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  #1  
Old 02-16-2006, 08:36 PM
drmark2000 drmark2000 is offline
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Best Dirty Jokes/Rhymes/Songs from Childhood

You've all heard 'em, and maybe you even remember a few.

You know... they were the "dirty" jokes/tales/limericks/songs, etc., which introduced you to new vocabulary and aspects of human behavior with which you may have been previously unfamiliar.

I speak of Johnny Fuckerfaster ("I'm going as fast as I can, Ma!"), Purple Toiletbowl (sung to the tune of Yellow Submarine), among so many others. And why DO elephants get angry? You'd be angry, too, if you had to wipe with your nose!

At the age of 12, I could have provided dozens of such examples. At the age of 44, I can hardly remember any. Googling, to my utter amazement, has turned up nothing for me as yet. Any links would be very, very much appreciated

So, let's get it going.

Puerile sexual references, really stupid puns, and scatological content are not discouraged, at least by me.
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  #2  
Old 02-16-2006, 08:40 PM
drmark2000 drmark2000 is offline
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There once was a man named McSprocket,
Who stuck his dick up a socket.
The son-of-a-bitch
Turned on the switch,
And away shot McSprocket like a rocket!
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  #3  
Old 02-16-2006, 10:46 PM
Larry Mudd Larry Mudd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drmark2000
Purple Toiletbowl (sung to the tune of Yellow Submarine)
When I was in grade school it was:

We all live in a bucket of urine (rhymed with "marine," 'natch.)
Bucket of urine
Bucket of urine


I can't remember the rest of it, except "In the town / where I was born / there lived a man / who had to pee."

Most of my favourite childhood "dirty" rhymes and jokes are from very early childhood. (Around six or seven.)

Ink, pink, you stink
Riding on a horse's dink.


"Wanna hear a dirty joke?"
"Okay."
"A hundred white horses fell in the mud."
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  #4  
Old 02-16-2006, 11:30 PM
C K Dexter Haven C K Dexter Haven is offline
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I'm gonna rule that these aren't "art and entertainment" (although they may have entertained us as 8-year-olds), and hence not reasonable for Cafe Society Forum. It's more in the nature of a poll ("What do your remember...") so I'm moving it to IMHO forum.
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  #5  
Old 02-16-2006, 11:31 PM
Trillionaire Trillionaire is offline
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Milk, milk, lemonade, 'round the corner fudge is made!
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  #6  
Old 02-17-2006, 12:16 AM
E. Thorp E. Thorp is offline
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"Mommy! Turn on your headlights and open your gate! 'Cause here comes Daddy with a Z-28!"

And no, I can't believe I remember that...
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  #7  
Old 02-17-2006, 05:36 AM
An Arky An Arky is offline
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I picked this up from the bad kids down the street:


Goddamn motherfucking sonofabitch
Mama's in the kitchen cookin red hot shit
My Daddy's in hell
My Brother's in jail
Sister's on the corner yellin "pussy for sale"
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  #8  
Old 02-17-2006, 06:18 AM
FlyingRamenMonster FlyingRamenMonster is offline
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A family walks into a talent agency...
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  #9  
Old 02-17-2006, 07:05 AM
Malacandra Malacandra is offline
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A little boy is in the bath with his mummy, and he points between his legs and says "Mummy, what's that?" "That's your tugboat, son."

"And what's that?" he asks, pointing at Mummy. "That's my harbour," she replies.

"Can I sail my tugboat into your harbour, mummy?" he asks.

..."No son, that's reserved for Daddy's battleship".

Knocked 'em dead when I was a ten-year-old.
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  #10  
Old 02-17-2006, 07:21 AM
Nature's Call Nature's Call is offline
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George: Martha, can I stick my finger into your bellybutton?
Martha: Sure, George.
[pause]
Martha: Um, George, that's not my bellybutton.
George: And that's not my finger.
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  #11  
Old 02-17-2006, 07:47 AM
CalMeacham CalMeacham is offline
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I clearly hung out with the wrong crowd. We were a bunch goody two-shoes. I never heard any of these.



