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  #51  
Old 10-15-2002, 09:06 AM
Toaster52 Toaster52 is offline
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I am in absolute AWE of the fantastic creativity that is shown here!!!












....bows down in utter amazement.....
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CAUTION: may contain Mature material......but I doubt it.


Coldfire says I got cojones!!
  #52  
Old 10-15-2002, 09:22 AM
astorian astorian is online now
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LOTR: Choose Your Own Adventure

You're sitting in your hole, smoking a pipe and drinking some fine hobbit ale, when the door knocks. Outside, there's Gandalf the Wizard. Do you let him in?

If yes, go to page 65, if no, turn to page 43.

Page 65
"Ah, my dear Frodo, it's good to see you. Now, my boy, I'm here on urgent business. The magic ring your Uncle Bilbo took from Gollum is cursed, and must be taken far from here, until we decide what to do with it. Will you take on this mission?"

If yes, go to page 13, if no, turn to page 72:

Page 72:
"Your courage does you honor, Frodo. Take this ring, and I'll meet you later. Do you want me to meet you at Galdriel's tree fortress or at Elrond's palace?"

For Galadriel's fortress, go to page 88, for Elrond's palace, turn to page 27.

Page 68:
As you enter the forest, the beautiful Galadriel and her footmen greet you. She says, "My, you're courageous to take this quest. Carrying that ring must be exhausting. Would you like to keep it, or give it to me?"

To keep the ring, go to page 47, to give it to Galadriel, turn to page 88.

Page 88:

"HAHAHAHAHAHA, you foolish halfling," she cries. "Now I am beautiful and terrible and mighty, and will rule all the Earth."

As she laughs, she signals her minions to torure you to death. At least, you die knowing you won't be around to see all of Earth under her tyranny.

THE END
  #53  
Old 10-15-2002, 11:10 AM
First Brother First Brother is offline
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Hello,

I found out about this thread over on swordforum.com. I hope you all don't mind, but I couldn't resist! Here's mine...



Shaw Brothers/Kung-fu theater style… (All dubbed dialogue that doesn’t quite match lip movement, of course!)

One Ring of Death (aka Ninja Fellowship, aka A Halfling Loaf of Kung Fu, aka Shaolin Versus Mordor, aka Superfighters)



[Gimli and Legolas finished off the last Orc with dual sidekicks to either side of the Orc’s neck.]

Gimli and Legolas: (Simultaneously) That’s six! Still tied!

[Suddenly the Chief Abbot appears at the other side of the Moria Bridge.]

Chief Abbot: Why, you! How dare ya disrupt my plansssss!!!

Gandalf: Chief Abbot!

Chief Abbot: Fool! Haven’t you figured it out by now? I’m really the Balrog!

All: Ah!

Balrog/Chief Abbot: For years now, I’ve been exiled into these caves. But what you didn’t know is… I’ve found the lost book!

Gandalf: You mean…

Balrog/Chief Abbot: Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaaaaa!

Balrog/Chief Abbot: That’s right! The book of the five fiery fists. And I’ve finally mastered it too.

Frodo: Why, you!

[Frodo has flash-back of quick cut scenes showing the murder of his parents.]

Frodo: You must pay!

[Frodo leaps forward only to be thrown back by Gandalf.]

Gandalf: No! Your kung fu is still too weak. Go! Take the ring to mount doom. Learn it’s secret style. And avenge my death!

[Gandalf leaps forward, kicking the Balrog in the chest.]

[Balrog staggers back a few steps and then steadies himself.]

Balrog/Chief Abbot: Right. [Balrog gives thumbs up to Gandalf] Your beggars Kung Fu really is peerless. But still. You’re wastin’ your time if you think you can beat me!

[Balrog leaps forward, easily deflects a few of Gandalf’s blows, and plants an eagle claw to Gandalf’s throat.]

Gandalf: (Strangling) You’ve forgotten one thing. My secret kick.

[And with that, Gandalf slams his foot down on the bridge, sending them both into the abyss.]

Frodo: Maaaaassssttteeeerrrrrrr!!!!!!!!
  #54  
Old 10-15-2002, 12:03 PM
asterion asterion is offline
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Well, not really writers, but:

LotR with Sportscaster Commentary (preferably Madden)

The army that wins will be the one that kills more of the enemy while not getting as many of themselves killed.

What's important for the forces of good? Turnovers. The forces of good can't turn over that ring. Turning over that ring will have a definite impact on the outcome of this war.

Watch as the pocket collapses around the Nazgul King and BOOM! He's down.

Let's go down to our battlefield sideline reporter for an update on Theoden. "Well, John, the word is that Theoden has been hit with a dart and mortally wounded, so his return for the second half is (wait for it) questionable."

And, of course:

The evil that is Sauron pales in comparision to the throwing ability of Brett Farve.


You guys got any more?
  #55  
Old 10-15-2002, 12:28 PM
Knowed Out Knowed Out is offline
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I took the cart to the Shire, where the inhabitants average about 3 feet in height, which is about the same distance a Democrat's hand is from the ground as he's about to filch your wallet. As the cart bounced on the root-laden dirt road that the hobbits apparently tended to as much as the Bosnian legislature tends to their bullethole removal fund, I finally saw Frodo, pipe in hand. I wondered if the weed was Cuban, smuggled into this country by Elian Gonzales's cabin mates.

Frodo is your typical hobbit, about as prescient to events going on in the outside world as goldfish are of Eminem's tatooes. Yet let one of these pubic-footed Under the Rainbow extras out of the Shire, and he somehow steals the most powerful weapon in the known world and brings it back. It's the equivalent of letting your canary fly out of the cage for a few minutes and having her return with a fully-armed Russian tactical nuke.

Frodo acts like he's got some kind of issue with me, but fortunately a lit sparkler out of my backpack makes him forget. I wonder how many sparklers it will take for me to convince him to forget the dangers of taking the most powerful weapon in the known world over to the black pits of hell from which it spawned to destroy it. Fortunately, I brought a 12-pack.


P. J. O'Rourke, Lord of the Futon
  #56  
Old 10-15-2002, 12:39 PM
VunderBob VunderBob is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ranchoth
The King of the Nazgul (KotN) fingered the safety buckle that secured the shortsword in it's scabbard. It was modeled after the Gladius design, making it wholly inadequate for going up against Elven armour, but it was perfectly suited for being jammed in the collarbone of a Hobbit 'merc, without calling too much attention to it's owner. His XO, "Camel" Khamul had used a similar weapon in numerous CoIN missions in North Gondor, where he had been sent to disrupt "Elrond's" supply fellowships sneaking down the Is-ild-ur trail.
The KotN smiled, even without a head. This mission was almost going to be a mead-run. Taking out a squad of sleeping halflings was going to be easier than slaying Wyvyrns sitting on a tarmac...

-Hunt for the Ring, Tom Clancy
Damn you, Ranchoth, you beat me to it! But I would have cast Jack Ryan as Frodo, John Clark as Aragorn, etc...
  #57  
Old 10-15-2002, 01:16 PM
ChordedZither ChordedZither is offline
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I sing of Rings, and the halfling who,
Forced by fate and eveil Sauron's unrelenting stare,
First left the Shires for the mountains for Mordor.
Long labors, both by water and land he bore,
Until the doubtful war was won, the destined tower razed,
The evil gods banished by rites arcane,
And settled sure succession in Aragorn's line,
Whence comes the race of human kings,
And the long glories of majestic Gondor.

