I’m curious to see how many people know of any weird songs - but anyway, I love 'em. Hilarious weird, or just plain weird. Off the top of my head, I have only two:
“Little Girls” - Oingo Boingo (anything by them, I suppose)
“Detachable Penis” - King Missile
I can’t remember who sang it, but I loved “I Wish I Was A Lesbian”
OK, I really really like OIngo Boingo. That song causes problems though. It doesn’t actually endorse pedophilia if you really listen to it (it’s very tongue-in-cheek). However, to someone just walking past my door when I’m playing that, it probably sounds like it does. For some reason the volume always gets turned down when that one comes on…
And anything by the Bogmen or Space or Reverend Horton Heat is very weird.
Anything by Stephen Lynch is (pardon my French) freakin hilarious.
The Battle of Kookamonga by Homer & Jethro
It’s “The Battle of New Orleans”, but about a boys’ camp raiding a girl’s camp, and getting into a swamp.
The absolute weirdest song I ever heard is Existential Blues by T-Bone.
“I’ll get you my pretty and your little dog, Toto, too.”
“I don’t even have a dog named Toto”
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy”
“She asked me what’s your sign. I said neon…”
Zev Steinhardt
Ah, Dr. Demento…the man who gave Weird Al his start.
If that was all he did in his life, it would be enough…
(I LOVE Weird Al!)
A few years ago we were driving along in Canada when a song came on that was about Killer Beavers or woodchucks or something. It was completely psycho, but it was hilarious. I never heard it again and never did find out what it was called or who sang it. Maybe someone can point me in the right direction.
Oh bah, Buddy Holly, I know the song you’re talking about but too, am completely oblivious to what it’s called.
Hmph, I say.
Okay, the song I’m thinking of is Wynonas Big Brown Beaver by Primus.
If that’s the same one you’re thinking of, I can only guess…
Well this is the same problem I had with “Weird music you love”. As far as I know all the music I listen to is normal. Perfectly perfectly normal.
But…if somebody could help me with a song my aunt used to sing to me. It’s about a highly sucessful family. There’s a verse for each family member. The only one I can remember is:
"Grandmother sells prophylatics.
She punctures each head with a pin…
At night she does cut-rate abortions.
My God how the money rolls in."
Chorus:
“Rolls in
Rolls in
My God how the money rolls in, rolls in”
KINKY, KINKY, KINKY! As in Kinky Friedman.
Some examples:
They Ain’t Making Jews Like Jesus Anymore.
Asshole from El Paso.
The Ballad of Charles “Texas” Whitman
(Kinky went to college with him)
We Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to you.
When Kinky isn’t writing such gems, he is
writing hysterically funny mystery novels
about a detective named (what else?)
Kinky Friedman. Very verstile, warped guy.
Absolutely the weirdest song ever is Lol Coxhill’s verson of “I am the Walrus.” Must be heard to be believed (and not even then).
“I Wish I Was a Lesbian” is by the immensely talented Loudon Wainwright III.
Anything by King Missle is wierd and wonderful. They have one song about wanting to go to Scotland, to buy a micro-mini kilt “and poke you in the eye.”
Moxie Fruvous is high on the wierd music list.
Me First and the Gimmie Gimmes (I know, I keep talking about them, but they ARE funny) is a collective of musicians from other punk bands who get together and make albums of covers. Their first was 70s adult contemp. songs, their second was Broadway musicals.
mega the roo:
You must be thinking of “My Ding-a-Ling.” I can’t believe I’m the first one here to post it.
And Weird Al is nice, but how could we have a board full of people who don’t remember the musical stylings of Allan Sherman??? The Dave Barry of musicians, he is.
“I’m just gonna lay down here in this little field of POPPIES . . . POPpies . . . Poppies . . . poppies . . . .”
I know of several. Don’t forget Ray Stevens and all his wacky songs! The Streak. Ahab the Arab.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.
The song that goes “Ooh, ee, ooh, ahh, ahh, ting, tang, walla-walla bing bang.”
Fish-heads. (Dr. Demento favorite.)
I had more when I started typing but they’ve gone away…
Just about anything by Kay Kyser.
