I’ll try to make this brief…I’m leaving my job. When I told one of my co-workers, who I also am very fond of and we hang out together as friends and will do so after I leave, he said “I hope it wasn’t because of me.” Now, we rarely even have the occasion to directly work together and haven’t done so in quite some time. Also, I am not a grouchy worker, in fact, I think I’m very pleasant, although direct. He knows I think well of him.
I also announced it to one of my clients and he also said “I hope it wasn’t because of me.”
Why? Are these guys insecure? Think the world centers around them? There is no way I gave them the impression that I didn’t like working with them (in fact, probably quite the opposite). Were they just being “nice”? (although I wouldn’t understand this one)
I don’t really care that they said this from a “what did I do?” standpoint, I’m just curious if we have any speculation as to why…I find it interesting.
They’re also both guys in their thirties, very consciencious (sp? I’m sure) and friendly. But also both very uptight…any thoughts?
Well, I am a psychologist…though not of the clinical sort and the only thing I can think of is:
There has got to be some reason why you are even posting this. If you think you didn’t give them the impression you didn’t like working with them, and they think you did…there must be something you are not telling us. So skip all the ‘beating around the bush’ and come out with it.
Specific questions:
A client asked you “…is it because of me…” ? What sort of business are you in? And why would a client affect your leaving?
A coworker asked the same question…one you have hung out with outside of work? Were you intimate?
I had a similar situation when I changed jobs a couple years ago, so I will share my insights on the situation and maybe you can see what might be going on. It seemed even more strange to me as I was a contractor at this company, and usually there is not so much concern about contractors leaving.
Some background: After working 4 years on project X, I was asked to start working on project Y (which was a toolkit to support project X) because of my knowledge of project X. Project Y was not being managed well, and I was kind of surprized at how chaotic things were given my experience on project X. I did my best to do what I was asked, but because I knew enough people, and the management of project Y concerned me, I did make my feelings known. Anyway, just as I was wrapping up my work on project Y (only a couple months worth), this opportunity came along and I decided to take a permanent position with this startup.
A lot of people were sorry to see me go, and a lot of people kept asking “I hope it wasn’t because of project ‘Y’”. Which kind of surprized me. And it did indicate that a lot of people were fairly convinced that it was because I was “disenchanted” (or maybe downright pissed off) with this new project that I was deciding to leave. I assured them that 1) I was concerned that project Y was not being run as well as it could, but 2) that was not the reason I was leaving.
After reading your post and reflecting on my own situations, some thoughts come to mind:
The fact that these people are asking you indicate that they have some insecurity about how they may have treated you. Like the project Y experience, I think your leaving prompted these people to do a little reflection of their own interactions with you, and this brought up some doubts about being consistently “reasonable” (or fair, or nice, etc.) with you. Maybe it brought up some situation that you may have blown off and forgotten, yet they were always haunted by the possibility that it offended you and that you were holding it against them. But my theory is that your leaving caused these people to review their experience with you, and there some possible episodes brought up.
Either consciously or unconsciously you had somehow given some indication about not being completely happy or content to these people who are asking you. That is, they were able to pick up that you weren’t happy about “something”, but may not have been sure if it was even related to them. In my case, I had actually spoken to a couple people about how messed up I thought things were on project Y. But in your case, I believe you somehow let these people know you weren’t happy (about something), and it may not have been clear that it didn’t have anything to do with them.
If you really didn’t have any issue with these people, and they didn’t influence your decision to leave, you may want to let them know not only that this is the case, but also to make more of an effort to let them understand what WERE the reasons you decided to leave.
I think that the underlying theme is a breakdown in communication perhaps in both directions. I think it is significant that these people are even concerned, and are therefore asking. That indicates some measure of caring (if they really were jerks, they wouldn’t bother to ask). So in return you might want to put their minds at rest and explain what really went into your decision to leave.
Hope this helps.
Phlosphr, maybe you are right in that there’s a reason I’m asking, but would you consider that I’m not intentionally “beating around the bush” and maybe don’t know why I’m asking?
I’m in the technology business–I do programming and general project management. Some clients will call needing something and say “sorry I’m being a pain in the ass, but I need you to…” It really depends on the personality. I don’t consider clients to be a pain in the ass in general…they help pay my salary. Of course, there are some that are unreasonable occasionally, but I wouldn’t even joke with a client that they’re being a pain in the ass because you just don’t know how people will react. I’m pretty sure that this client in particular has in the past said things like that. The full-on truth about this particular client is that I like him and he’s very easy to work with. That’s all. I have no strong emotions toward him. It just struck me that he said that (in an email). I would be open to the suggestion that he was joking…there was no smiley-face after the comment, however.
My friend, however, is a different story. We’ve had our ups & downs as friends, but he knows we’re solid. We have never been intimate (in my definition). I don’t know if you mean sexual or emotional. I mean sexual. I have been very careful with this friendship because I’m aware of the kinds of things that can happen.
We’ve been open about our mutual attraction (we’ve been friends for about 2 years now), and there have been emotional moments for me but I’ve worked through them as they come along, and I feel handled them well. The intensity of my emotion with him inspired me (about a year ago) to really look at my relationship with my husband and we had some rocky spots but we have worked through them, and have come out stronger and better. I remain committed to my marriage, but at a time, I really questioned things.
My friend claims no intensity toward me–we’ve discussed it, I have to take him at his word. So, I thought it was weird that he would say that considering everything we’ve been through…if I thought he was a jerk, wouldn’t I just stop being friends with him? I suppose he could’ve been joking, too…
Yes…I do consider that a very valid point. However, you go onto to say you are married, and :
Confiding in a male friend details - especially personal details - is intimate. I am not referring to sexual intimacy. Everyone in this day and age refers to intimacy as having sex…No, No, No! Intimacy is sharing a caring moment, empathizing on a personal level.
I am glad to see you have worked things out with your spouse. This is a very good thing.
Whether he tells you or not, your friend has feelings for you. Sorry, if you do not agree, but I am if anything, an unbiased party, and to me it is as clear as day. Good on you for getting another job. It may very well save your marriage.
So, we’re getting way off-topic here, but Phlsphr, I appreciate your feedback. I also feel I need to point out that I do agree in your definition of intimate. I had a situation once where I referred to a relationship as “intimate” and a friend misinterpreted as meaning we had sex. I assumed you meant physical intimacy, because most people do. I grossly underestimated you in this regard.
I also need to correct you on that quitting my job will not “save my marriage.” My marriage is alive and well, thank you, although I would have had my doubts a year ago. Unfortunately, in this forum it’s impossible to give you the entire picture, but I assure you, I did consult a professional therapist during my difficult times and she helped me figure out what I needed to do, and I will again if I feel it’s necessary.
The gender of a friend has little bearing on what I share with that person–I’m not all that open in general, anyway. Of course, there are many, many things I’ve shared in terms of myself and experiences with my husband that I will never share with anyone else, male or female.
Perhaps my friend does have feelings for me…I don’t know. As long as he doesn’t make a pass at me, or say things to me that are inappropriate, I have no reason to end my friendship with him.
I appreciate the other comments as well. I guess I was just suprised that they would say anything like this…unless they were joking. Yeah, that’s it, they were joking.