When I lived in NJ, my least favorite tree was the tree-of-heaven (more like tree-of-hell), otherwise known as ailanthus altissima. Why don’t I like the tree? ‘Cuz it’s ooogly. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s the “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” tree, the only one that grows in the ghetto, but that don’t mean it can’t be ugly and ridiculous! Those orangish-brown flowers. Those crazy alternate leaves. The fact that it freakin’ grows all over the place. Sometimes just thinking about them makes me get a sick headache.
Now that I live in south Florida, I’ve got another arborescent enemy. Her name is Schefflera actinophylla. She’s not as bad as that ailanthus, but she’s still quite stank-a-dank dank. Big ole whorled droopy leaves, arranged so they look like a monster’s hand. I have a giant one right next my balconey, soaking up all the light so my beautiful plants don’t get any light. She’s staring at me right now through the sliding door, daring me to hack at her with an axe. Argh!
I’m well aware that I’m a tree bigot. I discriminate against trees with lots of big close-together leaves. They simply aren’t trustworthy.
But I do like sea grapes.
I am not prejudiced against any particular class of trees. I suppose class isn’t the right word; the science folk will say it’s phyllum or hedgehog or something.
But there is a tree that I loathe: it is a eucalyptus tree that borders my property. It has grown to such dimensions that it has buckled the pavement and the fence. It drops its detritus in the rain gutters. But the tree is on the property line, and the neighbor who owns it loves, loves, loves it. And since the city I live in prohibits people from cutting down trees unless said tree is about to murder someone, I must learn to live with it. But I do not like that tree. No, I do not.
We are renting our house. In the front yard, there is a massive sweet-gum tree. Every spring, it grows new, green, spiky seed pods. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Over the summer, they fall out of the tree, all over my lawn. And they keep dying and falling off, right up through the next spring. I hate that stupid tree. If it were not the only big tree in the front, it’d be going away. Oh well. Just don’t walk barefoot in our yard!
There is a black walnut tree in our (very small) backyard that I loathe with a loathing of legendary proportions. It shades the entire yard. We can’t grow anything but weeds because of a combination of deep shade and the black walnut propensity to exude a chemical that kills other plants. And I can’t afford to have it removed just yet.
I tried to kill it by girdling the trunks (it’s got a split trunk) last summer. Never slowed it down. It’s the tree of the undead!
Poplars. The ones that make the fluff that everyone’s allergic to, and the ones that drop the sticky leaf covers every spring - I’m not sure if they’re the same tree, but I hate both of them. They run suckers throughout your yard, they go through your foundation to get at water, they block up your pipes - what’s not to hate? We bought our house with a big ol’ volunteer poplar in the back that was allowed to grow in the wrong place, and now we’re in the process of getting rid of it. Buh-bye sticky tree.
monstro, the minute I saw the thread title I clicked on it intending to rail about ailanthus. They’re dismal, brittle weeds that mature quickly and then drop branches every time there’s a high breeze. And that damned sickly-sweet smell. Ugh. It overpowers every other scent for two or three weeks.
In my neighborhood, they’re called “ghetto palms” for the frond-like leaf configuration. You can tell which houses are owned by “investors” from the ailanthus growing through the front porch.
Paulownia - I have a huge one right outside my kitchen window, and several other small ones throughout the yard. The seed pods are sticky. Lots of the branches seem to die over the winter, but new ones are put out to replace them.
We’re going to cut town the big one, and any of the smaller ones near the house. The ones in the far back part of the yard can grow or die as they wish. I’ve got one in a pot - not sure if I should plant it or yank it out and let it die. Apparently the previous owner of this house really really loved them.
jayjay, won’t hostas grow in the shade under that tree? They’re incredibly hardy and thrive in the dark conditions under the vast old maple in my backyard, and the variegated ones really look good with their white rims, 'n’all. Another plant that might be able to withstand the walnut’s chemicals is sweet woodruff, which looks great with hosta, spreads rapidly, and has the side-benefit of smelling wonderful when dried.
I’ve been told by sailor friends that there’s an old superstition that black walnut must never be used in building a wooden boat; in fact it shouldn’t be aboard at all, in any form. Apparently no good can come of it.
Mulberry. The berries, oh god, the berries. Too tart and seedy to eat, but the birds love them and then poop purple all spring everywhere. And they stain the sidewalks and your feet, if you walk on them barefoot. We had a big one in our backyard, but all its branches broke off in an ice storm a few years ago.
We don’t like our black walnuts either - we have 5 of them. They drop twigs and nuts all over the place. We probably fill 6 wheelbarrows with the nuts each fall. I’m told that you can get some sawmills to pay you to take it down because the wood can be quite valuable. But I have yet to test that theory.
And the stupid little berries get lodged in the treads of your shoes, so when you walk inside your nice beige carpet is quickly covered in purple splotches.
Some birds react poorly with mulberries; they’ll gorge themselves, and instead of producing little purple pats of poop, they produce huge amounts of purple liquid nastiness that’s almost impossible to clean off of glass once it’s had a chance to dry.
Magnolias. The brief season of beautiful flowers and heavenly scent does not make up for the fact that the darn things shed leaves all year long - and it’s hard to get anything to grow under them. The roots grow so close to the surface there’s no soil for other plants.
Sorry to plump for the obvious, but I think it would have to be the Leyland Cypress (Cupressocyparis leylandii) - as a specimen tree in a large arboretum, I’ve got nothing against it; as a forest confier, it’s magnificent. As a ‘fast-growing’ hedge in a small English suburban garden, it’s the most obnoxious and stupid choice possible.
There’s a reason why it will quickly become a full-sized hedge - and that reason is that it intends to go right on growing, upwards and outwards at a phenomenal rate, until - in a few short years - both you and the unfortunate neighbour on whose boundary you planted them have neither light nor space in what used to be your small English suburban gardens.
I hate how people screw up their magnolias! They trim their lower branches and then bitch about how they can’t grow anything under them - you’re not supposed to! The magnolia’s supposed to go all the way down and then you’d never see the leaves, duh.
The bane of my existence is the Punk Tree. It’s name says volumes about it. Sure it looks pretty but it smells like rotten boiled potatoes and it is extremely allergenic (I am very allergic to it). It’s also one of those invader plants that has taken over and has become almost impossible to get rid of.
I loathe Siberian Elm trees. Unfortunately they’re about the most popular tree out here as they could probably grow on Mars unassisted, but I hate them. Damn roots screw up the plumbing, and in the early spring they drop thousands and thousands of their damn pods.
Then I spend all spring and summer digging up their filthy, hardy progeny. That and they’re ugly and the people out here don’t know how to prune for shit. Usually people just cut them right off at the top and let the buggers poof out, turning the ugly into the truly horrific. Did I mention they are resistant to Dutch Elm disease? Unfortunately though they’re all I have as far as shade goes.
