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  #1  
Old 07-09-2005, 08:42 PM
Amazon Floozy Goddess Amazon Floozy Goddess is offline
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I don't know how much longer I can hang on...

This is long, but I really need to get it out - please bear with me.

About a month ago I started this thread about a couple who are friends of mine and my husband's who are getting divorced (please read to help to understand the situation...it's not long, but explains it better). Well, the girl (We'll call her H, and her husband T) parents were in Europe when this happened, and she was stuck alone in her house, with no family to turn to. She has a history of depression and self-harm, so I insisted that she stay with us as long as she needed, so she came over.

Well, that was over 3 weeks ago, and she's been here the entire time. She's a great friend and I feel it helped her a lot to be here, but or place is very small and the lack of privacy began to strain me & Mr. AFG's relationship. I found I never had the time for private talks with him or just plain alone time. We didn't want to discuss our problems around her for fear of making her feel worse than she already did. She helped us out tremendously with money and food while here, but I was still stressed out due to the lack of privacy and from trying to keep her happy constantly. Mr. AFG started a new job recently that's pretty stressful, so he's already been on edge lately, and he's been feeling torn between H and T because they are really good friends to us both, and he wants to keep contact with both of them without causing upset.

Last night everything blew up. I had a rough day at work and really just wanted to take a nap, but H had been alone all day and I could tell she was feeling lonely, so I felt obligated to stay up and keep her company. This kind of frustrated me. When Mr. AFG came home and H had gone to pick up coffee, I told him that I had been frustrated lately and I was wondering if he had an idea of how much longer she would be staying with us. He completely exploded, telling me I didn't care about her and that I was a "selfish bitch". This of course upset me terribly and I started crying, and when that happened he yelled, "This is it! I want a divorce! If H can get rid of T, then I can get rid of you!!" And he shoved past me and left. A while later H came back and saw I was upset and I told her what happened. She said she had overstayed her welcome and she wanted us to be alone so we can work it out, so she arranged to stay with her brother in Toronto.

I thought Mr. AFG was just overly upset and waited for him to cool off and come back. Well, he didn't come back last night. When I woke up this morning and saw that he still wasn't there, I got worried and called all of his friends and family, but none of them had seen him. Then I remembered that he had to work today, so I called them, but they said he hadn't shown up. By then I was really afraid that he had killed himself, so I ran out to the forest and searched for over an hour to see if he was there somewhere. I came back and was hysterical so I called my mom and she came over to help me. Then. Mr. AFG's mom called, saying he had just called her somewhere from a payphone, saying he was ok and he wanted to come stay with her. So she came over here and picked up some clothes for him. She said he just needs time to "cool off".

This is horrible - I just don't understand why he did this. My mom stayed with me most of the day and it helped a bit, but she has bad back problems and had to go back home.

I'm completely alone right now and terrified. I have no friends I can call for comfort. I'm afraid to do that anyway, because I realize it would be selfish of me. My husband just abandoned me and I'm so scared he will never come back. I can't handle the emotional overload and the loneliness right now...I just want him back. I couldn't take the shame of a divorce. I was always the ugly fat girl that guys never liked, and the thought of being alone for the rest of my life is too much - I'd rather be dead.

I don't expect responses, I just really need to get this out. The typing is keeping me from remembering how easy it would be to down a bottle of pills, or step out onto the busy street. I've got no dependents. It would be very very easy. But I don't want to hurt my parents. I just don't know what to do right now...I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up for a long long time. Waking up and seeing his space in the bed empty just wrenches my heart all over again. I just wish I had someone who would hold me and let me cry.
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  #2  
Old 07-09-2005, 08:49 PM
Marley23 Marley23 is offline
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I'm so sorry.
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  #3  
Old 07-09-2005, 08:50 PM
gardentraveler gardentraveler is offline
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AFG, I don't even know what to say. Just know that we're all out here and care about you. Please keep us updated and share more if you need to.

