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  #2001  
Old 06-23-2003, 07:25 PM
Arden Ranger Arden Ranger is offline
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Mercotan is elvish for "show off", isn't it?
  #2002  
Old 06-23-2003, 07:25 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
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OK, now I guess it's enough.
  #2003  
Old 06-23-2003, 07:26 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
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It's Avari for "funny hat"!
  #2004  
Old 07-08-2003, 07:40 AM
Nichol_storm Nichol_storm is offline
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Those who enjoyed this thread (I certainly did!) might get a kick out of the If ASOIAF were written by... thread courtesy of the good folks of the A Song of Ice and Fire board.

.:Nichol:.
  #2005  
Old 07-09-2003, 06:44 AM
Ugluk Ugluk is offline
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Hey, I never saw something from Wolfgang Hohlbein, Germany’s most famous fan-tasy author! Well, here is a piece from him:

“Heart of Mordor” by Wolfgang Hohlbein

“Finally you arrived, Frodo”, said Saruman. His voice was different from before. There was nothing in it from the bad tune, which Aragorn has hated so much. Saruman seemed just serious. Maybe, Aragorn thought, he just has played with us.
Frodo tried to answer, but he couldn’t. He was blind, even though he turned his head in the direction of Saruman. Blood flew over his destroyed face.
“Don’t torture him anymore, I beg you”, said Aragorn. Saruman looked up, his eyes were like flames.
“Torture?” he asked. “Why do you think that, my king? It’s the opposite – I owe him”, said Saruman. “He has brought to me the ring. I never could have brought it here. And now, give it to me!”
Frodo began to shake. His mouth opened, but all, what came over his lips, was something inunderstandable.
“Give him the ring, Frodo”, said Aragorn. “There is nothing that we can do now.” He waited, until Frodo had obeyed and had brought Saruman the golden ring. Then he went nearer to Saruman. Frodo fell to the ground and died finally. Aragorn didn’t even notice it. “What happens now”, he said quietly, “only concerns us two. Isn’t it true, Saruman?”
Saruman nodded and put the ring on his finger and pointed at Aragorn. Aragorn touched the ring and in the same moment, when his hand touched the hot, fiery met-all of the ring, the world was gone.



The mountain was as old as the world. His foundings were at the beginning of life. His peak touched the sky und his roots went down to the deepest parts of the world, to the heart of the world. The mountain was Mordor and Mordor was the mountain. He wasn’t a god, because he was existed forever and gods are also mortals like us. And he will exist, when all live has gone. He was the heart of Mordor.
“Since when do you know?” asked Saruman quietly. He whispered; but even then his voice was reflected in the gray emptiness around them; echos from a world which didn’t exist at this place.
They were now truly here, Aragorn realized. “I don’t know” he answered after a while. Hours? Years? What meant time in such a place?
“I don’t know anything. I just think that I know.” He lookded up, looked at Saruman and could feel nothing than grief.
He just thought that he knew, but he didn’t.
But Saruman believed that he knew and in reality he didn’t know anything.
“Why did you do this?” he asked.
“Why?” Saruman answered “I thought, you knew. Power. The only thing that counts. Everything which ever has interested me was power. Do you want to hate me be-cause of this?”
“No” Aragorn answered and it was the truth. This wasn’t a place in which you could lie. “Not because of this. It is in your nature to do so. I can’t hate you because of something you are, Saruman. But wasn’t it possible to prevent the death of so much innocent people? It was from the beginning a matter between us two. Between me and you.”
“You never had given me the ring freely, you know that” said Saruman. “You are the king of Gondor. It is the duty of your family to protect the ring.”
“And you really believe, it is in my power to protect it? You think, there is any danger for it?” Aragorn said and pointed at the ring. There was a crack in the ground in front of them, gray smoke arose from it. For a moment he thought to see a face in it.
“Are you so stupid, Saruman” he said “You want it for yourself? Take it, if you can! Declare its power for yourself!”
Saruman stared at Aragorn. For just a moment, Aragorn could see in Sarumans eyes that he wasn’t sure of himself. But just for a moment. “You know the prophecies” said Saruman and took his hand back. “Who takes the ring, declares it for himself and has the power over the protecter of the ring is its master and has its powers.”
“What do you think that you will receive from it?” asked Aragorn.
“What I think, I will receive?” Saruman smiled greedy “Power, you fool. I will live for-ever and will have the power over the entire world and all the creatures in it. I will have all knowledge which every human, elve, dwarf or halfling ever had. You and the others, you have had your chance and have lost. I will take the chance. I will be a god for ever!”
“When this is, what you want, then go to the cracks of Mount Doom and declare the ring for yourself” said Aragorn calm.
Saruman hesitated, but then he turned to the mountain and went up the mountain. Aragorn looked at him, until Saruman disappeared in a gray mist. Then Aragorn turned around and sat on a stone.
Time passed by. Perhaps outside of this place of infinity Saruman allready conquered the world with his armies of Uruk-hais. He wasn’t interested anymore. Now he really had found his heritage and became for one moment the protecter of the ring. And now he had realized, what this heritage really meant. It was a curse. “You and the others, you have had your chance” Saruman had said. Perhaps this was so.
Did they really have a chance?
Somehow Aragorn thought that Saruman had spoken true. It wasn’t Gondor which was lost. It wasn’t his kingdom which has burned down. It would grow again and will be green again, like a phoenix from the ashes would it rise, like it did everytime. Eve-rytime when there was the birth of a new time. And the birth of a new time was al-ways brutal and bloody, like every birth. Perhaps someone would even rebuild Minas Tirith. But it wouldn’t be an elve, dwarf or one of the dunedain. Saruman had spoken true, never again would the dunedain rise. Oh, the dunedain will exist for a long time, but they will be replaced by other people, by other humans.
A long time later the shadows moved in front of him and a man with white hair ap-peared. Aragorn smiled a little, as he recognised Gandalf.
“Did he arrive allready?” asked Aragorn. “Not yet” answered Gandalf, “but he will ar-rive in time. The way to ultimate power is long. But he’ll manage. He is strong, much stronger than anyone before him, he was the strongest. He will life for ever, and infin-ity doesn’t allow feelings like pride and hunger for power. He will be one with the ring, when time goes on.”
“What is he now? Is he a god?” asked Aragorn. “No, I don’t think so. Something like god, but not quite like him. He is a mortal who has become immortal and very power-ful”, answered Gandalf.
“One day, we will meet again, Gandalf, but until then this is goodbye”, said Aragorn. “What will you do?” asked Gandalf.
“I don’t know. The world is big. Perhaps I will go and look for a place, in where there is a need for a king” answered Aragorn.
“Will you rebuild Minas Tirith?”
Aragorn thought about this, but then he said: “No, it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. You know that the protecter and guardian can only once have the job. Do you al-ready have chosen a next one?”
“Yes” said Gandalf, “And it won’t surprise you, I think. You know, who it is.”
Aragorn nodded. “I really have thought for a moment, why they did join forces in our fight.”
“Perhaps because it wasn’s just only your fight, it was also theirs” Gandalf said. Then he rised his arm, smiled and went back into the gray mist from which he came. But for a brief moment, Aragorn thought to see a person in the mist. The person was a rider of Rohan with a white horse on his shield. Oh yes, they would be the new rulers of Gondor, they would rebuild Minas Tirith in time. But not now and not in some hun-dred years this would happen. Perhaps by then they wouldn’t even be the rohirrim anymore. But he knew that the world would belong to lesser kinds of humanity and the time of the dunedain was gone.
  #2006  
Old 07-10-2003, 01:17 AM
ElfWarriorFuzzy ElfWarriorFuzzy is offline
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Cannibal: the LOTR Musical.....

#1:
Alferd Packer: Frodo Baggins
Liane: The Ring
Swan: Legolas
Bell: Boromir
Humphrey: Merry/Pippin
Miller: Gimli
Noon: Aragorn
Polly Pry: Samwise Gamgee
Indian Chief: Gandalf
Cyclops: Gollum
Trappers: Sauron, Saruman & Grima

#2:

Alferd Packer: Sauron
Liane: The Ring
Swan: Nazgul WitchKing
Bell: Saruman
Humphrey: Lurz
Miller: Balrog
Noon: Grima
Trappers: Frodo, Sam & Merry/Pippin
__________________
~Fuzzy-sama~
"Is that more than my cats?" -Logan's Run-
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."-LOTR: FOTR-
  #2007  
Old 07-10-2003, 01:55 AM
The MacDairmuid The MacDairmuid is offline
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Here is an excerpt of "The Lord of the Rings," as written by Arlo Guthrie.


