WinXP - Just put a gun in my mouth, okay?

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m nearly salivating as I open the box. Brand new notebook, fresh from the folks at Toshiba. 1.7 Gigahertz, loaded with RAM, huge display, all sortsa connectivity options. I am in heaven. The only potential source of problems could be this thing I’ve heard so much about but have never experienced myself - Windows XP.

Well, I’m booting up and it doesn’t seem to look too different from Win98 or WinME. Hey, where’s the “My Computer” icon? Oh, I guess they decided to put that over here under the start menu. What’s that, Mr. WinXP? Do I want to register with Microsoft now? Well, I think I’d rather wait until I’m connected to the Internet. Am I sure? Yes, I’m sure. Lemme load you up with software and then I’ll get you connected to the ol’ home network.

Here’s Office XP. And Photoshop. The XP Media Player Bonus Pack I got from Microsoft at Internet World. Don’t forget PCAnywhere. And why don’t I just set up AOL just in case I’m on the road without a LAN connection? Great. Let’s connect to the network. Lessee…I’ll plug this spare CAT-5 cable into the hub, plug the other end into Mr. Toshiba here…

What’s that, Mr. WinXP? You found an Internet connection? Well, that’s just great. I didn’t even have to tell you where to find it. Oh, wait one second Mr. WinXP. You just stole the IP address from my game server. Yes, I know the game server is off right now and it’s not running games, but that doesn’t mean you can take its IP address. You don’t want to give it up? Well, hang onto it for now. I’ll deal with it the next time I want to play a game.

Okay Mr. WinXP. What I really want to do now is to connect to the network so I can juice you up with some nice MP3s for when I’m on the road. What? There’s a new version of Windows Messenger available? That’s great, but I really don’t use Windows Messenger. I use ICQ or AOL IM (if I’m really desperate). Can we get you hooked up to the network now?

What’s that? I can have Windows automatically retrieve updates and install them? That’s nice. Hey wait - I didn’t mean I wanted to install an update now. No, don’t go out to the Internet and start downloading stuff - I need to get you connected to the network first. Hey! Cut it out!

Oh, I need to reboot? That’s just great. It’s getting late. Let’s get this over with so I can finish getting you connected.

Mr. WinXP? What happened to Network Neighborhood? Oh, you don’t have Network Neighborhood anymore. And what you do have is lodged in the Start Menu. Okay. Hey, there’s a wizard for getting you connected to the network. Let’s run that. What? Microsoft doesn’t recommend my particular network configuration? Well guess what, Mr. WinXP? I don’t give a flying fuck what Microsoft thinks about my network configuration. This is how I have it set up and this is how it’s going to be.

No, I don’t want to share an Internet connection. Every computer gets an IP address from Road Runner via DHCP. That’s the way it is. No, I don’t want all the computers on my network to access the Internet through this computer. They all connect directly. And besides, you’re going to be with me on the road half the time.

No, don’t firewall yourself from the Internet. I already have a firewall. You don’t care? Well, fuck this Network wizard. Obviously it doesn’t know jack shit about my network. We’ll just pop into your Network connection window and change a few settings… Hey, why is that “Properties” button greyed out? I’m not allowed to change the properties for Printer and File Sharing? Well why the fuck not? I’m a big boy.

Oh, I see. You don’t want to let me change anything. You think this is my first computer and that I’ll screw something up if I have the ability to change things. Well that sucks. There’s nothing I can do about it? Well okay. Let’s try the wizard again.

What’s that? I have to make a disk and run this wizard on every computer in my network? Well that’s pretty fucked up, Mr. WinXP. My three other computers are hooked up, operating on the same workgroup and are happily sharing files and printers. Why would I want to screw with that? Well, if it makes it easier for you to connect, I guess I’ll test it out on my desktop that runs WinME.

Gee, that didn’t work very well. I had to reboot the WinME machine three times and it still can’t see your computer over the network, Mr. WinXP. You’re going to have to relent and let me change some settings. You don’t wanna? Too bad.

Stop greying out buttons, WinXP! Let me do what I want. Yes, I understand the consequences. Quit treating me like a child. Quit fucking around, give my gameserver its IP back, get your ass on the network and start sharing like everyone else. Why? Because it’s MY FUCKING $2,700 and YOU SHOULD BEHAVE LIKE I TELL YOU TO BEHAVE AND NOT LIKE MICROSOFT WANTS YOU TO.

There’s another update available? Great. Why didn’t you get it the first time you went out to the Internet for updates? I can’t very well have a notebook computer that needs to be connected to the Internet every five fucking minutes like a child that drank too much lemonade and needs to go to the bathroom. You sure you’re not sending out my personal information to Gates and Ballmer?

You installed new hardware? Without asking? Okay, Mr. Smartass. What exactly did you install? A USB floppy drive? Well, WinXP, I’ve got news for you. That drive has been plugged in since three restarts ago and you’re just recognizing it now? What are you, fucking dense?

