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  #1  
Old 07-15-2006, 01:32 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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Funeral Protocol with Ex-spouses

I realize this is a completely different situation and I didn't want to totally hijack the HarmoniousDiscordthread, but I'm interested in what others might think of these circumstances...

I anticipate a potential social trauma if my husband goes before I do. I'm Mr. K's third wife. I am very close with his first wife, but #1 and I despise #2. There were no children from the union. Am I obligated to notify her if he passes before I do? I realize that that's the purpose of newspaper ads, but I really don't want her to show up at all. Is it OK to bar someone from a wake/funeral just because I don't like the person?

I don't think Mr. K has spoken to her in years, but he was married to her just the same. I'm reasonably sure there wouldn't be a physical altercation (though there once was between us...I lost). But I simply don't want to be around her (partly based on the fact that we had that incident years and years ago, and partly because she did the same thing to #1). What's the protocol on something like this?
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  #2  
Old 07-15-2006, 01:39 PM
Hostile Dialect Hostile Dialect is offline
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You might hate #2, but think about all the emotional and monetary investment she made in your husband. It's not like they went out for coffee once and didn't hit it off. They got married! They made the strongest legally-recognized commitment of all to each other, moved in together, consolidated their finances, got their families all excited, and made plans together and then went through the emotional trauma of divorce, immediately preceded by the agonizing and probably long-fraught decision to divorce...together.

If I were her and somebody who had been that important to me passed away and nobody told me, I'd be pissed. You think there's tension between you and her now?
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  #3  
Old 07-15-2006, 01:50 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fetus
You might hate #2, but think about all the emotional and monetary investment she made in your husband. It's not like they went out for coffee once and didn't hit it off. They got married! They made the strongest legally-recognized commitment of all to each other, moved in together, consolidated their finances, got their families all excited, and made plans together and then went through the emotional trauma of divorce, immediately preceded by the agonizing and probably long-fraught decision to divorce...together.

If I were her and somebody who had been that important to me passed away and nobody told me, I'd be pissed. You think there's tension between you and her now?
Okay...let me lay out the details. Mr. K and #1 were married for many years (though I think under 10). #1 left for reasons that are unimportant to this discussion. Mr. K immediately jumped into the #2 thing. She was MUCH younger than him. She told #1 (during one of many physical battles they had) that she was "like a kid in a candy shop" and didn't want to leave the party.

They lived together for around 5 years, and she left him on their 1st wedding anniversary because he was too drunk to go out. (This whole drunk thing was a way of life at that time...no surprise there.)

She broke my thumb and tried to strangle me in my kitchen sink. I extricated myself from the situation by crawling out a window.

So...she had about 5 years of time invested, one year of marriage, and he paid her the money they agreed upon.

I haven't seen her in many years, and she called once about 8 years ago and I gave her the cold shoulder.

What's your opinion now?
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  #4  
Old 07-15-2006, 01:52 PM
initech initech is offline
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It seems like it would be appropriate you make her aware of his passing, and anticipate her attendance at the funeral, but ask that she not attend the visitation. Then again, if she is really antagonistic, she may come simply because you asked her not to. Maybe your best hope is for #2's passing before Mr. K.
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  #5  
Old 07-15-2006, 01:54 PM
Lissa Lissa is offline
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Yes, you should notify her and allow her to come to the funerl. Even if you hate her with the red-hot heat of a thousand suns, surely you can be dignified and cordial for an hour or so? (You can always quietly ask the staff to remove her if she makes a scene.)

Part of adulthood is being able to put your emotions aside for social situations in which displaying them would be inappropriate. It's much the same in the working world-- you may despise a co-worker, but you have to swallow it back in order to work together to get a project done. That's what society is-- a job. We all have to work together in order to make things function smoothly.

As I said, if she starts making a scene, you could have her removed, but for God's sake, don't join in and turn the funeral into a Jerry Springer episode. That's just tacky, and heated emotions don't excuse tacky.
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  #6  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:00 PM
Hostile Dialect Hostile Dialect is offline
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That it'd really piss me off if somebody I'd made such an important investment into passed away and I wasn't even notified. And that I'd be pretty insulted that the next spouse after me decided for me that my marriage to my ex wasn't good enough to warrant a funeral ticket, especially if I were "like a kid in a candy shop" during those 5-6 years and had to end the marriage because same ex--much older, and presumably not living in a dormitory, frat house, barracks or naval vessel at the time--put intoxication above our anniversary on his list of priorities. Whether or not she can attend the funeral is her decision. I'm not saying that Wife 2 isn't an asshole, or that Husband is/was an asshole, what I'm saying is this:

If I were already on bad terms with someone and they pulled that shit on me, it would be on. At least in my own head.

