An inquiry for all the ladies...(long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

And maybe the guys have some input for me on this one too, I don’t exactly know.

Here’s the straight dope-

I had a friend, her name was Kim. We had a good relationship, and that progressed into more intimate terms later on. I’ve known her almost 3 years now. One day, she just dropped out of society it seemed. She was running from her feelings, no doubt, but I’ve never gotten a confirmation on that.

The next time I got into contact with her was when my father passed away. I was torn up and I needed a shoulder to cry on. She said, and I quote “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I’d ever do if my dad died”. That was all(I never bought up the fact that I was there for her when her best friend died and her dad attempted suicide).

I spoke to her maybe 3 times after that, about 6-8 months apart. I never saw her, and she dodged the messages I left her.

Fast-forward to 3 weeks ago. She starts IM’ing me on AIM, out of the blue again. I told her I was pissed, she quelled my anger and we move on to other things. It was smooth. She made me laugh, made me feel warm, just like always. She calms my nerves down. It progressed to the “baby” phase(the phase when you call each other the above). THen it was the “I miss you phase”. Just like that.

She’d moved to Texas, and was homesick, understandable. She said she was going to visit home in 2 weeks. Great! I thought. So the day she arrives comes and passes…then a week passes…then it’s almost 2 weeks.

So I compose an E-mail(which had begun in my head the friday she arrived). It spanned the friendship, romance, and absolute rejection I’ve felt over the duration of our relationship, start to finish. It was kinda biting, I’m sure for her to read it.

So, I receive an IM from her and she’s still lovey-dovey, so I know something’s wrong. She hasn’t read the fricking letter!<DoH> So I know what’s coming, and I know it’s coming soon. I left my desk to think about it for a minute, and came back to an angry IM saying how I was a jerk because her grandmother died.

So I’m sad her grandma died, but I’m not sad I sent the letter. In fact, a queer-typa(not sexual orientation) smile came across my face and I felt So totally relieved that I hjad gotten all the crap off of my chest.

Am I wrong to feel this way? She has me trying to believe that I should feel badly and that I was asking for justification in my little rant to her(I never asked anything, I just stated it the way I felt it). I apologized to her for the situation(with gramma dying), but I didn’t apologize for the letter.

So even though I jumped the gun on sending the letter, and I’ve no doubt lost a friend I truly loved at one time, was I wrong? And am I correct in feeling that a firend should have contacted another to let them know what was going on? I didn’t even know if she made it allright or not. And this is what led me to believe that I was, once again, being rejected by her.

THank you for your patience, sorry about the length of the post.

-Sam

2

Sam,

No way should you EVER compromise your feelings. As soon as you start, you also start to become someone else.

3

Sam,
EVERYBODY is entitled to their own feelings about things. Weird or misguided as they may be sometimes (not to intimate that yours are at this time). You feel good because you’re not swallowing your justifiable pain at how you’re being treated. If she’s your friend, she’s gotta be willing to hear you out. You went off on her because this seemed like the SECOND time she’d pulled this. Nothing out of the blue. Just your take on a second trip on the reject-go-round.
Hell, I’d be a little put out that she didn’t feel close enough to you to fill you in on her gramma. A good friend is one of the first places I’d turn in that situation. I have a great friend who got the same treatment from this chick that makes me disgusted to share the same gender with her. She totally used him when she felt the need. He put an end to it when he asked her a simple question that she couldn’t answer, “Is anything EVER not about you?”
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Nobody deserves to be played like that. You’ve got my shoulder.
struuter

4

Mr.C, Struuter, I really appreciate that.

Here’s what I finally said of her:

That’s the gist of it, Basically, this is another one of those women Struuter. She’s used and abused me for the last time no doubt. And I truly feel empowered, I don’t understand it really.

Of course, reading the above, I now see why I feel ok a bout her reading it. I’m cleansed of the crap she put me through I think.

-Sam

5

I’m definitely guilty of writing “the letter” to someone. Your feelings are your feelings, you were tired of being this woman’s support system/punching bag, you wanted everything out in the open so that you could see where you both stand. Maybe you have what you need so you can move on?

You didn’t do a bad thing. It’s not you, it’s definitely her. Good luck.

6

Sam,
You’re empowered because you showed yourself something. That the person she treated you as is not the person you are. You’re past worrying about how she takes it because it’s all true and now that you’ve written it you can’t really go back–and don’t want to. (Whew! How’s that for confusing?)
I’m proud of you. You’ve got my respect for taking care of an important person.
struuter.

