I Am Now An Official Geezer

[swampbear]

That's right. My permanent AARP (that's American Association of Retired Persons for those not in the know) card came in the mail today. Now, get outta my way, you whippersnappers, while I drive 20MPH down the middle of the road searchin' for me some senior citizen discounts.

Actually, I am not entitled to all of the benefits just yet. I am 50 years old, a mere pup by AARP standards. However, as I age, I get to move up to more and more old geezer stuff. That's how I shall measure my life from now on. Birthday milestones henceforth shall be measured by whether or not I move up a notch in AARP benefits.

Now, if you all will excuse me,I'll just hitch my pants up around my chest and go shopping. Let's see, I need:

• Efferdent
• PoliGrip
• Geritol
• A Truss
• Trifocals
• An Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer
• Peppermint (I'm old, I'm supposed to have hard candy on me)
• Preparation H

Dagnabbit! Where are those car keys! Why do I need car keys am I going somewhere?

[gigi]

Originally Posted by swampbear

An Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer

Jeez, I read that like the medical field, as "ear, nose and throat trimmer" Be careful with that thing

[FairyChatMom]

Welcome to the club! Some of us age better than others...

So, ya wanna gripe about how expensive medicines and sit around comparing symptoms?

[Baker]

Hee hee! Look at the old fart! I don't turn 50 for umm, well, uh, twenty nine days yet!

[VunderBob]

Originally Posted by swampbear

*An Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer

I didn't mind going gray in my 20s, nor did I care when I started balding in my 30s. But g*ddammit, I'm in my 40s, and I have to have my earlobes trimmed when I go to the barber. That's an insult!

[Bumbazine]

Welcome to the club, ya old fart.

Don't forget to get a case of Metamucil. You are eating plenty of fiber, right?

And it's lemon drops, not peppermints. Peppermints give ya heartburn.

BTW, Costco has the best prices on meds. Write that down, you won't remember it 10 minutes from now.

[scout1222]

Originally Posted by VunderBob

But g*ddammit, I'm in my 40s, and I have to have my earlobes trimmed when I go to the barber. That's an insult!

Just a note, my friend. When you go in to the barber's next time, make sure you don't ask for your earlobes to be trimmed. In addition to insulting, it's probably pretty painful.

Swampy, when you're toodling at 20mph make sure to leave a blinker on.

[VunderBob]

Originally Posted by scout1222

Just a note, my friend. When you go in to the barber's next time, make sure you don't ask for your earlobes to be trimmed. In addition to insulting, it's probably pretty painful.

It's less painful than the 2 times in the last 6 months that I've nearly ripped out my hoop earring...

[harmless]

: runs through thread in youthful exuberance, turns a corner and runs smack into 30 :

Congrats on the discounts…take me to Denny’s, grampsy?

[FairyChatMom]

You have an earring? How did I not notice that? I must have been captivated by your eyes....

[VunderBob]

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."

The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

[silenus]

[Nelson]Ha-ha![/Nelson]

I don't hit 50 for, oh........over 100 days! Wheeeeeeeee!

[Ignatz]

The principal "benefit" you will derive for the next few decades will be their weekly mailed spam solicitations to buy their insurance.

[chaoticbear]

I don't turn 50 for... almost 32 more years!

(It's OK that you're 50. I'm still stalking you.)

[kunilou]

Welcome to the club, you young punk.

I don't mind having my ears and eyebrows trimmed. I've lost so much hair off the top of my head it's the only way I feel like I'm getting my money's worth from the barber.

The only thing that really bothers me is the occasional bout with short -term memory loss. I don't mind having my ears and eyebrows trimmed. I've lost so much hair off the top of my head it's the only way I feel like I'm getting my money's worth from the barber.

The only thing that really bothers me is the occasional bout with short-term memory loss.

[John Carter of Mars]

There's something called a doper brat-pack. Maybe it's time to form a Geezer Group? Or somethin'.

[twickster]

**Hobbles in, slowly, belatedly**

Eh? Eh? Is this where the geezers are gathering? Baker and I will be back in 29 days to join you...

[kevja]

I turned 50 last April and got the invitation. I didn't apply because I missed the deadline on the form. They've sent me a couple of others since. Maybe I'll join. Someday.

But one thing that made me feel even older than getting that in the mail was when I was at one of San Francisco's finest restaurants, a place called Denny's, and on the back of the menu was the selections "for our guest over 55."

