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  #1  
Old 03-02-2012, 07:52 AM
BerryBlast BerryBlast is offline
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My tumultuous best friend is no longer talking to me - how to fix?

Hey all, I will try to keep this as simple and brief as possible.

So this best friend of mine was also an ex. We were very on-and-off in 2010-2011. I think he still likes me and sometimes we FWB but recently I stopped that.

I made a trip to see him recently (purely as friends) and everything was really nice, we took some photos on a nice walk and things.

I got home, uploaded and tagged the photos save for one which I feared looked a little couply and I didn't want to confuse people (bodies leaning in towards each other, his arm round me, both with sweet smiles, his head is leaning towards mine... etc) so I sent that one to him through email instead as it was still a nice picture, but not one I would necessarily want public.

Immediately, he uploaded the picture and tagged me in it. I saw it and immediately detagged and sent him a message saying "whyyyy did you do that, that pic was supposed to be private ". Cue following message conversation:

"What, now you're afraid of being seen with me?"

"No, I just think that picture might confuse people into thinking we're together, you know it's not unexpected because we HAVE gone out in the past, I'm not afraid of being seen with you, I just uploaded a bunch of other pics of our time together"
"Next time we meet I'll make sure to stay your horrific little secret."
"I'm sorry, forget about it, I was being uncool."
"So I'll just put a paper bag over my head in future, you don't realise how HURTFUL you're being."
"Don't you think you're over-reacting a little? I never asked you to remove the picture."
"Are you ashamed of our friendship? I've never considered myself that embarrasing to someone else."


As if to prove my point, 3 hours later, 5 of his family members had commented on the photo commenting on how nice we looked as a couple or 'liking' the photo. --__-- I pointed this out to him and he wanted me to state on the photo that we're just friends, as he did. I didn't want to as that would simply stir up more 'action' and commenting on the photo so I just wanted to let it lie and forget about it all.

Since then, he hasn't spoken to me. I know it wasn't the best move by me to call him out on tagging me, but I do think he's over-reacting here over just one silly little photo. I've messaged him several times now and he won't reply. I seriously can't believe how immature he's being. It is a tumultuous relationship I admit, we often broke-up/made-up because of this very kind of incident happening multiple times. However, he's never given me a 2-week silent treatment before.

What can I do? I just want to forget about this whole thing and move on, but it seems he's not letting it go.

Honest advice/comments would be appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 03-02-2012, 08:04 AM
Sparky812 Sparky812 is offline
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Originally Posted by BerryBlast View Post
What can I do? I just want to forget about this whole thing and move on, but it seems he's not letting it go.

Honest advice/comments would be appreciated.
Actually, it appears he has decided to let it go and move on.
This seems to be another case proving that it is hard, if not impossible, to remain friends with exes.
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  #3  
Old 03-02-2012, 08:07 AM
Mean Mr. Mustard Mean Mr. Mustard is offline
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You (both) are behaving more like a couple than a couple of friends.

This indicates that there is still something simmering somewhere.

You are not yet ready to be just friends.


mmm
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  #4  
Old 03-02-2012, 08:22 AM
jjimm jjimm is offline
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He has feelings for you, you're being insensitive, you've lost him as a friend. End of.

ETA: ask me know I know (that's rhetorical).

Last edited by jjimm; 03-02-2012 at 08:23 AM..
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  #5  
Old 03-02-2012, 08:34 AM
SanVito SanVito is offline
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He's not your best friend, he's currently your ex and behaving as such. Until he has shifted his brain away from that fact, if he ever does, you can't be honest friends with each other.
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  #6  
Old 03-02-2012, 08:35 AM
tdn tdn is offline
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He's in love with you, and you rejected him. And he's not being very grown up about it.

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Originally Posted by jjimm View Post
ETA: ask me know I know (that's rhetorical).
How do you how?
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  #7  
Old 03-02-2012, 08:41 AM
jjimm jjimm is offline
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How do you how?
Shouldn't it be obvious (that's rhetorical too)?
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  #8  
Old 03-02-2012, 08:49 AM
Hello Again Hello Again is offline
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Him: Drama llama.
You: callous and clueless.

yay for a winning combination!

ETA: the fix if to stay away from one another without contact for a significant period, perhaps up to a year depending on how long you've been dating/fucking/snuggling sweetly for the camera.

