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#1
08-23-1999, 04:17 PM
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I am neither man nor woman, yet both and more. I am everyone; I am nobody. I yam what I yam. I am he as you are we and they are we and we are all together. I am the Alpha and the Omega; also the Omni. UB40, I be eternal.
Oh, and stop grovelling. Every time I try to talk to someone it's "I'm sorry this and forgive me that and I am not worthy"...now KNOCK IT OFF! 
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#2
08-23-1999, 04:25 PM
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Hey, GOD. How's it goin'? Listen, I just wanted to stop a moment and be sure to thank you for all the good stuff. You know, baby giggles and snow-capped mountains and Milano cookies and pretty sunsets and burps that feel really good. That sort of stuff. You're the best! YAY GOD!
------------------ I think you're smarter than a dumb slug. - Christopher A. Evans
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#3
08-23-1999, 04:32 PM
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Yes, but are you Milli Vanilli? I hardly think so...
------------------ Contestant #3
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#8
08-24-1999, 12:06 AM
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Well maybe you'd deign to explain a few things then.
Like the Holocaust. You allowed your Chosen People to be treated like that? What was the point there? A nicely aimed bolt of lightning could have saved millions of lifes. Or were you just feeling a little lonely? Or the whole "sacrifice" concept - what's that about? You started off demanding bits of sheep or goats, and then you decided we should sacrifice your own son? Very nasty, in my opinion. And this Bible thing. Couldn't you have provided a little practical information, like "this is how electricity works" or "watch out for rats - they carry plague." But no, just a lot of "thou shalt nots" - very helpful. Pfui.
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#10
08-24-1999, 12:25 AM
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Asemayo, how do you know our GOD wrote that book you're talking about? I personally believe it was written by a lot of old Jewish guys a long time ago. That book could be flat out wrong. I happen to think a lot of it is.
------------------ I think you're smarter than a dumb slug. - Christopher A. Evans
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#11
08-24-1999, 01:00 AM
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Does the guy who built the house get blamed when the people who later live there get nutty and do bad things? I'm pretty much hands-off when it comes to human affairs. Keep in mind that there are fates worse than death. BTW, sacrifice was a human idea, too. As far as the Bible goes, there's a lot of good stuff in there if you pick through the awkward translations. I didn't write it, though.
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#12
08-24-1999, 01:34 AM
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God, of course you know that I posted in another thread that I won $20,000 at the horse track, and that towards the end of the race you probably remember me saying something like, "Oh God, please!! I'll do anything just let me win this race. Oh God, please, I'll quit smoking, cut back on the single malt scotch and try to be a better person..in fact I'll give up gambling, God, if you just let me win this one race!"
Well, forget it. It was all bullshit. In fact, you owed me one. (Big raspberry here)
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#13
08-24-1999, 01:51 AM
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GOD spake:
"Does the guy who built the house get blamed when the people who later live there get nutty and do bad things?" He should certainly be blamed if he also built the people. So, you created the world and everything in it - including us - and then abnegate all responsibility. Bah! Zeus was a much better god than you. And a lot more fun.
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#14
08-24-1999, 03:43 AM
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Well, I guess we know what this makes me...
------------------ Brian O'Neill CMC International Records rockuniverse.com/cmc/cmc.html ICQ 35294890 AIM Scrabble1 Yahoo Messenger Brian_ONeill
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#15
08-24-1999, 04:29 AM
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Why is the poster "GOD" actually claiming to be God?? I mean Satan does not claim to be the mighty dark lord himself. Whats with the charade? Personality complex, what? Im definitely not a bible thumper, but the fact that someone has taken it upon themselves to pose as the highest religious figure which billions of people worldwide over thousands of years take seriously, seems like the biggest act of perjury in history.
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#16
08-24-1999, 06:04 AM
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Yeah, Neobican, and why does God need to post through the auspices of America OnLine? Wouldn't the real God be his/her/its own ISP? Like, www.creation.net?