-- The Gondoriad, Vergil
  #58  
Old 10-15-2002, 02:06 PM
Orkin Orkin is offline
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Would anyone like to try some Robert E Howard?
  #59  
Old 10-15-2002, 02:36 PM
tracer tracer is offline
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Or how about Mickey Spillane's "I, the Ringwraith" ?
  #60  
Old 10-15-2002, 02:36 PM
CPStevens CPStevens is offline
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The Reverend Dodgson submits the following:

Frodo was beginning to get very tired of living with his uncle Bilbo in Hobbiton and of having nothing to do: once or twice he had peeped into the red book in which Bilbo was writing, but he couldn’t make it out and it did not have enough pictures of elves, ‘and what is the use of a book,' thought Frodo `without pictures of elves?'

So he was considering in his own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made him feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of having an ale with Sam in Bywater would be worth the trouble of getting up and collecting Same, when suddenly a dwarf with a blue hood and walking stick ran close by him.

There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did Frodo think it so very much out of the way to hear the Dwarf say to himself, `Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late! And Balin will be so angry with me' (when he thought it over afterwards, it occurred to him that he ought to have wondered at this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the dwarf actually took a large axe out of its belt, and swung it a few times as if preparing for battle, and then hurried on, Frodo started to his feet, for it flashed across his mind that he had never before seen a Dwarf in Hobbiton with either an axe or a belt to remove it from, and burning with curiosity, he ran across the field after it, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large hole under the hedge.

In another moment down went Frodo after it, never once considering how in the world he was to get out again. The hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Frodo had not a moment to think about stopping himself before he found himself falling down a very deep well.

Either the well was very deep, or he fell very slowly, for he had plenty of time as he went down to look about him and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, he tried to look down and make out what he was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then he looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book-shelves; here and there she saw maps of Middle Earth and pictures of dragons hung upon pegs. He took down a jar from one of the shelves as he passed; it was labeled `LEMBAS,' but to his great disappointment it was empty . . . .

From Frodo's Adventures in Middle Earth, by Lewis Carroll.
  #61  
Old 10-15-2002, 02:38 PM
CPStevens CPStevens is offline
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The Reverend Dodgson submits the following:

Frodo was beginning to get very tired of living with his uncle Bilbo in Hobbiton and of having nothing to do: once or twice he had peeped into the red book in which Bilbo was writing, but he couldn’t make it out and it did not have enough pictures of elves, ‘and what is the use of a book,' thought Frodo `without pictures of elves?'

So he was considering in his own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made him feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of having an ale with Sam in Bywater would be worth the trouble of getting up and collecting Same, when suddenly a dwarf with a blue hood and walking stick ran close by him.

There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did Frodo think it so very much out of the way to hear the Dwarf say to himself, `Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late! And Balin will be so angry with me' (when he thought it over afterwards, it occurred to him that he ought to have wondered at this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the dwarf actually took a large axe out of its belt, and swung it a few times as if preparing for battle, and then hurried on, Frodo started to his feet, for it flashed across his mind that he had never before seen a Dwarf in Hobbiton with either an axe or a belt to remove it from, and burning with curiosity, he ran across the field after it, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large hole under the hedge.

In another moment down went Frodo after it, never once considering how in the world he was to get out again. The hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Frodo had not a moment to think about stopping himself before he found himself falling down a very deep well.

Either the well was very deep, or he fell very slowly, for he had plenty of time as he went down to look about him and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, he tried to look down and make out what he was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then he looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book-shelves; here and there he saw maps of Middle Earth and pictures of dragons hung upon pegs. He took down a jar from one of the shelves as he passed; it was labeled `LEMBAS,' but to his great disappointment it was empty . . . .

From Frodo's Adventures in Middle Earth, by Lewis Carroll.
  #62  
Old 10-15-2002, 02:45 PM
Eegba Eegba is offline
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Suprised someone else hasn't come up with this one:



"What's it going to be then, eh?"

There was me, that is Frodo, and my three droogs, that is Merry, Pippin, and Sam, Sam being really dim, and we sat in the Prancing Pony making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winter bastard...




That's all I've got today. Someone with more talent can continue it.
  #63  
Old 10-15-2002, 05:52 PM
Fingolfin Fingolfin is offline
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Hehehehehe, O man, these are just great!!

Tom Wolfe

His head still on the pillow, Frodo Baggins groaned. The sound of the knocking on the door of the Prancing Pony was shaking the poisonous yolk that was his head, shaking it, threatening to break it. The yolk was as heavy as unforged mithril, and it tilted this way and that, painful as orc-spear in naked flesh. If the yolk broke, he was finished.

What had he been doing last night? He looked with disgust at the filthy clothes he had left scattered on the floor, at the sloppy arrangement of blankets on the floor that had served him for the bed. A man-sized chair of rickety wood was by the fireplace. Dear God, the Breelanders and their cheap substitutes for real furniture. Again the yolk shifted.

Something about last night. Merry and Pippin had been getting drunk on Butterbur's tab, and he had joined them even though he only had twenty silver pennies and those had to last him until Rivendell...something about the Ring. Frodo jerked his head up and immediately the yolk crashed into his skull. His head fell again. He had sung some outrageously stupid song of that old prat Bilbo's, and even Sam had come in by then and had asked him to sing it again and Frodo, drunk with beer and attention, had agreed and then he had fallen and the Ring had fallen too -

The knocking continued. He had to answer or he would never get to sleep again. He stood up, clutching at the legs of the chair as the yolk shifted again.

He would never drink again. Never! Not so much as a small miruvor until Rivendell - he would be reformed from today on.

The knocking continued. "Oh, come in!" Frodo tried to yell, but ended in a feeble groan. God, the Breelanders, he thought again. The Ring. Why did I ever come here in the first place?
  #64  
Old 10-15-2002, 06:49 PM
Iteki Iteki is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Fingolfin
The Lord of the Rings

Starring Humphrey Bogart and Marlene Dietreich

Directed by Howard Hawks



http://ringil.cis.ksu.edu/Tolkien/Movie/lotr.mov



Anyone who hasn't watched that link, really really needs to.
I am gobsmacked. Fingolfin, did you do that yourself? How long did it take you? I want the "making-of" extras please!

click-the-link-click-the-link-click-the-link-click-the-link-click-the-link-click-the-link
  #65  
Old 10-15-2002, 07:08 PM
ForgottenLore ForgottenLore is offline
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Frodo jacked in.

He felt huge, invincible, unstoppable. Some small part of him knew that was the hits of pipe-weed talking, skewing his sense of self, making his nerves scream like they were being raked over rusted chrome. Knew, and didn't care.

Over his shoulder he could feel Sam hovering, a hollow nonentity. It was eerie knowing he was back there, like having an itch in a limb long amputated. All around him the middle-matrix arced off into an impossible blue infinity, gridlines benchmarking the empty nonspace.

"There it is," came Sam's voice. "That's the ice. Good luck breakin' in there, man, that was made by a military AI. Name of ephelduath. You ain't seen nuthin' like it. They say it's two way ice. Not only will it fry your brainpan tryin' to get in, nuthin' inside can work its way out. Leastaways, not without sarumancer's say-so."

Frodo wished Sam would shut the hell up. He also wished he wasn't about to do what he came for. He wished a lot of things. He surveyed this sector of cyberspace. Before him was the ephelduath ice, shadowy and indistinct, and very very deadly. And beyond it, just visible through the whorls of lethal, greasy code, was sarumancer himself. The Dark Lord presented in the middle-matrix as a collosal data construct, angular and hideous. A mountain of vicious, evil information so dense it was hard to look at, hard to take in all at once. It played tricks on the eyes. Each nodule, each piece of it seemed to contain a perfect glittering symmetry. A simple frightening geometry. But taken altogether it became a great organic pyramidal thing, a digital volcano spewing mirrored liquid spheres of awareness out into the void. These spheres, Frodo knew, served as sarumancer's eyes. When they intersected a gridline, at random, they would latch onto it and streak off in an unchosen direction in a vain effort to apprehend, to know, to see, all of the middle-matrix at once.