Last edited by Hello Again; 03-02-2012 at 08:50 AM..
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  #9  
Old 03-02-2012, 09:38 AM
Kevbo Kevbo is offline
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Thank Og for facebook. Things are so much faster and easier now. I can remember when this kind of drama required weeks to play out, and actual effort on the part of the actors.
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  #10  
Old 03-02-2012, 10:00 AM
twickster twickster is offline
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Mod note

Welcome to the SDMB, BerryBlast.

I'm going to move this thread to our advice-giving forum, IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). You didn't do anything wrong -- I just think it's a better fit over there.

Again, welcome.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator
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  #11  
Old 03-02-2012, 10:00 AM
BerryBlast BerryBlast is offline
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Omg *chuckle*. It's actually been a year since we were a couple and we've both dated other people since. During that period, we were in touch less. But when we both broke up with our respective people, we got in touch again as friends/FWB.

Guuuuhhhhh.
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  #12  
Old 03-02-2012, 10:13 AM
Death of Rats Death of Rats is offline
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The problem may be that you were not FWB, you were Ex-es hooking up. Not the same thing.
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  #13  
Old 03-02-2012, 10:19 AM
Vinyl Turnip Vinyl Turnip is online now
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Look, I realize you dated a couple of years ago, but you're both 16 years old now and should try to move on with your lives.

I'm assuming.
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  #14  
Old 03-02-2012, 10:21 AM
tdn tdn is offline
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Some people can handle FWB and some can't. Sex brings up a lot of strong emotions in people. I can't really blame the guy for thinking there's more to this than you do.
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  #15  
Old 03-02-2012, 11:15 AM
Kimmy_Gibbler Kimmy_Gibbler is offline
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Originally Posted by BerryBlast View Post
What can I do? I just want to forget about this whole thing and move on, but it seems he's not letting it go.
You don't need his permission to move on. You do need to stop pretending that you can still be very great friends immediately after the break-up and still have convenience sex with him all while simultaneously trying to move on.

Last edited by Kimmy_Gibbler; 03-02-2012 at 11:16 AM..
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  #16  
Old 03-02-2012, 11:37 AM
Taomist Taomist is offline
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He obviously still has feelings for you, and probably realizes that it's not what you want, he just doesn't know how to handle it. So he's backing off. Give him a bit of time. I went through something similar with an ex: We were great friends for years, got together for a couple of years, and recognized it wasn't the best match. So we agreed to split, but couldn't bear not still being friends. So we did that for a few months, and it was...ok...until he wanted to gush to me all about this new girl he was seeing.
At that point I realized I needed a little more time to change how I felt about him, so I told him that. I asked for about a month, just to get my head together and move on, and then I'd be back, hopefully feeling less sad about it. It was the most grown-up decision I had made to date, and involved wrestling a LOT of emotions around.

It worked, eventually...two weeks into the month, he showed up at my doorstep, distressed because he'd 'lost his friend'. We'd been together so long, as friends, that it'd turned into a kind of need...which is fine if you can stay friends, but what can you do when it interferes with romance?

It takes time for both parties to re-adjust to a new situation. It sounds as if you have, and he hasn't. He may not be able to get past this, but maybe he can. Give him some time, but I wouldn't give up just yet. Just recognize that, if he does come back as a friend, you may not get all the satisfaction you did when he was still wanting more from you. You will have to accept that, too.
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  #17  
Old 03-02-2012, 01:00 PM
BerryBlast BerryBlast is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip View Post
Look, I realize you dated a couple of years ago, but you're both 16 years old now and should try to move on with your lives.

I'm assuming.
We're in our mid-twenties, but yeah. Okay, I suppose what people are saying is that we should just have some space for now... :/
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  #18  
Old 03-02-2012, 01:07 PM
BerryBlast BerryBlast is offline
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Originally Posted by Taomist View Post
He obviously still has feelings for you, and probably realizes that it's not what you want, he just doesn't know how to handle it. So he's backing off. Give him a bit of time. I went through something similar with an ex: We were great friends for years, got together for a couple of years, and recognized it wasn't the best match. So we agreed to split, but couldn't bear not still being friends. So we did that for a few months, and it was...ok...until he wanted to gush to me all about this new girl he was seeing.
At that point I realized I needed a little more time to change how I felt about him, so I told him that. I asked for about a month, just to get my head together and move on, and then I'd be back, hopefully feeling less sad about it. It was the most grown-up decision I had made to date, and involved wrestling a LOT of emotions around.

