Mystery For The Day: A Certified Letter

[auntie em]

There's one waiting for me at the post office. Which means I have, lessee . . . about four and a half hours to contemplate what it could be.

My guess? I'm goin' to court. The infamous Missing Coworker has filed a federal suit against my former employer for discrimination, and has (acccording to my former boss) listed me as a witness.*

But for the next four hours or so, I'm just going to sit here and pretend there's some possibility that I have been named the sole heir of some wildly rich relative I heretofore knew nothing about.

A girl can dream, can't she?





*She filed a claim with the state last year, and also listed me as a witness, but that time some investigator just called me at work and asked me questions . . . and then the claim was dropped. I was hoping the same would happen this time . . .

[SkipMagic]

Can I vote for the wildly rich relative fantasy? 'Cause that'd be cool.

[Kythereia]

So let us know how much money you inherit...

[Hal Briston]

Originally Posted by auntie em

But for the next four hours or so, I'm just going to sit here and pretend there's some possibility that I have been named the sole heir of some wildly rich relative I heretofore knew nothing about.

Just in case that does turn out to be what this letter is about, can I just interject in here that you've always been my favorite person in the entire world?

[swampbear]

FairyChatMom has been trying to unload a chandelier for quite some time. It could be a registered letter from her letting you know a chandelier is on the way and to look out for it.

Maybe it's a stalker's way of letting you know officially he knows where you are.

Maybe the dog knocked up a neighbor's prize purebred cockapoo and it's a registered letter naming him in a paternity suit.

Maybe it's Tom Cruise sending you a registered letter telling you to knock off the fantasizing about Skip and him.

Oh, the possibilities are endless!

[auntie em]

Originally Posted by Hal Briston

Just in case that does turn out to be what this letter is about, can I just interject in here that you've always been my favorite person in the entire world?

Really . . . ? So if the letter turns out to be Theory #1, you'll hide me away from the Feds? Or better yet, go to court for me?

[Campion]

Originally Posted by auntie em

My guess? I'm goin' to court. The infamous Missing Coworker has filed a federal suit against my former employer for discrimination, and has (acccording to my former boss) listed me as a witness.

IAAL (not yours), but I'm not admitted in the Land of Oz, so YMMV. Generally, a subpoena to a witness requires personal service. In other words, they show up at your door and hand you the subpoena. So your certified letter is unlikely to be an order to appear in court.

Which means, of course, that you have inherited crazy uncle Henry's loot. Just remember your friends when you're rich.

[auntie em]

Originally Posted by swampbear

FairyChatMom has been trying to unload a chandelier for quite some time. It could be a registered letter from her letting you know a chandelier is on the way and to look out for it.

Maybe it's a stalker's way of letting you know officially he knows where you are.

Maybe the dog knocked up a neighbor's prize purebred cockapoo and it's a registered letter naming him in a paternity suit.

Maybe it's Tom Cruise sending you a registered letter telling you to knock off the fantasizing about Skip and him.

Oh, the possibilities are endless!

Oooh! With dangly sparkly things? Yes! That would be lovely.

Call me old fashioned, but I'm still a fan of the Stalker Phone Call.

If that's the case, I'll have more than enough $$$ to pay doggie child support, once I've alerted the media that one of our three female (and spayed to boot) dogs got another dog pregnant . . .

And finally, Tom should know that he is nowhere in my fantasies. (Katie Holmes, on the other hand . . . )

Yes. Yes, they are. More, please! I like this game!

[auntie em]

Originally Posted by Campion

IAAL (not yours), but I'm not admitted in the Land of Oz, so YMMV. Generally, a subpoena to a witness requires personal service. In other words, they show up at your door and hand you the subpoena. So your certified letter is unlikely to be an order to appear in court.

Actually, I figured as much. I guess what I should have said was that I think the letter has something to do with this whole Ex-Coworker mess, but it was so much more dramatic and entertaining to say, "I'm goin' to court!"