GT
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  #4  
Old 07-09-2005, 08:52 PM
Pythian Habenero Pythian Habenero is offline
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...There is no good response to this except hugs. So {{{AFG}}} there you go.
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  #5  
Old 07-09-2005, 08:59 PM
Sunspace Sunspace is offline
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I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope things work out for the best. {{{AFG}}}
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  #6  
Old 07-09-2005, 09:13 PM
picunurse picunurse is offline
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Amazon Floozy Goddess, before you consider doing anything foolish, please read posts # 41 & 42.
Give yourself a break. You're going to be ok.
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  #7  
Old 07-09-2005, 09:29 PM
WhyNot WhyNot is offline
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Amazon Floozy Goddess, you have no email address posted in your profile, but if you'd like to email privately or talk on the phone, please email me at flaminghippie@gmail.com

In your other thread, you wrote: "She tends to internalize her problems b/c she's afraid of "inconveniencing" people by telling them - to which I've told her many times to not be silly, friends are there to listen -" You are just as worthy of my time as she was of yours. I've never seen your face, but I consider you a friend nonetheless, and I'd be awfully, awfully upset if you hurt yourself.
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  #8  
Old 07-09-2005, 09:30 PM
jsgoddess jsgoddess is offline
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AFG, how hard for you.

First of all, you're not completely alone. You have a whole lotta Dopers who admire and respect you and long for more silly toons. Yes, we're greedy.

Both you and your husband have obviously been under a lot of stress. He said some things that he might have meant, or he might not have meant. He might not even know if he meant them or not.

I wish you well.
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  #9  
Old 07-09-2005, 09:36 PM
Liz Liz is offline
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The ground is shifting under you, but put on your heavy shoes and hang on tight. You can do this.

I'm not very good at hugs or saying the right thing, but I've been known to have a logical and rational ear and a pretty absorbant shoulder. E-mail is in the profile and I'm a perpetual insomniac.
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  #10  
Old 07-09-2005, 09:40 PM
C3 C3 is offline
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Is there any way you could go stay with your mom? Or she with you?
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  #11  
Old 07-09-2005, 09:45 PM
ioioio ioioio is offline
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I'm not psychic, but I'm absolutely certain that hubby will come back and all will be well. It sounds like you have a good marriage, and good marriages don't break up over small stuff like this. Everyone was under a LOT of stress, and hubby exploded. He probably really needed to. Right now he's probably starting to feel pretty foolish and trying to figure out how to come back home without feeling like a total fool.
Do something to take your mind off your hyped-up emotions: read a book, watch a movie, make a dream catcher -- and be ready to welcome hubby home with wide open forgiving arms when he comes back.
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  #12  
Old 07-09-2005, 09:47 PM
Campion Campion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amazon Floozy Goddess
I have no friends I can call for comfort. I'm afraid to do that anyway, because I realize it would be selfish of me.
Bullshit. It's selfish if you don't reach out. There are tons of people here who think the world of you. It may not mean anything to you right now, but you're an incredible person. I'm quite smart, so you must take my word for that.

Email me if you'd like, or any of the other people who've posted here. I mean that, sincerely. It isn't an empty offer, and I want you to take me up on it. All of us want you to get through this. Hopefully, you'll be able to look back at this hiccup with Mr. AFG and laugh.

I don't know if this helps, but my parents have been married nearly forty years. Some good, some bad. My mom told me that, about a year ago, she and dad got in the worst fight of their marriage and, for the first time ever, he walked out on her. Just took his car keys and left. She went on with her life: finished her homework, made dinner, read a book, went to bed.1 When she came home from work the following day, he was there. He made dinner2, brought her flowers, and he apologized for running out. He'd just gotten in the car and driven until he was tired, then found a motel. The next day, he came back -- after all, he said, where else would he go, after thirty-something years with her?

This is more than likely just a hiccup. Don't do anything foolish; email one of us, send us your phone number. I'm a million miles away from you, or I'd go get you right now. Just hang in there. This will get better. Do you have any therapeutic chocolate?

1 I guess it's a hallmark of a long-term marriage like that; she said she knew he'd come back eventually -- where else would he go?
2 Steak. No sides, no salad, no bread. Just steak. But he did set the table.
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  #13  
Old 07-09-2005, 09:49 PM
Amazon Floozy Goddess Amazon Floozy Goddess is offline
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Oh picunurse, I'm so sorry...what an awful thing.

I think I'd be too chicken to do myself in...also I really don't want to hurt my parents.
But it's the loneliness, the threat of losing the person I want to grow old with, that terrifies me. If I was alone I think I'd totally and completely lose my mind.
I just want him back...that's all I want. I want to make everything better, I want him to hug me. ...am I selfish like he said? My mom said wanting some privacy is not selfish, especially since H was with us every day for a month. But Mr. AFG said I should be thinking only of H, not myself, because she's having a really hard time.
I do feel like a bad person for that.
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  #14  
Old 07-09-2005, 09:53 PM
Snowboarder Bo Snowboarder Bo is online now
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I'm a little too choked up right now to type much, but I echo the sentiments expressed by so many others.

