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  #101  
Old 10-21-2002, 11:48 AM
Threadkiller Threadkiller is offline
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Sauron: the Toroidaly Enhanced
by James Finn Garner (author of Politically Correct Bedtime Stories)

"I have come," Frodo said. But I choose to do what I came to do. I will not cast the ring into the fire. Don't you realize Sam, that destroying the ring would render several beings non-viable? Not only is this tantamount to the loathsome death penalty, but this judgement would have been rendered without any judicial due process."

Later at the war crimes trial (set up with a representative base of all the beings of middle-earth and being fundamentally limited in punitive powers) it is realized that Sauron was really a victim. His transgressions concerning the rings of power were a direct result of the shameful treatment he had received as a convicted lieutenant of Melkor. As there was never a proper recovery program put into place, his further rebellion was judged to be an attention-getting device or even a classic cry for help.

With proper counseling and the support of his peers, Sauron eventually developed into a productive member of the middle-earth community. In his later days he was famed for selfless generosity and his self-effacing midsummer's eve parties. The one ring (not that there was any thing inherently better about this ring, it's just that everyone was so used to the name that it was never given another title) was donated to the community for the better good. A rota was developed whereby anyone so desiring could have a turn wielding it.

Aragorn never did get over the "Rightful King of Gondor" hang-up. No amount of discussion on the "Need for Democratically Elected Government" or the "Rights of the Individual," however well reasoned, could persuade him that he didn't have the right to be a dictator of the masses and a law only unto himself. Eventually, he was reduced to ranting on a low-grade lecture circuit and was an object of pity by all.

Arwen broke off the engagement with Aragorn once she realized how inflexible he had become about the whole enlightenment business. After a discreet fling with the Mouth of Sauron, she devoted her life to gender equality issues among dwarfish womyn.
__________________
The opinions expressed in the above post are strictly the author's and do not necessarily reflect those of the New Zealand Dairy Board, The Symbionese Liberation Army, or the Ministry of Silly Walks.
  #102  
Old 10-23-2002, 08:46 AM
Sebhal Sebhal is offline
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Threadkiller, that's great! I loved the legalese one too. Great work Dopers, any more suggestions?
  #103  
Old 10-24-2002, 09:49 AM
Fingolfin Fingolfin is offline
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Must........keep......thread.......alive.......


Nigel Marvin

Hello, I’m Nigel Marvin your correspondent today for ‘Nigel’s Wild Wild World™’. And today we are really thick about it now, we are trying to bring in the notoriously deadly Nazgûl tonight. We are actually getting desperate today, the condition and the visible level was good yesterday, I don’t know what’s going on here. But we did not see one deadly Nazgûl. They’re actually being very allusive. But maybe with the help of our top cameramen, Hank Didntjaseeit, we will finally be able to film them.

We have brought in a ‘Nazgûl Expert’ to help us in the Myth of the creatures. And their favorite locations, foods, habits and activities and even some history. Meet Joe Snickeryberger, and even with all his help it, doesn’t seem to help much, since conditions are perfect and still no sign of the Nazgûl. We are actually filming in an area that is not highly populated, so that we can see the creature in all its glory and put on a ‘true’ performance.

I believe the natives of the area call it, Amon Sûl or WeatherTop. Which is located at the southern end of the Weather Hills. Joe tells us these are ancient hills that were once crowned with a huge tower that was built by one of the natives called Elendil. He says the Nazgûl are mostly ‘Night faring creatures’ about the shape of a man, but much more deadly. They stalk in packs, and appear to be on the Endangered Species List. If that’s good or bad, we don’t know for sure. Joe says their history dates back thousands of years, to a lunatic of a man that wanted ‘special pets’ he corrupted them in a way. Talk about a warped Dr. Moreau! That is if you believe ancient myth.

We should count are blessings. A few days before we came out here, October the 3rd, there was a freak natural occurrence that was pretty close to WeatherTop. It appeared that lightening was coming from the ground up. We only hope that it didn’t scare off the Nazgûl. That would really put a damper on our documentary. Are sponsors would have blown a gasket.

We will be right back though!

-break to commercial-

It is now October 6th, and its our second day of nothing. But are spirits have not failed us yet. Joe believes that the Nazgûl will be around here. The natives say ‘Black Creatures are following their prey’ around this area. So hopefully we didn’t lug out all this camera equipment for nothing. Were going to do a double check to make sure everything is set-up properly, since its mid-afternoon we don’t suspect we will see any Nazgûl.

-A few hours Pass, while the camera only records round after round of ‘Thumb-Wars’ between Joe and Nigel.-

Well, it’s Nigel again, and it appears that a few travelers have come this way, and heading up towards the Hill. A weather-beaten man, and four small children. The natives call these ‘Hobbits’. Joe thinks the name is translated to ‘Hairy footed short people’ in their native tongue. It appears they have made camp on the hill, and are telling campfire stories. While we do believe in ‘Invasion of Privacy’ we will not report back to you exactly what they’re talking about. They appear to be spooked though.

- The cold increases as darkness comes on. The sky above has cleared again and is slowly filling in with twinkling stars.-

-Silence-

- The waxing moon has climbed slowly above the hill that overshadowed them, and the stars above the hill-top faded-

Its me, Nigel, again. And I think we have something this time. If you look very closer, you will see 3 or 4 black shaped Men looking down on the travelers on the hill, just outside of the light of the fire. Even from here, we can tell their appearance is commanding and indeed scary. The sure do have the travelers spooked, that’s for sure! Whoa, what a minute! Can you hear that?

-Silence-

- A faint hiss as of venomous breath and a thin piercing chill is felt and heard throughout the area-

Yes, folks, Joe confirms that these are the deadly Nazgûl, and that their trademark ‘hiss, screech’ can not be mistaken. This is remarkable! On, no, wait right there. It appears the Nazgûl are approaching on the travelers. I take that back, there are five tall figures! Two standing on the lip of the dell, three advancing. I can almost make out their faces. Whoaaaa, it looks like on their white faces, their eyes burn with a inner fuel! Wait, here they come, they are springing on one of the Hobbits! Remember that we always let Nature take its course, it is not our place to interfere and disrupt the balance.

-You can hear Joe chant, ‘Go Hobbit Go’. And Nigel hitting him in the back of the head.-

It appears that the hobbit as disappeared! What a defence mechanism, it appears he can burrow. It doesn’t seem that the Nazgûl are tricked though! What, a minute, it appears it has worked. It seems the Nazgûl are retreating. Well, that was quite an experience. We have finally filmed the Nazgûl in their natural habitat. Isn’t that right Hank?

-Silence-

-Break too commercial-


  #104  
Old 10-24-2002, 10:47 AM
Go alien Go alien is offline
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Frodo Irwin's Dangerous Creatures of Middle Earth

G’day folks, I’m Frodo Irwin. I’m here to tell you about my trip to see Middle Earth’s Most Dangerous Creatures.

The first bit of dangerous wildlife I saw was Old Man Willow. Me and me mates were near to loosing it here with the Shire’s most dangerous tree. No problem though, some local abo called Tom came along and got us out of the woods.

Then me and me mates met some Nazgools. Pretty scary buggers they were too. Even though they let you get close, they don’t like being handled. Our abo guide, Aragorn, told me to be careful. In fact one bit me, I must have been a bit rough with it. Anyway, the Nazgool poison was sucked out by an old abo cousin of Aragorn’s called Elrond. Me and me mates stayed at his place while I got back on me feet. Nice guy, we shared a few tinnies and I got to know another old geezer called Gandalf. He told us that a Balrog lived in a cave nearby. They are near the top of Middle Earth’s Most Dangerous Creatures list and this one wasn’t too far away.

Bonzer! I had to see if I could get close to one of those. Me and me mates got some abos together as porters and went off with Gandalf and Aragorn. We found the cave OK, but some sort of snake in a local pool had a go at me. No problem though, the locals got me away. Now you know why I always employ native guides. Anyway, we found the Balrog. It was a big bugger. Even Gandalf was impressed. He said he’d never seen one as big before. It was a bit stroppy, so Gandalf stayed behind to make sure it calmed down while Aragorn guided us out of the cave.

We stayed a for a bit at the Lorien Riverside Hotel and Resort. Best tucker in Middle Earth. Did a bit of tree climbing and fishing and nearly scored with the hotel’s owner. She was a tasty Sheila but a bit tall for me.

Aragorn had arranged a white water canoeing trip so we went off. Not much in the way of Dangerous Creatures but a nice boat trip. No barramundi though, so the barbies weren’t as good as the ones we had back in Queensland.

Me and me best mate Sam decided to split after the canoeing. I hired another local, Gollum, who reckoned he knew where Middle Earth’s biggest spider lived. Double bonzer! The spider must be one of Middle Earth’s Most Dangerous Creatures. So we went of alone, with only the cameraman and producer. I even had to do me own sound checks! We did a bit of swamp crossing and mountain climbing and came to the hole of Shelob. I went straight in and saw the spider. It was as big as Gollum promised. I poked it with a stick to see if it was awake and it bit me. Bit of a mistake there and me mate Sam had to kill it. Shame that. Anyway, I soon got better and with Sam and Gollum, we talked about where to go next. The producer had heard that Middle Earth’s biggest volcano was nearby. Not a creature but worth a decko. Anyway, Gollum knew the way and took us there. Strewth it was big bugger, lots of fire and stuff. I noticed that Gollum had been eyeing my signet ring. Before I could stop him he grabbed it and bugger me if he didn’t bite my finger off! Strewth! I pushed the little runt away and he fell down a crack in the mountain. Never saw him again, don’t want to either. Anyway, me mate Sam put a plaster on me finger’s stump and we went back.