Three Little Fishies
(Lights Out) Til Reveille
Jingle, Jangle, Jingle
Strip Polka
Praise the Lord and Pass the Amunition
Old Buttermilk Sky
Woody Woodpecker
Here are the lyrics from one of their concept albums, God in 3 persons. Trully distrubing. Especially after you figure out what it’s about.
They called me “Mr. X, Indeed”, the special ones that saw so deep inside the souls of those who were so lonely. I was down
beneath the bottom, when my vacant staring caught them gaily parading up and down the street – followed by some stinking
masses, freeing fumes and giving gasses to the brown and nearly worn out air. But they had that certain presence like the ether
or the essence of the cleansing upper atmosphere. Laughing, loving, and without a doubt, they simply strode about the streets
that other creatures left alone. I ran across, myself compulsive, with the feeling of a pulsing drum that pounded underneath my
skin. A tingling in my tangled brain was screaming that this was insane, but it also told me, “touch it”, too.
"Stand aside", I told the masses, and with that I made my passage fromthe lonely to the only side. Openly they smiled to greet
me, like they always knew they'd meet me somewhere walking up and down the road. I knew I must appear as someone far
beyond the common com-on, so I could not say my name was Ed. So I said, "I'm Mr. X who wants to come and who expects to
help and guide your efforts to succeed". They laughed a little bit at me, and then said, "Mr. X -- Indeed", and hugged me
somehow hard and tenderly.
Hard and tenderly…
Devotion?
Shortly after I first me them, something that I said upset them and perhaps we should have parted then. I was saying how
important that they were and what a fortune could be made if they would let me try. But I did not understand why they took in
and had to stand by those who were so worthless to them both. Then they got extremely angry, shouting that the seedy gang
behind them may not have much value in my eyes... but they were people and were needing what we give and if you see them
like you see some roaches on the floor, then the sad one must be you who sees himself as too good to do something for the
weak or ones with warts. You disdain and criticize someone who has been compromised but really have no values of your own,
so maybe you should leave and find some, steal or beg or maybe buy some from a smiling banker or a store.
Something's coming, but not real soon...
At first I was too shocked to believe they would suggest that I should leave, and what was even worse was that I saw that they
preferred their gutter rutting friends above my smugly strutting. And I admit it stunned and humbled me. So I begged and then
beseeched them," Let me stay and you could teach some sense into the tired old mind of mine." And of course we reconciled
with hugging arms and tugging smiles that left me more secure, but still in doubt. I truly loved and felt devotion from them both, but I was broken up and
feeling powerless inside. I must become important to them, intertwined with roots into them, or else I’d lose my false and newfound pride.
The Thing About Them
What will happen now?
Now there was this thing about them that caused me at times to doubt them, or created conflict in my mind. Usually there was a
he one, and there also was a she one, but somehow they came out differently. And one of them, when she was she, would
smiles and burn a hole in me; a hole that was too hard for me to hide. Once I had a dream about her, in a field, alone outside a
tiny little cottage made of sticks. It was much too small to use it, so she bumped her head and bruised it trying to get through
the tiny door. Afterwards, I went to tell her, but it was a he I felt who nodded at my words indifferently. And of course when
this would happen, there was still a she to tap up on my shoulder from the other side. But it wasn't her who looked then, close
perhaps, but like some bookend that had come misshapened from it's mate. So I told myself there must be some way I can
make them just be who I want to be with all the time, 'cause it kept me at a distance, but my senses kept insisting it was much
more interesting inside.
Their Early Years
Once when we were on a bus between some cities we discussed the things that happened in their early years. Their youngest
time was spent alone while living with an uncle only half remaining froma foreign war. His upper half was well enough, but in
the pants between his cuffs and where his zipper stopped, his legs were gone. And so he rolled around on wheels, self
sufficient in a peeling little house he could not paint again. But it was spotless to a point two feet above the floor and warmth
was in his laugh and in his smiling face. The people that they met were few and might have been disturbed by two who looked
so strange, but they were not aware. For living with their stumpy uncle, who was unconcerned and rumpled, made them see
things differently. They thought that we were put together randomly, just like the weather, with no uniformity in mind. But that
vision only lasted for a while until he passed away and they were sent off to a home. The children there did not have parents,
were all alike and always staring, as they sat on chairs above the ground. So they cried and then withdrew from those that
shouted, laughed, and who were mean because of suffering inside. Once alone they heard some children shouting that a car
had killed one of their pets out in the road ahead. As they approached the fallen body, blood appeared and then they saw a leg
that had been torn away somehow. So they kneeled upon the ground and lifted up the leg they found and wedged it gently just
below the spot where both their shoulders joined together. Then the sun, which had been setting, winked and for a moment all
was dark. And when the sun returned above them, no one laughed and made fun of them, for the dog was licking at the joint, barking loud and resurrected
and causing them to be respected by those who had avoided them before.
