A letter to my step-mom, leaving me feeling like crap

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I can’t believe I had to write this and my heart is ripped out…some parts are edited for obvious reasons, but why the fuck does she have to be such a snot to me. She’s not my mother, and the comment is pretty harsh. I can’t believe I am sharing this with all of you but I need to get this out of my system.

I am confused by her words and I realize she’s doing it out of “love.” But she rarely has shown me more love than a moderate friend but gets on my case like a best friend or a mother. Plain and simple, I am miffed and pissed. She is my father’s wife and not my mother. She has made it very difficult over the years to be friends because she never has complimented me on a thing I have ever done, she only points out my downfalls. Yet her beloved son can do no wrong. Hell the cops never came to their house about something I did like they did him.

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Quoting her at the beginning of my letter:

I do think it is a bit harsh. I had a great time on Fourth of July, usually my birthday involves just you and Dad, which is just fine with me, I don’t like a lot of attention. I enjoy the time spent with you and Dad. I am sorry I didn’t make a phone call, that I apologize for, that was bad manners on my part. talking about a family event I didn’t attend.

I am not the social butterfly with the rest of the family. I never have been. It hurts me more that my family can’t accept that fact over all these years. I thoroughly enjoy the time I spend with my family, I do. I don’t dislike or hate anyone in our family, not one bit. In fact I love and care for everyone. keep in mind, the majority of the family that is living here now is step-family that I really have never known all that well.

I know you have gone through a lot of crap in your life. But when is the time that you realize I deal with things very differently than you do? You say those things and all I want to do is stay in my shell. It’s not worth it to me to make the effort if I screw up in anyone’s eyes, only to hear those types of words.

I know you get offended when I don’t do things with “the girls”. I don’t like those “girly” things. I would prefer to hang out with the men, watch a game or a race and have a beer. I don’t enjoy hanging out in the kitchen talking about clothes, religion, or other sorts of gossip I hear occasionally.

The moment you said “you may find yourself pretty lonely after your dad dies.” That one really was hurtful. I expect a lot of Dad, he is my daddy. I will be extremely pained when he is no longer in my life – probably the hardest pain I will ever feel in my life. In fact as I type that I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. But I find it very unfair that anyone should feel it’s appropriate to point that out. I know that and I think about that more than anyone can fathom. It has crossed my mind every day since my mom died. No she wasn’t great but I know the loss all too well.

I am sorry I continue to disappoint you. I am different and work in a different way than most I know which is why I have spent most of my life feeling like a freak. Again, I apologize to everyone for not making the phone call, but if I am shut out because I don’t do every family function then we all are on a different plain.

I hate making excuses. I hate feeling as though I am constantly doing wrong. I am defiant in the fact you called me on it in the manner you did. But know that I didn’t do this for any other reason than I had other plans, and failed to make a phone call.

Do know I love you, but I feel like you continually say things to me that make me feel like a horrible person. I do my best with the skills I have and I can’t help but let that comment make me feel worse than I already do about our family situation.

Love,

xxxxxx

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That said, I am saddened by this because it seems as though she “attacks” me in this manner at least four times a year. Last time we had a serious discussion about religion, politics and life in general and she came right out and literally called me a “looney.”

This isn’t a Pit rant, it’s more a pointless thing I probably shouldn’t be sharing with you all, but I had to get it out of my system some how.

2

{{{{{techchick}}}}}

TC, a lot of times in instances like these, the person starting this crap (your stepmom) is transferring something on to you. It’s not really about you, it’s about some shit of her own that she won’t or can’t deal with. So, she pastes it on to you and takes pot shots at you for it.

Whom have you hurt? Did you let your Dad down? It doesn’t sound like it. Did you make a promise you didn’t keep? I’m not seeing that in what you’re writing.

You’re different. You don’t fit your stepmom’s expectations of what a “good” daughter is. That’s not your fault; it’s your stepmom’s fault for having such rigid, impractical expectations. She sounds like a toxic person, Tech, and you’re best off minimizing your contact with her as best you can. If you can’t minimize contact, I’d recommend you do your best to develop a teflon skin around her. It’s not easy, I know. The few relatives I have like that are much further away than a stepmother would be, and even then, I have trouble maintaining my cool around them.

Take care, hon.