Sauron's One Ring Puissant

[Intro -- folksy acoustic guitar]

This lay is called Sauron’s Ring Puissant.

It’s about Sauron, and the Ring Puissant,
but Sauron's Ring Puissant is not the name
of the Ring, it’s the name of the lay.

That’s why I called this lay Sauron’s Ring Puissant.


[Chorus]
You can do anything you want
with Sauron’s One Ring Puissant.

You can do anything you want
with Sauron’s One Ring Puissant

On Mount Doom he forged it in the crack,
just a couple miles up an unpaved track.

You can do anything you want
with Sauron’s One Ring Puissant


[Verse]
Now it all started a couple ages ago,
it was a couple ages ago in Middle Earth,
when the Elves and Men decided to
learn about the art of ringmaking.

But, they didn’t know anything ‘bout making rings,
so they went to Sauron who did know making rings,
which he had learned years ago before Morgoth was banished
and before Sauron was reformed.

And seeing as Sauron reformed, like that,
they got around to trusting him and letting him help in their work.

Seein’ as they trusted him, since he was reformed from being bad
and so they trusted him, they decided it’d be OK if Sauron
was to help in making their Rings of Power.

So Sauron got down there and since they trusted him,
he decided it would be really keen if he could make a ring of power more powerful than the elves’ and men’s to control them.

So he took his ring making knowledge and combined it with his will and malice,
he added spells and cantrips and various bits of incantations,
and forged his ring in the crack of Mount Doom.

Well, he finished it and when he put it on,
he saw that the Elves had known about his ring.

He had never thought that they’d known about his ring,
and with rage in his eyes he looked off to the West
to try to take control of the other rings.

He couldn’t find the elves’s,
but when he found the rings that Men made,
those rings were under his control and he took them.

Well he was mad as could be for missing the elvish rings,
but it wasn’t all bad because he had the men’s.

An’ he decided that having most of the rings
was better than not having any,
an’ rather than look for the elves’ rings
he figured he’d do his worst with those he’d got.

That’s what he did, and went back to Mordor,
an’ practiced evil and devilry, an’ he couldn’t be beat.

An’ no one in Middle Earth could do much about it
until the end of the Second Age when he got a message
one morning from his Lieutenant.

He said, “Lord, I just got word that the Elves and Men
are p-p-planning to do war on you, an’, I just wanted
to know if you were planning to do anything about it.”

Sauron said, “Yes, Mouth (Sauron always called him Mouth),
I do have a plan. I am finally going to wipe them out.

After speaking with Mouth for about forty-five minutes in Sauron’s
planning room he finally arrived at the truth of the matter,
which was that Sauron was going to have to go down
and fight with his army against the Men and Elves
because the Elves and Men had more soldiers than he.

So he went and got his armour on, and took his ring
and practiced his spells and cantrips and bits of incantations
and headed on to the site of the altercation.

Now friends, there was only one of two things that Sauron
could have done at the altercation, and the first
was that he could have congratulated the men and elves
for being so brave and fearless on the battlefield
which wasn’t very likely and nobody really expected it.

And the other thing was that he could have mauled them all
and made them slaves and gotten domination over the world,
which is what we expected.

But when Sauron got to the altercation,
there was a third possibility that he hadn’t even counted upon,
and Isildur came and beat Sauron in single combat.

Cut his ring off.

And Isildur said, “I don’t think I can give this thing up.
I’m going to keep it.”

And the spirit of Sauron fled.
  #2008  
Old 07-20-2003, 05:49 AM
Snapdragon Snapdragon is offline
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i mente

This is it! No need to beg me to stop, I promise that this is the end.


Warning: Depravity, slash, rotten language, curiously badfic, general parodied ickiness, and spoilers for RotK. Jeff Noon writes about some seriously upsetting themes, and though what I have written is relatively tame in comparison, it's still worth the warning.


Automated Hobbit



Book III: Ring to Lose



…from under my tongue.

And body and mind, I'm ripped out of the Vurt. Out forever. Reality hits like a blow from an open hand and brings a sharp sting to my confused senses. I'm in a frigid stone room decorated in filth and dead things caught up in cobwebs. I'm looking down on Fro, who's weak and trembling, and cradled inside my arms. He's got the Feather clutched tightly in his fist, but his eyes are shining.

"I'm sorry, Sam. You've saved me." Beside him lay a small collection of nightmare feathers…black on black and all of them creamed out. Mind poison, three doses worth. I must've pulled him out with me from a Meta-level in the Vurt when the Feather was removed. His eyes close while his hand flexes repeatedly around the golden Feather. "You've saved us all. You've kept It safe." His gentle voice holds a note of sad acceptance.

This--this! It's partly my fault; I understand that now. I nod and clasp my hand around his short fingers white-knuckling the Feather. "It's yours, sir. It's yours." My guilt was in giving up on him: I let go, I lost him, I took the Feather and I used it. But I won't ever do that again. And now I have to get us out of here. The orcpuppies will smell us out sooner or later if we stay, and by the looks of things they had been here at least once already. Dirty, discarded cloth reeking of those beasts formed a litter for Master's bed. "It's not for me, I know that." I unwrap the soiled fabric from around his body, and a surge of pain and terror catch the sobbing in my throat. I grip his arms and hold him closer as he falls into what I hope to heaven is a dreamless sleep.

Whipwheals cover Master's back, his neck, his arm and thighs. Fro's bleeding Vaz slime from his lashes. The poisoned blood's a souvenir from a nanovirus-tainted blade several months back. Seems like a lifetime ago, and in some respects, it was.

I sniff the juice smeared over my palm, but it only reminds me that I haven't eaten a proper meal in weeks. Mr. Frodo’s turning into Vurtflesh. Hrávë olórë, he calls it. I don’t know how much time we have left. Could be a week, could be half a thousand years before it fully changes him.

Just like that goner Slink.

I’m wondering if it’s changing me, too. I can’t think about anything else. Vurtflesh is the most promising of rides, and I know one thing for certain: Slink is still out there, and by now he's real hungry. I close my eyes and the taste of the hobbitgirl's fingers teases my memory.

But that floating world is gone to me. All I have is him and a job to do, and it's all I need. Morchester is not some sleeper's illusion; it's real-life, and I'm newly wide awake. Suddenly my body lurches like I'm on prime pipejammers. I was pure before tainting my head on that Feather, but now I'm something more.

"Come along, Mr. Frodo." I wrap the black rags abound his resting form, and also around myself this time. The orchounds can snuff out their own kind easily enough, and the rank fabric was a gift worth two tickets out of this place. Frodo lets me pick him up off the scum and he's holding on with his arms around my neck. Fro's grown dull from dreaming, and light from suffering. Now he's lighter than a feather, and I find I can carry him easily. The Feather's tickling my ear, but it's not even a distraction anymore. Not for me. I have something more important.

I remember I still have his dreamglow blade tucked away. I bring it out more for peace of mind than anything. It sparkles like fireworks in the air above my head, and I've nearly forgotten to be afraid.

There's a door in this room. Beyond it is an end for us. Like Fro's uncle's old prank. The end. It can't be long, just a few steps away. The heavy wooden door sticks before it opens, then I step through.

One black tower of Morchester was behind us, but we have the mobs and mayhem of its streets and its Grimelord yet to handle. Frodo's arms slide from my shoulders, so I set him down gently on his feet. He's hidden the Feather inside the cloak, and he's shivering from the contact. I watch him walk a few steps ahead.

"This is how it ends." He looks at his dirty feet and whispers low so that he thinks I can't hear him. "I'm left alone."

From where I'm standing, he does look alone. Like he's slowly disappearing. Even the empty promises of the Feather can’t bring much satisfaction here. But I've never made an empty promise in my life, and I'm not starting now. "Oh, no. We're going it together. To the end."

Hopelessly, he sighs, "Sam. You're leaving me."

"I won't! I wouldn't. Not again, sir." I'm thinking of our past, of the End. I had made a garden for him there; I renewed tender life so many times. All for him. That was no dream. There were daisies, and lilies, and roses…roses. "That's unfair..." I feel a stinging on my face, tiny pin pricks of misery, as his words settle in the heavy air.

Fro lifts his head and glances over his shoulder. His deep water blue eyes widen, but he's looking behind me--at something behind me. His voice is caught between a sob and a whisper. "You will. You won't have any choice."

And all I feel is a sudden cracking pain teasing a blossom of hot rosy fluid down my forehead. My knees buckle and I'm on the ground fighting an oil slick fog of sick sleep. A wiry grey form brushes past and shrieks insistent demands for its desire.

I was just an obstacle in its way.

My own blood paints a scarlet vision of Frodo running away from me. Slink's nipping at his fingers and foaming taunts from his mouth like an underfed rabid rat.