Purple submarine?
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  #12  
Old 02-17-2006, 07:57 AM
MissMossie MissMossie is offline
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Larry reminded me of this classic:

Want to hear a dirty joke?
A man fell in a mud puddle.

Want to hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.

Want to hear a nasty joke?
Bubbles was his next door neighbor!

I also vividly remember learning the following rhyme while playing on the jungle-gym on my elementary school's playground:

Dolly Parton, she's the best! She's got mountains on her chest!
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  #13  
Old 02-17-2006, 08:08 AM
Jayn_Newell Jayn_Newell is offline
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Three men were sitting around telling stories about how trashed they were the night before.

Ed: I got so drunk I blew chunks.
Ted: I got so drunk I wrapped my car around a tree.
Fred: I got so drunk I went home and beat up my wife.
Ed: No, you guys don't get it. Chunks is my dog.
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  #14  
Old 02-17-2006, 08:13 AM
Beware of Doug Beware of Doug is offline
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Dirty Music Camp Songs

...achieve a higher level of artistry than typical playground ditties. Often composed to original melodies, they reflect their young creators' precocious nature at a time of intense self-discovery (snerk).

I collected these at the National Music Camp in summer 1980.

I'm from Venus
I have a penis
Whoop de doop de doo
I have a pussy too

Mike, 10, saxophonist

Whoa! Penises penises penises penises
Ev - 'ry - where
There's penises in the kitchen
There's penises on the chair

Dave, 13, percussionist-actor

Strangers in the night, exchanging rubbers
This one's too tight, I'll try another
This one's too loose, I'm losing juice
This one's too firm, I'm losing sperm

Rob, 11, euphonist
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  #15  
Old 02-17-2006, 08:33 AM
TheLoadedDog TheLoadedDog is offline
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It's the boy's occupation
To stick his cocktatation
In the girl's ventilation
To increase the population
Of the younger generation
If you want a demonstration
Please lie down.


It was funny at twelve because it was about sex. It's funny at 35 because of the word "cocktatation". I guess they got bored with trying to find a rhyme.
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  #16  
Old 02-17-2006, 09:14 AM
drmark2000 drmark2000 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Mudd
When I was in grade school it was:

We all live in a bucket of urine (rhymed with "marine," 'natch.)
Bucket of urine
Bucket of urine


I can't remember the rest of it, except "In the town / where I was born / there lived a man / who had to pee."
Heres how ours went:

In the town where I was born
Lived a man who drained his hole,
And he told us of his life
In a purple toilet bowl.

We all live in a purple toilet bowl, etc., x2

As we sail the yellow sea
In our purple toilet bowl,
We have found the chunks of brown
In our purple toilet bowl.

(refrain)

Repeat entire thing until you get to your bus stop.
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  #17  
Old 02-17-2006, 09:20 AM
drmark2000 drmark2000 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trillionaire
Milk, milk, lemonade, 'round the corner fudge is made!
Oh, you jogged my memory on this one!

Push the button,
Puuuulllllll the chain,
Out comes chocolate choo choo train!
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  #18  
Old 02-17-2006, 09:24 AM
Nature's Call Nature's Call is offline
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We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty:

(to the tune of "Bridge on the River Kwai")
Hitler - has only got one ball
Donald - has two but they're too small
Dougie - has something simlar
But poor old Steven has no balls at all


We didn't know any WWII evil dudes besides Hitler and Mousellini, so we substituted names from our gang, rotating whomever it was that had no balls at all (presumeably the most insulting).

...and (to the tune of "Whistle While You Work")
Whistle while you work
Hitler was a jerk
Mousellini pulled his weenie
Now it doesn't work
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  #19  
Old 02-17-2006, 09:26 AM
Nature's Call Nature's Call is offline
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Wanna hear a joke?
- I fart, you choke.

Wanna hear another?
- I fart, you smother.