Loss of a Loved One
I told them how my wife had fallen into sickness and to calling out her name with questions on her tongue. We had always been
so happy that at first I wasn't sad because I thought my love could keep her strong. But I never thought so wrongly for the fever
fought too strongly and it seemed she never fought at all. Soon she died, and I despaired upon the love seat we had shared so
many times on pleasant afternoons. I tried and tried to understand why love itself could not command my true love from the
comas of her mind. Now, empty, open, and forebodding, stretching out like darkened clothing somehow stained with silence and
with fear. Death had brought its separation, giving me an education of a dull and slowly drifting day. I filled my emptiness with
sorrow, taking what I could not borrow from the friends I finally drove away.
This is the sad part.
Oh, it's such a sad part...
"Yes, my life was nearly ruined, till I saw what you were doing. Now I strive to keep on serving you. Life is good but I am
better, for I feel at last I let her go because I finally found the truth. Sadly now, I see the answer. All her life she was a dancer,
but no one ever played the song she knew."
The Touch
As they told me other childhood stories, they knew that I stood close but never close enough to touch the holy union of
their bonding that I wished to touch so fondly with my heart, and maybe somehow more. But they had a way of keeping it
away, while never seeming less than big and open friendly doors. Then one day it finally happened. Just before they took a
nap, we joked around the room in which they slept. They were kidding me about an incident when I kicked out some rowdy
shouting something near the door. They said that I had looked afraid and if I didn't act my age, then they would have to
hold me back next time. I laughed and said that it would take more than just two freaks to make me stop if someone
interrupted us again. And with that we started shoving back and forth until a sudden move caught me completely off my
guard. They reached around surrounding me within a wall of flesh -- I found my only freedom left was in my hand which
dangled up and down between their sides until I jerked and seemed to watch it flutter down upon their joint.
Fluttered down it
fluttered down it
fluttered down it
fluttered down…
And suddenly a shock went through me and a moment slipped into the room that was not in the air before. Looking up we all connected in a triangle of
eyes reflecting tension and unsaid excitement, too. Then it passed in nervous laughter, but I sensed a change soon after we unlocked our limbs and I
withdrew.
Fluttered down it
fluttered down it
fluttered down it
fluttered down…
The Service
He really loved them
He really cared…
So I pushed and pushed and pushed them, through the towns and through the bushes and the word was spreading like a lie.
"Come and see the holy two-some. They can heal and they can do some things that no one ever did before." And so they came
for holy healing, both the belching and the squealing, and the ones who maybe just were bored. Down the aisle they slowly
paraded, when I smiled and masquaraded as the kindly keeper of the touch. Kneeling them along a line, I taped a tiny piece of
pine upon the chin of each and every one. And then from this a copper wire stretched across a tubeless tire and ended in a
round and reddish clamp. Then at once the fees were taken, and the apprehension shaken for the twins would silently appear.
Full of life and love and smiling knowing not that all the while I too was smiling to myself inside. Silently I stood between
them holding up the crimson gleaming circle with the ends now pried apart. Then I lifted up the cover softly like it was my
lover and I felt them shudder as they sighed. As I clamped the metal on it, something like a liquid donut shimmered as the holy
union flexed. Then the people screamed and shouted, as the donut grew and sprouted little bitty dust balls made of fire. And
these soon enough descended down the lines that finally ended at the screams of joy and pain and fear. For soon the cripples
would be walking and the dummies would be talking but no one knew exactly how or why.
Confused (By What I Felt Inside)
I was standing at the fireplace thinking of my own desire which seemed to offer me no place to go, when I heard a little giggle,
sounding like some silly piglets playing in the mud so deep and warm. So I went and looked around and from the bathroom dorr I
found some sounds that had not come from there before. So I shouted, "Come on out", and soon I saw them both look out
expressing fear and innocence at once.