Here we go. He drew out the elvish icebreaker and contemplated its image for a moment. Given to him by Galadriel herself. He activated it, his unseen fingers moving fluidly over the keys of his Ono-Sendai. Triggered, the icebreaker flared up, a searing point of magnesium brilliance. He clicked forward, towards the ice. Slowly. Click. Carefully. Click. The elvish icebreaker encountered ephelduath's handiwork, and forced it to recede. The ice's killer algorithms spiralled futiley around Frodo and Sam as they rode the icebreaker inwards...

From The Lord of the Rings by William Gibson
  #66  
Old 10-15-2002, 07:16 PM
pravnik pravnik is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Joe_Cool
I don't have the talent to write it, but if I did, it would be by Homer.
Muse, tell us the tale of that (half)man of many wiles!
He who, excepting for shoes, was never at a loss;
ring-bearer, nine-fingered,
Frodyesseus, the far-wanderer
sailor of leaf-boats, smoker of pipe-weed
put-up-wither of of halfwitted cousins and employees,
you know, the guy you have
to spend about ten minutes introducing before anything happens.

Homer, "The Frodyessy"
  #67  
Old 10-15-2002, 07:39 PM
jsc1953 jsc1953 is offline
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Ooh, how about Patrick O'Brian? Just cut & paste a lot of incomprehensible sheets & yardarms into the text.
  #68  
Old 10-15-2002, 09:13 PM
glee glee is offline
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The Khazad-dum Bridge Disaster

Beautiful Stony Bridge of the Dwarven mines!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That two lives have been taken away
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

'Twas about seven o'clock at night,
And the Balrog it burn't with all its might,
And the fire came pouring down,
And the dark orcs seem'd to frown,
And the Demon of the fire seem'd to say-
"I'll pass across the Bridge today."

When the party left Rivendell
The Fellowship's hearts were light and they felt quite well,
But Boromir threw a terrific strop,
Which made their hearts for to stop,
And many of the Fellowship with fear did hum-
"I hope Elbereth Gilthoniel will send us safe across the Bridge of Khazad-dum."

But when the hobbits were ready to feed their tum,
The Balrog he gathered his orcish scum,
And shook the whole structure of the Bridge of Khazad-dum
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

So the Wizard mov'd slowly along the Bridge of Khazad-dum,
Until he was looking at the Balrog's bum,
Then the whole bridge gave way with a hiss,
And down went Gandalf and Fiend into the abyss!
The Fiery Fiend did loudly quip,
Because he'd gotten Gandalf with his whip,
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe which could not have been worse
The alarm from mouth to mouth spread from river to firth,
And the cry rang out all o'er Middle Earth,
The Khazad-dum Bridge is blown down - O Elbereth!
And in the Fellowship from Rivendell,
Of which all the people were scared as h*ll,
Because they all heard Gandalf's yell
"Fly, you fools!" Well, none had breath to to tell
How the disaster happen'd on the last last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.


by William F. McGonagall

see:
http://www.taynet.co.uk/users/mcgon/disaster.htm
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'glee, I take my hat off to you.... at first I thought you were kidding with your cite but I looked it up and it was indeed accurate. (Still in awe at the magnificent answer)'
  #69  
Old 10-15-2002, 09:34 PM
glee glee is offline
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The unofficial Australian version...

Once a jolly wizard camped by a dwarven mine,
Under the shade of the mountains misty,
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Down came a monster to grab at that Ring-bearer:
Up jumped Lego-las and loaded his bow with glee,
And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Up came a Numorean, carrying his broken sword;
Down came the hobbits, one, two, three:
"Where's that coat of mithril you've got underneath your shirt?
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
"Where's that coat of mithril you've got underneath your shirt?
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Up jumped the pony Bill and fled from the scene quickly;
"You'll never take me in there!" thought he;
And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Apologies to A.B. "Banjo" Paterson
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Arnold Winkelried:
'glee, I take my hat off to you.... at first I thought you were kidding with your cite but I looked it up and it was indeed accurate. (Still in awe at the magnificent answer)'
  #70  
Old 10-15-2002, 09:57 PM
rjk rjk is offline
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Perhaps a feeble effort, but here it is.



Whan that aprill with his shoures soote
Old Hobbiton hath perced to the roote,
And Frodo drinken down in swich licour
Of which vertu he passeth happy hour;
Whan Gandalphus eek with his wise voice
Inspired hath in Frodo's heart a choice,
(so priketh him nature in his corages);
To join odd folk to goon on pilgrimages,
And travel far to seken straunge strondes,
To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes;
And specially from this homely shire's ende
To Mordor, evil's keep, to wende
To cast into the fire this One great Ring
...

-- Geoffrey Chaucer, The Canterbury Ring
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Bon vivant by day, cheesemonger by night!
  #71  
Old 10-16-2002, 12:30 AM
pravnik pravnik is offline
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"Before I free myself from this abyss, Master Frodo,
Sam said when he had stood up straight,
"tell me enough I see I don't mistake;
where is the ring? And how is Sauron so placed
head downward? Tell me, too, how has the sun
in so few hours gone from night to morning?"
And he to me: "You still believe you are
north of center middle-earth, where I met the gaze
of the unblinking eye who pierces through the world.
And you were there as long as I descended;
but when I turned, that's when you passed the point
to which, from every, part, the rings weight from me is drawn."
There is a place beyond, the limit of
that sea, its farthest point from Sauron,
a place one cannot see: it is discovered
by ship-there is a sounding sea that flows
along the hollow of a rock, and the slope is easy.
So Gandalf and Frodo came upon that hidden road
to make their way back into the bright world
with no care for any rest, they sailed
Gandalf first, Frodo following-until he saw
through a round opening, some of those things
of beauty the Deathless Lands bear. It was from there
that they emerged, to see-once more-the stars.

Frodo's Inferno
  #72  
Old 10-16-2002, 01:42 AM
theMouse theMouse is offline
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So I put the thing on, and I'm (like) invisible. I'm not, as anyone around here will tell you, in the business of wearing jewelry, but damn, this little gold ring kicks more @ss than anyone should rightly possess.

--Tycho Brahe (www.penny-arcade.com)

Err... I don't know where that came from. But I *do* know where this came from:

Belrond lounged indolently back in his chair, scratching at his formal purple robe in mild irritation. "Why do I have to wear this thing, anyway?"

Arwen smirked at him. "I think it helps them to think of you as
somewhat respectable, Old Wolf. Frodo, if you don't stop playing with it, it will never leave you alone."

Frodo looked up from the glowing blue ring in his lap. "But it keeps singing to me. Why's it doing that?" Belrond and Arwen exchanged a glance. "It does that to everyone, Frodo. Now, put it back in your pouch and let's go. I'm sure the council is about to start."

As if on cue, Legolas entered, bowing deeply. "Ancient and Beloved, Lady Arwen, the kings have assembled and await thy presence." Rolling his eyes, Belrond lead them down the hallway towards the council chamber. Frodo stared at the rich tapestries and columns of pure white marble, thinking how a few months ago, he had been living in a simple hobbit-hole, and Aunt Arwen was just Aunt Arwen and not someone to be treated with respect by kings.

As they rounded a corner, Belrond was nearly floored by a dirty fist. Legolas watching in disbelief, Belrond wrestled his assailant to the ground, each of them letting out a stream of curses that curled Frodo's ears. Finally, they separated, and Belrond cursed again, muttering "What's got into that ratty excuse for a head on your shoulders, Gandalf?"