Those were the days.
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  #20  
Old 02-17-2006, 09:39 AM
ddgryphon ddgryphon is offline
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Good lord, I can't believe what this question dredged up:

It has been a LOOONG time for me:

Sung to "My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean"

My mommy lies over the ocean
My daddy lies over the sea
My daddy lies over my mommy
And that's how they created me!


There once was a man from Madrass
Who's balls were made out of brass
He'd bang them together
Amid stormy weather
And Lightning shot out of his ass.

(to which I can only add: "hu-huh, he said ass")

Child one: What were you eating under there?
Child two: Under where?
Child one: Yuck, you ate underwear!


Child one: Would you suck my dick if I washed it?
Child two: No.
Child one: You'd suck my dirty dick?

Say "Roy Rodgers loves his lasso" 10 times as fast as you can. Most will eventually bungle it to "Roy Rodgers loves his asshole"

Where does Batman pee?
In the Bat-room.

That's all that comes to mind immediately -- but I haven't thought of these in actual decades -- well, except for the man from madrass, which I've always found rather cute.
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  #21  
Old 02-17-2006, 09:42 AM
ddgryphon ddgryphon is offline
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OH, another tounge twister:

I'm not a sheet slitter
Nor a sheet slitter's son
But I'll slit the sheets
Till the sheet slitter comes
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  #22  
Old 02-17-2006, 09:42 AM
Susie Derkins Susie Derkins is offline
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My younger brother and sister sang a "Yellow Submarine" parody too, but all I remember is:

We all live in a yellow submarine
A purple lima bean
A fish's ding-a-ling

It used to crack me up when I was a teenager and they were in elementary school, because it just made no sense.

There was one a friend taught me, and again I only remember a piece of it:

He took me to his house (achee-ka)
Laid me on his couch (achee-ka)
He stuck it in easy (achee-ka)
He pulled it out greasy!

God, that's gross.
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  #23  
Old 02-17-2006, 10:07 AM
Nature's Call Nature's Call is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ddgryphon
Child one: Would you suck my dick if I washed it?
Child two: No.
Child one: You'd suck my dirty dick?
Our variant ended with "You dirty cocksucker"

-----
Then there's Inpsector Pussy... One person told a story while everyone listening would chorus the words "Inspector Pussy" at each pause.

He arrived at the scene of the crime... Inspector Pussy
He studied the scene... Inspector Pussy
He crouched over the body... Inspector Pussy
etc.
etc.
He saw she was naked... Inspector Pussy
What should he do?... Inspect her pussy
(ha ha ha)

-----
I'd be remiss to neglect mentioning the old classics:
Pull the edges of your mouth apart with two fingers of each hand. Now say "I was born on a pirate ship." Ha ha ha

Okay, now say "Puck" Ha ha ha ha HA ha ha!

-----

God, I shudder to think my kids are probably discovering many of these gems.
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  #24  
Old 02-17-2006, 10:10 AM
Nature's Call Nature's Call is offline
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What goes in long and hard, and comes out soft, wet, and sticky?
- Bubble gum. What were YOU thinking of?
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  #25  
Old 02-17-2006, 10:14 AM
Nature's Call Nature's Call is offline
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I see Paris
I see France
I see Jason's underpants


Feel free to replace Jason with any name you wish.
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  #26  
Old 02-17-2006, 10:33 AM
cwthree cwthree is online now
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This one has to be said out loud to work:

What's long and hard and full of /si:'men/? (I told you, say it, don't read it)
A submarine.
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  #27  
Old 02-17-2006, 10:53 AM
Clothahump Clothahump is offline
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And don't forget the classic graffiti:

He who writes on outhouse walls
Rolls his shit in little balls.
He who reads these words of wit
Will eat these little balls of shit.


And how about the book titles?

