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  #1  
Old 07-18-2002, 09:36 PM
Laughing Lagomorph Laughing Lagomorph is offline
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Fondly remembered lines from Mad magazine movie spoofs

I haven't picked up Mad magazine since the Carter administration, but I still remember and get a chuckle out of some of the lines in their movie satires:

Star Wars:
Luke, to C3PO (Creepio) when they first meet: "Hey, has anyone ever told you you look like an Oscar?"
Creepio: "Well, take a good look, kid, because after your performance in this movie, this is as close as you are ever going to get"

Obi Wan, to Stormtrooper:"These aren't the droids you're looking for".
Stormtrooper:"These aren't the droids we're looking for"
Obi Wan:"He can go about his business"
Stormtrooper:"You can go about your business"
Luke:"That's incredible, Ben! How did you do that?"
Obi Wan:"The Force gives you power over weak minds"
Luke:"The Force gives me power over weak minds"
Obi Wan:"Keep driving"
Luke:" Keep driving"

Commander to Sentry, on Death Star:"Anything to report?"
Sentry:"Just two guys, a couple of robots, a 97 year old man, and a seven foot ape"
Commander:"OK, but if you see anything UNUSUAL let us know!"

Anyone remember any others, other movies?
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  #2  
Old 07-19-2002, 12:16 AM
SolGrundy SolGrundy is offline
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I always liked the old standby:

"This is just like what I did in my LAST movie!"
"What are you talking about? THIS is your LAST movie!"
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  #3  
Old 07-19-2002, 01:13 AM
GIGObuster GIGObuster is online now
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I am paraphrasing from the “Annie” movie parody:

ANNIE: “Leaping lizards!! Look at how realistic the movie sets are with all the poor people from the depression era!!

BUM: “Surprise kid!! We are real poor people from Reagan’s recession era!! The studio set is on the next block!”
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  #4  
Old 07-19-2002, 01:25 AM
Fern Forest Fern Forest is offline
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I remember they did a musical parody of "Star Wars" in the early 80s. I wish I could remember anything from it cause the songs really worked well and I sang the whole think out loud quite a few times. Sadly the only thing I can recall is
"Do you need a Han?"
"No thank you, I'll do it Solo."
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  #5  
Old 07-19-2002, 06:29 AM
PhillySteak PhillySteak is offline
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One of my favourites, and funnily enough it's also Star Wars; Return of the Jedi in this case.
Darth Vader visits the (not yet complete) Death Star, and the commander is giving him an update on the construction.

Commander: We've been working 14 hours a day, but the Death Star is not yet operational
Vader: Well, double your efforts.
Commander: You mean, work 28 hour days?
Vader: I'm a sadist, not a mathematician.

I love that last line, it still cracks me up!
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  #6  
Old 07-19-2002, 06:45 AM
CalMeacham CalMeacham is offline
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In the spoof of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ("One Cuckoo Flew Over the Rest"):

(After Watching Chief Bromden escape, having tossed the water thing through the window)"Hey, what are we getting excited about? The Chief was here voluntarily!" (Something that always did bother me about the story)

From 201 Minutes of Space Idiocy:

--What's for supper?
--A Glass of Potatoes, a Glass of Steak, a Glass of Pie, and a Glass of Ice Cream.
-- Nothing to Drink?
-- Yeah, a Piece of Coffee

....

---That Old Man in the Room! He's me! And he reveals something I never knew -- that one day, I'd acrually like creamed cauliflower!

From A Voyage to See What's on the Bottom:

--Look! The SeaPew is being eaten by a monstrous purple jellyfish!
-- Purple? Evidently a grape jellyfish!
--That was the most Horrible thing I've seen in my life!
--Evidently you missed Kim Novak in Moll Flanders


From Moroned

--I can see the Soviet astronaut coming over to our ship, but there's nothing in his hands!
--He must be bringing you Air!
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  #7  
Old 07-19-2002, 06:50 AM
Laughing Lagomorph Laughing Lagomorph is offline
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I remembered one from the spoof of Ralph Bashki's Lord of the Rings:

Sam, to Frodo, as Shelob attacks:"Oh, no! We're being attacked by a giant spider! What are we going to do?!"
Frodo (who has put on the Ring and disappeared):"Whaddya mean "we", Sam?"
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  #8  
Old 07-19-2002, 06:54 AM
Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor is offline
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Re: Fondly remembered lines from Mad magazine movie spoofs

Quote:
Originally posted by Laughing Lagomorph
I haven't picked up Mad magazine since the Carter administration,
Go here---
http://www.warnerbros.com/pages/madmagazine/index.jsp

enjoy.

