Women just don’t understand about penises, you know?
Penises are important. I mean, men really invest a lot of time and attention in them, you know? And women treat us like idiots for it.
It’s not our fault, women. It’s how we’re wired.
It’s a man thing, really. Women just don’t get it. Not only are women physically different from men, there’s a substantial psychological difference from men, as well.
Penises are the very root of manhood, so to speak… mighty, yet vulnerable… seductive, yet faintly ridiculous. You hear a lot about “phallic imagery”, but how much do you hear about “vaginal imagery?” Ancient Athens, the pillar of civilization, was decorated with little statues of Hermes and his erect penis… located on street corners for good luck. Men are obsessed with their dicks, for the most part. I try not to be so predictable or foolish about it… but I’m a guy, too.
One of the worst things I ever saw happen to a guy was in high school, when a friend of mine participated in the vandalizing of a Sonic-Drive-In. He made the mistake of peeing into the little speaker you order your food through. The electrical arc traveled up the stream and practically fried the poor guy’s tallywhacker. He said it was like being kicked in the nuts while plugging your tinkus into a power socket. What was worse… he told us the next day at school… his tinkus… didn’t seem to work any more.
He was scared. I didn’t blame him. To have your li’l guy suddenly cease to function at age 16 is like … like… shit, I don’t know. A disaster, certainly. The next day he reported it still didn’t work, despite hours of priming with Penthouse magazines. He could pee through it… but that was about it.
Day three: still nothing. He was badly frightened… his brother had theorized that he’d shorted out some important nerves, or something. Would it ever work again? He was debating going to the doctor, even if it meant admitting who’d vandalized the Sonic…
Day four: He came to school laughing, his heart had wings again. Life was good again. Apparently, the poor thing was just traumatized, that’s all. He reported no less than four successful launchings the previous night, with and without photographic assistance. All was well… but it was a lesson none of us ever forgot…
…but I digress. My own experience with the sacredness of the penis came when I lived with Tiny Alice. Alice had just broken up with her boyfriend and was in the usual “men are pigs” phase that seems to go after that.
She had two dogs, a little yappy thing that looked like a mop with feet… and a small bulldog-looking animal.
It wasn’t EXACTLY a bulldog… I don’t remember what it was. Its name was Corky, and it may have been the stupidest vertebrate I’ve ever encountered. It was rabidly affectionate, energetic as a mongoose on speed, and had a tongue bigger than my entire head. When you entered the door it would tear through the house, run directly towards you, run UP your body, and lick you two or three times on the face before gravity took over and it fell back to the floor. If you fell down, ghod help you – before you could scramble back to your feet, you’d be sopping with dog spit.
Corky, like I said, was not a smart dog. Tiny Alice never completely succeeded in housebreaking it… all Corky ever quite managed to learn was that you should NEVER let a human CATCH you taking a shit. If you saw Corky crapping somewhere and Corky spotted you, Corky would rip into Tiny Alice’s bedroom and hide under the bed. If you tried to get the dog out, the dog would bite the hell out of you.
I tried to play “fetch” with Corky once. I tossed a tennis ball into the kitchen. Corky rip-assed after the ball, caught up with the ball, snapped up the ball in his mouth, tried to stop, skitterskitterskitter on the tile, trying desperately to hit the brakes… POW, headfirst into the refrigerator… stagger back into the living room, drop the ball at my feet… We did this four or five times before I realized that the dog was too stupid to NOT do this…
…but like I said, Tiny Alice had broken up with her boyfriend, which I thought was a good thing… the guy was a shitheel. She was heartbroken for a while, but she got over it. One day, I came home and found her playing a game with Corky… a game we might well call “bite the weenie”. It involved holding a frankfurter about three feet off the floor, and holding it more or less parallel to the floor… and wiggling it. If Corky would leap up and bite the weenie in half, he got to eat the weenie.
…does anyone see where this is going?
I shooda. I’d just gotten out of the shower. Alice was at work, so I’d left the bathroom door open, to let out the steam. I’d been thinking interesting thoughts while in the shower… I don’t remember what about, but I do remember having a serious erection as I got out and dried myself off.
About then, I noticed Corky. Corky was sitting in the doorway, studying me. Specifically, Corky was studying my dick. Corky cocked his head, quizzically… gazed for a second…
…and then leaped.
The penis is made of spongy tissue, fortunately; I understand some bulldogs can crush bone with their jaws. Believe it. I screamed, danced around, hit the dog, yanked my dick, and finally spun around, hoping the dog would be shaken off by the centrifugal force or something. I don’t pretend I was rational at this point; there was a dog trying to bite my dick in half, y’know.
At this point, the door opened, and Tiny Alice walked in.
She saw her naked hairy roommate screaming and jumping up and down and spinning in circles with a dog clamped on his dick.
Naturally, her first thought was for the dog’s safety. She promptly attacked me.
We called her Tiny Alice for a reason, though – she was maybe five feet and eighty pounds, dripping wet. It wasn’t until I heard her screaming “DON’T HURT MY DOG!!!” in my ear that I realized she was on my back, one arm locked around my throat. I hadn’t noticed her. Of course, I was kind of distracted…
I ignored her and kept jumping up and down and whacking the dog. She reciprocated by trying to choke me, but she couldn’t quite get her arm all the way around my neck. She tried biting me, but I was much too interested in the other creature biting me for this to have much effect. Finally, she was reduced to yelling in my ear, which was about as painful… and as effective… as the other forms of assault she’d tried.
This whole thing probably went on for two or three minutes.
Finally, Corky realized that this weenie just wasn’t gonna give as easily as the Oscar Meyer ones had, and let go. With the clamp gone, my erection instantly deflated. I cradled my poor dick in my hands, afraid to look at it. I was quite certain the dog’s teeth had perforated it like a machinegun barrel, and I’d have to finger it like a piccolo if I ever wanted to pee straight again…
… but when I looked at it… it was okay. The dog’s teeth hadn’t penetrated.
Tiny Alice, who was still on my back, looked over my shoulder with some interest.
I carefully examined it. There were some bruises where the teeth had been. I carefully examined the underside. It seemed OK there, too… and I squeezed it experimentally.
A drop of blood oozed out of the end.
I lost my fucking MIND.
I went after the dog, fully intending to tear it apart like a fried chicken. The dog, not being THAT stupid, promptly fled under Alice’s bed. I went under the bed after the dog. The dog bit me. I leaped to my feet, grabbed the bed, and tossed it across the room. The dog promptly ran into the living room and shot under the couch. I ran after it, grabbed the couch, and tossed it into the kitchen. The dog looked at me, horrified, and ran into the bathroom, where all the furniture was attached to the floor and I couldn’t possibly pick it up…
…and it was already in there before it realized that there was nothing to hide under in there.
I had the dog cornered in the bathtub when I paused due to the splitting pain in my head.
Alice was still on my back and had been screaming in my ear the whole time. She’d finally resorted to trying to rip it off with her teeth, Mike-Tyson-style. Ironically, she wound up drawing more blood than the dog did.
I did not kill the dog.
My dick was sore for a day or two, but never lost function. It still works fine, by the way.
I did get EVEN with the dog… but that’s a tale for another time…