The Yellow River, by I. P. Freely

50 Yard Dash To The Outhouse, by Willy Makeit, illustrated by Bette Dont

Under The Grandstand, by Seymour Butz

The Tiger's Revenge, by Claude Bahls


Ah, good times, good times.
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  #28  
Old 02-17-2006, 12:39 PM
Nature's Call Nature's Call is offline
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"Brown Spots on the Wall" by Hu Flung Pu
"Green Spots on the Wall" by Pickett N. Flickett
"Yellow Spots on the Wall" by I.P. Freely
"White Spots on the Wall" by C. Mann
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  #29  
Old 02-17-2006, 12:53 PM
Trunk Trunk is offline
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<sing-songy>
Cocksucker, motherfucker two-ball bitch.
You can't fuck your mother 'cuz your two-balls itch.


I think a local kid made it up.

cocksucker motherfucker two ball bitch turns up some google hits, but nothing exact.

In high school, I made up a song to the tune of yellow submarine that went,
"We all have venereal disease"

And it was about all the girls in the high school,
"In a land across the sea,
Lived a girl, named Stephanie
<insert dirty lyrics here>."
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  #30  
Old 02-17-2006, 12:59 PM
Hugh Jass Hugh Jass is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature's Call
-----
Then there's Inpsector Pussy... One person told a story while everyone listening would chorus the words "Inspector Pussy" at each pause.

He arrived at the scene of the crime... Inspector Pussy
He studied the scene... Inspector Pussy
He crouched over the body... Inspector Pussy
etc.
etc.
He saw she was naked... Inspector Pussy
What should he do?... Inspect her pussy
(ha ha ha)

We had a lot of these. We used Inspector Tit. Pea Green Soup was my personal favorite.

What did <teacher, another kid> have for breakfast? Pea Green Soup
What did X have for lunch? Pea Green Soup
For dinner...

What did he do all night? Pee Green Soup.
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  #31  
Old 02-17-2006, 01:22 PM
Lionne Lionne is offline
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A kiss is a kiss
A plum is a plum
A kiss is nothing
Without a tongue. (doesn't really rhyme now, does it?)

5 minutes is a pleasure
9 months is a pain
10 hours in the delivery room
Before Johnny came

Johnny's father is a bastard
His mother is a whore
Little Johnny wouldn't be here
If the rubber hadn't tore. (at the time, I had no idea what a rubber was, so I envisioned some weird rubber slingshot type thing keeping a baby inside his mother. )

Miss Susie had a tugboat
The tugboat had a bell
Miss Susie went to heaven
The tugboat went to hello
Operator, give me number 9
If you disconnect me,
I'll chop off your behind
The refrigerator, there was a piece of glass
Miss Susie sat upon it
And cut her little ask
Me no more questions,
Tell me no more lies
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their flies
Are in the meadow
The bees are in their hive....

On and on ad nauseum....
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  #32  
Old 02-17-2006, 01:25 PM
KRC KRC is offline
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We had the "Whore Song" which went:

Walkin' down Canal Street, lookin' for a whore
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Couldn't find a whore!

Finally found a whore, she was tall and thin
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Couldn't get it in!

Finally got it in, swished it all about!
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Couldn't get it out!

Finally got it out, it was red and sore
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Never F-ck a whore!!

My sister once told me she'd beat me up when I threatened to sing the song while we were walking down Canal Street in New York.
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  #33  
Old 02-17-2006, 01:50 PM
HubZilla HubZilla is offline
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I was walking through the park one day
In the merry merry month of May
I looked up a tree and what did I see?
A goddamned (negro) trying to pee on me.
I picked up a rock, through it at his cock
Goddamned (negro) must've jumped a whole block

Funny thing, though, is we didn't really know what a "nigger" was at that age and didn't equate them to black people. We also never never connected the boogie-man with a black man. So naive.

Are you PT?
No. (you're not potty-trained!)
Yes. (you're a pregnant teacher!)

