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  #51  
Old 04-16-2013, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by kopek View Post
I was more Allen At Large <sic?> but -------
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BeS1mjJj9E

I love the comment he made not long before he passed away: "I still think of myself the way I was when I was 45. Then I look in the mirror and realize that old bastard is me!"

Classic!
  #52  
Old 04-16-2013, 03:50 PM
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"A woman like that could ruin a man.......if he was lucky."
  #53  
Old 04-16-2013, 03:58 PM
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One of my favorite sight gags was a medieval bank robbery. The thieves run out of the bank, jump into a sedan chair (one of those enclosed chairs carried by a couple of lackys), and rush off. The police run out of the bank, and jump into another sedan chair. As they are rushing off, an arm reaches out of the window, and sticks a red lantern on the top of the chair.

Very funny to anyone watching a cop show in the '70s...
  #54  
Old 04-16-2013, 04:01 PM
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"Nothing shall ever succeed like a bird with no teeth."
  #55  
Old 04-16-2013, 04:08 PM
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Her parents kept her under the bed. They thought she was a little potty.
  #56  
Old 04-16-2013, 05:47 PM
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I like his Dylan parody
  #57  
Old 04-17-2013, 06:41 AM
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Benny Hill... I used to watch his shows when I was a kid in the mid-80's. Somehow, I think that they were in part responsible for my love of England along with other, perhaps more respectable things.

Anyway, the joke that I remember is one that I saw much later, when I was around 20. By that time, I didn't care much for his shows anymore. I was distractedly watching a sketch on a lazy Sunday. It was set in the Old West and he played the role of a heroic cowboy. At one point, he attempts to jump on his horse, misses and lands, private parts first, on a fence.

That's not what made me laugh.

Right before he lands, we see him jumping in slow motion. He turns his head very slowly towards us and gives us his big, silly smile. That stupid look on his face still cracks me up.
  #58  
Old 04-17-2013, 08:03 AM
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It's most of his songs that I like. (But has anyone noticed how he re-uses entire verses when it comes to his songs and poems? That "put out your puddings" line in the Dylan parody was part of a poem he did as well.)

I think my other favorite was an extended sketch on the opera Carmen. (There was a shorter one, with the cast singing the original French lyrics but given crazy subtitles, but it wasn't as funny. This one was at least ten minutes, had the cast singing in English, and had the Hill's Angels doing a well-choreographed dance at one point.)
  #59  
Old 04-17-2013, 09:22 AM
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I watched Benny Hill, Dave Allen at Large and Monty Python when I was 12. My dad's then-girlfriend apparently was appalled that he let me watch Benny Hill because she figured Benny Hill was a "dirty old man."

My favourite Benny Hill sound was when he was playing a conductor for a band in an outdoor gazebo - I forget what happened, just that he shook his conductor stick and went "Ay! Ay! Ee! Ee!" That sound still cracks me up to this day.
  #60  
Old 04-17-2013, 09:40 AM
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The prince has run off to avoid an arranged marriage to the princess of a nearby country. If the marriage doesn't happen it will ruin years of tricky negotiation and diplomacy between the two countries. A peasant is found who is the splitting image of the prince and hastily trained to act like a prince. At the fateful first meeting the princess turns out to be a real babe.

Benny Hill (as imposter prince) : Pleased to meecher, lady.

Aide whispers in his ear: "Your Grace"

Benny (whisper): What?

Aide (whisper): Say "Your Grace"

Benny (Big grin): Bless us, oh Lord, and these Thy gifts which we are about to receive!
  #61  
Old 04-17-2013, 10:25 AM
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A related item I always got a kick out of...

I think it was on the standup show "London Underground" that they used to run on Comedy Central. A middle-aged comedienne started off her routine with, "Well, I'm glad Benny Hill is dead."

The audience wasn't too pleased with that--there were a few boos. She answered, "Well, I'm sorry...I just don't see anything funny about a 70-year-old perv running around after women with really, really big...career problems!"

