A few weeks ago I noticed that my friend “Sarah” had cuts on her wrist. When confronted with it, she confessed that she had cut herself. She said she would try and stop it for us (me and my friend “gay-ass”). However, she hasn’t stopped yet, and I’m worried this could escalate to a suicide attempt.
Whenever we hang out with her, she’s happy like she always is. It seems genuine, and she said it was genuine, but she’s really good at hiding her feelings.
Do you guys think this is just a cry for attention? or is this serious?
Are there any methods out there that you know of, that work really well for this type of situation?
Cutting is certainly a “cry for help,” and counseling is the best thing I can suggest.
From my experience with a close friend, and also with a family member, they cut to “let the pain out.” The pain they have is emotional, which they can’t let out. So, they cause a physical (ie tangible) pain to override the emotional pain. For your friend to quit cutting she’ll have to actually deal with whatever the emotional pain is. If you’re close enough friends that she can tell you everything and cry on your shoulder (repeatedly over. . .well, as long as it takes) then you might be able to help. But, I would suggest a professional.
Also, what NOT to do. Don’t try and stop her by telling everyone she knows (to embarass her out of it). She’ll just move the cuts to someplace you can’t see them, and she’ll be compelled to lie to you. And, don’t get mad–it just makes matters worse.
So you know, I’m not a professional, just dealt with it before. Good luck ~S
Cutting is a sign of a pretty serious problem. She won’t want you to get involved, probably, but she really needs help. I’d tell either her parents or a school counselor. She’ll probably be furious at you- it could even end your friendship- but she’s very unlikely to be able to help herself.
“Cry for help” is a funny old phrase. It’s quite valid as long as we remember that she most likely desperately needs that help (I’m not suggesting you don’t realise that!) but to the ignorant it can be a cue for a load of abuse. On the other hand it’s not entirely clear from the OP that she intended you to see the cuts. Lots and lots of people self-harm without ever wanting people to know about it.
If she does it really badly, either by accident or on purpose, casualty wards are notorious for their lack of understanding - I can sort of understand why overworked nursing staff would get cross at having to deal with self-inflicted injuries on top of everything else, although to be honest they ought to know better, but someone in that fragile a state really doesn’t need to be made to feel guilty. You might constructively offer to go with her, which I found always made things a bit easier for my ex-girlfriend. Also you’re less likely to get abuse if you’re able to look and sound like you’re looking after her, and are willing to politely insist on getting between her and anyone who may feel like getting nasty. That said, attitudes may have changed over the years. I certainly hope so.
To be honest I think she should get in touch with a counsellor, a GP, someone with the time and qualifications to take her seriously and be sympathetic while keeping an eye out for danger signs.
You sound like you’re being a good friend to her, she’ll need that too. Let her keep as much autonomy as you safely can. Get her to someone who can analyse the situation professionally.
Basically, when I’m extremely mad or extremely sad or whatever, I’ll cut. Usually on my forearms, with a kitchen knife, just deep enough to draw blood.
I don’t consider it a cry for help. Rather, the physical pain takes my mind off the emotional pain, more or less as Sami41 describes.
No, I’m not suicidal. No, I don’t cut to seriously injure myself. No, I don’t do it for attention. No, I don’t think I’m mentally ill, although I suppose self-harmful behavior falls into the textbook definition of mental illness.
Yes, I understand that this is not a healthy way of dealing with my emotions. Yes, at some point I’m going to see a shrink about it, but I don’t see the need right now. A few scratches on my arms from time to time are no big deal. I’ve been cutting since adolescence (I’m 33) and have never cut myself seriously enough to require stitches. And I obviously haven’t killed myself.
If anyone wants to ask any questions, go ahead. I’ll try to answer honestly.
Back to the OP - your friend may have suicideal tendencies, but since I don’t know her I can’t say. And, of course, I’m not a psychiatrist. My best advice is to simply be nice and supportive and not dwell on her cutting. I’m sure she’s embarrassed about it. And encourage her to see a shrink; but not in an overbearing way.
I used to self-harm. I recommend that you take a look at this website, an excellent resource for people who self harm and for friends of people who self harm (check out the friends/family section in particular). Cutting is a coping mechanism, and rarely a suicidal act. Cutting is helping your friend cope with whatever problems she has at the moment. If she knew a better way to cope, she wouldn’t be hurting herself. But it’s not the end of the world - although it can be disburbing for her and those around her, at least she is trying to cope.
