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#1
10-26-2004, 11:07 AM
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Your worst foot-in-mouth episode.
Something my husband told me yesterday inspired me to start this thread. He works in a craft store, and was working on a store display while his boss was working the till. A customer came up and dumped a whole bunch of packages of feathers on the counter. His boss was focusing on sorting the product and had not yet looked at the customer. As his boss was ringing them through, he casually remarked, "Buying decorations for your Indian costume?" Customer did not respond.
Boss looked up. Customer was a big Native guy. My husband said his boss turned all different shades of red and apologized a million times. I would try to remember one of my stories to relate, but I can't think of one nearly as embarrasing as that one. 
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#2
10-26-2004, 11:16 AM
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Ooo, I got plenty of these, let me see...
Most recent one: I was working the front cash at my job (a local grocery store) and someone with short-cropped hair and a t-shirt with jeans had just nicked something off the counter. "Sir!" I yelled loudly at the retreating figure, flailing my arms, pointing, wondering why he wasn't turning around. "Sir! Sir!" One of the grocery guys finally tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around. It wasn't a he.  Everyone was staring, the other cashiers were convulsing with laughter, and I think I sunk into the floor then and there...
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#3
10-26-2004, 11:22 AM
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We had a new receptionist. She was cute. Really cute.
I came out front as she was unpacking the box of supplies that had just come in from Staples. She pulled out a very fancy-looking document stand. My natural reply: "Hey, nice rack." It wasn't even fully out of my mouth before I realized what I had said. I turned and walked away, composed myself, and went back to apologize. No harm done, thank Og!
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#4
10-26-2004, 11:28 AM
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I was trying to get a friend to sign a petition. She was being hesitant, and I said "Look, it's just a petition for a new school. It's not like we're asking for your first born."
I then remembered that her first born son had been a victim of a murder suicide by his father in one of those horrendous custody battles that never happen to anyone you know, until it does. I damn near died, and she just left without signing.
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#5
10-26-2004, 11:30 AM
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Walking through a parking lot with a friend I spy a Pontiac Aztek and say loudly to my friend "Who in their right mind would drive an ugly ass car like that?"
As we walk by it I notice the driver sitting in it with their window open. Walking down a path in a public park (forest) with my two nephews. They decide to run ahead on the trail. As they disappear around the corner I yell after them jokingly "Look out for the elephants!" As I round the blind corner I come face to face with an agry looking very obese couple. My face red all I can mutter as I walk by them is "hi."
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#6
10-26-2004, 11:59 AM
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In college I was walking to the central building on our campus that housed things like mailboxes and a cafe. There were four of us, I was carrying on a conversation with my friend, and they were carrying on an animated conversation in Arabic. Tariq was illustrating some point by making a chopping motion with his right hand at the elbow joint of his left arm and laughing. We all look up to see a guy with serious venom in his eyes, he was, of course, missing his left arm below the elbow.
Apparently this gesture is common among Arabic speakers, and means something far different from, "Hey look at him, he has no arm!". I wish I could remember what it means, because it made perfect sense when he explained it later.
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#7
10-26-2004, 12:05 PM
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When I was a kid, our family had a pet raccoon (you can already see where this is going). One day, she turned up missing, and my father went round to the various neighbors (the nearest was a half mile away) too see if she had wandered that far.
So he goes to the third or fourth house, and asks if they had seen our "little black coon", and only then realizes that the guy he is talking to is black. Fortunately, the guy had a sense of humor, realized exactly what was going on, and took no offense.
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#8
10-26-2004, 12:08 PM
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When I was in my early teens, I was somewhat under-socialized and usually on the fringes of any cliques at best. I had not yet learned the value of thinking through what popped into my head before it came out of my mouth.