{{{AFG}}}

Bo
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  #15  
Old 07-09-2005, 09:58 PM
DeVena DeVena is offline
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There, there, AFG. Stress tends to make people explode and do stupid things. Let him stay with his mom for a while, if he needs to. Please don't do anything rash. Just stay calm and take care of yourself. And know that there's a fat chick in Alabama who wishes she were closer so you'd have someone to talk to. Be strong.
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  #16  
Old 07-09-2005, 10:00 PM
Pythian Habenero Pythian Habenero is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amazon Floozy Goddess
...am I selfish like he said? My mom said wanting some privacy is not selfish, especially since H was with us every day for a month. But Mr. AFG said I should be thinking only of H, not myself, because she's having a really hard time.
I do feel like a bad person for that.
You weren't being selfish, at least not in any morally deficit fashion. You can't change your own need for privacy, and not recognising it would just lead to more problems in the end. The thing some people need to realise about altruism is that even if you hold that everyone else's needs are more important than your own, you need to tend you yours first in order to be able to tend to theirs effectively. Sure, it's good to be able to give support to your friends, but I've been there and I know I certainly can't be of any help to anyone else if I'm not feeling right myself.

That said - more hugs. {{{AFG}}} We can always do with more hugs. I hope everything works out okay.
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  #17  
Old 07-09-2005, 10:10 PM
Sternvogel Sternvogel is offline
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Originally Posted by WhyNot
I've never seen your face, but I consider you a friend nonetheless, and I'd be awfully, awfully upset if you hurt yourself.
Well, I have seen Amazon Floozy Goddess's face -- granted, only in a photo -- but the rest of what WhyNot said in this sentence is true for me as well. And, as jsgoddess so aptly mentioned, AFG's creativity and sense of humor have made this thread one of the all-time highlights of the SDMB.

I've been involved with my sweetie for about four and a half years now, and there've been a couple of times when I became frustrated and wondered if the relationship was worth continuing. However, I came to my senses on both occasions, and realized that I'm more "complete" and happy now than I could ever be if Long Time First Time and I were to go our separate ways. I hope you get your husband back, AFG, and I hope he realizes that he wants to hug you just as much as you long to hug him again.
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  #18  
Old 07-09-2005, 10:17 PM
twickster twickster is offline
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Hang in there, AFG. It really does sound like a stress blow-up. He's probably just as afraid of losing you as you are of losing him.

Add me to the list of "email if you want to talk."
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  #19  
Old 07-09-2005, 10:21 PM
elfbabe elfbabe is offline
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AFG, does asking a friend to stay with you for as long as she needs to in your small apartment and only bringing up the idea of when she might leave after a month sound like something a selfish person would do? Nooooo no no.


If it were a month and a bit from now and I were in Ontario, I would totally drive over and bring hugs and ice cream.

... if I had a car, which I won't. And if you didn't live in some ridiculously remote location in Ontario, which you might.




I am worriedly peering at your name on my ICQ list right now - I went and found the password to that account just for you. So you know I MUST be willing to talk.
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  #20  
Old 07-10-2005, 12:09 AM
Amazon Floozy Goddess Amazon Floozy Goddess is offline
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Thanks so much all, for the kind words. It's helping me to read them.

Cuddle-time with my rats is at an all time high right now. They are perpetually happy creatures and they always manage to do something to make me laugh...I'm glad I have them around.
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  #21  
Old 07-10-2005, 12:16 AM
picunurse picunurse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amazon Floozy Goddess
Oh picunurse, I'm so sorry...what an awful thing.

I think I'd be too chicken to do myself in...also I really don't want to hurt my parents.
But it's the loneliness, the threat of losing the person I want to grow old with, that terrifies me. If I was alone I think I'd totally and completely lose my mind.
I just want him back...that's all I want. I want to make everything better, I want him to hug me. ...am I selfish like he said? My mom said wanting some privacy is not selfish, especially since H was with us every day for a month. But Mr. AFG said I should be thinking only of H, not myself, because she's having a really hard time.
I do feel like a bad person for that.
{{{Amazon Floozy Goddess}}} I'm sure now, you're going to be ok.

Here's some food for thought. Could it be he got so upset, because he was having the same feelings, and felt guilty about having them?

Give him the space he's asking for. He'll come back when he's ready.

