Tell us the stranges, dumbest and most bizarre joke you know!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Tell us all of the unfunny, lame, stupid and insane jokes you know:
A city boy answers an ad from a preacher in the country selling a horse. When he gets there, the preacher says: “Naw, boy! Thars some thangs ye gots ter know 'bout this heyah hoss! Ter gets him to go, ye says ‘Praise the Lord.’ Ter gets him to stop, ye says ‘Hail Mary.’” The city boy says “Okay, old man. Mind if I take her for a spin?”

So he gets on the horse and yells “Praise the Lord!” and the horse starts galloping. Suddenly he sees a cliff! He starts yelling “STOP! WOAH!” Then finally he remembers to say “Hail Mary!” The horse stops just short of the cliff. Then he says:

“Boy, that was lucky.”

Two bear cubs are in the litte bears room, and one turns to the other and says “Could you pass the toilet paper?” The other bear says “What do I look like, a typewriter?”

Want to hear a really bad joke?

Nevermind.

Badum-tish!
Please share.

2

I think this is a good joke. One of my favourites. But when I tell it, over half the time I’m rewarded with nothing more than a blank stare. I’m surprised at the number of people who don’t get it. (Of course, Dopers will.)

René Descartes is drinking in a bar. Just before closing, the barkeep says, “Mr. Descartes, would you like ‘one for the road’?”

René Descartes replies, “I think not”… and suddenly vanishes!

3

Two guys walked into a bar. I thought for sure the second one woulda seen it.

4

(I made this one up.) Two guys in a bar:

“There was an angry horsefly on the edge of the urinal.”

“How do you know he was angry?”

“Because I pissed him off.”

5

Did you hear about the two maggots fighting in dead earnest?

6

Rabbi and a priest walk into a bar.

Bartender says ‘What is this, some kind of joke?’

7

Q.What’s yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
A. Zorn’s Lemon!

Q. What ELSE is yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
A. Tychonose’s Theorem!

Q. What THIRD thing is yellow and equivalent to the axiom of choice?
A. The axiom of well-ordering covered in lemon drizzle.

8

Told to me by an 8 year old:

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

“Where’s my tractor?”

badaBAM!

9

Q. What do you call a cow that got hit by a motorcycle?

A. Kawasaki.

10

If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one around, do all the other trees make fun of it?

This one is only funny (well, to me anyway) if you say it out loud:

Two whales walk into a bar. One whale turns to the other one and says:

eeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuh … UUUUUUUUH … eeeeeeek (see, this is the part where you make whale sounds for about 15 minutes. Hopefully, some people start laughing at some point.)

The other whale turns to him and says, “George, what the hell are you doing?”

Two peices of bacon are in a frying pan, getting cooked. One turns to the ather and says, “Hot enough for you?”
The other one thinks, “Holy Shit! Talking bacon!”
Thank you, thank you. Try the veal. I’ll be here all week. Make sure you tip your waitstaff, as they all have very serious drug habits to support.

11

Why do Canadians like to have sex doggy style?
So they can both watch hockey.

12

The worst joke I’ve ever heard was Johnny Carson’s favorite. Here goes:

Deepest, darkest, dankest Jungle. Heat and humidity thick as molasses. In a small clearing is a small pool of water containing two hippopotamuses seeking refuge from the heat. One turns to the other and says: “Ya, know…I just can’t get it through my head this is Thursday.”

Even Carson said he didn’t know of anyone who thought it was funny, but it was his favorite.

13

::insert obligatory “you owe me a new monitor” comment here::

Pure brilliance! I love it!

14

These jokes work best when the recipient is under the influence of certain mind-altering substances. For both of them, the trick is to keep an absolutely straight face and stare at them afterwards. Eventually they’ll crack.

The first one was invented by me and my sister:

A: How many dogs does is take to change a lightbulb?
B: How many?
A: Ten.