She may have had a point, but I always liked his stuff...even as a kid when half of it went over my head.
  #62  
Old 04-17-2013, 12:20 PM
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A musical number, titled "The Streaker's Ball"

Benny:"Susan came along, she's a lovely bit of stuff"
Background Singers:"at the Streaker's Ball!"
Benny:"Johnny had a stroke, and so did Mister Duff"
Background Singers:"at the Streaker's Ball!"
Benny:"I wanted one as well, but I wasn't quick enough!"
Background Singers:"at the Streaker's Ball!"
They had a streaker's wedding, at least that's what I'm told
At the Streaker's Ball,
And the bridegroom couldn't find a place to put his button hole
At the Streaker's Ball
A bridesmaid was heard to mutter, "Oh, what utter bliss,
A slap-up streaker's wedding is a thing I'd never miss.
And you can always tell who the best man is,"
At the Streaker's Ball...

a whakka wakka wakka, whakka wkakka wakkka, whakka whakka whkka TOOT

That bit was always funny. And not just because the french horn blew up the girl's skirt. The way Benny enunciates the last line in each paragraph, extra intense, because this is the dirty bit folks. Cracks me up.
  #63  
Old 04-17-2013, 01:58 PM
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One of his most risque that I can remember was a song in which a man says of his wife (while seeming to talk of food) "I loved eating olives, and you ate herbs I know, I stopped eating olives but Herb refused to go!"
  #64  
Old 04-17-2013, 04:07 PM
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A man (Benny) walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with three other men in various stages of undress in the room.

Benny: Allo Allo Allo!!!!

Wife: Ain't ya gonna speak to me?

Last edited by Sampiro; 04-17-2013 at 04:08 PM.
  #65  
Old 04-17-2013, 04:32 PM
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He was playing a news reader, and said, "Britain will switch to driving on the right side of the road, as is done on the Continent. Officials say the change will be made gradually."
  #66  
Old 04-17-2013, 04:50 PM
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I remember seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark opening weekend. Afterwards my friends and I laughed about how they "used a Benny Hill joke". Yep, the famous "swordsman does an elaborate intimidating show of skill only to be shot once by the hero" had been used in one of Benny's extended skits. The Benny Hill one was a ninja or other martial artist attacking a cop or spy (Hill), who quietly pulls out a pistol and shoots the ninja.
  #67  
Old 04-17-2013, 05:01 PM
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"I'd rather 'av' the pudding!"


In context, amusing.
  #68  
Old 04-18-2013, 03:20 AM
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A sketch about Benny being kidnapped by a MILF (long before the term was ever coined). He picks up the phone and dials Scotland Yard....

"Scotland Yard...'ello, Burt...Look, there's a strange woman 'ere and she'd 'olding me 'ostage.... No. Holding. ME. Hostage." You have to sound it out to get the gag, but it's hysterical.

I loved his Fred Scuttle character.. My favorite sketch of his was his moon-rocket.

"Indestructible The Second"

Interviewer: "What happened to Indestructible The First?"

"It fell apart, sir."

  #69  
Old 04-18-2013, 03:13 PM
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My favorite one was a no-talking, music only skit he did.
Benny is playing a homeless guy sleeping in a park and the girl in a billboard comes to life and dances with him. It is not laugh out loud funny but kind of touching and a very well done bit.
  #70  
Old 04-19-2013, 10:21 AM
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Vague memories so no quotes (and can't find Youtube links).

Didn't he have a running/returning bit with a man telling a story about his wife--the story punctuated with "not a lot of people know that" or something?

And was he the 'kid' that was interviewed about his day in the park? Jokes were something like "oh yes, everyone there had big 'appy tits." After confusion he was supposed to be saying "appetites." Very Peter Sellers-like.
  #71  
Old 04-19-2013, 11:10 AM
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I remember one sketch where he was the host of a Name-That-Tune-like game show, and the contestants were the old man (Jackie?) and one of the Angels, and Hill was desperately trying to help the pretty lady win. Well, the song was Londonderry Air, and I can remember when the Angel's turn came, Hill turning his back to the contestants and pointing at his behind. (London derriere...)
  #72  
Old 04-19-2013, 11:21 AM
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I remember one sketch where he was the host of a Name-That-Tune-like game show, and the contestants were the old man (Jackie?) and one of the Angels, and Hill was desperately trying to help the pretty lady win. Well, the song was Londonderry Air, and I can remember when the Angel's turn came, Hill turning his back to the contestants and pointing at his behind. (London derriere...)
I'm guessing you were 12 years old at the time, right?
  #73  
Old 04-19-2013, 11:31 AM
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I'm guessing you were 12 years old at the time, right?
The hazards of a zombie thread...not remembering that you're one of the zombies!
  #74  
Old 04-19-2013, 12:05 PM
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I loved his Fred Scuttle character.. My favorite sketch of his was his moon-rocket.