Jeeze, less than four and a half years and I can order from the senior menu. That made me feel old.

[TellMeI'mNotCrazy]

Ohhhh you're OLD. They say tastebuds are the first thing to go.

[harmless]

In Denny's case, that may be a good thing.

As for the "doper brat-pack", we....um...I mean, they don't really exist.

[Reeder]

Damn whippersnappers.


All they do is gripe gripe gripe.


Be glad you are getting older.


Consider the alternative.

[Paul in Qatar]

(Pardon a serious question.)

Why would I want to join AARP? Do I get anything? Discounts on soft foods?

[Sunspace]

I don't need to learn how to geeze for another... eight years and change.

Fortunately.

[The King of Soup]

Congratulations, swampbear! Hie thee to the early-bird special, and don't spare the horses!

I'm curious about the stress you put on the word permanent in describing your AARP card. Does this mean that there is a period of provisional geezerhood, during which you can practice yelling at kids playing ball in the street but only under the supervision of a 70-year-old?

Geezer Patrol: Excuse me sir, your I.D. indicates that you're only 50. Do you have a license to wear plaid shorts, black socks, and leather sandals?

swampbear: Um...I have my mother's permission. And I watch Lawrence Welk reruns on PBS.

Geezer Patrol: Not good enough, I'm afraid. I'll let you go with a warning, but I'll have to take those Andy Williams albums. You can pick them up at the station when you get your permanent card.

Best regards and wishes for your second fifty years.

[Rue DeDay]

Originally Posted by TellMeI'mNotCrazy

Ohhhh you're OLD. They say tastebuds are the first thing to go.

Originally Posted by swampbear

Now, if you all will excuse me,I'll just hitch my pants up around my chest and go shopping. Let's see, I need:

• A Truss

Apparently it was his roof that went first.

So now that you're all old and stuff, do I have to be all respectful while you tell boring old stories of the Good Old Days, Mr. Swampington?

[swampbear]

King of Soup you ever consider a career as a stand up comic? Your posts are some of the best! Just after I turned 50 (in July) I got the welcome to AARP letter. I swear they must have spies everywhere! How do they know just exactly when? In said letter was my temporary[/b] AARP cards. They wanted me to send money for the real thing, so I did. Heck, gimme discounts. I'm not only a geezer, I'm a cheap geezer! Anyways, I got the [b]permanent, i.e. official card a couple days ago. As I said in the OP, apparently you get to qualify for more and more stuff the older you get. What, I don't know, but dagnabbit if'n I'm supposed to have it then gimmee. BTW, you left off the guayabera (or however it's spelled) shirt. It ain't the official old man geezer outfit without the shirt.

Paul in Saudi there are what appears to be some good discounts and stuff. Lots of restaurants, hotels, etc.. give discounts to AARP members. I figure between that and all these hotel discount cards I keep accumulating, I oughta get to stay places real cheap. I'm all for gimmees anytime I can get em. There's other stuff like the insurance (they've already started Ignatz. I got two this week!) which I've been told is decent supplementary medical insurance but I already got a good supplementary policy. Their website does a decent job of detailing membership benefits and stuff.

FCM, VunderBob, and Bumba, we need to ban together as the MMP Geezer Patrol.

chaoticdonkey watch it! Get too fresh and I'll beat you with my cane, you young whippersnapper!

kunilou, dude, that was funny!

Everybody else, glad y'all are enjoying my descent into geezerhood. At least I still got my hair, unlike my bald brothers.

[swampbear]

They say your coding skills are among the first to go. Oh and scout my official geezermobile, when I order it, will come standard with permanent flashing blinker.

[swampbear]

Originally Posted by Rue DeDay

Apparently it was his roof that went first.

So now that you're all old and stuff, do I have to be all respectful while you tell boring old stories of the Good Old Days, Mr. Swampington?

You consarned whippersnapper! If I could remember where I put my teeth, I'd put em in and bite you!

[The King of Soup]

Thanks, swampbear. Members like yourself convinced me to join. That, and the discount rate. Please forego the eterna-blinker option, though: I hate that. In fact I think there should be a device on every car such that, after the signal's been on for a quarter-mile or so, the car just automatically turns in that direction. As for the shirt, good call for bean suppers and trips out of town. For less formal occasions, striped knit vest sans shirt is de rigeur.

