My boyfriend cheated on me..... I need advice

In My Humble Opinion
1

First, I don’t intend this to be a pity party for me. I’m just a bit depressed right now and want some objective opinions. So there’s no confusion, I’m gay. And apologies if this is not the appropriate board.

Five months ago, I was in the grocery store and I saw a cute guy in the dairy aisle who flashed me the biggest smile. My heart melted. I’m pretty shy, so I let the opportunity to introduce myself pass by. About 45 minutes later, I stopped for gas at a nearby 7-11 and who did I see in the next lane pumping gas? The same guy. He smiled at me again and I told him that it must be our destiny to meet. We did talk for a long time and I really liked him. We exchanged phone numbers and our relationship began.

I won’t bore everyone with the details, but over the next month or so, we both fell in love. He (Jason) was funny, smart, cute, charming and so romantic. Basically, the past five months have been among the happiest in my 37 years on this earth. We did everything together. After about 2 months, he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too. We were discussing the idea of moving in together. We were always together. He was always telling me how much he loved me and how he didn’t know how he survived prior to our meeting. I was head over heels in love.

Well, Jason went on a business trip last week and he arrived back home last Friday… On Sunday, I lost my cell phone and he was kind enough to loan me his, since I needed to have a way to call the office until I could get a new phone. I left it in the car while I ran into work and noticed that someone had called and left a message while I was gone. Since I had given the number out to several people, I assumed it was for me and listened to the message. It was a guy named David who left a sexually explicit message telling Jason how much he missed him and how much he enjoyed their night together in the city he had his business trip in. I was literally devastated…

I walked around like a zombie the rest of the day and cried off and on. When I got home I called him and told him I needed to talk to him. I drove to his house and immediately started crying when he opened the door. I confronted him. He started crying and was very apologetic. He admitted having a one night stand and begged me to forgive him. He swore it didn’t mean anything and professed his undying love for me. Granted, I still love him, and will probably love him for many years to come. But, I’m not sure I can ever forgive him. I really, really thought he was the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. How could I have been so stupid? I haven’t seen him since the confrontation and I’m starting to miss him. I guess I’m in mourning. I’m just so devastated. I don’t feel I can ever trust him again.

Jason called me today and wants to meet me tomorrow. I’m not sure what to do. At this point, I don’t think it’s a good idea to see him.

I’d like to hear from other people who have forgiven a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse for infidelity and how it turned out. I’m pretty sure our relationship is over, but I miss him so much. How long does it hurt? Are all gay men cheaters? It seems like a lot of my gay friends have been in similar situations. And also a lot of my straight friends, come to think of it.

Eric

2

You say you don’t feel you can ever trust him again. I have tried to rebuild a relationship after being cheated on, but it was no dice. I never did trust him again.
And, I’m so sorry. I know it’s a shitty feeling. (( rostfrei ))

3

Not everyone feels this way, but I would be very cautious getting into a relationship with a bisexual man. I’ve had a few friends who learned this the hard way, and it’s never pretty. I think part of the problem is that if a man is in a relationship with a woman, but has a fling with another man, he doesn’t consider it cheating in the same way as if he had slept with another woman. If I were you, I’d end it now and find someone straight.

4

rostfrei, I am so sorry for the turmoil you are going through.

If you think it’s too soon to see him again, then don’t see him. Your heart is breaking right now, and if space is what you need, space is what you should have.

I understand, too, about the missing, but though it sounds trite, a clean break does heal quicker (if that’s what you decide to do).
(pssst, Alias, rostfrei is a guy)
Faeriebeth

5

Are you sure that’s what you’d do, Alias?

rostfrei, I’m so sorry about that: that’s terrible. Unfortunately, I don’t have any good advice for you.

Daniel

6

Of course he did. He still wants to get in your pants.

Listen carefully, ok? You weren’t, he was! He was not only stupid, he was utterly selfish, thoughtless, heartless and cruel.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my lifetime, it’s trust your instincts. This man was willing to risk breaking your heart and possibly putting your very life at risk (and I say this about heterosexual cheaters, as well – disease knows diddly squat about sexual orientation)! What on earth would you want with a man in your life who shows such utter and contemptible disregard for your well-being, both physical and emotional?

It’s not.

Depends on how long you hold onto the anger (to which you’re entitled, of course).

Of course not. Nor are all men, in general, cheaters. Nor are all women. You just happened to find a selfish loser who was.

I’m sorry to hear that you were hurt so terribly. Betrayal absolutely sucks. My advice to you would be to cut him out of your life entirely and be emphatic enough about it that he doesn’t continue to call and whine and beg. Just shut this door and move on. When you feel yourself getting sad and reminiscing about the good times, just stop yourself and, if you’re not in a place where it would be inappropriate to do so, yell out as loud as you can, “NEXT!” And if you’re at work or in a public place, “yell” it in your head. There are decent, kind, thoughtful, fun, men out there who would never in a million years dream of jeopardizing the precious gift that is your love. Go find one of them and leave this creep in the gutter where he belongs.

Best of luck and I hope your heart heals soon.

7

I’m sorry you are hurt, and I am sorry you are going to hurt. But please trust me. While I’ve never been you, I’ve been Jason in this scenario. Run while you still have legs.
This wasn’t a meaningless encounter, Jason gave David his cell phone number. The cell phone that was in your possession. You have two choices, a) Jason is too dumb to live or b) Jason wanted to break up with you and thought this was a good way to do it.

8

Gay, not gay…same rules apply for this one. My take is that once someone cheats you will never again fully trust the person. Sorry. :frowning:

9

I cheated on my then-boyfriend when we were in college. We’re married now, been together since 1989.

