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#1
09-04-2003, 12:07 AM
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Fuck you, my birth mother!
Just to avoid confustion, I am not saying "fuck you" to my wonderful adoptive parents in Buffalo. No, this is to the ditzy girl from Auburn, New York who had unprotected sex sometime in 1965, the end result being me.
Why should I say "fuck you?" Yeah, I should be lucky that you didn't abort me. That's not relevant, though. You see, when you go looking for the kid that you put up for adoption, you should be prepared for the consequences, the Pandora's box that may open. Especially considering that you eventually married my birth father, and had three other kids ... two sons, and a daughter. Met you. Reunion went wonderfully, on the surface. Met your sons, my brothers. Went well, although I felt a bit awkward. However, now you decide that you will never, never, ever, ever tell my sister about my existence. Why? Because ... you're afraid she'll get mad at you for keeping a secret for so long, and that since she just graduated from RIT, she'll experience emotional stress. Lovely. Growing up as an only child, you dangle SIBLINGS in front of my face, and then ... YANK! Pull one of them away, beyond my reach. WHAT A FUCKING TEASE. Sure, you're avoiding a situation where a daughter might be mad at you for a few weeks, and the awkwardness of having to explain why you told the sons but not her earlier. Still, though, that's nothing compared to the torment of knowing that I have a sister who will never, ever know of my existence. Thanks ... treating me like the bastard child that I am. What else? Well, one thing I feared most in my life was being alone after my adoptive parents pass away. You see, they're in their mid-70s, and not in great health anymore. I have a very small, loose extended family, with no immediate aunts, uncles or cousins. I'm not married, and it looks unlikely that I ever will get hitched. You're ... what, 55 years old? You told me that I'd never have to worry about being alone again? Now, though, since I'm this big secret, that's out the window. Another thing dangled in front of my face ... the security of knowing that I won't be floating alone in the world in ten or so years, gone. Here's the deal, birth mom. You tell my sister about me. If you don't ... so long Dan, or Christopher Michael as it says on my other birth certificate. Looks like the novelty of finding your long-lost son wore off, huh? Bitch. 
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#2
09-04-2003, 12:11 AM
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Oh how cruel.
How are her sons supposed to keep this a secret though? I mean, it is very unfair to ask that of them. If your birth mom wasn't sure about ALL of your sibs knowing, she shouldn't have told ANY of them, IMO.
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#3
09-04-2003, 12:15 AM
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I am so sorry for what you are going through. Why did she want to see you in the first place then?
Just hold onto the love of your real parents, the ones who brought you up. It's not blood that matters, it's love. I have two second cousins whose DNA came from South Korea. But damn, they are written into the family tree and they are family!
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#4
09-04-2003, 12:23 AM
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Re: Fuck you, my birth mother!
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#5
09-04-2003, 12:31 AM
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Re: Re: Fuck you, my birth mother!
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Right now it's ... Status quo: birth mom, two brothers, no sister Contact sister: sister, no birth mom, no brothers Personally, I'd rather have all or nothing. If it's nothing, though, I would probably feel like I'd have to take vengeance ... so that means contacting my birth mom's sisters and brothers, and turning Central New York into a war zone. I don't know ...
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#6
09-04-2003, 12:39 AM
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 Still, though, they are old. When they go, I'll be alone. There's friends, but little family. My birth mom promised me that I would never have to worry about feeling alone ... there's siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, the whole tight extended family that I don't have. However, if I'm still the bastard child, a secret that she's not willing to reveal to her daughter, much less other relatives, I can forget about not feeling alone. Before "d-day," as I call it, being alone in the near future was one of my biggest worries. For a while, that black veil was lifted. Now, though, it's back, along with knowing that there's another family out there, a huge fork off of my otherwise Charlie Brown-sized family tree.
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#7
09-04-2003, 12:48 AM
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B-mom's e-mail, from a few days ago.
Sa*** is fine and seeking a job .....She does not know about you and may not ever ....Sorry Dan....just can't do it!!!....I know it's difficult for you to understand..Your life has been honest and comfortable with your wonderful parents..I have lived this secret (lie) for so long that I just can't disrupt her life with this story..Sc*** and Sh*** know..... but don't seem to want to pursue adding the sharing of this secret to their lives....I know this is painful for you, but it doesn't solve any mystery that know one knows about... Our lives have been strained just having Mike in them for all of the years....The secret of you adds to the torment of him and how he treated all of us....I am sparing Sa*** anymore...... I am so sorry...I thought it might be different, but it can't be... Fucking weak insecure bitch.
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#8
09-04-2003, 12:52 AM
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elmwood that's really sad. Do you have a therapist involved with the reunion or anyone who could mediate with your mother? I cannot imagine that keeping this kind of secret is healthy for anyone in her family and with your brothers knowing, sooner or later it must come into the open. Where's your birth father in all this?
I'm so sorry this is happening for you, I cannot imagine many crueller things in the context of reunion. I hope you can find a solution.
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#9
09-04-2003, 01:11 AM
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What a completely fucked-up thing to do to your own child! The woman's fifty-five and she's still not owning up to the consequences of her actions, or showing you the consideration you deserve.
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 What the hell was she hoping to do by insinuating herself into your life and then trying to keep you in the background, seperate from the family that you are, by blood, a full part of! She's not concerned about anyone but herself, no matter what excuses she pulls out. It's not her sister's life she's concerned with, it's how she'll look in your sister's eyes. I know that's a lot of assumptions for me to make, but this is the Pit and self-centered parents get under my skin something awful. [[[HUGSforelmwood]]] Suzene
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#10
09-04-2003, 01:12 AM
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Sounds like my mom. I feel for you, man.