"...you get to qualify for more and more stuff the older you get. What, I don't know, but dagnabbit if'n I'm supposed to have it then gimmee." Perfect. And remember, the AARP discount isn't just a marketing gimmick: it's the law that from now on you don't have to pay as much as anybody else for anything. And if anybody anywhere gets anything free, you get that too, plus 15%.

Belated happy birthday, then, and too many more to bother counting them. And to answer your question, I paid the rent that way for a very short time. There's even a fair chance that you saw me if you frequented Atlanta comedy clubs 15-20 years ago. But I found that while the hour on stage was fun, the other 23 hours every day pretty much sucked pond water. So I found other things to do.

[Salem]

Originally Posted by swampbear

Lots of restaurants, hotels, etc.. give discounts to AARP members. I figure between that and all these hotel discount cards I keep accumulating, I oughta get to stay places real cheap.

Yes, but what they don't tell you is that, in order to qualify, you must bring your own rubber sheets.


My sister, who is _two years older than me, came over the other day with her reading glasses hanging around her neck. She was trying to bring me over to the Cult of the Corded.

[VunderBob]

Originally Posted by swampbear

FCM, VunderBob, and Bumba, we need to ban together as the MMP Geezer Patrol.

We need a catchier name than Geezer Patrol. Brat Pack is catchy, but it's taken by the under 30s...

[swampbear]

Originally Posted by VunderBob

We need a catchier name than Geezer Patrol. Brat Pack is catchy, but it's taken by the under 30s...

Hmmm... Geezer Herd? Senior Stampede?

Apparently I have persuaded King of Soup to join AARP? I wonder if there's prizes for getting new recruits, ya know, like what I get everytime I turn another one gay. Maybe I'll get a free case of Preparation H or surgical stockings.

Are we talking knit sweater vest sans shirt? Classy!

[VunderBob]

Originally Posted by swampbear

Hmmm... Geezer Herd? Senior Stampede?

Apparently I have persuaded King of Soup to join AARP? I wonder if there's prizes for getting new recruits, ya know, like what I get everytime I turn another one gay. Maybe I'll get a free case of Preparation H or surgical stockings.

Are we talking knit sweater vest sans shirt? Classy!

If you recruit a gay senior citizen to AARP is there a box of Poligrip inside your new toaster oven?

[silenus]

Fogey Flock? Old and In The Way? George Burns Appreciation Society? Dopers Emeritas' Prepared to Embrace Natty Demented Suits?

[Bookkeeper]

Originally Posted by swampbear

Hmmm... Geezer Herd? Senior Stampede?

Apparently I have persuaded King of Soup to join AARP? I wonder if there's prizes for getting new recruits, ya know, like what I get everytime I turn another one gay. Maybe I'll get a free case of Preparation H or surgical stockings.

Are we talking knit sweater vest sans shirt? Classy!

Crotchety Old Dopers!

[VunderBob]

Originally Posted by Bookkeeper

Crotchety Old Dopers!

The CODs ?!

[OldBroad]

Welcome to Geezerhood!

Yeah, yeah, there have been lots of cute comments about memory, polygrip, AARP, and....uh... memory, but don't forget the benefits.

As an official geezer you no longer have to give a rat's ass about what anyone else thnks. Plaid pants and an argyle sweater vest? Who cares? You're entitled. You're a geezer.

Of couse since you're only 50 and new to this phase, I do recommend that you start slowly so as not to frighten the neighbors. And it does take practice. You're the geezer equivalent of a teenager - no longer "young" but not yet a full-fledged geezer. By the time you reach 60 you'll have it down pat. Good luck.

[merrily]

Well, Swampy, you are years ahead of me, years I tells ya! (okay, next year it won't be plural, but until then, I get to be a Geezer Teezer).

Remember, Geezer is way better than Goner. And you can blame the hot pink capris on your age. In fact, you get to start blaming everything on your age.

[swampbear]

Originally Posted by merrily

Well, Swampy, you are years ahead of me, years I tells ya! (okay, next year it won't be plural, but until then, I get to be a Geezer Teezer).

Remember, Geezer is way better than Goner. And you can blame the hot pink capris on your age. In fact, you get to start blaming everything on your age.

Hmmmm... hot pink capris, a plaid sweater vest, black socks and sandals. Now, There's a look that says "I might be a geezer but I'm still gayer than a debutante!"

vunderbob if the geezer is already gay, that means somebody got a toaster loooooooooong time ago. If I convert said gay geezer to AARP, then I get a case of Gold Bond Medicated Powder or Depends. I get my choice! Plus a coupon for an extra 15% off the early bird special at Denney's.

