All right, this is going to be a pretty lame rant, but I thought this was the most appropriate forum.
The story goes a little something like this: I applied for a gov’t job (in law enforcement) about a year ago. I passed the tests, but wasn’t the highest ranking applicant. I got another job (which I loved) but lost in the state budget crunch. A little after a week after I got the final say on that, I got offered the initial job. The pay and benefits are great, so I thought, good timing, why not?
Unfortunately, I seem to have bitten off way more than I can chew. I realized that the job would be high-stress, but it didn’t bother me – I’m a low-strung individual in dealing with occupational stress (I don’t sweat deadlines or too much to do). However, while the job is of course stressful in that sense, it’s far worse on the human level. To put it bluntly, I can take on a lot, but I can be sensitive when criticized or otherwise called out personally. And, hoo boy, has that ever happened. Rather than being cooperative and helpful within the department, people are divisive. When dealing with the public, they are often rude, and are ruder behind the person’s back. They gossip and insult other people in the department when they aren’t there.
Now, I could deal with all of this (to a certain extent) even though it bothers me, except for the fact that there is a lot of animosity towards me, too. Most of the people there have been doing what they do for decades, and they just have no tolerance for me, who has never done this job before. This is particularly true of the people who directly supervise me. I am getting chewed out all the time! On the one hand, they told me to do what everyone else does; on the other, I get in trouble when I do so (and inadvertently commit a cardinal sin by hitting one of the supervisor’s pet peeves). For example, the other workers surf the Internet or play games when they have nothing to do. When I did the same thing, I was chewed out. I certainly understand the difference in policy for trainees, but the fact is that a) I was emulating other people as I was told and b) I really did have nothing to do! My trainer is still doing all of the work that she normally does along with training me on the side, and she simply does not have the time to teach me things when I am done with everything.
When I do something wrong – even in cases where I have been told to do the wrong thing, or emulated the wrong thing – the response is very hostile and belittling. We have constant evaluations, most of which seem poor, even though they have little to tell me to improve upon. The head of our department (who is the one who chews me out) is very hostile to me all of the time, and will not speak to me at all except when criticizing me.
What makes all of this worse is that I can’t stop screwing up, because even asking a question evokes this same response. At one point, I was working a shift with our supervisor when my trainer was sick. I asked a question about what to do about something that happened to be one of her pet peeves. Even though I did not actually DO anything, the fact that I asked caused her to badger me about NOT doing what I asked if I should or should not do, for the rest of that day AND the following day. No matter how many times I said that I understood and that I wouldn’t do it, she kept bringing it up – particularly in front of other people – that I had asked the question. What was especially frustrating is that it is something that other people do, and that I had seen, and that my supervisor (without me saying anything about this) questioned other people about this, and they denied it, and they, too, badgered me nastily. It was very belittling and upsetting.
I hate feeling like a screw-up. For every other job I’ve had, I’ve caught on very fast. I think I am for this one, too – other, less experienced people in the department have commented on it – but I am constantly in trouble nonetheless. My trainer is just too busy to really spend a lot of time with me, and my supervisor keeps asking her if she’s done things with me – and she hasn’t – and she says that she has, so that I get in trouble! I can’t go above her head, either, because of course said supervisor hates me! I’ve thought about going even over her head, but I genuinely fear what would happen when I did so and I don’t have any real, tangible things to say, anyway. The other people in my department have already lied when I tried to defend myself and I expect that I will find myself even more isolated should I try this.
I don’t know what to do about this. I am in training for over another month, and even after then (when I’ll be working at a different time than these people) I’ll still need to come to my supervisor if I ever want any time off, or for various other issues. I’m very intimidated by the situation, so much so that I’m almost too afraid to quit.
I’m trying to look for another job, but the going is slow and this job is so draining (stress, longer workweeks, plus a much bigger commute) that I can’t find the time as much as I would like. I’m a laid back person by nature, but I am constantly on the verge of shaking. I’ve found it difficult to sleep or concentrate on other things when away from work, and I dread going.
It’s a vicious cycle – I get so nervous around my superiors that I shake and nervously forget things, which in turn makes them more hostile. I just can’t stand being under this veil of constant criticism and disapproval, but neither can I instantaneously gain the decades of experience that I need to compete. Even when I feel that I have succeeded, it is not acknowledged. Even when I have done well and my trainer admits it, she will criticize me and not mention any of the good things to my supervisor.
Is there anything I can do to make this any better? I really am at my wit’s end. I miss my old job dearly, where they were very glad to have me. I would happily take a substantial pay cut to get out of here, but I don’t know if I can last until I find something, but I can’t really afford to just up and quit.
Can you not send the sick note in? (Excuse my lack of knowledge of your system.)