"Indestructible The Second"

Interviewer: "What happened to Indestructible The First?"

"It fell apart, sir."

Fred Scuttle's response to a statement about five hundred topless women: "That'd be a thousand pities, sir."

Followed by, "Think about it! ... No, wait, DON'T think about it!"
  #75  
Old 04-22-2013, 07:16 PM
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Another 'I can't stand Benny Hill, but I loved this bit' post.

They Thought It Couldn't Be Done

[Just Benny at a podium reciting a long glurgy inspirational poem ending with...]

They thought that it could not be done,
Some even said they knew it,
But he faced up to what could not be done...

SPOILER:
And he couldn't bloody do it!
In a similar situation, a drunk Bobb Todd recited:

It's drink that makes you angry
It's drink that makes you sore
It's drink that makes you buy a gun
to kill your mother-in-law
It's drink that makes you load it
and what's more I'll tell you this
It's drink that make you fire it -urp-
And it's drink that makes you miss.
  #76  
Old 04-22-2013, 07:46 PM
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Ah, Jane Leeves. Nice girl, no chest atall atall...

Three Benny skits stick in my mind. One is the little guy parking a bicycle by wedging the front wheel into the buttcrack of a statue, with copious squeaky-fart noises.

The other is a recitation about two guys in a bar and one proving his eyesight is perfect by saying he can see the cat coming in, and what's more, the cat has only one eye, and at that, it has a sty in his eye. Punchline "...that cat is going OUT!" (Link to the whole thing, someone?)

My favorite is a very gentle wordless sketch. Benny robs a bank and runs to an open field. With his back to a big tree, he carefully counts off ten steps, digs a hole, and buries the loot. He is then arrested and we see him in prison, smiling as he thinks of the money. He gets out, he goes to the tree, he counts off steps... one, two, three, four, five, six and WHAM into the side of an enormous brick building. Cue tears.
  #77  
Old 04-16-2019, 05:33 AM
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I know it's a damn old thread but i need your help, guys
In 90s, Benny's show was on Russian tv and my favorite episode was about his character who bought a cheap flight ticket and was treated badly during the flight (water instead of alcohol, no food, even no rag on a plane floor nearby) but kept his mood high saying something like "but it was (20 or something) pounds cheaper!"
If someone recognizes the episode, please, i'll be glad of any clue. Just want to know the exact phrase (how cheaper was THAT damn ticket!)
best,
  #78  
Old 04-16-2019, 06:29 AM
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I know it's a damn old thread but i need your help, guys
In 90s, Benny's show was on Russian tv and my favorite episode was about his character who bought a cheap flight ticket and was treated badly during the flight (water instead of alcohol, no food, even no rag on a plane floor nearby) but kept his mood high saying something like "but it was (20 or something) pounds cheaper!"
If someone recognizes the episode, please, i'll be glad of any clue. Just want to know the exact phrase (how cheaper was THAT damn ticket!)
best,
This might be what you're looking for.
  #79  
Old 04-16-2019, 08:14 AM
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This might be what you're looking for.
this is a nice episode, Robot, but not the one i was looking for Anyway thanks, mate
  #80  
Old 04-16-2019, 08:22 AM
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I remember one sketch where he was the host of a Name-That-Tune-like game show, and the contestants were the old man (Jackie?) and one of the Angels, and Hill was desperately trying to help the pretty lady win. Well, the song was Londonderry Air, and I can remember when the Angel's turn came, Hill turning his back to the contestants and pointing at his behind. (London derriere...)
This seems like the kind of thing I would have corrected the first time, but it looks like not.