I know this sounds corny, but when my husband and I were first dating, he was still looking around.
One night he told me that was all done, and I need never be suspiscious or jealous.
I told him not to worry, because, to me, love is a butterfly.
Open your hand. If it lands, it will stay as long as it wants to. Close your hand around it, no matter how gently, it will be damaged beyond repair. You have to trust love to stay.
Here's hoping your butterfly returns tomorrow.
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  #22  
Old 07-10-2005, 03:24 AM
Penchan Penchan is offline
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I hope this is quickly resolved and everything gets better. Good luck with everything and know you have friends here! *HUG!*
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  #23  
Old 07-10-2005, 05:37 AM
irishgirl irishgirl is offline
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AFG- you are one of the sweetest Dopers here.
I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough patch, you hold on and let your husband calm down.

It's going to be OK, and everyone here will do whatever they can to MAKE it OK.

{{{Amazon Floozy Goddess}}}
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  #24  
Old 07-10-2005, 10:31 AM
conurepete conurepete is offline
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So he says you are selfish because she is going through a really hard time and you are supposed to think only of her needs? Well now you are going through a really hard time, who is thinking of only YOUR needs ?
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  #25  
Old 07-10-2005, 11:12 AM
Lissla Lissar Lissla Lissar is offline
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My mom said wanting some privacy is not selfish, especially since H was with us every day for a month
Heavens, woman, I toss friends out if they stay more than a week! Private time with your husband, and private time alone, are just as important as your friend's needs. Remember that. It does not make everything better if you overstress yourself heavily for someone else.

Hugs from the Lissar household. Hang in there.
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  #26  
Old 07-10-2005, 11:50 AM
Larry Borgia Larry Borgia is offline
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Sending you my best wishes thoughts and prayers, Amazon Floozy Goddess.

I'm sorry things are rough for you right now, I hope they get better and you find out what was up with your husband.

My email is in my profile, should you need it.
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  #27  
Old 07-10-2005, 02:18 PM
FinnAgain FinnAgain is offline
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Hang in there. I'm at a loss for words, but I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. Drop me an email if you need another Doper to talk to. We're pulling for you. I know it's hard, but try not to let someone else's actions determine your self worth.
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  #28  
Old 07-10-2005, 03:01 PM
eleanorigby eleanorigby is offline
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AFG --kind of hard find out that you think you're on a merry go round, only to realize that it's a tilt-a-whirl......

I hope tempers have cooled off. I think that there is something else going on and that H's situation just acted as a catalyst.

You and your husband need to talk (look who's giving advice! sorry, tangent).

I hope he comes home and you have the privacy you need to hash this out.

As to the needing of privacy--I would stick to my guns. Yes, H's situation is bad--but that doesn't negate YOUR needs......
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  #29  
Old 07-10-2005, 03:11 PM
Sage Rat Sage Rat is online now
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Nothing specific to add except presence.

*makes goofy rat face*
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  #30  
Old 07-10-2005, 06:26 PM
Amazon Floozy Goddess Amazon Floozy Goddess is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eleanorigby
AFG

I hope tempers have cooled off. I think that there is something else going on and that H's situation just acted as a catalyst.

You and your husband need to talk (look who's giving advice! sorry, tangent).

I hope he comes home and you have the privacy you need to hash this out.
Yes, his new job has been pretty stressful for him...he's the shipper/receiver for a Michaels store. The only one. I've been by the store several times in the past to drop him off a lunch, and he'd have 3 huge skids waiting for him to receive. The one time he pointed out a skid to me that must have been piled 6 feet high with boxes, and said, "that's all little packages of beads." He has been more snappy since he's started the job, so I think coming home and feeling he had to entertain H just put more stress on him.

I really really want to talk to him, but his mom told me he will give me a call "when he's ready". I really think it's unfair for me to be kept in the dark about this. She said that we are "both adults and you need to work it out like adults"...so why is she sheltering him and not letting his own wife talk to him?? I still haven't heard boo from him and it's driving me crazy.

H is now staying with her brother, so at least I have some privacy back...too bad it couldn't have been sooner.
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  #31  
Old 07-10-2005, 08:29 PM
TVeblen TVeblen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amazon Floozy Goddess
I really really want to talk to him, but his mom told me he will give me a call "when he's ready". I really think it's unfair for me to be kept in the dark about this. She said that we are "both adults and you need to work it out like adults"....
Adults don't storm off and hide with Mommy.

Let's get some reality here. Someone's acting like a spoiled brat, and it ain't you, AFG.

He was stressed. Things were rough. Big whoop. You were too, and all you did was say so. You know, sumpin' really radical like just talking? You didn't drop a guilt nuke then run away.

