From the imaginary soap “Desserted Passions:”
Tundra Danner: the closet white supremecist teen who had sex with her boyfriend at her grandmother’s wake
Brad Biggers – hunk.
Easter Bishop – loyal black maid who’s worked for the Biggers family for 40 years, as did her mother before her. Dropped out of school as an eighth-grader, but always has plenty of common-sense wisdom to dispense along with her yummy treats. She can cook the newest fancy recipes, but the most heartwarming moments are inevitably played out over a plate of her macaroni & cheese or a few freshly-baked cookies.
Polly Wanacracker: Beak-faced, blue-haired, gnarly-taloned matriarch of the Keebler clan. Polly has buried eight husbands (and only three of them were dead at the time).
Raven Blackwood, a woman who runs a successful boutique and is murdered in mysterious circumstances.
Blade O’Mallory, the stranger from the shores of Eire who shows up in town.
Molly Dunswit. The meek and mild-mannered little woman who doesn’t seem to do anything much except fuss neurotically over trivial crap week in week out, and whose main function seems to be to gossip with people in a manner helpful to rapid plot exposition.
Amazonia Diamond. A nearly 100% silicone femme fatale with a special talent for pussycat pouting towards the lens in slow-motion. Inevitably destined to sleep and drink her way in and out of trouble until the writers get fed up with her and send her over a cliff in a blazing sportscar.
Earl, the handyman and groundskeeper. Suspected of being a serial rapist/killer for nearly a year of episodes. Turns out he’s not guilty of that, but…
Silk Molotov - the beautiful, late 30’s brunette with the mysterious past, who claims to be the heir to Stanislov “Boom” Nitrate, the notorious arms dealer alleged to have supplied the Taliban during the Afghani resistance of the Soviet occupation in the 1980’s.
Beautiful, seductive, she works her way up the ladder of society by, naturally, sleeping with most of the powerful men in the small town of Seaside where she’s been relocated since having entered in the Witness Protection Program after testifying, via video, against the Sicilian Mafia’s rather absurb attempt to corner the market in fresh bluefin tuna exports to Japan.
Her choice of Seaside, however, takes a turn disastrous when Frank “Largemouth” Bass, recovering from an unfortunate incident with a frozen block of halibut, recognizes her at the local hospital as Silk is receiving her monthly Chlamydia check-up.
The Right Reverend Gordon P. Freedkleen - He performed Emma and Steve’s nuptuals, but turned out to really be the defrocked twin brother of Emma’s aunt’s third cousin’s hairdresser’s friend, who looks just like Steve.
Jane O’Doe – The young woman with the Irish brogue who wanders the streets trying to make sense of the little that she remembers: a post office, a tart with a cart, big books of colorful pages…
Beef Wellington- 22 year old heart surgeon and secret Interpol agent on the soap In Sickness and in Health, secretly the son of the show’s former hearthrob neurosurgeon Chad Dangler (played by original cast member Vince Vincennes) by his stepsister, the Supreme Court nominee and newspaper publisher and secret crimeboss/astrophysicist Sue Lakota, a role originated by actress Dominique Van Sant in 1970 but since played by a variety of actresses, each one emerging from a desserted island where Sue was given yet more facial surgery, genetic youthening and once again brainwashed by archvillain Vladimir Sandervaal (played by classically trained actor Reginald Butts) and currently played by Charlotte Boru (who is 23).
Little Suzie Ringletts, the pre-op 6 year old transexual wannabe. Hir birth name was Sven but ever since she was old enough to talk has only answered to the name Susie. Instead of a college fund, her parents, hard working first generation Laotian immigrants, have established a medical savings account so that Sven/Susie may one day have the operation so necessary for the child’s future happiness. Sadly, Susie looks terrible in little girl’s clothing. The plucky little child’s motto is “first the sex change then the plastic surgery.” She goes from door to door selling Girl Scout cookies to finance the hoped for surgery. However, she isn’t a girl scout. She just mugs them and takes their cookies. The police are getting suspicious but the only clue from that the mugged scouts have given them is that they were assaulted by a really ugly chimp in a pink dress. To Susie’s credit, she never steals money from the scouts she mugs, only cookies. She’s not looking for handouts. She is going to earn her way to surgical nirvana.
Let’s also mention Brock Gibraltar, Seaside’s country-club playboy. Doesn’t have a regular job, but is known to have invested a large inheritance very wisely. This keeps him in expensive suits, flashy cars, and constant demand from the eligible young ladies mentioned above. Brock is an accomplished golfer, respected oenophile, and world traveller who has it all.
