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  #51  
Old 04-13-2006, 12:11 PM
Paul in Qatar Paul in Qatar is offline
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Wilford Brimley's career did not take off until after the death of Euell Gibbons. Strangely, this fact has never been brought before a grand jury.
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  #52  
Old 04-13-2006, 12:49 PM
lieu lieu is offline
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Many parts of Wilford Brimley are not edible.
  #53  
Old 04-13-2006, 01:04 PM
August West August West is offline
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Several countries have "Attacked by Wilford Brimley" scenarios as key elements of their defense plans.

Wilford Brimley is responsible for global warming, he got tired of wearing sweaters.

Wilford Brimley was the inspiration for Jimi Hendrix's song "Voodoo Chile"

Wilford Brimley's appearance contracts have a clause to guarantee he will be provided with fresh whale milk.
  #54  
Old 04-13-2006, 01:10 PM
Cluricaun Cluricaun is offline
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Wilford Brimley:

-Invented the cartoon “Inspector Gadget” based on real events from his own life.
-Can breathe underwater
-Never wears socks. Never.
-Can put tadpole in mouth, and spit out a fully grown frog.
-Regularly drinks a gallon of olive oil every day.
-When he hiccups, all glass in the immediate area shatters.
-Once lived in a tee-pee made of Steak ‘Ums for 6 months
-Has room in house completely filled with marbles.
  #55  
Old 04-13-2006, 01:18 PM
Sampiro Sampiro is offline
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Wilford Brimley is the only person alive who is specifically mentioned in both Revelations and Shannon Doherty's wikipedia entry.

Wilford Brimley is the father, with the late Nell Carter, of the Wayans Brothers.

Wilford Brimley once fell in a forest without making a sound and as revenge exterminated the passenger pigeons.

Wilford Brimley got his role on Our House by putting out for Dierdre Hall and at least eleven producers in one marathon 40 minute carnalfest. He put his legendary prowess to use again by (to quote his Dick Cavett interview) "tapping every hiney that cast a shadow on the The Battle for Endor set."
  #56  
Old 04-13-2006, 01:52 PM
lightingtool lightingtool is offline
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Wilford Brimley is, in fact, a cleverly disguised kegerator.

It's a little known fact that Wilford Brimley died back in 1977 - Elvis Presley (seeking a calmer life full of folksy wisdom and oatmeal) stepped in to become the Wilford Brimley we all know and love.

Wilford Brimley can draw in perfect 1/4" scale.
  #57  
Old 04-13-2006, 02:38 PM
Mindfield Mindfield is offline
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Wilford Brimley built a large portion of his vast fortune in 1978 when he purchased enough shares to own a controlling interest in Phil Donahue.

In reflecting on his career, Steven Speilberg once said of Wilford Brimley, "I'd be nothing if he didn't spend several months as a surrogate sex partner for my wife while I struggled with a bout of impotency."

Relative to his body size, Wilford Brimley has the largest nipples of any human.

In the original draft of the movie, Wilford Brimley and co-star Maureen Stapleton had a nude sex scene that was later edited out for being "too hot for public consumption."

Wilford Brimley likes to go dancing on the backs of the bruised.

Wilford Brimley can say "cheesesteak" in 263 different languages.

To date, there have been 72 illegitemate children born to Wilford Brimley. Their life energy has nourished him during hard times.

More than 40% of the entries in South Dakota's state motto contest have been "We Love Wilford Brimley!"

Wilford Brimley is capable of drawing more than 16 cubic litres of air into his sphinchter, but lack of muscle control prevents him from rivalling Joseph Pujol.
  #58  
Old 04-13-2006, 03:04 PM
Biffy the Elephant Shrew Biffy the Elephant Shrew is offline
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Having no idea who this Wilford Brimley is (at first I thought it was a thread about Wilfrid Brambell), I did a google image search. Jesus Christ, people! That's my dad!
  #59  
Old 04-13-2006, 03:20 PM
Cluricaun Cluricaun is offline
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Wilfred Brimley is the father of Biffy The Elephant Shrew.
  #60  
Old 04-13-2006, 03:22 PM
Sampiro Sampiro is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Biffy the Elephant Shrew
Jesus Christ, people! That's my dad!
Make that 73, Mindfield.

Wilford Brimley was the original choice to play Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights but he refused to use a prosthesis in the final scene.

Wilford Brimley is the only human visible from space, but it's only when he wants to be seen.

There are cave drawings of Wilford Brimley in the Israeli desert dating back to 11,000 BCE. One reads "The Beast!" in perfect English.
  #61  
Old 04-13-2006, 03:29 PM
AskNott AskNott is offline
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When Wilford Brimley is startled, the ponderous cheeks of his mighty face begin to vibratin', and before he's done, every chipmunk within 500 meters has exploded.

The phrase "fire and brimstone" was badly translated. It was originally "Wilford Brimley's farts."

Wilford Brimley can write the US Constitution on the head of a platypus, with his eyes closed, and without harming the platypus.

If an ordinary human looks through Wilford Brimley's spectacles, he can see the future. The last man to do that is still confined in a padded room at the Betty Ford Clinic.

If Wilford Brimley and three Chinese people were to jump off a chair at the same time, the city of Benton Harbor would sink beneath Lake Michigan forever.
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  #62  
Old 04-13-2006, 03:31 PM
Beadalin Beadalin is offline
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Wilford Brimley hated Burl Ives on sight.

Wilford Brimley received an honorary doctorate from the University of Phoenix.
  #63  
Old 04-13-2006, 03:38 PM
Mindfield Mindfield is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Biffy the Elephant Shrew
Having no idea who this Wilford Brimley is (at first I thought it was a thread about Wilfrid Brambell), I did a google image search. Jesus Christ, people! That's my dad!
Beware, Biffy. The Wilford hungers.
  #64  
Old 04-13-2006, 04:01 PM
Cluricaun Cluricaun is offline
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When Wilford Brimley says you need Liberty Mutual insurance, brother, you need it now.