The pretty girl was French, and as the musical clue was starting, Benny said, I’d like to compliment you on your fine Paris derrière. The girl is flattered and compliments him in return for his London derrière.
  #81  
Old 04-16-2019, 09:02 AM
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Benny is playing a young man () of indeterminate age going into a pub, singing Twenty-one today, twenty-one today and patting his hands together. He takes a seat and the waitress brings him a pint. Still singing 21 today, he starts patting his pockets, looking for money, getting agitated. The middle-aged lady at the next table pays for his drink, assuming it's his first, as he's just reached drinking age. He thanks her, raises his mug to his lips and, looking into the camera (natch), starts singing 22 today, 22 today.

Robot Chicken did a priceless bit on Benny Hill's funeral.
  #82  
Old 04-16-2019, 09:07 AM
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I loved the interview show were everything went wrong. A guest kept giving one word answers, another guest died, Benny accidentally threw his interview notes across the stage. At the end he went,

"I could just keep on going, but the old clock on the wall says we have...

42 minutes to go..."
  #83  
Old 04-16-2019, 09:58 AM
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I remember a sketch which had a bunch of women flocking into a building which had a banner reading "HOMES TO LET." Seconds later, they all run out, pursued by Benny and some other guys as the banner unfurls to reveal that it actually says, "HOMMES TOILET." ("Men's toilet" in French.)
  #84  
Old 04-16-2019, 02:14 PM
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Another Fred Scuttle interview bit that makes me laugh every time (and anytime they reuse the theme it still works), paraphrased:

Fred Scuttle: "Yes, then we encountered a military ship - you know, one that's like a battleship or cruiser but smaller."

Interviewer: Frigate.

Fred Scuttle: It's the truth, sir!
  #85  
Old 04-16-2019, 02:54 PM
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Benny and the little old guy are rustics getting off the bus for their first holiday in London. They’re both wearing outrageously obvious wigs.

A news reporter comes to interview them and asks,

“What’s the first thing that you plan to do in London?”

Benny (with an exaggerated Scottish accent): “We’re going to get toupees.”

Reporter, puzzled, looking at their existing wigs: “Toupees?”

Benny: “Yes, a pay for him and a pay for me.”

(He means pies. It loses something in the explanation.)
  #86  
Old 04-16-2019, 03:00 PM
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Apparently Jane Leeves was a Benny Hill girl long before she hit the big time in Frasier.

I only learned this quite recently.

Last edited by Dahu; 04-16-2019 at 03:00 PM.
  #87  
Old 04-16-2019, 03:14 PM
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Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

It grows quite well because I have a brand new hoe.
We put manure on our rhubarb,
We put manure on our flowers.

You put manure on your rhubarb?
We put cream on ours.

Can't believe I still remember that.
  #88  
Old 04-16-2019, 03:27 PM
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Apparently Jane Leeves was a Benny Hill girl long before she hit the big time in Frasier.

I only learned this quite recently.
You didn't read post #2, did you?
  #89  
Old 04-16-2019, 03:34 PM
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Robot Chicken did a priceless bit on Benny Hill's funeral.
Clever, but they couldn't afford the right's fee for Yakkety Sax?
  #90  
Old 04-16-2019, 03:49 PM
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From the commercials gone wrong segment he'd regularly do:

"We took these two identical food and oil stained dress shirts and washed them separately, one in the leading laundry detergent and the other in new Fair Deal Ben."

"And the results?" [shows two pressed and folded shirts laying side-by-side, each still stained]

"Not a hape of the difference." [box of Fair Deal Ben thrown down on them]
  #91  
Old 04-16-2019, 08:25 PM
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While we're doing this thread again, let me explain why this is my favorite sketch:

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4bg4m

I gave the URL in post #44, but I didn't say anything about it. I like it because it's Benny Hill showing why his usual jokes are so insultingly stupid. His sketches have him trying to get somewhere with a pretty girl twenty years younger than him, despite his being not particularly good-looking, so that he wouldn't have any chance with her even if he was her age. This sketch shows what utter jerks the guys are who insist that they deserve a beautiful woman regardless of what they look like.
  #92  
Old 04-17-2019, 07:53 AM
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You didn't read post #2, did you?
I did read post #45 though.
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Old 04-17-2019, 02:42 PM
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Down memory lane...

