I know we would all love to be that perfect parent. Just the right level of strict with tons of loving compassion thrown in. And we’d always know just when to lay off and give the kid a break.
But let’s get real here. No one is perfect, especially when it comes to the infinitely complex and maddening task of raising children.
So, if you have to err one way or another, would you perfect to be a little stricter than necessary, or a little too lenient?
Strict- I am sick and tired of all the lousy parents out there that want to be their childs “friend”. Parents should be a little strict.
Many times the lenient parent is just a lazy parent that does not want to be bothered.
Not having actually parented yet (my first baby is due in less than a month) I’m going to have to go with strict. I remember very clearly thinking as a child that my parents were seriously over-protective and toe-the-lineish, and my childhood friends agree. I think now that their firm hand gave me a chance to develop within clear boundaries, but feel safe enough that they were paying a lot of attention to what I was doing.
But that is all theory. Perhaps when I comes to my own kids I’ll be the other way…Interesting to see what others who have personal experience will say.
Twiddle
I have kids age 3 and 5. One piece of advice: Follow through. If you tell your kids that you’ll punish them if they do or don’t do something you’ve told them about before, be prepared to do it instead of waffling and and saying “Okay, NEXT time you’ll be punished.” You need to live up to your word. Your kids might see this as a boundary that can be pushed a lot further than you are willing to let it go and before you know it you’ve encouraged bad behaviour by not nipping it in the bud.
Likewise, if you promise that you’ll take them somewhere or give them a special treat for obeying you, it’s best to produce than to put it off. A disappointed child is indeed a sad thing to see, especially when they put their trust in you that you will fulfill your promise.
Be firm but gentle. Of course, you need to be able to effectively communicate with your kids. An infant won’t know right from wrong. When you’re confident that your child knows what you are trying to get across is the time to be strict. Let them know that no means NO. No amount of pleading, crying, or temper tantrums will make their wish come true. In fact, it’s a good thing to try to discourage that tactic whenever it rears its ugly head. I can’t think of a single instance in my life that throwing a tantrum would get me what I wanted, so it’s best to let them know from a very early age that it doesn’t work.
Like Twiddle says, definitely pay attention to what your kids are doing. It often provides an easy opportunity to jump in and educate them on something and provide negative or positive feedback depending on the activity.
I would say you need to be lenient at times to let your child try new things out and strict when it comes to enforcing the rules on groundwork you’ve already laid.
I’m in the strict camp, too. A lot of people have suggested to me that I am too strict with my daughter (age 12) but I absolutely disagree. Now, mind, this child has been spanked exactly twice in her entire life - once for pulling her hand out of mine and running away from me in a parking lot almost right into the path of an oncoming car, and once for very nearly nailing the next door neighbor in the eyeball with a thrown rock. (By “spanked” I mean swatted once firmly on the rear-end, which both times was still diaper-encased.) But, I am strict. She is not allowed to watch 90% of prime-time television, she’s not allowed to see PG13 or R rated movies unless I have screened them first, she has a come-in curfew and a bedtime, and she is expected to do chores and maintain good grades.
I am with Horseflesh on the follow-through thing, too, and I think it is very important to be consistent with kids - BUT. This is the single hardest thing I have to do as a parent, and I will be the first to admit that I’ve blown it more times than I care to count, and that, in the interest of TRYING to be consistent, I’ve insisted on winning arguments with my child that I never should have started.
Gog grief, I don’t know. My parents managed to get a decent balance with out being either.
I guess too leinent. My mom always said that she would let us do anything that wasn’t morally or physicaly harmful. And she sounds like LifeOnWry, basically. (Though by 12 we did get to watch R rated movies, like Terminator and Die Hard. My mom, the beginning of my love for cheesy action flicks.)
Lots of freedom with the resonsibility such freedom comes with. (If you dress yourself, don’t cry when you walk out the door wearing plaids and polka dots.)
I have two boys-1 and 3. I always err on the strict side and I’ll tell you why. My wife and I have both taught school where we learned an important lesson. The lesson doesn’t have to do with parenting per se, but rather has to do with how you deal with kids-whether they are your own or somebody elses.