Wilford Brimley’s only blood relatives (before the 73 illegitimate children that is) were Orville Redenbacher, Colonel Sanders, The Bartles and James guys, and the Pepperridge Farm guy. They were all part of the same litter.
  #65  
Old 04-13-2006, 04:44 PM
kunilou kunilou is offline
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Wilford Brimley was the original choice to play Rob Petrie. However, while filming the opening scene of the first episode, he tripped over the ottoman, broke his back, and was out of action for three months.

Emergency replacement Dick Van Dyke paid homage to "the lucky break" that brought him fame and fortune with the opening sequence in his show.
  #66  
Old 04-13-2006, 05:43 PM
YaWanna YaWanna is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampiro
The untrue thing in my first post incidentally was the Tammy Wynette marriage. All else is true.
Ooh, ooh - I picked that one!

My turn:

Wilford Brimley holds the patent for the Wonderbra.

Wilford Brimley has a rap album.

Wilford Brimley does not have a left nipple.

Wilford Brimley has pictures in his wallet of Della Reese naked.

Wilford Brimley speaks 37 languages, all of them with a lisp.


Ooh, this is fun!
  #67  
Old 04-13-2006, 07:31 PM
August West August West is offline
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This world is not real. We exist only in a dream that Wilford Brimley is having after consuming a mildly poisonous mushroom.

Wilford Brimley destroyed all known photographs of himself as a child and vehemently denies that he was ever younger than 26.

Wilford Brimley hibernates 4 months of the year, but never the same 4 months.

Wilford Brimley secretly took over the U.S. government after the attempted assassination of Reagan. A single 2 minute phone call he placed to the Kremlin is what caused the end of the Soviet empire
  #68  
Old 04-13-2006, 07:56 PM
ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies is offline
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Speaking of W.B. and dreams...

I once had a dream in which I watched W. B. star in a commercial for some sort of spice scented after-shower powder product. He was wiggle-dancing around a bathroom to the annoying commercial jingle half naked with a towel (thankfully) wrapped around his waist.

Swear to Og.

On-topic...

Every time you masturbate while thinking of W.B., God vomits Quaker(tm) Oatmeal ala Witches-of-Eastwick-cherry-pits.
  #69  
Old 04-13-2006, 11:22 PM
the only bunny the only bunny is offline
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Wilford Brimley's I.Q. is 3.1416573927843.

Wilford Brimley once spoon fed Carrot Topp.

Wilford Brimley picks all the raisins out of Raisin Bran.

The moon hoax video had to be redone at great expense when Wilford walked on to the set eating a banana.

Wilford Brimley anagrams into Bride Worm Filly and Flowery Mild Rib.

Wilford Brimley actually performed at Woodstock but before he started to sing, Pete Townsend knocked him off the stage.
  #70  
Old 04-13-2006, 11:54 PM
Sampiro Sampiro is offline
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Wilford Brimley entered Parkland Memorial Hospital on November 22, 1963, walked as if invisible past an army of reporters, secret servicemen, nurses and doctors, touched the body of President Kennedy and said "Irishman... rise!". Kennedy rose from the table good as new, hugged his wife and the doctors and said "It's ah mih-rickle... an absolute mih-rickle... I thought I was a gon-nah!" Brimley smiled and said "Nope, wadn't your time yet..." then looked at his watch, said "It will be though in about 3...2...1" whereupon Brimley pulled out a .38 and shot the president several times in the head at point blank range while the hundreds of people standing nearby strangely noticed nothing. At that point Brimley calmly walked out of the hospital and said "I always wanted to do somethin' like that", walked to the nearest all you can eat waffle shop and after gorging on 84 pecan waffles in heavy syrup walked through a solid brick wall and reappeared in front of thousands of witnesses in Beijing. This is known as "The Brimley Experiment".

Roswell, NM was the site of a spacecraft shot down by Wilford Brimley "cause I didn't like it's shadow".

Wilford Brimley is the man who claims Clay Aiken hooked up with him in a cheap motel for unsafe sex after meeting him online. Brimley was in the guise of a Green Beret at the time, later shifting into a duplicate of Clay Aiken just to freak Aiken out. He said "That boy pissed his pants and hid behind the curtain for hours! I just sat on the bed and watched an HBO' ROME marathon and a couple of episodes of Night Court then went home, sold the story to the Enquirer and gave the money to people with diabeetis and some topless Filipina gals in a bar. Next weekend I'm gonna go out in the guise of a teenaged Mexican day laborer."
  #71  
Old 04-14-2006, 12:45 AM
VegemiteMoose VegemiteMoose is offline
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Wilfred Brimley's gas is passed thru a Sphygmomanometer and becomes Sampiro's posts. It's true.
  #72  
Old 04-28-2006, 09:47 AM
Spiff Spiff is offline
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There is a secret sect of Coptic Christians who worship Wilford Brimley by lip syncing Ethel Merman songs.
  #73  
Old 04-28-2006, 10:48 AM
Sampiro Sampiro is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by August West
Several countries have "Attacked by Wilford Brimley" scenarios as key elements of their defense plans.
In all instances, the plan is "Beg him for merciful terms".

Wilford Brimley is the leading cause of abortions in the United States, Canada and Laos.

The oldest surviving film footage ever made in Siberia was made of Brimley, looking exactly as he does now, dancing naked in the forests flattened during the Tunguska Event.

Wilford Brimley once shot a man just for snoring too loud. The man was Merriwether Lewis of the Lewis & Clark expedition.

When Wilford Brimley walks the streets of Muslim countries the people drop what they are doing, fall to their knees and cry "Madhi! Mahdi!" (or "Muad D'ib! Muad D'ib!"- hard to tell).

Wilford Brimley's was once seen transfigured between Elijah and Moses at his favorite Indian restaurant (THE SITAR in Ft. Walton, FL). Towards the end of the event Brimley punched Moses in the stomach, saying that he owed him money for a 1953 De Soto.