Basically, I was stupid. I was weirding out over the relationship, not sure if he was the right guy for me, all confused about my future and what I was going to do after college, and so on. I should have shared my feelings with him but I didn’t. Guilt started bothering me enough that he suspected as much, and so when I confessed, he was just glad that I’d told him. I cried a lot, but mostly out of shame, especially that he was so forgiving.

Of course, that’s a very different situation. We were both really young, plus we’d been together for a couple years by that point and so we knew each other pretty well, and by that he judged that I would be faithful to him after that. Oh, and I’m the one who confessed; he didn’t find any damning evidence or hear about it from someone else, that sort of thing.

In this case, you’ve only known Jason a few months. He apparently* gave David his cell phone number, so he would seem to have some kind of plans to keep in touch (unless he’d just planned on not returning any calls), which would lead one to think that he’s lying. I really don’t know how I can advise you in this case, except that if you do believe he isn’t telling you the truth now, you should walk.

  • I vaguely find it hard to believe that he’d give out his cell number to the guy he slept with, and only days later loan you that same cell phone. Maybe the guy read it off the phone somehow, and Jason had in fact had no plans to keep in touch.
10

Oh, yeah! The Devil’s Grandmother makes a good point. This was definitely not merely a one-night-stand, so he’s now cheated on you behind your back and lied to your face about it. One-night-stands are just that. You don’t exchange phone numbers with them. Once you do exchange numbers, there’s generally an expectation or desire for the relationship to continue. Run far and run fast from this one.

11

Ultimately you will do what feels best for you, but have your running shoes on!
My ex-husband cheated on me and I tried the forgiveness and rebuilding trust thing…it came back to bite me in the ass! Rule of thumb…1st time shame on them, 2nd time shame on you! Be careful, it is hard to think with your head when your heart is heavy!!! Good Luck!!

12

Hmm I’m usually the type of person that believes in one second chance and never a second…but considering the intensity of the relationship and the fact he cheated the first chance he got and was sloppy doing so says he’s going to be a serial cheater.

Added to the fact you feel you can’t trust him you can’t build a relationship with lack of trust.

Move on. Find the right man. Good luck.

13

second chance never a third I mean. :rolleyes:

14

Well I will tell my story of betrayal and forgiveness.

My ex cheated on me after we’d been exclusive for 2 years. After the initial horrifying pain I told him that if he still wanted a chance with me he’d have to do a few things. One was to tell his family and friends the real reason we broke up. The other was that we would have to see other people and just be friends until I could make a decision. So the first thing I did was go date. I had a lot of sex too. In the back of my mind I wanted to see if he would start sleeping around or whatever. But he didn’t. He waited for me. We talked a lot over those few months (It was around 5 or 6 months) and over time I truly felt I didn’t care any more. We got back together and stayed together for another 2 years.

The thing is, deep down I have sympathy for people who make a mistake. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve never cheated but I’ve made mistakes. But it’s not like I’m willing to suffer because of someone else’s mistake. I have to take care of myself first.

To me, it’s true that you have to follow your instincts, and that means that as long as you feel you can’t trust him, you shouldn’t try to bury that feeling and give him a chance. You should do what you have to do to feel better and happy and secure again. I’d date other people until you really really feel it’s right to be exclusive again–but that’s me. I’d do whatever it took to feel safe and 100% in control of my own destiny. It’s hard because you know that maybe he won’t want to wait around until you feel okay, maybe he won’t think it’s worth it. But it’s better to know that.

15

rostfrei, no, not all gay men cheat. I have a gay friend who is sweet and wonderful and he can’t find a decent guy, either. Maybe the cheaters are just in wide circulation while the good guys are sitting at home wondering if they’re ever going to find someone.

Anyhow, dump this loser. You can, and will, do better.

16

Boyfriend - cheated, forgave, cheated, forgave, cheated - then he dumped me.

Husband - cheated, forgave, cheated, forgave, cheated, forgave, cheated, forgave…then he moved in with his girlfriend and I had no real choice but to divorce him.

That was fifteen years ago. I haven’t had to forgive a man for cheating since, and I’d have a hard time doing so.

17

I have had two relationships in the past that ended by my GF cheating on me. I can say for sure that in the first case, it was not the first time it happened. She cheated on me a few times, and I found out about it after I found out about the last time she did it. The other GF cheated on me with an ex-boyfriend. My theory is: once a cheate, always a cheater. If he says he loves he he’s lying, in my opinion. If he loved you then he wouldn’t cheat on you, it’s just that simple.

18

That it “didn’t mean anything” actually makes it worse in my opinion! My first thought upon reading this was, “He was willing to shatter your trust for him, and risk your relationship for something * nothing?*”

I hate to say this, but the skeptic in me is wondering that if he’s willing to cheat on you now, while the relationship is still new and the “spark” is still hot, what will he do when your relationship mellows into “old married life”?

You’d be best to move on, I think.

19

I dunno. Serial cheaters are usually pretty good at it.

I really have nothing more to add to this thread because a man has never cheated on me and lived…

What?

20

Exactly. It hurts like hell, but don’t waste yourself on somebody who’s not ready to honor the gift in kind. That’s a losing proposition for all involved.
Walk away–now. You don’t have to be mad and you don’t have to explain. (Though you have full reason to be outraged, mind.) You’ll never “reform” a cheater. You’re offering and expecting totally different things, apples to oranges.
Excuses, explanations, anxiety, unwilling suspicion, ad nauseum are no way to live.

Walk away. Now.