How it started...
They said that they were having fun withsomething that they found someone had left behind a basket on the floor.
"Let me see", and so I took it with a snatch that left a crooked smile across the corner of my mouth. It was a smooth and shiny
object with a purpose and a job I recognized and was familiar with. Looking up I saw one pair of eyes that somehow now were
staring straight into the secrets of my mind. I knew at once it was the she thing, not the they and not the he thing looking back at
me and my desire.
Inflamed I reached and pulled her close, but then at once I had them bothoff balance and we fell upon the floor into a pile of awkward bodies, with arms
and legs and elbows caught beneath, around, and in between us all. Hastily I helped them up and said that we should soon discuss and try to understand
what they had found. But it was too late to do it now, but if I tell the truth, I was confused by what I felt inside.
That was a bad thing…
Fine Fat Flies
Soon I woke when I was sleeping with a restless reaching feeling but did not know what I was reaching for. I got up and
started walking, but soon found that I was stalking prey that I could utilize for more than just an easy conversation, or an
evenings' inspiration. Now the time was right for something more. As I walked I thought of flies that stuck to sticky pecan
pies that people put upon the window sill, and how those fine fat flies would feed until they satisfied their greed then buzzed
around in panic till they died. Knowing where my feet would take me if I kept on moving, made me see myself exactly like
those flies. Drawn into a situation that with some consideration never would fulfill its smiling smell. But there was no
hesitation in my step or in my making sure the door was quiet when it closed. And as I walked into the darkness, I could
sense a woken sharpness penetrating deep within the room. Then I touched her arm and throat, and found beneath my hand a
coat of moisture though the night was not too warm. The other one was breathing deeply, so I thought he must be sleeping,
but then again I wasn't really sure. "Hold me tight and be my master", someone whispered and I fastened fingers of my own
around her wrists which strangely were secure behind her as I began to mount and bind her to myself with force I could not
hold. Then I seemed to hear a snicker but I was so busy with her that I did not notice him until I felt him put his hands around
my throat and squeeze as if the sounds I made should not escape into the air causing me to moan too loudly as I jerked on out
the fire that I no longer could control. I was first to see the flashing blinding light of liquid lashing out my arms, but my convulsions spread to my
writhing young companions who were lost in unabandoned cream that soon would crack and fade away. Afterwards, when it was quiet and the bonds had
been denied, I told them that we should do this again. But I said it would be wrong to play these games of weak and strong together without me around to
help them understand the dangers in it, for there were so many and they simply were to young to understand.
Time
Instrumental
Silver, Sharp and Could Not Care
The following day I did some walking, for my mind did too much talking to itself, and so I walked along and thought of our last
episode, and that somehow it had eroded feelings from my closely guarded core. And also then I knew corruption leaked into
this last eruption, and it's oily odor stayed around. Long ago I knew that I was sly, perhaps, and not too nice, but underneath I
thought my goals sublime. But now, how could I tolerate behavior that could suffocate contentment in my friends and maybe
more? Desire conflicted in my mind with thoughts I once had found divine and torment twisted me between the two. Aimlessly I
slowly wandered, as my footsteps took me onward to a part of town I did not know.
Soon I saw I was distracted by a window that was acting as a display for abarber's store. And what was underneath my stare
was silver, sharp, and could not care about confusion or about despair. It only had one job to do. and when it cut it cut so true
that now I knew exactly what to do. So I went inside and bought it from a man who never caught the tingle that it raised along
my spine, electrically a pleasant tension, like a liquid in suspicion flowed into the conflict in my head. And now my feeling was
well being, but I could not help from seeing that my hands were shaking as I paid. And as I left, my thoughts returned to what I
told them they had learned through our ordeal of torture and delight. Yes, it was a lie I told them, not to help but just to hold
them with me, but I really should have said, “Lies can often give you power like a coffin filled with flowers gives life to the living, not the dead.”