The discount subscription code phrase might be in my sig line.
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  #9  
Old 07-19-2002, 08:32 AM
dantheman dantheman is offline
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[Note to Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor - did you mean to misspell "zeppelin" in your sig? ]

signed, the dude who's apparently into spellchecking sigs.
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  #10  
Old 07-19-2002, 08:55 AM
Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor is offline
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dantheman----

many thanks.

Now, get a haircut, you hippie!
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  #11  
Old 07-19-2002, 09:05 AM
dantheman dantheman is offline
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[Uh oh.... is he here in the office?]
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  #12  
Old 07-19-2002, 11:42 AM
astorian astorian is offline
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Their pardoy of "A Clockwork Orange" features one of the most hilarious lines ever... but it won't make sense out of context, and there's no way to explain the context without killing the joke. But for those who've seen it, remember the line...

"This is better than karate!"

*
In the "Marathon Man" parody...

Olivier: Is it safe?
Hoffman: Is WHAT safe?
Olivier: If I knew, would I be asking a 36 year old schmuck who's still in college?
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  #13  
Old 07-19-2002, 11:47 AM
kunilou kunilou is offline
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In the very old Star Trek parody "Star Blecchhh"

Mr. Spook: "Why Captain, I can't believe my ears!"

Captain Kook: "I can't believe your ears, either."

Rim shot, please.
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  #14  
Old 07-19-2002, 01:05 PM
Rhythmdvl Rhythmdvl is offline
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Sorry I can't remember the details (names, title...) but a line from Indiana Jones always stuck out. It is when Dr. Jones is about to climb down in the snake-filled room in Egypt.

"Can I give you a Han?"

"No, I think I'll do it Solo."

Cracked me up when I was 12, stuck with me ever since. Speaking of Cracked, is that still around? 'Round these parts it was the combination of Mad and Cracked (mind you we always knew that Cracked lived in Mad's shadow, but it was still required reading) that we looked forward to every month. Was it a regional thing, a short-lived thing, what?
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  #15  
Old 07-19-2002, 01:15 PM
Rhythmdvl Rhythmdvl is offline
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Sorry, should have taken a moment first.

Cracked.com

After poking through some of those links, I am beginning to think Jack Chick is a setup by Cracked. Similar colors, style of drawing, inane stupidity...
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  #16  
Old 07-19-2002, 01:19 PM
Ellen Cherry Ellen Cherry is offline
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I vividly remember a line from a Star Trek parody too. Kirk and Spock had returned to 20th century Earth (like so many episodes), and I suppose the gag for this edition was that they'd landed in a 1970s ghetto. Regarding Kirk, one of the hoods shouts, "kill the mother!" and Spock muses, "I was unaware the Captain had ever borne children." Cracks me up to this day.

I remember Cracked, but vaguely. It seems like Mad was a lot better.
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  #17  
Old 07-19-2002, 01:33 PM
Max Torque Max Torque is offline
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Hell, just the name "Chubby the Fatt" from the parody of Return of the Jedi cracked me up for about half an hour...."He can't see you now, he's eating." "Oh. When will he be done eating?" "Around June!"
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  #18  
Old 07-19-2002, 01:51 PM
jk1245 jk1245 is offline
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Anyone remember their "The Shining" parody? I think it was "The Shiner" (I think).

Anyway, Wendy is swinging away at Jack with the baseball bat and keeps missing. She says: "Great. Of all the bats in the world, I get stuck with a Marv Throneberry model"

Some years later, I found out who Marv Throneberry was (career .237 hitter, symbol of the hapless '62 Mets) and that joke came rushing back.

