I’ve decided in these tight times that I will stop lighting my cigars with $100 dollar bills. I figure the money could be better spent on the kids college fund or some other such nonsense.
Plus, I never really understood the practice. You have to light the bill with something, right? Might as well just light the cigar directly with the thing you use to light the bill with…
So, what thing could you cut out of your life that’s otherwise wasteful to save a few bucks.
I’m having my Wazoo stapled shut. Apparently, there’s money coming out of it.
i agree. i’ll take one for the team and stop wiping my ass with cashmere pillows.
pass me a midget footstool, willya?
…hey, just becase he was born in turkey doesn’t automatically make him an ottoman…
blows a few bubbles out of his bubble pipe
I was so excited when my daughter was born that I hardly noticed when the nurse went to put the spoon in her mouth. Luckily, my subcouncious noticed that the reflective profile wasn’t right and I lunged for the spoon before she stuck it in. It was a fucking stainless steal spoon! I was about to be the proud father of a future Springer guest. Luckily, I had my family silver spoon that was used to vaccinate my family at birth.
I’ve decided to outsource my flatulance. The prime rib and caviar required for it’s generation were costing me an arm and a leg to warehouse and there’s a company in India that can do it on the cheap by converting the source code to a curry based platform. The deliveries to customers will still be timely, as we’re indeed seeing what Brown can do for us.
That was offal funny, lieu. Err, I mean, something about it smelled funny. No, wait …
If only I could give up my $1500 a day Fabergé egg habit.
You’ve made me see the error of my wasteful, spendthrift ways. I realize that those designer sheets & towels that I use once and then throw away could be used again.
So I’m going to let the dogs sleep on them before I throw them away from now on.
It was 13 degrees this morning when I woke up. I went around and closed all the windows. The furnace can’t keep up with these Wisconsin winters anymore.
Man, how many times have I heard that one?
Me, I’m finding it harder and harder to find original Da Vinci’s to use as toilet paper. Maybe I should move on to Renoir’s?
I’ve simply decided to stop being so shocked all the time. The falling monacles soon become broken monacles, and heavens, but monacles don’t grow on trees.
I’ve decided to convince Mrs B to stop smoking, so we don’t need to trade the car in so often. Or perhaps just get one with a bigger ashtray.
Jeez, I stopped lighting my cigars with hundred-dollar bills months ago!
I mean, it’s bad enough that I’m not paying them; do I have to burn them, too? 
Well, I guess I could have someone dust the mansion as opposed to buying a new one every week or so. And I suppose it’s not medically necessary to eat a handful of diamonds daily to aid in digestion (although, in the right light, it does make for some absolutely lovely poops - breathtaking[sup]2[/sup]. I’ll certainly miss that). The Dom Perignon bidet and Perrier septic system are possibly expendable. Refueling the jet instead of abandoning it should also be considered. I’m afraid if we go much beyond that, however, we’ll be getting into necessities.
I’m trying to give up smoking. I’ve been having one cigarette a year for decades, and for some reason I just can’t seem to cut down.
I’d like to do the same, but I was raised in a barn.
I could save some money instead of planting it in the yard. Evidently money doesn’t grow on trees.
I simply must stop bathing in money one of these days.
This is far more practical.
Laying a new diamond-terrazzo footpath to the helipad each morning has become… tiresome. I think I’m going to reuse the helipads from now on.
Absolutely. It only takes four gallons for you to be a million dollar babe!
I think in that case bathing in money would be cheaper.