So at Christian summer camp, we're hiking along some trail and my camp counselor exclaims: "Look at how big and baggy these jeans are on me! Why did my mom buy me such huge pants?" I, without a single filtering or screening process in my head, immediately reply: "Maybe because she thought you were fat."  Everyone went dead silent, and the counselor looked very hurt. No one really talked to me for the rest of the day. I later apologized to the girl and told her that I didn't mean it, that I had no idea why I said it and I wasn't trying to be hurtful. She accepted my apology and brushed it off laughingly, saying that she often said stupid stuff too. But to this day I feel horrible about it, and I still don't know why that thought popped in my head, especially considering I was heavier than the camp counselor in question at the time! (Perhaps it was some subliminal self-loathing projecting itself?  )Even though the girl forgave me, I know how comments like that stick with you for the rest of your life, popping up when you're at your most vulnerable. I don't think I'll ever live that moment down, and truly hope my insincere brain chatter didn't scar her forever! 
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#9
10-26-2004, 12:16 PM
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A woman I work with married a guy at our office. He subsequently got a job somewhere else. His wife was working in my area and we were very friendly.
One day a group of us were chatting and I asked about her husband. "How is C," I asked, "He's a nice guy. I wonder when he will come to his senses and dump you." "Well he already has," she replied, "He's left me for someone else." I thought I was going to die on the spot until I heard myself saying, "Gee I always said he's a nice guy but I nevere said he was smart. What an idiot." I got a hug and kept a friend which was lucky. I'm sure I responded before I had time to think. The worst one I ever heard was at the pub. A bunch of us were congratulating a friend on her pregnancy and one guy blurted out, "I hope the baby isn't stillborn." It was obvious looking at him that he didn't know what he had said, it was just what he was thinking. I felt uncomfortable for everyone but most people got angry.
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#10
10-26-2004, 12:26 PM
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One of my worst was in high school. Before school, a bunch of us would hang around chatting waiting for the first bell, and B. was obviously upset about something. I enquired, and I was informed her cat had died the night before...so my lovely brain, knowing humor *always* cheers people up...
...well, I asked if she flushed the cat down the toilet . Cue everyone staring at me like I'd suddenly grown a second head, my friend B. bursting into a fresh crying jag, and me suddenly realizing what an awful thing I'd said. I think I spent the rest of the week apologizing for that one.
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#11
10-26-2004, 12:27 PM
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Mine still gives me shivers evertime I think about it.
In high school, I was on a field trip to the National Aquarium in Baltimore, and we were given time to hit some of the shops in the Inner Harbor. Me and a couple of friends were in a sporting goods store, and I saw something I wanted to show my friend. His last name was Kuhns, which we had shortened to Kuhn as a nickname. I shouted across the store to him "Hey Kuhn, look at this. Hey.....Kuhn, look at this." It was then that I noticed an African American man between me and my friend glaring at me, and looking like he was about to knock my teeth down my throat. I immediately realized what was going on. He assumed I was talking to him by refering to him with a racial epithet. I quickly said my friends first name and actual last name to hopefully smooth over the situation. I so badly wanted to go up to the man and explain myself, but I don't think I could have even gotten the words out.
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#12
10-26-2004, 12:34 PM
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A stupid boyfriend took me to meet his family. At dinner, I was sitting next to a charming, delightful young man who appeared to be around 10. At some point I called him "kid", and he said, "I'm not a kid." "What are you then," I chortled, "a midget?"
A deathly silence fell upon the room.
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#13
10-26-2004, 12:42 PM
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A group of us were sitting in a restaurant at a rather small table. One of my friends was playing busboy, stacking dishes, moving things out of the way, etc. He asked if anyone wanted water, so we all held our glasses out, and he began to pour. I said, in my typical "If you didn't know me, you'd swear I was a bitch" voice "I hope you don't think you're getting a tip. I heard a meek "OK" and looked up to see a very embarassed looking waitress, who thought I was talking to her. (I swear she appeared out of nowhere).
Didn't help that the entire group burst into laughter.
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#14
10-26-2004, 12:45 PM
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#16
10-26-2004, 01:34 PM
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I don't have an example that would top any of these but I do have one that I still feel badly about.
A few years ago, my father-in-law was recovering from a very serious car accident and had just recently returned home from a long stay in the hospital. I went to visit after a really long day. I was tired and felt like I was coming down with a cold. What did I say as soon as I sat down in the living room where my father-in-law was laid up on the couch in his casts and stitches? "Boy, I feel like I've been run over by a Mack truck!" My father-in-law actually had been run over by a Mack truck (or T-boned, rather).