His opponent, a hairy, misshapen fellow clad in grimy grey robes, glared back. "That's for sending me to Saruman's tower on a fool's errand, Belrond. The old goat sat me on his roof for three months. I'm lucky he lost concentration and let me shift into falcon form before I started getting too hungry." With a belch, he turned his attention to Arwen. "You're getting fat, Arwen. Aragorn finally knock you up, or you just letting yourself go?"

Legolas gasped, but Arwen regarded the ugly wizard calmly. "When's the last time you took a bath, Gandalf?"

Gandalf shrugged negligently, scratching himself "I think a storm rained on me a couple years ago, while I was watching Kal Sauron's tomb."

...

-- Lord of the (Blue) Rings, by David Eddings

Okay, I lied, I don't know where that come from either. But it's clear that I'm definitely going to Hell, now.

And for those of you who claim Gandalf should have been Belgarath, well.. a pox on both your houses.

--the Mouse
  #73  
Old 10-16-2002, 02:48 AM
reprobate reprobate is offline
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A little Hawthorne, anyone?

The ring had become for him more than a quest, more than a burden. Even in its absence its presence grew, to become an emblem of the languid darkness that crept between Mordor and Shire, Hobbit and friend, unsolaced mind and weary heart. For the rest of his days, the veiled weight pulled his tired eyes abjectly down, away from the shining light of his Creator, and into the dark heart that beat within all, whether, Hobbit, Elf or man. On occasion, the faint smile of a younger self glimmered on his grim visage, as a sputtering candle casts its own shadow of light across the landscape of darkness.
  #74  
Old 10-16-2002, 03:46 AM
Hoops Hoops is offline
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OK, I'll try Piers Anthony.

--------------------------

Shelob gazed at Samwise with frank interest. Now that he could see her better, her spidery aspect was less fearsome. She was some woman!

"I'm sorry, Shelob," he said diffidently, "but I must deliver the Ring to the Crack of Doom. I cannot abate my onus."

"Because I'm a spider!" she flared. Samwise was taken aback. This was some feminine logic!

Samwise considered. Probably he should simply stick her with Sting--the sexual connotation was apt! But his conscience balked. And he was flattered; few females--human or otherwise-- would be content with a man of his height.

"I'm sorry," he said again, lamely. "I must go." He withdrew the Phial of Galadriel and displayed it to Shelob. Shrieking curses, she retreated before him, her female form tempting him still--

No! He would not be distracted. Suddenly he remembered with fresh urgency:

Frodo was alive, but taken by the enemy.

----------------------------------

Please accept my apologies for that.

Fingolfin, I hope you have an industrial strength server hosting that movie, because I bet it's gonna get slammed if word of this gets out (and I strongly suspect that some of the www.memepool.com folks peek in here every once in a while).

Nice to see so many people delurking for this thread. Welcome, y'all!
  #75  
Old 10-16-2002, 08:32 AM
Fingolfin Fingolfin is offline
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Re: The Khazad-dum Bridge Disaster

Iteki: No, sadly I did not go that. I am not sure who did, but it is fantastic!


Quote:
Originally posted by glee
Beautiful Stony Bridge of the Dwarven mines!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That two lives have been taken away
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

'Twas about seven o'clock at night,
And the Balrog it burn't with all its might,
And the fire came pouring down,
And the dark orcs seem'd to frown,
And the Demon of the fire seem'd to say-
"I'll pass across the Bridge today."

When the party left Rivendell
The Fellowship's hearts were light and they felt quite well,
But Boromir threw a terrific strop,
Which made their hearts for to stop,
And many of the Fellowship with fear did hum-
"I hope Elbereth Gilthoniel will send us safe across the Bridge of Khazad-dum."

But when the hobbits were ready to feed their tum,
The Balrog he gathered his orcish scum,
And shook the whole structure of the Bridge of Khazad-dum
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

So the Wizard mov'd slowly along the Bridge of Khazad-dum,
Until he was looking at the Balrog's bum,
Then the whole bridge gave way with a hiss,
And down went Gandalf and Fiend into the abyss!
The Fiery Fiend did loudly quip,
Because he'd gotten Gandalf with his whip,
On the last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe which could not have been worse
The alarm from mouth to mouth spread from river to firth,
And the cry rang out all o'er Middle Earth,
The Khazad-dum Bridge is blown down - O Elbereth!
And in the Fellowship from Rivendell,
Of which all the people were scared as h*ll,
Because they all heard Gandalf's yell
"Fly, you fools!" Well, none had breath to to tell
How the disaster happen'd on the last last (Third Age) day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.


by William F. McGonagall

see:
http://www.taynet.co.uk/users/mcgon/disaster.htm
glee, is that you? From the JREF Boards? The one who spanked the living daylights out of me in a BB Correspondence Chess game last week?

Testudo here, AKA Fingolfin.

I didn't know you were a Tolkien fan.
  #76  
Old 10-16-2002, 09:36 AM
Hoopy Frood Hoopy Frood is offline
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The Lord of the Rings by John Cage:























































THE RING!!!!!!!!!





































































The End.
  #77  
Old 10-16-2002, 10:14 AM
Gyrate Gyrate is online now
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What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of Halfling,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow within dark Mordor,
(Come in under the shadow of dark Mordor),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a circlet of gold.

Frisch weht der Wind
Der Shire zu.
Mein Hobbitisch Kind,
Wo weilest du?


'You gave me the Ring first a year ago;
'They called me the Ringbearer.'
--Yet when we came back, late, from Orodruin,
Your finger missing, and your strength gone, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of darkness, the silence.
Oed' und leer das Land.

Madame Galadriel, famous Elf Queen,
Had a forbidding realm, nevertheless
Is known to be the wisest woman in Middle-Earth,
With a wicked pack of cards. Here, said she,
Is your card, the drowned Wizard,
(Those are the grey robes that were his garb. Look!)
Here is Eowyn, the Lady of the Horses,
The lady of battle.
Here is the man with many colors, and here the Staff,
And here is the one-eyed Sauron, and this card,
Which is blank, is something he searches for in your pack,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Uruk-Hai. Fear death by Nazgul.
I see crowds of people, talking about a Ring.
Thank you. If you see dear Master Gamgee,
Tell him I bring the mallorn myself:
One must be so careful these days.

Lord of the Waste Land, by T.S. Eliot
__________________
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  #78  
Old 10-16-2002, 10:35 AM
Hoopy Frood Hoopy Frood is offline
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The Lord of the Rings. S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure (the Good Parts version by William Goldman):

The year that Arwen was born, the most beautiful woman in the world was a Gondor scullery maid named Annette. Annette worked in Gondor for the Steward and Stewardess (this was before the King returned), and it did not escape notice of the Steward's that someone extraordinary was polishing the mithril. This notice in turn did not escape the notice of the Stewardess either, who was not very beautiful and not very rich, but plenty smart. The Stewardess set about studying Annette and shortly found her adversary's tragic flaw.
Chocolate.

Armed now, the Stewardess set to work. Minas Tirith turned into a candy castle. Everywhere you looked, bonbons, truffles, mints. Annete never had a chance. She soon went from dainty to enormous. And the Steward never glanced her way again without sad bewilderment. (It must be mentioned that Annette seemed only cheerier through these events.) The Steward's notice soon turned to his mother-in-law. The Stewardess noticed this too, and became grumpy about the whole thing. Not surprisingly, the Stewardess's grumpiness became legendary, as Voltaire has so ably chronicled. Except this was before Voltaire.)

*Skip a bunch of beautiful people becoming ugly over the next fifteen years.*

Arwen, of course, at fifteen, knew none of the other goings on. And if she had, she would not have understood what difference it made who was the most beautiful. (Arwen at this time was barely in the top twenty, and that was out of potential only.) She hated washing her face and combing her hair and other such activities. Her favorite things to do were riding her horse and taunging the orphaned ranger boy.