__________________
All generalizations are wrong, including this one. -George Carlin (1937-2008)
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#11
09-04-2003, 01:15 AM
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You know, if Birth Mother waits, and tells the daughter later but daughter finds out that the brothers found out quite a while before she did, that's going to cause problems. If Birth Mother waits, and the daughter finds out from any source other than Birth Mother before Birth Mother makes up her mind to start telling the whole truth, that's going to cause even greater problems. Sister is an adult, probably 21 or 22 given that she's just graduated from college. She's obviously intelligent, having attended RIT. The concept of keeping her in the dark for her own good is spurious -- this is about Birth Mother's feelings, not sister's, and that just sucks.
elmwood, I hope that something changes, perhaps your brothers will decide that sister should be told. Perhaps Birth Mother will grow a spine. Maybe sister will do some snooping to figure out the secret that everyone around her seems to know, and will contact you herself. Whatever result comes of all of this, you'll be in my thoughts. I'm terribly sorry that you've been treated this way.
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#13
09-04-2003, 01:39 AM
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Sorry to hear how things have been for you.
Here's something for you to consider: You've met the extended family you never had before. THey are going to keep the secret from one of them, effectively rubbing you out of the picture. Why not just reach out to her? You may lose them, but you say you've already lost them if you can't have the remaining sibling anyways. Sam
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#14
09-04-2003, 02:01 AM
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elmwood.
I remember not that long ago, when you thought you'd found her. You posted in MPSIMS. I encouraged you to keep going. To make contact. I was thrilled for you. Why? Because I myself am a birthmother. And a reunited adoptee. And the sibling of an adoptee (my mom relinquished a child also). I'm also had two more children (that I'm raising), and I'm also raising my stepson (yes, raising--he lives with my husband and me). So all I can say to you right now is...chill, man. Of course you want to be reunited with your sister. And you will be. Just not right now, okay? Your birthmother didn't raise you. But she DID raise your sister. Your birthmother knows your sister better than you do. Your birthmother had to make a choice, man. And I don't mean at your birth--I mean NOW. She had to think about you, and about your sister. She had to think about each of her children, and how to tell them about this. Their personalities. How they'd deal with it. I'm sure she hoped they'd deal with it the way she actually WANTED them to (that is, in a positive manner), but I know for sure she had doubts. But the one thing she always knew--ALWAYS knew--was that YOU HAVE PARENTS WHO LOVE YOU. If she had to pick a child to give short shrift to, it HAD to be you. Yes, it sucks total ass. But it was the lesser of two evils. She'll cope with you being madder than hell at her, because she will always know that YOU HAVE PARENTS WHO LOVE YOU. She had a decision to make, based on what she knows about the child she DID raise, and the child she DIDN'T. And she made her decision, knowing full bloody well that you would NOT like it. But she also knows full bloody well that even if you walk away from her forever, you'll be happy eventually, because YOU'RE STILL SUCKING AIR, AND YOU HAVE A FAMILY THAT LOVES YOU. And she can live with that. No doubt it hurts her, but as a birthmother I can say this: if the daughter I relinquished 14 years ago ever walked up to me and said "Cristi, you suck, I hate you, and I never want to see you again," well, I'd deal. It'd suck hugely, but I'd live. Because I would know that my child was part of a family she loved, and that loved her just as much as I do. And your birthmother will give you up NOW just like she did when you were born, for the same reasons. Because you will have a better life if she does it. Yes. If you walk away because she says it's not time for you to meet your sister, she will let you. She'll be sad, and she'll try to fix it, but in the long run, she'll do what's best for the both of you, and that is to let you go yet again. So please, elmwood, step back and think. Just breathe, think, and cool off. I'm not saying you have no right to be angry, or that you have no right to your sister. Because you DO, on BOTH counts. But try and see it through your birthmother's eyes for a minute. And please, please, please, do NOT stop talking to your birthmother. Express your anger to her. Tell her what you feel and why you feel it, and please LISTEN to what she has to say. Her reasoning might not make sense to YOU, but in her eyes, it might be precisely the right thing to do, right now, at this point in time. Maybe she's wrong. Maybe you're wrong. I don't know. But if you stop talking to her, you won't find out, nor will either of you be moved one way or the other. My email is my profile. Please feel free to contact me anytime. Even if it's to say terrible things. I'm here, man. All the best, Cristi
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#15
09-04-2003, 07:17 AM
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elmwood,
I'm very sorry. Listen to Cristi - she has a lot of good advice. Blow off steam here, but don't do anything rash to shut doors. I, too, am intertwined in the adoption triad - an adoptive mom, the daughter of an adoptee, the daughter in law of a birth mom. Also, take a look at the expectations you have for your birth family. They don't seem realistic to me. My sister-in-law (the child my mother in law placed for adoption 40-odd years ago), does not integrate seamlessly into the birthfamily (like you and your sibs, my husband, brother-in-law and her are full sibs) - and she has been part of it for over twenty years. We've all tried, but twenty years post reunion it is still awkward, she still feels left out. She feels more like an in-law to my husband than a sister - he is closer to his cousins. And to the cousins/aunts/uncles she is still more distant. Adult siblings are strange - even the ones you grew up with. I'm close to mine - and I haven't talked to my baby sister in three months. My father hasn't talked to his brother in years. If you are afraid of being alone, cultivate your friendships - those people are there for you by choice, not by duty, and that is far more meaningful.
