Alternate Title: Why Asterion Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Own a Food Processor
Well, it being a rather slow day and getting hungry, I start looking through the pantry to see what I can eat without having to go to the store again. I see potatoes and milk that needs to be used up. So I think “Great! I’ll make some potato soup. Better Homes and Gardens has got to have a recipe somewhere.” So I start reading the recipe. Hmm…chop potatos, boil potatos. No problem so far. Going to need the processor later. Well, these potatos are going to take about 30 minutes to cook, so how about seeing if I can get the food processor (a Christmas present yet to be used) to french my remaining potato and I’ll make some fries.
So, first things first. Why won’t the damn thing start? Oh, safety interlocks. 10 minutes later, I’ve finally figured out the interlocks. Time to look in the manual. Hmmm…no explanation of how to french. Look under “freedoming”–still no go. Okay, I’ll try the slicing disk and make myself some potato disks. Shoot, it sliced way too thin. Well, I’ll just pan fry them and turn it into a gonzo. (Gonzo is named after a similar breakfast dish at a little restaurant in Albuquerque and has egg, cheese, bacon, potato, onion, and green chile.) I’ve got plenty of time before the potatos are done boiling. Just need to put the onion through the food processor. Switch disks out, shred the onions. Auggh! Lachrymator! Stupid dilute sulfuric acid. I’m starting to think I preferred the isocyanate. Now I just need to add the onions and green chile (I was out of bacon) and cook myself a couple eggs.
Shoot! I’ve only got the one frying pan. Okay, transfer everything into the wok pan. Grease the frying pan and add the eggs.
Damn it! Got distracted with the boiling potatos and the eggs burned. Scrape the eggs, start again. Pour the potatoes into the food processor. Wait, what does it mean “3/4 cup of chicken broth”? Okay, where’d I put the cans of chicken broth? Wait, that’s right, you don’t have cans just buillon cubes. Okay, fine. I’ll use a buillon cube. “Add 1 cube to 8 oz boiling water.” What boiling water? And where’d I put the kettle? 10 minutes later, I finally have boiling water. By now my gonzo is done but has yet to be eaten.
After what seems like an eternity, the cube is finally dissolved. Okay, now I can puree the potatos, onions, and more green chile. Wait, “melt margarine, add flour and seasonings, and milk in medium saucepan?” I’m out of saucepans and don’t have one the right size anyway. Okay, use the wok pan. Shoot, where’d I put the flour? Five minutes later, I find it where I put it, with the baking pans under the counter. Okay, need one tablespoon flour, little salt, little pepper. Need a cup of milk. Okay, fine, but my measuring cup is still partly full of chicken broth. Dump the broth, add the milk. Couple minutes later, add the creamed “vegetables”. Okay, that everything? No, add more chicken broth. Recipe called for 1.5 cups. But I can only make it a cup at a time. Fine. Boil more water, wait for the cube to dissolve, toss half the broth. Pour the rest in, let it cook for a while. Damn it, I didn’t stir it long enough and now I’ve got burned stuff on the bottom of the wok. And where’d I put my ladle? Can’t find the ladle, carefully pour it into the tupperware for later. Amazingly, that goes off without a hitch. Great, now I get to wash four cups, two knives, everything that came with the food processor, a couple plates, the wok, the frying pan, the pot, and the cutting board. All by hand. At least the soup tastes pretty good. But I can’t it eat now, because I’ve still got an entire gonzo that needs to be eaten first.
That’s it. Next time I’m going out for pizza.