I like you, I enjoy your posts a lot, and I usually agree with you. But I gotta tell ya, not telling someone about the funeral of a person they dedicated 6 years of their life to--during which time that person could've earned a new degree and changed careers, or naturalized into another country, or done any number of significant things instead--is probably on the first page of awful things to do to someone. I understand where you're coming from, but you owe her the phone call. Take the high road.
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  #7  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:03 PM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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If you invite her and she shows up and acts like an ass, then SHE is acting like an ass. If people find out you didn't invite her, then YOU will look like an ass.

It's your decision.
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  #8  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:13 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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If it weren't for the fact that she tried to kill me I might be thinking exactly like the rest of you. But I have to ask...if someone who was twice your size tried to kill you in your own home, would you be sending obituaries to them?
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  #9  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:16 PM
Campion Campion is offline
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Me, I wouldn't tell her until after the funeral if at all. She hasn't had contact with you guys in years, the relationship was of very short duration, and there's no reason to track her down to tell her.

I think some people are overestimating the value of the marital bond, when said marital bond was of a year's duration about ten years ago (and likely to be much farther in the past when Mr. K passes) and was dissolved with no muss or fuss.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalhoun
But I have to ask...if someone who was twice your size tried to kill you in your own home, would you be sending obituaries to them?
Only the one.
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  #10  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:18 PM
Oakminster Oakminster is online now
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Oh hell no. Divorced, no kids, no reason or obligation to notify the woman. If she sees the obituary and decides to show up, just avoid her. You owe the woman nothing.
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  #11  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:22 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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For what it's worth, Mr. K and I have been a couple for almost 20 years, married for almost 10. We've known each other for over 30 (he used to be my brother-in-law, per se. #1 was my ex's sister). #1 is my son's aunt.
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  #12  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:23 PM
Oakminster Oakminster is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalhoun
If it weren't for the fact that she tried to kill me I might be thinking exactly like the rest of you. But I have to ask...if someone who was twice your size tried to kill you in your own home, would you be sending obituaries to them?
Noooo....I'd be explaining to the cops how I killed the pyscho in self defense, which would render your problem moot.
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  #13  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:25 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oakminster
Noooo....I'd be explaining to the cops how I killed the pyscho in self defense, which would render your problem moot.
I know....good idea, but I don't think I have it in me...aside from the fact that she really was 170+ lbs to my 90 bs.
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  #14  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:26 PM
Oakminster Oakminster is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalhoun
I know....good idea, but I don't think I have it in me...aside from the fact that she really was 170+ lbs to my 90 bs.
This is why Karana created large caliber handguns, and hollow points.
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  #15  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:29 PM
Hostile Dialect Hostile Dialect is offline
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Why is it your call, and not hers? Obviously she's a fucked-up person, and probably a very bad person--I don't know the details of her trying to kill you, but I believe you--but it's still not your place to decide whether or not she gets to go.
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  #16  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:34 PM
Cub Mistress Cub Mistress is offline
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When my father died, it never even occurred to me to notify ex-wives, other than my mother, of course. Ex-wife #4 did indeed come to the visitation and funeral, though. My mother, ex-wife #3, asked for and got a private visitation because she hates (yes, in the present tense) ex-wife #4 and did not want to risk seeing her. Truthfully, I wouldn't know how to contact either ex-wife #1 or ex-wife #2 , and don't actually know if either one is still alive.

A friend I'll call David died a few years ago. He had had a brief, tempestuous marriage in his teens, followed by a bitter divorce, due mostly to her infidelity. His ex tried to contact him by phone some 25 years later, because she had heard he was dying. His second wife, with whom he had been very happy, was outraged and refused to give him the message. I always thought that was sad, as my assumption was that ex-wife # 1 might want to apologize and it might have done David some good to hear the apology and forgive her. I realize that is a big assumption to make, but I still think it was sad.

Kalhoun, I'm sure it will be a long, long, long time before you need to make this decision about Mr. K's ex. Maybe she will have grown up, changed and be a better person by then, or maybe not. IMHO, you will be the bigger, more gracious person to at least notify her. After that, it's up to her to show her ass or not.
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  #17  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:38 PM
Oakminster Oakminster is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fetus
Why is it your call, and not hers? Obviously she's a fucked-up person, and probably a very bad person--I don't know the details of her trying to kill you, but I believe you--but it's still not your place to decide whether or not she gets to go.
Actually, as the survivng spouse, she has every right to decide who to notify/invite, and to chose not to invite a known troublemaker. Certainly, she has no obligation to notify the pyscho.
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  #18  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:38 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fetus
Why is it your call, and not hers? Obviously she's a fucked-up person, and probably a very bad person--I don't know the details of her trying to kill you, but I believe you--but it's still not your place to decide whether or not she gets to go.
The details are drunk and sordid, but basically I came home, she was in my house, and grabbed me by the throat, backed over into my kitchen sink, and started squeezing. In my effort to get her off me, she broke my thumb. When I tried to escape, she blocked the door, forcing me to exit through a window.