So in what kind of instances would a situation like this involve a certified letter? Would it ever, like maybe just to inform me that my services may be needed or something?

[Zsofia]

One bad thing they send a certified letter for is to inform you of very bad medical test results if they don't make you come in and see somebody directly; I know somebody who got a cancer notice that way.

[auntie em]

Originally Posted by Zsofia

One bad thing they send a certified letter for is to inform you of very bad medical test results if they don't make you come in and see somebody directly; I know somebody who got a cancer notice that way.

Yikes. Luckily (I suppose), I haven't had any medical tests recently . . .

Hope your friend is OK . . .

[harmless]

Originally Posted by auntie em

There's one waiting for me at the post office. Which means I have, lessee . . . about four and a half hours to contemplate what it could be.

It's from me.
Dear auntie em;
Please return your rental equipment within the next 14 days or criminal charges could be filed against you.
Thank you.

Originally Posted by auntie em

But for the next four hours or so, I'm just going to sit here and pretend there's some possibility that I have been named the sole heir of some wildly rich relative I heretofore knew nothing about.

Don't you know?
Those come by fax.

[VunderBob]

Well, the diploma for my shiny new BS degree (2nd in a series) came via certified mail just yesterday. You haven't been taking classes on us. have you?

[auntie em]

Originally Posted by harmless

It's from me.
Dear auntie em;
Please return your rental equipment within the next 14 days or criminal charges could be filed against you.

Um, OK, but . . . I'm not sure you want it back now . . .

Oh, no, wait, I bought that equipment . . . I rented the chain saw. Oooh, come to think of it, you don't want that back, either . . .

[auntie em]

Originally Posted by VunderBob

Well, the diploma for my shiny new BS degree (2nd in a series) came via certified mail just yesterday. You haven't been taking classes on us. have you?

No kidding--I get a diploma for Pilates? Oh, I guess the other night with Skip must have been my Flexibility Final . . .

[harmless]

Originally Posted by auntie em

Oh, no, wait, I bought that equipment . . . I rented the chain saw. Oooh, come to think of it, you don't want that back, either . . .

Yeah, yeah, lady. I've heard that tired old story before.
Read your contract: R-E-N-T-A-L

Seriously though, that's what pops into mind any time I hear 'certified letter' because we only have to send out about 20 a day demanding our rental stuff be brought back.
This message has been brought to you by Florida Statute 182.155

[SkipMagic]

Dear auntie em,

Your husband rocks.

Please sign here:

_____________

[auntie em]

Originally Posted by SkipMagic

Dear auntie em,

Your husband rocks.

Please sign here:

_____________

Am I allowed to edit first?

[Ponder Stibbons]

I think SkipMagic should be required to recuse himself from this thread.

[Campion]

Originally Posted by auntie em

So in what kind of instances would a situation like this involve a certified letter? Would it ever, like maybe just to inform me that my services may be needed or something?

It could be an anti-spoliation letter -- it could say, you're a witness in the case of the Infamous Missing Coworker, so if you have any documents related to your employment with Former Employer (including but not limited to letters, memos, diaries, etc.), don't destroy them because they could be evidence.

If it's anything else related to the case, I would expect a phone call first to make nice with you so you'll be a friendly witness.

Maybe it's the tax man. You invest in one of those totally legal, guaranteed to succeed, offshore pyramid schemes?

[Trunk]

I seem to recall a "scam". Basically, it's some junk mail solicitor that sends the scam mail as a Certified Letter to make it seem more important to the "mark".

If it's someone asking you for money, don't assume that it's legit.

[auntie em]

Originally Posted by Trunk

I seem to recall a "scam". Basically, it's some junk mail solicitor that sends the scam mail as a Certified Letter to make it seem more important to the "mark".

If it's someone asking you for money, don't assume that it's legit.

If someone is silly enough to ask me for money, I pretty much assume they don't know what they're doing.

[auntie em]

Originally Posted by Campion

Maybe it's the tax man. You invest in one of those totally legal, guaranteed to succeed, offshore pyramid schemes?