Kiss of Flesh
Now it’s almost over
Now it’s almost done
There’s only a thing or two
Then we are gone…
I returned while they were eating supper at the table seated side by side upon a special stool. So I said when they were finished with
their whole wheat toast and spinach, we should go back to the secret room that had only been constructed recently to be conductive
to the force that grew around the twins. Once inside, we all admired it's silver gleaming pointed spire that rose into the center of the
room. Up and up toward the ceiling, gracefully it stretched not yielding to the confines of the smallish room. For it pierced and open
circle and vanished deep into the murky night that held its crown somewhere above. The room had been and inspiration of the twins
that I had taken -- building it of wood and tile and chrome. And they would stay inside for hours, while the rain dripped down the
tower, sitting on a bench around its base. But this time we were not there for inspiration but to bare our other sides and feel the kiss
of flesh.
"Take your clothes off", I commanded like a bold and common banditbasking in the feeling of control. I was standing back behind
them with a length of line to tie them once their nakedness had been revealed.
"Kneel", I said becoming heated for the task had been completed and Ifelt my goal was drawing hear.
“Hee hee hee”
Then I heard a little snicker.
“Hee hee… hee hee hee”
“What was that!”, I said and quickly giggles spread infection in the room.
“Stop it! Stop it! Stop!”, I said but it seemed to spread and spread.
“Stop it or I won’t show you any more!”
“We can’t believe that you’re so dumb to think we needed anyone to showus what we’ve known about for years.”
“What!”, I screamed in disbelief so certain that I was the thief thattook away their purity, I said, “But what about the other night when she and I were
locked so tight and…” Laughter downed me out so I stopped.
“What makes you think that it was ‘her’”, the mocking voices said withwords that sliced me open, fast and quick.
“But I know it must have been, because I smelled her heated skinand…”
"Don’t you see there is no `she’ now?
Don’t you see there is no `she’ now?
Don’t you see there is no `she’ now…"
So I saw there was no she but there was only them and me, and they werelaughing in my face too loud. So I reached into my pocket and a feeling like a
shock exuded from my fingertips and spread along my limbs and up my butt and focused just below my guts and made me hold my breath before the
blade could finally fall at last and free me from the anger and the screaming endlessly exploding in my head. So I slit the holy union, turning it into a
wound that gaped apart and bled upon the ground – causing me to fire my passion as I stared into the gash that quivered like a burned and ripped out
tongue. So great upon my throbbing penis was the pull towards this venus that there was no thought of it at all. Only all consuming lust to be inflamed in
base disgust and smile about it when I came inside. So I slipped my dick into it thrusting into pain and spewing blood around the room – I needed more.
And so I fucked it that much harder; deep and fast I pushed apart the shoulders that were down below my waist.
Screams were slicing up the air as eyes rolled up and teeth were bared bylips that stretched too tight and tried to tear. There could be but one conclusion
to this sick distorted fusion, and of course it came… and so did I. Madly with my face contorted I convulsed and shoved apart the shoulders that I gripped
so hard and I faintly recollect a ripping sickey sound of fleshy splitting as I drifted towards a big black hole. And just before I hit the floor I noticed one
was rolling over showing me a smooth unblemished thigh that ended in a red eruption just below her belly button, but maybe it was only in my mind.
Pain and Pleasure
And so my story winds on down toward and ending that's been found to come whenever all is said and done. I've lived my
life and taken chances and if some were strange by standards that were less important than my needs, then I guess I could be
crooked, evil, bent, and twisted, looked down upon the strings I tried to pull. But I see the strings extending up and down and
never ending as we dance around our selves and jerk to all the tunes that only we hear and the voices only we fear each
inside an island all alone. But the contact that we do make, as we give and take abuse, stays and its value only multiplies. Yes
I'm alone, but not forgotten, for each comes and sees me often, sitting on a seat beside my bed, and we laugh and reminisce
about a life that once was bliss before an act of passion made us part. Of course they'll always be together, but their bond is
made of leather not the flesh and blood it used to be. They're still full of life and healing, but it has a different feeling and
only for the few that seek their sort of pain and pleasure when they merge and give into insistent urgency that lives for
seconds at a time. For pain and pleasure are the twins that slightly out of focus spin around us till we finally understand that
everything that gives us pleasure also gives us pain to measure it by, and I also realize... that all our lives we love illusion,
neatly caught between confusion and the need to know we are alive.
This is the end.