She was with my husband, who was so drunk he doesn't remember any of it, but that's really beside the point. It was less than a year since their break-up (my son was in the hospital at the time...and she knew it). Just trying to lay out the details.

Why is it my call? Why wouldn't it be? If she wants to think a good thought about him, she's welcome to do that. But why does she have to be involved in the wake/funeral? Why wouldn't it be my call, given the circumstances?
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  #19  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:43 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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Incidently, I appreciate all the input here. I've wondered for a while (given our age difference) how to handle it. I welcome all points of view. Mr. K is in his early 60s. I just turned 50.
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  #20  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:43 PM
Rachael Rage Rachael Rage is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oakminster
Oh hell no. Divorced, no kids, no reason or obligation to notify the woman. If she sees the obituary and decides to show up, just avoid her. You owe the woman nothing.
I'm with Oakminster, but never having been married, I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer the OP.

Have you asked Mr. K what HE thinks? Sure, he won't be in the position to care much who does or doesn't attend the funeral, but at least you know you would be going along with his wishes.
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  #21  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:45 PM
Ferret Herder Ferret Herder is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oakminster
Actually, as the survivng spouse, she has every right to decide who to notify/invite, and to chose not to invite a known troublemaker.
An attempted murderer, no less. I don't care what relation the person was to me or my husband, if someone tried to kill me I'm not telling them about the funeral. I'd do that if one of my husband's own siblings or parents pulled that stunt.

Kalhoun, I know bringing it up with your husband would be awkward, but do you know what his opinion on it would be?
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  #22  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:47 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vaderspal
I'm with Oakminster, but never having been married, I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer the OP.

Have you asked Mr. K what HE thinks? Sure, he won't be in the position to care much who does or doesn't attend the funeral, but at least you know you would be going along with his wishes.
Well...touchy subject. I've agreed not to talk about the man I almost left him for, and he's agreed not to talk about #2. It's that touchy. If he ever told me he wanted all the ex-wives to be there (which I'm sure he wouldn't), I would arrange for a separate viewing, I suppose. But only if he asked me. And I would expect that request to come without prompting from me.
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  #23  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:48 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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(Ditto to you, FerretHerder...our posts crossed.)
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  #24  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:51 PM
ratatoskK ratatoskK is online now
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You have to tell her. If you're truly afraid for your safety, notify the police to be available, and/or make sure a few strong guys attend the funeral. It's unlikely you'll be physically attacked.
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  #25  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:52 PM
Ferret Herder Ferret Herder is offline
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Mm, I can see the problem. I'd just hope that nothing happens before you get around to doing some pre-planning. Ask him to write up a "you really must call/invite" list; I'm sure there are some relatives or talk-once-every-few-years friends you might overlook, after all.

In absence of any comment from him, screw that; I wouldn't invite her.
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  #26  
Old 07-15-2006, 02:58 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ferret Herder
Mm, I can see the problem. I'd just hope that nothing happens before you get around to doing some pre-planning. Ask him to write up a "you really must call/invite" list; I'm sure there are some relatives or talk-once-every-few-years friends you might overlook, after all.

In absence of any comment from him, screw that; I wouldn't invite her.
Not much in the way of pre-planning. He's a vet, so I will do the veteran's funeral thing. We're not believers, so we don't have to deal with that aspect. He's an organ donor, so I'll arrange for that (against his family's wishes, I might add). And then cremation, which he's agreed to but his family has not. I have a pile of shit on the plate to reckon with, I'd reckon.

Would I ask him for a call/invite list? I doubt it. Dead is dead, as we both look at it. He won't care. It will be up to me (and vice-versa, should I go first).
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  #27  
Old 07-15-2006, 03:06 PM
AuntiePam AuntiePam is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oakminster
Actually, as the survivng spouse, she has every right to decide who to notify/invite, and to chose not to invite a known troublemaker. Certainly, she has no obligation to notify the pyscho.
I agree. Especially about the notification part. When my brother died, I didn't hunt down his four ex-wives to notify them.