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#17
10-26-2004, 01:37 PM
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My doctor had a new receptionist and we were shooting the breeze before I was called into the office. One thing she mentioned to me was that she volunteered with at risk youth. She had good and bad stories about how some of the kids turned out.
Later we were talking about restaurants and that we both agreed on the best place in town for breakfast. She asked me, "you know the thin gal who wears a long braid on Sunday mornings?" Thinking it was one of her at risk kids I replied, "you mean the one who acts like a tweaker (speed addict)?" "Yeah, that's my daughter." I felt sick to my stomach. Then she told me not to worry. They didn't talk much because the daughter really did have a problem with speed. Haj
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#18
10-26-2004, 01:43 PM
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Wow, after reading some of these I fell a lot better about mine. It really is a toss-up between the midget and the murdered first-born.
My mother and her good friend were showing me some wedding photos of her friend's oldest son, whom I hadn't seen in years. I looked at it for a second and then blurted out: "Oh my god, is that LOU!?! I can't believe how much wiehgt he's gai..." and looked up to see them both staring at me horrified. I felt like such an ass. Calling my mom's friend's son fat. Very classy.
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#20
10-26-2004, 01:49 PM
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Oooh...this is my specialty.
Me: "Are you excited about your party this weekend?" Her: "Huh?" Her friends who were throwing the surprise party:  Some time later I was sitting with friends having coffee, talking and trying to keep the conversation light as one of our friends had just had his house burned to the ground. I was genius enough to use the phrase "Fire Engine Red" in one of my "keep the mood light" stories. Everyone at the table just looked at me like I had gone mad.....then we had a good laugh at how I ALWAYS do/say things like that. 
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#21
10-26-2004, 02:02 PM
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Another one that I think horrified my wife, I am sure, however, that my father took it in stride.
My father had a heart attack last year and was diagnosed with diabetes. Shortly after he got out of the hospital we were all sitting around having Sunday dinner trying to cheer him up. The subject of the SDMB death pool came up and we were discussing my picks for this year. He asked how I decided on Wilford Brimley and BB King. I just blurted out, "They do diabetes commercials, they can't have long left now. That disease is a killer." This was meant as a flip joke, but I don't think it went very far towards cheering him up.
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#22
10-26-2004, 02:19 PM
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Given my knack for this kind of stuff, I'm sure I should have a bunch of these stories to tell, but for some reason the only one I can think of actually happened to a friend of mine in college. He was an avid bowler from a family of bowlers, and one night while he was out watching his dad's team bowl, he was introduced to the daughter of one of his dad's teammates, who had Down's syndrome. When he was told that she really enjoyed bowling also, his response was "Cool! What's your handicap?"
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#23
10-26-2004, 04:45 PM
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Senior Prom, sitting in a French restaurant with seven other people. Conversation was going full steam, except for one boy, who was looking a little dejected. He says "No one's talking to me. I guess I will just go out to the limo and suck some carbon monoxide."
Right out of my mouth pops "Promises, promises. We want results, man!" Ok, so he was a whiny baby, but I didn't really need to say that, either.
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#24
10-26-2004, 04:51 PM
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#25
10-26-2004, 05:43 PM
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My worst was at a party.
I met the sister of my high-school wrestling coach (F). I was telling her how much I had always liked F, and I mentioned I had recently seen F on the public access TV station discussing local election results. I was telling her how interesting F was on the program, but then I made some sort of joke about how I just wished that F would have stopped coughing into the microphone. Her eyes seemed to immediately well up, and she walked away from me. I didn't make much of it, but of course, I learned a few days later that F had just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Yeah, I still feel bad, 3 years later.
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#26
10-26-2004, 07:01 PM
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I had a friend whose father was diagnosed with cancer a few months earlier. I was under the impression that he had quite some time to go and was treatable at the time of this occurrence..
Anyway, I walk into my place of employment, where he's standing, and he asks me how I'm doing. I was in a pissy mood, but I'm thinking, his dad is sick.. but this doesn't register fast enough for me to curb my tonge ..and out blurts "Probably better than you." Which said in a different tone may have been less awful.. He kind of laughs and says "You're right, my father passed away last night." I was absolutely mortified, but he thought it was hilarious. Well, Woody, if it brightens your day, I'll embarass myself any time.