Power is a nightmare.

My dragonfire dry throat hemorrhages perfect pain, but I'm screaming.


"Master! Wake up!"



<</end>>
  #2009  
Old 07-20-2003, 06:48 AM
Collounsbury
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When is this bloated cliche ever going to get locked up?
  #2010  
Old 07-20-2003, 07:26 AM
Snapdragon Snapdragon is offline
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shucks, i had hoped that i'd killed it off

*l* I expect they're waiting until someone writes the inevitable Lord of the Rings parody as written by the last human being on the planet just tripping over this thread.

Oh, wait a minute...
  #2011  
Old 07-23-2003, 02:46 PM
FairyDust FairyDust is offline
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Posts: 577
The X-Men : Evolution version

DISCLAIMER: I do not own X-Men : Evolution and/or The Lord of the Rings. If I did, I’d be rich.

Previously on X-Men : Evolution

Charles Xavier learned that Cerebro picked up the presence of a new mutant: Diane Weaver a.k.a. Dreamweaver who can make people’s dreams come true, including her own. Dreamweaver is unable to control her powers, so the X-Men and the Brotherhood are accidentally caught in her most recent dream she had after recently seeing the movie The Fellowship of the Ring. They are forced to reenact scenes from the movie.

Scene: Secret Council of Xavier

Loud arguing amongst everyone.

KURT
The ring must be destroyed!

TOAD
I’ll be damned if I’ll ever let a fuzzy blue elf touch the ring!

KURT
You want a piece of me, you smelly toad? Come and get it!

Toad and Kurt then wrestle in the middle of the circle. Lots of “BAMF!” as Kurt teleports during the wrestling, and Toad makes wisecracks while they roll around and fight.

There is more arguing amongst everyone. Suddenly a young voice speaks loudly above the din.

KITTY
I’ll take the ring! It’ll be the perfect opportunity for me to practice my driving! See? I just got my learner’s permit! Oh, but there’s just one problem. I don’t know the way to Mordor, so I’ll need someone to ride with me. Who wants to be the lucky one?

Kitty’s question is met with dead silence and averted eyes from everyone.

KITTY
Oh, come on! I need a licensed driver to accompany me while I practice driving! Scott, how about you? Can we use your car? No? Jean? Logan? Professor Xavier?

Everyone is trying to shuffle away while they avoid looking directly at Kitty.

Eventually it is decided that Logan, Scott, Jean, Kurt, Toad, Rogue, Bobby, and Storm will accompany Kitty to take the ring to Mordor.

All of the X-Men’s vehicles mysteriously become disabled: The van, the jet, and even Scott’s red car. This forces the members of the quest to travel on foot.

They are climbing a mountain. The cold wind and snow are making their journey difficult. The X-Men are being observed by Magneto and Lance.

MAGNETO
Now would be good.

LANCE ALVERS
All right!

Lance creates an avalanche.

Scott and Jean use their powers to deflect some of the falling chunks.

Kitty phases her way out from under a pile of snow.

BAMF!

Kurt is buried under snow, but teleports himself free.


(That's all I have for now. If I can think of more to add to this, I will.)
  #2012  
Old 07-23-2003, 04:22 PM
FairyDust FairyDust is offline
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More of the X-Men : Evolution version

DISCLAIMER: I don't own LOTR and/or X-Men : Evolution.

WANDA
And what gift would a toad want?

TOAD
Aw, geez, nuthin’, really. I’d just be thrilled to cop a fee--, uh, I mean gaze at your gorgeous face one more time. Ain’t nuthin’ that can hold a candle to your beauty, babycakes!

WANDA
(smiles and chuckles, for she is flattered by the compliment)

TOAD
Uh, there is just one thing. Maybe you could give me –

Scene jumps to a boat in which Kurt and Toad are seated.

KURT
So what did you ask?

TOAD
I asked her for a piece of her underwear. She stared, coughed, and then told me she had something better: three strands of her beautiful hair from the top of her lovely head.

Kurt smiles.
  #2013  
Old 07-23-2003, 11:55 PM
jeanster jeanster is offline
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LotR - another Austin Powers version

(Wow! This thread is still going? Okay, guess I'll add another post. Don't get me wrong. I like Boromir. I cry every time I see his death scene. Anyway, here's a scene from LoTR - Austin Powers style.)

Obligatory Disclaimer: I certainly do not own Austin Powers and/or The Lord of the Rings.


Lurtz shoots an arrow into Boromir.

BOROMIR
You shot me! You shot me with a big nasty arrow! And it really hurts!

(Manages to stab an orc with his sword as he struggles with his wound)

Lurtz shoots another arrow into Boromir.

BOROMIR
Ow! You shot me AGAIN! I can't believe you shot me AGAIN! This really, really HURTS!

(Manages to stab another orc with his sword as he struggles with his two arrow wounds)

Lurtz shoots a third arrow into Boromir.

BOROMIR
Ow! I can't believe you shot me yet AGAIN with another big nasty arrow! Hello? Anybody? I could really use some medical assistance right about now! I can see my life flashing before my eyes! Can someone please help me? Please? Anyone?

Lurtz is about to shoot Boromir again when Aragorn jumps him and knocks him down.
  #2014  
Old 07-24-2003, 07:07 PM
jeanster jeanster is offline
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LotR - the F Troop version

DISCLAIMER: I sure don't own F Troop and/or The Lord of the Rings.

Remember that episode of F Troop when Captain Parmenter’s former flame, a beautiful socialite from back east came to visit, much to Wrangler Jane’s dismay? Well, here’s my twisted spin on that, LoTR-style.

EOWYN
Aragorn, darling, when are you going to come to your senses and come back to Boston with me? You could work at Daddy’s firm along with my brother Eomer. And you and I could spend more time together. Wouldn’t you like that?

ARAGORN
Now, Eowyn, we’ve been over this already. My career here at F Troop is very important to me. The men here need me. I’m their leader. They’d be lost without me.

Sgt. Merry and Cpl. Pippin glance at each other and smile. Suddenly Wrangler Arwen on horseback arrives, gracefully dismounts and walks over to them.

Eowyn smirks as she looks at Arwen dressed in buckskin.

EWOYN
Well, well, well. What have we here? Why, it’s an honest to goodness cowboy.

ARAGORN
Ewoyn, this isn’t a cowboy. This is Wrangler Arnold. Uh, I mean, Wrangler Arwen.

ARWEN (scowling)
Howdy, Aragorn. I didn’t know your mother was coming to visit.

Ewoyn gasps and stares at Arwen.

ARAGORN
Arwen, this isn’t my mother. This is my aunt. Uh, I mean my friend Ewoyn from Boston.

Pleasantries are exchanged as the two women give each other looks that could kill. Aragorn is totally oblivious to the fact that Arwen and Eowyn are vying for his love.

Later at the Lothlorien Tribe:

ARWEN
You have to help me, Galadriel. That snooty uppity Boston socialite is going to steal my Aragorn! She announced to everyone that she and Aragorn are engaged to be married!

MERRY
We can’t allow that to happen. She’ll take the Captain back to Boston with her, and we could end up with a Captain too smart for us to pull the wool over regarding our business ventures.

PIPPIN
Arwen, why don’t you use your feminine wiles to win the Captain back?

MERRY
Pippin, that’s a great idea! I don’t know why everyone says you’re so dumb!

PIPPIN
Thanks, Sarge. (pauses) Who says I’m dumb?!

ARWEN
Well, that’s easier said that done, fellas. Look at me! How can I compete with that beautiful Boston socialite with her fancy clothes and fancy ways?

GALADRIEL
How about a makeover? I could help you with that. And I could give you charm lessons, too.

ARWEN
Would you? Aw, that’d be swell!

GALADRIEL
Come this way. We have a lot of work ahead of us.

Privately while Arwen is getting ready, Galadriel speaks with a very special visiting Elf.

Later at F Troop in Captain Aragorn’s headquarters a dinner party is held to welcome Eowyn. The door opens. Sgt. Merry smiles and turns to everyone.

MERRY
Attention, everyone, please greet the lovely Miss Arwen, who most of us know as Wrangler Arwen.

Eowyn scowls and Aragorn smiles as the newly made-over Arwen enters the room. She is radiant and wears a dress most becoming to her.

Eowyn fumes as Aragorn leaves her side to chat with Arwen. He cannot take his eyes off of Arwen.

ARAGORN
It’s a bit stuffy in here, Arwen. Would you like to step outside with me for a few minutes?

ARWEN
I’d love to, Aragorn.

Arwen does not see Eowyn step on the hem of her dress, so as Arwen heads toward the door her dress rips at the waist. Everyone in the room sees her petticoats.

