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  #1  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:38 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Ruin a joke

Tell a well-known joke in such a way that it's totally unfunny and misses the point. I'll start you off:

The other day I shot an elephant while I was wearing my pajamas. I don't know why I was wearing my pajamas.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because there was something on the other side of the road that it needed to do. It was probably pretty important.
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  #2  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:41 PM
Trunk Trunk is offline
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a baseball.
  #3  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:42 PM
Genghis Bob Genghis Bob is offline
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"Knock Knock"

"Who's there"

"It's me"
  #4  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:44 PM
Hung Mung Hung Mung is offline
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Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?
A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group.
  #5  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:48 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Have you heard about the bald man and his comb? He was unwilling to throw it in the trash.
  #6  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:50 PM
UrbanChic UrbanChic is offline
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q: What do you call a black guy wearing a suit in court?
a: Counselor.
  #7  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:51 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanChic
q: What do you call a black guy wearing a suit in court?
a: Counselor.
I would have said "Robert."
  #8  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:52 PM
UrbanChic UrbanChic is offline
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Equally not as funny!
  #9  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:53 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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"Doctor, doctor, will I ever play the violin again?"

"That depends. Did you play it before?"

"Well, no, not really."
  #10  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:54 PM
MEBuckner MEBuckner is offline
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A duck buys a tube of chapstick at the drug store.

The clerk asks "Will that be cash or charge?"

The duck replies "Just bill me later".
  #11  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:54 PM
Zeldar Zeldar is offline
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This traveling salesman had a blowout late at night and found he had no spare. Spotting a farmhouse in the darkness he went to the door and knocked. An old farmer came to the door and heard the salesman's story and when the salesman asked if he could stay the night, the farmer said, "Yes, but you'll have to sleep with my son."
  #12  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:54 PM
Genghis Bob Genghis Bob is offline
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A guy walks into a bar carrying a pig. Te bartender says "hey! You can't bring that animal in here!" The guys says "okay", and leaves.
  #13  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:56 PM
Hey, It's That Guy! Hey, It's That Guy! is offline
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A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. They had a few drinks, played a game of pool, shook hands, and each went home.
  #14  
Old 06-22-2005, 01:57 PM
Hey, It's That Guy! Hey, It's That Guy! is offline
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Why did the blonde stare at the container of orange juice?

She was considering whether it was still good to drink past its posted expiration date.
  #15  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:00 PM
Hey, It's That Guy! Hey, It's That Guy! is offline
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A bartender regularly entertained his patrons by bringing out a little man about one foot tall, who played a tiny piano on top of the bar. He took requests, sang, and played beautifully, much to the patrons' delight. When asked, the bartender would tell the story of how a genie came to him and told him he would grant any one wish. The bartender asked the genie for a twelve-inch piano player.
  #16  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:01 PM
Hey, It's That Guy! Hey, It's That Guy! is offline
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A little dog limped into a saloon. He announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot me in the paw!"
  #17  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:01 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?

The backspace key is showing signs of wear, because blondes are dumb and make typing mistakes.
  #18  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:01 PM
Trunk Trunk is offline
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Guy walks into a bar, he sees a sign that says,

"Ham Sandwich $2
Hand Jobs $5"

He sees the cute little bartender behind the bar and asks her, "are you the one who makes the ham sandwiches?"

"Yes I am"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am."

"Oh, well then, I'd like a handjob."
  #19  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:02 PM
Chance the Gardener Chance the Gardener is offline
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Q: What's the difference between an elephant and your mother?
A: They're of entirely different species.

(Man, I love this joke. The correct answer is "About three pounds," in case you don't know.)


Q: What do you call a person who looks through your windows when you're in the capital of China?
A: A Beijing Tom.
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  #20  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:03 PM
Trunk Trunk is offline
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The bartender says, "that must be bothering you."

The pirate says, "yarrrr, it's driving me crazy."
  #21  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:04 PM
Zeldar Zeldar is offline
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Guy goes to his doctor to get the results of his tests. The doctor tells him he has some good news and some bad news. The guy asks what the bad news is and the doctor says, "You're going to die within a few weeks."

The guy asks, "What's the good news?" The doctor says, "What?"
  #22  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:07 PM
Max Carnage Max Carnage is offline
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

1:30-ish
  #23  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:08 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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A girl walks into a doctor's office with an apple in her ear and a banana up her nose. The doctor says "That's not the way you're supposed to eat those things."
  #24  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:11 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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A guy walks into a restaurant and says "I'm feeling really grouchy. Will you serve me?"

The hostess says "Sure, we don't care if you're grouchy."
  #25  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:11 PM
Max Carnage Max Carnage is offline
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A snail went to an auto dealer and asked for the fastest car on the lot. The dealer pointed him to a brand new Dodge Viper, cherry red.

"This car tops out at 200 mph. 0-60 in 3.2 seconds" said the dealer.

"I'll take it," said the snail. "And I want you to paint a great big letter S on both doors."

"Why would you want that?" inquired the salesman.

"Because," explained the snail, "When I'm zooming down the street, I want everyone to say 'Wow! Look at speed of that car with the S on it!"
  #26  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:11 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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George Bush, Dick Cheney and Condoleeze Rice are flying on Air Force One. It doesn't develop any mechanical problems and lands safely at Andrews Air Force Base.
  #27  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:14 PM
Hey, It's That Guy! Hey, It's That Guy! is offline
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Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?

