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  #1  
Old 11-21-2001, 09:40 AM
RickJay RickJay is offline
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Since we're doing light bulb jokes, I figured I'd open a thread on simple, straightforward, non-obscene one-liners. Whaddya got?


Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.
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  #2  
Old 11-21-2001, 09:52 AM
Ethilrist Ethilrist is offline
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Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A. A stick.

---------------------

Q. How do you get down off of an elephant?

A. You don't. You get down off of a duck.
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  #3  
Old 11-21-2001, 09:52 AM
NutMagnet NutMagnet is offline
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Woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get the pig?"
Woman says, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"
Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"





Hey! Give that man a lampshade.
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  #4  
Old 11-21-2001, 09:54 AM
The Great Gazoo The Great Gazoo is offline
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What did the grape say when an elephant sat on it?

Nothing. It just let out a little whine.
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  #5  
Old 11-21-2001, 10:46 AM
rsa rsa is online now
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Knock-Knock

Who's there?

Impatient chicken

Impatient chick... BRAKKKK!!!
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  #6  
Old 11-21-2001, 10:56 AM
grimpixie grimpixie is offline
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What sits in a tree and shouts "I'm a pear!!"

A Crazy Apple
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  #7  
Old 11-21-2001, 11:02 AM
armedmonkey armedmonkey is offline
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A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "You know, we got a drink named after you"
The grasshopper says, "You got a drink named Harold?"


A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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  #8  
Old 11-21-2001, 11:03 AM
roadrunner70 roadrunner70 is offline
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What do you call a 5 pound songbird in England? Two kilo mockingbird.
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  #9  
Old 11-21-2001, 11:25 AM
Reeder Reeder is offline
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A few from Stephen Wright

King of the one liners..


I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."


When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually...


Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators
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  #10  
Old 11-21-2001, 12:03 PM
whatever1 whatever1 is offline
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a guy walks into a bar and says ouch
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  #11  
Old 11-21-2001, 12:03 PM
DireStraits DireStraits is offline
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RickJay- My own followup to your joke (which I laughed myself silly when I first heard it) is as follows:

What is red and sticky?









Baton Rouge.


My wife still doesn't think it is funny. I think she just doesn't get it....
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  #12  
Old 11-21-2001, 12:07 PM
Dragwyr Dragwyr is offline
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Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife is such a bad cook.... at our house we pray after we eat. And our dog begs for Alka-Selzer.
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  #13  
Old 11-21-2001, 12:18 PM
jk1245 jk1245 is offline
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Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.

A Family of tomatoes is walking down the street. The littlest tomato starts to lag behind. The angry father walks back to the little one, stomps on him, and screams
"Catch up"
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  #14  
Old 11-21-2001, 02:00 PM
ianzin ianzin is offline
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Q. What's brown and makes a noise like a bell?
A. DUNG!!!

Q. What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
A. A d'ya-think-esaurus.
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  #15  
Old 11-21-2001, 02:11 PM
DAVEW0071 DAVEW0071 is offline
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Did ya hear the one about the Buddhist who went up to the hot dog vendor and said, "Make me one with everything."
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  #16  
Old 11-21-2001, 02:22 PM
Corrvin Corrvin is offline
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Then the Buddhist pays for his hotdog with a $20. The vendor pockets it. "Hey, where's my change?"

The vendor smiles mysteriously and says "Change comes from within."

Corr
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  #17  
Old 11-21-2001, 02:40 PM
EVO95 EVO95 is offline
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Polish Pilot to Co-Pilot: “Damn that was a short runway” Co-Pilot: “Yeah, and so wide.”
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  #18  
Old 11-21-2001, 02:47 PM
DaToad DaToad is offline
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "so, why the long face?"

A few more from Rodney:

I asked my bar tender, "Can you make me a zombie?"

He says, "no, God beat me to it!"

My wife likes to talk after sex. Last night, she called from the hotel.
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  #19  
Old 11-21-2001, 03:01 PM
nineiron nineiron is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by ianzin

Q. What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
A. A d'ya-think-esaurus.

Boy, do I feel dumb. I don't get it at all.

A duck walks into a drugstore and buys some Chapstick. The cashier says, "Will that be cash?" and the duck says, "No, just put it on my bill."
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  #20  
Old 11-21-2001, 04:14 PM
Gorgon Heap Gorgon Heap is offline
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A cripple and a pregnant woman go into a porn shop ...

Oh, wait ... that was just a comment I (after back surgery) made to my pregnant wife while driving past a porn shop.

See? Life imitates art.
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  #21  
Old 11-21-2001, 04:28 PM
CheapBastid CheapBastid is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by nineiron
Quote:
Originally posted by ianzin

Q. What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
A. A d'ya-think-esaurus.

Boy, do I feel dumb. I don't get it at all.
D'ya think he Sawr us?
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  #22  
Old 11-21-2001, 05:03 PM
nineiron nineiron is offline
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Ah, I guess it's in the way it's said, then....

Got it.
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  #23  
Old 11-21-2001, 05:36 PM
Mole Mole is offline
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Why is six scared of seven?

Because seven eight nine
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  #24  
Old 11-21-2001, 05:44 PM
Eutychus Eutychus is offline
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Did you hear about the two peanuts walking throught Central Park? One was a salted.
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  #25  
Old 11-21-2001, 07:44 PM
anyi anyi is offline
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One-liners?

Doesn't a one-liner have just one line? A lot of these jokes, including the OP, have more than one line. Does anyone have a definition?

Here's a one-liner, literally:

A severed foot is the perfect stocking-stuffer.
-- Mitch Hedberg
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  #26  
Old 11-21-2001, 08:04 PM
Syehoc Syehoc is offline
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Since we're breaking the one liner mold...

Guy hears a knock on his door and answers it only to find a snail on his welcome mat. Out of frustration he throws it across the street into the dessert. Two years later he is once again interrupted by a knocking. He answers and it's the snail, "You don't know me, pal. What the hell was that all about?"

::waits for laughter::

Ehh, I like it anyway.
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  #27  
Old 11-21-2001, 08:55 PM
Kalashnikov Kalashnikov is offline
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Did you hear about the copycat terrorists who hijacked a blimp?

They bounced off three buildings before they realized it wasn't going to work.
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  #28  
Old 11-21-2001, 09:14 PM
cornflakes cornflakes is offline
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There was the Aggie who on December 7th, 1941 attacked Pearl Bailey...
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