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Old 05-28-2004, 07:03 PM
Elza B Elza B is offline
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Am I wrong to travel without my husband?

Well, he's not my husband yet, but he will be by the time this trip rolls around.

A friend of mine in Australia is getting married in October of 2005. I talked to one my best friends who's a travel agent, and when I mentioned it, she said she could take us both to Australia for a really reduced rate - our flight would be INCREDIBLY reduced, and we could comp a lot of the hotel rooms, plus we'd stay with her family in Melbourne a few days. So I'd be able to attend my friend's wedding, and we'd be able to sightsee a bit around Melbourne and Adelaide (where the wedding is). I'm thrilled because I never thought Australia would be affordable, but also because I may get to go to my friend's wedding.

My fiance and I are taking a short honeymoon to Hershey, Pennsylvania after our September wedding due to my lack of time off at my new job (and there's a gorgeous hotel and spa, plus it's in between the wedding site and where we live), and then we'll take a longer honeymoon in February or March and go to Florida for a week. We decided to keep our trips smaller so that in the winter of 2006, we can go on a long trip to England and Ireland as a last hurrah before we start trying for a little peanut. So, we will be traveling together - both of us love to travel. And he doesn't have any desire to go to Australia, and said he doesn't mind if I go. I pressed him to make sure, and he really is okay with it.

But I keep wondering - should I travel without him on such a large trip? We're not one of those couples who needs to be together 24/7 or can't spend a weekend apart, but it just seems weird to plan such a big trip without him. And I've gotten a couple of "You'd go that far away without your husband?"s from a few people when talking to them about the trip.

So is it weird that he doesn't mind that I go and that I don't mind going without him? We love each other very much, but we don't need to be joined at the hip.

Ava
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  #2  
Old 05-28-2004, 07:06 PM
GorillaMan GorillaMan is offline
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There's nothing inherently weird about it. If you need to, assuage your guilt by having a 'special' weekend the week before you leave. But untimatley, insisting on being together for every 24 hour period seems a bit silly.

And for the 'surprised' comments, tell them to fuck off
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Old 05-28-2004, 07:12 PM
Tenar Tenar is offline
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I am assuming that you are not planning to invite your friends into your "marriage bed" (what a wonderful old expression!) So why let their opinions infect any other part of you relationship? It sounds like you have a great guy who is not afraid to let you have your own life and your own interests. Don't squander the opportunity by allowing other people to impose their narrow ideas of what constitutes proper marital behavior upon you.

Enjoy you trip, and have a wonderful married life. It sounds like you are off to a good start.
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Old 05-28-2004, 07:35 PM
Elza B Elza B is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tenar
I am assuming that you are not planning to invite your friends into your "marriage bed" (what a wonderful old expression!) So why let their opinions infect any other part of you relationship? It sounds like you have a great guy who is not afraid to let you have your own life and your own interests. Don't squander the opportunity by allowing other people to impose their narrow ideas of what constitutes proper marital behavior upon you.

Enjoy you trip, and have a wonderful married life. It sounds like you are off to a good start.
There's barely room for the two of us, and the two cats in our bed, no way is anyone else getting in there with us!.

And thanks, both of you. I guess neither of us thought anything of it until someone made the comments to me. We don't *want* to spend every second together - it makes the ones we do spend even better. And we've got plenty of other trips planned, so it's not like I'm leaving him home and never doing anything with him. But he doesn't want to go to Australia, I am dying to, so the obvious choice is to take a trip when it's offered and feasible, right?

I'm just going to have to learn to tell people to 'fuck off' more often.

Ava
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  #5  
Old 05-28-2004, 07:50 PM
Scarlett67 Scarlett67 is offline
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Mr. S and I are one of those joined-at-the-hip couples -- we like to spend as much time as possible together, and don't enjoy experiences as much if the other one isn't there. Excluding the periods when we worked different shifts, I can count on one hand the nights we have slept apart in 14 years, and still have plenty of room left over.

Having said that, I think your trip sounds like a great idea! We also have friends who spend lots of time apart because that's how it works for THEM.

Have fun!
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  #6  
Old 05-28-2004, 08:02 PM
pepperlandgirl pepperlandgirl is offline
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I'm going to Italy for 3 weeks without my husband in January. We're one of the joined-at-the-hip couples, but you know what? Sometimes these things are just too good to pass up....I think you'll regret it more if you don't go. I think you should go and have fun and bring him back something nice.
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Old 05-28-2004, 08:03 PM
Elza B Elza B is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarlett67
Mr. S and I are one of those joined-at-the-hip couples -- we like to spend as much time as possible together, and don't enjoy experiences as much if the other one isn't there. Excluding the periods when we worked different shifts, I can count on one hand the nights we have slept apart in 14 years, and still have plenty of room left over.

Having said that, I think your trip sounds like a great idea! We also have friends who spend lots of time apart because that's how it works for THEM.

Have fun!
You know what's funny? For 28 years, I slept by myself in beds - mostly full and queen size. I never had problems sleeping. Now that we've been living together for a few months, I go to bed earlier than he does, and I find that I can't REALLY sleep until he comes to bed. I drift in and out of sleep, but I don't truly fall asleep until he's next to me. It's weird - I love having him there when I sleep and just being able to feel that he's there, even if I don't see him. And I do get antsy when he's late coming home from work. He always gets home later than I do, and man...I miss him. We really don't spend much time apart at all - aside from a weekend trip for one of my bridal showers last weekend, and seeing a movie with a friend one night, we usually spend every evening and weekend together.