Say "mother may I" and spell CUP.
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  #34  
Old 02-17-2006, 01:56 PM
Larry Mudd Larry Mudd is offline
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Nature's Call, you keep jogging my memory!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature's Call
I see Paris
I see France
I see Jason's underpants
There's a place in France
Where the women wear no pants
and the men don't care
'cause they have no underwear.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature's Call
We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty:
(to the tune of "Bridge on the River Kwai")
Bullshit! That's all the band could play
Bullshit! They played it every day
Bullshit! Dadada bullshit!
Dadada Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
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  #35  
Old 02-17-2006, 02:50 PM
Oy! Oy! is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature's Call
We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty:

(to the tune of "Bridge on the River Kwai")
Hitler - has only got one ball
Donald - has two but they're too small
Dougie - has something simlar
But poor old Steven has no balls at all


We didn't know any WWII evil dudes besides Hitler and Mousellini, so we substituted names from our gang, rotating whomever it was that had no balls at all (presumeably the most insulting).
The way I've heard it:

Hitler has only got one ball.
Goering has two, but very small.
Himmler is rather similar
And Goebals (prounounce it Go-balls for this exercise) has no balls at all.



The rhymes work better with the actual names. But I'm too young to remember too - born in 1956!
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  #36  
Old 02-17-2006, 03:05 PM
Amazon Floozy Goddess Amazon Floozy Goddess is offline
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Old McDonald sittin' on a fence,
Hittin' his knee with a monkey wrench,
Missed his knee and hit his balls,
Pissed all over his overalls,
Went to the doctor, the doctor said,
"Oh my god, your balls are dead!"

There was a second verse, but I can't remember it anymore....
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  #37  
Old 02-17-2006, 06:16 PM
Susie Derkins Susie Derkins is offline
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Ooh, that one reminded me of one my grandmother taught me when I was a kid:

When I was young and had no sense
I took a whiz on an electric fence
It stung my dick and shocked my balls
And made me shit in my overalls
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  #38  
Old 02-17-2006, 06:17 PM
Spoons Spoons is online now
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Wow...haven't thought of some of these in years. Here's my contribution:

Q: Who Discovered Fuzz On Peaches?

A: Peaches' Boyfriend!
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  #39  
Old 02-17-2006, 06:53 PM
racer72 racer72 is offline
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Sung to Clemintine:

In the cabinet, in the bathroom, o'er the sinks whose faucets shine;
stands a funny little bottle and they call it iodine.
Oh you funny, oh you funny, oh you funny iodine;
You don't taste good with a cookie but for booboos your just fine.


Theres a place in France where the alligators dance;
The one couldn't dance so they kicked him in the pants;
The pants next door cost a dollar forty four;
Plus tax.....


Know how to keep an idiot in suspense?
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  #40  
Old 02-17-2006, 07:25 PM
Ferret Herder Ferret Herder is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Mudd
There's a place in France
Where the women wear no pants
and the men don't care
'cause they have no underwear.
I knew it as:
There's a place in France
Where the naked ladies dance
There's a hole in the wall
Where the men can see it all
But the men don't care
Cause they're in their underwear


Yeah, doesn't make much sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HubZilla
We also never never connected the boogie-man with a black man. So naive.
You're shitting me... that's where the term came from?!
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  #41  
Old 02-17-2006, 07:55 PM
Seven Seven is offline
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Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these

Of course its the hand movements which provide the childish giggle factor.
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  #42  
Old 02-17-2006, 09:21 PM
Civil Guy Civil Guy is offline
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Some things stick in the memory; I saw some of these in my mom's yearbook many years ago:

(Chorus to "I've been working on the railroad")
Someone's making love to Dinah,
Someone's making love, I know -
Someone's making love to Dinah,
'cause I don't hear the ol' banjo.

(Sung to "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean")
Last night as I lay on my pillow,
Last night as I lay on my bed,
I stuck both my feet out the window -
Next morning, my neighbors were dead

My breakfast lies over the ocean,
My lunch lies over the rail,
My dinner lies in great commotion,
Won't somebody bring me a pail?


