I’m sure many of you have never had the pleasure of speaking to a Middle Class White Guy in person, and may have all kinds of myths and misconceptions about our people based on the way we’re presented in the media. I’m happy to help out! Just let me know what you want to know, and I’ll give you a fascinating look into the inner workings of the much-overlooked mysteries of the Middle Class White Guy’s mind.
For example, did you know that I…
like to eat meat and drink beer
enjoy sports
drive a car
listen to country music
think women are sexy
If you have any question at all, no matter how sensitive, don’t be afraid. I want to further your understanding of the middle class white guy.
For the first question, I find that developing a profound sense of personal xenophobia helps dull any curiousity about people from strange foreign lands such as “Saudi” and “Jersey.”
The answer to the second question is, “credit.” A good follow up question is, “when and how will you manage your debt, and send your daughter to college.” The answer to that, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
I gather that other groups often underestimate the burden of the responsible middle-class white guy.
What do you recommend as the proper contributions per year to support others and self?
401K or related plan assuming $3 million needed for retirement
Emergency Savings - 6 months pay
Life Insurance - amount and rates - recommended 25x salary to make sure loved ones are taken care of in the event of my untimely demise.
Child college tuition plan(s) assuming $200,000 per child in 18 years
Long-term care plan - $2 million in care for self and spouse
Parental long-term care plan - Support and full-time care for up to 20 years per parent - $2 million.
Stock portfolio - to provide for a decent inheritance for the wife and kids.
Home owners and other insurance - protection for the times I get sued by those that aren’t as lucky.
Charity - 10% of income to give back.
When I run these numbers for myself, the burdens exceed household income even before I include such things as food, clothing, and shelter for my family. How am I suppose to meet these great demand in the coming decades?
Four, I think. It’s a kind of varicolored thing my (ex-)wife picked; not sure what it’s called but it’s excellent at concealing spilled grape juice and/or cat vomit and anything else the creatures in the house throw at it. Lapsed Catholic.
How is it that you can buy the most expensive tool needed for whatever project you are working on and justify such purchase, but telling your long lamenting wife that ‘we don’t need new X (curtains, new windows, new tires, cushy toilet paper, Enough food to make it until the next payday…etc.) right now. We just can’t afford it?’
Also, have you made your MidLife Crisis Purchase yet?
So many questions. I see that we have a lot of work to do in the way of promoting education about middle class white guys.
Shirley: I said I was middle class, not middle aged. When does middle age begin? OK, I’m nearly there, but I haven’t made the middle aged man purchase yet. Unless it’s this computer. A man needs his tools.
Astro: Saturn Wagon. I’m fine with it, but are the ladies satisfied? Normal, I think. Whole or Term? A big tub of gelatinous, easily winded goo is normal around here. We take our AC seriously here – very seriously. I’m fine with it, but are the ladies satisfied?
Did you and your buddies like Brokeback Mountain?
Do you have any middle class black friends?
Are you happy with the politics in the US now?
Do you wear socks with sandals?
Are you getting a return on your taxes, or do you have to cough up bucks?
I am interested in becoming a middle class white guy such as yourself, but I have no interest in golf. Could this be a handicap to my plans. Would it be acceptable for me to call myself a middle class white guy, but substitute NASCAR events for golf outings?
I thought it was OK, but one of my buddies described it as “unamerican.” I think he’s referring to the longish speech towards the end when Ennis praises Allah and promises to kill every last one of you imperialist devil-worshipping dogs. I used to have a middle class black neighbor, who was named Otis (to my mind, a bit of a stereotypical name for a middle class black guy). We would talk about issues concerning middle class men of all colors, like the spread of kudzu and the SEC. I am not happy with the politics in the US now. I do wear socks with sandals. I’m getting a little bit back based on my best estimates, because I itemize my deductions and my life is nothing but deductions.
NASCAR, like trucker hats and Toby Kieth, is for all income groups, from upper-lower-middle class to lower-middle-class to barely-middle-class to recently-lower-now-upper-middle-class. However, to truly belong to the fraternity of pale-skinned middle-income males, you should at least be able to make disparaging remarks about your golf game and have a neglected golf bag in the garage.