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#17
09-04-2003, 09:08 AM
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You think she's a weak, insecure bitch. The people you are so desperate to have - rather than be alone - were raised by her.
Are you sure you know what kind of family you're walking into? Half the posts in the Pit are some form of complaint about family. You're in the unique position of being able to choose your family, so to speak. You're meeting these people as an adult. You get to evaluate them as an adult. You can choose to walk away as an adult. It may be better for your mental health to be alone than to be manipulated by these people.
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#18
09-04-2003, 10:01 AM
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Much in the vein of what Persephone wrote, I would just enjoy the newfound relationship with your birth mother and brothers and just wait. At this point too many people in that family now know about you--and a secret (well, ex-secret, really) like that is hard to keep from your sister. Or it should prove to be at any rate.
If you contact your sister yourself--against the wishes of your birth mother--you take the chance of alienating your birth family. If you let the naturalness of loose lips and sinking ships take over, your birth brothers will more than likely blab all to your birth sister. At that point, her knowledge of you will not have come from you, so your birth mom won't feel like she has a reason to halt what could prove to be a great relartionship (or set of relationships) between you and your birth family. And if your birth mom is weak and insecure as MrMyth and you have proclaimed (although, my guess would be that she's just confused by this all; she may be the "mother" in this, but keep in mind she's running the rails on an emotional roller coaster, too), then I doubt anything you say in anger or as an ultimatum is going to change that. Patience is the key here--if you'll pardon the cliche. And if you need anything, remember that I'm in your town; send me an e-mail and we can meet up if you'd like--or just talk.
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#22
09-04-2003, 11:12 AM
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No offense intended.
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#24
09-04-2003, 12:25 PM
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Well, Persephone, it's all well and good for you to say that this selfish bitch is looking out for elmwood, but if she had even the merest three brain cells to rub together, she would have thought all of this out before she contacted him.
What effect did she think it was going to have, getting in touch with a long-lost son only to tell him that, for the sake of family harmony, he still has to be the dirty little secret? It's not like it's a simple matter of not telling the daughter and still introducing elmwood around to everyone else; the fact is, for the secret to successful, he will have to be kept away from all family gatherings, and probably all the family except the mother and two sons. I understand that this woman probably knows the way her daughter thinks, and that she's concerned about the effects this news might have on her, but if she wasn't willing to bring him fully into the family right now, she should have left him the fuck alone until she was ready. Despite your protestations to the contrary, Persephone, it sounds like this woman is thinking more about herself than she is about anyone else. And elmwood, i wish you all the best in this awful situation. I'd probably ride it out a little longer, because i think that SkipMagic's "loose lips and sinking ships" observation is right on the mark. Families often have secrets, but i think it's hard to keep something like this quiet, especially among siblings. If time and/or family gossip don't change things, however, i'd be tempted to contact your sister if i were you. I know that this might sour the relatinship with the rest of the family, but if it were me in your position, i'd have a real problem having a decent relationship with my birth mother under the circumstances that you describe. I would be very bitter about the way she handled the whole reunion experience. But that's just me. Good luck.
__________________
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the Andes and i had to eat him.
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#25
09-04-2003, 02:01 PM
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Having kids is a gamble. Whether you raise them yourself, or you make the decision to place them with adoptive parents, that in many states, you can choose yourself and meet with before the child is born. Unless you have a crystal ball that can tell you the outcome of an adoption 20 years down the road, foreseeing a 'meltdown like this' is not only improbable, but also unlikely, as there are many happy endings that we don't always hear about. Not knowing you, or your background, I can only hope that you have never had to contemplate giving up a child. If the selfish reason given above is your deciding factor, and not the health and well-being of the child, then your head and heart aren't where they need to be. elmwood, your birthmother should never have agreed to a reunion if she wasn't prepared to have you meet and become part of her entire family. I realize that doesn't do much for the pain your are feeling, but just as the decision she made when she gave birth to you was hers, so is this one. Luckily, unlike the decision she made when you were born, you have a say in this one. Or a course of action, at least. Keep in touch with your brothers if they are agreeable to that, but distance yourself from her, and make sure she understands your reasons why. She can't make decisions for you, but she can be made to understand that her decision will have consequences where you and your siblings are concerned, and they may not be pleasant ones. Best wishes to you, and feel free to email me if you want to talk. My address is in my profile. I am a birthmother, and the way yours has treated you makes my heart sick.