Because he got solidly-manufactured goods at a premium price.
  #28  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:14 PM
Max Carnage Max Carnage is offline
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Two men walking down the road spotted a dog licking himself.
"I wish I could do that," said the first guy.
"Do what?" asked the second.
"Lick my own balls," said the first.
"Yeah," replied the second. "That would really rock."
  #29  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:16 PM
LeeshaJoy LeeshaJoy is offline
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Two guys walked face-first into an iron bar suspended at about eye level. Fortunately, another guy who was with them managed to duck.
  #30  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:17 PM
Max Carnage Max Carnage is offline
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If you are American when you wake up in the morning and African when you are taking a shower, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

African-American
  #31  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:22 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Quasi Modo died, so they had to get someone else to ring the bell. A guy with no arms applied for the job. "How can you ring the bell with no arms?", asked the hiring guy. "I hit it with my face", said the applicant. So they went up to the tower and the guy with no arms smashed his face into the bell. The bell rang. He then fell out of the tower.

On the ground, someone asked if anyone knew him. Another guy answered "No, but his face looks familiar. I've seen him before."
  #32  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:25 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Carnage
Two men walking down the road spotted a dog licking himself.
"I wish I could do that," said the first guy.
"Do what?" asked the second.
"Lick my own balls," said the first.
"Yeah," replied the second. "That would really rock."
"Maybe we should just get girlfriends."
  #33  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:26 PM
Zeldar Zeldar is offline
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were completely surrounded by thousands of Indians wearing war paint and shouting. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and asks, "Tonto, how are we going to get out of this fix?" Tonto replies, "I have no idea."
  #34  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:34 PM
Typically Sunday Typically Sunday is offline
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A panda goes into a restuarant and orders a salad. When he is done eating, he shoots his waiter. When the waiter asks the panda why he shot him, the panda tells him to look it up the dictionary. The waiter finds the entry for "panda".

Pandas: A mammal native to southeast asia. Eats the roots of the bamboo plant.
  #35  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:34 PM
Bippy the Beardless Bippy the Beardless is offline
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Knock Knock
Whose there?
Interupting Cow
Interupting Cow who?
Moo !

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?
A multiple amputee.
  #36  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:41 PM
LeeshaJoy LeeshaJoy is offline
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Old lady Wilson answers the door to find a very sad looking man. "I'm sorry," the man says, "I just ran over your cat. I'd like to make it up to you by replacing it."
Old lady Wilson replies, "What makes you think you can just 'replace' my only companion for the last ten years, you insensitive prick?! Go to hell!"
  #37  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:44 PM
gaucho gaucho is offline
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Your Mama's so fat, I'm worried she may have a thyroid problem.
  #38  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:47 PM
FisherQueen FisherQueen is offline
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Descartes went into a bar and ordered a drink.

The bartender asked, "Would you like another?"

"No, thank you," said Descartes.

Then he left.
  #39  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:51 PM
pinkfreud pinkfreud is offline
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Q: What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a Chia Pet?

A: I dunno, what's a gnu with you?
  #40  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:51 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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What has four wheels, and there are a lot of flies buzzing around it?

A garbage truck! Because flies like garbage.
  #41  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:52 PM
Hey, It's That Guy! Hey, It's That Guy! is offline
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A monk said to a hot dog vendor, "Make me a hot dog with every topping on it."

***

A woman with no arms and no legs was on the beach, crying. A man walked up to her and asked what was wrong. "I've never been with a man," she cried. "I've never had anyone make love to me, never been intimate, never had sex."

The man picked her up and threw her into the ocean. He yelled out after her, "Now you're in trouble!"
  #42  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:53 PM
RealityChuck RealityChuck is online now
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Why did the moron throw the clock out the window?
He was tossing it to a friend.

My sister is so fat that when she sits around the house, she takes up a lot of space.

What's big and red and eats rocks?
A large, red steamshovel.

What's the difference between a bunch of smart pygmies and a woman's track team? One's a group of short people . . . .
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  #43  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:55 PM
FairyChatMom FairyChatMom is offline
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What's black and white and red all over?

Yemen's flag.
  #44  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:58 PM
Zeldar Zeldar is offline
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Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And went to sleep
  #45  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:58 PM
Superdude Superdude is online now
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Somethingawful.com did an entire series of these.

Here's one I saw in Maxim:

Q: What do you call a black man who flies a plane for a living?
A: A pilot, you f*cking racist.
  #46  
Old 06-22-2005, 02:59 PM
Lobsang Lobsang is offline
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Why?
  #47  
Old 06-22-2005, 03:01 PM
Morbo Morbo is offline
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A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office completely naked, wrapped in saran wrap.

The psychiatrist looks up and says, "Due to the transparent nature of that cellophane, your testicles are plainly visible."

--------------------

What's the first thing a woman says after reaching orgasm?

"Mmm, that was terrific!"
  #48  
Old 06-22-2005, 03:01 PM
Superdude Superdude is online now
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Because, otherwise, you could hurt yourself.
  #49  
Old 06-22-2005, 03:02 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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A frayed knot walks into a bar...
  #50  
Old 06-22-2005, 03:03 PM
Beadalin Beadalin is offline
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There once was a man from Nantucket.
Later, he moved to Norfolk.
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