Arwen named her horse "Horse." (She was never long on imagination.) It did what she told it. So did the Ranger boy. Actually, he was more of a young man now, but that didn't matter. She had always called him Ranger Boy and did so still. She'd say "Ranger Boy, fetch this. Ranger Boy, kill the necromancer. Hurry up now or I'll tell father."

"As you wish."

That was all he ever answered. "As you wish."

Now it must be mentioned that S. Morgenstern was rather long winded. So I relate this tale to you as my father told it to me with only the important parts left in. Morgenstern loved to go off about the courtly rituals of the elves, and how one was supposed to conduct oneself when dining with them. It really is only of interest to one from Middle Earth himself.....

*Cut to Aragorn fighting the orcs in Moria.*

My name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isuldur. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
__________________
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I websurfed, weak and weary, Over many a strange and spurious website of 'hot chicks galore',
While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, And my heart was filled with mourning,
mourning for my dear amour. "'Tis not possible!" I muttered, "Give me back my cheap hardcore!"
Quoth the server: "404".
  #79  
Old 10-16-2002, 01:33 PM
pravnik pravnik is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by KidCharlemagne
Someone right one in lawyerese
COMES NOW, plaintiff, Sauron, to file this original Complaint, and would show this honorable court the following:

1. Plaintiff and party of the first part, Sauron ("Sauron") is a(n) (un)natural person, and resident and domiciliary of Mordor.

2. Defendant and party of the second part, Frodo Baggins ("Frodo") is a natural person and resident of Hobbiton. Co-Defendant and party of the third part Samwise Gamgee ("Sam") is likewise same.

3. All parties being properly diverse, jurisdiction is proper pursuant to 28 M.E.C. 1332. Damages far exceed the minimum jurisdiction of the court.

4. Defendant has converted and trespassed against the chattel and personalty of the plaintiff, namely, the One Ring ("Ring") and is liable to plaintiff for same.

5. Plaintiff would further show on or about the final day of the Third Age, defendants did intentionally cause the destruction of Ring while plaintiff was engaged in defending his business from hostile takeover. In the alternative, plaintiff pleads that the actions of the defendants toward ring amount to recklessness, gross negligence, and negligence.

6. As a direct result of destruction of Ring, plaintiff has suffered actual damages in the form of irreparable harm to his business and personal reputation, as well as direct and indirect loss of income. Plaintiff has further suffered from mental anguish, humiliation, and loss of consortium.

7. Insofar as actions of defendants were intentional, plaintiff further requests punitive damages in the amount of treble his actual damages.

WHEREFORE, PLAINTIFF, SAURON, PRAYS FOR: all reasonable damages above named; FURTHER, plaintiff prays for all additional relief in law or equity deemed necessary and proper by this honorable court.

Respectfully submitted,
Mouth of Sauron
Attorney for Plaintiff
Middle Earth Bar No. 734925639
  #80  
Old 10-16-2002, 04:07 PM
Fingolfin Fingolfin is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by pravnik


COMES NOW, plaintiff, Sauron, to file this original Complaint, and would show this honorable court the following:

1. Plaintiff and party of the first part, Sauron ("Sauron") is a(n) (un)natural person, and resident and domiciliary of Mordor.

2. Defendant and party of the second part, Frodo Baggins ("Frodo") is a natural person and resident of Hobbiton. Co-Defendant and party of the third part Samwise Gamgee ("Sam") is likewise same.

3. All parties being properly diverse, jurisdiction is proper pursuant to 28 M.E.C. 1332. Damages far exceed the minimum jurisdiction of the court.

4. Defendant has converted and trespassed against the chattel and personalty of the plaintiff, namely, the One Ring ("Ring") and is liable to plaintiff for same.

5. Plaintiff would further show on or about the final day of the Third Age, defendants did intentionally cause the destruction of Ring while plaintiff was engaged in defending his business from hostile takeover. In the alternative, plaintiff pleads that the actions of the defendants toward ring amount to recklessness, gross negligence, and negligence.

6. As a direct result of destruction of Ring, plaintiff has suffered actual damages in the form of irreparable harm to his business and personal reputation, as well as direct and indirect loss of income. Plaintiff has further suffered from mental anguish, humiliation, and loss of consortium.

7. Insofar as actions of defendants were intentional, plaintiff further requests punitive damages in the amount of treble his actual damages.

WHEREFORE, PLAINTIFF, SAURON, PRAYS FOR: all reasonable damages above named; FURTHER, plaintiff prays for all additional relief in law or equity deemed necessary and proper by this honorable court.

Respectfully submitted,
Mouth of Sauron
Attorney for Plaintiff
Middle Earth Bar No. 734925639
LMAO!! LOL!!

Brilliant, just brilliant!


Ian Hunter (Writer and Performer of 'Cleveland Rocks')

One, Two, Three, Four!

Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Elrond’s Council’s sending me,
Back where the Ring was made.
Sauron’s a cruel Enemy.
It’s such a long, hard way.

All the hobbit folk living down on the Row going:
Bilbo rocks!
Gandalf rocks!
Sneakin’ Sméagol throttled little Déagol, then:

Chorus 1:
Precious rocks! (4 times)

Saruman knows but he don’t care;
He got his problems too.
Palantír and a traitor’s White Hand,
And the tribute’s due.

All the little orcs with the crimson swords go:
Orthanc rocks!
Mordor rocks!
Killin’ in sin with a great big grin they go:

Chorus 2:
Nazgûl rock! (4 times)

I’ve got some weapons from the War - Age Two.
I use ‘em just like Dúnedain do.
They hate the villains, and I do too.
Oh! Strider rocks!
Yeah! Elfstone rocks!
So grab a knife,
Find some strife,
And yell and scream for War!

Chorus 3:
Frodo rocks! (4 times)

(Repeat Chorus 3)

(Repeat Chorus 3)

Chorus ad lib:
Gandalf rocks!
Aragorn rocks!
Samwise rocks!
Bilbo rocks!
Galadriel rocks!
Elrond rocks!
Glorfindel rocks!
Pippin rocks!
Merry rocks!
Gimli rocks!
Legolas rocks!
Boromir rocks!
Faramir rocks!
Éomer rocks!
Éowyn rocks!
Arwen rocks!

Frodo rocks!
Frodo’s what it’s made of.

I said:
Frodo rocks! (4 times)

I said:
Frodo rocks! (4 times)

Frodo rocks! (4 times)

Three, four! ... (4 times)

Instrumental finale
  #81  
Old 10-16-2002, 04:37 PM
jsc1953 jsc1953 is offline
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Isildur I, Part 1

Scene: Barad-Dur

[Flourish. Enter Gil-galad, Elendil, Isildur.]

Gil-galad: Se'en years, hath we laid siege to the dark tower. And e'en yet the dark lord himself now approacheth.
Elendil: Yay, forsooth. The host of Mordor hath we lain waste, and all orcs and trolls hath their liege forsook.

[Enter Sauron]

Sauron: Of minions now have I no need. Mere elf-lords and lowly men shall quail before the wrath of the maia uncloak'ed.

[They fight. Gil-galad and Elendil die.]

Isildur: Araunt, lord of darkness. For the life of my sire, thou shalt pay dearly.

[They fight. Sauron falls]

Sauron: Unseamed am I from nave to chaps. Seek me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave fellow--fingerless, bereft of that jewel which once held all in its sway, all is lost. [dies]

Isildur: For weregild shall I claim this. It shall be an heirloom to my kingdom.

[Exeunt]
  #82  
Old 10-16-2002, 04:51 PM
jayjay jayjay is offline
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Location: Central Pennsylvania
Posts: 36,049
A meara! A meara!
My kingdom for a meara!