Thanks! The hardest part is that it's a year and a half away! But I'm even more looking forward to our Pennsylvania and Florida trips - we've never had a trip where it's just us for more than 2 days. We've done Vegas, but that was with all of my family and a bunch of friends. I'm looking forward to having him all to myself in a hotel room for four days.

Ava
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Old 05-28-2004, 09:01 PM
LouisB LouisB is offline
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If Marcie had a shot at a trip like that, I'd tell her to go in a heartbeat. I would be happy she had the opportunity. I absolutely know that she would tell me the same thing if I had the opportunity. The main difference is that she would actually go without me but I wouldn't go without her.

My advice is that you go, have a great time, take lots of pictures and remember the adventure for the rest of your life.
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Old 05-28-2004, 09:34 PM
Suburban Plankton Suburban Plankton is offline
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Rhiannon8404 went from California to London to visit her sister for a "long weekend" a few years ago. She has taken trips to visit friends in the Midwest several times, and is going to Italy for two weeks next Spring with her mother and sister. It hasn't hurt our relationship at all.

We do also travel together, by the way. Usually we stay a bit closer to home, up and down the West Coast. We did a week in London last year (with our 4 year old son) and are planning a family trip for next year. We are trying to decide between Disneyworld, a Caribbean cruise, or a driving trip through Ireland.
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Old 05-28-2004, 09:43 PM
Elza B Elza B is offline
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Thanks, everyone! I actually feel fine about it now. It was just the way these people reacted, you'd think we were committing adultery to travel without one another. But if he were given the same opportunity, I'd definitely encourage him to go. I'd miss him, obviously, but I wouldn't want him to turn something like that down.

Ava
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  #11  
Old 05-28-2004, 10:52 PM
RindaRinda RindaRinda is offline
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My husband and I do most things together...except travel. Our travelling styles are just too different. I get up at the crack of dawn and wander around for hours and hours, poking around into markets, trying to get a feel for the local people's lives. Hubby likes to lie around on vacations. I've been to Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam without him, and I've met many, many solo women travellers while there. What you're doing is not at all that unusual to me.

An interesting note - I know few Japanese married couples who do anything together, much less travel.
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Old 05-29-2004, 06:27 PM
BoBettie BoBettie is offline
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My husband and I travel separately often- several times a year for a few weeks at at a time. I've done Vegas once without him and will do so again, and he takes weeks long bike trips all over the place. We're not generally interested in the same long vacation destinations, so we go separately. We're pretty independent people, though, and this doesn't work for everyone. (and trusting)

As for the OMG GOD, you're going to Australia/Vegas/the grocery store WITHOUT YOUR HUSBAND? people, chalk it up to jealousy, which it usually is.
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Old 05-29-2004, 07:20 PM
TVeblen TVeblen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by avabeth
It was just the way these people reacted, you'd think we were committing adultery to travel without one another. But if he were given the same opportunity, I'd definitely encourage him to go. I'd miss him, obviously, but I wouldn't want him to turn something like that down.
Surely his reaction is the only one that really matters. It sounds like you have a generous, fair view about reciprocity, i.e. you're not proposing anything you wouldn't willing offer in return. If he's fine with it, go and have a blast. Outsiders don't have a vote.
This thread has shown how flexible marriages can be. Go with what works for you two, and *ppffft!* to nosy critics.
FWIW, I greatly admire your sense and sensibility in handling this, Ava. I handled it very badly. Both my mother and ex-husband loved to travel--especially with me because I was so easy-going their preferences always ruled. I couldn't even go on business trips without both of 'em immediately guilt-tripping me if they couldn't go along. It was very stifling and I grew to hate it. Why couldn't they, just once, say "Have a great trip, dear! Have fun"?

IMO your healthy sense of self-worth and equal generosity bodes well for your (shared) future.

Veb
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Old 05-29-2004, 07:56 PM
DeVena DeVena is offline
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As I write this, DeHusband has "abandoned" me for a week in the wilds of New Mexico where he's currently meditating on a mesa with my mother-in-law. Thank God. I miss him horribly but I'm glad he could go and see his family and friends and get all filled up with family time. I practically pushed him out the door! He gets a week with his mother. And I don't. Sounds fair to me!


Go. Have a wonderful time. Take tons of pictures and call often. And remember the cardinal rule of vacationing without the spouse. Buy him something. It doesn't have to be expensive - just something that shows you were thinking about him a little. Just try to stay away from ubiquitous touristy crap.
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  #15  
Old 05-29-2004, 08:31 PM
MovieMogul MovieMogul is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pepperlandgirl
We're one of the joined-at-the-hip couples, but you know what? Sometimes these things are just too good to pass up....I think you'll regret it more if you don't go. I think you should go and have fun and bring him back something nice.
Ditto. Mrs. AG & I love to travel and do as much together as we can. But sometimes, things come up that usually prevent one of us (usually me) joining the other. If it's a place we've promised to go together, then one of us knows the way around better. If it's a place we'd never considered much, then one is scouting for the other. And if it's a place the stay-home partner has little interest in visiting, then no harm no foul.

Go. Guilt-free. (And in addition to a gift, take lots of pictures).
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