I’m going to bed. What is this? Computing or child care? I don’t need a computer that acts like a three year old. Hopefully you’ll be better behaved in the morning.

2

Sounds like you got XP home. If it’s not too late, get XP professional - I didn’t run into a single issue that you mentioned above (except the messenger thing, but that can be removed).

Also - are you using a router for your LAN? If so, just give your game server a static IP so your XP machine can’t steal it.

3

I give this rant an extremely rare 10.0 on the Fenrisometer. The gradual progression from happy anticpation to frustration into rage was skillfully handled, the subtle nuance in invoking XP’s personality without giving XP a word of dialogue, the skillful use of language (only a plebian would sully this masterpiece with the comment “Not enough swear words”. It had exactly as many as needed) and the final comparison of WinXP to a spoiled child made this rant a delight to read. I laughed, I cried, I felt young again. This rant is destined to be one for the ages.

Fenris, Rant Critic at Large

BTW: XP Sux!

4

Yes - a comedic masterpiece.

But I fear for his mental wellbeing when XP starts demanding lollipops and trips to Monsters Inc.

pan

5

Who’s gonna be the first to come in and say, “If you only used Linux/Unix/Mac, this wouldn’t happen”?

C’mon, we’re all waiting.

Runner up goes to the first person to say, “Bill Gates is the devil.”

6

The real test of his sanity will come when his new laptop demands an ActiMates, or it’s going to sit in the corner and hold it’s breath.

I can hardly wait to hear the rant when XP grows up into a willful teenager!

7

This is exactly why I will NEVER upgrade to Windows XP. Stupid “phone home” bullshit. If I want my computer to call M$ for an update, I’ll tell it to.

Someone where I work told me that they tried to format their HD to get rid of WinXP and it wouldn’t let them. Can’t say for sure whether that is really true but it would figure.

8

Great rant, absolutely.
But, errr… I kinda like XP. I installed it at home (Professional Edition, though), and it didn’t involve a lot of work to get everything going again.

I am a satisfied customer, and I like the auto-update stuff.

Anyway, don’t let that get in the way of a good rant, of course. Fuck XP! Down with Gates! :slight_smile:

9

My experience here is with XP Professional. Your mileage with XP Home may vary.

It’s rather easy to turn off the “stupid ‘phone home’ bullshit”. Of course, it’s I don’t remember it offhand, since I only had to do it once, and right when I installed. I do recall that it was relatively easy to find and change it from “autocheck for updates” to “check for updates ONLY WHEN I SAY SO, BITCH”.

Another vote for XP Professional. I was reading the rant and thinking “hey, is this guy using XP or a cheap Mexican knockoff?” I think this may not be a technical term, but so far for me, XP has been the biz-zomb.

10

I’ve formatted a hard drive with XP on it a few times with no difficulty. I can’t guess what problem your co-worker might have had.

Personally, I think MS is by far the best MS product yet. Unfortunately, it doesn’t run Empire Earth (at least, I couldn’t get it to work), so I reinstalled 98.

11

Oh god, can I sympathize. Ever since my husband upgraded to the home version of WinXP on his laptop, it’s been inaccessible on our home network (my desktop running ME and laptop running 98SE, plus his laptop). I’ve tried everything, including using XP’s network setup disk, which couldn’t even tell that my laptop had a network card much less a functioning Internet connection. Now he can’t access the printer from his laptop and our file sharing is gone, yet for some reason I can ping his computer and vice versa. He’s seriously close to going back to ME.

Let’s not mention the “Fisher Price” default setup that insists you can’t make any changes in the system, or its lovable tendency to insist on using its own drivers for your hardware because it knows what’s best for you.

12

Sure. But you can always install another driver later. I did that with my video card driver - the other ones were fine the way XP selected them.

13

Most likely the drive was partitioned and formatted by XP, and the coworker tried to remove the partitions with FDISK from a Windows 98 Startup Disk. Usually if the drive is one big partition it’s not a problem, otherwise it can be tricky (FDISK has problems with what it sees as non-DOS parts).

And finally, put me down for a vote for XP too. M$ still sucks of course, but I like Windows XP :).

14

Ah, I love XP. It runs so smoothly (my computer starts up now in about 15 seconds, as opposed to a minute and a half with 98). It’s so easily configured (betcha didn’t know you can change all those settings, didja, Thespos?).

Sounds like you want to run that sucker under Classic mode. Right-click on the desktop, go to Properties, click on the Theme tab, and set it to “Windows Classic”… voila!

After that, you’ll have to fiddle around with some of the settings to get it how you wanted (you didn’t really think it’d come pre-set to Thespos-mode, didja?)… trust me, it’s really simple to disable all the live updates and unnecessary background stuff. Some suggestions:

-After setting it to have the Windows Classic appearance, right-click on My Computer, select Properties, then choose Automatic Updates… either set it to Manual or Disabled, depending on your preference.

