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  #1  
Old 02-14-2003, 01:40 PM
WillSantini WillSantini is offline
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My Best Friend Just Dumped Me

First I would like to say that I feel this is neither mundane nor pointless, but I didn't know where else to put it.

My best friend e-mailed me yesterday and said:
Quote:
I cannot remain your friend, and I won't have anymore contact with you.
I respect her wishes and I will not attempt to contact her, even to say "goodbye". She is a Doper, so I hope that perhaps fate will bring her upon this thread. (Can this be viewed as attempting to contact her?)

There are circumstances that I can not reveal here, and please do not think ill of her, she is a great person. I have many drinking buddies, companions, pals, chums, acquaintances, comrades and well-wishers, but she was my sole (soul) friend.

I would like to tell you, Fellow Dopers, what I would say if she would allow one last meeting.

K, I understand why this must be. And I praise you for your priorities and for making this decision. My greatest pain is losing my best friend. You will never be replaced and I will never forget you. I wish you success in your mission, and all the happiness you deserve. I thank you for the time we have spent together, it has been the happiest time of my life. I loved you the very moment we met, I love you today, and on my death bed, I will still love you. I drink to remember. Goodbye.


Dopers, thank you for your time.
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  #2  
Old 02-14-2003, 01:51 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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Well, that's about as heartbreaking a post as I've ever seen. Obviously, it would help to know the details, but some things just ought to be private. Here's to fond memories and mending hearts.
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  #3  
Old 02-14-2003, 01:56 PM
AncientHumanoid AncientHumanoid is offline
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Did K join a different religion?

Or is K trying to get out of the drinking mindset? You mention drinking twice in the OP is why I ask.

You say K has a mission. Is the mission radically opposed to your core values? Or yours to K's?

I'm not ignoring your pain, just trying to understand it a little better.

Hope things get better for you. Whether K is in the picture or not.
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  #4  
Old 02-14-2003, 02:00 PM
AncientHumanoid AncientHumanoid is offline
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BTW, you have no obligation to answer my Qs if you choose not to.

Good luck.
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  #5  
Old 02-14-2003, 02:02 PM
Esprix Esprix is offline
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I lost my best friend at the time a few years ago. I told him I thought he had a drinking problem, but he pooh-poohed the very idea, and although I had my doubts, I didn't press it. Then two months later he stood me and a bunch of friends up, and when I called him on it, he blew up at me, told me I was being unreasonable and a jerk, and stopped talking to me.

Now, we were best friends that called each other every day, went out every weekend, told each other everything, vented about failed dates, and were even planning to travel together on a trip. Him dropping contact was extremely painful for me - more painful than losing a boyfriend. I let things cool off for a while, then wrote him a long letter and apologized for my behavior and told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted to do what was necessary to get him back, but all to no avail - he never spoke to me again.

It wasn't until a few months later that I found out he'd done this with every single one of his previous best friends - and it was always shortly after they told him they thought he had a drinking problem.

Denial is an ugly thing.

Esprix
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Lessons My Father Taught Me
George N. "Bud" Lutton, Jr.
May 11, 1927 - December 11, 2003
Thanks for everything, Dad.
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  #6  
Old 02-14-2003, 02:08 PM
scout1222 scout1222 is offline
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WillSantini, I don't think the details are relevant at all to getting a grasp on how you must feel right now.

Regardless of why your friendship is over, it's over. And that's something to mourn. Even if it was ALL YOUR FAULT (which who knows?), you still have to deal with the consequences.

So regardless of your situation, I wish you the best, and hope that you can move on and not just dwell on the negative.

Best of luck to you.
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  #7  
Old 02-14-2003, 03:30 PM
WillSantini WillSantini is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by NoClueBoy
Did K join a different religion?

Or is K trying to get out of the drinking mindset? You mention drinking twice in the OP is why I ask.

You say K has a mission. Is the mission radically opposed to your core values? Or yours to K's?
No new religion, no drinking problems, and our core values are very similar


Quote:
Even if it was ALL YOUR FAULT (which who knows?), you still have to deal with the consequences.
No one's fault, there was not argument, no falling out, only actions and circumstances.
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  #8  
Old 02-14-2003, 03:58 PM
AncientHumanoid AncientHumanoid is offline
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Well, one thing to remember. Losing a friend, for any reason, is a rough thing to go through.

So, do let yourself grieve. But, learn from it. Grow. Find new friends, get closer to someone you already know.

Love may not die, pain may not end, but you do have options. Remember those who love you and reflect on the good things you have and had.

Let us know what's up with yourself when you get to feeling like it.

We'll be here.

Signed: Average Doper.
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  #9  
Old 02-14-2003, 04:45 PM
austen austen is offline
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I'm sorry to say this, but there are two sides to every story. All we are seeing (or reading) right now is WillSantini's. And while I understand your feelings, WillSantini, I have been in K's shoes as the friend dumper.

As other threads have mentioned here before, sometimes there are "friends" that really aren't - toxic friends. When I made the decision to "dump" these people from my life - I felt a huge weight lifted. These people acted and impacted my life so negatively, it was mentally better for me to stop the friendship.

