The GOP's worst nightmare: Democratic platform spoof

[Knorf]

From this thread, where people were responding to the GOP platform from Iowa which is so ludicrous on numerous points it was hard to tell whether it was a spoof or not. See the previous page in the linked thread for some particularly hilarious examples.

Gangster Octopus then proposed creating a spoof Democratic platform, "as if [it] were the Liberal Obamanauts of the Conservatives' nightmares..."

Here's what Dopers came up with thus far. Let's add to the list!

1) Kenya shall be made the 51st State of the Union.
2) Everybody must attend at least one gay marriage per year. Everyone must kiss at least one person of the same sex on the lips. Children must be taught safe gay sex.
3) The Catholic Church must perform abortion services and have extended hours on Sunday.
4) Anybody who is a male Caucasian must file a notarized apology to African-Americans, Muslims, and women with the local county clerk. Such apologies must full of contrition and remorse.
5) Everything must be printed in Spanish and English. EVERYTHING!
Todo se debe imprimir en español e inglés. ¡TODO!
6) Every sentence must have the word "Fuck!" in it.
7) All religious holidays must be observed on the evening of the fifth Wednesday of the month.
8) Creationists are taxed at 90%.
9) Heterosexual marriage shall be banned by constitutional amendment. Marriage shall be defined as between 'one man and one other man, one woman and one other woman, or one man and one non-human animal, or 7 sheep.'
10) Evolution must be taught in church.
11) Gun ownership or possession is now completely illegal.
12) Immigrants must be given food and shelter at any residence they deem fit.
13) Mandatory sex-ed for k-12. Abstinence cannot be said by a teacher.
14) Any UN law supersedes the law of the US.
15) Apologies will be issued to any country wronged by the U.S. in the course of it's history.
16) An immediate tax increase of 10% on all citizens, and the money will be used for immunizations, birth control, voter access, and people to audit and fine big businesses that break the law.
17) All corn subsidies shall be turned into hemp subsidies.

Have fun!

[Sinaptics]

18) December will now be known as Gay History Month.
19) It will be illegal to publicly display the insensitive phrase, "Merry Christmas."

[Rhythmdvl]

Originally Posted by Knorf

From this thread, where people were responding to the GOP platform from Iowa which is so ludicrous on numerous points it was hard to tell whether it was a spoof or not.

Did you follow your link? On my computer, at least, the Scribd page returns gibberish. You get an English version here, though as noted in the Pit thread, it's mostly gibberish too.

[Knorf]

Originally Posted by Rhythmdvl

Did you follow your link? On my computer, at least, the Scribd page returns gibberish. You get an English version here, though as noted in the Pit thread, it's mostly gibberish too.

Huh, yeah it works for me! But yes, it is gibberish.

20) All proceeds from the production of animal by-products shall be taxed at a Federal rate of 65%.

[BrainGlutton]

21) Incest and cocaine shall be decriminalized, but only when indulged in simultaneously and in public.

[Happy Lendervedder]

22) We support the passage of a law making it federally mandated for all Americans to hate America.

[gamerunknown]

24) Only people are people
23) Campaign contributions are capped at $1 a person, or the equivalent in chicken
24) Proportional representation
25) Federal referenda
26) Demographic matching through population sampling in the upper house to account for systemic bias

Dammit, I tried so hard to be satirical, but it wouldn't put enough fear into their hearts.

Here's my second attempt.

23) We pledge allegiance to the fags of the Unionised States of America and to the Relativism for which we vacillate over, one disparate multicultural group with equally valid lifestyle choices that don't need no deity, invisible or not, with liberalism and handouts for all.
24) Whereas the Protocols of the Elders of Zion are correct, we hereby declare that being a filthy Zionist is now a crime of malum in se. Let the record reflect as such.
25) No "just asking questions".
26) Sometimes the legality of an action is irrelevant to its morality.
27) There are still some employed white men. We need more reverse racism.
28) We need to increase surveillance on Michael Branagh from Bartow County in Georgia. The agents in the hedges have been especially good at detecting when he's thinking sexual thoughts. That pervert.
29) All hail Obama.
31) In order to more effectively create checks and balances, we will separate the historically intertwined roles of Head of State, Head of Government and Commander in Chief. Noam Chomsky will be Head of State for life, our Head of Government will be won in a Ro Sham Bo match between a Clinton and Obama for posterity and Smokey the Bear will be our Commander in Chief.
32) The Constitution is outdated. We will start a committee to find suitable replacements headed by the Fiqh Council of North America.
33) Our country needs to return to Christian values. We'll start by dismantling the department of defence based on the precedent set by Matthew 5:39 and outlaw praying in public based on Matthew 6:5.
34) Our debt has reached astronomical levels. We pledge to solve this by printing more money.
35) Foreign competition is really difficult to deal with. We'll just impose a tariff on everything entering the country.
36) Senators will be derived not from each State, but from each Union in the country, in order to provide a more effective check on the lower house.