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#27
10-26-2004, 07:31 PM
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Mine is going on right now, over in the "Cecil's Columns" forum.
If I never hear a word about low level atomic radiation again, it'll be too soon.
__________________
There's an Initiation Ceremony. It involves a Squid and a Goat. You're gonna be good friends with that Goat. The Squid will not exactly be a stranger, either. ~~Me, on the SDMB Initiation
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#28
10-27-2004, 01:36 AM
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... So I'm in high school and I go to visit my girlfriend at band camp, and we're talking about a really really cute friend of hers (whom we will call A.) who had just started going out with this kinda dorky guy we both knew. Now, I liked said guy... I also appreciated A.'s good looks so I said and I quote "Really? J. Is going out with her? I hope he get's some of that!" No sooner had the words crossed my lips do I see my girlfriend's horrified expression and I hear an "Ahem" from behind me. My girlfriend then says "Lokij I'd like you to meet A.'s mom.."
No coming back from that one.
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#29
10-27-2004, 10:15 AM
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Not quite foot in mouth but close enough...
I was standing outside a grocery store waiting for my friend to get off the payphone. Out of the store walks a woman pulling a cart with a teenage girl (I presume is her daughter) pushing the cart. The daughter has down's syndrone and is continually cocking her head side to side. They make their way to their car. I then cock my head side to side in order to crack my neck. The mother looks at me just at that moment. I felt awful. Several minutes later my friend is off the phone and comes over to me. Thinking the woman and her daughter had left by now I tell the story to my friend. Just as I show her the side to side head motion I look over and see the woman still in the parking lot once again looking at me. Oh, how I wanted to tell that woman the story so that she would realize that I wasn't mocking her daughter.
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#30
10-27-2004, 10:39 AM
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Not me but my father.
My father was a gruff, abrasive sort who loved giving my boyfriends a hard time. It's amazing anyone ever went out with me more than once, after meeting daddy dearest. He had been out of town quite a bit and hadn't been introduced to my current flame who had contracted polio as a child and walked with a pronounced limp. BF and I come into the living room, dad turns around and says "Hey, you're limping kid. What she do-kick you at the movie?" BF smiles politely and replies 'No sir, I had polio as a kid and I always walk like this." Dad turned crimson, muttered something and left the room.
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#31
10-27-2004, 11:22 AM
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When I was married to my ex we lived in a house that he owned before I met him. There were always problems with the house (i.e. bad windows and doors, cracks in the walls, bad plaster jobs etc.) I made a comment while we were visiting at his parents home that I thought that whoever he bought
the house from must have maintained it with cardboard and scotch tape. I learned later that he had purchased the house from his sister
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#34
10-27-2004, 12:21 PM
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And her solution was to stop talking to her daughter? Gee, what a wonderful mother! It's great that she can just cast off her own daughter as one of "them". After all, there's no reason to talk to tweakers. They're not human like us, right?
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#35
10-27-2004, 12:26 PM
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Uh, isn't it possible that the reason that "they didn't talk much because she was on speed" is because maybe, just maybe, the daughter became flaky and impossible to get in touch with? Maybe the daughter imposed the communication blocks? I mean, it is entirely possible that you're right, but I'm pretty sure we have absolutely not enough information to start jumping down some unseen women's throat for circumstances about which we know nothing.
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#36
10-27-2004, 12:28 PM
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Especially, I meant to add, considering the fact that the woman voluntarily works with at-risk youth.
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#37
10-27-2004, 12:39 PM
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Well, now everyone knows my foot-in-mouth episode.And yeah, that's true, I hadn't really thought about that. Whoops...
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#38
10-27-2004, 12:45 PM
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Actually, I have another bad one. (This happened in #straightdope, actually.) Someone said that she was annoyed at her boyfriend for looking at porn, to which I replied, "If you want a relationship with someone who doesn't look at porn, I'm afraid you might be looking at the wrong gender."