Wilford Brimley's favorite hobby from 1968 through 1984 was following Rosa Parks around on public transportation, jumping onto any seat she was about to take and saying "sorry, you'll have to keep standing!" This led to hate crime legislation.

Wilford Brimley built Macchu Picchu as a real estate investment (it was an early experiment in capitalizing on mountain tourism). When he was evicted from the country during a revolution he returned with his then best bud Francisco Pizarro and said to the Incan leaders "Say hello to my leetle freend!" They did not catch the reference. Brimley still wears a lifesized set of golden hands and forearms from the plunder of the Incan treasure as a necklace.
  #74  
Old 04-28-2006, 11:09 AM
Sampiro Sampiro is offline
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Wilford Brimley was born (most recently) in the wagon of a travelling show going down Highway 41 on a cold and grey Chicago morning that the sun didn't shine and for loving you baby, thus inspiring several great songs on his first day of (his most recent) life.


Though omnilingual, Wilford Brimley's language of choice is the Pakuni dialect from the original Land of the Lost.

Apocalypse Now was based not on Heart of Darkness as often believed but an actual Vietnamese war incident in which Wilford Brimley briefly carved out a fiefdom for himself that comprised most of what are now Cambodia and western Vietnam. When 90,000 troops who went in after him were never seen again (and disappeared from the records of the U.S. military) Nixon authorized a nuclear missile to take him out. The missile was dropped and simply vanished into thin air. That night Nixon crawled into bed, noticed something metallic, pulled back the cover and screamed- the missile was in his bed, filled not with radioactive materials but with Quaker Oats (a jab at Nixon's Quaker heritage and Brimley's future employer) and three hours of film footage of Brimley having sex with both of Nixon's daughters. Nixon immediately ordered the Washington Post to fake the exposure of a coverup so that he could resign the White House without having to admit what had happened.

Wilford Brimley's navel can hold and power a 100 watt light bulb.
  #75  
Old 04-28-2006, 11:58 AM
Cluricaun Cluricaun is offline
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Strands from Wilford Brimley’s mustache were used in the construction of 2 rifle scope cross hairs, and the scopes themselves were in turn attached to two ordinary broomsticks. Simply sighting through the scope at someone will cause them to turn completely inside out, instantaneously, at a distance of over a half mile. Both of these weapons are stored in a lead lined vault under the pentagon.

There is an ancient lost style of kung fu known only to a few aged Shaolin monks known as “恼怒的髭”, or “Angry Mustache”. It’s thought to have originated when an unarmed Wilford Brimley assisted the Kokes Manchus in the fall of the Ming Dynasty.
  #76  
Old 04-28-2006, 12:15 PM
YaWanna YaWanna is offline
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Wilford Brimley ate my sister.

Wilford Brimley always leaves a tip of $4.31, no matter what the meal cost or how the service was.

Wilford Brimley can recite the entire script of every movie he's ever been in, backwards.

Wilford Brimley cannot digest eggs.

Both of Wilford Brimley's testicles are exactly the same size.
  #77  
Old 04-28-2006, 01:22 PM
The Unkempt One The Unkempt One is offline
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Wilford Brimley contains the world's 4th largest silver mine, which was accidentally discovered during a routine prostate exam.

Wilford Brimley is no longer allowed entry into South Korea, for several reasons.

Wilford Brimley can breed only once every seventeen years, but when he does breed it lasts for seven days and he ejaculates approximately one gallon of semen per hour during the breeding week.
  #78  
Old 04-28-2006, 02:34 PM
Mindfield Mindfield is offline
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Wilford Brimley's name is mentioned sixty-seven times in the Kyoto Accord, but in order to protect his privacy he is referred to as "sir lemon drop" within the text.

Wilford Brimley is the originator of the crunk movement and cites Clarence Carter as his greatest musical influence.

Wilford Brimley's wallet contains a nude picture of David Hasselhoff.

For several years, Cinco de Mayo was immediately followed by a second day of more significant drunken debauchery known as Seises de Brimley. The activity was discontinued when Wilford took all of the fun out of it by drinking more than everyone combined and, instead of becoming incredibly drunk, merely becoming incredibly depressing by singing Oh Danny Boy over and over.

Wilford Brimley was born with a prehensile tail, and for years was regarded as the definitive link between man and his simian ancestry. Unfortunately, the Piltdown Man stole his thunder and he was never able to get it back no matter how much he wagged it.

Regardless of the restaurant he patronizes, Wilford Brimley orders every meal in Esperanto.

To the Hoopi Indians, the words Wilford Brimley were once considered the worst insult imaginable, punishable by having one's head lodged in a buffalo's sphinchter for a week.

During his stint as spokeman for Quaker Oatmeal, Kraft Foods attempted to woo him away from the cereal giant by offering to rename one of their products "Cream of Wilford Brimley." They had gone as far as storyboarding a potential ad spot that featured Wilford promoting the cereal with the new slogan, "Eat me." Wilford declined, stating that he just didn't feel his audience would think him creamy enough.

Wilford Brimley auditioned for and was originally cast in the role of Thomas Magnum on TV's Magnum P.I. but was cut shortly before the pilot was to begin filming when it was learned that his mustache frightened Higgins' Doberman Pincers.
  #79  
Old 04-28-2006, 03:28 PM
Cluricaun Cluricaun is offline
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The letters in Wilford Brimley's name can be rearranged to spell: Rid bowel firmly.
  #80  
Old 04-28-2006, 07:51 PM
sinjin sinjin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kunilou
Wilford Brimley isn't his real name. It's really Ashley Quincy Featherstone IV. And he's a second cousin to Queen Elizabeth.
And his name is pronounced Ashwin Fearston.
  #81  
Old 04-30-2006, 02:39 PM
Capt. Ever Rambling Capt. Ever Rambling is offline
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Factoids: Brimley, W

Brimley served three tours in Vietnam, one of them offically and one of them possibly as USO showgirl.