I do feel bad for you - I wish you luck as well. But, you obviously know why this happened - maybe this could be a learning experience for you, too.
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  #10  
Old 02-14-2003, 05:11 PM
White Lightning White Lightning is offline
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Re: My Best Friend Just Dumped Me

Quote:
Originally posted by WillSantini
She is a Doper, so I hope that perhaps fate will bring her upon this thread. (Can this be viewed as attempting to contact her?)
Uh... yeah.
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  #11  
Old 02-14-2003, 06:50 PM
WillSantini WillSantini is offline
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I've done nothing wrong, like I said before, there was no falling out, there was no argument. Our friendship just had too many bad points.
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  #12  
Old 02-14-2003, 07:05 PM
Eliahna Eliahna is online now
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Quote:
Originally posted by austen
I'm sorry to say this, but there are two sides to every story. All we are seeing (or reading) right now is WillSantini's. And while I understand your feelings, WillSantini, I have been in K's shoes as the friend dumper.

As other threads have mentioned here before, sometimes there are "friends" that really aren't - toxic friends. When I made the decision to "dump" these people from my life - I felt a huge weight lifted. These people acted and impacted my life so negatively, it was mentally better for me to stop the friendship.

I do feel bad for you - I wish you luck as well. But, you obviously know why this happened - maybe this could be a learning experience for you, too.
I could have written this myself.

While I feel for you WillSantini, I know that when I "dumped" my friend nearly two years ago, she tried to use the boards to contact me, and that infuriated me. I just wanted her to leave me alone. I didn't take the decision to end our friendship lightly, and her efforts to contact me after the fact merely angered me. She tried to use my Straight Dope membership as a way around my request that she not contact me, and that only made me resent her more. It was an intrusion.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is leave things alone, lest you make them worse.
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  #13  
Old 02-14-2003, 07:13 PM
Edlyn Edlyn is offline
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WillSantini and Esprix, I am sorry to hear that you lost a friend that you thought was a lifetime type friend. It always hurts.
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  #14  
Old 02-14-2003, 07:41 PM
njufoic njufoic is offline
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WillSantini-

Same thing happened to me awhile ago. In fact, of all possible times, it was the day before 9/11/01 that I got "dumped" by a good friend. I'm usually a pretty upbeat and non-depressed person, but having those two events taking place back to back really had me concerned that things were falling apart around me.

This, too, was a situation where there was no one big argument or key disagreement, but just a variety of incidents and differences that led up to my ex-friend deciding he couldn't be friends with me anymore. It didn't take me too long to realize that I just had to take this for what it was and move on. Good luck.

-Andrew L
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  #15  
Old 02-14-2003, 09:21 PM
cuauhtemoc cuauhtemoc is offline
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Did she like you, but not like you like you? Or vice-versa?

I know you don't want to go into details, so if I'm right, signify by not responding to this post.
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  #16  
Old 02-14-2003, 10:24 PM
Malthus Malthus is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by cuauhtemoc
Did she like you, but not like you like you? Or vice-versa?

I know you don't want to go into details, so if I'm right, signify by not responding to this post.
Exactly what I was thinking.
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  #17  
Old 02-14-2003, 11:17 PM
elgar elgar is offline
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It always hurts to lose a best friend. I've never had someone come out so directly, however. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Would you prefer a friendship to die a slow, frustrating death, or to just have it over? You seem to know why, but it still seems to hurt you. Closure is always important, hopefully you will find it.

Best wishes
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  #18  
Old 02-17-2003, 12:34 AM
WillSantini WillSantini is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by cuauhtemoc
Did she like you, but not like you like you? Or vice-versa?
There was always lot's of love between us. We very seldom had a disagreement. We were as close as friends can be.
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  #19  
Old 02-17-2003, 12:45 AM
chula chula is offline
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I don't see how this thread could be criticized as an attempt to contact her. If she sees the name and the topic and doesn't want to read it, she doesn't have to. When you've just lost a friend, you shouldn't have to lose a message board as well! There's room here for everyone.
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  #20  
Old 02-17-2003, 10:00 AM
rhinostylee rhinostylee is offline
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Sounds to me like a lot of drama. Give it a few weeks and I'm sure that things will all work out, unless you slept with his/her significant other or little sister/brother. As long as that wasn't the offense, you should be okay.
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  #21  
Old 02-18-2003, 12:33 PM
WillSantini WillSantini is offline
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Thank you for your kind words.
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  #22  
Old 02-18-2003, 12:53 PM
Gazelle Gazelle is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by austen
As other threads have mentioned here before, sometimes there are "friends" that really aren't - toxic friends. When I made the decision to "dump" these people from my life - I felt a huge weight lifted. These people acted and impacted my life so negatively, it was mentally better for me to stop the friendship.
Little hijack, Will, hope you don't mind. Love the handle, by the way. One of my favorite books.

austen, hey, me too! Had to dump a friend a few years ago. We would replay the same script over and over; I got tired of being her punching bag and said goodbye.

