I am living in a crack house

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

You all remember the continuing saga of my downstairs neighbors, the Kallikacks? The people who put a giant inflatable Scooby-Doo on the front lawn? She’s a drinkin’, smokin’, druggin’ welfare Mom; he’s her married jailbird boyfriend, and they both regularly beat the tar out of one another. The landlord (who doesn’t live in the house) is not about to evict them, as he gets his rent check straight from welfare.

Well. This week I spot this while perusing the local paper’s Police Blotter (oh, yeah, like you don’t read those, too!):

" . . . following a dispute at Burger King [!], police arrested Brandine Kallikack, 44, at her home in Evetown, for possession of two glass vials of suspected crack cocaine [!!]. She was released on recognizance." On recognizance of her parolee, abusive boyfriend, I might add.

Now mind you, this is a nice neighborhood! I have long since stopped feeling sorry for anyone in this mess except little Brandi-Sue Condoleezza, their daughter, who bounces in and out of Child Protective Services (which, in NJ, means putting her in front of the Opera House with a basket of violets).

Yikes. I just hope if there’s a murder/suicide, as there’s bound to be sooner or later, they don’t torch the house.

2

Probably due to my increasing lunkheadedness I am very happy with myself when I get obscure references. My eyes lit up when I saw mention of the Kallikacks. Maybe it’s a Jersey thing.

3

Just pretend you’re a spectator in an Emile Zola novel.

4

A few simple decorating flourishes can turn that crack house into a crack home.

5

I half expect this (with so much disfuntionallity) to be made into a sitcom on Fox. :rolleyes:

6

Throw pillows, perhaps?

7

Starring Tom Arnold and Jennifer Coolidge as the Kallikacks. I, I fear, will be played by Dixie Carter.

8

Nah, Fanny Brice (with the help of a time machine set to the New Amsterdam Theatre in 1911 and some chloroform)

Maybe Zasu Pitts.

9

Or in this case, blow pillows.

10

Omigod, I am living in a John Waters movie, c1974. I can easily see the Kallikacks played by David Lochary and Mary Vivian Pearce, and little Brandi-Sue Condoleezza by Mink Stole in a pinafore.

I, of course, am Divine.

11

You realize that if they do the murder/suicide you will end up adopting Brandi-Sue.

12

“Brandi-Sue, dahling, I’m your Auntie Mame!”

13

…will you wear the ultra-high arching eyebrows? I might would pay to see that.

14

Well of course you are. But who do you suppose will play your part? :wink:

15

Holy crap! I’m your biggest fan!

16

:dubious: Now, was that intentional?

So tell me Eve, have you hit the big time as an innocent bystander yet? Has Cops visited your building?

17

Well, the cops have visited. My doorbell rang last week, I leaned out the window and said, “yes?” and a policeman said, “we got a call about a domestic disturbance at this address?” and I automatically said, “oh, that would be around back.”

I was right, of course.

18

ROFLMAO.

Bless The Onion

19

It would be very sweet. From buying her first lorgnette to your matching fainting couches. (Her’s would be smaller) Then you could make a fine match for her and make her marry a rich industrialist against her will.

20

Maybe mirrors on the ceiling to match the ones on the coffee table.