It is best to make a noise such as a cough or sneeze when approachig him from the left side to avoid startleing him.

His Liberty Mutaul policy is a paltery 15,000$ limit due to his diabetyes and is part of a total paid cmpensation package, is non negotiable not subject to accuable interests and his payments will not go up or down.

Lost original job of Ronald McDonald to Wilard Scott , the Iconic Today Show weatherman.

Was Pres. Taft's press secretary.


Scientists speculate if he lives to age 92 may be able to live forever, but paying his retirement benifits would cause economic collapse by 2018.
  #82  
Old 04-30-2006, 08:36 PM
Sunspace Sunspace is offline
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Wilford Brimley is not a member of the AARP, and, in fact, cannot qualify for such membership.

Wilford Brimley was ejected from the Universal Esperanto Association for ordering too many meals at the Association cafeteria, but not paying for them.

Three species of beetles and one asteroid have been named after Wilford Brimley.

Ford once named a special edition of the F-150 after Wilford Brimley. It was right-hand drive and was sold only in Australia, where it was a flop.
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  #83  
Old 04-30-2006, 08:59 PM
Kythereia Kythereia is offline
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Wilford Brimley is the walrus.
  #84  
Old 04-30-2006, 09:36 PM
Cluricaun Cluricaun is offline
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In 1978, Wilford Brimley visited the National Zoo in Washington DC and stopped in front of the panda enclosure. Bowing his head for a moment he looked up after several deep breaths and clapped his hands, softly, just once. Immediately the pandas fell upon one another in a mindless display of frenzied mating. Hours later, one of the panda's dropped dead of exhaustion. Reached later for a comment, Wilford said "Yeah, it figures."
  #85  
Old 04-30-2006, 10:10 PM
MacTech MacTech is offline
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Wilford Brimley is actually a species of Sentient Oatmeal Creature

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Wilford Brimley

Wilford Brimley is made entirely of antimatter, it is only his innate magnetic field that prevents him from annihilating the entire planet

Wilford Brimley invented the comma

We are all figments of Wilford Brimley's imagination

Wilford Brimley has 42 alternate personalities, all of which are Wilford Brimley

Wilford Brimley's middle name is "Bending" "Wilford "Bending" Brimley

the only thing known to repel Wilford Brimley is NummymuffinCoolcoolbutter

Wilford Brimley must feed on the blood of vampires to survive
  #86  
Old 05-01-2006, 10:55 AM
Mindfield Mindfield is offline
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The state flag of North Wilford Brimley is a wheat stalk surrounded by pumpkins on a lavender background.

Wilford Brimley refers to himself only in the third person, and to everyone else in the first.

Wilford Brimley was arrested in Baltimore, MD for indecent exposure in 1997. By way of explanation, Wilford claimed that his cats had colluded to control his mind in order to publicly humiliate him in retaliation for not cleaning their litter box the night before. The authorities were unable to prove otherwise, and did find a full litterbox in his home, so the charges were dropped.

Wilford Brimley posed for a six-page spread in a 1977 issue of Playgirl Magazine.

Wilford Brimley is only 100 calories per 200g serving and contains no trans-fats, but he refuses to be served with anything but sweet potato pie and chitlins.

Wilford Brimley provides his own described video narration, even when in person.

During a drug scare in 1986, US congress passed a bill that made Wilford Brimley a controlled substance, but quickly repealed the law when it was discovered that he simply had an innate ability to chill people out.

A prize fight was scheduled in 2003 pitting Wilford Brimley against Lennox Lewis. Lewis ultimately cancelled, remarking "Dude got an impenetrable mustache, man! How you expect me to fight that?"

Primatologist Jane Goodall was initially attracted to her craft after extensively studying Wilford Brimley. She was unable to draw any conclusions as to his behaviour or mannerisms, and shifted her focus to apes as a result. "At least they make sense," she once said.

Wilford Brimley has discovered ten of the eleven herbs and spices in the Colonel's secret recipe. His attempts to discover the final piece of the puzzle have thus far been met with armed hostility by Navy SEALs, ninjas, and an army of Colonel Sanders' genetic clones. Brimley claims he can deal with the SEALs and the ninjas, but the clone army has him at an impasse. For now...
  #87  
Old 05-01-2006, 11:18 AM
Tuckerfan Tuckerfan is offline
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He's got a rather "interesting" video for sale. (Scroll down the thread a bit.)
  #88  
Old 05-01-2006, 03:35 PM
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The dark is afraid of Wilford Brimley.

4 out of 5 dentists agree that Wilford Brimley is the messiah. You don't want to know what happened to the fifth dentist.

Wilford Brimley feels no remorse and has no regrets.

When Santa Claus suffered a triple bypass he asked Wilford Brimley to fill in for him. Wilford refused, because he hates all the children of the world. It was still the best Christmas ever.

Isaac Parker sentenced Wilford Brimley "To be hanged from the neck until he gets bored". He wasn't bored for 7 and one half weeks.

Wilford Brimley only lets one man trim his moustache. That man? Jimmy Hoffa.

Wilford Brimley invented the BLT. He no longer eats them because of concerns over his cholesterol. The effect this has had on pork futures is immeasurable.

Wilford Brimley wakes every morning with a song in his heart. He dare not sing it lest he end all life on earth.

Wilford Brimley insists he's a peaceful man, and will kill anyone who says differently.

Wilford Brimley made the Lambada the forbidden dance.

There is no justice in the world. Only Wilford Brimley.
  #89  
Old 05-01-2006, 09:12 PM
SSG Schwartz SSG Schwartz is offline
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Wilford Brimley was so pleased to be chosen as the Grape-Nuts spokesperson, that he has dyed his testicles purple.

Wlford Brimley invented anesthesia. He used to beat hospital patients senseless as a hobby.

Wilford Brimley starred in a 2004 adult film with Estelle Getty. The UN, fearing a world wide population explosion related to the steaminess of the film, bought all copies and it has never been shown anywhere.

