Corporate words you hate

[Crafter_Man]

My boss loves to use the word “issue.” Everything is an “issue.” It drives my bonkers.

He also likes to use the words “opportunity” and “ownership” a lot. Grrrr…

What “corporate words” drive you crazy?

I keep a list of such words taped to my office door. I think it needs updated, so I’m turning to dopers for help. Here it is:

Tasked
Effort
Opportunity
Issue
Action Item
Ownership
Synergy
Team
Closure
Capture Data
Define
Identify
Proactive
Logistics
Core
Empower
Activity
Share
Insight
Vision
Leadership
Leverage (as a verb)
Resource
Support
Implement
Potential
Holistic
Organic

Have any to add?

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

I'm in IT, and a software vendor we've been dealing with for the past year uses the term "Parking Lot Issues" to denote the last things you discuss at a meeting. Presumably this term originates from the idea is that everyone is so reluctant to break up the meeting that discussion continues as everybody walks out to their cars.

[Marley23]

Good list. Again, George Carlin likes to talk about a number of words I think of as corporate-speak, even if that's not exactly what some of them are. The whole making-a-noun-into-a-verb thing drives me insane.

Interpersonal is a bad one. But you forgot the biggie:
NETWORK. Especially when it's a verb.

[DeadlyAccurate]

My husband heard a new one the other day: shotgun (as a verb).
As in, "We'll shotgun it to the database load group."

[MLS]

Did you ever take a look at Buzzword Bingo
It was based on a Dilbert cartoon:

If the boss uses a buzzword on your card, you check it off. The objective is to fill a row.
Boss: "You're all very attentive today, my proactive leadership must be working."
"Bingo. Sir."

[hawthorne]

"Around"

Rather than saying "Write us a report about the effects of the blah tax on efficiency and equity" they say "The key deliverable is the circulation of an exposure draft around blah tax issues."

[elfje]

"flexibility" means work the hours we ask you to, don't complain. But they're never flexible with our wages.

"opportuninty for growth" means you'll start off in a junior position, and we'll keep on dumping more and mor work on your desk, whether you like it or not.

but yes, the one I loath is "ownership" especially when it's used to mean "mistake" like this:
Whos prepared to take ownership of this
actually means
who's bloody mistake was this?

urgh
corporations...

[Kalhoun]

If I hear one more person defend their point by prefacing their statement with "Clearly," I'll throttle 'em. It's just so arrogant!

[Contrary]

I hate it when people use perfectly good nouns as verbs.

For example -- the word partner. Ugh -- please work with me, don't partner with me.

[Marley23]

If I hear one more person defend their point by prefacing their statement with "Clearly," I'll throttle 'em. It's just so arrogant!

Ah, good old debating tactics.

[green_bladder]

"Loss" - I've been hearing that word far too often these days

[kasuo]

"Layoff" = "fired", just admit it.

[Second Star to the Right]

I HATE "proactive". "Ownership" is a close second. Oh, and "stepping up to the plate" pisses me off to no end. Gah.

[DaddyTimesTwo]

"paradigm", "resources" used referring to people, I don't really care for mission statements.

[romansperson]

Stakeholder.

I'd like to be holding a stake the next time I hear that one. I know how I'd use it too.

[glilly]

Incent,

a grotesque verb which means roughly "to give [him] an incentive [to] ... "

or

Incentivize,

"to create an incentive..."

[Lizard]

"Outsource" = We're too cheap or lazy to do this ourselves.

"Downsize" = We're going to fire a bunch of people

"Financial incentives" = fat bonuses (not always a bad thing)

"Corporate restructuring" = We're going to fire a bunch of people.

"Can 'hit the ground running'" = We're too cheap or lazy to train you, even a little bit.

"Merger" = We're going to fire a bunch of people

"Ambitious young professional" = Someone young and naive we can exploit

"Relocation" = We're going to fire a bunch of people

[vibrotronica]

I've recently gotten totally sick of the phrase "working with," which seems to crop up in both corporate and government spheres. It goes something like this:

"We have recognized the challenges posed by the large number of rampaging kill-bots in the parking lot and are currently working with the building management to address the issue."

This translates to: "We know that you think we should be doing something about the rampaging kill-bots, but we really don't know what to do and think it's the janitor's problem, anyway, so we called him up and said 'Hey! How 'bout dem kill-bots? Shouldn't you be doing something about them?'"

[Beadalin]

"Going forward..."
Leverage

Those are my most-hated, and my husband (who works for the same company) occasionally uses them at home. I've taken to screaming "LA LA LA LA LA" during the rest of his sentence to make him stop.

Right-sizing as a "nice" word for firing hundreds of people.

Has anyone seen that (I think) Sprite commercial where they use the phrase "strategized markitecture?" Oh my God. I await with horror the day that makes it into the lingo around here. That's the day I set something on fire.

[lachesis]

if anyone mentions "metrics" in my presence, they run the risk of severe bodily injury.

"metrics" = "draw a picture for the bloody @ssh*** who can't bother to read a simple sentence or two"

:: exits, snarling ::


lachesis

[Marley23]

I don't work for a corporation, but let me suggest one:
Golden Parachute.

You hear this on the news a lot, usually with regard to corporate execs who took the money and ran as their companies imploded. Most people think it means "a soft landing, because it is lined with money." Actually, it's "a soft landing with money for you, a golden shower for everybody else."

[Murcielago]

The PC marketing industry now refers to every product as a "solution," e.g. "Here is your new 6.1 Dolby Digital surround sound solution!!!. No, it is a just set of speakers, get over it.

[Marley23]

No, it is a just set of speakers, get over it.