It is infinitely easier to start strict and become lenient later than vice versa. This works whether you are in the classroom or at home. I don’t consider myself a disciplinarian by any means, but the method one utilizes to establish the relationship sets the stage for how future transgressions will be perceived and handled. By setting the precedent, the child knows that the possibility is there.
And by strict, I only refer to certain behaviors. I don’t care how my 3 year old dresses, I don’t care if he paints himself and his brother (which he loves to do) with day-glo markers, I don’t care if he runs around outside naked, but I DO care about how he treats his brother, his mother and our pets;about how polite he is to friends, family and stangers; and I really care about what kind of person he is going to be.
Just popping in to see what kind of advice I’ll need when my kids get older. 
Thanks LifeOnWry, thats what I was trying to get at using too many words. Consistency. From both parents. I think it’s very important for the parents (if there are two) to agree on household rules for raising the kids.
I thought I might also add some observations about toddlers age 2-5. Potty training. For some kids this will be easy and others can take much, much longer. Bowel movements are the last thing your child has control over that you don’t. When a child realizes this they might think they have something on you. About the only thing I can say is that you simply have to out-wait them and not punish them. Eventually they’ll come around to the fact that this doesn’t faze you and move on to finding more creative ways to torture the kitty.
Hm. I’d say lenient, but then I’m not a parent…just a kid. Well seventeen. But personally, I’d rather have someone who wasn’t so…clingy. For lack of a better word. Then again, it does depend on the child. Some children need more boundaries than others. I was always a rather sensitive child…well, I still am, now that I’m all grown up. I don’t think I would have adapted well to a totally harsh dictator-esque parenting style. I suppose you have to adapt the way you parent to each child.
I think I’m slightly on the strict side. However, I don’t think being slightly on either side is going to negatively impact a kid much. It’s when you get into seriously strict (which I would call abusive) or massively lenient (which I would call neglectful) that you’re gonna have problems. Slightly to one side or the other is just a matter of parenting style. There are a lot of different ways to raise a kid and most ways work out all right in the long run.
Jess
In this day and age, I’d say it’d be better to be a little too strict.
Note I said “a little.”
In school I had these 2 friends, they were identical twins. Their parents were wildly strict, I’m talking WAY unreasonable here. As you can guess, they rebelled, still ARE rebelling, and are doing things now that would kill their parents if they knew. If Mom and Dad had just lightened up a bit, maybe their daughters wouldn’t be doing the things they’re doing.
I would note that my mother was extremely lenient with me and I was a pretty straightlaced kid. I never had a curfew: but then I wasn’t allowed to go out with my friends who had cars on the weekends, so about the only time I stayed out really late was for church stuff. She told me once that if I ever wanted to smoke pot, she’d get me a joint (she said she’d rather get one from a trusted source than me get it from some nutty dealer). I never took her up on the offer.
I pretty much had nothing to rebel AGAINST.
Having reared the Perfect Child[sup]TM[/sup] for nearly 17 years, I have come to the conclusion that consistency is the most important thing. We’ve given her a lot of freedom, but she knows if she exceeds her limits, she risks losing car keys, privileges, and pretty much anything that matters to her. Had she been a less responsible kid, she wouldn’t have gotten to do the things she’s done. From the time she was able to understand, we’ve given her chances to prove herself and earn additional freedoms, and it’s gotten to the point that we’re comfortable letting her stay home alone for a week.
She’s never been spanked - “time-out” worked for her in her early days and grounding as she got older. Honestly, I can’t remember the last time we had to get on her about something (beyond not scooping doggie-doo in a timely manner) I hesitate to post this as the other shoe will surely fall, but what the heck - I laugh at danger!!
But I do agree with strict rather than lenient. It’s better to be able to yield later rather than try to rein in.
I saw an example of this just today at the pool and remembered this thread from this morning and knew I had to reply.
There seems to be a style of parenting lately that I call the “Please and Thank You Style” of parenting. Parents ask their kids “please” and say “thank you” for the kids to do things that should just be expected of them.
While I was at the pool today, a woman was there with her little boy; he was maybe 2. He picked up a plastic sand bucket and whacked his mom on the head with it. She just calmly said, “Trevor, sweetie, please don’t hit Mommy in the head with the bucket. Please put it down. Thank you, sweetie.” It was all said in this sing-song, sugary-sweet voice that made me sick.