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#26
09-04-2003, 02:13 PM
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mhendo -
Bullshit. In most adoption contact situations you have very little information to work from. She and he contacted each other. It is possible that one or both of them would like: 1) Mearly to touch base, say "I'm well" and move on 2) Want to pass on health information 3) Establish a one on one relationship that does not extend beyond themselves 4) Establish a bigger relationship 5) Pick up like nothing ever happened and create a family Sounds to me like elmwood has his sights someplace between 4 and 5 and birthmom is realistically between 1 and 4 (although she also may harbor hopes that they'd be able to get to 5). Is it selfish if she only wants to let him know she is ok and want to know he is ok? She probably hasn't thought everything out - it may have been years between her deciding to start and search and her and elmwood getting into contact - the contact part she may not have a lot of control over when it happens. This situation with his sister could be a momentary glitch - when she gets over this current stress, birthmom may tell her. There may be something going on that wasn't happening when the search was started. This sort of disconnect happens all the time between adoptees and birthparents - its a normal part of the reunion process - establishing these boundries and expectations. And very often each individual has different boundries and expectations. Adoption reunions are anything but the magical moment seen in the "movie of the week" or covered in Good Housekeeping magazines. Realistically, they are messy, disappointing, fulfilling, wonderful and horrible experiences that create complex relationships that take a lot of time to sort out. Everyone has mixed feelings - often neither birthmom nor adoptee has completely forgiven the birthmom for the adoption. For my husband, having a sister that was not raised in the same house because his dad was too darn selfish for a baby, discovering that his sister is a conservative Christian (he - and the whole family are liberal atheists), trying to work her into the family - well the whole situation kind of screams "dysfunctional." And its been TWENTY YEARS since contact was established. And NOBODY has done anything but work to make the situation work (well, except my sister in laws adoptive mother - who was very jealous and did everything she could to undermine the relationships my sister in law tried to establish with her birth family. Oh, and my asshat of a father in law, who is less interested in her now than when she was born). (Which reminds me, elmwood, you may want to contact an adoption agency or counselor that can help with reunion issues and perhaps reunion mediation. They are out there).
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#29
09-04-2003, 05:37 PM
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Dangerosa:
Whatever. She chose to make the contact, and she should have thought things out in advance. Your suggestion that "she only wants to let him know she is ok and want to know he is ok" is a bit disingenuous, considering that we have been told that she promised him that he would "never have to worry about feeling alone," implying that he would be a part of the family, or at least would be friends with the family. To then say that she can "never, never, ever, ever" tell his own sister that he even exists is pretty fucked up in my opinion. She would have been kinder to leave him alone until she worked out how to really iintroduce him to the whole family. No-one ever said that these things are easy, or that they all go like fairy tales, but her lack of consideration and foresight has had hurtful consequences. And if elmwood's story is the way it happened, then the main reason she has for not telling the daughter is that the daughter might get angry at the mother for having kept it a secret for so long. Well, that's certainly something she could have thought of long ago. My opinion is that the whole "just graduated from RIT so she'll be stressed" thing is nothing more than plain old sophistry to justify a selfish decision. So what if she just graduated from college? Tens of thousands of Americans do that every year. As TeaElle argued, the fact that she managed to graduate suggests that she's an intelligent adult who should be able to evaluate the situation and understand why things happened the way they did. I make absolutely no judgements about the woman's decision to give elmwood up for adoption all those years ago; such decisions are very hard and should not be second-guessed. But, having been given a second chance to get to know him, she then just ends up hurting him again though selfishness, thoughtlessness, or lack of planning. And that just sucks, IMO.
__________________
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the Andes and i had to eat him.
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#30
09-04-2003, 06:17 PM
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He said in the OP that his birthmother is 55 years old. Well, my own mother is 56. She gave up a daughter for adoption 37 years ago (my older sister, with whom we were reunited in 1988). I never knew about my sister until the day we met. Why? Because things were different in 1966, when my sister was born. Adoptions were closed, and you didn't talk about them. My mom was afraid she'd let us down by telling us. She'd raised us to not have that sort of thing happen, you know? Well, it did anyway. To me. And I chose an open adoption. And my mother was with me every step of the way. But still, she didn't tell me about my sister, because now I was the one who had a choice to make (I was 20--old enough to make the choice), and she didn't want to influence me. She'd have stood by me no matter what I'd chosen (and she has since then, trust me). But two months after I relinquished my daughter, my sister showed up. It's been wonderful. But. I'm not talking out of my ass when I try and tell elmwood what I think might be going on. I've been through it. With my own daughter, and my own mother. It was joyous at first. Then it got shaky. Now it's great. Because no one stopped talking. No one stopped sharing. No one did anything in anger to hurt anyone. We talked. Sometimes we screamed and cried got really really mad, but we worked our shit out. That's all I'm suggesting that elmwood do. Stepping back for a bit won't hurt. But walking out completely might.
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#31
09-04-2003, 06:31 PM
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Elmwood, my SO went through a similar situation upon meeting his birth mother. The only twist is that she'll call him every so often for them to have lunch (or whatever), then doesn't show. No explanation. She does it time and again, putting SO through the emotional wringer.
He finally decided that the pain wasn't worth in fostering any sort of relationship with her. Does it bring up a lot of issues? Hell, yes! Sometimes I wonder why she found him in the first place. Their initial meeting not only raised a lot of issues around why he was adopted and his sister wasn't (birth mother kept her), but also fractured SO's relationship with his family, and, more import, his sense of self. I've never met the woman. I'm sure she must've had conflicting feelings contacting him. But seeing what her contacting SO did to him... (((((Elmwood))))))
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#32
09-04-2003, 07:38 PM
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Me, I'd like to head to 4 eventually, but right now it's 3.5. It's hard bonding with brothers, when you have grown up an only child. The thing is ... early on, there were all these promises of a new extended family, with closer bonds after my parents pass away; I couldn't think of my borth mom as "mom," but there was the promises of a support network that would have otherwise been nonexistent when my parents pass away. Now, though, there's no prospect of that. That's one of the things that bothers me ... the PROMISES that my future would not be lonely, only to be told later that .... oops, I think of you as a "lie" and a "secret," code words for "bastard child whose existence shall not be mentioned.