Arwen spins around at glares at Eowyn who is trying to look innocent.

EOWYN
Oops. What an unfortunate accident.

ARWEN
Accident? You did that on purpose!

Arwen lunges at Eowyn, but Merry and Pippin grab her and restrain her.

ARWEN
Lemme at her!

EOWYN (gloating)
Well, now. Obviously only ONE of us is behaving like a lady here.

There is a knock at the door. Ewoyn opens it. A tall beautiful blond Elf stands in the doorway.

EOWYN
Yes?

LEGOLAS
I am Legolas. I seek my beloved.

EOWYN
Well, this is a private dinner party. I don’t think you’ll find your beloved here.

LEGOLAS
Oh, yes I will. There he is.

Legolas points at Aragorn and walks over to him. The Elf greets Aragorn warmly and affectionately much to everyone’s confusion, especially Aragorn’s.

Eowyn stares at the two of them.

EOWYN
Aragorn! How could you! The engagement is OFF!

Eowyn slaps Aragorn across the face and storms out of the room.

ARAGORN (turns to Arwen)
Uh, Arwen, would you care to go for a walk with me?

Arwen slaps Aragorn across the face.

ARWEN
I don’t take walks with guys already involved with someone!

Arwen storms out of the room.

Aragorn turns to Legolas.

ARAGORN
Well, I guess that leaves you, Legolas. Care to go for a walk with me?

Legolas slaps Aragorn across the face and storms out of the room.

Merry and Pippin go over to Aragorn.

PIPPIN
Forget about them, Captain. You still have us, and the respect of all the men here at F Troop.
  #2015  
Old 07-29-2003, 01:40 AM
jeanster jeanster is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 551
What if it was written by the writers of Pirates of the Carribean?

STRIDER
You just had breakfast!

PIPPIN (shrugs)
Hobbit!

*****

SARUMAN
How did you get off that tower?

GANDALF
When you imprisoned me on that tower, you forgot one very important thing, mate. I'm Gandalf the Grey!

*****

LURTZ
Say goodbye!

Aragorn decapitates Lurtz.

ARAGORN
Goodbye!

*****
  #2016  
Old 08-12-2003, 11:19 AM
jeanster jeanster is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 551
Another Austin Powers version

Saruman uses his wizardry to send Gandalf spinning upward to the very top of the tower.

SARUMAN
There. Now, let’s get on with other business.

ORC (translated to English for your convenience)
That’s it? You’re not going to finish him off? What if he gets away?

SARUMAN
No. I’m going to leave him there until I go up later to have a few more words with him. I will assume it will all go to plan.

ORC
Look. I have a sword in my room. Give me five minutes. I’ll go get it and finish him off for you. STAB! It’ll be cool!

SARUMAN
You just don’t get it do you?

ORC
But what if --!

SARUMAN
Zip it!

ORC
But I was only --!

SARUMAN
Zip it!
  #2017  
Old 08-29-2003, 12:10 AM
Nithy Nithy is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: right here, at the moment
Posts: 50
Holy Crap, I didn't know this thread was still kicking.

More Fellowship of the Caribbean
Faramir: What's your purpose in Mordor, Mister Baggins?
Another Gondorean Soldier: And no lies.
Frodo: Well, then I confess. It is my intention to take my servant and the scrawny guy into Mordor, scale Mount Doom, and throw the One Ring into the Cracks of Doom.
Gondorean Soldier: I said no lies!



And, for those select few of you who are blessed enough to be familiar with Homestar Runner . . .

Coach G: So you gotta take that ring there to Sauron-ia, Fro-Star.
Fro-Star Runner: Is that some kind of Witches Brew?
Sam Sam: (bubbling noises)
Fro-Star Runner: You're probably right, Sam Sam.
Elrond Sad: And then my wife decided to diminish and go into the west. And I was all alone. And that was when--
Fro-Star Runner: That's great, Elrond Sad. We gotta go now.
King of Gondor: Doo hoo hoo! I'll go with you, Fro-Star. As long as there's enough to eat along the way.
The AxeSmith: (says nothing, but tags along)
Strong Saruman: Look at Fro-Star. He's so stupid! I mean, does he really think he's going to make it to Mount Doom? He's not nearly as awesome as I am. I mean, check me out. No really, check me out!
Strong Lurtz: Raaaagh! Kill Fro-Star!
The Eye: Meh!

Balrog was a man
Well, actually he was a burning-man
Well, actually he was just burning
But he was still BALROG! BALROG!

Burninating the Moria
Burninating all the Dwarfs
Burninating the Fellowship and their wizard leader! WIZARD LEADER!

And the Balrog comes in the NIIIIiiiiiIIIIIiiiiIIIIIGHT!

Galadripan: YOu can have some of my tofu, Fro-Star. And I'll sing you a Hawaiian song on my Ukulele.
Fro-Star: That's all right, Galadripan. We'll just go now.

ARROWED!
Boromir: Ow, my skin.

after the quest has ended
Coach G: Great jearb, Fro-Star.

That's the best I can do right now.
  #2018  
Old 08-29-2003, 05:45 PM
Heirodiamon Heirodiamon is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 2
Coming late to this thread, I just discovered it, haven't
even read most of it (2 years??) so this is FRESH STUFF!!

(Spoiler Warning: If you haven't read Tolkien's ROTK, you
might want to avoid reading this till December, darn it,
oh well...)

Excerpts from: /The Elf-Princess Bride/

A Screenplay by William Goldman

--------------

Int. CRACKS OF DOOM. <Shadow-World Effect ON>

--------------

KHAMUL The Easterling: Are you proposing a DUEL???

FRODO: Yes.

KHAMUL: To the DEATH??!!????

FRODO: No, to the Afterlife.

KHAMUL: I'm not sure that I've heard that expression before...
but, I ACCEPT!

GOLLUM: (bound and gagged): Mmmm-mmmh!

FRODO: Very well then, Smell this.

KHAMUL: I don't smell anything.

FRODO: What you don't smell is iocaine powder.
The most UN-deadly substance known to man.

It is a pure distillation of the Morgoth Element
in its most common allotype. A mere grain of it
can turn a strong man into a wraith, or a wraith
into a disillusioned, rapidly diminishing elf.
Care for a drink?
I prefer white wine when it's this hot indoors.

KHAMUL: Well, I know for certain that you didn't put the
drink in your glass, because only a fool would
put the drink in his own glass, and you didn't
pass through the Gap of Rohan to get here, so I
know you're not a fool. But only a fool would think
I didn't know that, so I'd be a fool to drink from my glass.

FRODO: Very creative.

KHAMUL: I'm just getting STARTED! Now, you escaped the
clutches of Shelob, so I know you're strong, and
a strong man might hope to overcome the poison, so
I must clearly choose my glass. Then again, you
decided to pass through the Mines of Moria rather
than take the OBVIOUS west road to the Havens and
Valinor, which would of COURSE have delivered the Ring
right into my master's hands, so you're clearly
very SMART, and a smart man would have done some
thinking about mortality, so I clearly mustn't
choose the glass in front of me!

FRODO: You're just stalling.

KHAMUL: You'd THINK so, wouldn't you?? But wait! You decided
against flying with EAGLES when you could have just DROPPED
the ring into Mount Doom -- with only the merest aerial
fighting force!

Now EVERYONE knows that Eagles come from
Valinor, and Valinor admits only people who are not convicts,
murderers, brigands, mortals or corrupted ringbearers. This
tells me that you are a dishonest mortal, and everyone knows
that a dishonest mortal shouldn't be trusted, so I clearly
shouldn't choose the glass in front of YOU!

KHAMUL: Oh look, it's Sauron! --
oh, never mind, he's not here yet, it's just another hobbit.

(Both ringwielders drink the glass in front of them after
Khamul cleverly switches glasses while Frodo's back was turned.)

FRODO: You look pleased.

KHAMUL: Ah-ha ha!! Now it's YOU who'll be left naked and exposed
before the Lidless Eye. You just made one of the CLASSIC BLUNDERS!
The first one is, of course,
Never Get Involved in a Land War In Beleriand,
but only SLIGHTLY less famous is this:

Never Go Up Against A Black Numenorian
When DEATH Is On The Line! A HA HA HA HAAA!
A HA HA HA HA!!!
A-HA-HA-ha-<urk>

GOLLUM: (ungagged by Frodo) But... you drinkss the one that's poisoned!

FRODO: They were both poisoned. I've spent the past year building up
an immunity to Morgul-wraithing spells.

GOLLUM: Well, if it thinkss we'll bows down to it, it's sadly mistaken,
Isn't it preciouss?? It stole our birthday-present, and we
wants it, yes we does!