It worked, eventually...two weeks into the month, he showed up at my doorstep, distressed because he'd 'lost his friend'. We'd been together so long, as friends, that it'd turned into a kind of need...which is fine if you can stay friends, but what can you do when it interferes with romance?

It takes time for both parties to re-adjust to a new situation. It sounds as if you have, and he hasn't. He may not be able to get past this, but maybe he can. Give him some time, but I wouldn't give up just yet. Just recognize that, if he does come back as a friend, you may not get all the satisfaction you did when he was still wanting more from you. You will have to accept that, too.
Thanks for sharing, I will keep your words in mind.
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  #19  
Old 03-02-2012, 01:25 PM
Rachellelogram Rachellelogram is offline
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He might still want to FWB with you (or maybe even be your bf again). You don't want to do that. Cutting off communication is the smartest thing to do, even if it's not easy. There was no need for him to get all overly-dramatic and weird about it, instead of honest, but that's how a lot of young people roll these days.
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  #20  
Old 03-02-2012, 02:05 PM
Why Child Why Child is offline
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Originally Posted by BerryBlast View Post
1.) "What, now you're afraid of being seen with me?"
2.) "Next time we meet I'll make sure to stay your horrific little secret."
3.) "So I'll just put a paper bag over my head in future, you don't realise how HURTFUL you're being."
4.) "Are you ashamed of our friendship? I've never considered myself that embarrasing to someone else."
(snip)
I do think he's over-reacting here over just one silly little photo. I've messaged him several times now and he won't reply. I seriously can't believe how immature he's being. It is a tumultuous relationship I admit, we often broke-up/made-up because of this very kind of incident happening multiple times. However, he's never given me a 2-week silent treatment before.

What can I do? I just want to forget about this whole thing and move on, but it seems he's not letting it go.

Honest advice/comments would be appreciated.
He made his point 4 times! Yes, I agree he is over-reacting! If this level of sarcasm comes out over a silly little photo, I can only imagine what a big argument was like. (And to think I thought I missed my mid-twenties.)
My best advice - Watch for this sarcasm in the future. Effective arguing doesn't happen like that. You have to be able to say, "Please explain your point to me," without repetitive sarcasm. Is he a name-caller, too?
Take this as a general rule, there are exceptions...You break up with someone, they want to get back together, they understand and accept what the previous problems were, and state that they have "changed," (Oh, baby, I promise, it'll never happen again...) if you loved them, ok, one more chance. (Unless the problem is that they hit you -get out and never look back.) If then a second break-up happens for the same reason, no more chances. They're telling you what you want to hear, and you are wasting time. I'd rather be alone than miserable.
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  #21  
Old 03-02-2012, 02:44 PM
Dogzilla Dogzilla is offline
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Without reading another reply:

The Silent Treatment™ is classic manipulation, designed to make you upset and go crawling back and prostrate yourself and possibly even throw yourself on your sword in order to repent for the heinous crime you've committed against your passive-aggressive friend.

The only way to fight The Silent Treatment™ is to pretend you haven't noticed that you're getting no response. The only way The Silent Treatment™ hurts you is if you let it. "Why won't you answer? What's wrrooooonnnnng?" is exactly what the perpetrator of The Silent Treatment wants.

I would invoke my Three Strikes rule: If I reach out/contact you/invite you or whatever three times in a row and get no response, a firm no, and no reciprocation, I take the hint that you really aren't all that interested in feeding and watering a friendship with me, and I back off. I will not be that clingy, needy friend who can't take a hint. So I'd give this friend three chances to respond to me in some way and if he doesn't, buh-bye, he will be missed. And then just move on.

In what other ways is this guy controlling?
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  #22  
Old 03-02-2012, 03:07 PM
Rachellelogram Rachellelogram is offline
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Originally Posted by Dogzilla View Post
Without reading another reply:

The Silent Treatment™ is classic manipulation, designed to make you upset and go crawling back and prostrate yourself and possibly even throw yourself on your sword in order to repent for the heinous crime you've committed against your passive-aggressive friend.