So, here I am, ready to get the next ship out of Middle Earth. Me best mate Sam has decided to stay, he’s got off with one of the locals but the tasty Sheila from the Lorien Hotel and Resort is coming with me. It’s a long boat trip and I bet I can find a ladder…
  #105  
Old 10-24-2002, 11:20 AM
Michael Ellis Michael Ellis is offline
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The wheels are starting to come off...
  #106  
Old 10-24-2002, 01:03 PM
Shalmanese Shalmanese is offline
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Re: Frodo Irwin's Dangerous Creatures of Middle Earth

Quote:
Originally posted by Go alien
G’day folks, I’m Frodo Irwin. I’m here to tell you about my trip to see Middle Earth’s Most Dangerous Creatures.

The first bit of dangerous wildlife I saw was Old Man Willow. Me and me mates were near to loosing it here with the Shire’s most dangerous tree. No problem though, some local abo called Tom came along and got us out of the woods.

Then me and me mates met some Nazgools. Pretty scary buggers they were too. Even though they let you get close, they don’t like being handled. Our abo guide, Aragorn, told me to be careful. In fact one bit me, I must have been a bit rough with it. Anyway, the Nazgool poison was sucked out by an old abo cousin of Aragorn’s called Elrond. Me and me mates stayed at his place while I got back on me feet. Nice guy, we shared a few tinnies and I got to know another old geezer called Gandalf. He told us that a Balrog lived in a cave nearby. They are near the top of Middle Earth’s Most Dangerous Creatures list and this one wasn’t too far away.

Bonzer! I had to see if I could get close to one of those. Me and me mates got some abos together as porters and went off with Gandalf and Aragorn. We found the cave OK, but some sort of snake in a local pool had a go at me. No problem though, the locals got me away. Now you know why I always employ native guides. Anyway, we found the Balrog. It was a big bugger. Even Gandalf was impressed. He said he’d never seen one as big before. It was a bit stroppy, so Gandalf stayed behind to make sure it calmed down while Aragorn guided us out of the cave.

We stayed a for a bit at the Lorien Riverside Hotel and Resort. Best tucker in Middle Earth. Did a bit of tree climbing and fishing and nearly scored with the hotel’s owner. She was a tasty Sheila but a bit tall for me.

Aragorn had arranged a white water canoeing trip so we went off. Not much in the way of Dangerous Creatures but a nice boat trip. No barramundi though, so the barbies weren’t as good as the ones we had back in Queensland.

Me and me best mate Sam decided to split after the canoeing. I hired another local, Gollum, who reckoned he knew where Middle Earth’s biggest spider lived. Double bonzer! The spider must be one of Middle Earth’s Most Dangerous Creatures. So we went of alone, with only the cameraman and producer. I even had to do me own sound checks! We did a bit of swamp crossing and mountain climbing and came to the hole of Shelob. I went straight in and saw the spider. It was as big as Gollum promised. I poked it with a stick to see if it was awake and it bit me. Bit of a mistake there and me mate Sam had to kill it. Shame that. Anyway, I soon got better and with Sam and Gollum, we talked about where to go next. The producer had heard that Middle Earth’s biggest volcano was nearby. Not a creature but worth a decko. Anyway, Gollum knew the way and took us there. Strewth it was big bugger, lots of fire and stuff. I noticed that Gollum had been eyeing my signet ring. Before I could stop him he grabbed it and bugger me if he didn’t bite my finger off! Strewth! I pushed the little runt away and he fell down a crack in the mountain. Never saw him again, don’t want to either. Anyway, me mate Sam put a plaster on me finger’s stump and we went back.

So, here I am, ready to get the next ship out of Middle Earth. Me best mate Sam has decided to stay, he’s got off with one of the locals but the tasty Sheila from the Lorien Hotel and Resort is coming with me. It’s a long boat trip and I bet I can find a ladder…
ROFL!!!
  #107  
Old 10-24-2002, 07:21 PM
Lear's_fool Lear's_fool is offline
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Frank Miller anyone
  #108  
Old 10-24-2002, 08:58 PM
tracer tracer is offline
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I can't believe no one's done an A. A. Milne version yet!



Frodo Baggins lives by himself in a hobbit hole in Hundred Acre Shire under the name of Underhill. It means he had the name over the door in gold letters, and lived under it....
  #109  
Old 10-25-2002, 08:00 AM
FriarTed FriarTed is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Eegba
Suprised someone else hasn't come up with this one:



"What's it going to be then, eh?"

There was me, that is Frodo, and my three droogs, that is Merry, Pippin, and Sam, Sam being really dim, and we sat in the Prancing Pony making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winter bastard...




That's all I've got today. Someone with more talent can continue it.

I'll go for it.....

Conclusion of Part 3, Chapter 6, with influences from the Kubrick film....

The West Havens it was and we set sail, oh my Brothers - and as we sailed Your Friend and Humble Narrator, feeling all oogly with a tremendous pain in the gulliver and ring-stump went out for a bit of spatchka.

And there she was in Heavensent and lusciouss glory, totally unclad and horrorshow groodies bouncing at me as she pushed me down and did the old in-out on me in all her Elven fury- and as Lady Galadriel creeched the Wondrous Ninth of Ludwig Van I saw it all again- smelly-welly Gollum-Wollum biting me Ring-finger off and plummeting down down down as I kicked him in the
yarbles. The Ring was gone, Sauron offed, and
Lady G spinning herself and me to ecstasy in a final roaring crescendo.

I was cured all right.


Chapter 7 published in the US 23 years later-

Opening-

"What's it going to be then, eh?"

There was me Your Humble Narrator- and my three droogs, that is Biblo, Gandalf and Elrond....

(Samwise comes in, tells of his wife and family,
Frodo thinks of the wife & kids he missed out on but wonders if he could start again in the West Havens...)

And my son would find a Ring also, and go on a quest, and at the final moment he would probably
falter and need his own Gollum to bite it off
and so free his Middle-Earth from whatever Dark Lord then threatens and it would itty on like some great bolshy chelloveck engineered by Eru Illuvatar Himself... and so I go to seek a mate and do the old in-out and father me a itty-bit of a baby... I was like growing up, O my Brothers, but if you will, remember thy little Frodo that was. Amen. And all that cal.
  #110  
Old 10-25-2002, 03:07 PM
TwungTister TwungTister is offline
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Suggestion: LOTR a` la
V.C. Andrews? The Amityville series? Ursula Le Guin? Or - I just had a horrible thought - Jean M. Auel!
No, a George Alec Effinger rendition would make much lighter reading.
  #111  
Old 10-25-2002, 03:28 PM
Kantalooppi Kantalooppi is offline
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Oooo, someone has to do Harry Turtledove.
  #112  
Old 10-25-2002, 06:09 PM
Weird_AL_Einstein Weird_AL_Einstein is offline
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How about Steven King? I understand he is a fan of the original...
  #113  
Old 10-25-2002, 09:10 PM
Hoops Hoops is offline
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OK, Stephen King it is.

----------



Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

--William Blake



Come on, baby, light my fire

--The Doors






1. Gandalf Takes A Fall



Standing there, in the dark, Frodo Baggins reckoned he knew a lot about fear. He had begun to find out about it after The Party (and everyone said it that way, The Party, so you could hear the capital letters), when he had been come into possession of a certain ring, a very precious one, oh yes friends and neighbors.

And when he became aware that there really were shambling dark riders that came a-hunting Hobbits--that they were real, not just stories told by firelight to scare young Hobbits in their dark holes, why, then, fear had become his constant companion, closer even than Sam. Sam, who stood beside him in the dark with the others as the sound of distant drums echoed crazily through the caverns, sounding for all the world like a demented rock and roll band.

But now, here in Moria, the true measure of fear was upon him and he felt it like the icy breath of a barrow-wight on the nape of his neck, obscenely familiar.

Even Gandalf was scared, you could see it in the whiteness of his knuckles as he gripped his staff. And if Gandalf was scared, then you could be pretty fucking sure that some bad shit was going to go down. Because Gandalf was their leader. He bound the Fellowship together with his friendship and his firm voice (only hadn't he said something once about stuttering as a kid?) and yet here he was with that look in his eyes that said, Jesus Christ.




Jesus Christ, thought Gandalf. It's here, isn't it? Here. He could feel its presence, some malign thing. It wouldn't be long now. He could sense the

(balrog)

creature rising slowly from the slime of the pit, then more steadily. Then it was coming fast.

Then it came.

It was a ravening beast, manlike, deep flaming blackness (and were there wings or not? Gandalf thought crazily) and then it was upon him with its whip and flame and fear. He met it with all his power and as it struggle with him, he felt the bridge begin to give underneath them, and he had time to yell "Fly, you fools," and think, oh shit, and then he was gone.