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#17
08-24-1999, 06:06 AM
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Aw, jeeze, wouldn't ya know it? That turned out to be a real website for a bunch of Korean Creationists! Don't go there, God! You won't like what you read!
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#18
08-24-1999, 06:29 AM
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Hehe, that's pretty funny, DIF.
By the way, GOD, I never received an answer for my ultimatum, you know, or you should know, the one about the million dollars or a bolt of lightning? Jesus! I mean GOD! Do I have to be Oral Roberts for you to talk to me? ------------------ ¾È ³ç, ÁÖ µ¿ ÀÏ
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#21
08-24-1999, 10:01 AM
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Quote:
The mystic in me then says "does it really even matter if this is the real GOD"? I mean, what is GOD anyway, and how would we know if we saw him/her/it? GOD is in all of us. Therefore, the GOD we're chatting with here is as good as any thunder/lightning/celestial throne god. Just my $.02. ------------------ I think you're smarter than a dumb slug. - Christopher A. Evans
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#22
08-24-1999, 11:24 AM
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Are you all blind?
GOD is loverock. Remember GOD came into being at the end of the loverock hoax. HE is the same group of regulars that perpetrated loverock. Watch GOD's email address carefully and remember that when you change your email address a new password is sent to that address.
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#24
08-24-1999, 05:15 PM
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Ah, Mr. Thin Skin, you're no fun anymore. Where else am I going to get the opportunity to flame GOD?
Oh, and GOD? About that sacrifice thing. You said: "BTW, sacrifice was a human idea". Oh really? Then how about that little trick you pulled on Abraham and Isaac? Didn't you command Abraham to sacrifice his son? Of course, when he was about to go through with it, you did jump in and say, "Never mind, just kidding!" but you also provided a handy ram so the sacrifice could be made. Why not just say, "no, no - sacrifice isn't really necessary."?
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#25
08-24-1999, 06:17 PM
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Neobican posted
Quote:
And being present at the Isaac event, I can tell you that GOD doesn't demand human sacrifice but accepts those who voluntarily sacrifice themselves for a larger good. However, if you don't believe GOD or me, than you commence to worship Goldberg, who is God. Peace.
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#26
08-24-1999, 10:30 PM
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Hey GOD, since you know all tell me who or what is this loverock thing? I haven't been here long yet keep reading references to it or them or whatever! Thanks! And don't go around the board reading my other posts. I don't think you'd approve!
------------------ The moon looks on many flowers, the flowers on but one moon.
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#30
08-25-1999, 12:12 AM
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Hey, Big Guy, can you end this foolish debate about creationism/evolution once and for all? I personally don't give a damn; I'm just tired of all the pontificating jackasses.
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him. Yours, apathetically. BTW, this could be a vey amusing thread. ------------------ Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce
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#31
08-25-1999, 03:32 AM
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Uh, excuse me God, but I have a couple of questions if you don't mind.
Why did You make fleas, and all the other blood sucking pests. I hate bugs. And I want to know where you got the idea for hummingbirds too, strange little creatures, pretty though. ------------------ t.g. sweet innocent little old grandma type person
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#32
08-25-1999, 06:52 AM
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Hey, GOD, can you send me something about loverock, also. (I think you told Byzantine)
I just missed the part where loverock was revealed to be other posters on this board. I would just like to know who the culprits were. Shall I get down on my knees? ------------------ ¾È ³ç, ÁÖ µ¿ ÀÏ
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#33
08-25-1999, 08:50 AM
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Hi, GOD. Um, just a quick question. Two years ago this October, I realized I didn't believe in you anymore. Is that OK?
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#34
08-25-1999, 10:48 AM
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MrKnowItAll, it's OK. I still believe in you.