As soon as she turned around, he picked it up and whacked her again. She repeated, “Trevor, honey, I told you, please don’t hit Mommy in the head with the bucket. Please put it down. Thank you, sweetie.”
It continued several times. I was just dumbfounded.
IMHO, situations like this call for a much stricter approach. She should have whacked his diaper-covered bottom once, and told him sternly that he DOES NOT hit people in the head with the bucket, taken the bucket away, and given him a 1-2 minute time-out.
I see it all the time, parents asking their kids, “please” do this or “please” do that, when it’s things they should be doing anyway. I don’t understand the concept of thanking your child for behavior that should be expected.
There’s never any yelling. The parents never seem to raise their voices. Not that constant yelling is good, but there are times when you need to be stern.
I’ve been at the pool a lot with my kids this summer, so I’ve seen many examples of it there.
“Please don’t hit your sister.”
“Thank you for not hitting your brother.”
“Please finish your lunch. Thank you for eating all of your lunch.”
“Please wear your sandals on the gravel parking lot.”
“Thank you for washing your hands before lunch.”
It’s just amazing.
A few weeks ago I was going into the mall and a mom was coming out, and I heard her say to her young child, “Thank you for keeping your shoes on in the mall this time.” It was in that same sing-songy, too-sweet voice.
I was thinking, “WTF?!?” He gets thanked for keeping his shoes on? Isn’t keeping your shoes on in the mall just expected behavior? My kids would have understood that they kept their shoes on or they wouldn’t get to go the next time.
When does it stop?
“Thank you for breathing in and out all day.” ?
Sorry, I’m just rambling a bit…
I use please and thank you all the time with my kids. It seems to be just basic courtesy. It teaches them that if you ask someone to do something, you say please, and if they help you, you say thank you.
However, if Baby Babe I (age 5 1/3 (the 1/3 is very important)) has to be asked a second time to do something, I still say please usually, but the voice is much sterner. She knows that if I have to ask a 3rd time, she’s in trouble. I find that saying please when I want her to do something, even when I’m kind of frustrated goes a long way to keep me from raising my voice to much, which I have a tendency to do.
I agree with the too strict consensus. It also allows you to be the hero when you change your mind.
Strict, consistantly with respect going both to and from both parents and children.
IANAP, but I know you are supposed to praise them for what they do right, and not just criticize or complain when they do wrong. “Dylan, I’m glad you [whatever]. Good job!” or something like that.
I do say please and thank you to my child (as well as excuse me and I’m sorry), but I am familiar with the type of parent who pleases-and-thank-yous a kid to the point of ridiculousness.
Actually, the worst bit of parenting I have ever personally witnessed was when a friend’s 60-pound 4-year-old child punched her in the stomach. She did nothing. When I told her that she should not allow him to hit her, she replied that he was angry, he had every right to express his anger, and since he didn’t have “words” yet to express his anger appropriately, it was OK with her if he hit her. OK… up to a point I get that, at least in principle, but I’m thinking that allowing him to hit her and then doing NOTHING wasn’t exactly going to TEACH him to express his anger appropriately. Even saying to him, “Now, Justin, you can’t hit Mommy. I know you’re angry at me, but that hurts and it’s not nice and we need to think of a better way for you to tell me you’re angry” would have been a little on the sicky-sweet side for me, but it would have been better than NOTHING!
Hmm. I would suggest letting your child know why you are doing what you do whenever possible. I know that life became much easier between my folks and me when I ran across their stash of parenting books.
This is more than a basic common courtesy thing. Hey, I’m all for manners and common courtesy.
This seems to be a new thing.
It’s just weird. I’m a teacher, and I see a lot of parents doing it lately.
As LifeOnWry pointed out, it goes to a point of ridiculousness.
The example I mentioned, the kid hitting his mom, was really strange. The kid hits his mom and just gets sweetly told, “Please don’t hit mommy” and “Thank you for not hitting mommy” ?
He needs to be told sternly, “Don’t do that!”
He kept hitting her. If she had sternly told him to stop, and taken the bucket away, and perhaps given him a 2-minute time-out, he would have learned a lesson.
None of this “please” and “thank you” crap.