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#33
09-04-2003, 08:01 PM
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Personally, I think the biggest remedy to her hesitation at this point will be if (and "when", hopefully) your sister finds out about you (assuming she hears about it from her mom or your brothers). I don't know her, but if she has the smarts to finish college, my guess is that she has the smarts to deal with a brother she never knew. Once your birth mom sees that, she'll probably shed a lot of her doubts, fears and personal roadblocks. Like it has been mentioned: this is new for the both of you, so taking it slow and heaping tons of patience on your birth mom will probably prove to be the best course of action (or inaction as it is). If you rush things, they (or she) might pull away for fear of her or the kids she has raised being hurt. Also keep in mind that your birth mom as of yet doesn't know you as a person, so any decisions she makes now are largely based on her fears, doubts and personal baggage. She doesn't know enough of you yet to make personal judgements (at least valid ones), so--hard as it may be--try not to take these relatively "sudden" hesitations on her part to be a condemnation of you. After all, you didn't spin your head and throw up split-pea soup at our Dopefest, so that's a bonus character trait. 
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#34
09-04-2003, 08:08 PM
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Thanks for the hugs, everybody.
Right now, I'm in Buffalo, with the 'rents. Skip, I'll be heading back to KC on Sunday, arriving on Monday night. Tomorrow, I'm going to draft a letter to the birth mother. Really, I'm amazed at the rational thought that is behind many of these posts. It gives me a lot of ideas about how to collect my thoughts, what to say. Adoptive Mom -- REAL MOM -- is pretty POed as well. She thinks my birth mother's actions are cruel, selfish, and very illogical. Why let the sons know, her best friend know, her mother know, but not my sister, her daughter? We mulled this over lunch, and came up with only two things that make sense. 1) Birth mom really is incredibly selfish, in valuing her short term inconvenience over a slightly miffed daughter more than the long-term torment that I'll face. 2) My sister could have gotten pregnant in high school or college. Birth mom forced my sister to have an abortion. If my sister finds out about me, she'll be very resentful of her mother's actions ... "Why did I have to give up my kid, when you had yours?" Purely speculative, of course. The past few days, my 'rents have never heard me swear so much. Most of the profanity was in reference to birth mom.
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#35
09-04-2003, 08:18 PM
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Thanks for the hugs, everybody.
Right now, I'm in Buffalo, with the 'rents. Skip, I'll be heading back to KC on Sunday, arriving on Monday night. Tomorrow, I'm going to draft a letter to the birth mother. Really, I'm amazed at the rational thought that is behind many of these posts. It gives me a lot of ideas about how to collect my thoughts, what to say. Adoptive Mom -- REAL MOM -- is pretty POed as well. She thinks my birth mother's actions are cruel, selfish, and very illogical. Why let the sons know, her best friend know, her mother know, but not my sister, her daughter? We mulled this over lunch, and came up with only two things that make sense. 1) Birth mom really is incredibly selfish, in valuing her short term inconvenience over a slightly miffed daughter more than the long-term torment that I'll face. 2) My sister could have gotten pregnant in high school or college. Birth mom forced my sister to have an abortion. If my sister finds out about me, she'll be very resentful of her mother's actions ... "Why did I have to give up my kid, when you had yours?" Purely speculative, of course. The past few days, my 'rents have never heard me swear so much. Most of the profanity was in reference to birth mom.
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#36
09-04-2003, 08:33 PM
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Thanks for the hugs, everybody.
Right now, I'm in Buffalo, with the 'rents. Skip, I'll be heading back to KC on Sunday, arriving on Monday night. Tomorrow, I'm going to draft a letter to the birth mother. Really, I'm amazed at the rational thought that is behind many of these posts. It gives me a lot of ideas about how to collect my thoughts, what to say. Adoptive Mom -- REAL MOM -- is pretty POed as well. She thinks my birth mother's actions are cruel, selfish, and very illogical. Why let the sons know, her best friend know, her mother know, but not my sister, her daughter? We mulled this over lunch, and came up with only two things that make sense. 1) Birth mom really is incredibly selfish, in valuing her short term inconvenience over a slightly miffed daughter more than the long-term torment that I'll face. 2) My sister could have gotten pregnant in high school or college. Birth mom forced my sister to have an abortion. If my sister finds out about me, she'll be very resentful of her mother's actions ... "Why did I have to give up my kid, when you had yours?" Purely speculative, of course. The past few days, my 'rents have never heard me swear so much. Most of the profanity was in reference to birth mom.