The Script:

Her: So I'm dating this guy who used to be in jail, is married, but his estranged pregnant wife has a restraining order against him and he works at a car wash. Do you think he's right for me?

Me: No, I don't. Doesn't any of his history make you nervous?

Her: Damn it you never support me in anything! Why can't you just be happy for me! <stomps off angrily>

Two weeks later, the phone rings.

Her: Hi, it's me. What's up?

Me: Um, nothing. What's going on with you?

And we'd go on from there like nothing ever happened. I finally got tired of the script, called her on it, she got pissed, waited two weeks and got my answering machine. Never again.
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Respectfully submitted, Gazelle
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  #23  
Old 02-18-2003, 01:47 PM
Guinastasia Guinastasia is offline
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I have a really, REALLY bad feeling about this....

I lost my best friend from high school when we started college. That was about the time I was diagnosed as Obsessive Compulsive and being treated for depression. She was extremely immature about it, blabbing about it to everyone she knew.

She and her mother never understood WHY that would upset me.
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  #24  
Old 02-18-2003, 01:54 PM
Breezy Breezy is offline
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Being dumped by anybody sucks. Sorry to hear it!

BUT, any friend who would "dump" you wasn't a good friend, anyway!
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  #25  
Old 02-18-2003, 02:35 PM
WillSantini WillSantini is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Breezy
BUT, any friend who would "dump" you wasn't a good friend, anyway!
She was the best.
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  #26  
Old 02-18-2003, 09:36 PM
Scotticher Scotticher is offline
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It really hurts to lose a friend, even if you understand why they opted out of the friendship.

Sending prayers and hugs and best wishes your way.

Much Love,

Cheri
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  #27  
Old 02-19-2003, 06:51 AM
calm kiwi calm kiwi is offline
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I know exactly how you feel. I recently lost my best friend of 23 years because of a mistake I made. I am lost without her.
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  #28  
Old 02-19-2003, 09:36 AM
Gorgon Heap Gorgon Heap is offline
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This is depressing. I kinda "lost" my best friend from high school. We had gotten very close and did so much together, it was great.

Then he had sex with my girlfriend. Then he went through these fits of depression. Then he found God and told all of us we were sinners and going to Hell. Then he had more fits of depression. Now he recently got an awful new girlfriend who is a tremendous bitch who refuses to even talk to the rest of us, and whom he has gotten pregnant. A few weeks ago he up and quit his job for no reason at all, stating "I have plenty of money."

Needless to say, we've all given up on him. But I'm really not sorry about it.
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  #29  
Old 02-19-2003, 12:29 PM
yawndave yawndave is offline
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This brings up an interesting question: Should you remain friends with people when you feel that you no longer have a 'connection' with them? The OP suggests that there was an event or situation that precipitated the split. What should you do when you feel that the bond that you have with someone becomes tenous and just sort of evaporates?
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  #30  
Old 02-20-2003, 09:19 PM
calm kiwi calm kiwi is offline
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Which brings up another interesting question, if a friendship is "lifelong" how big a mistake does it take to end it? In my case I stupidly had a one night stand with my best friends ex (ex by more then 2 years) and I immediately admitted my "crime". She feels this is a HUGE crime , I obviously disagree. Am I unreasonable? Is she?
Shit it hurts to lose someone you love over something like this.
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  #31  
Old 02-20-2003, 10:19 PM
Scotticher Scotticher is offline
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Well, here is my take on that situation. Which has no bearing whatsoever on YOURS, since it doesn't matter how *I* feel...what matters is how SHE feels. But here I go anyway.

If she SAID to you....at ANY TIME....don't EVER mess around with any of my ex-lovers...then you violated a trust.

If she DIDN'T ever say that, then I think that after two years she is being unreasonable. If you had done it a few MONTHS after they broke up, I might feel differently...but still, if she never told you NOT to, a case might be made that you did nothing wrong even if it had been a few WEEKS after they broke up.

Of course, I personally would feel that you should have had more sensitivity...had it been a few weeks or six months after they broke up. Two years, with no blanket "DON'T DO IT!" caveat? I think she is being unreasonable.

JMHO.

I'm sorry this happened, and I am sending my best thoughts and prayers your way. I lost one of my best friends in the fall, ( he died, but still....it is kind of the same if they never want to talk to you again, they might as WELL be dead....) and I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love.

Best hugs.
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  #32  
Old 02-22-2003, 05:48 PM
Mercury Mercury is offline
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I would say that once the connection is gone or the bond evaporates, the friendship is over. The hardest thing is when the bond evaporates and then comes back, over and over. In that situation, it's probably better to be honest and end it than to keep your friend constantly wondering where they stand.

-M
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  #33  
Old 02-23-2003, 06:11 PM
calm kiwi calm kiwi is offline
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Thanks for the kind words Scotticher . No she had never said "don't!" but like you said it's about how she feels and I can't change her feelings. It just hurts loosing a friend of 23 years over something like this .
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