3

Hello techchick68,
I am a newbie to this board, but not to life.

I was raised with a stepmom that hated me. I won’t go into detail beyond that, because this is about you, not me…but I did want you to know we share some common ground on this issue of stepmoms.
Do you love this stepmom?

Is she someone you want to spend time with after your father has moved on?

Are you worried about her personal attacks on you because her opinions matter to you?

I don’t mean for you to post your answers publicly, but those are questions I would ask myself…
Stranger OUT

4

Thanks phouka, I appreciate that.

The funny thing is, my mother hated her. Not disliked her, my mother hated her to the bone. I like my step-mom, I stuck up for her in front of my bitchy, abusive mother. My mother said some awful things to me growing up, my step-mom (in my eyes) only masks the same sentiments with less harsh words.

My step-mom came back to me with the comment (after I asked her if my father and her had had an affair – there were rumors.) “Well, I don’t deny it, but it was rumored your mother did…I shouldn’t be saying that, it’s not fair to you or your mom because she’s not here to dispute that.” Not verbatim but you get the idea.

The thing is, she’s always been obsessive with things. Her religion means more to her than her own life. She can’t understand why I refuse to exercise in a gym. She sits there and looks down her damn nose at me.

But the thing is, she’s my father’s wife. I love my dad dearly and I am happy he is happy, but why did he pick her to be his wife?

Granted I wouldn’t have my step-bro, who I love dearly, but she’s always on my case over things.

I am almost thinking that any mother figure in my life is a bitch. What I mean by that is, I have a birth mother who refuses to see me, my adoptive mother died and was abusive and my step-mother is just a bitch with words and actions.

It’s really hard when you have someone in your life that is there, she gives you crap and you can’t give her her own taste of medicine because she’s your father’s wife.

5

Techchick- I have the same problem with my grandfather, who’s actually my dad’s step-dad; and my grandmother, who’s biologically related to me, though you wouldn’t be able to tell from the way she acts. I mean, they’re about to evict me from the house they’re renting to me. On top of that, I’ve been a model tenant. I’m not even late on the rent. But they want me to quit my temp work in favor of a permanent job that requires twice as much work for half the pay (don’t ask me why they want this, I have no idea and they’ve never given me a good answer). There’s really no reasoning with them.

Just remember that if she has a problem with you, it’s her problem, not yours, or anyone else’s for that matter. I doubt any of your other family members resent you for being less than perfect.

It’s not your fault for failing to live up to her expectations. It’s her fault for failing to see how wonderful you already are. It’s her fault for failing to see how blessed she is to have you for a step-daughter. And it’s her fault that you’re hurt. And it’s too bad she’ll probably never realize any of this.

Be strong techchick. And if all else fails, just remember this little bit of advice a wise man once imparted upon me “If life gives you lemons, smack your bitch-ass step-mother across the face.”

6

Oh yeah, {{{{techchick}}}}

7

As phouka says, {{{{techchick}}}}.

Yes, families can be hard to deal with, especially if someone is putting their own expectations onto you.

Your letter sounds like you’re trying to handle the situation as gracefully as anybody could. Hold your head up and be proud of that, and remember you can post or mail anytime you need to.

8

It’s been said that we can’t choose our family. I think that’s only half true.

We can’t choose the family we start off with, but we can go out and make new family. There are friends of mine who have gone out and found replacements for the parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, or uncle they never had. I have three sisters that aren’t related by blood at all.

Is there any older woman in your life, Tech, that could give you some of the love and support that you deserve to have from a Mom? You got a bad hand on the first deal, but maybe you can pick up a couple of new cards.

9

Our stepmothers must be clones, Techchick. Mine doesn’t want me to visit because the damned dog gets too upset. I haven’t seen my half brothers in over a year.
She really looks down her nose at me too. She seems to think that I’m still that immature 16 year old, even though I’m 26, married & have 2 kids. My dad just has bad taste in women I guess.
I just wanted to tell you I understand, and not to let the bi…, I mean, woman get to you.

10

I don’t understand where she gets off saying that though:

Damnit, that hurts me. How would you take that remark?

To me it sounds spiteful, it’s bitchy, it’s everything a high schooler would say. But this woman is 50 years old this year.

God, why the hell do all these motherly people in my continually be bitches?