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#37
09-04-2003, 09:11 PM
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Perhaps birthmother just didn't <i>want</i> her kids to deal with the trauma of unwanted pregnancy. So she tried to get them to avoid it altogether instead. I was 16 when my mom learned that I was sexually active. My mom didn't tell me about my sister then. Because she knew then, and I know now, that I'd have taken it as a "my mom did it, and she survived" type of green light. No, my mom never tried to convince me that she was pure and virginal. She really didn't say anything about what she was like when she was my age. See, she was in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. She didn't want me to go through what she'd gone through, but like I said, telling me that she too had been sexually active would have come across as the "do as I say, not as I did" sort of hypocrisy that drives teenagers absolutely batshit. But if she'd told me that she'd gotten pregnant too, she knew I'd think (at the time) "well, my mom lived. So will I." I didn't understand what a hard spot my mom had been in with me until I met my sister. My mother had been my staunchest supporter when I made an adoption plan. But I know that it broke her heart--not so much that I was pregnant, but that I was having to make the decision as to what to do with that pregnancy. But, I was 20. She couldn't tell me what to do, like her parents had done. Then my sister came along. When my mom told me, all I could do was cry and hug her and say "you gave a baby up for adoption too! You knew all along what I was going through!" I knew why she hadn't been angry, and why she hadn't abandoned me, even though she had tried so hard to learn me how NOT to get pregnant. It's a combination of a lot of things. Trying to set a good example for your kids, even though you haven't been one in the past, is something your kids will see as hypocrisy. Because kids see things in black and white, not gray like us grown-ups do. And there's the shame. The shame I'm sure she felt back when you were born. I don't know your birthmother. So maybe she is selfish and immature. But if she's been looking for you for 15 years...do you really think she hasn't imagined every possible scenario? Again, maybe her way isn't the best way. And I do agree with you being pissed off about it. But you might want to rethink your opinion just a tad. Write your letter to her. Then pitch it and write it again. Then pitch that one and write it again. And keep doing that until what you've got in front of you comes out as rational, righteous, well-expressed anger instead of venomous hatred. It's like Great Debates. Share your view, express your opinion, and back it up honestly (although in your letter to her, you obviously don't have to provide actual cites)...and maybe you'll get her to change her mind. Good luck to you. Oh, and have I told you how much I loathe the terms "real" and "natural" when it comes to parents? It implies that one or the other set of parents is "unreal" or "unnatural" in some way. You have a mom, and you have a birthmother (or biological mother--some people prefer that term). So just refer to your adoptive mom (argh...sometimes even using the term "adoptive" grates on me) as your "mom," and we'll know who you're talking about. 
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#38
09-04-2003, 11:55 PM
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Man, that is so fucked up. What a jerk.
I know this doesn't help, but I mean it, and hope you will take it to heart: this person is absolutely not worth having in your life. At all. I don't fault her for giving you up to begin with. There are all kinds of reasons that women do this, and it is always an extremely difficult decision. But she was actively looking for you for over a decade, and then when she finds you, she will only accept you on her own terms. That is just bad parenting. I don't think she's a bad person, but I do think she's really screwed up. If this is how she's treating you, who needs it? Human relationships should be nurturing, and not only should we feel safe with the people closest to us (and who mean the most to us), but we should be able to learn from them (and they from us) and grow with them (ditto). This won't help, either, at least not right now, but it's also true: There are many, many people in the world (or in this country, anyway) who, for one reason or another, have to divorce themselves from their families, and make new families by choosing people who love, admire, and accept them. It's a big world out there, and there are better people. Believe me, life is way too short to spend time with people like this woman who happened to give birth to you. I think qts gave the very best advice: Quote:
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#39
09-05-2003, 12:01 AM
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And another thing: it's really important to realize that your mom's refusal to be open with the entire family has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is about whatever convoluted and no doubt very messed up relationship she has with her daughter.
Although she's rejecting you in a not-very-subtle way, it's about her, and her anxieties, and her inability to achieve healthy adulthood. Too bad for her that she hasn't figured out how to put her children's needs and feelings first.
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#40
09-05-2003, 12:04 AM
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#41
09-05-2003, 12:56 AM
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Maybe its seeing this through my mother in law's and my husband's eyes, but I tend to agree with Christi. Maybe your birthmom is being selfish and fucked up. But maybe she is trying to protect your sister from something she thinks will be harmful. It certainly was not easy for my husband to have a sister dropped in his lap, and, I suspect if my mother in law had been LESS selfish about the situation, my sister in law would have been kept at arms length from the family until the boys were old enough and stable enough (their sister came into their lives when they were eleven and twelve and their mother was divorcing their father - not the best timing - and the combination screwed them both over for a long time). I know this isn't your situation, sounds like you sister is a young adult, but there may be background here you are unaware of.
It sounds to me like birthmom is very conflicted. She wants you to know everyone, she doesn't want to have to re-experience the guilt and shame she went through 35 years ago. She wants honesty, but to have it she needs to admit to her daughter (and likely other relatives) that she has been lying her whole life. She wants to be able to give you some of what she couldn't give you then, but she doesn't want to fuck up again. She wants you close, but doesn't want to risk losing you all over so pushes you away. She doesn't want to risk hurting herself or her family if you turn out to be a flake, yet she really wants a relationship with you. She's spent fifteen years developing reunion fantasies in her head (and probably she's been doing it for your whole life), and now presented with reality she needs to start facing the reality - when is never as pleasant as the fantasies. Given the situation, this doesn't seem fucked up or selfish - it seems very normal. Yes, its inconsistant as hell - but I've been remarkably inconsistant in my feelings about many less important things in my life. If her relationship with her daughter is rocky, or her daughter is less than stable, wanting to put off telling her until she sees how you and your brothers work things out may be not selfish at all, but very wise. On the other hand, she may just be selfish and fucked up. I'm hoping the benefit of the doubt is warrented and patience and communication pay off for you elmwood.
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#42
09-05-2003, 08:05 AM
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I would say that you've got a complete right to be blindingly angry.