As a closet Eddings fan, the Belrond one had me giggling madly.

Lots of other great adaptations, as well.

How about:

Did you ever wonder just what is it with rings? You've got those nine wraithmakers, for example. You'd think the dummies would read the Steward-required warnings: "May cause gulness. Wear at your own risk." And the seven midget...er, dwarf rings. How much brainpower does it take to figure out that carrying your gold around in your underwear so it can't be stolen is kind of sick? Only the Elves managed to cop to the Dark Lord's plan...and believe me, they aren't going to let you forget it!

-A Few Ages with Andy Rooney
  #83  
Old 10-16-2002, 05:23 PM
Pupshaw Pupshaw is offline
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The Little Ring by Hans Christian Andersen

Once there was a beautiful golden ring that had been made by a terrible lord. This wicked lord wished to be the king of all the world. He made the little ring to help him gain power over the many good kings and queens who ruled in the lands about him.

The little ring was very proud that he was such a splendid ring. He knew that all who saw him wished to own him and be as powerful as the wicked lord. He saw many ride in battle to try to overthrow the wicked lord, but none ever succeeded. "I must be a wonderful thing!" thought the little ring, "I am coveted by all!"

But one day, there was an awful battle, and the ring was cut off the hand of the wicked lord! The little ring felt himself picked up by a mighty king. He was glad, for the mighty king had a great army and glorious banners. The little ring thought he would be very happy with the mighty king, and that he would live in a grand palace and be the most prized possession of the kingdom.

Alas, it was not to be, for the mighty king was killed and the ring sank to the bottom of a river. He was very sad, for it was lonely and cold there. "I wish I could see the banners of a splendid army again," he thought.

After a very long time, the ring was found by a strange little man who took him for his own. At first the ring was glad to be out of the river, but he did not like the little man, who talked to himself and had no army, nor even a house to live in. The little ring had to live in a damp old cave that smelled of fish.

Then the ring was rescued by another little man, who was much nicer than the first, but who had no palace or army, either. Finally he came into the hands of yet another little man, who brought him before a council of great lords. "At last I shall have the recognition I deserve," thought the proud little ring. "I have lived much too long in a river and a cave! That is no life for such an important ring as I!"

And so the little ring went on a rather strange and long journey, carried by the last little man. The ring understood that he was being taken back to the lands of his first master, the wicked lord, so he did not mind that there was no great army and splendid banners to accompany him. "Soon I shall enjoy life again!" the ring thought.

O, but the ring little suspected what was in store for him! He saw that he was fought over, and felt proud, but then he was falling, falling into a great fire! He heard a great clamor of armies and thought of the splendor of battle. "O, 'tis past! 'Tis over, all over! Never again," said the poor little ring.

In the spring, the earth bloomed again. All over the land, the grass grew over the battlefields where once the little ring had been so proud. However, those days were over and the ring was gone, and so every tale must end at last.
  #84  
Old 10-16-2002, 06:38 PM
jsc1953 jsc1953 is offline
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The King James Version

1 And the Five went unto Rivendell, which is called Imladris by the Elves.
2 And with Frodo were Meriadoc, and Peregrin, and Aragorn son of Arathorn, and the Gardener Whom Frodo Loved.
3 And they went unto the House of Elrond. And Elrond summoned a great council, and summoned elves from Mirkwood, which was Greenwood before the reign of Thranduil. And also men from Gondor, and from Dale, and Dwarves from Erebor unto the Lonely Mountain.
4 And Elrond spoke, saying, what shall we do with this Ring?
5 And Gandalf spoke, telling all of Gollum, and of Saruman, and the origin of the ring; and they slept. And they said, Gandalf, shut up.
6 And Gimli sayeth, shall we not leave the ring with the Elves? And Elrond grew wroth and rent his garment.
7 For Gandalf spoke, saying, verily verily I say unto you, the ring must be destroyed.
8 And Frodo at last spoke, saying, I shall take the ring, though I do not know the way. And they were glad.

-- The Gospel According to Frodo
  #85  
Old 10-16-2002, 07:49 PM
glee glee is offline
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Re: Re: The Khazad-dum Bridge Disaster

Quote:
Originally posted by Fingolfin
glee, is that you? From the JREF Boards? The one who spanked the living daylights out of me in a BB Correspondence Chess game last week?

Testudo here, AKA Fingolfin.

I didn't know you were a Tolkien fan.
What, me - the c3 Sicilian player?
The one who pressured your K-side relentlessly?
Who finally overcame your determined resistance with a double threat of fork and pin?

Dunno anything about that!

Yes, I use the same username all over the Internet (of course there may be imitators!).

I joined the UK Tolkien Society a long time ago (though my membership has lapsed).
I remember laughing out loud at a Society preview of the Bakshi cartoon film, when the Elf rides up to Frodo just before Rivendell and introduces himself as ... Legolas (though it does make cinematic sense to drop Glorfindel).
  #86  
Old 10-17-2002, 01:02 AM
GargoyleWB GargoyleWB is offline
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I can't take credit for writing this one, something I've had in my email archives, lo these many years....

G

------------------------

Lothlorien Rhapsody
Written by Freddie Mercury
(As told by Dionysus, performed by Frodo and the Sweathogs)

(Frodo)
Is this the real life?
Is this High Fantasy?
Caught in a land war.
No escaping my destiny.

(Sam)
Open your eyes, look up to the sky and see...

(Frodo)
I’m just a Hobbit, I need no sympathy.
These Rings are easy come, easy go, Little high, little low.
Anywhere these Rings go doesn’t really matter to me, to me...

(Eowyn)
Mama, just killed a wraith,
Put my sword up to his head,
Ran him through and now he’s dead.

(Gollum)
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away.

(Frodo)
Mama, oooh, Didn’t mean to make you cry,
If I’m not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on, as if these Rings don’t really matter...

(Sauron)
Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

(Bilbo)
Goodbye, ev’rybody, I’ve got to go...
Gotta leave you all behind and face the West....

(Gollum)
Mama, ooooh, [(Frodo) Anywhere the Rings go...] I don’t want to die.
I sometimes wish I’d never found this Ring at all....

(Cool guitar riff.)

(Hobbits)
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Saruman! Saruman! What will you do with Frodo?
(The Nine Wraiths)
Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very fright’ning- me!

(Merry) Gandalf-eo! (Legolas) The Grey Pilgram!
(Merry) Gandalf-eo! (Legolas) The Grey Pilgram!
(Merry and Legolas) Gandalf-eo, Mithrandir...
(Gollum) Smeagol....

(Frodo)
I’m just a Hobbit and nobody loves me.
(Fellowship)
He’s just a Baggins, from a Shire family.
Spare him his life of this Ring bear-r-ring.

(Gollum)
Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?
(Fellowship) The Stinker! (Sam) No, I will not let you go!
(The Nine) Let him go!
(Fellowship) The Stinker! (Sam) I will not let you go!
(The Nine) Let him go!
(Fellowship) The Stinker! (Sam) I will not let you go!
(Gollum) Let me go!
(Sam and Frodo) Will not let you go!
(Gollum) Let me go!
(Sam and Frodo) Will not let you go!
(Gollum) Let me goooo!...
(Fellowship) No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(Bilbo)
Mama mia, mama mia!
(Gollum)
Mama mia let me go!

(Frodo)
The Loooord of Mordor has a Ring-Wraith set aside for me...
For Me......
For MEEEEEEE!!!

(REALLY cool guitar riff.)

(Sauron)
So you think you can fool me and spit in my Eye?
(Gollum)
So you think you can use me and leave to die?
(Sauron and Gollum)
Oh, Frodo! Can’t do this to me, Frodo!