Sgt Schwartz
  #90  
Old 05-01-2006, 10:38 PM
elelle elelle is offline
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Wilford Brimley was Einstein's last living hair stylist.
  #91  
Old 05-02-2006, 11:11 AM
Cluricaun Cluricaun is offline
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While lots of people are familiar with Oysters Rockefeller, not so many know of the delicacy known as Oysters Brimley. Created in an old New Orleans dive after Wilford ordered them, they are a rare treat indeed. They consist of 3 dozen raw oysters, unshucked, still dripping with sea water. The whole oyster is shoved in the mouth and crushed about by the teeth. As a garnish, you then drink a pint glass filled to the brim with hot microwaved gin, and Quaker brand instant Maple Brown Sugar oatmeal. The whole ritual is repeated for each oyster. Wilford Brimley was known to consume upwards of 4 or more orders at a sitting, before retiring to the bathroom to pass out in a sopping wet mess. Not to be missed by any serious gourmand.
  #92  
Old 05-02-2006, 12:21 PM
Tripler Tripler is offline
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Wilford Brimley once liberated a POW encampment of Chang Kai-Shek loyalists from Mao's Red forces. In retribution, he gave Mao that haircut.

During the Cold War, the Soviets had the hydrogen bomb. We had Wilford Brimley.

Whales don't sing. They praise Wilford Brimley.

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This one time at band camp? There was Wilford Brimley.
  #93  
Old 05-07-2006, 06:07 PM
Hostile Dialect Hostile Dialect is offline
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Wilford Brimley is a homicidal killer who also lies about his blood sugar levels.

The customs laws of Saudi Arabia prohibit the import of any item or person that has ever been touched or looked at by Wilford Brimley. This is for the Saudi peoples' protection.
  #94  
Old 05-07-2006, 06:16 PM
Sampiro Sampiro is offline
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For more than 25 years it was said by conspiracy theorists and the relatives of the victims alike that the transcripts of the Jonestown Massacre (the transcription of the tape recorded last hours) were heavily edited. Much of this centered around the enigmatic references to removing "Dwyer" from the compound, a man identified by some as a CIA operative with a major role in developing the Jonestown encampment to be as much a CIA facility as cult compound and the real reason that Congressman Leo Ryan was killed (again, according to conspiracists).

Finally, after hundreds of lawsuits and ACLU and other agencies filing claims under the Freedom of Information Act and the influence of then president Jimmy Carter and George Bush, Sr. (former head of CIA operations), the actual unedited transcripts have finally been released. They do not show CIA involvement, but nevertheless they're more horrifying than anybody would have thought.
  #95  
Old 05-07-2006, 06:39 PM
Sampiro Sampiro is offline
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THE UNEDITED JONESTOWN MASSACRE TRANSCRIPTS

JIM JONES: How very much I've tried my best to give you a good life. But in spite of all of my trying a handful of our people, with their lies, have made our lives impossible. There's no way to detach ourselves from what's happened today.

WILFORD BRIMLEY: Yep, moved their asses to a jungle and locked you in boxes. Can't say he didn't try. Bunch of nutlogs. Anybody seen my English to Siamese dictionary?

JIM JONES:Anybody. Anyone. Anyone that has any dissenting opinion, please speak. Yes. (Inaudible.) You can have an opportunity, but if the children are left, we're going to have them butchered.

CHRISTINE MILLER: Is it too late for Russia?

JONES:
Here's why it's too late for Russia. They killed. They started to kill. That's why it makes it too late for Russia. Otherwise I'd say, yes, sir, you bet your life. But it's too late. ...

MILLER: Well, I say let's make an airlift to Russia. That's what I say. I don't think nothing is impossible if you believe it.

JONES: How are we going to do that? How are you going to airlift to Russia?

BRIMLEY: Hell, that Russian airplane food would kill ya more painfully than this Flavor Aid. Hell, I remember one time I was flying in to Novgorod and

MILLER:
Shut up Mr. Wilford! Well, I thought they said if we got in an emergency, they gave you a code to let them know.

JONES: Christine; it's not--it's just not worth living like this. Not worth living like this. (Applause.)

MILLER: I think that there were too few who left for twelve hundred people to give them their lives for those people that left.

JONES: Do you know how many left?

MILLER: Oh, twenty-odd. That's a small ...

JONES: Twenty-odd, twenty-odd.

BRIMLEY: Odd… you sure hell got that part right. Oddest damned folks I ever seen. Hurry up with that Kool Aid I'm sweatin'!

JONES: … That plane'll come out of the air. There's no way you can fly a plane without a pilot.

BRIMLEY: Well, maybe 'member you can always use that seat for a flotation device. Now I remember I was with Howard Hughes flying over the Utah desert…

MILLER: I wasn't speaking about that plane. I was speaking about a plane for us to go to Russia.

BRIMLEY:…told him 'I thought 'YOU' had your June '65 urine jars…

JONES: How ... to Russia ? Russia's not gonna want us with all this stigma? We had some value, but now we don't have any value.

BRIMLEY: and we sure as hell don't have room for Ava Gardner and her damn poodle…

MILLER: Well, I don't see it like that. I mean, I feel like that--as long as there's life, there's hope. That's my faith.

BRIMLEY:…and never found out they was all filled with Tang!

JONES: I have twelve hundred people's lives in my hands…

BRIMLEY: (singing) He's got 1200 people's lives, in his hands, he's got 1200 people's lives, in his hand, he's got 1200 people's lives in his hands. Everybody! If one of them people should drink poisoned Kool Aid and die in this land, he'd have eleven hundred and ninety nine people's lives in his hands. Something's wrong with this damned song… and it's stuck in my head now anyway!

JONES: and I certainly don't want your life in my hands. I'm going to tell you, Christine, without me, life has no meaning. (Applause.) I'm the best thing you'll ever have.

