I have this theory about mustard that I would like to share. It goes:
Rheingold’s First Law of Mustard: No matter how much you shake up the bottle of mustard, there is always a glorp of mustardy water which will glurch out immediately onto your sandwich and make the bread soggy.
This guiding principle influences my every sandwich-making experience: I put the mustard on my sandwich last, now, and I squelch that first bit of mustardy water into the sink.
Does anybody else follow any scientific-sounding principles of food? Not necessarily about sammiches, though: we’ve discussed those plenty of times.
Murphy’s law of buttered bread and gravity:anytime you butter a piece of bread and drop it it will always fall face down never on the dry side.
The Law if Universal mayonnaise: No matter what food it is someone somewhere will put Mayonnaise on it.
The law of Hush Puppies: No matter how big of a crowd of people you have one and only one person will like Hush Puppies. That person will get fifty of the things because everyone will give theirs to that one person. That person should never bother to order whenever you go to a place that serves these things.
Law of rapid entropy: fast food to even be slightly edible has to be eaten right away. A Burger King burger has a half life of 5 mins before it is slimy garbage.
Law of disturbed particles: Though there is always motion (people randomly wandering about) behind a fast food counter remarkably little work gets done.
Law of Common Sense: Never order spaghetti or any other food that invites ‘slurping’ or by it’s very nature creates a mess on your first date or you WILL make a mess of things.
Rumkin’s Immutable Law of Cheez Squares: The E-Z open tab on individually wrapped squares of processed cheez are designed to tear the cheez neatly before you get it on your sandwich.
Thistelwaite’s Unproven Pickle Thesis: There is no instrument or implement or tool known to mankind useful for removing more than one pickle slice from the jar at a time.
You can eat four White Castle Cheeseburgers without creating gastric distress and noxious fumes for two days, but you cannot eat five.
A pickle is designed to add a subtle flavor to a fast-food burger, much as a bay leaf adds flavor to spaghetti sauce, but neither are designed to be eaten. Remove and discard.
Whoppers malted milk balls must have the layer of chocolate removed from their equators and then the interior dissolved in your mouth…Crunching them whole is grounds for serious relationship re-evaluation.
The Toasted Seeds Law: When toasting your own nuts or seeds, they will stay raw as long as you keep stirring them around, but if you turn your back they will go from raw to burnt in less than ten seconds.
The Hot Liquids Law: Any liquid you heat on the stove will take forever, but boil over as soon as you turn your back.
(These are obviously special cases of Cook’s Over-and-Under Cooking Law: All foods will remain undercooked until you stop paying attention, then proceed directly to overcooked.)
White shirts attract all tomato based substances. Same goes for ties.
No matter how thoroughly you clean, there will always be a blob of bacon grease somewhere on the stovetop.
Speaking of stovetops. Stovetop Stuffing [sup]TM[/sup] is a nasty vile substance that tastes like stale moldy soggy bread no matter what you do to it.
Drive thru lines are always long, even if there is only one other person in front of you. It will be that persons first time ever at a drive thru and he/she will be ordering for approximately 3000 people.
I shall invalidate that thesis by displaying this amazing tool found while on safari in the Brazilian rain forest. In the small village of San Lopos, natives were observed using this tool to construct the most amazing pickle sandwiches I have ever seen. I present to you… The Pickle Grabber!
Naw, swampbear, you don’t have to give 'em names. (I really do use the name Rheingold’s First Law of Mustard, though. And I’ve always wanted to use “pickle” and “thesis” in the same sentence.)
By the way, Frank #2 that is an astonishing find! It will, of course, need to be accepted by the scientifical community. Have you published your findings?
Corollary: Unless you are grabbing a quick sandwich at your desk before going off to make a presentation at the afternoon meeting, in which case it will glurch into your lap.
In any given household, there will always be one person who regards a variety of substances unfit for human consumption as “food”. This person will like pickled beets, sweet pickles/bread and butter chips, and that ooky sandwich spread with the bits of relish in it that looks and tastes like vomit.
This person will invariable stock the refrigerator to his or her liking, leaving very little space for legitamate foodstuffs.
Capons are edible; delightful, even. Capoes are not, and neither are capers.
Fadeley’s Tavern in Middletown, IN proudly calls itself “The Mountain Oyster Capital of The World.” Many diners praise the specialty, but they need a few beers before they can munch another creature’s balls.
You might see “BHT, as a preservative” on product labels. Contrary to rumors, there is no connection to musician Big Head Todd.
“Placed” olives have all the stuffings facing out. This is done by hand. “Thrown” olives are dumped in the jar in random positions.
Placebo drugs are often called sugar pills, but filler in pills is usually pressed clay.
An urban legend says that giblets are “little gibs.” I haven’t researched it yet.
Well, I’m off to Gilead. I’m almost out of balm. You need anything?
Anything you’ve left in the fridge as a special treat, will be gone the second before you go to eat it. As long as you never actually attempt to eat it, it will stay there til it rots.
Any recipe requiring a certain number of a particular ingedient (e.g., 2 lemons, 3 eggs) will be foiled by there being one fewer than you need.
The Heinz Principle of Adequate Shearing Forces: Ketchup packets are designed with an easy-tear top to operate in three different ways. One, not to open at all; two, to tear along one entire side and dribble the contents out before they can be used; and three, to explode. Packets which exhibit other behavior are clearly defective.