Then at the end after Jack has frozen in the maze Danny asks his mother how they are going to make it with Jack no longer supporting them:

Wendy: "It will be hard. You'll have to sell newspapers before and after school. I may have to sell my body"

Danny: "Gee, I'll feel funny making more money than you do"

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  #19  
Old 07-19-2002, 01:55 PM
jk1245 jk1245 is offline
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So did I get the point across that I only think it was called "The Shiner"?

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  #20  
Old 07-19-2002, 03:38 PM
Knowed Out Knowed Out is offline
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The Same Marathon Man parody, where Lawrence Olivier has Dustin Hoffman strapped down in the dentist chair, ready to go to work on his teeth.

LO: Careful, If I do this wrong, it could hurt a little bit.

DH: And if you do it right?

LO: Then it'll hurt a LOT! hee hee
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  #21  
Old 07-19-2002, 06:36 PM
RealityChuck RealityChuck is offline
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From Loused Up In Space (written by the genius of Mad Magazine parodies, Dick DeBartolo, and paraphrased a bit).

One Robinson or another: It so hot in here. We're burning up!
2nd Robinson: Can't we do something?
1st Robinson: No, there's nothing we can do.
3rd Robinson: Let's ask the robot
1st Robinson: What should we do (note this was done in rhyme, but I don't recall it).
Robot: why. . . . not . . . open . . . a . . . window.


Later, after a long explanation about how the death of Will and the Robots were only a wish fulfillment fantasy on the part of Dr. Smith:

Robinson. "You see, it's psychological."
Dr. Smith: It's also the cheapest cop-out in the history of TV.
Robinson: Oh? Do you remember last week's episode.
Dr. Smith: OK, it's the second cheapest cop out in the history of TV
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  #22  
Old 07-19-2002, 06:58 PM
Robot Arm Robot Arm is offline
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In their parody of Network, Howard Beale (or whatever they called him) has just been on TV ranting that the network he works for is about to be purchased by Arab businessmen. Two network executives are talking:

"Nobody was supposed to know about the Arab deal. Do you think it will still be approved?"
"That depends."
"Depends on what?"
"On whether 50 million Americans can keep a secret."

I think of that line whenever I hear any vast, complicated conspiracy theory.
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  #23  
Old 07-19-2002, 07:11 PM
Laughing Lagomorph Laughing Lagomorph is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ellen Cherry
I vividly remember a line from a Star Trek parody too. Kirk and Spock had returned to 20th century Earth (like so many episodes), and I suppose the gag for this edition was that they'd landed in a 1970s ghetto. Regarding Kirk, one of the hoods shouts, "kill the mother!" and Spock muses, "I was unaware the Captain had ever borne children." Cracks me up to this day...
I remember that scene and line too, although somehow I don't think it was from a Mad parody, I think it was a Star Trek spoof from another source, maybe fan fiction. No proof, though.
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  #24  
Old 07-19-2002, 07:45 PM
Booker57 Booker57 is offline
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Blue Eyed Kook

As Mama is in the back of the truck, surrounded by cartons of cigs.

Mama "Fluff up my mattress sonny, it's lumpy

Kook "It's not the mattress Ma, it's your lungs.
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  #25  
Old 07-19-2002, 07:55 PM
Sir Rhosis Sir Rhosis is offline
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Not sure if it ws "Mad" or not, but I recall a parody of the first Star Trek film. In the opening scenes of the film, a Klingon ship is destroyed by the V'Ger cloud. This was the first time we saw the ridge-forehead Klingons, and unlike later movies and shows, the ridges were all identical -- a roughly two-inch wide bony ridge from front to back.

In the parody, a Klingon Officer without a ridge stares at the Captain and says:

"Pardon me, sir, but is that a lobster on your forehead?"

Now, this is not really funny in a ha ha way, but just in an incongruous way. To me anyway. At age fifteen or so, I thouht it hilarious to walk up to strangers on the street and say that line just to see their reactions.

Also recall a Raiders of The Lost Ark parody in which the question is raised: If a hundred Arab natives are digging at the Well of Souls, silhouetted on a ridge by the setting sun, and singing in unison, why don't the Nazis hear them and see them since they're not far away.

The next panel shows Spielberg exhorting the Nazis: "LOOK THE OTHER WAY! LOOK THE OTHER WAY!"