FRODO: My uncle stole your birthday present. Well, actually Bilbo was
my cousin, but this is a PG-13 movie so I can't explain that.
If you need to know, he died well, after I took it from him.
What got me was the 'please'. "Please, Dread Ringlord Frodo, you
mustn't kill me. I have this ring I stole, and I must give it back
before I die. It's really 'galling' me." (turns back on Gollum)
I suppose you won't be giving me a kiss for killing 'Thief Baggins'?

GOLLUM: It'sss desPICABLE! We hates it forever! (pushes FRODO over the edge)

FRODO: AS...YOU... WISH!

SMEAGOL: MASSSTER!! PRECIOUS!!! (jumps in after Frodo)

Ext. ENDING Shot of Sam and Frodo marooned on a shelf of rock as lava
rises all around them.

FRODO: I'm glad you're here with me, Sam, here at the end of everything.
I don't suppose we'll survive this.

SAM: Come, now, mister Frodo, you're just saying that because nobody ever has.


THE END

PS--Note that Khamul The Easterling is also a Tolkien Fanatic.
No doubt he has studied the art of reading Tolkien OUT LOUD
to unsuspecting victims in his dungeon, and then asking them
what inconsistencies they found between book and movie...

"I'm sure you've heard of the suction machine... This is a
machine for sucking LIFE. As I read to you each page from
LOTR, the machine will suck one year of your life away.

I'll start you on one page of Tolkien's descriptive prose,
eventually I may take you to nine or ten... nobody has been
able to withstand more than that before without having to
get a drink or go to the bathroom. Chapter 3: In the House
of Tom Bombadil..."

"No my lord... Not FIFTY Pages!!!"
  #2019  
Old 08-29-2003, 05:46 PM
Heirodiamon Heirodiamon is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 2
Coming late to this thread, I just discovered it, haven't
even read most of it (2 years??) so this is FRESH STUFF!!

(Spoiler Warning: If you haven't read Tolkien's ROTK, you
might want to avoid reading this till December, darn it,
oh well...)

Excerpts from: /The Elf-Princess Bride/

A Screenplay by William Goldman

--------------

Int. CRACKS OF DOOM. <Shadow-World Effect ON>

--------------

KHAMUL The Easterling: Are you proposing a DUEL???

FRODO: Yes.

KHAMUL: To the DEATH??!!????

FRODO: No, to the Afterlife.

KHAMUL: I'm not sure that I've heard that expression before...
but, I ACCEPT!

GOLLUM: (bound and gagged): Mmmm-mmmh!

FRODO: Very well then, Smell this.

KHAMUL: I don't smell anything.

FRODO: What you don't smell is iocaine powder.
The most UN-deadly substance known to man.

It is a pure distillation of the Morgoth Element
in its most common allotype. A mere grain of it
can turn a strong man into a wraith, or a wraith
into a disillusioned, rapidly diminishing elf.
Care for a drink?
I prefer white wine when it's this hot indoors.

KHAMUL: Well, I know for certain that you didn't put the
drink in your glass, because only a fool would
put the drink in his own glass, and you didn't
pass through the Gap of Rohan to get here, so I
know you're not a fool. But only a fool would think
I didn't know that, so I'd be a fool to drink from my glass.

FRODO: Very creative.

KHAMUL: I'm just getting STARTED! Now, you escaped the
clutches of Shelob, so I know you're strong, and
a strong man might hope to overcome the poison, so
I must clearly choose my glass. Then again, you
decided to pass through the Mines of Moria rather
than take the OBVIOUS west road to the Havens and
Valinor, which would of COURSE have delivered the
Ring right into Sauron's hands, so you're clearly
very SMART, and a smart man would have done some
thinking about mortality, so I clearly mustn't
choose the glass in front of me!

FRODO: You're just stalling.

KHAMUL: You'd THINK so, wouldn't you?? But wait! You decided
against flying with EAGLES when you could have just DROPPED
the ring into Mount Doom -- with only the merest aerial
fighting force!

Now EVERYONE knows that Eagles come from
Valinor, and Valinor admits only people who are not convicts,
murderers, brigands, mortals or corrupted ringbearers. This
tells me that you are a dishonest mortal, and everyone knows
that a dishonest mortal shouldn't be trusted, so I clearly
shouldn't choose the glass in front of YOU!

KHAMUL: Oh look, it's Sauron! --
oh, never mind, he's not here yet, it's just another hobbit.

(Both ringwielders drink the glass in front of them after
Khamul cleverly switches glasses while Frodo's back was turned.)

FRODO: You look pleased.

KHAMUL: Ah-ha ha!! Now it's YOU who'll be left naked and exposed
before the Lidless Eye. You just made one of the CLASSIC BLUNDERS!
The first one is, of course,
Never Get Involved in a Land War In Beleriand,
but only SLIGHTLY less famous is this:

Never Go Up Against A Black Numenorian
When DEATH Is On The Line! A HA HA HA HAAA!
A HA HA HA HA!!!
A-HA-HA-ha-<urk>

GOLLUM: (ungagged by Frodo) But... you drinkss the one that's poisoned!

FRODO: They were both poisoned. I've spent the past year building up
an immunity to Morgul-wraithing spells.

GOLLUM: Well, if it thinkss we'll bows down to it, it's sadly mistaken,
Isn't it preciouss?? It stole our birthday-present, and we
wants it, yes we does!

FRODO: My uncle stole your birthday present. Well, actually Bilbo was
my cousin, but this is a PG-13 movie so I can't explain that.
If you need to know, he died well, after I took it from him.
What got me was the 'please'. "Please, Dread Ringlord Frodo, you
mustn't kill me. I have this ring I stole, and I must give it back
before I die. It's really 'galling' me." (turns back on Gollum)
I suppose you won't be giving me a kiss for killing 'Thief Baggins'?

GOLLUM: It'sss desPICABLE! We hates it forever! (pushes FRODO over the edge)

FRODO: AS...YOU... WISH!

SMEAGOL: MASSSTER!! PRECIOUS!!! (jumps in after Frodo)

Ext. ENDING Shot of Sam and Frodo marooned on a shelf of rock as lava
rises all around them.

FRODO: I'm glad you're here with me, Sam, here at the end of everything.
I don't suppose we'll survive this.

SAM: Come, now, mister Frodo, you're just saying that because nobody ever has.


THE END

PS--Note that Khamul The Easterling is also a Tolkien Fanatic.
No doubt he has studied the art of reading Tolkien OUT LOUD
to unsuspecting victims in his dungeon, and then asking them
what inconsistencies they found between book and movie...

"I'm sure you've heard of the suction machine... This is a
machine for sucking LIFE. As I read to you each page from
LOTR, the machine will suck one year of your life away.

I'll start you on one page of Tolkien's descriptive prose,
eventually I may take you to nine or ten... nobody has been
able to withstand more than that before without having to
get a drink or go to the bathroom. Chapter 3: In the House
of Tom Bombadil..."

"No my lord... Not FIFTY Pages!!!"
  #2020  
Old 08-29-2003, 07:30 PM
Waz Up Waz Up is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 27
Well, since you fine people insist on keeping this thread alive, here's my latest from Dude of the Rings. It's an Easter Egg (hidden special features on DVD that you have to hunt for). Please note these are not real instructions (I've already had one person make that mistake hehe)

Apologies in advance to all the Tom Bombadil fans.



Disc 1 Easter Egg

Instructions for finding Easter Egg:

Go to the Select A Scene screen. Use the right arrow to move to chapter titles in middle of the screen. Hold down “1” on the number pad while reciting the Battle of Sterling speech from Braveheart with the Scottish accent – you know, the “they may take our lives but they’ll never take our FREEDOM!” speech. Your face does not need to be painted blue for this, although we highly recommend it. After all, if you’re not willing to look like a Smurf, how can you call yourself a true LOTR fan?

Next, highlight Chapter 13: Bucklebury Ferry. Rub your tummy and pat your head simultaneously for one minute – DO NOT skip this step, or any further attempts to locate this egg will be futile as the timing will be all wrong.

When Bucklebury Ferry scene begins to replay in little bubble on top of screen, push down both the left and right arrows at the exact same time at the exact same moment Frodo leaps onto the ferry. It has to be EXACTLY that moment when he starts to jump, feet still on the ground, but knees bent ever so slightly in preparedness for the leap, or it won’t work. The fact that this particular shot is not actually shown should not hinder you.

Hop backwards 1,387 times, jumping round in 360-degree turn on last jump. Do NOT release the arrow keys while doing this, or you’ll have to start all over again.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are attempting this on your computer, you will be required to purchase a wireless keyboard to avoid possible injury from tripping over any cords. I repeat DO NOT attempt this with a keyboard that plugs into your computer. New Line will not be held responsible for any injury you sustain while attempting to find this egg, and neither will the author of this fic.

Now, hit the down arrow. A figure of a little dancing man will start floating around the screen. Chase it down and click on it. You will need to do this four times in a row...

Geez, what you people won’t do for an Easter Egg.




~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~




The Lost Tom Bombadil Sequence

Intro by Peter Jackson: Hello, congratulations, you have found a hidden treat. Now, rumor has it that we didn’t film a Tom Bombadil sequence. This is not true. We did. But it went horribly wrong, and New Line demanded that we cut the sequence and never mention it ever EVER again, as the actors are still in therapy. So, um, don’t tell anyone you found this, kay? (Hey, why do you think we made it so difficult to find in the first place?)

Fade to black, then sequence starts:

(The hobbits leave Bucklebury Ferry and head for the Old Forest. They wonder around a lot and get totally lost. But, being Hobbit-dudes, they refuse to stop and ask for directions. They finally find a path and follow it to a river, where there’s this big narly-looking tree. Suddenly, they all become really tired. Gee, that couldn’t possibly mean anything.)

Pippin: Dude, I’m so sleepy. I think I’m gonna crash a little, bros.

Merry: Yeah, man, me too. (yawns) Must sleep. Take snooze by nice tree.

Pippin: I’m there, coz.

Old Man Willow: (rubs branches in anticipation)

Frodo: You dudes are (yawns big) wacked. How can you be tired? (yawns and rubs eyes) I am thirsty though. Oooh, river!

(They all drift off to sleep, except Sam for some odd reason. He walks off looking for the, um, well, they don’t have any ponies with them do they? Hm... ... Well, I have no freakin’ clue what he’s looking for, but he goes off looking for it and conveniently escapes being eaten by the tree. He comes back and finds Frodo drowning himself in the river.)

Sam: Mr. Frodo! (runs over and pulls Frodo out of river) Dude, are you mental?

Frodo: That stupid tree knocked me in the river!

Sam: Dude, so rude.

Frodo: Tell me about it. And where the hell are Merry and Pippin?

(They look around and find Merry’s legs sticking out of the tree. They can hear Pippin snoring away inside the tree trunk.)

Sam and Frodo: Oh crap!

Frodo: Like, get em out of there, man!

Sam: How?

Frodo: I don’t know.

Sam: Oh, but I’m supposed to know. I’m supposed to know everything. I have to think of everything, I have to do everything, I have to carry everything...

Frodo: Dude, this isn’t helping. And yeah, you should know. You’re the gardener!

Sam: What?! Dude! That like, makes no sense. Gardens don’t have freaky, hobbit-munchin’ trees in ‘em – hello!

Frodo: You’re right. I’m sorry, bro. It’s just, you know, with the sleepiness, and the drowning, and the legs – I freaked, man. I didn’t mean to snap at ya.

Sam: I shouldn’t have wigged either, bro. Forgive me?

Frodo: Course, bro. You’re my bestest best bud EVER. We good?

Sam: Totally.

(Non-slashy mushy moment ruined when Frodo suddenly hears something.)

Frodo: Dude, listen.

Sam: (hopeful) More elves?

Frodo: (looking worried) That’s definitely not elves, bro.

(They walk up the path a ways to sneak a peak. Some dude is singing horribly off-key, and he is coming down the path towards them. He rounds a corner in the path and is now clearly visible. He’s bouncing up and down like a freakazoid, and is wearing a horribly coordinated ensemble that would make a blind man cringe. Cue eerie, screechy, scary-movie music.)

Tom Bombadil: (singing to the tune of “Turkey in the Straw”)
O ole Zip Coon he is a larned skoler,
Sings posum up a gum tree an conny in a holler.
Posum up a gum tree, coonny on a stump,
Den over dubble trubble, Zip coon will jump.

O Zip a duden duden duden zip a duden day.
O Zip a duden duden duden duden duden day.
O Zip a duden duden duden zip a duden day.
Zip a duden duden duden zip a duden day.


Sam: (starting to wig) Mr. Frodo? Is that who I think it is?

Frodo: (wigging majorly) No! Please no! Not Middle Earth Barney!

(Suddenly, Tom sees them and claps his hands.)

Tom: Oh boy! Visitors!

Sam: Dude, we’ve been spotted! Now what?!

Frodo: Nonononononononono...

Sam: That’s not helpin’, bro.

Tom: It’s time to sing our Visitor Song! (laughs manically)
They’ll be coming round the river bend when they come,
They’ll be coming round the river bend when they come...


Frodo: (wigging completely) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Sam: MR. FRODO!!!!! SAVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!

(They turn around and run back to Old Man Willow, who is also completely wigged by the presence of Bombadil and has let Merry and Pippin go in a vain attempt to uproot itself and run for dear life. Where’s an Ent when you need one?)

Pippin: Dude, now that was just weird. Did that tree just hurl us up?

Merry: That was like the wackiest dream ever. And why do I have leaves all in my hair? Weird bro.

(Just then, Sam and Frodo show up. They don’t even slow down, just zoom right by.)

Frodo: RUN YOU MORONS!

Sam: PRONTO!

(Merry and Pippin stare after them, totally clueless)

Merry: Dude, like, what’s their prob?

Pippin: Dude, I’ve just been violated by a tree.

Merry: Focus, Pip, for once will ya?

(Just then, they too finally hear Bombadil as he begins to come over the hill. He seems to have already forgotten about his earlier hobbit-sighting.)

Tom : (singing)
O ist old Suky blue skin, she is in lub wid me
I went the udder arter noon to take a dish ob tea;
What do you tink now, Suky hab for supper,
Why chicken foot an posum heel, widout any butter.

O Zip a duden duden duden zip a duden day.
O Zip a duden duden duden duden duden day.
O Zip a duden duden duden zip a duden day.
Zip a duden duden duden zip a duden day.


Pippin: Mommy!

Merry: No, it can’t be, it’s impossible!

Tom: (now seeing the hobbits) Oh, boy, visitors! Let’s sing the Visitor Song! (laughs even MORE manically than before)
They’ll be coming round the river bend when they come,
They’ll be coming round the river bend when they come...


Merry and Pippin: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(They get up and run after Frodo and Sam, who are already half way out of the woods. They reach the clearing and realize they’ve beaten Middle Earth Barney back to his pad where they see...)

Goldberry:
I love you, you love me
We’re as spastic as can be...


Hobbits: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Sam: Will it never end?!

Frodo: Why God? WHY!

(They all fall down in the fetal position and suck their thumbs.)

Frodo: Mommy said ballet would give me grace. I didn’t want to be a ballerina. Middle Earth Barney would eat me brain, she said. But I didn’t believe her. I’m sorry. Oh, God, I’m soooooooo sorry! (continues babbling incoherently)

PJ (off camera): Cut! CUT! Oh no, what have I done! Aw, man, how am I gonna explain this to New Line?

(End scene. Fade to black. PJ comes back on screen.)

PJ: So, that’s the Bombadil scene. Now maybe you all can stop complaining about him not being in the movie already. As you can see, it was for your own good. And again, please don’t mention this to any of the actors. If they go catatonic again, I’ll never hear the end of it.



~~~~~~~~~~~~

And it's finished! No more! For now anyway.

BTW, those lyrics were found somewhere on the Net. There's no way I could come up with lyrics that bad. I'm not that good. If that makes sense. :/

I also want to ask, if by some chance you get this far in the archiving and if for some odd reason you decide to archive my Dude of the Rings fic, to please only use the version found here. Thanks.
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1455179
  #2021  
Old 09-08-2003, 04:56 PM
jeanster jeanster is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 551
Another Blackadder version

What if Blackadder somehow had an ancestor who fought at Helm’s Deep? Well, I figure it might go something like this:

BLACKADDER
Ten thousand Uruk-Hai will be here by nightfall.

DARLING
We’re all going to die!

GEORGE
But even so, we’ll die with honor defending Helm’s Deep.

DARLING
But we’re all going to die!

MELCHETT
Pull yourself together, Darling. That’s a good fellow.

DARLING
I don’t want to die!

BLACKADDER
None of us do, Darling. But we have to face what’s coming.

FLASHEART
Blackadder, isn’t it exciting? I can’t wait to win this battle so I can go below to comfort the beautiful young women who yearn for my touch. Wish those Uruk-Hai would hurry up and march over here so we can get this over with.

DARLING
Are you mad? We’re outnumbered! There are only three hundred of us against an army of ten thousand!

BLACKADDER
I know, Darling. Even that aristocratic blond elf was despairing to Lord Aragorn. I overheard him saying we’re doomed.

BALDRICK
Fear not, my lord, for I have cunning plan.

BLACKADDER
Ah, Baldrick. You’re right on cue. Go ahead. What’s your cunning plan?

BALDRICK
You know how they sent all the women and children down below while we men stay up here to fight the enemy?

BLACKADDER
Yes?

BALDRICK
We could disguise ourselves as women and children and join them below.

BLACKADDER
Baldrick, there is no way anyone would believe us to be women and children. No, we’ll just have to meet our fate, doomed as it may be.

Later that evening the three hundred soldiers of Rohan are facing the army of ten thousand Uruk-Hai. Blackadder pushes his way through the crowd to join Baldrick and the others along the wall. He accidentally jostles a soldier armed with a bow and arrow. That causes the arrow to fly loose. It hits one of the Uruk-Hai.

BLACKADDER
Oops.

The battle ensues.

Eventually Blackadder, Baldrick, George, Darling and Melchett all suffer mortal wounds. As they lie dying they look toward the east. The sun is rising. Then they see a glorious sight: Gandalf the White and the Riders of Rohan are charging down the hill to fight the enemy.

Blackadder and the others die knowing that Saruman’s plan to destroy all of mankind will fail.
  #2022  
Old 09-08-2003, 05:37 PM
handy handy is offline
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If handy wrote LOTR:

Guy throws ring into volcano.
  #2023  
Old 11-04-2003, 12:42 PM
DrFrasierCrane DrFrasierCrane is offline
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What?? Nothing posted in two months??

LOTR as described with signs and labels...

In Hobbitton:
Low Clearance

On back of a Ringwraith's horse:
My other steed is a fire-breathing dragon.

In Moria:
Falling Rocks Ahead

On Sting:
DIRECTIONS: Wait for blue glow. Hack nearby Orcs, Goblins, etc. until glow ceases. Sheath sword until blue glow returns. Repeat.

On Orc T-shirt:
I'm with Stupid

On Palant'r:
WARNING: Objects in Palant'r are More Evil than They Appear

At Helm's Deep:
Maximum Occupancy: 1000

In Shelob's Lair:
Do not feed the animals

At Mount Doom:
WARNING: Contents Hot!

On The One Ring:
DANGER: May cause insanity and loss of appendage.
  #2024  
Old 11-08-2003, 12:47 PM
jeanster jeanster is offline
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Very clever, DrFrasierCrane.

I'll add this one to your list:

In Lothlorien:
SURVEILLANCE WARNING: Your thoughts may be monitored.
  #2025  
Old 11-22-2003, 04:25 AM
Toxicroach Toxicroach is offline
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LOTR by Quentin Tarantino

Frodo
If you wanna play blind man, then go walk with a Shepherd. But me, my eyes are wide fucking open.

Sam
What the fuck does that mean?

Frodo
That's it for me. For here on in, you can consider my ass retired.

Sam
Frigging Valor!

Frodo
Don't blaspheme!

Sam
Goddamit Frodo

Frodo
I said don't do that

Sam
you're fuckin freaking out!

Frodo
I'm telling Gandalf today I'm through.

Sam
While you're at it, be sure to tell im why

Frodo
Don't worry, I will.

Sam
Bet you Bagend he laughs his ass off.

Frodo
I don't give a damn if he does.

Sam turns aroud, Sting casually in his grip.

Sam
Gollum, what do you make of all this?

Gollum
Man, I don't even have an opinion,

Sam
C'mon Stinker. Do you think God came down from heaven and stopped that sipder?

Sting leaps up and goes straight through Gollums eye. He gurgles blood and dies.

Frodo
What the fucks happening?

Sam
I just accidently stabbed Marvin in the head.

Frodo
Why the fuck did you do that?

Sam
I didn't mean to do it. I said it was an accident.

Frodo
I've seen a lot of crazy ass shit in my time

Sam
We got to get off the road!

Frodo
Where too? This is Mordor, Sam. Gandalf don't got no friendly places in Mordor.
  #2026  
Old 12-25-2003, 12:42 AM
jeanster jeanster is offline
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Titanic (the movie) version

[I don't know if anyone already did a Titanic version. I saw Titanic for the very first time a few nights ago on TV, so here goes.]

ARAGORN (leaning over the bow of the ship): "I'm the King of Gondor!"
  #2027  
Old 12-25-2003, 01:19 AM
GIGObuster GIGObuster is offline
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If you want to add something, and you have no time to find if a subject was done already, check the index of this monster thread here:
http://www.teemings.com/extras/lotr/

Some recent additions are not added yet though, so do some searches in the last pages before posting.

I think the Burma Shave parodies, around page 32, are good.
  #2028  
Old 12-25-2003, 06:42 AM
Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor is offline
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Bizzare Mental Image--

"The Lord Of The Rings" as done by Gerry Anderson In Supermarionation!

http://www.fanderson.org.uk/fanderson.html

Which pod will Thunderbird 2 carry to Minas Tirith?
__________________
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~~~~Hunter S. Thompson
  #2029  
Old 12-25-2003, 10:45 AM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
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Re: Titanic (the movie) version

Quote:
Originally posted by jeanster
ARAGORN (leaning over the bow of the ship): "I'm the King of Gondor!"
Close, but he needs to lean out over the edge where Denethor fell to his death, and shout that.
  #2030  
Old 12-25-2003, 06:42 PM
dogbutler dogbutler is offline
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Location: Raleigh N.C.
Posts: 12,188
don't know if this has been done,but I ain't searching 41 pages of replies:

By Thaidog:

One Ring in a box? I burning they Warg!
  #2031  
Old 12-26-2003, 10:19 PM
Raptor_Girl Raptor_Girl is offline
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Lord of the Rings, Monty Python Style

It was a well known fact that Bilbo Baggins had gotten his ring from someone. He had claimed from some ugly toad of a creature gave it to him, but everyone knew that it was really made of cheap metal that turned your finger green. Well, it did that but it also had very evil powers. After while of having the ring, Bilbo gave it to Frodo and made off to some place with fancy elves. Frodo often stared at the ring, poked it and then put it up. After awhile, Gandalf came with fireworks. Two nosy hobbits set some on fire and got blown up. Merry and Pippen lived. Gandalf visited Frodo and saw the ring.
"Ah..Let me see that ring Frodo'h!" Gandalf turned Frodo's name into an exclamation as he smacked his head on the low ceiling.
"Err..Here you are."
Gandalf rubbed his head and looked over the ring.
"This is a very evil ring." He said at last."
"Why?"
"Because it was made by Sauron."
"Why?"
"Because he wanted to talk over Middle Earth."
"Why?"
"Because...I don't know."
"Why?"
"Because I don't!"
"Why?"
"OH SHUT UP!"
"Yes sir." Said the cowering Hobbit.
Gandalf turned and left shortly thereafter. Frodo looked down at the ring, it's evil was already taking ahold of him. He was becomming gassy.
  #2032  
Old 01-04-2004, 06:31 PM
Angelheart Angelheart is offline
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ELLESSAR’S SHIP TROOPERS – Robert Heinlein

(Sorry, I had to have a go, last part only makes sense if you read his later stuff)

Aragorn’s andurilblade sliced yet another Orc throat, it’s tempered Numenorite edge cut through dirty orc sinew like a laser through leather. Again he thanked his lucky stars that he was descended from a technologically advanced breed of supermen. But still the Orcers kept coming, as he readied himself his mind went back to the wise words of his Father Arathorn, the previous commander of the Dunedain Academy.

“Son the Orc, he ain’t like you or me, he don’t appreciate the beauty of the trees, the glory of the sunset or the freedom to pay your own way. All he wants is filth, blackness, orders and handouts of gruel from a nebulous higher authority. Remember son, Orcers aint folks, we are.

An earsplitting note rang out over the battlefield, it was Boromir’s sonic siren and it meant he was in deep trouble.