I will also suggest that you not make any decisions or take any actions while the anger is clouding your vision. Your birth mom may be incredibly selfish--or she may be horribly conflicted between love and fear. We can all sit around speculating on why she has done what she has done, but you will never really know the true reasons (if even she understands them) until you have learned more of her personality and her life situation. (Whatever she tells you is going to pass through those filters and lenses, so even her most honest attempt to tell you may not be accurate in any objective way.) You are young, your mother is young, and your siblings are young. The initial contact has been made, but you still have time for your birth mom to change her mind (or come to her senses). Any overtly hostile act, now, will reduce the chances of her eventually doing the right thing. (She is, as previously noted, already on shaky ground. It is extremely unlikely that your sister will never hear of your existence, now that your birth mom has shared that secret. Forcing that issue while your birth mom is in turmoil will only lead to more problems, later. When talking/writing with her, you might want to gently make that point--that a secret shared is no longer a secret--but without implying or threatening that you will be the one who will tell your sister.) Note that I am not telling you that you should not be angry. I am, however, recommending that you not take any action based on anger.
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#43
09-05-2003, 03:31 PM
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elmwood, you're in a horrible situation. Here's hoping and best wishes that it all shakes out in a way that's healthy and agreeable to you.
However, I would caution against thinking of your newfound family as "family." I understand your concern and fear about being alone, but you need to remember that blood relation or not, you don't know these people. They may not welcome you with open arms when the whole truth comes out (as it will, I really have little doubt) due to past experiences you don't know about. Your extended family may never get to know you well at all due to distance or existing bad feelings between branches. You might have nothing in common, nothing to say to each other. Likely you'll have different backgrounds and educational levels; you may be entirely unable to relate to one another. They may not like you, or you may not like them. Be careful of instantly thinking about them as "family," with all the connotations that brings. Perhaps instead, think of them as "people I don't know but would like to." Maybe this will help with your anguish about not being able to meet your sister, and with the "dirty secret" you're feeling about yourself. You're a good person, with strong ties to your parents and your friends. You're not any "dirty secret" and you shouldn't feel as if you are. That's your other mom's problem, not yours - don't let it make you feel bad about yourself. Try to remember that they may be blood, but they're *not* family. At least, not yet, and not unless you choose to make it so. Instead, go to a Dope and find people that you can make into your family, for certain. Best of luck - and good wishes. Snicks
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#44
09-05-2003, 06:50 PM
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At the risk of major flamage, I have to disagree with those who keep saying that elmwood’s birth mother is acting out of “love.”
My background is that I am an adopted child, who was adopted into an abusive family. My mother was verbally abusive and took out her every stress on me in every possible way when I was growing up. I considered suicide as early as 6th grade. Not every kid who is adopted receives a “better life.” I know birth mothers do not want to hear this... but... Almost all adoptive children have to deal with some degree of feeling rejected by their birth parents. While elmwood did not state that, he may be feeling (at some level) that rejection... especially since she ended up marrying and having more kids with his birth father. (ie, why did you dump me if you married the guy?) And the feeling of rejection is not erased if you have a loving adoptive family. Moreover, going back to Persephone’s first post, I do not see how his having loving adoptive parents makes it right for her to dump him again. Being given up (or thrown away) -- multiple times -- HURTS. How is he supposed to NOT feel hurt that after a reunion, she takes it all away again because she would rather lie to her (adult) daughter. I do not see his birth mother’s choices as coming from love. I also don’t think she is being loving toward her daughter. I second the other responses that say, why did she contact him at all if she was still going to keep him a secret? I wouldn’t post this anywhere but the pit. It’s just that Persephone’s first post... to me... did not seem to take the adoptive person’s feelings into account at all. Because he has other parents it’s alright for her to dump him again? That is not love, that is just plain cruel.
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#45
09-06-2003, 01:02 PM
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And you're absolutely correct when you speak of adoptees having to deal with rejection. It's particularly difficult to deal when you have a case like mine. I relinquished my daughter 14 years ago, but I have an open adoption. I chose her adoptive parents, and we've had a close, continued relationship ever since. But there did come a day when my husband and I chose to have another child, and I had to tell my daughter. Thankfully, she was thrilled. But I was totally braced for rejection. I was prepared for her to feel rejected by me, because I had chosen to have another child. And I was braced for her to reject me herself...because I had chosen to have another child. As an adoptee, I have dealt with the rejection myself. When I searched and located my birthfather 13 years ago, it was wonderful. At first. But his wife and two other children had issues with it. And things cooled for a while, because they HAD to. He had to decide "my wife and other kids, or this grown woman who already has a family that loves her?" The choice was obvious. As for you being adopted in to an abusive family...I'm sorry. That's damn tragic, and I hope you get help with it. I really do. Email me anytime. But one thing to remember--I never said definitively that elmwood's birthmother is, in fact, acting out of love. Because I don't know that she is, and I've stated that. I said quite clearly that perhaps she IS a selfish bitch--I don't know her. My posts here have simply presented a different viewpoint based on my own personal experience with adoption. The one thing you'll NEVER hear me say when it comes to this is that I am right. I could be WAY off base. But all I've got to work with is what elmwood is saying here. What I'm trying to do, though, is get elmwood to calm down a bit, and see things from a different perspective. If his relationship with his birthmother MUST end, then so be it. But if there's a way that they can pull it together and fix things...well, IMHO, that'd be even better. elmwood's right to be angry. I won't argue that at all. But if he can be calm and reasonable and present his anger to his birthmother in a decent fashion, maybe she'll change her mind. If she does, w00t! If she doesn't...then I'll hold the door open for elmwood while he walks out. AND I'll drive him to the bar and buy him a beer. Do you get my point here? I'm not telling elmwood he's wrong to be angry. I'm just trying to tell him how his birthmother might be thinking (again, I don't know her, so I could be wrong), and show him a way that he might present his case in a manner that will cause her to change her mind about allowing contact with his sister.
