Jon Bon Jovi

[jjimm]

Perusing my dear wife's copy of Now! celebrity magazine this weekend, I alighted upon a Q&A session with one Mr Jon Bon Jovi. A couple of his responses piqued my interest. Alas, it's not available online, and nor do I have the magazine with me, so you'll have to rely on my memory...

First thing was his answer to the following question:

"If you could choose five musicians, living or dead, to make the ultimate band, who would you choose?"

Remember, this is the ultimate band we're talking about. You can choose the best musicians ever.

Here's who Mr BJ chose for the first four:

Jimi Hendrix.
Elvis Presley.
Keith Richards.
John Lennon.

All geniuses in their own way. I don't know how pleasant a band with four guitarists and no bass player would be, but then again John occasionally tinkled the ivories, and Jimi was a dab hand at the kazoo, and it's all about bucking convention: who am I to question the man who wrote "I need a respirator cause I’m running out of breath / You’re an all night generator wrapped in stockings and a dress"?

So anyway, we finally come to Jon's choice of drummer.

For the drummer, Jon chooses...

Bono.

Now I know that Bono is something of a polymath. He writes songs. He sings them. He makes political rants. He does a bit of primitive painting. He owns a hotel. He raises money for Africa. He may also be able to thump a couple of tubs in rhythm.

But he's not known for his drumming prowess.

Perhaps JBJ got mixed up with bongo drum.

Or Ringo?

The second thing that caught my attention was JBJ's response to the question: "what is your favourite city?"

"I love Dublin," the great man replied. "Whenever I visit, it's always a religious experience for me.

"Every gas station attendant is a poet."

I am not quite sure which Dublin Mr BJ has been visiting. Perhaps he was visiting the "other" Dublin - the one that you get to by taking a steam train from Darby O'Gill and the Little People via the Quiet Man - and he might indeed have had his petrol pumped by doggerel-spouting WB Yeatses, his windscreen made sparkling clean by lyricising Brendan Behans, while smartly besuited James Joyces bitch-slapped Oscar Wildes over who gets to empty Mr BJ's ashtray.

Or perhaps not.

Despite the flattering image Mr BJ paints of the city in which I reside, I need to point one crucial fact to him: in the real Dublin, there are no gas station attendants - they're all self service.

If, of course, by "gas station attendant" Mr BJ means the person behind the counter, well, I don't know how to break this to him, but with very few exceptions at all, every gas station attendant in Dublin is Chinese.

Now, they may of course be Chinese poets, and they may indeed be very good, but I get the impression JBJ doesn't speak any Chinese dialects.

On the offchance that the person behind the counter is in fact a native Irish person, the typical lyrical response I find my ears being tickled with is such postmodern haiku-form verse as:

Which pump? Pump five yeah?
That'll be thirty euro.
Thanks very much, bud.

Well OK, maybe JBJ does have a point here. Note the similarities with JBJ's own remarkable:

I’m a devil on the run
A six gun lover
A candle in the wind

I guess it takes a poet to recognise one.

[Casey1505]

Typo? Maybe he meant John Bonham of Led Zeppelin. He was sometimes referred to as "Bonzo".

[paulberserker]

yeah, but he's livin' on a prayer!

You tell me what insight a man who has not only appeared in Ally McBeal but releases a greatest hits compilation with all the hits done acoustically as 'a treat for the fans', and i'll show you a man who tells you Bono's a drummer and has his teeth whitened with a blue tinge so they show up better on stage and TV.

Now magazine, jjimm?

Hardly the source of good music journalism now is it?

[Achilles]

Originally Posted by jjimm

Perusing my dear wife's copy of Now! celebrity magazine this weekend...

Hmmm... couldn't find "OK!" ?

Originally Posted by jjimm

with very few exceptions at all, every gas station attendant in Dublin is Chinese.

I think there'e one in the Statoil in Goatstown who's from Nigeria.

[TwistofFate]

The biggest innacuracy in the OP is that jjimm calim's it was his wife's magazine.

'Fess up. The truth must be told.

[Jackknifed Juggernaut]

A haiku is a Japanese poem. A Chinese gas station counter person writing haiku is about as probable as the same quoting Yeats.