The only way to fight The Silent Treatment™ is to pretend you haven't noticed that you're getting no response. The only way The Silent Treatment™ hurts you is if you let it. "Why won't you answer? What's wrrooooonnnnng?" is exactly what the perpetrator of The Silent Treatment wants.

I would invoke my Three Strikes rule: If I reach out/contact you/invite you or whatever three times in a row and get no response, a firm no, and no reciprocation, I take the hint that you really aren't all that interested in feeding and watering a friendship with me, and I back off. I will not be that clingy, needy friend who can't take a hint. So I'd give this friend three chances to respond to me in some way and if he doesn't, buh-bye, he will be missed. And then just move on.

In what other ways is this guy controlling?
Yeah I've been using the three strikes rule for friendships in the past year, and found it very helpful. It also alleviates some social anxiety because I know I don't come off as desperate anymore. The ball is firmly in the other person's court at that point.
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  #23  
Old 03-02-2012, 04:35 PM
Beastly Rotter Beastly Rotter is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip View Post
Look, I realize you dated a couple of years ago, but you're both 16 years old now and should try to move on with your lives.
High School can be a difficult time.
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  #24  
Old 03-02-2012, 05:14 PM
purplehorseshoe purplehorseshoe is offline
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Originally Posted by Kimmy_Gibbler View Post
You don't need his permission to move on. You do need to stop pretending that you can still be very great friends immediately after the break-up and still have convenience sex with him all while simultaneously trying to move on.
Most concise and honest answer. You need a clean break, kid, not this tangled mess.
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  #25  
Old 03-03-2012, 04:16 AM
BerryBlast BerryBlast is offline
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Wow, that Silent Treatment post was very insightful!

Why Child, you're right, doing the conversation, he never once did address my points, only continuing his barrage of drama. A case of only hearing what he wanted to hear vs. what I had to say methinks.

Actually, the reason why we're tumultuous is because he often broke up with me. He would often over-react to things that would be quite a small deal to other people (I think) and consider it a deal-breaker. That's why when he cooled down (after a day or two), he would always want to get back together.

Our personalities are rather opposite, he's super kind, sensitive, a little shy. I can be rather blunt and outgoing. I rage but forgive and forget easily. He ingrains every bad moment into his soul. Like this one. We're friends because we have the same wide-ranging hobbies and interests in life which we've never found in anyone else.
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  #26  
Old 03-03-2012, 08:27 AM
eclectic wench eclectic wench is offline
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I'm completely with Dogzilla on this. Sulking and the silent treatment are mind games. I don't play mind games, because I'm not fifteen.

If someone gives me the silent treatment with no explanation, I try three times and then ignore them. They can either tell me what the problem is so we can sort it out like grownups, or decide to forget about it and just be friends as normal, or take their drama elsewhere. I don't play 'Oh pleeeease tell me what I did wrong so I can beg for forgiveness!!!!'

If someone throws a hissy fit like this one and then starts with the silent treatment, I send one e-mail/voice message/whatever laying out my side. ('Hi, I'm really sorry I hurt you by untagging that photo. I didn't mean to be hurtful - you're absolutely not embarrassing to me in any way - I was just aiming for clarity. I value our friendship a huge amount, and I'd love to hear from you if/when you're ready.') Then I leave the other person to it. He'll either go away for good, or else get over himself and get in touch.

That's what I'd do here. Make sure you say what you want to say, calmly and directly and with love or affection or whatever you have for this guy. Then leave him to deal with it as he chooses. Don't get sucked into his drama.

At this point I have very few friends who play mind games. Partly this is because none of us are fifteen, but partly it's because the drama brigade have either taken their drama elsewhere or decided it's not worth trying it on me any more.
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  #27  
Old 03-03-2012, 09:01 AM
santorum santorum is offline
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Originally Posted by BerryBlast View Post
Hey all, I will try to keep this as simple and brief as possible.

So this best friend of mine was also an ex. We were very on-and-off in 2010-2011. I think he still likes me and sometimes we FWB but recently I stopped that.

Hey start it back up. That will fix the problem!
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  #28  
Old 03-03-2012, 09:32 AM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is online now
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Originally Posted by Hello Again View Post
Him: Drama llama.
You: callous and clueless.

yay for a winning combination!