Into the dark.
  #114  
Old 10-26-2002, 03:52 AM
Ranchoth Ranchoth is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Kantalooppi
Oooo, someone has to do Harry Turtledove.
Would that be Between the Towers, or Middle-Earth War: Striking the Ring?
  #115  
Old 10-26-2002, 03:56 AM
Diem Diem is offline
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If...

If Jordan had wrote wrote it... it would be 10 books long, and yet unfished with each release becoming slower, and possible death e're its ending
  #116  
Old 10-26-2002, 08:42 AM
Tristan Tristan is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hoops
Something fecking brilliant!


Good Lord Hoops.... I've been reading both Needful Things and Wizard and Glass, and you've got it down pat. Way To Go!!
  #117  
Old 10-26-2002, 03:19 PM
Clark K Clark K is offline
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Dear Abby:

Please help! I’m so turned-around I don’t know what to do with myself, and it’s all because of a squabble over a family heirloom.

My dear old uncle gave me a simple golden ring some years back, and I’ve treasured it for sentimental reasons. But now other people have shown up claiming that they own the ring! The worst is this nasty man (I’ll call him “Ron.”) who doesn’t even live around here. He’s from Mordor, wherever that is. He’s sent several collection agents to claim the ring, and I get the feeling they might even resort to violence! (Although, to be fair, they haven’t made any specific threats. They just sniff and hiss.) They got to be so annoying that just for some peace and quiet and went on a short vacation with a few friends.

Then, just as soon as I get to the B&B, I find out everybody in Eriador is gossiping about this ring _ dwarves, elves, even this raggedy old man who goes around butting into other people’s affairs and claiming to be a wizard. Of all the nerve! They tell me another fellow wants the ring, too. Some grubby, little man with an Irish name. Collum, I believe it was.

And here’s the topper, Abby: All these supposed “friends” are telling me to just throw the ring away! That’s right. They say I should walk halfway across Middle Earth and throw the ring into some crack just to keep Ron and Collum from getting it. Sounds to me like cutting off my finger to spite my hand.

What should I do?

Signed,
Bewildered at Bag-End.

Dear Bewildered:

I say your nosy friends deserve 20 lashes with a wet balrog’s whip! Who are they to tell you what to do with your precious ring. But Ron does sound persistent. Just to settle matters, I suggest you trade the ring to him for a few barrels of pipe-weed and a reeking dwimmerlaik. What harm could it do?
  #118  
Old 10-27-2002, 02:17 AM
danielsangeo danielsangeo is offline
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Fellowship of the Ring, as written by a Lamer

Fellowship of the Ring
As written by a Lamer:

there was this big fight and this big guy lost his hand and exploded and stuff this guy took the ring and lost it and the ring got into gandalfs hand and gave it to froddo so froddo took teh ring and went a hole buncha places like this wierd area were theese big black guys in capes atakked him and stabed him with a sord wich made him get real sick and stuff and had to be cured by thees gay peeps with big ears and stuff and kicked froddo out of the town which relly sucked and all becuz he had to go with the drwarf underground and gandalf died and froddo went to this volcayno where he had to destory the ring next up part 2 teh towers!!!!1
  #119  
Old 10-27-2002, 03:18 AM
Fish Fish is offline
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I have laughed more at this one thread than I have laughed at anything in months!

But still, I cannot believe that nobody has done this one yet.


------------


The difficulty in selecting material in which the reading public might show interest, the problem as a chronicler has been choosing those adventures which most brilliantly illustrate the deep knowledge and remarkable talents shown by my illustrious friend, Frodo Baggins of 221B Bag End.

I find, according to my notes, that it was a Wednesday in September in '19, that I chanced to be sitting in the parlour reading the Red Book of Westmarch while Baggins, in one of his odd humors, handled a large and battered felt hat. After some time, he tossed it over to me.

"Well, Gamgee," said he, gravely. "Here is the consequence of our ramble across the Water into Buckland yesterday. We have spent an instructive afternoon investigating my new digs in Crickhollow, but in our absence have missed a caller. An agitated one, I should say: in his haste he has left behind this most excellent hat."

"It is a pity we missed him," said I, examining it. "There is no way of knowing who it might have been. He left no calling-card?"

"I feel sure when the gentleman returns we shall have no difficulty in identifying him," Baggins said airily. "Can you not find any indications as to his identity?"

I knew my companion's methods and I did my best to imitate them. "It is a large hat," I ventured.

"Indeed, that is the most telling point of the matter," said Baggins. "Note the wide brim and exceptionally large and pointed crown. Such a hat would not fit you or I. The man who wore this hat must be at least four ells, if I am not mistaken, much into the manufacture of fireworks, well-travelled, gray-haired, and carries a well-worn wooden staff."

"My dear Baggins!" I cried. "It is quite beyond belief! I believe you are some kind of wizard!"

"Not I, Gamgee," said Baggins, peering through the curtains of the bowed window. "But unless I am much mistaken, there is one upon our doorstep to retrieve his hat."

Billy the page let in the visitor, who stood in the hall of Bag End, all in a gray cloak. He seemed to me as a large weathered aspen, tall and wizened with the weight of years, and had a craggy, lined face. He peered down at us with a desperate, haunted gaze, as one with a story of such horror and grotesquerie that I thrilled to imagine it.

"Have a seat, dear sir," said Baggins, gesturing with a pipe toward the basket chair. "This is my gardener, Dr. Gamgee, before whom you may speak as to me."

"My name is Gandalf," said the visitor, with a slight look of apprehension in my direction. "I am one of the four Istari, and I am at my wits' end, Mr. Baggins! I only hope you might help me with a devilish problem! It is quite beyond me or my order, so I come at last to you for the answer I must have."

"Istari?" said I, with a look at Baggins.

His eyes half-lidded, Baggins nodded. "One of the wizards who came to Middle-Earth in the year 1000 of the Third Age," he murmured. "You will find it filed under G in my pigeon-holes. Pray continue, Gandalf."

"Well, sir," Gandalf went on hurriedly, "I have been searching for a lost heirloom of magic which vanished on the Gladden Fields after the battle on the plains of Dargorlad. It is a ring, a small one, but one which my order is seeking. We know it was carried by the last King of Gondor, the heir Isildur, but I believe after that it has simply vanished from Middle-Earth! I am quite beside myself, Mr. Baggins, and you are my only hope. Can you help me?"

Baggins steepled his fingers together, his eyes closed. "Can you describe the Ring?"

"It is a plain gold band, without ornament whatsoever," said our mysterious visitor. "It is quite an ordinary ring, but of great sentimental value. I should be most appreciative if you could shed any light on my little problem."

"Of course," said Baggins. "Do you have any further information that might be of use in this investigation, however trifling?"

Gandalf hesitated. "It may be of no consequence."

Baggins opened his eyes. "It is upon the observation of details that the practise of genius relies," said he, sententiously.

"I may have overheard someone in connexion with the Ring," said the stranger, "give the name Shire. I decided to come to you at once."

"I see," said Baggins. "And was this informant an ancient Stoor perhaps two ells in height, with lanky hair and a bedraggled countenance?"

"Yes, that would be the very same," said the visitor, excited. "I see you are the very man who can solve my problem!"

"Quite," said Baggins. "I believe I can have this minor detail brought to a successful conclusion in a few days. Call again in two days and I'm sure I shall have your answer. And pray this time do not forget your hat."

"Thank you, Mr. Baggins," said our visitor, clutching the hat to his chest, and when he had been shown the door, Baggins sat down again at the deal-topped table, his brow clouded.

"Devilry, Gamgee!" was all he said.

In a quarter of an hour he rose to his feet and reached for his jacket. "Have you your service revolver, Gamgee?" said he.

"I have a stout walking-stick," I replied, meekly. "This is Middle-Earth, not London. Firearms have yet to be invented."

"A walking stick is just as well," said Baggins. "We shall have to make a little tramp through Hobbiton--perhaps as far as Rivendell. I suspect it may be dangerous, old man, so if you do not feel up to the challenge of such a journey--"

My stubborn streak reasserted itself. "I'm game," said I.

"Good hobbit," said Baggins, and his grey eyes flashed. "I'm afraid I cannot tell you more about this case at present, but our mysterious visitor was not the wizard Gandalf, but a clever disguise."

"Good gracious!" said I. "But how can you be certain?"

"Our visitor's hairs were white, as you must have observed, not gray," Baggins said. "In addition, he made a fatal mistake when he spoke of the four Istari, for in truth there are five wizards. I do not know what has become of the real Gandalf, if that is so, but we have no time to lose."

"Surely, Baggins," I said, and my spine tingled with horror. "You don't believe that Gandalf is a prisoner!"

"It is a capital mistake to theorise without data, Gamgee," Baggins said. "But allow me to summon a hack, and let us make first for Bree, where a little something nutritious from Butterbur's would not be out of order."


"The Fellowship of the Ring" as written by A.C. Doyle

FISH
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  #120  
Old 10-27-2002, 03:34 AM
Fish Fish is offline
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I have laughed more at this one thread than I have laughed at anything in months!

But still, I cannot believe that nobody has done this one yet.