Finally:
(Sung to "Bicycle Built for Two")
John, John, here is my answer true;
I'm not crazy over the likes of you.
If you can't afford a carriage,
Call off the goddamned marriage,
'Cause I'll be damned if I'll be jammed
On a bicycle built for two.


Classics that shouldn't be forgotten.
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  #43  
Old 02-18-2006, 12:11 PM
Butterscotch Butterscotch is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oy!
The way I've heard it:

Hitler has only got one ball.
Goering has two, but very small.
Himmler is rather similar
And Goebals (prounounce it Go-balls for this exercise) has no balls at all.



The rhymes work better with the actual names. But I'm too young to remember too - born in 1956!
I know it as :

Hitler has only got one ball.
The other is in the Albert Hall.
His mother, the dirty bugger,
Cut it o-off when he-e was small.
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  #44  
Old 02-19-2006, 02:18 PM
papataz papataz is offline
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I found this site while looking for a song about He-Man (BTW, it goes [sing to the theme tune]: I have the power/to pick up a flower/it takes me an hour/or two!)

http://www.playgroundlaw.com/

it lists many great examples of such songs.
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  #45  
Old 02-19-2006, 02:41 PM
Ludy Ludy is offline
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Here was one of mt favorites


Sam Sam the lavatory man
Chief inspector of the outhouse can
Toilet paper tissue paper
Paper towel
Listen to the rumble of the human bowel
Down down under the ground
Look at all the floaties just a floaten around
Sam Sam the lavatory man
Picken up the floaties with a little tin can

And then a friend of mine came up with new versions to
"Yesterday"

Leprosy
All my skin is falling off of me
Im not half the man I used to be
Oh how did I get leprosy

Syphilis
It all started with a little kiss
Now it hurts to take a piss
Oh how did I get syphilis
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  #46  
Old 02-19-2006, 06:47 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Ridin' down the highway
Doin' ninety miles an hour
When the chain on my bicycle broke
Landed in a ditch with a peddle up my ass
And my dink playin Dixie with the spokes.


Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to school I go
The teachers look like Frankenstein
The water tastes like turpentine
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho.


Ah, good times.
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  #47  
Old 02-19-2006, 06:47 PM
Dead Cat Dead Cat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2005
"#Uncle Billy had a 10 foot willy and he showed it to the girl next door,
She thought it was a snake, and cut it with a rake, and now it's only 5 foot 4."

"#Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin flew away,
Uncle Billy lost his willy on the motorway, hey!"

"I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's son, and I'm only plucking pheasants, 'til the pheasant plucker comes."
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  #48  
Old 02-19-2006, 07:18 PM
KRC KRC is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2002
This is the story of Molly Brown
Forty men couldn't lay her down!

Over the hill came Pistol Pete
20 pound of pure lean meat

He threw Molly on the grass
Stuck his dick right up her ass!

Then poor Molly let a fart
Which blew his balls ten feet apart

Over the hill went Pistol Pete
20 pounds of shredded meat.
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  #49  
Old 02-20-2006, 12:32 PM
Nature's Call Nature's Call is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Mother Superior calls the 10 sisters in the convent to the common hall - lines'em up. Walking up and down in front of them she begins:

"I have reason to believe a MAN was here last night."
Nine nuns gasp. One nun giggles"Tee hee hee"

"We found THIS condom!"
Nine nuns gasp. One nun giggles "Tee hee hee"

"It has a HOLE in it"
One nun gasps. Nine giggle, "Tee hee hee"
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  #50  
Old 02-20-2006, 01:22 PM
SandyHook SandyHook is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Casey Jones was a son-of-a-bitch
Drove his train into a whore house ditch
Lined a hundred whores against the wall
Bet ten dollars he could fuck them all
Fucked ninty-eight until his balls turned blue
Backed off and jacked off
And fucked the other two.




Rat shit, rat shit
Blueberry pie
Did you ever see a June bug
Jack off a flie?



Awwwww, they don't make them like that anymore.
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