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by TwistofFate

The biggest innacuracy in the OP is that jjimm calim's it was his wife's magazine.

'Fess up. The truth must be told.

No mate, I'm more of a Heat man myself.

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by Jackknifed Juggernaut

A haiku is a Japanese poem. A Chinese gas station counter person writing haiku is about as probable as the same quoting Yeats.

I totally agree with you, and if you could show me where I said that Chinese people write haiku, I'll gladly commit sepu-ku.

[Jackknifed Juggernaut]

Originally Posted by jjimm

I totally agree with you, and if you could show me where I said that Chinese people write haiku, I'll gladly commit sepu-ku.

Forgive me if I'm stretching here. But when I read this, I assumed you were quoting the Chinese dude:

Which pump? Pump five yeah?
That'll be thirty euro.
Thanks very much, bud.

Anyway, I'm from New Jersey so I feel it's my duty to protect my fellow NJ geniuses like JBJ: "I've seen a million faces and I've rocked 'em all!" Tell me Morrissey could come up with something like that line. BTW, The Smiths are my favorite band of all time.

[yojimbo]

Originally Posted by Jackknifed Juggernaut

Forgive me if I'm stretching here. But when I read this, I assumed you were quoting the Chinese dude:

Originally Posted by jimm

On the offchance that the person behind the counter is in fact a native Irish person, the typical lyrical response I find my ears being tickled with is such postmodern haiku-form verse as:

Which pump? Pump five yeah?
That'll be thirty euro.
Thanks very much, bud.

Anyhoo on with the show

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by Jackknifed Juggernaut

Forgive me if I'm stretching here. But when I read this, I assumed you were quoting the Chinese dude

Not so much "stretching" as "totally failing to read the sentence just before it".

Ah New Jersey - first Bon Jovi, now this...

[Jackknifed Juggernaut]

Oops. That was hella-stupid. My apologies. Actually my plot worked. Doesn't JBJ seem like a true genius now?

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by Jackknifed Juggernaut

Oops. That was hella-stupid. My apologies.

Hey, not at all.

I just remembered, he also said he "hate[s] The Darkness" because they're "trying to be Spinal Tap".

Actually, that's really only an opinion with which I disagree - but it's also just plain dumb.

[Green Bean]

He probably did say Bonzo, but you silly laddies just assumed that he must want an Irish guy in his band.

And as far as the gas station attendant thing: It's a bit of Jersey idiom. All gas stations in Jersey are full-serve. "Gas station attendant" is just another way of saying "regular ordinary working joe."

FWIW, all of our gas station attendants are Indian:

Regular or high octane
Will you be having?
Cash or credit, sir?

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by Green Bean

He probably did say Bonzo, but you silly laddies just assumed that he must want an Irish guy in his band.[/i]

Nope, he definitely mentioned U2.

[yojimbo]

Trying to be Spinal Tap. They ARE Spinal Tap.

[ElvisL1ves]

Gotta give some props to any rocker whose bestest bud is Coach Bill Belichick. Bill got him interested in football, and now Bon Jovi owns the new Philly team in the Arena League.

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by ElvisL1ves

Gotta give some props to any rocker whose bestest bud is Coach Bill Belichick. Bill got him interested in football, and now Bon Jovi owns the new Philly team in the Arena League.

There's a football team in the UK owned by TV's most excruciatingly dull celebrity chef.

[Green Bean]

Originally Posted by jjimm

Nope, he definitely mentioned U2.

Okay, then. The toxic waste must have gone to his brain.

(He may have weird taste in drummers, but I still love him. He's so cute.)

[Lord Ashtar]

Originally Posted by Green Bean

(He may have weird taste in drummers, but I still love him. He's so cute.)

See, this is why he's able to do dumb things, like build a band with four guitarists and no bassist and drummer yet still make so damn much money. Because the ladies think he is just "so cute."

[Frank #2]

There is a Dublin in both New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Perhaps he meant one of those?

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by Frank #2

There is a Dublin in both New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Perhaps he meant one of those?

No, he didn't. (He also mentioned the Irish accent later.)

Why's everyone suspecting my reading comprehension here?

Could it possibly be that he really is that dumb..?

[yojimbo]

Originally Posted by jjimm

Why's everyone suspecting my reading comprehension here?