------------


The difficulty in selecting material in which the reading public might show interest, the problem as a chronicler has been choosing those adventures which most brilliantly illustrate the deep knowledge and remarkable talents shown by my illustrious friend, Frodo Baggins of 221B Bag End.

I find, according to my notes, that it was a Wednesday in September in '19, that I chanced to be sitting in the parlour reading the Red Book of Westmarch while Baggins, in one of his odd humors, handled a large and battered felt hat. After some time, he tossed it over to me.

"Well, Gamgee," said he, gravely. "Here is the consequence of our ramble across the Water into Buckland yesterday. We have spent an instructive afternoon investigating my new digs in Crickhollow, but in our absence have missed a caller. An agitated one, I should say: in his haste he has left behind this most excellent hat."

"It is a pity we missed him," said I, examining it. "There is no way of knowing who it might have been. He left no calling-card?"

"I feel sure when the gentleman returns we shall have no difficulty in identifying him," Baggins said airily. "Can you not find any indications as to his identity?"

I knew my companion's methods and I did my best to imitate them. "It is a large hat," I ventured.

"Indeed, that is the most telling point of the matter," said Baggins. "Note the wide brim and exceptionally large and pointed crown. Such a hat would not fit you or I. The man who wore this hat must be at least four ells, if I am not mistaken, much into the manufacture of fireworks, well-travelled, gray-haired, and carries a well-worn wooden staff."

"My dear Baggins!" I cried. "It is quite beyond belief! I believe you are some kind of wizard!"

"Not I, Gamgee," said Baggins, peering through the curtains of the bowed window. "But unless I am much mistaken, there is one upon our doorstep to retrieve his hat."

Billy the page let in the visitor, who stood in the hall of Bag End, all in a gray cloak. He seemed to me as a large weathered aspen, tall and wizened with the weight of years, and had a craggy, lined face. He peered down at us with a desperate, haunted gaze, as one with a story of such horror and grotesquerie that I thrilled to imagine it.

"Have a seat, dear sir," said Baggins, gesturing with a pipe toward the basket chair. "This is my gardener, Dr. Gamgee, before whom you may speak as to me."

"My name is Gandalf," said the visitor, with a slight look of apprehension in my direction. "I am one of the four Istari, and I am at my wits' end, Mr. Baggins! I only hope you might help me with a devilish problem! It is quite beyond me or my order, so I come at last to you for the answer I must have."

"Istari?" said I, with a look at Baggins.

His eyes half-lidded, Baggins nodded. "One of the wizards who came to Middle-Earth in the year 1000 of the Third Age," he murmured. "You will find it filed under G in my pigeon-holes. Pray continue, Gandalf."

"Well, sir," Gandalf went on hurriedly, "I have been searching for a lost heirloom of magic which vanished on the Gladden Fields after the battle on the plains of Dargorlad. It is a ring, a small one, but one which my order is seeking. We know it was carried by the last King of Gondor, the heir Isildur, but I believe after that it has simply vanished from Middle-Earth! I am quite beside myself, Mr. Baggins, and you are my only hope. Can you help me?"

Baggins steepled his fingers together, his eyes closed. "Can you describe the Ring?"

"It is a plain gold band, without ornament whatsoever," said our mysterious visitor. "It is quite an ordinary ring, but of great sentimental value. I should be most appreciative if you could shed any light on my little problem."

"Of course," said Baggins. "Do you have any further information that might be of use in this investigation, however trifling?"

Gandalf hesitated. "It may be of no consequence."

Baggins opened his eyes. "It is upon the observation of details that the practise of genius relies," said he, sententiously.

"I may have overheard someone in connexion with the Ring," said the stranger, "give the name Shire. I decided to come to you at once."

"I see," said Baggins. "And was this informant an ancient Stoor perhaps two ells in height, with lanky hair and a bedraggled countenance?"

"Yes, that would be the very same," said the visitor, excited. "I see you are the very man who can solve my problem!"

"Quite," said Baggins. "I believe I can have this minor detail brought to a successful conclusion in a few days. Call again in two days and I'm sure I shall have your answer. And pray this time do not forget your hat."

"Thank you, Mr. Baggins," said our visitor, clutching the hat to his chest, and when he had been shown the door, Baggins sat down again at the deal-topped table, his brow clouded.

"Devilry, Gamgee!" was all he said.

In a quarter of an hour he rose to his feet and reached for his jacket. "Have you your service revolver, Gamgee?" said he.

"I have a stout walking-stick," I replied, meekly. "This is Middle-Earth, not London. Firearms have yet to be invented."

"A walking stick is just as well," said Baggins. "We shall have to make a little tramp through Hobbiton--perhaps as far as Rivendell. I suspect it may be dangerous, old man, so if you do not feel up to the challenge of such a journey--"

My stubborn streak reasserted itself. "I'm game," said I.

"Good hobbit," said Baggins, and his grey eyes flashed. "I'm afraid I cannot tell you more about this case at present, but our mysterious visitor was not the wizard Gandalf, but a clever disguise."

"Good gracious!" said I. "But how can you be certain?"

"Our visitor's hairs were white, as you must have observed, not gray," Baggins said. "In addition, he made a fatal mistake when he spoke of the four Istari, for in truth there are five wizards. I do not know what has become of the real Gandalf, if that is so, but we have no time to lose."

"Surely, Baggins," I said, and my spine tingled with horror. "You don't believe that Gandalf is a prisoner!"

"It is a capital mistake to theorise without data, Gamgee," Baggins said. "But allow me to summon a hack, and let us make first for Bree, where a little something nutritious from Butterbur's would not be out of order."


"The Fellowship of the Ring" as written by A.C. Doyle

FISH
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  #121  
Old 10-27-2002, 11:42 AM
Hoops Hoops is offline
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Excellent, Fish, especially the firearms bit!
  #122  
Old 10-27-2002, 01:45 PM
Fish Fish is offline
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After writing the A.C. Doyle last night, the following style occurred to me. Some of you may recognize bits and pieces of "The Ballad of the Republic" (commonly known as "Casey at the Bat"). If you haven't read "The Two Towers," then what follows may come as a surprise.


-------------


The Ballad of the Two Towers

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Fellowship nine that day,
The Uruk-hai had ambushed them, though many did they slay.
And then when Boromir confessed he’d tried to seize the Ring,
A sickly silence fell upon the heir of Gondor’s king.

The Elf and Dwarf and Man sought out the Orcs afoot. The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the hobbit breast;
They thought if only Frodo could but get to Orodruin,
We’d put up even money Barad-dur would fall in ruin.

But marsh obstructed Frodo as did also Emyn Muil,
And the former was a mire and the latter was a hill,
So across the stricken landscape did they strike in winter’s gloom,
For there seemed no chance of Frodo’s getting to the Cracks of Doom.

But Gollum guided Frodo, to the wonderment of all,
And Sam the sturdy hobbit never let his master fall.
And though the gates were closed before the plain Ephel Duath,
The hobbits ventured further south to fair Osgiliath.

Then from 5,000 throats and more there rose a lusty hoom;
It rumbled through the forest, it rattled in the coombe;
It knocked upon Zirak-Zigil and echoed on the sward;
For Fangorn and his Ents had arrived at Isengard.

There was ease in Fangorn’s manner as he strode into his place;
There was pride in Fangorn’s bearing and a frown on Fangorn’s face.
And then, responding to the years of Saruman’s treacheries,
The Ents destroyed the castle with the strength of mighty trees.

Ten thousand orcs attacked the ancient fastness of Helm’s Deep;
A thousand men defended from the walls of rocky keep.
Then while the writhing multitudes of Orcs assailed the breach,
Defiance gleamed in Strider’s eye as he surveyed them each.

And now the armor-covered goblins paused to look him on,
As Aragorn stood watching for the changes of the dawn.
Below the wall the goblins jeered and asked the Ranger "Why?
We do not stop for dawn, we are the fighting Uruk-hai!"

From the army of the goblins there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the waves on a stern and distant shore.
For Erkenbrand and Gandalf saved the day at first cockcrow,
And the Uruk-hai were driven from the lands of Dunharrow.

With a glow of blazing ivory great Gandalf’s visage shone;
He rode to visit Orthanc with the leaders of Rohan;
He parleyed with the wizard, but Saruman tried lies;
"Your staff is broken," Gandalf said, and cast him from the Wise.

"You truant!" cried the maddened Dwarf, and spied the wayward pair:
The Hobbits captured by the Orcs near shade of Tol Brandir.
Forty leagues and five the trio chased, but then forsook--
Yet here were Merry Brandybuck and foolish Pippin Took.

The fight is gone from Saruman, his teeth still cleched in hate;
He throws out his palantir and he broods upon his fate.
And Gandalf rides with Pippin to the Tower of the Guard,
And Rohan musters forces, and Gondor battles hard.

Oh, somewhere here in Middle-Earth the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
But up in Cirith Ungol, up in the Spider’s Pass,
There is no joy for Frodo; he’s been poisoned in the neck.