ETA: the fix if to stay away from one another without contact for a significant period, perhaps up to a year depending on how long you've been dating/fucking/snuggling sweetly for the camera.
This.

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Originally Posted by Kevbo View Post
Thank Og for facebook. Things are so much faster and easier now. I can remember when this kind of drama required weeks to play out, and actual effort on the part of the actors.
And also this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BerryBlast View Post
<snip>

Actually, the reason why we're tumultuous is because he often broke up with me. He would often over-react to things that would be quite a small deal to other people (I think) and consider it a deal-breaker. That's why when he cooled down (after a day or two), he would always want to get back together.

Our personalities are rather opposite, he's super kind, sensitive, a little shy. I can be rather blunt and outgoing. I rage but forgive and forget easily. He ingrains every bad moment into his soul. Like this one. We're friends because we have the same wide-ranging hobbies and interests in life which we've never found in anyone else.
It doesn't sound like you're very good together or very compatible; on-and-off and tumultuous isn't a solid relationship for most people. I think given your compatible interests that you could be friends some day, but that day is not for a while, and probably not until you're both in healthy relationships so you don't backslide into something that doesn't work (dating, friends with benefits, friends that snuggle in pictures and look like a couple, etc.). Maybe not even then, if the past keeps getting in the way.
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  #29  
Old 03-03-2012, 09:52 AM
Ravenman Ravenman is online now
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Originally Posted by eclectic wench View Post
I'm completely with Dogzilla on this. Sulking and the silent treatment are mind games. I don't play mind games, because I'm not fifteen. ...

At this point I have very few friends who play mind games. Partly this is because none of us are fifteen, but partly it's because the drama brigade have either taken their drama elsewhere or decided it's not worth trying it on me any more.
To be fair, it seems the OP has been manipulative of the guy, as well. To carry out an on-and-off relationship for two years with a guy who is more into her than she is into him, and then expects an instant change into from FWB to best friends, is an equally valid definition of "mind games." It's not the worst thing you can do to another person, but it is very inconsiderate of the other person's feelings, and would seem to speak of poor boundaries.

I think the answer here is that the OP needs to establish some boundaries, have some mercy on this guy who is clearly on a different emotional page than the OP, and just let the relationship (friendship or otherwise) end. No more reaching out, no trying to mend things, just let it end.

And bonus advice: the OP should look into the rage issue, too. Just because she can fly off the handle and forget about it quickly doesn't mean that's an ok thing to subject other people to.

Last edited by Ravenman; 03-03-2012 at 09:53 AM..
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  #30  
Old 03-03-2012, 10:16 AM
fatmac98 fatmac98 is offline
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He's still into you.

Men and women can't be best friends unless they're sleeping together.
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  #31  
Old 03-03-2012, 10:17 AM
eclectic wench eclectic wench is offline
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To be fair, it seems the OP has been manipulative of the guy, as well. To carry out an on-and-off relationship for two years with a guy who is more into her than she is into him, and then expects an instant change into from FWB to best friends, is an equally valid definition of "mind games." It's not the worst thing you can do to another person, but it is very inconsiderate of the other person's feelings, and would seem to speak of poor boundaries.

I think the answer here is that the OP needs to establish some boundaries, have some mercy on this guy who is clearly on a different emotional page than the OP, and just let the relationship (friendship or otherwise) end. No more reaching out, no trying to mend things, just let it end.
See, I don't think that's manipulative, assuming that she's been upfront about her feelings all the way. Inconsiderate, yes, but mind games, no.

I agree that it's still unfair. And I focused on the mind-games element because mind games bug me, personally, more than inconsiderateness. (Inconsiderateness is much simpler and cleaner to deal with upfront: 'Hey, what you did really hurt me' and a ten-minute discussion to clear the air and set out future boundaries, versus weeks of trying to work out WTF is going on, never mind how to fix it, never mind when or why it's all going to start up again, and just GAH.)

