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  #1  
Old 04-11-2000, 11:07 PM
SingleDad SingleDad is offline
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Which means they can't be dirty jokes or bathroom jokes... Good clean fun

A cop sees a guy with a dozen penguins in the bed of his pickup. He pulls the guy over and starts yelling at him, "What the hell are you doing? You can't have these penguins here! You have to take them to the zoo right away!"

The guy says, "Yes sir! I'll do it right away!" and drives off.

The next day, the cop sees the same guy, same pickup, same dozen penguins in the bed only this time they're all wearing sunglasses.

The cop pulls him over, and now he's angry! He says, "What are you doing? I told you to take them to the zoo!"

The guy replies, "I took them to the zoo yesterday; today I'm taking them to the beach!"

------------------
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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  #2  
Old 04-11-2000, 11:26 PM
Surgoshan Surgoshan is offline
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What's long and hard and full of seamen?

OW ow! stop that!

::rubs the egg off his face::

So, these three whores are competing to pleasure a customer

::gets hit in the head with a brick::

------------------
I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail.
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  #3  
Old 04-11-2000, 11:45 PM
Lexicon Lexicon is offline
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A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender yells
"Get out of here, we don't serve your kind!"
And the mushroom says
"Why not? I'm a fun guy."
------------------------
A dog limps into a bar in the wild west, looks around.
He says "I'm lookin' fer the man who done shot my paw."
------------------------
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  #4  
Old 04-11-2000, 11:49 PM
Ruffian Ruffian is offline
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Hey, I teach 8-year-olds, so I hear my share of lame jokes. Doesn't mean I don't laugh at them, though. Like this inane one: Why is six scared of seven? Because seven eight nine. Har har!

------------------
Teaching: The ultimate birth control method.

Laura's Stuff and Things
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  #5  
Old 04-12-2000, 12:17 AM
Pixoid Pixoid is offline
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A rope walks into a restaurant (not a bar, for the 10 yr old). The waiter says, "You'll have to leave--we don't serve ropes here." The rope goes outside and cries, and then rubs himself on the ground and ties himself. He struts back into the restaurant, and the waiter says, "Aren't you that rope I just asked to leave?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Two robins are lying in the sun, basking after a warm meal. Suddenly, a cat jumps out a swallows them both down! He grins and says, "I just love Baskin Robins."

Why did the girl throw butter out the window?
To see a butterfly.

Why did the boy throw a clock out the window?
To see time fly.

Which ants are the biggest?
Gi-ants!

Which animal runs around the room, stealing answers?
A cheetah.

------------------
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(Get your Sig by Wally today!)
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  #6  
Old 04-12-2000, 12:19 AM
Green Bean Green Bean is offline
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Why not bathroom jokes? 10-year-olds love 'em.

Q. If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you go out of the bathroom, what are you when you're IN the bathroom?

A. European!

(say it out loud if you don't get it)
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  #7  
Old 04-12-2000, 12:20 AM
rowrrbazzle rowrrbazzle is offline
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Who was the tallest president?

Dwight D. Eiffeltower.

------------------
...this is another Moebius sig...b!s sn!qaoW jay+oue s! s!y+...
(adaptation of a WallyM7Sig™ a la quadell)

For business reasons, I must preserve the outward signs of sanity. - Mark Twain
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  #8  
Old 04-12-2000, 12:20 AM
Green Bean Green Bean is offline
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Oh yeah--

Q. Where is the biggest pencil in the United States?

A. Pennsylvania!
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  #9  
Old 04-12-2000, 12:24 AM
pluto pluto is offline
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From Paul Harvey the other day:

If you go into the woods where there are black bears or grizzly bears you have to take precautions. For black bears you should wear noisemakers on your clothing, little bells, for example, and carry pepper spray. Look for signs of black bears like fresh droppings. Black bears droppings will contain nuts and berries and are smaller than grizzly bear droppings, which contain little bells and smell like pepper spray.
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  #10  
Old 04-12-2000, 01:25 AM
NothingMan NothingMan is offline
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SD, these may or may not be suitable :

Where do you find a dog with no legs ?