FISH
  #123  
Old 10-27-2002, 02:13 PM
Homer J Homer J is offline
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Wow, look we're nearly at the spooky haunted 'Mount Doom'

Merry - Hey look its my uncle

Uncle - Hi kids, im glad your here, theres rumours that the old spooky ghost of 'Sauron' is roaming the hills

Sam and Ben the pony - Sauron, like yikes

Frodo - sounds to me like a mystery to be solved
Pippin and Merry - YEAh

Frodo - look a clue, hmm a blue pointy hat, i wonder whose it is

Gandalf - i think you'll find thats mine little hobbit

Hobbits - Wow hi Gandalf, what are you doing here

Gandalf - oh erm, well i heard about Sauron, so i came to help *looks about shiftily*

Ben and Sam - Say gandalf have you got any lembas snacks?

Gandalf - dont you two think of anything else?!

Merry - look whats that?

Frodo - looks like Sauron, hey and where did Gandalf go? Sauron must have taken him, thats the only possible explanation.

Frodo - have a look at this gang, and old map to the most expensive plots in mordor, all recently sold to one Uncle Took.

Merry - but why would my uncle want plots in Mordor? - it doesn;lt make sense ..... Uncle why are you buying plots in mordor?

Uncle - erm, well to help out a friend

Merry - if your really my uncle, whats your real name?

Uncle - ermm, ahhh rumbled

Frodo - get him

HOBBITS POUNCE ON FAKE UNCLE AND TIE HIM UP

Frodo - now to see who you really are

REMOVES MASK

Everyone - WHY ITS GANDALF

Gandalf - i would have gotten away with it as well if it wasn;t for you meddling hobbits!!!!

Frodo - you see Gandalf made up the mystery about Sauron to scare everyone off, then he arranged for us to come here so we could confirm the mystery, but really he had disposed of Sauron and was turning Mordor in to prime real estate with waterfrontage on the Isen.

Merry - hey wheres ben and Sam

Sam and Ben - well we might as well eat the farmer maggots crop now! --sam - wise - ga- GEEE


A tribute to the brilliance of Scooby Doo - sorry guys that really wasn;t that good, but i least i tried.
  #124  
Old 10-27-2002, 04:04 PM
ITR champion ITR champion is offline
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Frodo had been born in the Shire. His uncle, Bilbo, was half a Baggins, and his idea of a good joke was to forget to tell people that he was also half Took. "I'm just an ordinary guy who enjoys smoking my pipe and going on short hiking trips", he would declare, and then he would interrupt his second breakfreast to run off an help a band a dwarves recover their treasure from an evil dragon. "I'm a staid, boring person who enjoys tea-time with friends", he would state, moments before vanishing into thin air during his 111th birthday party. Afterwards, when Bilbo had left for Rivendell, he had promised to put all of his affairs in order so that Frodo wouldn't have any troublesome problems to deal with, and had then given Frodo the One Ring of Power.

Growing up in the Shire, Frodo had always had trouble drawing attention to himself. Some Hobbits live lives of endless tea-parties and gardening and others see to have those lives thrust upon them. With Frodo, it had been both. Overshadowed by his more famous uncle, nobody ever seemed to take any interest in him.

And that was the state of his life when the Wizard Gandalf showed up in the Shire. "I'm looking for somebody who's brave enough and strong enough to take the One Ring to Mt. Doom in the center of Sauron's Kingdom and cast it into the fire", Gandalf said.

"Well, I'm just a small Hobbit who's never gone on a quest or done anything like that", Frodo replied.

"In that case, it would be a lot easier for you to hide from the Nazgul and other enemy spies. You're just the right person for the job."

And that was how Frodo was chosen to be the Ringbearer.

-Joseph Heller
  #125  
Old 10-27-2002, 04:55 PM
SolGrundy SolGrundy is offline
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Hoops -- terrific job with the Stephen King. (balrog) -- tee hee.

from Encyclopedia Baggins and the Case of the Purloined Palantir by Donald J. Sobol

"...you'll go by the name Underhill, and meet me at the Prancing Pony in Bree."

Sam looked frightened. "Won't you be coming with us, Mr. Gandalf? We're not supposed to leave Hobbitville on our own."

Mr. Gandalf shook his head. "No, I have to visit Mr. Saruman over at Isengard. He said that he's seen orc uprisings around Isengard and Helm's Deep, and even legions of orcs making preparations around Minas Morgul! There've even been troops coming up from the south, so you might even get to see an Oliphant, Sam!"

"An Oliphant! That'd be swell!"

Mr. Gandalf smiled, but looked more grave as he went on. "We'll need to warn the people of Minas Tirith that an attack may be iminent, and he'll know best what to do. You boys remember to travel only and night and avoid the main roads. And whatever you do, don't hitch-hike. It's very dangerous!"

Mr. Gandalf gathered his staff and hat, then headed towards the door. Suddenly, Frodo "Encyclopedia" Baggins stood. "I'd wait to take that trip to Isengard, Mr. Gandalf. At least, not until you've arranged for a rescue from your friends the giant eagles."

"But why?"

"Because I believe Mr. Saruman is a traitor, working for Mr. Sauron himself! He'll capture you and hold you atop the tower while he builds an army of Uruk-Hai to fight for his new master, pursuing you into the mines of Moria where you'll have to battle to the death with a Balrog, then sending those armies to battle the humans, elves, and dwarves at Helm's Deep and then the Field of Cormallen until Sam and I can take the Ring to Mount Doom where we'll be betrayed by Gollum who'll destroy the Ring and Sauron's power once and for all, at least until we return here to Hobbitville and find it under Mr. Saruman's evil grip and have to defeat him ourselves and then journey to the west with you and Galadriel and Elrond and Bilbo."

How did Encyclopedia Baggins know?

Mr. Gandalf sat with Mr. Aragorn and Mr. Baggins and the boys in the dining hall of Rivendell, enjoying the last of a great feast. "I hate to think what would've happened if I had gone off to meet with Mr. Saruman! But I must know, Frodo -- how did you know he'd turned traitor?"

"I began to suspect when you kept talking about Radagast -- I mean, Mr. Brown -- when nobody else has ever seen or heard of him. But what settled it was Mr. Saruman's words himself! How would he know that Oliphants are amassing around Minas Morgul unless he'd seen them himself? Oliphants only live in the southern regions!"

Mr. Gandalf smiled as the truth dawned on him. "I see! So the only way he would've known would be to have seen it himself, and the only way to see it is through a palantir! Great detective work, Frodo!"

Sam shook his head. "Well, I'll go without seeing an Oliphant if it means I can have more of this terrific food! I'm having seconds!"
  #126  
Old 10-28-2002, 09:25 AM
Gyrate Gyrate is offline
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What, no link for the myriad Monty Python versions?
  #127  
Old 10-28-2002, 03:41 PM
gonzoron gonzoron is offline
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Hamsters ate this last week and I haven't had the heart to type it again since then, but here goes:

Last week on Fellowship Island: The seemingly unshakable Hobbit Alliance sealed the fate of bossy Gandalf at the Elven Council. Voted out 7-2, the wily wizard was thrown off the Bridge of Khazad Dhum with a Balrog.

Stay tuned for the excitement this week...

Frodo: I think it's clear we have to vote for Gimli. He's been shirking his share of the chores, and I don't think he's ever fished before, no matter what he claims.

Sam: I'm with Master Frodo. I think the Dwarf's got it in for you, Pippin. He's got the elf on a short leash, but we may be able to swing the Men to us.

Pippen: Drat, if only I didn't already have that vote against me from Fatty Bolger, even a tie would be ok.

Merry: Shhh!! here comes Elf-boy.

Legolas: Greetings my friends... I just wanted to let you know that it may be in your best interest to vote for Boromir. I've seen him looking rather greedily at the Immunity Ring. Gimli and I are thinking he's too strong to keep around. Again, just letting you know...

<later>

Saruman: "That's 2 votes Pippin, 4 votes Boromir.... The next vote is: Boromir. Boromir, the Fellowship has spoken. Kill him, my fighting Uruk-hai!"

Next week: The surviving members of the fellowship are split into three tribes and sent to seperate campsites in the south. How will they react in close quarters when tensions run high?
  #128  
Old 10-28-2002, 04:41 PM
Fingolfin Fingolfin is offline
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[wipes coffee from monitor]

*ahem*

Edgar Allan Poe

And now was acknowledged the presence of the Dark Lord. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the Eldar and the Free Folk in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the White Tree went out with that of the last of the Free. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Will of Sauron held illimitable dominion over all.
  #129  
Old 10-31-2002, 06:20 AM
Go alien Go alien is offline
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The Nano Ring, by Peter F. Hamilton

Frodo had inherited the device. It was the original SR001 model, made in the technomagical laboratory of Sauron Industries, and the most powerful of the nano rings. Earlier models, such as the HR009’s and DR007’s had been built by the combined team of Sauron Industries and Celebrimbor Research. CR had gone on to make the ER003’s, with an in-built genetic pattern matching capability limiting their effectiveness to Elves and minor demi-gods. Unfortunately, CR had used sub-molecular patternform techniques developed by Sauron Industries, little realising that these had trapdoors, designed by SI patternform programmers, that allowed later nano rings, such as the SR001, to assume command and control functions. Even so, these devices were powerful and much sought after by specialists and while the SR001 was lost and inoperative, the ER003’s were much used.