[Tupug Anachi]

Originally Posted by VunderBob

We need a catchier name than Geezer Patrol. Brat Pack is catchy, but it's taken by the under 30s...

HEY! What about me???? I'm six years older than swampy. I should be at least a charter member of the Silver Symposium. (How's that for an appropriate name? Huh? Or maybe Platinum Patrol?

Anyhoo, I got that AARP letter when I turned myself but I refuse to join. Hell, I don't want coupons for Depends. For that matter, Mr. Swampington, ain't you supposed to give up your real house now and move down here and get a manufactured home in onna our assisted living developments? It's the law ya know. I hear Punta Gorda has some that are a steal.

Tupug (Going to Hell one brick at a time)

[merrily]

DON'T LISTEN TO TUPUG! We happen to know for a fact that, despite her username, she has four dogs! Yes, the scandal is out. She doesn't even know how many pets she has.

Which makes me wonder if, someday, Swampbear, you will look at your own username and start wondering where your pet bear went.

[Tupug Anachi]

Originally Posted by merrily

DON'T LISTEN TO TUPUG! We happen to know for a fact that, despite her username, she has four dogs! Yes, the scandal is out. She doesn't even know how many pets she has.

Which makes me wonder if, someday, Swampbear, you will look at your own username and start wondering where your pet bear went.

merry, are you insinuatin' I'm gonna be one o them ol' bats what ends up wif hunnerds of aminals runnin around in her house turnin' it into toxic waste????

[The Devil's Grandmother]

Originally Posted by swampbear

...while I drive 20MPH down the middle of the road searchin' for me some senior citizen discounts.

Don't forget to wear a hat, so we know you have the right to do this.

[swampbear]

I have a pet bear? Well, that would explain why there's poop all over the woods behind my house.

Puggy I'm torn between D.E.P.E.N.D.S. and C.O.D.S. for a name right now. What? I like acronyms. Maybe I'll buy a nice condo in Boca. I hear they have some really nice early bird specials there.

[Ponder Stibbons]

Originally Posted by VunderBob

We need a catchier name than Geezer Patrol. Brat Pack is catchy, but it's taken by the under 30s...

Senile Delinquents?

[5que]

Originally Posted by merrily

DON'T LISTEN TO TUPUG! We happen to know for a fact that, despite her username, she has four dogs!

Much work and pet acquisition/reproduction remains to reach the official House of Squalortm designation.

In 22 days I will be one year from AARP membership. I am preparing by yelling at those damn kids to get off my lawn!

Which ain't easy since I live in a townhouse and don't have a lawn

[swampbear]

Originally Posted by Ponder Stibbons

Senile Delinquents?

DING! DING! DING! DING! ... Somebody get the doorbell will ya?... We have a winner!

[twickster]

Originally Posted by 5que

I am preparing by yelling at those damn kids to get off my lawn!

Which ain't easy since I live in a townhouse and don't have a lawn

I'm pretty sure this would be irrelevant to a true geezer.

[Kalhoun]

Originally Posted by swampbear

That's right. My permanent AARP (that's American Association of Retired Persons for those not in the know) card came in the mail today. Now, get outta my way, you whippersnappers, while I drive 20MPH down the middle of the road searchin' for me some senior citizen discounts.

Actually, I am not entitled to all of the benefits just yet. I am 50 years old, a mere pup by AARP standards. However, as I age, I get to move up to more and more old geezer stuff. That's how I shall measure my life from now on. Birthday milestones henceforth shall be measured by whether or not I move up a notch in AARP benefits.

Now, if you all will excuse me,I'll just hitch my pants up around my chest and go shopping. Let's see, I need:

• Efferdent
• PoliGrip
• Geritol
• A Truss
• Trifocals
• An Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer
• Peppermint (I'm old, I'm supposed to have hard candy on me)
• Preparation H

Dagnabbit! Where are those car keys! Why do I need car keys am I going somewhere?

A true geezer carries butterscotch; not peppermint. At least you would if you were my grandma. Wonder why that is. Maybe to mask the "old people" smell?

[Tupug Anachi]

Originally Posted by 5que

Much work and pet acquisition/reproduction remains to reach the official House of Squalortm designation.

Believe me when I say that just three small dogs and one large one can provide hours of squalorly entertainment. But yas never know how kooky yu'll get in another ten years or so. Senile Delinquent Extraordinaire, don'tcha know.