The scene is somewhere out in the Wild West. One of the Benny girls is tied to a post. Sheriff Benny enters the scene, and the girl says "Oh, sheriff, I'm so glad you're here! Black Bart and his gang of ruffians kidnapped me and tied me to this post and then they had their way with me!" Benny starts taking off his belt and replies "This just ain't yore day, is it?"

Benny is a guest on a talk show, playing an Asian martial artist. The host introduces him, and Benny says in a mock Asian accent "Good heaving heavy body!" The host remarks something like "Oh, are you saying your martial arts skills are effective at throwing people around?" Benny replies "No! I say herro to the people! Good heaving heavy body!"

The little old man is playing a game show participant, and Benny's playing a stern authoritarian host. He asks the little old man questions that have joke answers. One is "Name the activity a man does standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does with one leg in the air." The lom replies "Pass." Benny angrily replies "Pass what?" The lom says "I don't know the answer." Benny then says "Shake hands."

Another bit with the lom, with Benny playing the straight man. I don't quite remember the dialogue, but the lom said something grammatically incorrect, and Benny shouts "Don't you know the Queen's English?" The lom replies "Of course she is."

There's one more bit where they parody Ironside, the TV show where Raymond Burr plays a detective in a wheelchair. Benny's playing Ironside, and the sketch is mainly him mumbling while his cohorts ignore him. The catch on his wheelchair comes loose, and he starts rolling away, still mumbling. Benny rolls down the alleyway, crashing through fruitstands, still mumbling. He rolls through heavy traffic and keeps rolling through more dangerous situations, still mumbling obliviously. I've searched for the video and can't find it. It haunts me after all these years, because I keep thinking I missed something, or it's just another absurd bit Hill and Monty Python would occasionally throw in.
  #94  
Old 04-17-2019, 03:13 PM
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There's one more bit where they parody Ironside, the TV show where Raymond Burr plays a detective in a wheelchair. Benny's playing Ironside, and the sketch is mainly him mumbling while his cohorts ignore him. The catch on his wheelchair comes loose, and he starts rolling away, still mumbling. Benny rolls down the alleyway, crashing through fruitstands, still mumbling. He rolls through heavy traffic and keeps rolling through more dangerous situations, still mumbling obliviously. I've searched for the video and can't find it. It haunts me after all these years, because I keep thinking I missed something, or it's just another absurd bit Hill and Monty Python would occasionally throw in.
This episode list says Benny played Ironside twice. Neither segment features the bit you mention so I don't know what you saw unless it was part of the Grand Wheelchair Rally.

Last edited by Skywatcher; 04-17-2019 at 03:15 PM.
  #95  
Old 04-17-2019, 05:57 PM
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I just watched that segment. Not in there, either.
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:52 PM
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To answer the OP, Benny... in a monologue or stand up bit or something (I was 12 when I heard this line) said

"Bob Newhart is a classy man, a very classy man. He's so classy he gets out of the shower to take a leak!"

Which cracked me up like few jokes before.
  #97  
Old 04-17-2019, 08:30 PM
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On Youtube is the classic "Murder on the Oregon Express" where Benny plays Ironside, McCloud, Hercule Poirot, Cannon and Kojack, all briliantly.

My fave line in that sketch is from the little old man, Jackie Wright, playing Columbo:

[To an attractive female suspect]: "I'm gonna haveta hold you!"

"For questioning?"

"Not necessarily."

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  #98  
Old 04-17-2019, 09:02 PM
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One I remember, at the height of Benny's popularity, which wasn't actually a Benny Hill sketch, but an SCTV sketch, was "Benny Hill Street Blues" in which the SCTV'ers re-imagined Hill Street Blues as a Benny Hill parody.
There's also this from Paul Hogan.
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Old 04-17-2019, 09:35 PM
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“When I was a kid we had two beds that were kind of stacked on top of each other—“

“Bunk.”

“No, it’s true!”
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  #100  
Old 04-18-2019, 09:46 AM
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"It was one of them Satanic rituals, wannit? They had men witches there! Men witches..."

"Warlocks."

"It's true, I tell ya!"
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Coin-operated self-destruct...not one of my better ideas.
-- Planckton (Spongebob Squarepants)
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