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phouka,

No, I used to have an older woman in my life, my best friend’s mom, who is also friend’s with my parents. Well, my dad is friends with them, my step-mom prefers not to hang out with them very much – figures.

Anyhow, Mrs. XXXXXX I now know her as Pat since I am in my 30s, lives out of town and I spent about 80% of my childhood there. Things have changed though, they live out of town and it’s just different now. Basically, I don’t have that “motherly” figure in my life, which might explain a lot for my world.

Anyhow, I really appreciate you all responding to this. I don’t want sympathy in any manner but I am feeling particularly alone at the moment. I tried to call my older brother, but the kids are sick and I know they had a hard day. He can usually help me through situations like this as he deals with it on his own as well.

Having someone to talk to about this, even via a thread, is helpful.

11

Techchick,

This is the hardest kind of thing to deal with. You love your Dad, and so can’t simply put his wife out of your life. I feel for you.

Some people are simply this way, and you can’t let it run your life. For some reason, they don’t feel right unless they rag on someone else. It hurts, and it will never be easy. However, it sounds like you’re doing what you can to cope, and to ease the situation, so hang on.

Most importantly, cherish the times and people who are there for you. They, more than anything else, can help.

Take care.

Ugly

12

I’d take that with some candy, some liquor, or something else to at least let my tongue feel happy while the rest of me sulks.
Hope it works out for the best.

13

Techchick, my dad pisses me off, and I love my mom a whole lot. I never understood how they stayed together until I asked my mom why he and I are incompatible but he and she are. She said, “It’s because I’m not his son.”

Good answer.

14

I have to add, she had responded to an email that I included that “God Is Like” link from someone in here. (Can’t find the thread.)

I was genuinely thinking of my family and a few friends when I saw that link in here.

That just kills me, specially being a poor theist and not a Christian, in many of their eyes.

It was kind of like “Oh BTW, I appreciate you thought of me but you really fucked up and God wont forgive you because I don’t.”

That’s what I feel like…

My eyes are swollen and I wish I could tell her off. Tell her all the things she has done to make me feel as though I am no more worthy than ant shit. Hell, she’s already told me I am going to hell – in her nice Christian way.

15

techchick-

sounds to me like you’re the one that has her head on straight in this situation.

You’re trying to deal with it in a civilized fashion and she’s telling you your going to go to hell?

Sounds to me like she’s living in the proverbial glass house…

16

Stranger,

The funny thing, I don’t feel like I have my head on straight. Not that that is funny, but I just want to rip my hair out.

I would not have brought this up if I wasn’t so upset. I keep wishing to myself I could confront her and tell her all the things I feel.

Yet I puss out. Not once have I been able to confront her and tell her “when you say this…, it hurts me” etc. I feel like a puss for not being able to do that.

I feel like, because she’s my elder/father’s wife, I should just shut up.

I hold back in my words to her when all I want to do is go back to her and make her feel like I do…which is wrong but I want to do it. Eh, like I said I am confused, upset and pissed.

I have a feeling this this going to be along night.

17

I figured you felt that way, (confused that is), and wanted you to have an outsiders opinion.
You have legitmate right to be hurt by her words…it looks to me like she’s trying to hurt you on purpose.

Can you speak to your dad about this, and the way you feel?

18

Nope, he’s pretty “deaf” when it comes to these matters really.

He’s a business man, never been good at personal matters. When it comes to his wife, he’s even more less than understanding. But he’s still my daddy.

Well, I popped in “I Wouldn’t Wanna Be Like You” by Alan Parson’s Project…my step-mother anthem. Really.

19

LOL

good choice of tunes.

Well if it makes you feel any better…I will try to always listen to my daughters as they grow up. And I am doing my best to never have to put them through the “stepmother” thing…

20

Tech -
I relate to your letter in two ways - I’m a stepmom; and I’m different. I know what its like to be misunderstood because my approach to life doesn’t match the expectations of others. I’ve also had a lot of years as the not-mom wife of dad.

FWIW, your letter seems both honest and compassionate. It is clear and as unemotional as is probably possible under the circumstances. These can be difficult relationships - it sounds as though you truly value your relationship with her. As a stepmom, I’d be grateful for such a straightforward reply (I hope).

I hope your stepmom will read it with the same honesty and compassion. Good luck.