What you do with mess is up to you. But nobody's a victim without their consent.
My opinion? Your tempermental, wimpy husband is squarely in the wrong. And this conflict ain't a matter of hollow pride. If he can't or won't weather problems at your side, you're better off without him. Hit-and-run blaming you for life's problems is wimpy. And self-indulgent and childlike. Tough but true.

You aren't his mommy. Your his wife and life partner. If he can't handle problems without attacking you with hit-and-run tactics, then good riddance to a loser. Better now than later, after years of slow, agonizing erosion.

Don't you worry for one second about calling him. Maintain absolute silence and change the locks--now. If he wants to camp out in his mother's or brother's basement during his tantrum, that's his choice. You do not need this garbage. You may be willing to settle for it, for whatever reasons. They're not the same.

But either way, you're making a choice, AFG. Make no mistake about it. It sucks, but important choices often do. You have to decide whether you really want to be a convenient emotional punching bag. Stress--and shit--happen. Adults deal with it. Willing victims carry the full load for those who won't.

I'd change the locks, pack up his crap, dump it off on his Mommy's porch and let him contemplate that stress.

This is emotional blackmail. It's ugly--and undeserved--as hell, especially from a trusted partner in life. But if you don't expect and demand better, nobody else will do it for you.
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  #32  
Old 07-10-2005, 10:42 PM
Rilchiam Rilchiam is offline
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AFG, I hate to even think this, but...Do you think your husband might have something going on with H, or even just a fixation on her, even if he hasn't acted on it?

I know that sounds awful, but it just seemed odd to me that he was the one who blew up when you suggested that H had overstayed her welcome; usually it's the other way around.

At any rate, it does sound like you guys have something you really need to work out.

Thinking good thoughts...
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  #33  
Old 07-10-2005, 10:53 PM
Amazon Floozy Goddess Amazon Floozy Goddess is offline
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Originally Posted by Rilchiam
AFG, I hate to even think this, but...Do you think your husband might have something going on with H, or even just a fixation on her, even if he hasn't acted on it?

I know that sounds awful, but it just seemed odd to me that he was the one who blew up when you suggested that H had overstayed her welcome; usually it's the other way around.

At any rate, it does sound like you guys have something you really need to work out.

Thinking good thoughts...
I don't think so. I'm pretty sure about that. I've never seen any flirting or anything; they don't sit close together, etc. They've been friends for nearly 10 years. If something was going to happen, I think it would have by now. He's assured me he'd never cheat on me and I've never had any suspicions or seen anything. She's also a pretty trustworthy person.
I think he blew up because H and her husband T are very good friends to both of us, and Mr. AFG wants to maintain a friendship with both. That's been pretty hard. I also think he's afraid that if she left she would be alone again and might hurt herself. Also, she's helped us out with things in the past and I think he feels he owes her.

On the chance that he was cheating...well. I'd dump him like a bag of rocks. No question.

Everyone I've talked to about it thinks he's just overloaded by this whole thing and doesn't know how to express his feelings properly. If that is the case (and I hope it is), I'll do whatever it takes to work it out.

His mom called tonight to say that he wants to have a "meeting" on Tuesday night with me, himself, his mom and my mom. Why he wants us all there, I don't know. But I really, really hope it's not to dump me.
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  #34  
Old 07-10-2005, 11:00 PM
Amazon Floozy Goddess Amazon Floozy Goddess is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TVeblen
Adults don't storm off and hide with Mommy.

Let's get some reality here. Someone's acting like a spoiled brat, and it ain't you, AFG.

He was stressed. Things were rough. Big whoop. You were too, and all you did was say so. You know, sumpin' really radical like just talking? You didn't drop a guilt nuke then run away.

What you do with mess is up to you. But nobody's a victim without their consent.
My opinion? Your tempermental, wimpy husband is squarely in the wrong. And this conflict ain't a matter of hollow pride. If he can't or won't weather problems at your side, you're better off without him. Hit-and-run blaming you for life's problems is wimpy. And self-indulgent and childlike. Tough but true.

You aren't his mommy. Your his wife and life partner. If he can't handle problems without attacking you with hit-and-run tactics, then good riddance to a loser. Better now than later, after years of slow, agonizing erosion.

Don't you worry for one second about calling him. Maintain absolute silence and change the locks--now. If he wants to camp out in his mother's or brother's basement during his tantrum, that's his choice. You do not need this garbage. You may be willing to settle for it, for whatever reasons. They're not the same.