Sir Rhosis
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  #26  
Old 07-19-2002, 09:36 PM
SolGrundy SolGrundy is offline
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From one of the Empire Strikes Back parodies:

"Luke... I am your father!"
"Dad wasn't black!"
"It's a mask, you idiot!"
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  #27  
Old 07-21-2002, 04:07 PM
K364 K364 is offline
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"Guess Who's Throwing Up Dinner"

Daughter brings home her new black boyfriend:

Mother: "I wonder what your Father will say?"
Daughter: "When he sees [insert black boyfriends name]
Mother: "No, when he sees me with my head in the oven"

Later the Father comes home:
Daughter: "Daddy, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend, [insert black boyfriends name]
Father (turns to mother): "Race you to the oven"
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  #28  
Old 07-21-2002, 05:12 PM
ShibbOleth ShibbOleth is offline
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(As the two 'droids wander across the barren Tattoine surface)

C3PO: Take my hand, Barstool, I'm a stranger in paradise.
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  #29  
Old 07-21-2002, 08:15 PM
Hail Ants Hail Ants is offline
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I think they did one long parody of all 5 Planet of the Apes films. In the one for the 4th one, Battle I think (the one with Ricardo Montalban) in the scene where Ceasar shouts, "Dirty human bastards!" they had him say, "Fascist pigs!". Then when they ask Montalban why they heard his ape talk he says, "Because THAT ape is a ventriloquist!"

In the parody for the Kung Fu series pilot the railroad bosses ask Kane what he can do and he says how he can split rails, bend iron, build bridges etc. Then when they ask the other guys they all say in unison, "We're gonna ride the railroad the chinaman builds!"

Later during a flashback with young Kane & master Po:

MP "Which is better, an orange or a battleship?"

K "An orange?"

MP "What?! Are you crazy? Do you know how much a battleship is worth? An orange is maybe half a yen!"

K "Um, then a battleship is better?

MP "Can you eat a battleship? Can you squeeze it and get juice?"

K "Master, I'm confused..."
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  #30  
Old 07-21-2002, 11:34 PM
Sublight Sublight is offline
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Also from The Shining. as Wendy and Danny are walking past Jack's frozen corpse:

"That reminds me, we're out of frozen ham."

From a Star Trek TV parody, after a rescued castaway is discovered to infected with a dangerous virus, Kirk is shoving him out an airlock while wolfing down a banana:

Spock: "Captain, are you trying to throw this man out?"
Kirk: "Of course not! How could you accuse me of such a cowardly act? He was supposed to slip out on this banana peel!"
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  #31  
Old 07-22-2002, 11:03 AM
Ellen Cherry Ellen Cherry is offline
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Lagomorph, regarding the Star Trek parody, I'm pretty sure it was Mad! I don't think I've ever knowingly read "fan fiction," but I could be wrong. I'd guess I was probably 12 (and, errumpf, I'm considerably older than that now).

Aside ... Maybe National Lampoon? But most of what I remember from that magazine was rather racier. (A story called "My Vagina" in particular won't leave my brain no matter how many bleach soakings. LOL)

I was reminded also of the Mad parody of Rocky ... I can't remember what they called it. Rocky is saying he just wants to "go the distance ... between here and Sidney, Australia."

Also Talia Shire is depicted as so shy she's got her head stuck in a birdcage. Wait a minute! She's not shy! She's just doing a low-cost hair frosting job. Yuk, yuk ... yuck!
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  #32  
Old 07-22-2002, 11:47 AM
Kilt-wearin' man Kilt-wearin' man is offline
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From MAD's parody of Star Trek II: (can't remember the "altered" character names...)

Kirk: (on intercom) Damage, Scotty?
Scotty: No thank ye, sir, we've got plenty already!

Also...(and heavily paraphrased)

Spock: If we knew their combination code, we could lower their shields...
Kirk: Preposterous! How would it be possible for one to...
Spock: Four-One-Two! Brilliant sir! Reliant is lowering her shields!
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  #33  
Old 07-22-2002, 01:31 PM
lurkernomore lurkernomore is offline
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I think Lago's is from a MAD article on newspaper articles/obits on fictional characters. The Future Captain Kirk was killed .....