A: Ask me if I am a fireman.
B: Are you a fireman?
A: Yes. [If you pause for a bit, you may be able to make B start laughing at this point. If not…] Ask me if I am a policeman.
B: Are you a policeman?
A: No. I am a fireman.

15

This is the dumbest I ever heard, but I don’t know if the translation is good enough:

This was a bad, really bad joke… so bad it even beated the small jokes

16

This one is really dumb.

Ein bayerisches Mädchen spricht mit einem Mann in einem Biergarten. Das Mädchen sagt, “Küss mir, Kasimir.”

Kasimir sagt, “Nicht ‘mir’; 'mich’!”

Das Mädchen sagt, “Küss mir, Kasimich!”

[sub]From what I was told, Bavarians sometimes use “mir” when they should use “mich”. It’s been a long time since I’ve spoken German and I’ve only been to Bavaria once, for only a few days. So I’m just going by what my old high school German teacher said.[/sub]

17

I was trying to remember a joke once and ended up combining two “biting” jokes in my head. It went like this:

I saw a man and a dog standing on the street. I asked the man “Does your dog bite?” The man said “No.” So I bit him.

18

During world war two, two German generals were fed up with how Hitler was running the war, so they decided to assassinate him. They followed him for days trying to find the best place to kill him. They noticed that every Saturday Hitler would be taken for a drive in the country, and they followed him every time for a month. At precisely 12:15 he would drive over the same bridge, so that’s where they decided to do the deed.
They set up a bomb under the bridge on Friday night and waited on a nearby hill with a detonator on Saturday.
Twelve fifteen came…no hitler.
One O’clock came…not hitler.
Three O’clock came…still no hitler
The generals stayed on the hill all night and until the next morning.
Finally one of them turned to the other and said:

“Gee, I hope nothing happened to him.”

19

After a brief, bloodless gunfight, Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.

Now, I won’t lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red desert sand, things have never looked worse for ole Dan. But ever the optimist, Dan lets out a single, desperate, mighty whistle. After an hour of blinding mid-morning sun, up trots Skeeter, Dan’s faithful bay gelding.

“C’mere, boy. Get close, ain’t got the strength but to whisper,” he gasps.

The horse steps forward and looks down at Dan. Dan whispers out, as quietly as the breeze, and off like a shot gallops Skeeter.

10, 15, then 20 minutes pass and Dan’s beginning to worry. Much more time and that noonday sun’s fixin’ to plumb croak our hero in 30 seconds flat. Dan starts to say his prayers, when along comes Skeeter, carrying a buxom young brunette.

Keep in mind Dan’s not too quick to lose his temper, so he kind of gradual-like pastes a frown on his sunburnt face and beckons the horse even closer this time. Skeeter leans down until his brown snout is almost touching Dan’s forehead. Dan whispers out and Skeeter again gallops off toward town.

It’s a heck of a tight spot, but Dan’s feeling a little comfort from the shade of a spindly saguaro off on top of some nearby bluff. Thirty minutes pass, when up comes Skeeter, carrying a gorgeous redhead and a positively stunning blonde, the likes of which Dan’s never seen in his life.

Dan can’t mask his rage this time, but somehow coaxes Skeeter to come even closer. The horse half-kneels and puts his right ear up against the Deputy’s cracked lips. Angrily, Dan gathers his strength and whispers with all his breath: “No, Skeeter! P…O…S…S…E! Bring me a POSSE, you dang fool horse!”

20

Bounty hunter comes into town and seeks out the sheriff. “I’m a bit short o’ cash, Sheriff – you got any varmints or outlaws you want rounded up?”
“Well,” says the sheriff, “There is one fella, but he’s kinda strange.”
“Strange? Strange how?”
“Lemme see now: He’s got a brown paper hat. And he wears a brown paper shirt. And brown paper pants. Brown paper chaps. Brown paper boots, brown paper holster, and a brown paper gun.”
“Goollly,” says the bounty hunter. “That is mighty strange all right. But tell me, Sheriff, what’s he wanted fer?”
“Rustling.”