Gandalf was a Maiar combat operative, or Istari, with specialist mini-people knowledge and enhanced firepower capabilities. When he discovered what Frodo had, he sent Frodo and a support team of dietary consumption specialists (a.k.a. “hobbits”) to take the SR001 to the remote mountain magical-industrial complex of Rivendell Life Sciences, where the Elvish researchers working for Elrond, chief executive and main stockholder in Rivendell Life Sciences, would develop a policy for dealing with it. Gandalf would travel separately, relying on his personal bio-transport unit, Shadowfax, to get him there.

Frodo and hobbits encountered a number of Sauron Industries’ biomagical weapon systems on the way. Some, like the mutant lignin life form living in the Old Forest, were very early models, dating back to SI’s predecessors MorgothCorp and Angmar Biomagic. Others were SI’s own creations. Deadliest were the Nearly Autonomous Zoö-Genetically Upgraded Lifeforms, or NAZGULs. These were sentient biomagical constructs, based on human DNA, equipped with visible and IR radiation detectors, as well as…

<many pages of design specifications for NAZGULs, ORCs (Opponent Repression Construct), WARGs (Wolf, Augmented Rideable Grade) and other Middle Earth creatures later…>

… “Damn,” said Aragorn, as he examined Frodo’s wound. “Looks like you’ve been infected by a synthetic virus of some sort.”
“What do you mean?” asked Frodo. “He stabbed me with a dagger and the point broke.”
“Yes, but the dagger was just the insertion device. The tip was designed to break off and infect you with the virus.”

Aragorn checked his diagnostic kit’s readouts. The kit recognised the virus but since it was so old, a Gondor SX004a, standard issue to Gondoran squaddies three hundred years ago, Aragorn knew it could only delay, not cure the infection. Frodo’s life signs did not look good – raised heart and respiration rates, low blood glycogen levels, fluctuating core body temperature – suggesting the virus was acting quickly.

“It’s a mutated retrovirus, developed by Sauron Industries from earlier MorgothCorp models,” Aragorn told Frodo. “Basically, the virus re-writes the genetic code in cells of the hypothalamus, making you more susceptible to external suggestions.”…

<… the reader yawned. The technobabble was getting to him. If there were too many descriptions of exotic, imaginary gadgets and the book would be closed, for good…>

… Elrond, CEO of Rivendell Life Sciences made the keynote speech at the conference. He presented the basic options open to the opponents of SI’s plan for corporate dominance. Input from Gandalf and the RLS special projects team contributed to the final plan.

Frodo would go to Mordor, SI’s technology park and use the powerful Orodruin geothermal furnace to destroy the SR001. Frodo accepted the mission. A combat team would escort him. It consisted of Aragorn, special forces operatives seconded from Gondor, Erebor and Mirkwood and the dietary consumption specialists. Gandalf would be OC with Aragorn as his XO.

Frodo was given a suit of KDC308v combat armour. The suit, developed by the now defunct Khazad Dynamics armament works, was made out of MITHRIL (Micro Injected Titanium High Resistance Integrated Links). It was one of Middle Earth’s best pieces of kit. He was also given a Standard Target Identification Neo-Glaive or STING personal weapon, with special circuitry to detect any system showing Sauron Industries’ technomagic signature.

Aragorn had his own personal weapon, an ANDURIL (Anti Nano DNA …

<… the reader jerked awake. Shame, he thought, once he had gathered his thoughts. Nice plot but the mock technology was getting in the way. He closed the book and looked for something else to read…>
  #130  
Old 11-05-2002, 12:43 AM
BlackKnight BlackKnight is offline
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An excerpt from Samuel Beckett's, "Waiting for Frodo"

Sam: Come on, let's leave this place.
Merry: We can't.
Sam: Why not?
Merry: We're waiting for Frodo.
Sam: Ah! (Pause) You're sure it was here?
Merry: What?
Sam: That we were to wait.
Merry: He said by the tree. (They look at the tree.) Are there any others?
Sam: No, they were all torn down by Saruman. What is it?
Merry: I don't know. An Ent.
Sam: I don't see any leaves.
Merry: It must be dead.
  #131  
Old 11-05-2002, 11:49 AM
gonzoron gonzoron is offline
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HAH! I love the beckett one... The thread lives again...
  #132  
Old 11-05-2002, 12:33 PM
Super Gnat Super Gnat is offline
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H. P. Lovecraft, anyone?
  #133  
Old 11-05-2002, 01:33 PM
Michael Ellis Michael Ellis is offline
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Lovecraft' s been done. Check the first page.
  #134  
Old 11-05-2002, 03:14 PM
jayjay jayjay is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Super Gnat
H. P. Lovecraft, anyone?
See? I toldja nobody reads my posts!
  #135  
Old 11-05-2002, 03:33 PM
Greywolf73 Greywolf73 is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Laughing Lagomorph
A Walk in the Woods: Rediscovering Middle Earth on the Eastward Trail (by Bill Bryson):
"What did you get rid of?" I asked, trying not to betray too much alarm.
"Heavy f*cking sh*t, that's what! The rope, the pots and pans, the little box from Galadriel, I don't know what all. F*ck!"

"The food from Farmir?"
"Flung"
"The water bottle?"
"Flung"
"The lembas?"
"Flung far!"

This was begining to sound a trifle grave...
Oh dear God! I nearly hurt myself laughing at this one!! Bwahahaha!!

I have laughed so long and hard at this thread that I am starting to scare the kids.
  #136  
Old 11-05-2002, 04:30 PM
ecs05norway ecs05norway is offline
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The Sergeant's Voice

Hmmm, let's see.....

I went into an 'obbit-'ouse to try to soothe me fear
The 'obbit 'e stood up an' said "'ave you brought fireworks 'ere?"
The boys out in the yard they laught and giggled fit t'die
I outs into the street again an' to myself sez I,

Oh, it's fireworks this and fireworks that an' "Wizard, go away",
But it's "Thank you Mister Gandalf" when the orcs come out to play
The orcs are come to play, my boys, the orcs have come to play
And it's "Thank you, Mister Gandalf" when the Nazgul come to play.

From "The Wizard and the Hobbit", by Rudyard Kipling.
  #137  
Old 11-06-2002, 07:23 AM
NardoPolo NardoPolo is offline
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I'm unworthy! These are all so great.

But that never stopped me before:

Ray: Ha! We're back, you're listening to Ring Talk with us, Rick and Rack the Tappit Brothers, and we're here to discuss Rings, Ring Destruction, and-uh the answer to last week's puzzler.

Tom: I can hardly wait. (guffaw)

Ray: This one was given to us by Bilbo Baggins from Bag-End. After running from a dragon and being cornered by an ugly weirdo in a wet cave: What have I got in my pocket?

Tom: I have to say, this is one of the most Bo-o-o-o-gus puzzlers you've ever given.

Ray: Oh, hush up. The answer is this: a ring of power. Do we have any winners?

Tom: Oddly enough, we had over 144 entries by some fellow named Smeagol, but not one had the right answer. So no one wins the $10 gift certificate from Rings Dot Com.

Ray: Well, that's a first. But I guess it had to happen eventually.


Tom: Hey - do you know what time it is?

Ray: Time to change the air filters in our Uruk-Hai odor purifier?

Tom: No, it's time to play, Stump the Chumps! (weird music) This is the part of the show when we dig up a caller from a previous show to find our if our advice was wonderous, blunderous

Ray: Or scandalous. Who is our lucky player today?

Tom: Frodo Baggins from Bag-End. His problem seemed to be that his Ring wasn't starting reliably. Perhaps you remember:

(flashback music)

Frodo: And so when the wraiths cornered me on Weathertop, I put the Ring on, expecting to become invisible. But for some reason, they had no problem finding me and one even stabbed me with his poisoned sword.

Tom: What model is this again?

Ray: He already said, it's a Chrysler 1600 One-Ring. Weren't you listening?

Tom: Oh, yeah. By the way, was your name spelled with an "oh" or a "u"?

Ray: We already asked him that part too! Where have you been?

Tom: Out getting doughnuts, actually. Do you want one?

Ray: Oh for heaven's sake. Um, has it ever hesitated for you before?

Frodo: No, never.

Ray: Do you know anything about the previous owners?

Frodo: Well, my cousin Bilbo gave it to me, but before that he says it was owned by a little man named Gollum who ate fish all the time.

Tom: Fish! I knew it. Is the ring damp when you first start it up in the morning?

Frodo: Why, yes, yes it is!

Ray: Aw, no, you're done for.

Frodo: Why? What does that mean?

Ray: Well, these older models may have had very powerful engines, but they were susceptible to flooding. It's likely that this Gollum character didn't care and wore the ring fishing.

Tom: Or just as likely found the ring in the bottom of the river!

Ray: (chuckle) yeah, right. And when it started to work against him, he passed it on to your unsuspecting cousin, who pawned it off on you.

Tom: You know, you could just put up with the problem.

Ray: Yeah, right. I'm sure Mr. Frodo has better things to do than to put up with this. Plus, as time goes on, as you use it more and more, you're likely to fade away and become a wraith yourself! (HaHaHa!)

Tom: Which also has the benefit that you won't have to pay for your beer anymore.

[end flashback music]

Ray: So, what advice did we give to poor Frodo?