Haha, I like that. Here is your new stereo, which as an added bonus feature is the solution to ALL your problems - not only does it find you a better house, job, car, and a life parter [THERE's another one, by the way], it provides you with a purpose to your life and the meaning behind the whole of existence.

[Murcielago]

that should be "just A set of speakers" A "just set" of speakers would imply something biblical.

[slice]

"Managing expectations." If I hear it one more time I'm going to have to hurt someone.

[Barbarian]

"efforting" <shudder> synonymous with 'trying'. It's worth than "utilizing", for cryin' out loud!

[BurnMeUp]

Originally posted by Spectre of Pithecanthropus
I'm in IT, and a software vendor we've been dealing with for the past year uses the term "Parking Lot Issues" to denote the last things you discuss at a meeting. Presumably this term originates from the idea is that everyone is so reluctant to break up the meeting that discussion continues as everybody walks out to their cars.

Just a side note... a parking lot is not so much cvhatting about it into your cars... the idea is if people start taking an idea or an issue off topic, you "park" the side question issues and treturn to it later. the place where these questions go is the parking lot.

I didn'tmake it up. I swear

[RD]

"downsizing", which originally refered to compact cars now means to fire people.

[overlyverbose]

I can't stand phrases like "on board," "on my plate." "Are you on board with this?" "What's on your plate now?" And another thing I hate hearing is that people are going to "shoot" me an email. Why not write me an email? It's much less violent.

Then there's the "corporate initiative." Why not just say agenda? Or this is what we want to accomplish? I'm only three and a half years out of college. When I started working in the corporate world, it was like working in another country with all the catch phrases that are bandied about. Sheesh. English Comp never prepared me for words like that!

[FranticMad]

"team player" = do what the boss says tells you to do
"strong work ethic" = willing stay at the office 14 hours a day and weekends without getting paid extra, even if there is no work to do
"on the fast track" = team player with a strong work ethic (i.e. a sycophant with no life)
"your investment is..." = my fee is...

[mmjewett]

The term "giving 110%" or any variation thereof that is greater than "100%" absolutely drives me nuts!! Besides, when do I not give my best?

Also using "deltas" outside of a scientific or data context just sounds kinda hokey.

[Netbrian]

"Unfortunately, due to the high number of qualified applicants..."

I can deal with everything but letters prefaced with that. Except possibly nothing at all.

[Snooooopy]

Originally posted by Contrary
I hate it when people use perfectly good nouns as verbs.

For example -- the word partner. Ugh -- please work with me, don't partner with me.

As a friend of mine likes to say, "All nouns can be verbed."

[Typo Negative]

Empower. Do you feel empowered to make decisions?

Sure, but if you make the wrong one, they'll cut your nuts off.

Also proactive and team. And all the other words on the OP's list. It's Orwellian Newspeak. twist the language till it means nothing at all.

[RickJay]

Oh, so many choices.

But my least favourite is "utilize." It's "use," for the love of Christ.

[Marley23]

As per a post above, 'fast-tracking' as a compound verb.

"Let's fast-track this stupid crap!"

Also, almost any abbreviation that ends with 'tech' is going to cause problems.

[Fiddle Peghead]

Originally posted by Contrary
I hate it when people use perfectly good nouns as verbs.

In the same vein, "to status", as in, "I've statused the employees on the situation, and hopefully they will soon resolve it."

[Mama Tiger]

The managing partner of a law firm I worked at called its young associates "RPUs," for "revenue-producing units." And then he had sweatshirts made up with a design of a bar code with "RPU" underneath it.

Safe to say that wasn't his most popular action ever. Talk about dehumanizing.

[glilly]

Originally posted by Murcielago
The PC marketing industry now refers to every product as a "solution," e.g. "Here is your new 6.1 Dolby Digital surround sound solution!!!. No, it is a just set of speakers, get over it.

This one is horrible. It makes my skin crawl especially hearing someone who thinks he deserves to be on the management track saying it in order to sound more management.

But it gets worse. I used to work for an agribusiness giant that had a meat division. What was it called?

MEAT SOLUTIONS!

Got a problem with an unfaithful spouse? We've got a solution! A MEAT solution!

I think that using "solution" like this is ironic since in corporations, there are not problems, just opportunities. So what does the solution solve?

Another is differential used to mean "difference".

[gmarkstephens]

Role as in “that is not my role here” meaning I could probably help but I don’t want to and that is not one of the “deliverables” that my “value” is “measured” on.

OK so let us add VALUE, DELIVERABLES, and MEASURED to ROLE.

Today rather than going to work I have decided that my role will be deliver myself a valuable and immeasurable amount of satisfaction by sitting on my porch and reading Amy Hemple’s Reasons to Live while drinking ice tea.

[Dogface]

Originally posted by kasuo
"Layoff" = "fired", just admit it.

Technically, no.

"Layoff" is a form of "terminated without prejudice".

"Fired" means "terminated with prejudice".

It can make a difference.

[Earl Snake-Hips Tucker]

This was more a matter of jargon that something you hear everyday, but:

When the various NASA people were speaking about the Columbia disaster in the hours and days afterwards, some of them consistently said, "At such-and-such time, this sensor registered and off-scale low."

That might seem proper among the tekkie types, but it makes more sense to say, "We lost this sensor" or "This sensor stopped transmitting."

[Earl Snake-Hips Tucker]

"At such-and-such time, this sensor registered an off-scale low."

[Duke]

Even in the non-profit world, sickening jargon rules OK. My current pet hates are "buy-in"--making sure everyone in the hierarchy agrees with whatever pet project is being pushed at the time--and "pipeline." AS A VERB!