MILLER: When you--when you--when we destroy ourselves, we're defeated. We let them, the enemies, defeat us.

JONES: Did you see--did you see, "I will fight no more forever?" http://imdb.com/title/tt0073138/

MILLER: Yes, I saw that.

BRIMLEY: So did I, but you wanna see a good Injun movie, check out that LITTLE BIG MAN. That was one hell of a picture…

JONES: Did you not have some sense of pride and victory in that man?

BRIMLEY: I loved me that Chief Dan George, and he was funny as hell in Harry and Tonto up there with old Ed Norton from the Gleason show.

MILLER: Well I think where they made their mistake is when they stopped to rest. If they had gone on they would've made it. But they stopped to rest.

BRIMLEY: My mama used to say, why didn't the dog catch the monkey? Cause he had to stop and shit! Heh heh… speakin' of, you fixin' to use that cyanide bucket for anything? Good, I'm gonna take it over here into these whatever the hell they are vines. I hope that Kool-Aid's ready when I come back.

[LONG BRIMLEY FREE SECTION]

BRIMLEY: I'm back. That wadn't a loaf I dropped, that was a damned wheat field, heh heh.. Kool-Aid ready?

JONES: All of you, Lay down your burden. I'm gonna lay down my burden. Down by the riverside.

BRIMLEY: (singing)"…down by the riverside, down by the riverside, gonna lay down my…' Rev, you're getting these songs stuck in my head on purpose!

JONES: … But when they start parachuting out of the air, they'll shoot some of our innocent babies. I'm not lying--I don't wanna (inaudible). But ... I'm not letting them take your child. Can you let them take your child?

BRIMLEY: Alright, what'd I miss?

VOICES: No, no, no, no.

JONES: I want to see (voices shouting) ... please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please…

BRIMLEY: (singing) Please please me, whoa yeah, like I please you. Goddamn it Rev, stop that! Gettin' these things stuck in my head. Ever tell you 'bout the time I opened for the Beatles?

JONES:Who walked out of here today? ...there's no point to this. We are born before our time…

BRIMLEY: Just like that Enik, that turtle-looking fellow, whatever he was, on that show with the talking monkeys and the dinosaurs and that girl reminds me of a little Ellie Mae…

]ONES: Say. Say. Say peace. Say Peace. Say Peace. Say Peace…

BRIMLEY: Say, say, say, what you like but don't play games with my affection… Oh alright, you are so doin' this on purpose!

WOMAN 7: Some of the others who endure long enough in a safe place could write about the goodness of Jim Jones.

JONES: I don't know how in the world they're ever going to write about us. It's just too late. It's too late. The congressman's dead. The congressman lays dead. Many of our traitors are dead. They're all layin' out there dead. (Inaudible.)

JONES: I didn't, but my people did. My people did. They're my people, and they've been provoked too much. They've been provoked too much. What's happened here's been since Tuesday's been an act of provocation.

WOMAN 9: Thank you for everything. You are the only. You are the only. And I appreciate you. (Applause.)

JONES: Please, can we hasten? Can we hasten with that medication? You don't know what you've done. I tried. (Applause, music, singing.) They saw it happen and ran into the bush and dropped the machine guns. I never in my life. 22 But not any more. But we've got to move. Are you gonna get that medication here? You've got to move. Marceline,23 about forty minutes.



]ONES: (Inaudible.) It's the only way to step. That choice is not ours now. It's out of our hands. (Children crying in the background.)

[large Brimley Free Section]

JONES: Death is--I tell you, I don't care how many screams you hear. I don't care how many anguished cries. Death is a million times preferable to ten more days of this life.

BRIMLEY: Well, if the heat breaks it'll be okay. And they're having Bingo and a movie night over in the mission in the town tonight.

JONES: If you knew what was ahead of you--if you knew what was ahead of you, you'd be glad to be stepping over tonight.

BRIMLEY: Well I'm probably one up on y'all since I can remember the future as well as the past, but for me it ain't that bad. Couple of TV shows, some big roles in big movies, endorsement deal. Y'all are gonna miss New Coke but don't worry about that. I'd rather have this here Alpaca Piss Flavor Aid with the Cy'nide in it. .

JONES: No, no sorrow--that it's all over. I'm glad it's over. Hurry, hurry my children. Hurry. All I think (inaudible) from the hands of the enemy. Hurry, my children. Hurry. There are seniors out here that I'm concerned about. Hurry. I don't want to leave my seniors to this mess. Only quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly.... Good knowing you. --------

JONES: Remember the Oliver woman said she--she'd come over and kill me if her son wouldn't stop her? These, these are the people--the peddlers of hate.

BRIMLEY: That reminds me, stop me if you heard this one… there's this travellin' peddler going through Iowa, stops at this farmhouse, man has eight daughters…[Inaudible] …says 'don't stop til it gets two gallons!'

JONES: (Clapping-- not applause.) Stop this, stop this, stop this. Stop this crying, all of you.

BRIMLEY: Can't blame 'em for laughing til they cry! It was a good joke! 'Don't stop til it gets two gallons!'

JONES: All they do is taking a drink. They take it to go to sleep. That's what death is, sleep.

BRIMLEY: Yeah, but the next day you got worse morning breath than usual. Heh heh heh! Y'all hear what I just said?

JONES: Where's the vat, the vat, the vat? Where's the vat with the Green C on it? The vat with the Green C in. Bring it so the adults can begin.

BRIMLEY: Don't look at me, I thought you had it! Shit Jim, this here's a tiny compound in a jungle, how many places can you put it a vat with a big Green C. There it is!

WOMAN 16: Go on unto the sing, and thank you Dad.

BRIMLEY: Hell, that didn't even make good nonsense, Woman 16. Hurry up with that Kool-Aid, I'm thirsty. I sure hope it's Mountain Berry.

JONES: (Inaudible .) ... They set an example for others. We said --one thousand people who said, we don't like the way the world is.

VOICE: Take some.