[gamerunknown]

33*) Our country needs to return to Christian values. We'll start by dismantling the department of defence based on the precedent set by Matthew 5:39 and outlaw praying in public based on Matthew 6:5. Then we'll outlaw divorce except in cases of adultery due to Matthew 5:32.

37) Was the Soviet Union really that bad? (Note, this does not overrule 25)
38) A blessing must be given before school to each deity in the canon pantheons. If this does not please them, a ritual sacrifice of a job creator is mandatory.
39) Basically, the plan is to surreptitiously introduce the germs of ideas through Hollywood and Cable Television. The population inevitably progress through the barely noticeable stages from Liberalism to Socialism to Communism and only a few particularly observant patriots will be left remaining.
40) Contraception with every surgical procedure. We hate God and want everyone to go to hell.
41) The edit window will be reduced to three seconds. Your own damn fault for not previewing the post.
42) Gangs are now a protected class. No gang member is to be subjected to trial unless each member of the jury is reppin' their colours and has at least three tattoos.

[rockle]

43) Anyone still displaying a "McCain/Palin 2008" bumper sticker shall be shot without trial.

[Jack Batty]

44) "In God We Trust" on the coinage will be replaced with, "While We Recognize That A Great Majority Of The Residents Of Our Country Are Christians, It States Explicitly In The First Amendment That The Government Will Establish No Religion, And We Reject The Theory Of Ceremonial Deism, So Trust Yourself"

45) All coins will be much bigger.

[Gangster Octopus]

46) Ronald Reagan airport in Washington D.C. will be renamed Saul Alinsky Airport

47) Current Passports will be changed to reflect Citizen of the World as opposed to Citizen of the United States

48) FOX News channel must run continuous reruns of The Colbert Report and The Daily Show

[Little Nemo]

49) Alec Baldwin will be allowed to play "Words With Friends" anywhere he damn well likes.

[Knorf]

50) The name of the country shall be changed to USSA -- United Socialist States of America.

51) The minimum wage will be raise to $20/hr.

52) Universal health care will be established, but it will be paid for exclusively by a 35% tax on individuals with an adjusted gross income over $100,000/year.

[Little Nemo]

57) The number formally designated as "50" will now be changed to "57".

[Smapti]

53) The Ground Zero Victory Mosque is hereby declared a national landmark.

54) The Alamo is hereby condemned, to be replaced with the Margaret Sanger Memorial Institute for Eugenics.

55) All employers are to give hiring preference to illegal immigrants over United States citizens, regardless of experience, skill, or qualifications.

56) Mt. Rushmore is to be resculpted to feature the visages of Barack Obama, Ted Kennedy, Mao Tse-Tung, and Judas Iscariot.

58) The death penalty shall be imposed on any persons using politically incorrect language, including but not limited to use of gender-specific pronouns, non-hyphenated descriptions of nationality, criticizing Barack Obama (Praise Be Unto Him), questioning the truthiness of the Islamic faith, or any other statement that at any time hurts anyone's feelings.

59) Christians, whites, and males are exempted from protection under the terms of the above clause.

60) We support the establishment of a "Mandatory homo-orgy night" on Wednesdays. Failure to participate shall be punishable by death.

[gamerunknown]

61) As the pro-choice party, we will give sexagenarians the choice between assisted suicide and healing crystals.
62) We hereby announce the creation of the Department for the Sexularisation of America. Dan Savage will be the sex Czar and oversee the formation of a Sexology department in every university. At least one paper on sex will be required for Habilitation, regardless of course.
63) Toothpaste experiment proving successful. Next, we will place a sickle in the hands of a popular breakfast cereal mascot.
64) The committee for arbitrary worker regulations will adjourn every five minutes for the perpetual sanitising of seats.
65) Every American has the right to never be offended.
66) Coal industry proving especially productive this year. Must increase grants to the IPCC to fabricate more data.
67) Must replace all instances of the word "inefficiency" with progress in previous reports.
68) Anyone that doesn't find the concept of toiling away for the benefit of another for their entire life only to be consigned to oblivion is probably a fascist anyway.
69) Support the NRA. It's useful having people think small arms will be effective against a state with 40% of the world's global spending on warfare.
70) Marx.
71) Okay, we'll admit it, we're just envious of your car.
72) Yes, we were bullied at school, why do you ask?