RE: Zeus and Satan; they, like all other supernatural beings AND natural beings, are aspects of me. So are you all. RE: Abe&Isaac; listen, throughout the ages, all kinds of hallucinations have been attributed to me. Grain-o-salt, people. RE: the evil in human nature; it really didn't start that way. I let you guys evolve as you saw fit. RE: gambling and sporting events; I have an ABSOLUTE hands-off policy. If I allowed the Holocaust, the Inquisition, etc...do you really think I'm gonna look down at a ballgame or a craps table and think "Now this is something I need to do something about" ? Hey folks, the fleas were a mistake. Sorry. I stand by the cockroaches, though. Something has to survive your final nuclear war. If, Man forbid, it should come down to that.
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#35
08-25-1999, 11:46 AM
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Hey GOD, still ducking the evolution/creatonism question? I know its a tough one but I need Your Word to shut these people up one and for all.
While I'm here, what's with the platypus? Did you just throw together something with all the leftover pieces? And another one, just what is "Holy Shit?" ------------------ Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce
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#36
08-25-1999, 03:17 PM
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GOD saieth: "Grain-o-salt, people". Shouldn't that have been, "pillar-of-salt"?
If everything and everyone is merely an aspect of you, funny that you'd be described as a jealous god - "no other god" etc., etc. Oh, I forgot - you're denying that you had any hand in the writing of the Bible. Those poor people were just hallucinating.
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#37
08-25-1999, 10:58 PM
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UncleBeer: I'm not ducking the question nor am I platypussing the question. The fact is that despite all evidence to the contrary, you folks are gonna believe what you want to believe. Whatever gets you through the night.
BTW, Holy Shit = Divine Excrement, of course. It is nothing. Since I am everything, I excrete pure nothingness. aseymayo: I didn't say I had no hand in it; I said it lost a lot in the translations. It wasn't very clear to the original writers, either. You know how hard it is to describe a dream accurately? Visions are a lot like that.
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#38
08-25-1999, 11:03 PM
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Excuse me God, but I need to quote you here
God said "Hey folks the fleas were a mistake . Sorry" Does this mean that God is not perfect and All knowing or could it possibly mean that < gasp, horror> God isn't REALLY GOD but instead is god or even a regular person <shudder> Hey how often do you get the chance to pick on God, uh God YOU know I'm joking right please say you do.
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#41
08-25-1999, 11:48 PM
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It's o.k.
We're UPS. We'll let ANYBODY sign for deliveries. You. Your next door neighbor. A total stranger. Your dog. If nobody signs, we'll just leave it on the front porch, in full view. We're UPS. We deliver. Whether you want it or not.  .
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#42
08-26-1999, 12:39 AM
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"Hey folks, the fleas were a mistake. Sorry. I stand by the cockroaches, though. Something has to survive your final nuclear war. If, Man forbid, it should come down to that."
Nothing personal, GOD, but I'm gonna eliminate every flea and cockroach I can. My kitten has volunteered his services to help me search out and destroy cockroaches, so I guess that they DO serve a good purpose. But if I see a roach, I'm gonna step on it. ------------------ Lynn the Packrat
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#46
08-27-1999, 12:06 AM
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Now, GOD - first you say you've maintained a strictly hands-off, non-interference policy since Creation, then you say you did have a hand in the creation of the Bible. Isn't that interference?
As for mistranslations and poor interpretations in the Bible - you certainly managed to get the 10 Commandments across loud and clear. Or did Moses dream those up himself?
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#47
08-27-1999, 12:11 AM
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Thanks for the reply GOD. I used to talk to you often in my younger and more foolish days. This is the first time you have ever replied. Must be the new fractional T1 line. The other stuff is probably still clogged up in the GTE's telepone lines.
All hail the bandwidth. ------------------ Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Ambrose Bierce
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#48
08-27-1999, 09:02 AM
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You're not God. God loves the seventh-inning stretch, ball park hot dogs, and the look that kids have going to their first live ballgame. God invented the special sound of real wood smacking a baseball and the smell of oiled, leather mitts.
No way man, you're not God. ------------------ "...send lawyers, guns, and money..." Warren Zevon
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#50
08-27-1999, 11:08 AM
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Bluepony said:
Quote:
I bet you LOVED "Field of Dreams." Adam ------------------ "Life is hard...but God is good"
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