No. Just a bridge over the Bermuda Triangle.

[B. Serum]

I think you can only get a certified letter if you're certifiable.

[FatBaldGuy]

Originally Posted by Hey you!

I think you can only get a certified letter if you're certifiable.

No, only the letter has to be certifiable.

[fluiddruid]

I've only gotten one notice for a certified letter. I was kind of excited, until I saw that it came from the IRS! Gasp! Then, I checked the name -- not remotely mine and I didn't recognize it. They kept trying and trying, even though I kept refusing it. Eventually I called the post office and told them that the IRS was mistaken and I didn't know anything about this. They agreeably said they would let the IRS know, and I didn't hear about it again.

[FairyChatMom]

We just got 2 certified letters from the IRS - they send a copy to each spouse on a joint return. They want money. I knew they wanted money. They'll get their money. They coulda saved money by sending me a regular letter - or even an email. But whatever...

[swampbear]

Hmmm... since she hasn't been back to tell us what the letter was about, shall we assume that Auntie Em did indeed get a whole ton o' money from a deceased rich relative and has been shopping nonstop since?

[scout1222]

A little bird tells me that it's auntie em and SkipMagic's anniversary.

So:

A) The certified letter is something that Skip concocted
ii) It's their anniversary, and they are too busy celebrating to post
c) Both

[Mama Tiger]

Maybe I'm weird, but my immediate vote is for it to be something involving our old friend, Missing Coworker, just because that was one of the most exciting sagas I have ever had the pleasure to waste my time constantly hitting "refresh" for online, and so to have the whole thing crop up again, with the next chapter? Fan-frickin'-tastic!

[Celyn]

I second that vote. It would be tiresome for Auntie Em, I suppose, but what's that compared to the joy that a whole new chapter could bring to the rest of us?

Sorry, Auntie Em Happy Anniversary!

[ouryL]

Originally Posted by auntie em

There's one waiting for me at the post office. Which means I have, lessee . . . about four and a half hours to contemplate what it could be.

My guess? I'm goin' to court. The infamous Missing Coworker has filed a federal suit against my former employer for discrimination, and has (acccording to my former boss) listed me as a witness.*

But for the next four hours or so, I'm just going to sit here and pretend there's some possibility that I have been named the sole heir of some wildly rich relative I heretofore knew nothing about.

A girl can dream, can't she?





*She filed a claim with the state last year, and also listed me as a witness, but that time some investigator just called me at work and asked me questions . . . and then the claim was dropped. I was hoping the same would happen this time . . .

But until you get a subpoena, you AIN'T!!

[ltfire]

It’s that wild bunch of people with the balloons and a giant check from Publishers Clearing House. They pounded on your door for ten minutes, to no avail. If you see a group sitting on the bench at the PO..that’s them. Act surprised.

[picunurse]

Originally Posted by Mama Tiger

Maybe I'm weird, but my immediate vote is for it to be something involving our old friend, Missing Coworker, just because that was one of the most exciting sagas I have ever had the pleasure to waste my time constantly hitting "refresh" for online, and so to have the whole thing crop up again, with the next chapter? Fan-frickin'-tastic!

Me too!
That was the first thread I ever read all the way through, and kept coming back to check.
But now its been 6 days... Do you think... oh no.... They went some where for the holiday weekend?!?
I may not sleep tonight....

[Black Train Song]

I seem to recall a "scam". Basically, it's some junk mail solicitor that sends the scam mail as a Certified Letter to make it seem more important to the "mark".

Last time I got a certified letter it turned out to be junk mail. I was so pissed that I had to drive to the post office to get it. But after that I was like, well I went this far, might as well buy some of that vynl siding. ya right!

[SkipMagic]

Sorry, Mystery Minions, it was nothing more exciting than old tax stuff dating back to when we combined two households from two separate states. We'll have to wait to see if the Missing Co-Worker brings any more excitement into our lives.

[Mama Tiger]

Well, gosh, that was mundane. And pointless.

So much for a big mystery.