I think the guy being pushed out the airlock (with Kirk's foot on his butt) was Cracked.
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  #34  
Old 07-22-2002, 02:15 PM
Knowed Out Knowed Out is offline
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THE ECCHORIST - The mother is talking to a panel of doctors about what could be wrong with her daughter, and they all make nonsense speculations. One says, "Sounds like Kropotnik's Disease to me." She asks "What's Kropotnik's Disease?" He replies "How should I know? Ask Kropotnik!"

The next guy says "You can ask me. I'm Kropotnik." She says, "OK, what's Kropotnik's disease?" He says "Don't ask."
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  #35  
Old 07-22-2002, 04:28 PM
cmkeller cmkeller is offline
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My favorites were from Mad's parody of Star Trek IV:

Kirk: Okay, we're now in the twentieth century, but we'll need some help. Uhura, go pick up some sailors.
Uhura: May I remind you that we're in San Francisco, Sir?
Kirk: Right. Sulu, go pick up some sailors.

(Later, when the Enterprise crew is about to leave, the whale-scientist girl begs Kirk to take her with him)
Kirk: Why? I'm sure there are plenty of eligible men for you to date in the twentieth century.
Girl: What, in San Francisco?

Finally, the kicker at the end was:

Spock: Unbelievable!
Kirk: Unbelievable that we went back in time, got two whales and saved Earth?
Spock: No, unbelievable that our entire time there was spent in San Francisco, and we only made two bad gay jokes.
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  #36  
Old 07-22-2002, 05:56 PM
jab1 jab1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by lurkernomore
I think the guy being pushed out the airlock (with Kirk's foot on his butt) was Cracked.
No, it was definitely in MAD. The alien looked like it was drawn by Don Martin (though Mort Drucker drew the parody).
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  #37  
Old 07-22-2002, 06:52 PM
Revtim Revtim is offline
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I concur, I just looked at it from my "Totally MAD" CD-ROM collection. I suppose Cracked might have made a similar gag, though.
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  #38  
Old 07-22-2002, 07:42 PM
Max Harvey Max Harvey is offline
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TOO MUCH SPARE TIME DEPT.
  • The guy being pushed out of the airlock is from "Star Blecch", issue 115, Dec 1967 (Drawn by Drucker, with uncredited art on the aliens by Martin).
  • "The Shiner" appeared in issue 221, Mar 1981.
  • Sir Rhosis is wrong about both of his quotes. Must have been (blecch) Cracked, or (double-blecch) Crazy.
  • "Raiders Of A Lost Art" (#228, Jan 1982) had the following dialogue, not "The Force And I" (#203, Dec 1978):
    "I'll descend...while you stand guard!"
    "Can't I come down and lend you a HAN'?"
    "I don't need a HAN'! I'll do it SOLO!"
    "HAN'...? SOLO...? That is the most shameless plug I've ever heard!"
  • "The Milking Of The Planet That Went Ape" (#157, Mar 1973) only parodied the first four movies (but the quotes are spot-on accurate).
  • From "Obituaries For TV Show Characters" (#194 Oct 1977):
    Space Hero James Kirk Dies In NY Mugging: "I recall one of the muggers shouting, 'Kill the mother,' which surprised me, as Captain Kirk, to my knowledge, had never bore children." Spock said.

SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONS
"Do you have Totally Mad?"
..."No, I memorized every issue for my bar mitzvah."
..."No, I'm the curator for the Mad Magazine wing of the Louvre."
..."No, I'm the love child of William Gaines and Rain Man."
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  #39  
Old 07-22-2002, 07:54 PM
Revtim Revtim is offline
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Here's some MAD trivia. For what non-MAD-related reason was William Gaines in National Geographic?
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  #40  
Old 07-22-2002, 08:54 PM
Never to be Queen Never to be Queen is offline
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There was this pardoy of "Jaws," written to be sung to numbers from "The Sound of Music." I think it was called "The Shark and I." One song stands out particular, though I won't quote it all here:

Jaws! A mouth, a great big mouth.
Teeth! Those things that kind of crunch.
Bite! The way sharks say hello.
Us!- His favorite quick lunch
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  #41  
Old 07-22-2002, 09:49 PM
Sublight Sublight is offline
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Gaines was in some Nat. Geo. article about either New York or the Statue of Liberty (the renovation project?). I remember a picture of him lodged in the arm of the statue trying to climb up a tiny ladder.
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  #42  
Old 07-23-2002, 07:46 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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"The Planet of the Apes"--When the Charlton Heston character gets his voice back, his first words are Let My People Go.
One ape to the other: Boy, he never forgets a catch phrase.
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  #43  
Old 07-23-2002, 08:40 AM
Revtim Revtim is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sublight
Gaines was in some Nat. Geo. article about either New York or the Statue of Liberty (the renovation project?). I remember a picture of him lodged in the arm of the statue trying to climb up a tiny ladder.
Yup, that's it. It was the Statue renovation, and he and his wife had a very large collection of Liberty statuettes.
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  #44  
Old 07-23-2002, 11:16 AM
Ellen Cherry Ellen Cherry is offline
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Quote:
From "Obituaries For TV Show Characters" (#194 Oct 1977):
Space Hero James Kirk Dies In NY Mugging: "I recall one of the
muggers shouting, 'Kill the mother,' which surprised me, as Captain
Kirk, to my knowledge, had never bore children." Spock said.
Yippee! It's fun when your memory is sort of accurate. And, I turned 14 the month that issue was published, so 12 was off the mark. But then, I frequently think I was younger than I was when recalling things from my childhood. At least I'm consistent.
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  #45  
Old 07-23-2002, 11:45 AM
Revtim Revtim is offline
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I remembered browsing through a MAD at a magazine stand, and seeing an article having to do with doggy-doo, and they had drawn link sausages in the place of dog turds. I would have guessed I was 11 or 12 when I saw the article.

A few years ago, I got the "Totally Mad" CD-ROM set, and found the article. I was shocked to see that it was printed when I was 6!!!!!

Or course, it is quite possible I was reading it from a "Super Special" or some such thing where they re-printed it years later.
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  #46  
Old 07-23-2002, 04:28 PM
Skywatcher Skywatcher is offline
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I have a Totally Mad box set on order via eBay. It'll be one of the first installs for my new computer. Lowbrow humor on a high-end computer.
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  #47  
Old 07-23-2002, 05:00 PM
Swampwolf Swampwolf is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by SolGrundy
From one of the Empire Strikes Back parodies:

"Luke... I am your father!"
"Dad wasn't black!"
"It's a mask, you idiot!"
And in the Jedi spoof, (don't it look funny when it isn't spelled
spoofe?) when Luke took off Vader's Helmet:

V: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?
L: Yeah. I'm glad I got my looks from my mother!
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  #48  
Old 07-23-2002, 09:34 PM
Laughing Lagomorph Laughing Lagomorph is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Kirk, the mother

Quote:
Originally posted by Max Harvey
TOO MUCH SPARE TIME DEPT.
  • From "Obituaries For TV Show Characters" (#194 Oct 1977):
    Space Hero James Kirk Dies In NY Mugging: "I recall one of the muggers shouting, 'Kill the mother,' which surprised me, as Captain Kirk, to my knowledge, had never bore children." Spock said.
Yeah, that sounds right. Not the Trek spoof itself, but a similar idea. Right time frame too. (I really was 12 that year!)
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  #49  
Old 07-24-2002, 12:29 AM
CrankyAsAnOldMan CrankyAsAnOldMan is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2000
I can only remember two: A Crock of Sh*t Now (which I didn't get since I was way too young to see the movie) and Grease. I remember the panel in Grease where they are at the drive-in and word is getting out that Rizzo might be pregnant. One guy says to the other "That's it, I'm leaving town" and the other said "The whole TOWN is leaving town!" You even see dogs running flat out, panicked.
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  #50  
Old 07-24-2002, 09:45 AM
Skywatcher Skywatcher is offline
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Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: Somewhere in the Potomac
Posts: 26,328
How about a TV spoof? The end of the Square Pegs spoof had the school getting a new principal, who turned out to be Mr. Kotter.
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