-Then click on the Performance tab (same Properties window)… to get the most out of your machine (and to get rid of all the silly flashy things on your computer) you can set the thing to “Best Performance”… gets rid of the unnecessary transition windows.

As for the network issues… hell if I know what’s up with that. I had no glitches at all when getting my comp onto the network. I think Slacker’s right… you got stuck with XP Home Edition. Rectify that, immediately!

'Course, I’m using XP Corporate edition… same as Pro, but without the activation requirement… :smiley:

15

This is what you get when you let an illegal monopoly run amok, kids.

Oh, and Bill Gates is the Devil. So there. :wink:

16

6 people who have no problem with it, and 3 or 4 who do? Hmm, that is terrible. :wink:

17

Dear God no, Win 2k sure, 98 fine, hell i’ll even e-mail you the install files for 3.1 if you really want me to, but ME? ME? I have to say that has rocked my faith in humanity. BTW you can turn off the catoony XP look and go back to good ol windows classic. As to the rant, I applaude amiably at and am humbled by your pisstitude.

Clever Hans, the man who still uses winfile on occasion.

18

Well, going back to ME would (assuming all goes well in the process, which somehow I doubt) at least get him back on our home network. It also supposedly is ‘easy’ to go back to the previous OS version using some option in the home edition of XP, and his laptop shipped with ME on it.

19

I’m a Mac user, so take this with the usual 1 apothecary gr. sodium chloride, but –

I’m pretty sure the home version of XP doesn’t DO local or WAN networking. No file sharing, no network neighborhood, unsure about DHCP or sharing other resources nicely with other boxes.

Girlfriend has XP Pro on a new desktop after virtually throwing Compaq Presario laptop with Windows 98 out the window about a month ago. I helped her set it up and install all her applications and move all her data files over from the Compaq, and I think both of us are favorably impressed. I told her to pay the extra for the Pro version because I’d heard so many bad things about XP Home. From what I see here, I think that was the correct decision.

Of course you should’ve gotten a Mac, but you already knew that… :wink:

20

This is exactly the road I’ve seen Microsoft pushing its ‘consumer’ OSs down since WinME dropped full MS-DOS emulation. They want to create another goddamned Macintosh twenty years after the MacOS was the Big Thing: A box you can’t fuck up because it won’t let you get beneath the surface. This is especially ironic now, seeing as how MacOS X is using a BSD (Open-Source) codebase and Apple itself seems to be getting saner by the minute. Microsoft will soon want to make MS-Boxen, PC-oids that can only run MS software (until a bright seven-year-old cracks them and is then jailed under the DMCA) and are as sealed as Macintosh boxen.

BeOS tried that once: The BeBox is now a quaint curiosity, an example of something other than a Mac using Motorola chips. BeOS had to be ported to Intel machines. Why? The Intel architecture is ubiquitous and cheap. Thousands of Taiwanese work to make it so. The Motorola architecture is expensive and restricted to a niche market (aka: Mac users). Hell, it isn’t even the Motorola architecture: It’s the Apple architecture that happens to use Motorola CPUs. It’s fucking owned by the OS maker, and they aren’t too hot on it being copied. Apple is committing suicide because it won’t let anyone make the hardware its software needs cheap. Microsoft took advantage of the dirt-cheap IBM-PC clones when it compiled MS-DOS to run on an Intel chip. Apple is a niche. Microsoft is distressingly omnipresent.

All this talk of hardware is related to the issue: Windows becoming the next MacOS. Apple’s hardware is closed: You can’t add cards or swap out drives or replace OEM parts with third-party hardware. All you can do is take whatever hardware Jobs decided to sell you. Microsoft’s software is becoming just as closed: You can’t fiddle with obscure options or configure your system for an idiosyncratic network. All you can do is take whatever software Gates decided to sell you. Hardware is just the next logical step in this path, because if you can’t configure your software to use odd hardware you’re locked in to whatever hardware MS decides to support. This hardware will not be cheap. As we have seen, this is a path to suicide.

That is one of the reasons I will not install WinXP. (The other is the product activation BS.) Instead of going with WinXP, I bought Red Hat Linux 7.1 (not an expensive purchase :)) and made my desktop a dual-boot machine with the preinstalled WinME. I’m not saying that Linux is at all appropriate for you, or that you will want to use it. I love it. I love its openness and its configurability. I can take the same disks and get the OS to install on an older desktop I have or a laptop or practically any PC I come across. I might not be able to use all of the bells and whistles (like the GUIs), but the functionality will be there. Linux is aggressively open (ref: The GPL) and it shows.

This post shamelessly borrowed from what I remember of multiple readings of Neal Stephenson’s masterpiece “In the Beginning was the Command Line.” The facts are somewhat dated (BeOS is actually dead (and bought by Palm, of all corporations) now, for example) but the concepts ring true.

The GNU General Public License (the GPL). The legal teeth behind Linux’s openness. Basically, it says you can use code protected under the GPL only if you allow everyone else the same freedoms you had (open copying and free access to source code). As I said, aggressively open. :slight_smile: