Ghastly puns

Ready for a real groaner?
"If you are a Taurean, it is better to be a South Taurean than a North Taurean."
--Gary Owens

I don't get it. I guess I'm not his Taurean.

Sounds like a lot of bull to me.

Don't get it? It's a pun on "Korean."

Not to be crabby, but I Cancertainly claw my way into this devilish thread, shellfish as I am.

How come crabs are so tight? Because they're shellfish.......Hey what the.... ??!! This isn't the riddle thread!!

So what is a taurean?

Whenever the wife and I see news about people getting trapped in avalanches in the winter I always pipe up with:

"Avalanche is better than none!"

And then she socks me with a pillow.

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To deal with men by force is as impractical as to deal with nature by persuasion.

OK, flochi! "Taurean" means someone whose astrological "birth sign is "Taurus," like Dr. Benjamin Spock and Mayor Richard Dailey of Chicago.

Isn't that what you searve soup in? A taurean

Only if it's Caper-Corn soup. . .

Rich

with a few Pieces of french bread?

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To deal with men by force is as impractical as to deal with nature by persuasion.

You mean "Pisces".

My best friend accompanied my husband and me to our insurance agents office a few years back, and we still laugh about the exchange we had while Byron was talking to the agent. Evidently, the agent is a hunter, and he had, amongst other stuffed trophies, the head of a huge buck, mounted on the wall. The exchange went something like this:

"Oh, that's too bad. You know, that deer was shot by an insurance agent, do you suppose the widow got any doe?"

"I'm sure. At least a couple of bucks anyway."

--Use a pun, go to jail--thats the law!
--Alan Q

I have to give credit where credit is due;
CigaretJim (a sometimes poster on this board) came up with this one:

Paul went to visit his friends Lisa & Rob. Rob had recently returned from the hospital where he had had a vasectomy, which required the shaving of his privates. During a trip to the bathroom, Paul noticed a very, hairy object sitting in the bathroom sink. When he returned to his hosts in the living room he asked, "What the hell is that thing in the sink?"

Lisa's response: "It's Rob's peter toupee, Paul!"

Nothing like a really bad pun about merkins!
Enough of this punishment!

Isn't a Phillipino contortionist a manilla folder?

They also surf who only stand on waves.

"You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think." Dorothy Parker

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Tim
"My hovercraft is full of eels."

Two guys canoeing on a lake see a whale breach the surface. The whale raises its tail and splashes the water two or three times, and then disappears below the surface.

One canoeist turns the the other and says, "Must have been a fluke."

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"Be Good, and you will be lonesome."
--Mark Twain

Isn't a Phillipino contortionist a manilla folder?>>> Mojo

Well, I heard it they were planning to transfer the Chicago Cubs franchise to the Phillipines, and rename them the "Manila Folders."

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SoxFan59
"Its fiction, but all the facts are true!"

Here's a long one, from the old Dr. Demento radio show. I'm doing this from memory, so forgive me if I miss anything.

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving through downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray-- and it was overheating.

So I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Just fix the darn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?"

While they were doing that I went over to a place I know called the Oyster Bar. It was a real dive, but I knew the owner; he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, "Hi, Gill!!" (You have to shout; he's hard of herring.) Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.

I bellied up to the sandbar. Gill poured me the usual-- rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken not stirred-- with a peanut-butter-and-jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good; I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, just for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sound of Tommy Dorsal. What sole!

Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna-- "Salmon 'Chanted Evning"-- and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, who were probably there to see the bass player.

One of them's this cute little yellowtail, and she's giving me the eye. So I figure this is my chance to get a little piece of Pisces. But she said things I couldn't fathom; she was just too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure. And boy, could she drink! She drank like a... well, she drank a lot.

I said, "What's your sign?"

She said, "Aquarium."

I said, "Great, let's get tanked!"

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, "Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows."

She threw me that same old line, "Not tonight, I got a haddock."

And she wasn't kidding either, because in came the biggest, meanest-looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said, "Listen shrimp, don't you come trolling around here." What a crab. This guy was steamed! I could see the anchor in his eyes.

I turned to him and said, "Abalone, you're just being shellfish." Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill, because he was alread on the phone to the cods.

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said, "Forget the cods, Gill! This guy's gonna need a sturgeon!"

Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and said, "Hey, big boy, you're really a game fish. What's your name?"

I said, "Marlin."

After that we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner, I took her to dance, I bought her a bouquet of flounders. I went home with her. And what do I get for my troubles? A case of the clams!

"Hey, is that a piece of origami paper in your hand?"

"Yeah...wanna make something of it?"

Here's my dad's favorite (eventhough its godawful) and I hear it every time we pass by a cemetary:

Boy, people are dyin' to get in there!

::groan:: Literally, EVERY time we drive by one, he's gotta say it....

Hey, AuraSeer: That bit you did--your memory is quite accurate, incidentally--is from "Wet Dream," by Kip Addotta--and it's a perennial "funny Five" Favorite on the Dr. Demento Show. (Dr. D even included it, as the finale, on a video he had published.)

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tell's bowled.

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MaryAnn
Sometimes life is so great you just gotta muss up your hair and quack like a duck!

bunnygirl try this response
Well, it is the dead center of town.
Larry

Have you ever heard of the opera about a computer user?
It's called "Modem Butterfly."

[gary horaczek]

A hearse was going up a hill when the back door opened and the coffin fell out and went down the hill. The coffin went through the front door of the drug store and stopped at the counter. The druggist asked "Can I help you?". The coffin opened and the man inside answered "Yes. Do you have anything to stop this coughin'?"

[Babar714]

Guy just lost his job because he lost his arms in a stagecoach accident. He talks to the preist of the neighboring town if he can help him find a job. The preist realizes the town needs someone to ring the bell in the bell tower.

"Don't care how you do it, but if you can, the job is yours."

So, the armless man thinks, and tries several different ways to ring the bell. He tries pulling the rope with his teeth. He tries kicking it. Finally, he decides to take a running start and kick the bell. He runs, jumps, hits the bell with his head, falls down the tower and dies. All the townspeople hear the 'GONG' and come running. They gather around the body in confusion. "who is that" they ask. The priest says:

"I don't know. But his face sure rings a bell."

PLACE ARGHHHHHHHHHS HERE.

[Gaudere]

"I don't know. But his face sure rings a bell."

About a week or so later, another armless guy shows up in town. He looks uncannily like the first bellringer. He is also looking for work, and is directed towards the bell tower. His first day on the job, he runs up to the bell to kick it, misses, hits it with his head, falls out of the tower and dies. The townspeople gather around, curious.

"Who was that guy?"

"I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for the last one..."



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"Eppur, si muove!" - Galileo Galilei

[Babar714]

didn't even give me enough time to post the suquel. Kudos to you.

[Pete]

That should be "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think." I believe Parker also said "If all the girls at the Harvard prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit suprised."

Here's a groaner:

My uncle works as a waiter in a fancy hotel. Last December, there was a chess convention being held at the hotel. The hall was so packed that the overflow pushed back into the entry room. My uncle tried to serve the chess players cocktails, but all they seemed to care about was proving that they were better players than the next guy. Finally, my uncle got fed up and shouted "I'm sick of all these chess nuts boasting in the open foyer."

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I don't know who first said "everyone's a critic," but I think it's a really stupid saying.

[Gaudere]

didn't even give me enough time to post the suquel. Kudos to you.

I'm a speed demon. Sorry to steal your chance to make a truly godawful pun. Always nice to meet a fellow lover of paronomasia. (Geez, that favorite words thread must be affecting me.)

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"Eppur, si muove!" - Galileo Galilei

[mr john]

OK you asked for it.
I have before me an incredibly intricate news paper article comparing Fort Worth and Dallas. Detail of Two Cities. It says there was a circus in Dallas the other day. On exhibit were a pair of Siamese twin Siamese cats joined at the rear, A Tail of Two Kitties. That's two in a row, I tell of two witties. I don't believe what I am reading now, says the circus had a pair of Abominable Snowmen! That's just a Tall tale of two_____. Come on do I have to do all the work? What's that? you can't fill in the blank? Oh, SOB! I am sorry! Oh, SOB! I am sorry! A wail of two pities. Ah, now this looks interesting, they had a fan made from the feathers of two old hens, a tail of two biddies. Oh, I can't believe they would print this, it seems two masochists got in a fight over the shared ownership of a cat o nine tails! A flail of two hittees. Uhoh, this looks serious, seems the Trinity is overflowing both banks and they only have one bucket to throw the water away. A Pail for Two Levees. Moving on to lighter news,the White Rock Yachting Club had a little cruise, every body joined in to sing a couple of English Musical songs. A sail with two Ditties. Here's some from down on the Gulf Cost, an orca got wedged between the break waters. A whale on Two Jetties. Let's see what's in the ads. Neiman's has a special price on infant's gloves. A Sale on Two Mitties. Here's an amazing skin cream the before picture is a poor boy with a terrible case of acne, but he looks much better in the after. A Male with two zitties. Ah! Look Dolly Parton is coming to the Longhorn Ballroom........What?........ Oh, all right I'll stop they weren't that good anyway.



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Signitorily yours, Mr John
" Pardon me while I have a strange interlude."-Marx

[dougie_monty]

A biology professor at Stanford had some porpoises on his property. He found a way to keep them alive indefinitely with a food he prepared from the flesh of seagulls he trapped at the seashore.
One weekend while the professor was out trapping, an old, toothless, peaceful, harmless lion escaped from a zoo and wended his slow way across town. He went to sleep alongside the professor's house.
The professor parked in his driveway with a cage of gulls, still alive. He walked to the back yard, where the tank was, and saw the lion and stepped over him. FBI agents waiting in the bushes jumped out and arrested him.
The charge: transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

[dougie_monty]

Q. Where does a sheep go to get shorn?
A. The baa baa shop.


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"If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully--because I walk in my sleep."--Victor Borge

[Max Torque]

Once, there was a peaceful little town, where the people grew the most beautiful flowers in all the land. Atop a mountain at the edge of town was a monastery. The monks who lived there grew flowers also, and they were so jealous of the flowers in the town that, every month, they would pour forth from the monastery, thunder into the little town, and crush every flower they could find.

Life went on this way for years, until the villagers could stand it no longer. They hired a man from a neighboring town named Hugh, a mighty giant with a barrel chest and arms like iron bands. Hugh stood at the base of the mountain and waited for the monks to arrive.

Days passed. Then, the doors of the monastery flew open, and the monks ran down, meeting Hugh at the base. A tremendous battle ensued, but, when the dust had settled, only Hugh remained standing, the vanquished monks at his feet.

Moral: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


If you think THAT'S a groaner, wait'll I tell you the one about the dolphins....

[Max Torque]

Blast! dougie_monty beat me to it!

My version takes place on an island; the lion is protected by the laws of the native people. And the dolphins require seagull chicks. Thus:

Carrying young gulls across the state lion for immortal porpoises.

Argh. Oh well.

[BenDover]

There was once a town called Triddle whose inhabitants were called Trids. Triddle was located in a high mountain valley whose only exit was a steep trail over the smallest mountain. Very few native Trids were ever seen outside of their mountain valley, although salesmen, repairmen, and deliverymen traveled in and out frequently. Young Harry became curious about the mysterious Trids and decided to pay the town a visit to learn why the inhabitants were so reclusive.

Upon arrival, Harry accosted the first person he met and asked why few Trids were every seen outside of their valley.

"Well," the man replied, "there is a fearsome monster who lives at the top of the mountain who will not let any Trid pass him. If a Trid approaches, he rushes out and kicks them so hard that they tumble back down the mountain. A few people have managed to sneak past him, but most people give up after a couple of tries."

Harry didn't believe this, so the man offered to demonstrate. He struggled up the steep mountain trail until he reached the top, whereupon a huge rabbit rushed out of hiding and kicked him so hard he tumbled back down the mountain. Another young man also offered to demonstrate, and received the same treatment.

Harry was astonished (and worried), but the townspeople assured him that the rabbit only kicked native Trids, and allowed all others to pass unmolested. Harry decided he had better leave immediately just in case, and began the long, steep climb up the trail. As he neared the top, he spied the huge rabbit sitting beside the trail, but the rabbit didn't move as he walked by. Curious, Harry turned back to the rabbit and asked, "Mr. Rabbit, whenever a native Trid tries to leave the valley, you rush out and kick that person so hard that they tumble back down the mountain, yet you allow me and others to pass unmolested. Why is this?"

The rabbit replied:

"Because Kix are for Trids."




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The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - Henry Van Dyke

I'm sure you've all heard the one about the legendary Foo Bird. I'll tell it anyway, as it is essential to the understanding of the sequel:

An ornithologist went to a tiny tropical island to see the legendary Foo Bird, the most beautiful and rarest bird in the world. After much searching, he comes to stand under a tree in which the exotic fowl is nesting. The professor is peering up at it when suddenly the bird relieves itself, soiling the good doctor. He immediately washes the poop off, despite the protests of his native guides who believe the droppings are sacred and should not be removed. Soon thereafter, he goes into a seizure and dies.
The moral of the story?
If the Foo shits, wear it.

Another pair of scientists come to the same island. On the day they arrive, they are so taken with the beauty of the calm waters around the isle that they decide to swim to shore. One swims ahead of the other, right through a brown cloudiness in the water that came from some seals nearby. As soon as he is rinsed clean, he goes into spasms and dies. His partner quickly swims back to the ship, declaring:
"Even the sea is accursed here, as any seal can plainly Foo!"

[KCB615]

My favorite pun was between myself and my best friend, Eugene. His father (also named Eugene) has a rather serious digestive problem (gets the runs all the time, on medication for it, etc). Little Gene, one day, was suffering from the runs and had to make a rather rapid trip to the rest room. My response to this:

It runs in the Genes.

Hey, it was funny at the time, and it still pisses the hell out of Gene if I mention it to him.


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Jeremy....

I can think of no more stirring symbol of man's humanity to man than a fire engine - Kurt Vonnegut

[voguevixen]

And of course there was the old west saloon where the dog burst in and declared "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

[Zyada]

BenDover told the Trids' saga much better than I could; however, in the version I heard, the Trids had arranged for some religious officers to negotiate w/ the monster. After the priest & the minister failed, the rabbi tried and asked the critical question. The response - "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids"

There were two trains that were coming at each other. The engineer on one train, a Norwegian, was supposed to be on this stretch of track; unfortunately, the engineer of the other train was seriously drunk. As the engineers tried to stop the trains & prayed, miracuously the trains switched places on the tracks and everyone was saved, because...
Norse is Norse & soused is soused & never the twain shall meet!

[Zyada]

How about making that "never the trains shall meet"

In a certain remote village, there was but one item of value: the king's jewel-studded solid gold throne. Jealous of his wealth, a gang of thieves managed to steal it one night. With much effort, they hoisted it up and hid it in the rafters of the gang leader's hut. Alas, that man died in bed that very night. He was crushed by the mighty weight of the treasure as it fell through its flimsy supports.
The moral?
People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

I went to visit a friend in rural Georgia. As we walked a red-dirt road, we came upon an old man pounding the road with a tool that looked something like a sledgehammer. I asked him what he was doing.
"Wellll," he drawled, "Ahm keepin' th' road surface packed hard, so's it don't wash away.
See, this heah clay soil was once home to a huge grove of nut trees. Now it ain't good fer nothin'. Muh hammered alley was once cashews clay."
I was dubious, but my friend said knowingly:
"He's the gradist."

[tomndebb]

I will now burden you with a true story.
I once worked with a woman who was an exceptionally good mathematician. One day we were recounting confusing things that had happened to us in childhood. She described how in her Catholic school she used to confuse the feast of St. Blaise (where two candles are used during the blessing of each child's throat) and the Easter Vigil celebrated on Holy Saturday (at which time there is a blessing of candles).

I immediately asked "So you confused your Blaise with your Pascal?"

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Tom~

[neuro-trash grrrl]

Once upon a time, there was an umpire known to every baseball team in the nation as being mean, petty, and foul-mouthed. One day, after a particularly rough game, he came home and really needed to unwind, so he decided to read his little boy a story. He called his son: "Come here, boy, and sit in my lap, so I can read you a story". The boy came, but wouldn't sit in his lap. No matter how much he tried to persuade him, the boy still refused. Why was this?

Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire...

[Johnny Angel]

There's this gem from, I believe, Tom Waits:

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.