BRIMLEY: Don't mind if I do…

JONES: Take our life from us. We laid it down. We got tired.

BRIMLEY: (spewing sounds) What is this stuff? Alpaca piss? This stuff ain't Kool-Aid it's Flavor-Aid! Dammit Daddy Jimbo, I know for a fact you've got about $9 million just buried under your bed in garbage bags, you couldn't spring the extra six cents for Kool-Aid!?

JONES: Take our life from us. We laid it down. We got tired. We didn't commit suicide, we committed an act of revolutionary suicide protesting the conditions of an inhumane world.

WB: Well, suicide, revolutionary suicide, potato potahto really. [singing] You say potayta and I say potahta/you say tomayter and I say tomahta…

JONES: The members of the Peoples Temple were not the only ones with this ambiguous nature. The Concerned Relatives who sought to destroy the organization used some of the very methods of propaganda that they criticized the Peoples Temple for…

BRIMLEY: Hell. Now I got that damned song stuck in my head.

JONES: They were worried and at a loss as to why their family members would join such a group. They were willing to step beyond the law if necessary to rescue their loved ones who must have been brainwashed. It seems possible that the love the Concerned Relatives had for their families may have clouded their judgment and would not allow for the possibility

BRIMLEY: I gotta say, even though it's Flavor-Aid and filled with cyanide, put a little pack of Sweet'n'Low in it and it's still better than Crystal Lite. Not so bad if you get used to it- barkeep, a refill. This time don't be so stingy with the cyanide.


JONES: No. You're not going. You're not going. You're not going. I can't live that way. I cannot live that way. I've lived with--for all. I'll die for all. (Applause.)

BRIMLEY: Gives it a sort of almondy flavor. Ain't it funny how cyanide just don't work on some folks? Me and my buddy Greg Rasputin used to play this shooter game for money back when we was sophomores at Tunguska Community College, get these freshmen to come in and..[inaudible]

JONES: And the Eskimos, they take death in their stride.

BRIMLEY: Hell, if my woman used walrus fat for a douche I'd take death in stride too! I remember this Eskimo gal Regis Philbin and me was doin' one time… [inaudible]

JONES: Adults, adults, adults. I call on you to stop this nonsense…

BRIMLEY: That's exactly what she said! We just gave her the six dollars and left!

[ANOTHER LONG SECTION WITH JUST JONES AND VARIOUS FOLLOWERS, THEN...]

BRIMLEY: Damn, some folks can't hold their cy'nide can they? Gimme some more Kool Aid- sorry, Flavor Aid there shug. That reminds me, y'all ever look at that TV show GOOD TIMES where JJ says he likes Kool Aid & Grits casserole! That tickled me. Like when he said Dynamite.

JONES: I, with respect, die with a degree of dignity.

BRIMLEY: Oh damn is he still blatherin' on...

JONES: Lay down your life with dignity. Don't lay down with tears and agony. There's nothing to death. It's like Mac said, it's just stepping over to another plane. Don't be this way.

BRIMLEY: Wonder how that would taste. Hey, anybody got any grits? Should be in the big vat with a big green G. That's a G. Like in grits.

[UNKNOWN VOICE with Southern accent]I hear somebody say something about a Kool-Aid grits casserole? Man, I ain't had one of them since I left Memphis…

JONES: Get Dwyer out of here before something happens to him.

BRIMLEY: Goddamn it Elvis! I mean, Dwyer! Get your hillbilly ass back in that hut or you're fixing to be as dead as you want folks to think you are!
  #96  
Old 05-07-2006, 06:40 PM
Sampiro Sampiro is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2002
(CONT'D)

JONES: Dwyer. I'm not talking about Ujara. I said Dwyer.

BRIMLEY: Hell, Jimbo's making even less sense than usual. Reverend Jimboy! Ujara was on that Star Trek show, good lookin' black woman, made out with the captain that time!

JONES:I'm not lettin' em take Ujara. It's easy, it's easy... (Inaudible.)

BRIMLEY: Ujara's at a damned Star Trek convention or something, quit talking like a fool. I need another Sweet'n'Low.

"DWYER": Well that Ujara was one good lookin' woman. Wore that red miniskirt came up almost to her…

BRIMLEY: Damn it Elvis… I mean Dwyer, get the hell back in that hut! One black haired sunglass wearing pill popping pussyhound hillbilly Holyroller talking like a fool at a time is enough!

"DWYER": Well I'm tired of settin' round that little cabin all day, not even any shag carpeting on the ceiling. I want some of that Kool Aid and Grits casserole! Hey, who here wants to earn a quick Cadillac? First person brings me some casserole and peanut butter and a piece of chicken covered in some fig jelly and chili gets one!

WOMAN 5: It just broke my heart completely. All of this year the white people had been with us, and they're not a part of us. So we might as well end it now because I don't see ...

"DWYER": Hey darlin', if you're talkin' bout me I want you to know I never said that damned thang about buyin' my records and shinin' my shoes, that's something…

BRIMLEY: Presley! Dwyer! Yeah, uh…Presley Aaron Dwyer.. Jr…. I'm talking to you! Get your fat sweaty rhinestone jumpsuit covered hillbilly ass back in that hut or I'll call up Colonel Tom and tell him where you are and he'll be here 'fore I hang up the damned phone!

]ONES: Say. Say. Say peace. Say Peace. Say Peace. Say Peace…

BRIMLEY: Say say say what you want but don't play games with my affection…' You are so totally doing this shit on purpose Daddy Jimbo! Now don't say you aren't!

WOMAN 4: Everybody be quiet, please.

BRIMLEY: Shut up woman! I want your opinion I'll give it to you…

JONES: They know. ( Groan.) I tried so very, very hard. They're trying over here to see what's going to happen (inaudible). Who is it? (Voices)

JONES: They followed us six thousand miles away. Red Brigade showed them justice. The congressman's dead. (Music only.)