But I'm not convinced that the only solution is to end the friendship. Even looking at the situation the other way round, with the focus on the OP not having been considerate of this guy's stronger feelings, I still think that the best thing is for her to lay out her side, tell him how much she does value his friendship, and let him respond when/if he's ready. That may be never, or he may be on the same page as her sooner or later, and that should be up to him to determine on his own. If she gets sucked into the drama, then he doesn't get the space to do that, because he's busy with the drama.
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  #32  
Old 03-03-2012, 11:09 AM
Wheelz Wheelz is offline
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You overreacted to him posting the picture. He overreacted to your overreaction. Based on your descriptions, neither of you is coming across as particularly mature here.

I won't tell you what I think you should do, because you're going to do what you want anyway. But my observation is that the two of you don't seem to bring out the best in one another, so you may want to keep that in mind when assessing the future of this friendship/relationship/whatever it is.
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  #33  
Old 03-03-2012, 11:22 AM
handsomeharry handsomeharry is offline
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There's something that I can't quite define in your sending him the pic and then saying "I don't want people to get the wrong idea." Something wrong with that. WTF did you even send it to him, if you were worried about people (including him) getting the wrong idea?
Or, why not just send it to him, keep a sock in it, and assume that he wasn't an idiot? If, from past experience, you knew he was an idiot, well...

As I said, there's something here not right with you. I've heard the 'don't want people to get the wrong idea..." thing before, and, there is something in it...manipulation? cruelty? toying? Can't quite define it...


I think that you are being too full of yourself when you act as if you were done dirt in his not addressing your needs in your conversation. Of course, he may be a nut case, and all, but, you called up to give him crap. And, you're constantly sending him mixed signals...and now he's the insensitive one for not validating you?

Next time you get the hots, find another ex to do it with, not this one. You can't handle him.
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  #34  
Old 03-03-2012, 11:48 AM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is online now
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He wants something different than you want. You aren't even letting him indulge in the fantasy (which is good, you shouldn't). But that means that he'll find it really hard to be around you. The terms you need for this friendship right now are incompatible with the terms he needs. This may change given time, it may not change. Move this particular friend from "best" category into "acquaintance" category and move on.

I think you are both setting good boundaries, the problem is that those boundaries aren't compatible.
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  #35  
Old 03-03-2012, 12:30 PM
BerryBlast BerryBlast is offline
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Okay, fair play on the comments. I admit I would hardly win any Girlfriend of the Year awards. It might come across like we don't have fun at all, when we do sometimes. I think it's rather sad that no matter how hard we want to be in each other's lives (as evinced by the number of times we get back together), however, one small simple thing can just shatter the relationship/friendship.

Just to lay it all out there: We were together for 2 years (1 year normal, 1 year LDR), then we both dated other people for several months, then FWB for a few months. However, we don't see each other all that much because we're not in the same city, although I do make trips to that city as much as I can because it's where lots of my friends are. So when I say FWB, it's not like we just call each other up for a booty call all the time.

Ravenman: Rage hasn't come up so much any more, but it has been a year since we were together anyway.

It was a nice picture, and he knew about it when I took the photo and he wanted it. He seems to think there was nothing couply about the photo whilst the evidence seems to state otherwise.

I have very clearly stated my boundaries and intentions (whenever prompted) BUT when we see each other, he often presses for some 'fun' saying we're both single, the sex is good, why not? Sometimes I give in, sometimes it feels off. <--- There are probably lots of fallacies and contradictions in this section.
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  #36  
Old 03-05-2012, 11:09 AM
Dogzilla Dogzilla is offline
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Originally Posted by BerryBlast View Post
<snip>

I have very clearly stated my boundaries and intentions (whenever prompted) BUT when we see each other, he often presses for some 'fun' saying we're both single, the sex is good, why not? Sometimes I give in, sometimes it feels off. <--- There are probably lots of fallacies and contradictions in this section.
I'm reading into one small comment and of course, I know nothing about all the gritty details of your relationship. But it sounds to me like he's a bit manipulative, wearing you down to bang him when you don't necessarily want to.

I think you should check out Heartless Bitches International, read The Manipulator Files section and see if anything rings true to you. If I'm way far off base, then you'll have spent some time on interesting reading. If I nailed it, you may find some of the articles there extremely helpful.
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  #37  
Old 03-05-2012, 01:48 PM
Engineer Dude Engineer Dude is offline
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Originally Posted by santorum View Post
Hey start it back up. That will fix the problem!
You forgot to add, "And after you start the FWB back up, don't use contraception since contraception is a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be", santorum
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