Why, where you left him of course.

What do you do with a dog with no legs ?

Take him for a brisk morning drag.

So what do you name a dog with no legs who sits on the porch all day ?

Matt.

Who plays in leafs ?

Russell.

Who likes the ocean ?

Bob.

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  #11  
Old 04-12-2000, 03:15 AM
sailor sailor is offline
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-How does a tiny man say goodbye?
-With a microwave!


Why was the baby ant so confused?
because all his uncles were ants.


Where do otters come from?
otter space


what did the mother buffalo say to the baby buffalo when he went off to school?
Bye son! (bison)


Why was the archeologist depressed?
his career was in ruins


what did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
Damm!

what did the zero say to the eight?
hey, nice belt!


What did the circus manager say when the human bullet man said he was quitting?
- You can't quit! Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?
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  #12  
Old 04-12-2000, 04:40 AM
Rilchiam Rilchiam is online now
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a wall?

Art.

In a lion's cage?

Claude.

A guy who's been buried for fifty years?

Pete.

A guy with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

Did you hear the vacuum cleaner joke?

It sucks.

The ceiling joke?

Well, it's over your head.
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  #13  
Old 04-12-2000, 05:57 AM
SouthernXYL SouthernXYL is offline
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What kind of horse has its eyes real close together?

A little bitty one.


Two men walked into a bar. The third man ducked.


What has eyes but cannot see, ears but cannot hear, a mouth but can utter no sound, and can jump as high as Mount Everest?

A dead horse. (Mount Everest can't jump either.)
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  #14  
Old 04-12-2000, 06:42 AM
as_u_wish as_u_wish is offline
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

a stick

A dime and a nickel were on a train. The nickel fell off, why didn't the dime?

It had more cents.

BTW, if you really want to hear your ten year old roar with laughter, read Calvin & Hobbes to him/her.

------------------
inconceivable? i don't think that word means what you think it does
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  #15  
Old 04-12-2000, 07:34 AM
malaka malaka is offline
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Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.

Q: What's red and not there?
A: No tomatoes.

1: Knock Knock.
2: Who's there?
1: The interrupting cow.
2: The interr...
1: MOOOO!
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  #16  
Old 04-12-2000, 08:00 AM
Johnny L.A. Johnny L.A. is offline
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Did you hear about the two maggots fighting in dead earnest? (Earnest!)

A skeleton, once, in Khartoum
Invited a ghost up into his room
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
Over who should be frightened of whom

What do flies read in the morning?
The fly paper!

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't! You get down off a duck!

What's the difference between a duck?
Its back-left leg is both the same.

An old woman calls the plumber to fix a leak. While she's waiting, she remembers she needs to go to the store and leaves. The plumber arrives and knocks on the door. The lady's pet parrot says, "Who IS it?"

The plumber says, "It's the plumber!"

"Who IS it?"

"It's the PLUMBER!"

"Who IS it?"

"IT'S THE PLUMBER!"

This goes on until the plumber has a heart attack and dies. The old lady comes home and sees the plumber lying dead on her porch. "Oh, dear!" she cries, "Who IS it?"

"It's the PLUMBER!" replies the parrot!



------------------
"I must leave this planet, if only for an hour." -- Antoine de St. Exupéry

Are you a turtle?
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  #17  
Old 04-12-2000, 08:01 AM
Johnny L.A. Johnny L.A. is offline
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Quote:
Did you hear about the two maggots fighting in dead earnest? (Earnest!)
Of course the joke was earnest/Ernest.



------------------
"I must leave this planet, if only for an hour." -- Antoine de St. Exupéry

Are you a turtle?
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  #18  
Old 04-12-2000, 08:06 AM
Biggirl Biggirl is offline
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Some classic poems from my youth that my children still quote today:

As I was going down the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish that man would go away


Early one morning in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
And came to arrest the two dead boys


Why did the farmer get an award?
Because he was out standing in his field.
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  #19  
Old 04-12-2000, 09:50 AM
Squid Vicious Squid Vicious is offline
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What does an elephant carry in its trunk?