You sure it wasn't Huey from the Fun Lovin Criminals?

[Casey1505]

Originally Posted by jjimm

Why's everyone suspecting my reading comprehension here?

I was suspecting the typing skills of the article's author, and/or the proofreading ability of the editor. But if you say he specifically mentioned U2, well, no one ever accused Bon Jovi of being a rocket surgeon.

[jjimm]

I just went into a shop to check my facts, and now find that I'd totally misread everything.

In fact, the article was printed in Then! magazine, and was about Johann Sebastian Bach, who said Kuala Lumpur was his favourite city because the rickshaw-wallas talk in iambic pentameter, and later said his ultimate quintet would contain five cello players and a harpsichord. And he thought Mozart a pale imitation of Handel.

Sorry for the misunderstanding there.

[micilin]

My GF was in a newsagents (in Dublin) the other day behind an old biddy who was nattering with the person (also an old biddy, I believe) behind the counter, thus making my gf late for work. Behind-the-counter-old-biddy asked old biddy A why she doesn't do the 'Lotto' (as in the Irish national lottery).

Old biddy's reply was:
'Ah sure, I've no luck. If it was raining soup I'd be out with a fork'.

I thought to myself 'what a marvellous, robust, almost lyrical, way the Dublin working class have of expressing themselves!'.

I did not go on to wonder what a New Jersey hair rocker would make of this, or how badly he would express it. I also didn't decide to read every line of (my GF's copy of ) a Now! interview by BonJovi.

Oh, and:
Bono!?! Drumming? WTF?

[Kalhoun]

Anyone who thought JBJ was actually talking about gas station attendants and not "Dublin's Everyman" has comprehension issues. Seriously.

[ruadh]

Originally Posted by Kalhoun

Anyone who thought JBJ was actually talking about gas station attendants and not "Dublin's Everyman" has comprehension issues. Seriously.

Sorry, explain to me why somebody who lives in a country where there are no such things as "gas station attendants" should understand a metaphor about them?

[gobear]

Being stereotyped as a nation of twee, elfin poets who lyricize grandly at the local, where all the women look like Maureen O' Sullivan and the men are all sturdy yeomen named Sean, is relatively benign as ethnic pigeonholing goes.

Given what the US stereotype of the Irish used to be, you guys ought to thank the National Tourist Board for the whole Enya-drenched mystical claptrap you lot have sold us.

[scout1222]

You know, there is sometimes sheer beauty in overlooking a thread until it's almost run its course.

Thank you, jjiimm for your last post. It was divine.

[Kalhoun]

Originally Posted by ruadh

Sorry, explain to me why somebody who lives in a country where there are no such things as "gas station attendants" should understand a metaphor about them?

Are you telling me they don't have human beings taking your money at the gas station? That person would be the gas station attendant. Sigh....

[Jojo]

This will be the same Jon Bon Jovi who was once making a video and a group of fans gathered to watch. After a while, one of said fans sparked up a spliff. Upon noticing this JBJ stopped shooting the video, went over to the fan, grabbed him and frogmarched him to a nearby police officer.

Very rock'n'roll, Jon.

But anyway what I've never understood is this:

Sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink
Sometimes when you're alone and all you do is think

How can you tell the day by the bottle that you drink? Does he drink a different type of alcohol every day - "oh I'm drinking whisky so it must be a thursday" or "I'm drinking vodka so it must be a wednesday"? Or does he perhaps buy 7 bottles at the start of the week so he can tell what day it is by how many he's got left? Or does he label them all with a particular day?

So many questions...

[ruadh]

Originally Posted by Kalhoun

Are you telling me they don't have human beings taking your money at the gas station? That person would be the gas station attendant. Sigh....

It's a completely foreign phrase over here. They're not even called "gas stations" FFS. Sigh ...

[jjimm]

No, you're right, Kalhoun. It takes a true langer like you to point out to a dozy pillock like me that local idioms are indeed comprehensible across the entire English-speaking world.

In fact many of me old chinas have had the craic and taken the piss out of me about it down the rubba. Sure and doesn't every man jack and the world and his dog know that. Thank you, Kalhoun, ya dappy bollix.

[Liberal]

Great pit OP, Jjimm! Original, creative, and well written.