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#46
09-06-2003, 01:32 PM
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elmwood, I don't have any advice in dealing with these issues, just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts. This seems like a really terrible thing for anyone to go through, and I really hope your birthmother comes to our senses soon.
Ava
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#47
09-07-2003, 03:25 PM
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Really this meltdown is about on par with the variations of selfishness, cruelty and divisiveness one often finds in birth families, too. "Not giving up a child" doesn't prevent that. AND continuing a pregnancy and releasing the baby for adoption can, in many cases, be the most loving, unselfish act a person can do.
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#48
09-08-2003, 03:08 AM
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elmwood, I'm with those who feel your birth mom will tell your sister eventually, probably sooner than later. The son I gave up for adoption found me a couple of years ago and we've established a good relationship across two families, but it doesn't happen instantly. I still haven't told my youngest son (he's 7) who that person really is--in other words, he doesn't yet realize he's an uncle and his mother is a grandmother. But that's solely because of his age and because I haven't yet introduced the concept of giving babies away.
But I can see how it might be harder to share this kind of information with a daughter than with sons. I am also an adoptee who grew up as an only child so I do get the longing for siblings. Right now I am trying to make contact with a half-brother, half-sister, and full brother, knowing only the half-brother's name. I think I'm close--but it's frustrating. Patience is not really one of my virtues. But there's no choice.
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#49
09-14-2003, 11:09 PM
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First draft of a letter to my birth mother. Thank you all ... for your hugs, for your thoughts, for your clarification of my thoughts when I couldn't do it myself.
Sh****, Has the novelty of having found your long-lost son worn off? Secret? Lie? You’re describing my existence in terms that most would use to describe an extramarital affair, or something else of which they are ashamed. Is that how you see me? You might as well include the words “bastard child” and “accident,” since that’s how you apparently see it. After all, you did say that my existence as “something that adds to the torment of ]ex-husband/birth dad's name] and how he treated (you) all.” You decided to make yourself scarce during the first time I've been able to return to Buffalo in nearly a year. How insulting. You said that you would never tell Sa*** – MY 100% FULL BLOOD SISTER – about my existence, ever. Why? You say that you are afraid of disrupting her life. What do you think would happen if you told her? Would she get upset at you for a few weeks, perhaps? In any case, she probably won’t be half as upset as I am now. What I’m feeling now goes beyond disappointment, beyond anger. It’s difficult to describe, although the term “righteous indignation” comes close. Unlike the temporary disruption you think this would cause to Sa***, this feeling will be a part of my mindset for the rest of my life. First you wouldn’t tell Sa*** about me because one of her friends died. Next, it was because she would be taking finals soon. Now, it’s because she’s looking for a job. You know what? Despite my anger, the fact that I’m inexpressibly upset, I had two job interviews while I was in Buffalo. In a couple of weeks, I’m going to Portland, Oregon for another job interview. I am not letting this anger stop me from getting on with my life. Do you think the fact of my existence would grag Sa*** to a standstill? Would you rather Sa*** found about her third brother at your wake, when you don’t have the chance to describe the course of events, defend your actions, or answer her questions? Do you want her impression of you at that point to continue with her for the rest of her life, without closure of any sort? Are you willing to live with the secret of my existence, in exchange for avoiding an awkward moment with your daughter? How selfish, for both me and Sarah. That’s far worse than “protecting” her now. Life is filled with wonderful, tragic and course-altering events. Like it or not, this is a part of Sarah’s life. She’s an adult. If you tell her, she’ll cope. She’ll still love you. Are you afraid of something else, though, something unpleasant that you instead of Sarah might face, something you should have been prepared for when you looked to open the Pandora’s box called my [pre-adoption birth name]? I think so. When we found each other, a dark cloud was lifted from my future. Remember when I explained how one of my greatest fears was that, in a decade or so, I would literally be alone in the world. Marriage prospects aren’t too likely, I have no close immediate relatives, and my family tree resembles Charlie Brown’s diminutive tannenbaum. You said, and this is an exact quote, “You’ll never be alone again.” You dangle a whole new family in front of my eyes, and like a child teasing a dog with a treat, pull it away at the last minute. You don’t know how cruel this is. This is not something that I would have expected from you. What the hell were you hoping to do, by insinuating yourself into my life and then trying to keep me in the background, separate from the family that I am, by blood, a full part of? The black cloud is back, and it's darker than ever. Adoptive children, myself included, tend to deal with some degree of feeling rejected by their birth parents. I’ve always been extremely sensitive about rejection, feeling included, and feeling a part of things, from the time I was very young. The feeling of rejection is not erased if you have a loving adoptive family. Once again, I feel rejected, only this time it’s been to my face. You are right about one thing, though. My life has been “honest and comfortable with (my) wonderful parents.” Among other admirable traits, they don’t keep secrets. You did something very right back in 1965. Do it again. Free yourself and my brothers from the bondage of holding a secret like this for the rest of your life. No more secrets, no more lies, no more shame. TELL SA*** ABOUT HER THIRD BROTHER NOW. Dan
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#50
09-14-2003, 11:13 PM
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BTW, explaining this ...
You decided to make yourself scarce during the first time I've been able to return to Buffalo in nearly a year. A dat after her first e-mail, she sent a letter to her mailing list saying that she'd be unreachable ... during the exact dates I said that I would be in the area.
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