A four foot booger!
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  #20  
Old 04-12-2000, 10:37 AM
Myron Van Horowitzski Myron Van Horowitzski is offline
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More elephant jokes:

How can you tell if an elephant is in your bed?
The ceiling is awful close.

Why did the elephant wear ripple-soled shoes?
To give the ants a 50/50 chance.

How does an elephant climb and oak tree?
Sits on a acorn and waits.

How does he get down again?
Sits on leaf and waits for autumn.

Your elephant brain-in-a-jar,
Myron

------------------
Imbibo, ergo sum.
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  #21  
Old 04-12-2000, 10:44 AM
Joe_Cool Joe_Cool is offline
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Three guys are walking down the street. Two of them walked into a bar, but the third one ducked!

Get it? he ducked.

why did the little kid take a ladder to school?
because he wanted to go to high school.

because it's HIGH school. so he took a ladder.

screw you guys.
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  #22  
Old 04-12-2000, 10:54 AM
Ukulele Ike Ukulele Ike is offline
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SingleDad:

Have you bought a copy of A ROCKET IN MY POCKET: RHYMES AND CHANTS OF YOUNG AMERICANS yet? Originally published in the late '40s, I loved it as a kid in the '60s, my 9-year-old has loved it for five years, and I'm about to read it to my 4-year-old...
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...389969-9256204

------------------
Uke
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  #23  
Old 04-12-2000, 10:59 AM
Beadalin Beadalin is offline
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Hee hee hee! I love these.

Q: What did the hat say to the hat rack?
A: You stay here, I'll go on a head.

And speaking of heads, a Shaggy Dog story:

Once upon a time there was a little boy who had no body, no arms, and no legs. He was very unhappy, because all the other children would tease him unmercifully. One day as he was rolling along to school, he met a fairy on top of a hill.

"Hello, little boy," she said. "I will grant you any three wishes you desire. What is your first wish?"

"Wow!" Exclaimed the little boy. "My first wish is that I had a body." And POOF! He had a body.

"My second wish is that I had legs." And POOF! He had legs.

"And my last wish is that I had arms." And POOF! He had arms. Well, the little boy was so excited that he took off running down the hill, and at the bottom he got hit by a car.

And the moral of the story is, quit while you're a head!


Ha ha!


------------------
"It says, I choo-choo-choose you. And it's got a picture of a train."
-- Ralph Wiggum
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  #24  
Old 04-12-2000, 11:46 AM
SingleDad SingleDad is offline
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Actually, my boys are older (15 and 12) and are starting to have a more sophisticated sense of humor.

I posted this thread just because I like these sorts of jokes. And y'all have been great, these are really funny

May I have permission from you to post the best of these on my web site?

------------------
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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  #25  
Old 04-12-2000, 04:10 PM
OralSuppository OralSuppository is offline
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What is red, slimy, and crawls up your leg?

An abortion with homesickness.
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  #26  
Old 04-12-2000, 04:18 PM
KarlGauss KarlGauss is offline
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My six year-old claims she made this up: What do you call words that you read from right to left. Answer: Backwards

------------------
Not only does God play dice, he cheats!
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  #27  
Old 04-12-2000, 04:26 PM
Absynthetic Absynthetic is offline
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OralSuppository, you should be ashamed of yourself. Not funny.

------------------
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to
pound in the correct screw.
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  #28  
Old 04-12-2000, 04:33 PM
inertia inertia is offline
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Little Willie with a dreadful shout,
Gouged the babies eyeballs out,
He jumped on them and made them pop,
Daddy said, "Willie stop!"


Little Willie in his nice new sashes,
Fell in the fire and burned to ashes,
Now althought the room grows chilly,
I haven't the heart to poke poor Willie.
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  #29  
Old 04-12-2000, 04:41 PM
Munch Munch is offline
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Speaking of made up jokes, I apparently made this one up when I was 4:

Q. Why did the frog jump over the tree?
A. Because the car hit him.

Seems logical to me...
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  #30  
Old 04-12-2000, 04:50 PM
CheapBastid CheapBastid is offline
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Q. What is Brown and Sticky?