BRIMLEY: Came back from the runway and they said/The Congressman is up there dead/Look what a mess Daddy Jim has made/And it was all due… to the Red Brigade!' Heh heh…you're baiting me Jimbo! At least it chased that potayto potahto song out…

JONES: Let's make our peace. And those who had a right to go, and they had a right to--How many are dead? Aw, God Almighty, God. Huh? Patty Parks is dead?

JONES: The world (inaudible) suffers violence, and the violent shall take it by force. If we can't live in peace, then let's die in peace. (Applause.) We've been so betrayed. We have been so terribly betrayed. (Music) But we've tried and as (inaudible) ... if this only works one day it was worthwhile. (Applause.) Thank you. (Applause)

BRIMLEY: Does that nutlog think folks don't see him hitting the button on that recorded applause machine? Hell I brought him that thing myself. Stole it out of the sound studio from the Groucho Marx Betcha Life radio show.

JONES: What's with being so bewildered with many, many pressures on my brain, seeing all these people behave so treasonous--there was too much for me to put together, but I now know what he was telling me. And it'll happen. If the plane gets in the air even. 2

BRIMLEY: Were you here the other day when he was blathering on about how when the Congressman came here he wasn't gonna let him go back and spread lies so the president could send mercenaries to bayonet the babies and then he hit the wrong button and got the laugh track instead of the applause? I thought I was gonna laugh my ass off, only I wasn't canned laughter!

JONES: So my opinion is that you be kind to children and be kind to seniors and take the potion like they used to take in ancient Greece and step over quietly because we are not committing suicide; it's a revolutionary act. We can't go back; they won't leave us alone. They're now going back to tell more lies, which means more congressmen. And there's no way, no way we can survive. We cannot survive.

BRIMLEY: At first I was afraid/I was petrified/kept thinkin' I can never live/with Flavor Aid cyanide…" Jimbo Jonesy boy you are killin' me by puttin' these songs in my head! You're a crazy drugged up power mad sumbitch, but you are fun!

BRIMLEY: How very much I've tried my best to give you a good life. But in spite of all of my trying a handful of our people, with their lies, have made our lives impossible. There's no way to detach ourselves from what's happened today…

BRIMLEY: You know if I was you, I'd lay them dyin' bodies out by size, big ones on the little ones, but here's the important part…

JONES: Cross to the other side of the river, and we'll meet in Zion, we'll see each other on the other side…

BRIMLEY: and I ain't telling you your bidness, but if you was to put 'em east west that's what a Chinee man I worked with called fung shuey for happiness and prosperity and

JONES: Make him shut up… I can't take it any more…

BRIMLEY: God knows you need some of that fung shuey around here even if it is heathen Chinee! And..

JONES: My God I'm having a moment of clarity… what the fuck have I done? He finally drove me totally crazy! Somebody kill Brimley before it's too late! SOMEBODY KILL BRIMLEY! SOMEBODY KILL MOTHERFUCKING BRIMLEY! HE'S THE DEVIL!

BRIMLEY: Hey! Hey! Now I'll put up with a lot. I come here and I sweat like a whore at prayer meetin' in this jungle and can't sleep for all the mosquitoes and jungle birds and hearing people tortured and shit, but I didn't whine! You wanna go around leading your followers around the world and brainwashing 'em and torturing 'em and robbin' 'em blind and tellin' 'em you're Jesus and having them all commit suicide with a bunch of goddamned BIG LOTS knock off Kool-Aid ain't even Mountain Berry and killin' a United States Congressman well that's all your right as an American, you got freedom of religion, but one thing I will not put up with on my vacation is a damned potty mouth pill popping preacher!


[GUNSHOT- SOUND OF HEAD HITTING BOX- SOUND OF "My name is Captain Spalding" theme playing]


"DWYER": What the hell's goin' on out here? What's all these dead bodies?


BRIMLEY: I told you to g… well, reckon ain't no problem if anybody sees you now. Hey, geurilla boy! You missed some over there in those bushes... there they go...

[shooting sounds]

Dope head but not a bad sight. Might as well stay outside, Mr.... Dwyer... heh heh.

DWYER: Hey look here, some Kool Aid…

BRIMLEY: Don't drink that. It's loaded with cyanide and it's Flavor Aid.

DWYER: Flavor Aid? He's a cheap ass holyroller isn't he? I wouldn't give that piss to my grandmama's cat!

BRIMLEY: Well, help me look through these bodies for a pack of Sweet'n'Low… (sings) say say say what you like but don't play games with my affect… is that holy roller son of a bitch recording this? Hell, you take this one El... Dwyer. That box ain't much littler than a TV set...

[GUNSHOT- END OF TAPE]
  #97  
Old 05-07-2006, 10:03 PM
elelle elelle is offline
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Join Date: Oct 1999
Sampiro, that was just amazingly brilliant: the juxtaposition of Wilford and Jim Jones is unimaginable except in your versatile imagination.

A liitle known fact; Wilford Brimley has a clause in his will that leaves his beloved mustache to one "Sampiro", to be plucked hair by hair to create a stylus that said party will then write his first book, in longhand. Brimley, with his folksey style, left this crusty message upon passing to "Sampiro": "Check my mustache, and check it often."
  #98  
Old 05-07-2006, 10:29 PM
Sunspace Sunspace is offline
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Location: Near the GT eeehhhh...
Posts: 27,207
Sampiro, I bow to you.
  #99  
Old 05-08-2006, 08:40 AM
Cluricaun Cluricaun is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2003
………Wow……..I submit. This thread can die off now, there’s no way anybody can come close to touching that. Pure genius, Sampiro!
  #100  
Old 05-08-2006, 10:10 AM
Tripler Tripler is offline
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Join Date: May 2000
Location: JSOTF SDMB, OL-LANL
Posts: 6,921
Sweet Jesus! I damn near choked on my oatmeal reading that!

Sampiro, I humbly bow to you.

Tripler
I'm going to call Liberty Medical, to see if they have any prostration mats.
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