If she doesn’t want to discuss it with you, you can’t make her. But you can let her know you’re willing to lend an open-minded ear and that you won’t judge her for it. Self-harm is often a private and/or shameful act and I know that it can be very difficult for friends and family to know what to do.
What worked for me? I had to make the conscious decision to find alternative coping mechanisms. Talking about it to a psychiatrist and acknowledging what I was doing helped. If you can, encourage your friend to see a counsellor. Are you at school/college? Perhaps you could give her the number of the counsellor there. Don’t force it, but at least then she’s a step closer to seeking help.
Don’t swim with her in waters that may have sharks.
Keep a good supply of Band-Aids around.
Don’t let her sit on the “good furniture”.
Keep a close eye on your Swiss Army Knife.
Me and my friends are pretty close, and if we asked, she always told us if she cut herself. Recently though, my friend noticed another cut. One that she didn’t tell us about when asked. Right after that, about 10 minutes ago actually, she told me she stopped, and that she wouldn’t do it again. She said she was stopping so she wouldn’t be making us sad.
I can’t help but be a little suspicious after reading your posts. If I didn’t know her, it would sounds like she might just be lying, maybe she started cutting elsewhere? She’s on vacation for the next two weeks, so I can only talk to her on MSN. This makes it a little more difficult. The problem is, she’s usually a very open person. She’s good at acting happy, but she doesn’t like to lie. It’s just hard to believe that she would lie about this without telling us.
I’m not saying that she’s still cutting, but my friend had a similar experience. When asked by her boyfriend if her cut was self inflicted she admitted to it. The next time she lied, and the boyfriend believed her because she had admitted to it previously.
I strongly dislike “just a cry for help.” If she is doing it, and denies it, she needs help. If she is doing it, and admits she is, she needs help. If she isn’t doing it, but says she is, she needs help. True there are some people who self-harm in moderation, but there are some people who (much like an alcoholic developing a tolerance) continue to up the ante. Not for the end result of suicide, necessarily, but because the need becomes stronger and/or less “controllable”.
As was said above, if someone does something as a cry for help, it’s because they need help. There’s no “just” about it. A cry for help IS serious. Safer to try to get her the help she needs, than to sit back and make sure it’s a “valid” threat.
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All THAT said, it’s going to be tough to get her any kind of help until she decides she wants it. If she’s young enough (which I suspect she is?) then going to her parents is generally the best approach, or as was also mentioned, going to a school counselor. Of course that raises the whole “She’ll hate me and never forgive me” issue, but… I’d rather have an safe and healthy friend that isn’t talking to me than… insert alternative here. For more perspective, think of how many times you hear someone say “If only we had known sooner…” or “If only we had realized just how bad it was…”
I’m a former cutter. I cut to feel alive because, without physical pain, I was completely numb. I don’t like the phrase “cry for attention” that you used in your OP. That, to me, sounds like you’re saying she’s just an attention whore and is using scare tactics to get people to dote on her. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But that phrase still sucks.
I’m not doubting you’re a good friend, I just wanted to say that the phrase really annoys me.
…and stand a damn good chance at alienating your friend…
If you can be with her when she does it, or immediately there after, call 911. In New Mexico and Nevada (two states I have work experience) if a paramedic assesses a patient and believes they have, or have the intention, or injuring them self, they go to the hospital, end of story. More than once I have responded to paitnets who have cuts on their arms resembling those of self inflected injuries. When friends and/or family also give stories of recent depression and state there is a history of these cuts, it makes a much stronger case.
Once I believe that the person has hurt themselves, or is likely to do so once I leave, they go to the hospital with me. They do not get a choice. In New Mexico there is a state law that gives EMS workers the authority to do so. In Nevada I contact the police department, they place the individual in protective custody, and the individual goes to the hospital with me.
Is it the right solution; I don’t know. I do know that is a surefire way to get someone in the system if the oppertunity presents itself. Now, if the person is not willing to admit something is wrong (not quite the right phrase, but can’t think of a better one) I don’t know how successful any treatment is going to be.