A. A Stick.



Q. Why do Seagulls fly over the Sea?





A. If they flew over the Bay they would be Bagels (Bay-Gulls)
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  #31  
Old 04-12-2000, 05:12 PM
casdave casdave is offline
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What's Kermit Frogs middle name a = the

How do you know there's an elephant in your bed

a = there's a big E on his pyjamas

"Mummy mummy , am I really a polar bear?"
" Yes dear "
"Mummy,are you sure?"
"Of course dear"
"Truly?"
"Look ,you've got thick white fur ,a cute little black nose and cute little black eyes-say why do you ask?"
" Cos mum , I'm FREEZING!"
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  #32  
Old 04-12-2000, 06:34 PM
KJ KJ is offline
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Ad addition to the mushroom one:

Q: Why was the mushroom invited to the party?

A: Because he was a fungi.

--------

Q: Why was he asked to leave the party halfway through?

A: Because there wasn't mushroom.

========

A panda walks into a restaurant. He orders a meal, eats it, whips out a shotgun and shoots random people. Then he starts walking out the door. The bar tender gets up from the table he was ducking behind and asks the panda "What the hell was that!?" The panda says "I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender gets out a dictionary and looks up the word and sees:

Panda (PÂN·de) : A black and white bear indiginous to China. Eat shoots and leaves.

(okay, maybe that one's not appropriate for 10-year-olds. Maybe 12-year-olds?)
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  #33  
Old 04-12-2000, 06:36 PM
KJ KJ is offline
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ad = an
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  #34  
Old 04-12-2000, 06:38 PM
KJ KJ is offline
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D****IT!

eat = eats

ò.ó
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  #35  
Old 04-12-2000, 06:42 PM
mangeorge mangeorge is offline
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Where can you get toaster waffles on the beach?
San Diego. (Sandy Eggo)
----------------------------------------
A man opens his 'fridge and sees a wabbit inside.
"What are you doing in my 'fridge, you silly wabbit?" asks the man.
"This is as Westinghouse, isn't it?" say's the wabbit.
"Yea, so" replies the man.
"Well, I'm westing" answers the wabbit.
----------------------------------------
Hey, you said for a 10 yr. old.
Peace,
mangeorge

------------------
Teach your kids to bungee jump.
One them might have to cross a bridge someday.
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  #36  
Old 04-12-2000, 06:45 PM
Persephone Persephone is offline
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This termite walks in to a bar and asks, "Hey, is this bartender?"



------------------
Cristi, Slayer of Peeps

I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.

(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)
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  #37  
Old 04-12-2000, 07:13 PM
tracer tracer is offline
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Someone once got a list of jokes like these from the inside of a kids cereal box. They were so annoyingly insipid, he posted them to rec.humor. Among the jokes were such, ahem, "classics" as these:

What's yellow and always points north?
A magnetic banana.

What's big and gray and puts out forest fires?
Smokey the Elephant.

What looks like a horse and flies?
A flying horse.
(Anyone here get this one?)
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  #38  
Old 04-12-2000, 08:46 PM
ThisYearsGirl ThisYearsGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by zgystardst:
Who was the tallest president?

Dwight D. Eiffeltower.

Hahahahahah! Oh my God, I seriously can't stop laughing over that. It's the funniest thing I've ever read in my life! I love you, Ziggy, and now not just because you're a Bowie fan.

Okay, here's my lame joke--
What did the cow say to the farmer?
Moooo!



------------------
"I need the biggest seed bell you have. . . no, that's too big."--Hans Moleman
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  #39  
Old 04-12-2000, 08:52 PM
Green Bean Green Bean is offline
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Why did the oyster refuse to give up his pearl?

He was shellfish.
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  #40  
Old 04-12-2000, 09:39 PM
Rosebud Rosebud is offline
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A polar bear walks into a diner and sits down at the counter.

"What'll ya have?" says the waitress.

The polar bear is quiet for a full five minutes before replying, "I'd like a cheeseburger."

"Sure," says the waitress, "but why the big pause?"

"I don't know," says the polar bear, "they've always been this way."