Tom: We advised him to sell it to some unsuspecting chump for the first gold coin he could find. Because the only honest thing would be to toss it into the lava of Mount Doom.

Ray: OK, Frodo, are you on the line?

Frodo: Yes.

Tom: Now, before you answer, we need to confirm that we haven't spoken since your last appearance on Ring Talk.

Ray: And that the answer you're about to give has not been influenced by our staff, the staff of NPR, or that brilliant "Light of Galadriel" charm that we sent to you.

Frodo: No, of course not.

Ray: So, did you sell the ring?

Frodo: Well, I took your advice more seriously than you may have thought. Because you mentioned that in good conscience I couldn't sell the ring to anyone else, knowing that it was cursed. So I decided to take it to Mount Doom to throw into the lava.

Tom: Get outa town!

Frodo: Absolutely. And it's been quite the trip so far. My best friend Sam and I met up with the previous owner, and have been working our way into Mordor.

Ray: Well I'll be. (fanfare music to indicate a correct answer)

Frodo: So you guys do give good ring advice...

Ray: Which you very wisely ignored. Good luck to ya, Frodo.
  #138  
Old 11-07-2002, 01:01 PM
dogbert dogbert is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hello Again
If it was written by Robert Jordan it would be 10 books long.

::coughhackcough::
...and the Balrog would be brought back...and we'd still be no closer to the end than we were in the first three books....
  #139  
Old 11-07-2002, 03:27 PM
Super Gnat Super Gnat is offline
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*sigh* That'll teach me to post without checking up on the past thread for a bit...

In my defense, I didn't start reading Lovecraft until this thread was at least in the middle of the second page. I didn't remember what was on it... *sob* can you ever forgive me?
  #140  
Old 11-07-2002, 04:28 PM
gonzoron gonzoron is offline
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"I need a holiday, Gandalf. A very long holiday. And I
don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to....
(music swells)

Sitting at home,
In my hole, all on my own.
Any hobbit would envy me.
But I need more,
Need to see the dragons soar
Beyond the Shire, a little past Bree...

(crescendo)
To see the elves and the dwarves and kings
To see spiders and trolls and rings
To visit with Elrond and then,
The Mountains, I must see the mountains again.

Frodo's a good lad,
There no arguing that.
But lately I'm just feeling thin.
Like butter on too much bread,
I feel like I should be dead.
And I must get away from my kin...

To see the elves and the dwarves and kings
To see spiders and trolls and rings
To visit with Elrond and then,
The Mountains...


Yes, those mountains...


(music fades to a sad, longing whisper)
I must see ... the mountains... again."

--From Menken and Ashman's soundtrack to Disney's LotR
(And you know... I actually wouldn't mind seeing that...)
  #141  
Old 11-08-2002, 11:15 PM
Chronos Chronos is offline
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When perfect silence was once again restored, one of the two aged elves who sat at the side of the patriarch arose, and demanded aloud, in very intelligible Westron:

"Which of my prisoners is La Longue Rapier?"

Boromir, a little at a loss in what manner to proceed, remained silent; but the ranger, who had listened attentively to all that passed, now advanced steadily to the front.

"That I did not answer to the call for La Longue Rapier, was not owing either to shame or fear," he said, "for neither one nor the other is the gift of an honest man. But I do not admit the right of the Uruks to bestow a name on one whose friends have been mindful of his gifts, in this particular; especially as their title is a lie, 'anduril' being a broadsword and no rapier. I am the man, however, that got the name of Aragorn from my kin, the compliment of Estel from the Sindarin, who live on their own river; and whom the Orcs have presumed to style 'The Long Rapier', without any warranty from him who is most concerned in the matter."


From Last of the Moriquendi, by James Fenimore Tolkien
  #142  
Old 11-09-2002, 01:38 AM
ITR champion ITR champion is offline
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Your Horoscope

By Loyd Schumner, Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries
It will be small consolation to learn that the incident with the Balrog was just the result of a big misunderstanding.

Taurus
It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Most mortal men would have tried to take the ring from Frodo and thus doom all of humanity.

Gemini
Your future involves a trip to the Grey Havens, a fight to free your homeland, and an erotic encounter with a giant female spider, but not necessarily in that order.

Cancer
You’ve never been rescued by Ents after being captured by Uruk-Hai before, which just goes to show that there’s a first time for everything.

Leo
Despite all your pleading, slithering, and hissing, your Precious is still not interested in returning to you.

Virgo
You’ve always just assumed that your army of Orcs would have no trouble dealing with a band of scrappy heroes. Well I guess we’re going to get that misconception cleared up, aren’t we?

Libra
Your belief that men are a flawed and weak race will be tempered when you learn of Aragorn’s selfless heroism. But only slightly.

Scorpio
If it makes you feel any better, countless evil overlords have made the mistake of concentrating all their power in a small, easily-losable object.

Sagittarius
The Stars would like to politely suggest that it might be a prudent idea to delay your trip through the Misty Mountains until at least next April.

Capricorn
You will take part in a hilarious incident involving an inn and song about dancing tableware, although the humor of it may not be obvious at the time.

Aquarius
You’ll feel that being forced to face an army of ten-thousand Orcs is an unfair burden. Well join the club, buddy.

Pisces
While your friends will be surprised to see you again, they’ll feel that the transition from “grey” to “white” smacks of self-promotion.
  #143  
Old 11-10-2002, 01:43 PM
Diem Diem is offline
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one line

see frodo run, see frodo row, see frodo swim, go frodo go
  #144  
Old 11-13-2002, 12:27 PM
Shalmanese Shalmanese is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by ITR champion
Your Horoscope

By Loyd Schumner, Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

Aries
It will be small consolation to learn that the incident with the Balrog was just the result of a big misunderstanding.

Taurus
It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Most mortal men would have tried to take the ring from Frodo and thus doom all of humanity.

Gemini
Your future involves a trip to the Grey Havens, a fight to free your homeland, and an erotic encounter with a giant female spider, but not necessarily in that order.

Cancer
You’ve never been rescued by Ents after being captured by Uruk-Hai before, which just goes to show that there’s a first time for everything.

Leo
Despite all your pleading, slithering, and hissing, your Precious is still not interested in returning to you.

Virgo
You’ve always just assumed that your army of Orcs would have no trouble dealing with a band of scrappy heroes. Well I guess we’re going to get that misconception cleared up, aren’t we?

Libra
Your belief that men are a flawed and weak race will be tempered when you learn of Aragorn’s selfless heroism. But only slightly.

Scorpio
If it makes you feel any better, countless evil overlords have made the mistake of concentrating all their power in a small, easily-losable object.

Sagittarius
The Stars would like to politely suggest that it might be a prudent idea to delay your trip through the Misty Mountains until at least next April.

Capricorn
You will take part in a hilarious incident involving an inn and song about dancing tableware, although the humor of it may not be obvious at the time.

Aquarius
You’ll feel that being forced to face an army of ten-thousand Orcs is an unfair burden. Well join the club, buddy.

Pisces
While your friends will be surprised to see you again, they’ll feel that the transition from “grey” to “white” smacks of self-promotion.
bwahaha! Anybody willing to do an Onion article?
  #145  
Old 11-13-2002, 01:37 PM
RickJay RickJay is offline
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Evil Characters Demand Return of The One Ring

MORDOR, MIDDLE EARTH - Denouncing what they called a "dreadful injustice," Middle Earth's evil beings made a public demand yesterday that Frodo Baggins return the One Ring to them as soon as possible.

"It's generally known that the Ring belongs to me," said hideous evil overlord Sauron, flanked by nine hooded attorneys. "I'm simply asking for what's rightfully mine. Not only is the Ring my property, but its loss prevents me from pursuing my livelihood of world domination and enslavement."

Green-skinned cave-dweller Gollum agreed. "It's no riddle that I want the Ring back," said Gollum. "It was rightfully mine and was stolen right out of my home by the evil Baggins, yes."

Added Gollum, "My preciousssssssss!"

Saruman the White, wizard-lord of Isengard, also indicated that he wanted the One Ring back, but alternated between claiming it was for himself and for Sauron.

Reaction to the speech was decidedly negative. "I will not return the Ring to Sauron," said Frodo Baggins in a telephone interview, declining to give his exact location. Other Fellowship members claimed to not know where Baggins was.

According to legal experts, the Sauron-led coalition may have a strong case. "It's quite clear that the Ring is Sauron's property," said Princeton legal professor John Quinlan. "The fundamental principle of common law concerning lost property is that it becomes the finder's property only when the original owner cannot be discenered. I don't think there's any doubt who thing belongs to. Not many Rings make you turn invisible and drive you crazy."