[yojimbo]

Originally Posted by jjimm

In fact many of me old chinas have had the craic and taken the piss out of me about it down the rubba. Sure and doesn't every man jack and the world and his dog know that. Thank you, Kalhoun, ya dappy bollix.

Cheered up a hungover jackeen that did.

[TwistofFate]

Originally Posted by Kalhoun

Are you telling me they don't have human beings taking your money at the gas station? That person would be the gas station attendant. Sigh....

Are you the JBJ metaphor police? Good lord, it's like you're going out of your way to ruin a good rant.

And Jon Bon Jovi sucks sweaty horse ass. He may claimed to have "rocked a million faces" but he still recorded "Merry Christmas R2D2" and had a poodle mullet. He can't escape his past.

[micilin]

Originally Posted by jjimm

In fact many of me old chinas have had the craic and taken the piss out of me about it down the rubba. Sure and doesn't every man jack and the world and his dog know that. Thank you, Kalhoun, ya dappy bollix.

Scoops?

(This'd be funnier if there was no minimum word limit on posting)

[curly chick]

Originally Posted by jjimm

No, you're right, Kalhoun. It takes a true langer like you to point out to a dozy pillock like me that local idioms are indeed comprehensible across the entire English-speaking world.

In fact many of me old chinas have had the craic and taken the piss out of me about it down the rubba. Sure and doesn't every man jack and the world and his dog know that. Thank you, Kalhoun, ya dappy bollix.

jjimm, only for the fact that I know you've got a trouble, a post like this would make me want to be your mot*.
Excellent, you clever old Oxonian, you.

(* fonetic Dublin spelin, there; I suppose it's maith really)

[jjimm]

Originally Posted by micilin

Scoops?

Not on a school night.

[Pergau]

I was at a petrol station recently when a poetic voice came over the tannoy and said, in a thick Cavan accent, "Customer, you have selected diesel" and it turned out that I had!

By the way, there are no attendants in "gas stations" here, they're all trainee assistant managers.

[jjimm]

Why, just the same thing happened to me. And the voice said:

O loyal customer, thou hast selected diesel,
Yet it were unleaded that thou ought -
I, loyal servant of thy petrol station
Shall rectify the liquid that thou sought,
And swiftly change thy carriage's elixir
From that which would thy engine disembowel
(As if a noble Bedouin's oasis
Did offer only aqua regia foul,
And thus the camel, stooping low to sup it
Would innocently drink the pois'nous brine
And fall as in a fit of dreadful vapours
And wither as a leaf upon the vine)
And thus with magical mechanics
I do thy bidding like a woodland sprite.
(We also offer sherbets, sweetmeats, candies,
And vouchers that thou canst redeem for shite.)

[TwistofFate]

Hi Octane again, pop the cap, lift the pump.
await hum of acceptance
Insert funnel into awaiting tube.
pull trigger.
hypnotised by the flash of passing cars, until the sharp aroma of petrol station flowers (half price for mothers day) brings awareness back to suburbia.

Wipe hands on blue paper dispenser, close cap and tap the hood.
Take the cash and watch for signal mirror indicate, children rushing out the door to school.

Replenish peat briquettes at side of door.

Hi octane again, pop cap, lift the pump.

[Kal]

Now look what you fuckers have done, you've got Twisty back sniffing the 4 star.

[micilin]

Diesel???? Petrol???? Bollocks!

Be warned the link's a 1.2MB quicktime movie. Its worth it though.

[Coldfire]

This thread, unlike JBJ, complety rocks.

I rarely L.O.L. at an SDMB thread, but jjimm's post about the actual article in Then! magazine cracked me the fuck up.

Also, that Bollocks commercial's just the dog's bonjovis.

[Nobody]

Originally Posted by jjimm

I just went into a shop to check my facts, and now find that I'd totally misread everything.

In fact, the article was printed in Then! magazine, and was about Johann Sebastian Bach...

You mean the fellow from Skid Row? Easy mistake, he and JBJ were both well known for their hair.

[Gr8Kat]

Originally Posted by Joel

You mean the fellow from Skid Row? Easy mistake, he and JBJ were both well known for their hair.

Sorry, that was me; I forgot to switch screennames.

[Slinks off in shame]