------------------
Gamera is really neat, he is full of turtle meat, we've been eating Gam-er-aaaa...
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  #41  
Old 04-13-2000, 12:01 AM
I.M.Kierkegaard I.M.Kierkegaard is offline
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So one day two eggs and a piece of bacon walk into a bar. They approach the bartender and are about to order a drink when the bartender cuts them off. "Sorry, fellas, we don't serve breakfast here."

Or.. something like that.
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  #42  
Old 04-13-2000, 12:23 AM
Doctor Jackson Doctor Jackson is offline
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What has 4 legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree and hit you, you would surely die?

A pool table.

------------------
Sig! Sig a Sog! Sig it loud! Sig it Strog! -- Karen Carpenter with a head cold
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  #43  
Old 04-13-2000, 12:28 AM
Green Bean Green Bean is offline
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A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Hey, why the long face?"
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  #44  
Old 04-13-2000, 12:40 AM
Arnold Winkelried Arnold Winkelried is offline
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An Eskimo is reading "Jack and the Beanstalk" to his young son in the igloo.

He gets to this part: "The ogre walked in the house, smelled Jack and said 'Fee Fie Fo Fum'! I smell the blood of an Englishman', so Jack went to hide in a corner."

The young boy says "Dad, what's what?"

His father says "An ogre is a big giant that likes to eat people."

The young boy says "No, I mean what's a corner?"
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  #45  
Old 04-13-2000, 12:45 AM
Green Bean Green Bean is offline
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So, I was just looking at the latest issueof a jokelist I get twice a week (RWEjokelist - http://rwe.virtualave.net/) and I found this joke:

These two green beans were crossing the hi-way when one of
them was hit by a semi. His buddy scrapes him up and rushed
him to the hospital. After hours of surgery the doctor comes
in and says "I have good news and bad news."

The green bean starts to rejoice and the doctor says, "The
good news is that he's going to live."

"The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his
life."


(Not the best joke ever, but I appreciated it for obvious reasons)


------------------
Back off, man. My brother's a lawyer. (Thanks, Wally!)
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  #46  
Old 04-13-2000, 12:52 AM
NothingMan NothingMan is offline
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I've been giggling myself silly for the last 5 minutes over that igloo joke. Ah.

Here's a classic poem from the strip "Garfield" :

I have a buddy,
my buddy's a toad.
He's kind of muddy,
he's flat on the road.
But he's my buddy . . .
my buddy to stay,
until he peels up
and blows away.
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  #47  
Old 04-13-2000, 12:56 AM
Munch Munch is offline
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Q. What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A. Piiig.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a coke. Bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve ducks here." Next day, the duck comes in and orders a coke. Bartender looks a little perturbed and says, "Listen, I told you yesterday we don't serve ducks. If you ever come in here, I'll...I'll...uh...hammer your feet to this bar." So the next day the duck comes in and asks, "Do you have any nails?" Bartender says, "No we don't have any nails." "Then I'll have a Coke."


------------------
I ask not what you can do for me, but what you can do for me right now.
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  #48  
Old 04-13-2000, 02:48 PM
b-b-b b-b-b is offline
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What does a Triceratops sit on?
It's Tricera-bottom!
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  #49  
Old 04-13-2000, 02:57 PM
Biggirl Biggirl is offline
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My father says I told him this joke when I was 4(I don't remember saying it).

Why do people drink out of cups?
Because Pampers are too dry.

Even as a toddler my logic was impeccable.
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  #50  
Old 04-13-2000, 11:57 PM
Milossarian Milossarian is offline
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Three small pieces of rope decide they want to go to the movie.

The first piece of rope walks up to the box office and says, "Ticket, please."

The guy says, "Sorry, we don't allow rope in here."

The second piece of rope says, "Let me try," and goes up to the box office and asks for a ticket.

Same reply.

The third rope thinks it over, then starts contorting himself and picking at his ends furiously. He walks up to the box office and asks for a ticket.

The guy says, "Hey, weren't you with those other pieces of rope?"

And the rope replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

------------------
"We are here for this -- to make mistakes and to correct ourselves, to withstand the blows and to hand them out." Primo Levi
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