Meanwhile Gandalf rose upwards, ever upwards out of the dark, into a grey fuzziness. Could it be over he thought, done in by a blackhearted balrog after all these years of serving the light?

He thought of all the sweet things he had known in life. The craggy mountains of middle earth, the beautiful trees, the two rounded hills of Galadriels bosom rising and falling as she dropped her robe to the floor – not bad for 6000 years old he smiled, the sweet touch of Arwen’s lips on his body, what was it that made you so irresistible to Elfwomen as you got older he wondered, it must be that same charisma and gravitas that accrues to elderly and infirm writers.

As he entered the light, the realisation dawned “can I come back he asked? Will my colour be different? This time can I be a woma….
  #2033  
Old 01-04-2004, 09:31 PM
FriarTed FriarTed is offline
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Posts: 13,223
ALL YOUR RINGS ARE BELONG TO US
  #2034  
Old 01-10-2004, 12:56 AM
mathmannix mathmannix is offline
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Hey! I just joined and haven't had time to read 42 pages of posts yet... Anything a la "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" yet?
  #2035  
Old 01-10-2004, 11:08 AM
well he's back well he's back is offline
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Don't recall whether Buffy's been done...There's an index of sorts in this link: http://www.teemings.com/extras/lotr/index.html
Enjoy!
  #2036  
Old 01-10-2004, 02:24 PM
jeanster jeanster is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by well he's back
Don't recall whether Buffy's been done...There's an index of sorts in this link: http://www.teemings.com/extras/lotr/index.html
Enjoy!
Yes, Buffy's been done. Look on page 39 of this thread.

If you liked "The Wish" episode of Buffy, then you might enjoy reading chaptes 3 and 4 of "Legsy the Orc Slayer" on page 39 of this thread. It's my twisted spin on that Buffy episode, LOTR-style.
  #2037  
Old 01-26-2004, 08:04 AM
Evil Death Evil Death is offline
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If Tim Burton had directed LotR...?

"When telling the story of my friend Frodo's life, it's impossible to separate the fact from the fiction."

"Did you weally thwow the Wing into Mount Doom, Unca Fwodo?"
"Yes, Elanor, I did. I also met Dwarves, Trolls, Elves, giants and ghosts, and charmed everyone by opening my big blue eyes as wide as possible."
  #2038  
Old 02-01-2004, 06:55 PM
thegreyathena thegreyathena is offline
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Posts: 19
Middle Earth, by Tom Stoppard

Rivendell. An open hall, with a marble table. A snail sits on the table, perched meditatively on a volume of Elven poetry. Frodo sits on an uncomfortable chair, trying to adjust his belt. An elf enters.

Elf: Bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger, bugger . . . (he sees Frodo) . . . can I help you?

Frodo: Probably not.

Elf: All right. (exits)

Elrond enters.

Elrond: Mr. Baggins. May I . . . (notices the snail; to the snail: ) Hello, Lightning. Arwen's been looking for you.

Frodo: About the ring . . .

Elrond: Of course, Mr. Baggins. Gandalf has asked me to summon all of our guests to a council this evening to discuss what is to be done with that fascinating artifact your uncle uncovered. It will be held in the gazebo - heaven knows what the dwarves would do to the marble in the hall. With any luck, we will not be subjected to another recitation of Legolas's poetry while we wait.

Frodo: I saw his book. I thought I might pick it up wihle I waited for you, but it's got . . .

Elrond: Metaphors that would make the Eldar weep?

Frodo: Slime.

Elrond: Exactly.

Frodo: No, I mean - slime. The snail's been sitting on it for the past hour.

Elrond: It's time for his walk anyway. Will you excuse me? (calling, as he exits left) Arwen, have you remembered Lightning's leash?

Arwen: (from offstage) I hung it on the theodolite! (she enters right) Where's father?

Frodo: What's a theodolite?

Arwen: Haven't a clue, actually. Who are you?

Frodo: My name is Baggins. Frodo Baggins. I'm a hobbit.

Arwen: You're just in time for the council.

Frodo: Or the council's just in time for me.

Arwen: I don't go in for all that predestination stuff myself.

Frodo: You believe in free will?

Arwen: No, I just haven't finished the equations yet. Coming?

Frodo: Who is?

Arwen: You. Are you?

Frodo: Am I?

Arwen: To the council.

Frodo: Ah. Yes, I think so.

Arwen: Excellent.

(she begins to exit, Frodo follows her)

Follow me . . . try not to fall in the ha-ha.

Frodo: (offstage) What's a ha-HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Arwen: (offstage) Oh dear.
__________________
"I was just licking the mirror, the way you do."
  #2039  
Old 02-02-2004, 03:21 PM
Hen3ry Hen3ry is offline
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The Geography of Nowhere: The Rise and Decline of Middle Earth

The Geography of Nowhere: The Rise and Decline of Middle Earth
by James Howard Kunstler

Do you have this problem? You walk out of The Prancing Pony on a rainy evening after a day of schlepping your weed-smoking hobbit posse across the tilt-up utopia of Second Breakfast Nation... and you forget where you are going?

Where the fuck am I? Rivendell? Gondor?

Oh, thank God, there's the Eye of Sauron. Whew, that's a load off my mind. Now I can march barefoot for months across the toxic waste, social alienation, and odious popular culture of the middleplex to Mordor.

Actually, I have a theory about the promiscuous deployment of Sauron's orb. It's a sort of supernatural totem, meant to protect the bearer against harm and distract us from the spectacle of ugliness and banality that we've created in this high-entropy society, protecting our sensibilities against the suspicion that we have become a land of wicked, self-destructive slobs.
  #2040  
Old 02-03-2004, 01:40 PM
otrfan otrfan is offline
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If LOTR had been written by Don Marquis...

archy of the ring

hello, boss, just back from my vacation
mehitabel and I been to middle earth
to see wot all the fuss was about
big doings all over the place over
some ring everybody had the hots for

mehitabel says it the ring that is
was much too plain needed a diamond
on it she never goes for anything
less than two carats as if she would
ever be offered such a rock but still
she remains toujour gai toujour
gai nonetheless

so we ran into some short guys
with hairy feet and rode along
dodging a septet of nasties i never
saw em but frodo the one with the
ring he said they were most
unpleasant i took his word for that

then there was a strider character
who didn’t strike me as much better
but the short hairy footed guys took
to him like mehitabel takes to catnip

suddenly we were in this fancy place
with lots of odd looking ducks and
then it got real cold mehitabel said
she didn’t much care for that and
your humble correspondent was
forced to agree with her but still
it was better than that cave we was
lost in for a few days mehitabel got
a bit peckish since nobody remembered
to bring along any milk for her

damned inconsiderate of them i
opined and she was forced to agree
with my assessment of the situation but
toujour gai toujour gai says she
and so she was as best she could be
given the circumstances

there was some fighting here and there
and before long a couple of the short
hairy footed guys went to toss the ring
in a volcano which is a mountain with
a bad smoking habit seemed like a
waste of a perfectly good ring even if
it don’t have a diamond on it and once
again mehitabel found it in her heart to
concur with me

so now were back and mehitabel has
all the milk and catnip she can handle
and once again i archy your humble
correspondent can batter his brains
out on the keys of the old remington
as in days of eld the way a good post
soul transmigration vers libre poet
should i’ll sign off now and give the
keys a rest until tomorrow night
  #2041  
Old 02-03-2004, 05:09 PM
carterba carterba is offline
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Lord of his Domain

Boromir Costanza is sitting at a table in a cafe. Aragorn Seinfeld enters.

Boromir Costanza: What are you doing here? Where's Frodo?
Aragorn Seinfeld: He left.
Boromir: He left? Whaddya mean, he left?
Aragorn: He left! He's on his way to Mordor with the ring.
Boromir: What??
Aragorn: Ya know.. Sam went with him.
Boromir: SAM?? He took Sam? Why didn't he take me?
Aragorn: *shrug*
Boromir: I've gone to all this trouble to help him out, and he just leaves? Without a thank you or anything? *getting agitated* What kind of gratitude is that? Who does that? Was it something I did? Something I said?
Aragorn: Why'd you have to go and try to take the ring, you stupid idiot??
Boromir: Hey, we're out there busting our humps so the rest of you can live in peace! We deserve that ring! We--
Aragorn: Orc behind you.
Boromir: Huh? *dies*
Aragorn: That's a shame.

***
Much later, in Queens...

Denethor Costanza: (shouting) What happened to my son??
Aragorn: He, uh, he got killed by some orcs.
Denethor: Orcs?? Why didn't you protect him?
Gandalf Kramer: You know, my friend Bob Saruman--
Aragorn: Wait a minute, is this the same Bob Saruman who turned out to be evil?
Gandalf: Well, yeah.
Aragorn: With the palantir, and the orc armies?
Gandalf: Yeah..
Aragorn: Ya know you can't trust that guy!
Gandalf: Well, I think you're wrong!
Aragorn: Gandalf, he imprisoned you on top of his tower!
Gandalf: What kind of society do we live in where we can't forgive and forget, huh? Is that the kind of world you want to live in? Come on, Denethor, let's go find Bob.
Denethor: Lemme go get my seeing stone.
Gandalf: Giddyup!
Aragorn: *rolls eyes*
  #2042  
Old 02-03-2004, 05:32 PM
Ukulele Ike Ukulele Ike is offline
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The End!

(music swells, fade to credits)
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