But either way, you're making a choice, AFG. Make no mistake about it. It sucks, but important choices often do. You have to decide whether you really want to be a convenient emotional punching bag. Stress--and shit--happen. Adults deal with it. Willing victims carry the full load for those who won't.

I'd change the locks, pack up his crap, dump it off on his Mommy's porch and let him contemplate that stress.

This is emotional blackmail. It's ugly--and undeserved--as hell, especially from a trusted partner in life. But if you don't expect and demand better, nobody else will do it for you.
This is the worst he's ever been. Nothing like this happened before or since we've been married, and we've been together for 5 years. Normally, he always is happy to see me, gives me hugs and kisses and cuddles, and tells me he loves me. Hell, on Thursday evening I met him at work and he gave me an affectionate kiss, and it was Friday night that he blew up. Sure, we've had fights before, and sure, he's stormed off, but he always came back within a couple of hours and hugged me and we each said we were sorry. He's never been like this before...that's what worries me the most.
I just want him to be ok and want to be back together again.
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  #35  
Old 07-10-2005, 11:00 PM
Marley23 Marley23 is offline
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Why the hell does his mom need to be there? What can he say with her there that he can't tell you himself?
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  #36  
Old 07-10-2005, 11:06 PM
Savannah Savannah is online now
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Hang in there. Lord, life is tough sometimes. Marriages have their storms and turmoils, but it's scary as hell when they happen. I hope you talk to him before Tuesday.

Hang in there. Sending you very good vibes.
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  #37  
Old 07-11-2005, 12:09 AM
Napier Napier is offline
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Amazon Floozy Goddess, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you have been treated badly and did not deserve it.

I'd noticed you before, from your posts - I like you. You are a pleasure to listen to, and you write well (so rare)!

Please, please don't do anything to hurt yourself. That would be a profoundly sad outcome. I would be hurt, too, and no doubt a hundred others just here at SD.

I don't know if your husband just blew up because of stress etc, or if he's not good enough for you. Certainly what he did isn't good enough. But there are many paths to a pleasant outcome, with him or without him. You are likeable enough when you're only a stranger on the Internet - I think to myself that you'd be all the more so in person.

I hope you might write to me at napier@direcway.com. There are a zillion things you can do that are better than hurting or killing yourself, and writing to me is certainly one of them. Plus, it's a much easier bell to unring.
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  #38  
Old 07-11-2005, 02:13 AM
Antonius Block Antonius Block is offline
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AFG, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Count me as one of the many members of your fan club! I always look forward to reading your posts.

Although (without knowing him better) I wouldn't quite be as harsh in denouncing him as TVeblen is in post #31, your husband has definitely got some 'splaining to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amazon Floozy Goddess
I also think he's afraid that if she left she would be alone again and might hurt herself. Also, she's helped us out with things in the past and I think he feels he owes her.
Yes, but he's now left you alone and in danger of hurting yourself, and he owes you a heck of a lot more than he owes her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amazon Floozy Goddess
His mom called tonight to say that he wants to have a "meeting" on Tuesday night with me, himself, his mom and my mom. Why he wants us all there, I don't know. But I really, really hope it's not to dump me.
He also owes you the simple courtesy of talking to you himself, not through his mother. Mediation should only take place if it has been shown that the two principals are unable to talk it through on their own, and he clearly hasn't made any effort here.

[my 2 cents]
Call him back and tell him (or, presumably, his mother if he won't come to the phone) that you'll meet him Tuesday for a one-on-one. If he insists that the Moms should be present (i.e. if he is going to drop a bomb and fears for what you might do), agree that they can sit in their cars while you talk inside as a couple. Alternatively, meet at a casual restaurant with separate tables, but start out with just you and him. That way, if what you perceive to be the worst-case scenario happens, your Mom will be there if you need her.
[/my 2 cents]

I'd like to think that he has many admirable qualities (or he wouldn't have won the heart of our dear AFG), but he needs to start showing them to his wife, now! This is between you and him.

Best of luck, {{{{{AFG}}}}}, from the Doper that you know better as Bacon Slut. Oink!

[P.S. I'm a hetero male who has seen your SDMB photo, and you're definitely cute so there!]
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  #39  
Old 07-11-2005, 02:42 AM
David Simmons David Simmons is offline
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Sorry about your difficulties. I didn't see in your post anywhere that before you told your friend to come over and stay as long as she needed that you and your husband talked it over and both agreed that was the thing to do.
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  #40  
Old 07-11-2005, 08:44 AM
Shirley Ujest Shirley Ujest is offline
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Armchair Quarterback Diagnosis Courtesy of Shirley By UtterBullshit Productions.