(Frodo and Sam)
Just gotta get out! Just gotta get right outta here...

(Even more cool guitar...)

(All)
Oohh Yeah! Oooh Yeah!

(Galadriel)
These Rings don’t really matter, anyone can see...
(Elrond)
These Rings don’t really matter...
(Gandalf)
These Rings don’t really matter...
(Galadriel, Elrond, Gandalf, Bilbo)
To me.....

(Frodo)
Anywhere these Rings go...
  #87  
Old 10-17-2002, 01:23 AM
Silvio Silvio is offline
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Posts: 150
Any Poppy Z. Brite fans here?

"On their last night before entering Mordor, Frodo hummed a tune he heard from a techno-goth band in Bree, and gazed at the sleeping Samwise. Sam's nose ring glistened in the moonlight and his tatoos shimmered like a woman's ass. Frodo reached down and took a drop of spit from Sam's mouth and tasted it. It was sweet, faintly tasting of pipeweed. What am I doing, he thought, tasting hobbit spit when we are about to enter Mordor. Tomorrow, they might be captured by Orcs and slowly tortured, their blood drained, their skin flayed and roasted and fed back to them. But tonight they had only each other, and Sam looked so very beautiful and perfect in the night. He crept up from the stuffed Elf head he was using as a pillow, and slowly reached his hand into Sam's breeches...
  #88  
Old 10-17-2002, 01:59 AM
Firebat023 Firebat023 is offline
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I'd love to do a Stephen King version of the end of Return of the King, but taking the potential profanity out would shorten to to about four sentences.
  #89  
Old 10-17-2002, 02:08 AM
Firebat023 Firebat023 is offline
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This story is about Middle Earth. The time was the Third Age, a different kind of age, a watershed age where one era was ending in Middle Earth and another beginning. It was the year The Shire decided to directly interviene in the epic affairs of obscure and distant Mordor. It was the year we went to war. In the broad, traditional sense, that "we" who went to was was all of us, all of Middle Earth, thogh in truth at that time the larger majority had little knowledge of, less interest in, and no great concern with what was beginning so far away.
So this story is about the smaller, more tightly focused "we" of that sentence: the first of the Fellowship, who boarded First Era-era ships, quested to that little known place, and fought the last major battle of a conflict that would not drag on.

We Were Hobbits, Once...and Short and Fat
Lt. Gen. Frodo Baggins (Ret.) and Samwise L. Gamgee
  #90  
Old 10-17-2002, 02:14 AM
Firebat023 Firebat023 is offline
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This story is about Middle Earth. The time was the Third Age, a different kind of age, a watershed age where one era was ending in Middle Earth and another beginning. It was the year The Shire decided to directly interviene in the epic affairs of obscure and distant Mordor. It was the year we went to war. In the broad, traditional sense, that "we" who went to was was all of us, all of Middle Earth, though in truth at that time the larger majority had little knowledge of, less interest in, and no great concern with what was beginning so far away.
So this story is about the smaller, more tightly focused "we" of that sentence: the first of the Fellowship, who boarded First Era-era ships, quested to that little known place, and fought the last major battle of a conflict that would not drag on.

We Were Hobbits, Once...and Short and Fat
Lt. Gen. Frodo Baggins (Ret.) and Samwise L. Gamgee
  #91  
Old 10-17-2002, 04:05 AM
Shalmanese Shalmanese is offline
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Re: The unofficial Australian version...

BWAHAHA!!!

The Hans Christian Anderson one was brilliant too, waiting for someone to do a Brothers Grimm.

My contribution:

Ringbearers still at large

Mordor (CNN) - Reports from the field have just arrived that the notorious group of ringbearers known mysteriously only as "the nine" were spotted by a band of orcs entering the terroist safe haven known as "Lothlorien" several days ago. The Mordor State Department issued an official proclamation today that the group were known to be armed and dangereous and had already caused the death of many orcs in the region as well as the notorious brutal murder of a high ranking Balrog previously resif\ding in Moria. They warn that any concerned citizens were to contact the Mordor Foriegn affairs office immediately with information as to the whereabouts of these fugitives and to not try and confront them themselves.

"We will act in our utmost to bring these terroists to justice" President Sauron declared today. "These terroists are attacking our way of life, our culture and the way we live. The world must know that the collected will of the dark lords minions will be strong and resolute."

First detected in the town of Bree in the north of middle Earth, these terroists wasted no time in coldly taking the lives of all nine Ringwraith Agents when it was discovered that they were on a plot to topple Mordor. It is believed that the group is composed of primarily hobbits backed up by support from a wide variety of races including dwaves, elves humans and a mysterious backer only known as "Mithrander".

"I must stress, Hobbits are a primarily peace loving race" President Sauron warned today after a spate of hate attacks against hobbit dwellings. "These hobbits are extremists, fundamentalists, they do not speak for hobbit kind".

Agents also believe that these terroists have strong links to the group that assasinated the Foriegn Diplomat, Smaug, earlier this age. If so, it would explain the impressive array of mythical weapons that the group has acquired.

So far, the terroist group has been utilizing safe houses in elvish country to evade capture and have slipped passed even the most stringent defences the Dark Lord has set in place. Residents are afraid for their children and people have stopped going out at night. "How am I going to let my kids go out and torture humans if I know that theres a group of orc killers roaming the countryside" a concerend mother said today".

Experts believe that, if these rogues are not brought to justice, a rash of copy cat attacks will follow and severely hurt the economy.

-- written by CNN correspondant, Saurman

Quote:
Originally posted by glee
Once a jolly wizard camped by a dwarven mine,
Under the shade of the mountains misty,
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And he sang as he watched and waited 'til his password worked,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Down came a monster to grab at that Ring-bearer:
Up jumped Lego-las and loaded his bow with glee,
And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And he sang as he fired all his arrows at that mo-onster,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Up came a Numorean, carrying his broken sword;
Down came the hobbits, one, two, three:
"Where's that coat of mithril you've got underneath your shirt?
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
"Where's that coat of mithril you've got underneath your shirt?
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Up jumped the pony Bill and fled from the scene quickly;
"You'll never take me in there!" thought he;
And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine,
"Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?
Ring-bearing Frodo, Ring-bearing Frodo,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"
And his neighs may be heard as you pass by that dwarven mine,
Who'll come Ring-bearing young Frodo with me?"

Apologies to A.B. "Banjo" Paterson
  #92  
Old 10-17-2002, 08:21 AM
Fingolfin Fingolfin is offline
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Re: Re: Re: The Khazad-dum Bridge Disaster

Quote:
Originally posted by glee


What, me - the c3 Sicilian player?
The one who pressured your K-side relentlessly?
Who finally overcame your determined resistance with a double threat of fork and pin?

Dunno anything about that!

Yes, I use the same username all over the Internet (of course there may be imitators!).

I joined the UK Tolkien Society a long time ago (though my membership has lapsed).
I remember laughing out loud at a Society preview of the Bakshi cartoon film, when the Elf rides up to Frodo just before Rivendell and introduces himself as ... Legolas (though it does make cinematic sense to drop Glorfindel).
No sorry, wrong game, wrong glee, my mistake.