[SantaMan]

Mandatory Linky - SNL "Dukakis After Dark " showing all the people the other side would hate
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-li...r-dark/1356893

[elucidator]

President Elizabeth Warren. VP Maddow.

[tomndebb]

Sorry. This is the Elections forum. The Game Room is down the hall.
Here, I'll show you the way.

[ataraxy22]

73) Texas and Arizona will be returned to Mexico to help pay about the Federal Debt. Mexico will turn them into penal colonies run by for-profit contractors that are headquartered in the U.S.
74) Fidel Castro statues will be placed in the center square of every city.
75) Chick-fil-A will be required by law to be open on Sundays.
76) Baseball leagues will be shutdown and replaced with daily gladiator-style combat events between NRA members.
77) Tax rates will be adjusted to more proportionately reflect income, including income from passive revenue streams.
78) Churches will be subject to a 20% sin tax on all income they take in.
79) Jesus will be crucified again. However, Haliburton has purchased the rights to appoint the next son of God, so it won't be all bad.
80) Marriage will be redefined as one gay man and one gay woman.
81) Electoral votes will be re-proportioned based on the cat population.

[BigAppleBucky]

82) No federal funds shall be used to support the manufacture of weapons of any kind including firearms, artillary, naval ships, fighting aircraft, missles, and any and all weapons of mass destruction.

[gamerunknown]

83) We'll support SOPA/CISPA/PIPA just so we can keep an eye on people's "good news" emails. We are actually in support of piracy and wikileaks, but don't let Hollywood know.
84) Turns out that on signing up to the UN, there was a little clause stating that refusing to ratify a treaty with support from 90% of other countries is grounds for ejection from the security council, removal of veto and post hoc overriding of all previous vetoes. Secession from the UN obligates every other member state to declare war on the country removing itself.
85) As one door closes, other doors open. Close all the prisons (turn Wall Street into a federal penitentiary) and re-open Tupac's murder case.

[lawoot]

Originally Posted by gamerunknown

41) The edit window will be reduced to three seconds. Your own damn fault for not previewing the post.

Last edited by gamerunknown; Yesterday at 02:54 PM.

Wonderful juxtaposition there...

[gamerunknown]

86) In concordance with our support for legitimate reprisals, all foreign nations are entitled to one limb of any US citizen they come across.

[Gyrate]

87) All AM radio stations will exclusively play NPR programming.

[rockle]

88) NASCAR regulations shall be amended to require that all vehicles must be hybrids, and their speed cannot exceed 42 mph.

89) Tony Stewart is hereby declared to be Public Enemy No. 1.

[willthekittensurvive?]

90)the N.R.A will become a subdivison of N.A.M.B.L.A. who now will represent the interests of both parties

[Little Nemo]

91) The top priority of the State Department will be the restoration of communism in Eastern Europe and the former Soviet Union.

[Yumblie]

92) Illegal immigrants must be hired for any job they apply for, no questions asked. Also, they are to receive more benefits and higher pay than those legally employed.

93) War will be declared on Christmas. Secret police will search every person's home for any kind of nativity display and destroy it. Any Christians who pray or put on any public religious display will be rounded up into camps and detained indefinitely.

[Little Nemo]

94) A Fairness in Faith doctrine will be applied to all churches. Any Christian services will be required by law to allow a Muslim, Wiccan, Satanist, or atheist an opportunity to present an opposing viewpoint to any Christian message given.

[Little Nemo]

95) The FCC will require NBC to bring back The West Wing as a condition of its 2014 broadcast license renewal and to place it in a favorable time slot with a strong lead-in. The FCC suggests those singing shows seem to be popular and inquires if NBC has one of those.

96) In the spirit of governmental non-interference, the FCC will allow the network to decide if it will continue the series under the traditional "Jed Bartlett" administration, the new "Matt Santos" administration, or an as-yet-unnamed new administration. But the network will be warned not to try to slip in any Arnie Vinnick nonsense.

[Baal Houtham]

I've always liked this solution (from the old National Lampoon) to the persist problem of racial inequality: Integrate families!

[Knorf]

97) Maximum established salaries for CEOs at no more than five times the way of the lowest worker in the firm.

98) All utilities to be nationalized.

99) Mandatory multi-cultural sensitivity training for all U.S. citizens to earn the right to vote.

[Qin Shi Huangdi]

100) The Anthem of the United States shall be the "Internationale"
101) Darwinian evolution shall be mandatory teaching in the public schools and all who refuse to subscribe to it by oath or affirmation shall summarily fail the class
102) It shall forbidden to teach the social impllications of Darwinian evolution

[Jack Batty]

103) All citizens will still be required to rise for the playing of the national anthem, but only if you're really centered, and your chakras aren't too red.