I am assuming that you and your husband agreed to allow your friend to come over for this extended time. If so, he needed to suck it all up and take one for the team. Yeah, there is a lack of privacy, but I'm pretty sure both of you knew that going into this game. Also, just a thought, couldn't you two have private time at bedtime. Pillow Talk? Or in the bathroom or something?

Also, you say your friend has a history of depression and hurting herself. Is she getting any help or taking any meds? Yes, she is going through a difficult time, but no one, and I mean no one needs to be entertained all the time. If they cannot handle a few hours of alone time and instantly find themselves depressive or brooding...well, hell...welcome to the club. Life can be a multitude of suckiness at times. Life is also the best popper of the little dreams of What We Think Should Happen by giving us a metric buttload of What Really Does Happen. Reality can suck, but if you can handle the waves ....[keanu]whoa, what a rush![/keanu] If it is that bad, help needs to be had and pronto!

If there is a fear of her hurting herself what the hell kind of pressure is that for you to deal with? You are a great friend. Do her parents or siblings know about this? If her parents are aware of her behavior and skedaddled, well, holy shit, that is just awful. However, maybe your friend is co-dependant and is use to sucking the life out of those around her and the parents are not putting up with it anymore. Is this a constant pattern in her life? Dunno. that is your call.

No human needs that kind of baby sitting if they were mentally stable. Yeah, she is going through a rough time, but to be honest, the turbulence of a marriage or the end of a marriage is not the end of the world. (GASP!) Just the seemingly end of their own private little bubble of contentment. Y'know the Happily Ever After Shit that doesn't exist. If it is true love ( truw wuv), it will endure and truw wuv is not all about being happy and everything perfect all the time. Its about swallowing some pride, admitting you are wrong or saying, " Hey, I'm in over my head here....and not comfortable with this...give me time to adjust." or we need to work together on this, not against each other...blah blah..lather, rinse, repeat. it never goes away...you just have to learn to deal with it or let it go.


Running home and hiding behind his mother's skirts is a sign of immaturity. However, being a mama's boy isn't a crime. It isn't necessarily a Hideously Bad Thing either. Mama's Boys tend to treat their wives better in the long run and are faithful, non abusive types. They probably are a little more sullen.It sucks at times, but it beats Testosterone Sexist Man-Child Husband you could have chosen.) He hasn't complete grown up yet and you cannot ask him to chose between you and mama. He will pick mama. The problem is Mama. She needs to tell her son that she won't be the messenger and if she is adult enough and grown up enough, she'll grasp this concept and give Mr. AFG the message and butt out. If he is using a neutral 3rd party to relay messages, that is a sign of cowardice. Real adults take it face on, over a barrel and up the ass. It is character building, to say the least.

Running like that at the first disagreement is a sign of immaturity. Real people with cojones stick it out or deal with the issues when the cool down. Asking for a divorce like that is just infantile. It is a horrible weapon that will cause severe reprocussions in the long run making you fearful to ever state your opinion on something lest it upsets him to the point of him leaving. It is mental landmine planted in your head for the rest of the relationship, the bastard. It is very awful and petulant that he did this. Have his testicles dropped yet?

We Ujests, like to rely on the wonders of the cell phone for that kind of communication. Neutral Territory so that he can't see me rolling my eyes until the optical nerve snaps when he politely and gently prods the sore territory that I don't ever want to deal with againdammit and I can't see him grasping the steering wheel until it nearly shatters at whatever dumbass curt reply I gave him. (He is a diplomat. I am a Navy Seal/SAS/Commando.) I could learn alot from him if I wasn't so thickheaded. The $40 a month for my phone his is a company phone is cheaper than therapy!

Anyways...blah blah blah

Take care of yourself first and count me as an Amazon Floozy Goddess Fan!


Good luck and keep us posted.
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  #41  
Old 07-11-2005, 08:52 AM
Anaamika Anaamika is online now
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AFG, all my love and best wishes too. Feel free to e-mail me anytime at elenia25@gmail.com.
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  #42  
Old 07-11-2005, 09:09 AM
elfbabe elfbabe is offline
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He wants the meeting to involve his MOM?

His MOM?!

Oh, man.



By the way, AFG, I never really looked at the username anagram drawings thread before it was linked here, so I didn't fully appreciate your awesomeness until recently. I am sorry.