Well, she was a rape victim, and pornography was a part of the rape(s?) and thus was permanently associated with traumas in her memory. I guess that was the first good reason I'd heard for someone to make their bf stop looking at porn... (he had promised to, as well, it turns out; so regardless he shouldn't have broken his promise). I probably haven't lived that one down yet.
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#39
10-27-2004, 12:46 PM
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I was at my very first adult cocktail party, a christmas party given by my older sisters company. I was about 16.
For some reason, nerves I guess, I got into a joke telling mood and went into this really, really bad joke that was going around at the time about a retarded child waiting for the school bus. It involved much slurring and flailing (I know, I know, its not PC, but nobody was politically correct back then) and by the time I was about half way through I had quite the crowd around me. I get all the way to the end of the joke, pull out the punchline, and the guy I'm telling the joke to, my sister's boss by the way, looks at me completely deadpan, takes a sip of his martini, and says "My daughter is mentally handicapped". I have never felt comfortable at cocktail parties after that. I'm afraid I'm going to do it again!
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#40
10-27-2004, 12:53 PM
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Recently, a friend and I paid a visit to a lady who had terminal cancer. She had been through months and months of radiation treatments. Her time was getting short and we wanted to see her and her family together one last time. When it came time for us to leave, my friend said "Well, I guess we should be getting out of your hair now!". The radiation had left her completely bald. I cast a horrified glance at her and her family but they took the comment in stride. My buddy didn't even realize what he'd said. When I later mentioned his choice of words he turned 13 shades of red.
When I was about 19, some close friends of our family were visiting at my parents house. They joyously announced that their only daughter, who is a couple of years younger than me, was getting married. I piped up with "Cool! When's the baby due"? Dead silence. The baby came about 5 months later.
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#41
10-27-2004, 01:02 PM
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My friends and I went to Six Flags last summer. We were waiting in line to go on a water-rapids ride (6-8 people on this circular raft thing that splashes its way along a makeshift river). Waiting in the hot sun made the actual ride 500% funner. There was an Indian family in the raft with us, and the dad sounded exactly like Apu from the Simpsons
 While all of us were laughing an shrieking, he was pretty deadpan during the whole ride, but appeared to enjoy it. He was saying "Oh my gosh!" about a thousand times every time water splashed into the raft.After the ride, we were very hungry so we ate at a nearby eatery next to the ride. I was talking to my friends about the guy, emulated his accented "Oh, my gosh!", and one of my friends gives this pained expression and kind of gestures for me to look in a direction. In the corner of my eye, I can see the entire family that was with us on the ride was standing behind us in the line for the eatery
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#42
10-27-2004, 01:31 PM
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Eons ago, I worked for an OBGYN/Fertility specialist. One of the fertility treatments we would perform would be artificial insemination with either the husband's sperm, or donor sperm. While not all of our pregnant patients were pregnant as a result of fertility treatments, most everyone who became pregant while undergoing fertility treatments stayed with the practice throughout their pregnancy.
As is common with almost every single woman who has ever had a baby, the patients would bring their babies on their post partum visits, and we'd all oohhh and ahhh over them. New to the job, a patient's husband came in one morning to pick up something for his wife who had just gone through a rough delivery, but they had a healthy baby boy as a result. He was beaming at telling us how healthy and beautiful his son was, but because he was so new, they didn't have any pictures to show as of yet. So, I, thinking of his beautiful wife who had long, thick black hair (and he wasn't all that easy on the eyes), say, "Oh, who does the baby look like?" Dead silence. I thought I heard crickets in the background. Finally, the husband says, "He looks like his mother." Later, another employee handed me the chart. The baby was a result of an infertility treatment using donor sperm.
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#43
10-27-2004, 01:31 PM
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I've had several memorable foot-in-mouth experiences, but the one that stands out in my mind happened when I was about 16 years old and working my summer job as a nurse's aide at the local hospital in a small midwestern town.
