplish the exact opposite of what hosting is supposed to accomplish.

It must have been very uncomfortable for everyone attending. I'm thinking somewhere near or above the level of an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiam" on LSD.

Did they at least accept American Express?

[Spoons]

Originally Posted by alice_in_wonderland

I haven't met anyone that thinks its normal.

You can count me among those. This is not normal.

Mind, I have no problem if I've been informed ahead of time that there will be a charge of some sort. That's not unusual in the circles I travel in. But to head for an event to which you have been invited, with no knowledge of a fee; and once arrived, to be told that you owe $X--that's not right.

[elbows]

But the wedding hosts who explicitly insist that you should buy a gift (or give cash in lieu of a gift) expensive enough to "cover your plate" (i.e., equal to or greater than the cost per head charged by the caterer) certainly are.

Of course I've heard the rationale before, and realize lots of people use the projected cost of their meal, to help guide what they'll spend on a gift, (equally silly!), but not ever, not once, have I heard of someone actually being told this by the host.



That's a wedding I would not attend, right there.

It would be awfully tempting to make a call to the caterer, get a complete breakdown on the meal, per plate, the appetizers, etc, then total it all up, like on an invoice, for two, with appetizers, taxes, tip for the server, a total and a cheque. Maybe even a 'paid in full' stamp or a note saying you hope this fulfills the hosts gift request, exactly as expressed.

That is beyond boorish!

[Boyo Jim]

Originally Posted by Kimstu

... But the wedding hosts who explicitly insist that you should buy a gift (or give cash in lieu of a gift) expensive enough to "cover your plate" (i.e., equal to or greater than the cost per head charged by the caterer) certainly are. ...

I have heard you should buy such a gift as a point of good manners, but I have never experienced or even heard of wedding hosts that explicitly say so.

[ugly ripe tomato]

Originally Posted by elbows

It would be awfully tempting to make a call to the caterer, get a complete breakdown on the meal, per plate, the appetizers, etc, then total it all up, like on an invoice, for two, with appetizers, taxes, tip for the server, a total and a cheque. Maybe even a 'paid in full' stamp or a note saying you hope this fulfills the hosts gift request, exactly as expressed.

That is beyond boorish!

I would never attend a wedding where someone TOLD me what gift to give. Registries are one thing; they get something they want and I don't have to think too hard when shopping for a gift.

Instead I'd send them a beautiful card with a note inside saying I'd made a donation in their names to one of those organizations where you can buy a cow for a starving village in Africa.

[JKellyMap]

Originally Posted by Emtar KronJonDerSohn

I grew up understanding that to be invited means please come, free of charge, I would like to see you and I will pay your way. When someone invites you to their home it is polite to ask "is there anything I can bring?" and they might request a special side dish you make or ask you to bring drinks or a dessert.

Indeed, in Spanish, "invitar" means specifically to "pay for someone else's (drink, meal, etc.)". Not so in English, but as others have said, in this situation, it's assumed unless you say otherwise.

[Malthus]

Originally Posted by alice_in_wonderland

Nope, white bread farm woman. I told my coworker who grew up on a farm and she was horrified. I haven't met anyone that thinks its normal.

That makes it beyond odd. The country folk I know of would be totally scandalized by such boorishness, as offering hospitality is a big part of their culture - even moreso than city folk.

Mind you, no city folk I know of would do that either.

[pulykamell]

Originally Posted by Boyo Jim

I have heard you should buy such a gift as a point of good manners, but I have never experienced or even heard of wedding hosts that explicitly say so.

Never heard of that either. "Cover your plate, and add a little more" is the guideline I grew up with as a guest, but it's not explicit, it's not required, and it's perhaps not as common these days as it used to be, what with wedding registries and all. I also come from a working class, recent immigrant background, where cash was pretty much the only gift you would give for weddings (the wedding shower would have the non-cash gifts.) But, anyhow, explicitly talking about gifts in any way in a wedding invitation or otherwise by the bride and groom is totally declassé.

[alice_in_wonderland]

Originally Posted by Malthus

That makes it beyond odd. The country folk I know of would be totally scandalized by such boorishness, as offering hospitality is a big part of their culture - even moreso than city folk.

That's always been my experience as well - being that it was a farm, perhaps she actually WAS born in a barn.

[John Mace]

In these types of situations, though, it's best to go along to get along and don't stress about it. It gives you a funny story to tell afterwards, and a little reminder never to accept an "invitation" from those folks again!

Not that I think the OP is stressing, but some people would.

[Anaamika]

Originally Posted by gamerunknown

Well, I agree with Manda JO, but my family visited a family in India when I was a kid. We were bringing them a consignment of Bibles or something related to the White Sisters of Southall, at any rate... They gave us a platter with 10 different types of food on it. Their street didn't even have road signs, electricity or running water.

This is definitely Indian hospitality. The poorer you are, the more inclined you are to share what little you have. Maybe that's why rich people are rich. All I know is, I love my poor relatives best of all.