-- flab beeelfbabe
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  #43  
Old 07-11-2005, 09:32 AM
Anaamika Anaamika is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elfbabe
He wants the meeting to involve his MOM?

His MOM?!

Oh, man.
I don't quite know what to say about this, either, especially since not too long ago I derided a family member (not to their face) for doing exactly this: getting mad at his wife and running home to Mommy.

Of course, they've only been married a year! It's early yet. AFG & husband have been married a lot longer, I think.
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  #44  
Old 07-11-2005, 11:23 AM
Amazon Floozy Goddess Amazon Floozy Goddess is offline
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We've actually been married just over a year, but we were dating for 4 years previously.

I did forget to mention that yes, we did both agree on having her stay. We insisted to her that she stay, actually.

I hope that the reason for having the moms there is for advice on what we can do as a couple to work out the problems, not as a muffler for dumping me.

Despite what he's done, he is normally a funny, kind, affectionate person and I will do whatever it takes to get him back. I'm not religious but I'm praying he doesn't dump me. Yes, I'm angry and I know what he did is really unfair to me, but I want to put the anger aside and try to find out what the heart of the problem is.
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  #45  
Old 07-11-2005, 11:29 AM
anu-la1979 anu-la1979 is offline
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I'm confused as to why his mother and your mother need to be there for a discussion about the fate of your marriage? I don't know AFG, that's a little odd to me-it's your marriage and your husband's marriage. I've always felt that at the point that you actually marry someone your parents are beyond chaperoning your interaction.

I just want to say one thing that struck me from your OP-don't stay with someone b/c you don't want to be alone and you think you can't get anyone else. That's a bad, bad, reason and speaks volumes about how you view yourself. If you want him back it should be for him-not b/c of how you feel about yourself. And honestly, I remember your posts about how your husband makes you feel as though he is ambivalent about his attraction to you and whatnot. Tread carefully-you seem like a lovely person and deserve better than what is being dished out to you right now.
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  #46  
Old 07-11-2005, 11:36 AM
TwistofFate TwistofFate is offline
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Dumping all his stuff at his mothers and changing the locks will totally give him the wrong impression.

Hold still, and let him know that when he is ready to come back and behave rationaly, you'll be there to talk with him and help sort it out.

Rushing into some point scoring exercise won't benefit anybody.
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  #47  
Old 07-11-2005, 11:44 AM
The Weird One The Weird One is offline
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Hi, AFG, there's no way I'm qualified to give any sort of advice on this matter, I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and I hope things work out for the best. {{{AFG}}}
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  #48  
Old 07-11-2005, 11:49 AM
Draelin Draelin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Weird One
Hi, AFG, there's no way I'm qualified to give any sort of advice on this matter, I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and I hope things work out for the best. {{{AFG}}}
Ditto that. The only part of this situation I have any experience with is houseguests overstaying their welcome, and feeling bad about asking them to leave. That, you handled beautifully.

But everything else is way out of my league. Just wanted to chime in as one of the people who's thinking about you and hoping for the best.
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  #49  
Old 07-11-2005, 12:09 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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AFG, whatever else happens, I strongly encourage you to see a counsellor about your self-esteem issues. You are a good, normal human being, and you deserve the best in life, not what you're willing to settle for, but it doesn't sound like you believe it. Your husband leaving or staying doesn't decide how much your life is worth, but it sounds like you feel that way right now, because you don't think very much of yourself.

And your friend, H, should be in therapy too, if she's suicidal. It's not your responsibility to keep her alive; that's way too heavy a burden for anyone to carry, no matter how good a friend she is.

By the way, if the worst happens and your husband does leave you, I think you'll be surprised at how strong you really are. Sometimes strength is just taking one breath, then taking another.
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  #50  
Old 07-11-2005, 12:42 PM
Uncommon Sense Uncommon Sense is offline
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I hope everything works out too. Really.
We've all been down similar roads.

One point to ponder; (or maybe several)
If you're even the least bit concerned that he may be dumping you at this meeting on Tuesday, there must be other underlying issues in your relationship.
No self respecting individual would carry on to this extreme over such a seemingly innocuous event. There has to be something else going on that either you aren't telling us or something else is going on with him that he isn't telling you. Nobody blows up like this over something so piddly, unless.....
I don't know the unless part. But I suspect you'll hear about it on Tuesday. Strange, it is.
I too thought he was possibly seeing H, but you seem sure he's not. Never know though. Why else would he blow up?

Best wishes for a full recovery.
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