7

GaWd,

I don’t think you were wrong to tell her how you felt. I’m sorry hon, but this woman is not a good friend to have. A friend is there for you when you need them. It sounds like the friendship has been onesided.

Sadly there are people who use others as a back up, someone they can turn to if what they are doing at the time isn’t working out. That is what it sounds like she was doing with you. Keeping you on a string, just in case she decided she wanted you one day. Or maybe to stroke her ego, Well GaWd will always love me type thing. Sick isn’t it.

Not all women are like that .

8

I’ll second what Ayesha and struuter have already said.
This gal sounds like a user and I’m glad you got free from her before you had more invested in the relationship.
Nobody deserves to be strung along like that.You seem like a nice guy and you deserve better.
You absolutely did the right thing.

9

GaWd, honey, don’t beat yourself up over expressing your feelings. And most importantly, don’t second guess yourself for having had them in the first place.

I won’t say anything bad about her as a person because I don’t know her. But since you asked, I will comment on the relationship and how you described it playing itself out.

This girl may have been a friend at some point, and she may very well care for you a great deal. However, what you shared with her was not healthy - for either of you. She didn’t know how to express her fears and let you help dissuade them. You didn’t know how to love her without letting her abuse you emotionally. And whenever you love someone in a way that makes you roll over and be a lap dog to them, you are dooming yourself to never be respected or treated with dignity by that person.

True friendships and love involve more than just warm, gushy feelings when someone says “I love you.” They’re more than empty words and broken promises. Sure, we all let down people we love at one time or another, but it’s generally unintentional and quickly apologized for. When a loved one shows no remorse for actions that hurt you, after you’ve opened yourself up and let them know how you feel, that’s a sure sign that that relationship is doomed - and really, not worth pursuing further.

If a relationship doesn’t make you feel safe then run - run as fast and as far as you can. I’m proud that you stood up for yourself and can finally go through the process of learning to respect yourself enough to demand being treated right. I wish you the best of luck in healing your heart. Just make sure to leave it open for the next woman, for she will truly be blessed to have such a loving and giving man in her life if you do.

Take care,
Shayna

10

My God, GaWd, you’re talking about my ex! Get out NOW. RUN, while you still have a chance!

11

I’m not really qualified to say anything…

While I can understand your trepiditions about your timing (she was home for a funeral), I think everything you said from what WE’VE seen is dead on. It sounds as though she deliberately built up your feelings, and then pussied out when it came down to actually seeing you. No one should have to put up with that. I find it especially tacky on HER part that she strung you along WHILE getting ready to come home for a funeral. If you want an ear to hear you and a shoulder to cry on, you’d just best be sure that you’re willing to physically TOUCH that shoulder, ya dig?

I hate emotional vampires.

12

I kinda dug that one Divemaster :smiley: And I’m not in any relationship with her, not for the last 2 years or so.

All the ladies that responded, thank you. It means a gret deal to me that you’ve all affirmed my position in this life as a good guy who got a bum deal with this chick :slight_smile: Not the other way around like she’d have me believe.

I said in a follow-up Email to her that there was no way I could take the things I said back, and I meant it. There is no reason for me to have to do it, and I won’t–especially since I’m definitely right in this case.

Magdalene- I moved on most of the way a long, LONG time ago. This has simply given me closure.

Struuter- YOu definitely rock girl :slight_smile: And, no it wasn’t confusing.

Ayesha- My dear, you’re correct. I played doorstop for her when she needed me to. It was a one-sided relationship, I supported her, she ground her boots in my face.

3Bunny- User girl she was. I hope she can make something good come of this. If not, Feh. I tried, and I hope my being honest to her was a good thing.

Shayna- My love, will you marry me? :slight_smile: Ther was definitely a lot of love at one time. I helped her freaky co-dependence along by making her feel secure. THat’s my thing. I’m a big guy with a huge Leo personality, and it makes most girls melt, especially if they’re totally insecure about themselves.

THere’ve been no serious relationships since this one, maybe that was the problem. Maybe I can now find me a woman GaWddammit! :slight_smile: My heart is open, and had healed(or rather, calloused), but like I said I feel total closure in this case.

Yer too sweet Shayna.

Oh, and Mr.C, I shoulda known you’d be reading all of the threads that were addressed to the ladies!

Thank you for your note of support though, buddy, I dp appreciate it.

-Sam

13

She wasn’t home for a funeral, her gandma died after she came here. Semantics, really.

I dig ya brotha. I also find it funny that you call them Emotional Vampires. When I was younger, and much less callous, I was very sensitive. I could tell in a heartbeat that a person fit the bill of “Emotional Vampire”, and I used to call them as such.

THanks for the comments.

-Sam

14

The concept of emotional vampires is interesting. I’ve never heard the term before.

Does an EV give or take? Are they self-absorbed, or do they reciprocate?

See? I don’t even know what questions to ask.

Would anyone care to start a thread on it? Could we discuss it here? Am I the only one who’s interested?

15

GaWd describes:

I’m serious, GaWd, we share a kinship of experience.

For AuntiPam:

Clues that should have told me she was an emotional vampire:

A person can depend on you (which makes you feel useful) and end up taking and taking and taking without giving in return, and feel like that is her right until she has used you up and spit you out without a single ounce of regret. Then blames you.

A person can be smart (an attractive quality) and still be evil.

A person can share many interests with you (which makes them interesting) and still relish taking advantage of you.

A person can say many sweet words (especially those you want to hear) and have poison in her veins.

A person can be a living Penthouse Forum experience in bed (wonderful at first) until you realize her bedroom desires are driven by anger and bitterness, and an attempt to escape internal problems.

Yes, it happened to me…my first ‘real’ experience, my first sexual partner, my first love. She had been married three times previously (you would have thought that would have clued me in!). I blame my own naivete and my basic nature which says you stick to your word and keep the promises you make, as much as I blame her.

Despite the tone of this post, I’m no longer bitter emotionally. I’m a happy guy with a very positive outlook on life. It’s just that I can remember how it was. That makes how it is now oh so much better!

16

I’d be interested. I had one in my life. Still do, in fact.

And GaWd, I’d affirm what everyone else has said. It was bad timing to finally call her bluff right when she had a death in the family, but it was completely inadvertent on your part. For her to use that to turn you into some kind of coldhearted jerk is manipulative. Of course, someone who is grieving needs to be cut some slack, but it seems like a regular modus operandi for her.

Although it’s a bummer to feel used, take heart in the fact that it is a compliment, on some level, to be the person someone wants to use as their backup. Of course, I’m glad you’re taking steps to make sure she can’t use you anymore.

17

**

I’m sure we do, Divemaster. Actually, any person who’s aware of what the other is doing, and can see through the veiled BS, has probably had a chance encounter with an EV.

Divemaster, she was a very beautiful person, inside(with the exception of this crap), and out. So, yes, Auntiepam, EV’s can be beautiful, smart, stupid, cunning, sexy, ugly, Etc.

Cranky, It’s a bummer I hit her with this at a most inopportune time. However, by the same token, she brought this upon herself by not contacting me to give the straight dope up. I wouldn’t have sent this if she had, and we coulda kept going on like a dog chasing his tail.

So, I’m glad it’s over. I’m pretty sure I won’t hear from her in the very near future.

-Sam

18

GaWd:
Sounds like you survived an ugly experience and came out wiser. The bad timing was not your fault. Too bad for her. If she’d been straight up with you, it would never have happened that way. She sounds a lot like my ex!

Shayna:
Wow! I’m taking notes. I’d ask you to marry me, but I’m deeply suspicious of anyone without a Y chromosome (mom and sisters excepted). Don’t worry. I’m getting over it.

~~Baloo

19

Dude, I’ve done the same thing, all you can do is apologise about the timing.

20

I’m not sure you have to apologize for the timing. Yeah, it’s unfortunate, but it’s not your fault, either. Had she been honest with you…well, that doesn’t really make any sense, now, does it? She hasn’t been honest with you, ever.

I think you should be glad you’re able to look at it as objectively as you obviously can, and also glad that she didn’t break your heart into a million tiny shards and grind them into dust with her heel.

I think everybody has “friends of convenience”, who really only pop into your life when they need something, or when it’s good for them. If you’re lucky, you ID an FoC pretty quickly, so you don’t invest a lot of emotional stock in them. If you’re really unlucky, you end up feeling like a wadded-up Kleenex at the bottom of the trash can - used, and dirty.

Move on, and be grateful that there is one fewer person who can take advantage of you.