Or does he? As a result of a one-night stand with Cherie Pitts, a waitress in one of Seaside’s less-reputable waterfront bars, Brock is the father of Cherie’s son Armand. Quiet payments discreetly paid to Cherie keep Brock’s secret safe, although questions are starting to be asked about how Cherie can afford a new car and designer clothes on a waitress’ earnings. Certainly their son “Arm Pitts,” as he is often known (but not to his face) has never wanted for anything, although whether his seemingly inexhaustible supply of cash comes from Brock via Cherie, or from being the only bookie in Seaside Junior High, is unknown.
Buck Mandrake, undercover cop and longtime lover of Seaside General Hospitals Chief of Surgery former teen beauty queen (though that was almost 10 years ago) Larissa Lattimer. When Larissa was kidnapped by enemies of her father (the Grand Duke Anastasio, which she didn’t know) Buck spent an entire summer going from place to place in generic European settings looking for her before finally rescuing her from an underground city built by Vladimir Sandervaal. Exactly how he did this on a Seaside cop’s income and managed to keep his job after abandoning it for three months or who took care of the two motherless kids that he fathered with former castmate/love-extraordinaire Patrice Davidian (who was blown up by Sandervaal’s terrorists, though strangely her body was never found) is unknown.
Speaking of Buck’s children, when he left for Europe his daughter Caitlin Mandrake was 4 years old while her twin brother Mario Mandrake was roughly the same age. Strangely, when they came to meet him at the airport upon his return three months later the twins were both 18 years old. The birth of Caitlin’s daughter Raven (father uncertain until such time as Sue Lakota, who has the copy of the lab results, is rescued from the volcano) was a milestone because with it not only did early 90s heartthrob Buck become a grandfather but Seaside matriarch Polly Wanacracker became a great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother (though people seem strangely oblivious to this and just call her ‘Grandma’, apparently not noticing the odd ‘five years from birth to fertility’ nature of her offspring).
We shouldn’t forget sweet old Edna Carter. A regular attendee at Rev. Freedkleen’s church, Edna volunteers to read to the children who are in hospital, bakes the best goodies for the church bake sale, and always has a cup of tea and plenty of tissues for any of Seaside’s residents who need some sympathy and understanding.
Visiting businessmen also appreciate Edna’s helpful attitude. Stuck in town and lonely, they know, through ads placed in various out-of-town alternative newspapers, that Edna will be more than willing to arrange dates for them with a number of young ladies of her acquaintance.
It was never found, because Patrice was never blown up!
You see, after Sandervaal set the bomb’s timer, he and his terrorists made good their escape, leaving Patrice to the mercy of the bomb. But just before the explosion occurred, Patrice was rescued by a team of mercenaries, led by Lewis “Machine Gun” Ingram. Ingram gave Patrice the option of returning to her life in Seaside, or of going to his compound to train with him and his team for their next contract. Struck by Ingram’s kindness, skill, and rugged good looks (though she could do without the everpresent cigar stub) Patrice opted for the latter, and has proven to be a quick study.
She does plan to return to Seaside someday, though. Once she has gained more skill and practice in stealth techniques, as well as in a few of the more “unusual” methods of neutralizing the enemy, she looks forward to returning and seeing all her old friends again.
Especially Buck Mandrake.
Actually, the young lady placing those ads and meeting the lonely stuck in town businessmen is really Edna’s secretly adopted identical twin sister Elma Gantry. Furious that she was given up at birth, she is working to destroy Edna (the good twin). She doesn’t know that she was secretly stolen at birth by their mother’s OB/GYN Elmer Gantry, who had a secret crush on her mother for years, and was furious when mama came out and arranged for artificial insemination. Dr. Gantry then substituted his sperm for her donors in order to father the child, but only took one twin to avoid suspicion. He left town soon after, presented himself as a successful doctor and a tragic widower raising his daughter, whose mother died in childbirth.
Mama was getting a little on the side, though, and the twins were actually fathered by Buck Mandrake who has enjoyed both his daughter’s company on occasion.
Joe Hayes, a mysterious man with an unusually ordinary name.
I think most of us are tired of these pointless “Name 100 blah blah” threads, and this one is over the top.
It’s not Cafe Society, for one thing, it’s a game. Done. I’m moving it to IMHO.