For their part, the evil characters seemed determined to recover the Ring, though their opinions are clearly divided as to who ultimately will get to keep it.
  #146  
Old 11-13-2002, 02:12 PM
RickJay RickJay is offline
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Welcome to EverQuest!
You have entered The Mines of Moria.
/loc
Your location is -74351.13, 66398.89, 12.65.
Gimli says, "No! [Balin]!"
/say Who is Balin?
/say What about Balin?
/say How can I help with balin?
/say who the bloody goddamned hell is balin?
Gimli says, "Balin was my cousin and the [King of Moria]!"
/say What about the King of Moria?
/say King of Moria?
/say screw it
/skill 3
You have no idea what direction you are facing.
Aragorn tells the group "We should get going."
You are encumbered!
You say, "The Ring is getting heavy."
Legolas ssays, "I hear something approaching."
Boromir shouts, "Train to crypt room!"
Gimli says, "Look out! A Orc is incoming!"
/assist gimli
n orc says, "It's Hobbits like you that have ruined your own lands! You'll not ruin mine!"
/con
An orc looks at you threateningly - you should win this fight, but it's not certain.
/a
You hit an orc for 4 points of damage!
An orc swings at you, but misses!
Legolas pierces an orc for 32 points of damage!
Legolas has slain an orc!
You have gained group experience!
Your faction standing with Orcs of Moria got worse.
Your faction standing with Mordor got worse.
Your faction standing with The Fellowship got better.
A cave troll says, "grrooooowwwwwl!"
/con
A cave troll looks at you threateningly - what would you like your tombstone to say?
/a
You hit a cave troll for 5 points of damage!
A cave troll pierces you for 109 points of damage!
You have been knocked unconscious!
Gimli has slain a cave troll!
You gain group experience!
You have reached a new level!
Welcome to Level 5!
/shout Ding!
Samwise shouts, "Gratz!"
Legolas shouts, "Gratz!"
Pippin shouts, "you sux0r!"
You are conscious again.
/petition I wish the Ring had never come to me!
Gollum tells you, "Then give Precioussss back, evil Bagginssss!"
/who gollum all

[Level 22 Rogue] Gollum (Obsessed Ringbearers) zone: moria
There is 1 player who matches your search criteria.

/tell gandalf Gollum's following us!
Gandalf shrugs.
Merry says, "What's THAT??"
Gandalf says, "It's a balrog! Run!"
You are encumbered!
/g I need a SOW!
You are encumbered!
Gandalf shouts, "You shall not pass!"
Gandalf hits a balrog for 588 points of damage!
A balrog hits Gandalf for 834 points of damage!
Gandalf has slain a balrog!
You get group experience!
Your faction standing with Creatures of Shadow and Flame got worse.
Your faction standing with Tolkein Geeks got better.
Your faction standing with The Fellowship got better.
Gandalf has died!
/shout Noooooooooooooooooooo!
Aragorn says "We have to get out of here!"

ZONING, PLEASE WAIT...

You have entered The Rocky Outcropping.
Gandlaf tells you, "Can I get a rez? My body's in Moria and I'm in Rohan!"
  #147  
Old 11-13-2002, 02:39 PM
Jerevan Somerville Jerevan Somerville is offline
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A Trip to Mordor is Announced, by Agatha Christie

"A visitor for you, Mister Frodot."

"Is that so, Miss Lemon?" M. Frodot turned about in his chair to look at her, demi-tasse poised halfway between his lips and the saucer on the desk in front of him. "You did not tell me, did you, that I had further appointments aujourd'hui?"

"The gentleman does not have an appointment, Mister Frodot." She pressed her lips together disapprovingly. "I suggested he might make one, but he insisted it is a most urgent matter."

"I say!" exclaimed Pippin from the sofa, in between puffs of pipeweed. "What dashed rotten luck, to arrive unexpectedly in the middle of tea-time and demand..."

"Tais-toi, you fool of the Took," Frodot said, though not ungently. He replaced the cup in its saucer and laced his fingers together over his waistcoat. "Alors, Miss Lemon, you may show him in."

Miss Lemon stood aside and allowed the tall, bearded man in the pointed hat to enter the room. "Mister Gandalf LeGrey." Behind his back she wrinkled her nose faintly in distaste.

The gentleman so announced strode across the room, staff thumping against the carpet. "Thank you for seeing me, Mister Frodot," he said. His well-spoken, well-mannered voice was quite at odds with his disheveled appearance and long, unkempt beard rather like a charicature of a Balliol College professor which had gotten out of hand.

Instinctively Frodot began to stroke his perfectly groomed moustaches, and contemplated the gloriousness of his equally well-groomed barefeet beneath the desk. "Not at all, m'sieur. Won't you please sit down?"

"Would the gentleman care for some tea?" Miss Lemon inquired sharply from the doorway. "Or a coffee, perhaps?"

LeGrey sat down and shook his head. Frodot raised one eyebrow at her and said, "Merci, Miss Lemon, that will be all. You may return to your making of the filing system which perfectly organizes the -- comme on dit? -- 'sundering' of the elves." She pressed her lips together once again and shut the door behind her as Frodot's attention returned to his visitor. "Now, my good sir, how may I be of service?"

"I have a job for you, Mister Frodot."

"And what sort of job is it you have, m'sieur?"

"I want you to lose something for me."

Frodot did not respond immediately. "A most intriguing proposition, but I do not see how I can help. You do understand that I have the skill at finding that which is missing, not the other way around?"

"That I do indeed, Mister Frodot," LeGrey replied, leaning over the desk. "I realize that this is not your speciality, but if anyone can figure out how to lose this particular. . . item, with no one being the wiser, it is you. You have a reputation for being the cleverest elvish detective that ever --"

"Bon Dieu," Frodot interrupted, fuming, "I am not elvish, I am an 'alfling!"

"Whatever you say, Mister Frodot, but you come very highly recommended. Will you take the job?"

"Et bien, what is it you wish me to lose for you, then?"

"This." LeGrey drew a wad of cloth from his sleeve and, laying it on the desk, carefully unfolded it without touching the contents. Within the mass of white silk lay a plain gold ring.

Pippin joined them at the desk. "I say, that's a jolly handsome ring. But why on earth can't you lose it yourself?"

"Do not tempt me, Master Took!" LeGrey thundered.

"Oui, Pippin, you must exercise the little grey cells," Frodot berated him. "It is clear from M. le Grey's behavior that this is one of the rings de puissance -- a ring of Power."

LeGrey jumped to his feet and stared down at him in amazement. "That's incredible, Mister Frodot; you're absolutely right. How did you know?"

"Order and method, my dear M. le Grey," Frodot replied with a wink, tapping his forehead. "Now, you must tell me one more thing: where is it you should like for it to be disposed?"

LeGrey collapsed into his chair and pulled a face. It was some moments before he spoke. "The Land of Mordor," he intoned.

"Murder?" Pippin squeaked. "I say, that's smashing. If there's one thing Frodot knows, it's murder! When do we leave?"
  #148  
Old 11-13-2002, 05:14 PM
Bomzaway Bomzaway is offline
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Not that I ever read these things but...

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought something like this would ever happen to me, but a few weeks ago I had sex with a witch. Not just any witch, an elf witch. I was out hiking by myself, minding my own business when all of the sudden there she was, standing in front of me. She said something in a different language, Elven I guess, and since I didn't understand, I just stood there staring at her. She was, thin, had huge breasts (that I'm sure were real), and beautiful pointed ears that peeked out from under her long blonde hair. She repeated whatever she said and stepped very close to me, with her face about a foot away from me.

Much to her surprise, and more to my own, I kissed her. I don't know why I did, I just did. Maybe she cast a spell on me, I don't know. But I did it. She pulled away and gave me an angry look, but then it softened a bit and planted her lips back on mine. She kissed me llike she was hungry, and I immediately grew hard as a rock. In one swift movement, she slipped her cloak off and much to my delight she was completely naked! Her ivory white skin shone in the dim light of the forest. Her nipples, hard and erect, begged to be sucked...




You guys get the picture.
  #149  
Old 11-13-2002, 06:46 PM
Jerevan Somerville Jerevan Somerville is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by jayjay
And I'd do a Terry Brooks version, but that would require no more effort than going to get my copy of The Sword of Shannara and copying off a few paragraphs...
I had the exact same thought. Just like Terry Brooks.

... an elfwich??? Isn't that a cookie??? :P
  #150  
Old 11-13-2002, 09:05 PM
RenMan RenMan is offline
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A software developer's take on it...

A snippet from Sauron's Ring of Power Project seat-of-the-pants Software Requirements Doc, and Bug Tracking Database, etc.

.....
23.3.1 INVISIBILITY
When the user places the Ring on any finger (or thumb), he/she is to be rendered invisible, at least to other front end users. Back end specifics: the user shall actually be placed in an ethereal state, and shall be *perfectly* visible to any other users with admin-level ethereal privileges.

23.3.1.1 Use the Ring is Limited
Ring database to keep a count of occasions on which user wears Ring. If user Ring tally grows too high (see initial design specs), user loses front end privileges and transfers (without notice) to ethereal-only account. (Note: in these cases, user account privileges to become subservient to superadmin user, that is to say, ME - <S'ron - 11/01/1757 SA>)



BUG 3044
Entered by: Baggins, Bilbo (bbaggins)
Date: 4/5/2959 TA
Description: put ring on finger, but still partially visible in sunlight to front end users (even those with no ethereal-level access)
Steps to Reproduce: stand in sunlight, preferably near observant front-end witnesses (in my case, a guardhouse full of orcs! Yikes! This is a *critical* bug, team). Place ring on finger. Stand in direct sunlight. Move frenetically to attract attention. Confirm front end witnesses notice.


* * * * * * *

any other software people wanna take this ball and run with it?
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