Hehe, small world huh? I loved your Austrailian version! Fantastic!
  #93  
Old 10-17-2002, 09:58 AM
Gyrate Gyrate is online now
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The Lord of the Rings, by Ogden Nash

There’s the ring that comes in a Cracker Jack box, which only costs you half a dollar,
And there’s the ring you find in laundry that lingers around the collar.
There are rings that come with diamonds that are used plight one’s troth,
And there’s a ring round planet Saturn – or is it Jupiter? – or possibly both.
But whatever ring you have, there’s one type of ring that admits no tomfoolery
And that’s magic jewellery.
For as soon as you put it on, you’re sure to disappear abruptly
And whatever you were doing before, you’ll soon be doing it corruptly
And it doesn’t matter whether you’re a dwarf or a human king,
Sooner or later, you succumb to the ring.
As it happens, a particularly nasty specimen of finger jewellery fell into the possession of a plucky young hobbit named Frodo,
And before long he was being chased across the countryside by Nazgul, who were trying to kill him dead as a dodo
For which the only cure was to fling the cursed thing into the lava pits of Orodruin
But that wasn’t the only trouble bruin
Because Saruman and Sauron were waging a war with goblins and Uruk-Hai and orcs
Against which the hobbits didn’t have much chance, being less familiar with swords than they were with spoons and forks.
So Frodo and his companion Sam
Left the rest of their Fellowship and went on the lam
Encountering along the way a creature known as Gollum
Who pretended to help them on their way while actually trying to stallum.
On and on they went, fighting orcs and spiders and fatigue
While the forces of evil busied themselves with mayhem and intrigue.
At the end, Frodo decided not to destroy the ring, but as he lingered
He suddenly found himself nine-fingered
While Gollum fell into the magma with a final ‘poof’
Proving that even the best magic rings won’t make you lava-proof.
Frodo and Sam, having thus disposed of both the ring and Smeagol
Decided that they deserved a nice vacation, and flew off to the Bahamas by eagol.
And Aragorn and Arwen got married and ruled as King and Queen
And Gandalf and the elves sailed into the West and were nevermore seen,
Which, considering the rather bleak way this tale’s been wending,
Is about as much as one could ask from a happy ending.
That being said, it seems to me that to accept a ring from the likes of Sauron
You’d have to be a mauron.
  #94  
Old 10-17-2002, 10:17 AM
gex gex gex gex is offline
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Can someone do a Jack Chick version? I wouldn't do it justice, I'm afraid.
  #95  
Old 10-20-2002, 03:40 AM
partly_warmer partly_warmer is offline
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At the Sign of the Prancing Sheep

“Draw me a nazgul.”
“What?”
“Draw me a nazgul.”
I jumped on my feet as though I’d been slapped by an invisible Baggins, and rubbed my eyes. The most extraordinary hobbit watched me gravely. I’ve drawn a picture of him, but it isn’t anywhere near as charming as the original. It isn’t my fault. I was discouraged from my career as an artist at age six by the big Numeoreans. I’ve never been able to draw anything except cross sections of orcs. And for that, I’ve used swords. “What are you standing there for?”
He watched me gravely, and said, as if it were a matter of great concern, “If you please, draw me a nazgul.”
I said I was a ranger who studied geography, and history, and rings, but that I didn’t know how to draw. He answered, “I must know. Draw me a nazgul.”
I drew as best I knew how, producing something like an orc that had swallowed a dwarf.
“No! No!” he said. “Not a vivisected orc! I need to know what a nazgul looks like!”
I drew a picture of a horse.
“What kind of nazgul is that?”
“It’s riding its horse. It’s been decowled.”
He tilted his head, and toyed with a golden ring. “Oh, yes! I think I see!”
That’s how I made the acquaintance of the prince of hobbits.

J.R.R. de Saint Exupery
  #96  
Old 10-20-2002, 06:36 AM
Weird_AL_Einstein Weird_AL_Einstein is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Knowed Out
I took the cart to the Shire, where the inhabitants average about 3 feet in height, which is about the same distance a Democrat's hand is from the ground as he's about to filch your wallet.
(snip)
P. J. O'Rourke, Lord of the Futon
What, no detailed descriptions of Hobbit architecture?
  #97  
Old 10-21-2002, 07:56 AM
Laughing Lagomorph Laughing Lagomorph is offline
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Field Guide to the Large Winged Creatures of Middle Earth by Roger Tory Peterson:

Eagle
Thoron Wingspread up to 180 ft.
Largest bird in Middle Earth. Sometimes known to carry Wizards, dwarfs and Hobbits, either in talons or on back.
Voice Speak Westron, Quenya.
Range Mountainous areas of Middle Earth, esp. Misty Mountains, Vale of Anduin, Wilderland. Sometimes hunts far from mountains.
Similar Species Only flying creature of similar size is Winged Nazgul (see).

Winged Nazgul
Ulari Hideous flying cretures. Can be told from Eagle at a distance by longer neck (suitable for hacking off head), lack of feathers. Closer up, foul odor and prescence of undead Ringwraith on back is diagnostic.
Voice A harsh croak
Range Mordor and surrounding mountains and areas, to Field of Pelennor (1 report). Very rare, if indeed it still exists.
  #98  
Old 10-21-2002, 08:01 AM
Laughing Lagomorph Laughing Lagomorph is offline
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A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering Middle Earth on the Eastward Trail (by Bill Bryson):

I waited for Sam for three-quaters of an hour, then went looking for him. Finally, I rounded a bend and there he was stumbling toward me, wild haired and nearer hysteria than I have ever seen a grown hobbitt.
It was hard to get the full story out of him in a coherent flow, but I gathered he had thrown many items from his pack over a cliff in a temper.
"What did you get rid of?" I asked, trying not to betray too much alarm.
  #99  
Old 10-21-2002, 08:05 AM
Laughing Lagomorph Laughing Lagomorph is offline
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A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering Middle Earth on the Eastward Trail (by Bill Bryson):

I waited for Sam for three-quaters of an hour, then went looking for him. Finally, I rounded a bend and there he was stumbling toward me, wild haired and nearer hysteria than I have ever seen a grown hobbitt.
It was hard to get the full story out of him in a coherent flow, but I gathered he had thrown many items from his pack over a cliff in a temper.
"What did you get rid of?" I asked, trying not to betray too much alarm.
"Heavy f*cking sh*t, that's what! The rope, the pots and pans, the little box from Galadriel, I don't know what all. F*ck!"

"The food from Farmir?"
"Flung"
"The water bottle?"
"Flung"
"The lembas?"
"Flung far!"

This was begining to sound a trifle grave...
  #100  
Old 10-21-2002, 11:10 AM
astorian astorian is online now
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LOTR by Dave Barry:

"Once upon a time, there was a hobbit named (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!) Frodo Baggins. He lived in Middle-Earth, where people spent a lot of time drinking ale and smoking some kind of strange weed in a pipe, which is undoubtedly why his parents gave him a name like "Frodo." ("Hey, babe, pass the bong, and turn up the Iron Butterfly... oh, and let's name the kid Frodo." "PFFFFFFFFT! Sure, sweetie... and do we have any more Doritos?").

Now, life got complicated for Frodo because of his uncle Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo. Sorry, I just like saying "Bilbo." Bilbo. Anyway, be that as it may, Bilbo.

Sorry, that won't happen again. Anyway, years before, Bilbo had traded his cow for a bunch of magic beans, climbed up a beanstalk, killed a giant, and stolen his magic ring. Ha ha! No, I'm just kidding of course- that was Rapunzel. But Bilbo got a magic ring from this guy named Gollum. Gollum was slimy, foul-smelling and lived in a cave. He was sort of like Newt Gingrich, only a little more charming. Gollum ate nothing but raw fish... which reminds me of a letter I got from Mrs. Elsie Hammerdingle of Grand Rapids, Michigan, who sent me this clip from the Daily Bugle. It says that hundreds of people in Maryland have snakehead fish coming up their toilets and biting them on the buns.

Now, clearly, this is a job for the Pentagon. As long as they're spending $5 trillion per toilet seat, they could at least invent one with heat sensors and laser guided snakehead fish killers. That way, if Gollum tried to swim up Frodo's toilet and bite his furry tushie, he'd be toast.

Bilbo. (Sorry, I couldn't help it!)
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