I was assisting this patient who had several medical issues, the most severe being diabetes. She had just had her second leg amputated at the knee and was having complications. Since she had been in the hospital for awhile on this visit as well as previous visits, it was common to have conversations of a little more depth than normal. This one particular time, she was depressed. Her family members were no longer visiting her as they had at the beginning of her stay. I was doing my best to ease her mind and comfort her. She told me one of the reasons/excuses a family member had given and it didn't make any sense to me. So, I SAID, "Oh I think they were just kidding with you. I'm sure they were just pulling your l...... Of course, I realized at the last second what I was saying and never actually said "LEG", but it was the most horribly awkward and insensitive thing I had uttered to another human! I felt terrible about it and almost 30 years later, I STILL am aghast at my verbal blunder. From then on, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!!! Tough lesson.
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#44
10-27-2004, 02:16 PM
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I don't know that mine counts as foot-in-mouth, but it was definitely inappropriate. When I was in high school, I went on an 8-day mountain-climbing trip with a Christian (very Christian) youth group. Not three hours into the very first day, I was walking along with one girl that I didn't know well, describing a windsurfing lesson I'd taken. I was telling her that the instructor talked just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and she kept asking what I meant. Finally, in frustration, I burst out, "Jesus Christ, Megan!" To which she snapped, "Don't take the Lord's name in vain!" I apologized, but things were chilly between us after that.
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#45
10-27-2004, 02:32 PM
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One of my co-workers was showing me pictures of her grandaughter, who was about a year old. For whatever reason, I had never seem her picture. The little girl had obviously taken a tumble and had a big cut.scab on her face. I ask how she fell and a silence hits the room. I, of course, continue. How did she get the big red mark on her face?
It was a port wine stain birthmark. Then I try to recover by saying it is barely noticeable and so on and so forth. I wanted to die.
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#46
10-27-2004, 02:55 PM
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I was woking in the machine shop with my buddie,our boss and a new girl.
Bossman taks off his big, heavy duty rubber gloves and is holding them. As we stand there and scuttlebutt for a few,boss happens to hold up gloves and taje a whiff proclaiming "man, this glove smells like a rotten cunt". I say "you expect it to smell like roses?" The new girl's name was ROSE!
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#47
10-27-2004, 03:08 PM
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(I love telling this story, now that I've gotten permission from the agrieved party to repeat it, and now that it's a few years in the past)
So I was dating a woman who'd suffered from abuse in her childhood. One evening, she was having really bad flashbacks to the sexual abuse she'd suffered at the hands of an uncle. I was trying my best to be be Good Sensitive Boyfriend, and cheer her up, and so forth. One of the things I did was quote the line "We were led to believe that there would be punch and pie", from South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, which actually caused her to start laughing. Figuring that I was on a winning tack, I cast my mind around quickly for another line from that movie, and the next thing that popped out of my mouth was: SPOILER:
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#48
10-27-2004, 03:13 PM
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OK, I think Max wins at least a very (dis)honorable mention.
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#49
10-27-2004, 04:09 PM
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Okay, not one for me per se but for my friend Jim.
Not foot-in-mouth but more foot-in-butt? Jim: During lunch hour myself and buddy Jim liked to go into Barnes and Noble while it was dead and read magazines. Jim had his face in a cycle magazine and I snuck down to the other end of the rack. I was startled by some commotion and when I looked up Jim was apologizing to and older woman who was walking away with a disgusted look on her face. He then approached me quickly with a beet red face, grabbed my arm, and said "we have to leave now". Upon getting outside Jim said he thought I was still next to him and decided to do the "guy joke" thing and walk backwards into me, backing me into a corner, and then farting on me. He said he was terrified when in mid chuckle he looked up and saw me at the other end of the rack.
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#50
10-27-2004, 04:15 PM
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Went to see a friend in the Rocky Horror Picture Show on Broadway one night. After the show, we met him and a couple of his friends for drinks across the street.
I ended up talking to this one guy and we hit it off - in the middle of our discussion, he says "Hey, you know that song from A Wedding Story on TLC? That 'Love Is All There Is' song?". Not thinking, the first words out of my mouth are "Oh, yeah! I know that song! I hate it!" Without missing a beat, he looks me dead in the eye and says "I wrote it." I turned eighty shades of red, green, and purple and apologized. Luckily, he laughed it off and said he wasn't fond of it either, but they wanteda 'touching' song for the show. I try to think before I speak now. It doesn't always happen. Ava
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