Funerals are for friends and family, and Mr. K's ex is neither.
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  #28  
Old 07-15-2006, 03:06 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ratatoskK
You have to tell her. If you're truly afraid for your safety, notify the police to be available, and/or make sure a few strong guys attend the funeral. It's unlikely you'll be physically attacked.
It's really not that I'd be afraid for my safety. It's that I don't want to be around her. His siblings aren't exactly enamoured with her, so it's not like a piece of the puzzle is missing in that respect.

I'm not exactly thrilled that I have this negative emotion within me, but it is what it is. Is it carved in granite? Who knows...
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  #29  
Old 07-15-2006, 03:12 PM
Lissa Lissa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalhoun
If it weren't for the fact that she tried to kill me I might be thinking exactly like the rest of you. But I have to ask...if someone who was twice your size tried to kill you in your own home, would you be sending obituaries to them?
Well, that changes things a bit. If it was that you just didn't like the person, it's one thing. It's another think entirely when you're talking about someone mentally unstable and violent.

I retract my previous assertion in light of this new information. You are under no obligation to put yourself in harm's way.
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  #30  
Old 07-15-2006, 03:13 PM
Gatopescado Gatopescado is offline
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Funeral Protocol with Ex-spouses

Sex with corpse: out

Sex with corpse's family: game on!
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  #31  
Old 07-15-2006, 03:43 PM
Omega Glory Omega Glory is offline
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Well, I see both sides. Yes, she was pretty screwed up, but that was what, twenty years ago? It's entirely possible that she's made a change for the better, the same way your husband presumably has. I'm not saying that it was okay for her to break into your house and attack you, of course. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't tell her either, but that would be more out of spite than truly believing that she didn't need to know. She definitely doesn't have a right to attend or anything.
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  #32  
Old 07-15-2006, 04:04 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Omega Glory
Well, I see both sides. Yes, she was pretty screwed up, but that was what, twenty years ago? It's entirely possible that she's made a change for the better, the same way your husband presumably has. I'm not saying that it was okay for her to break into your house and attack you, of course. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't tell her either, but that would be more out of spite than truly believing that she didn't need to know. She definitely doesn't have a right to attend or anything.
Just to be fair...she didn't break into my home. She came in with my husband, who was confused about what he wanted to do. Was he a fucker? You betchya. But that still doesn't give her the right to physically accost me, which she did.

So now time has marched on, twenty years have passed. I'm sure she's had regrets (who doesn't). But she threatened both my security (not that she did that on her own, mind you) and she attacked me pysically. I understand she was part of Mr. K's life, but does that mean I need to acknowledge it (particularly if he doesn't ask me to)? Alcohol, violence, crime, and the like were once part of his life as well. Do I make mention of all the mistakes he's made in his life? Does the fact that she was once part of his life entitle her to be a part of his death?
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  #33  
Old 07-15-2006, 04:47 PM
AuntiePam AuntiePam is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalhoun
Does the fact that she was once part of his life entitle her to be a part of his death?
No, not unless they remained friends, and you said they haven't spoken in years. They have no relationship. She's not "entitled" to anything.
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  #34  
Old 07-15-2006, 07:44 PM
racer72 racer72 is offline
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My first thought would be it should be up to your husband. If he doesn't want her at his funeral, too bad baby. If I die tomorrow the last person I want at my funeral was my first wife and my current wife knows that. If my ex goes before me, I seriously doubt I will go to her funeral. Make that I won't go. An ex spouse has no reasonable expectation to be part of the ex's life, that should apply in death too. If you don't want her there, don't invite her.
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  #35  
Old 07-15-2006, 08:00 PM
Merhouse Merhouse is offline
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vaderspal and Ferret Herder brought up the point I was about to make, and I understand why you don't want to ask your husband about it, but I'll leave you with what happened in my family.

In 2002, for various very stupid reasons, my brother decided to completely divorce himself and his family from his immediate blood family -- my parents and myself.

Over the last couple of years my mother had been in declining health, and while she was still well enough to make decisions, she decided that if my brother didn't want to have anything to do with her while she was alive, he certainly had no need to be advised of either her deteriorating health or her imminent death. The discussion was revisited when we all realized the end was truly around the corner, and her answer remained the same.

Yes, he found out after the fact (from other relatives), and he has still not established contact with either of us, which has worked out fine for everyone.

I hope I didn't hijack this too badly, but, the fact remains, if they currently have nothing to do with each other while they are alive, why should that change if he's dead?
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  #36  
Old 07-15-2006, 08:17 PM
jsgoddess jsgoddess is online now
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Note that I am unsentimental about funerals and consider them a form of torture for the surviving family.

That said, you don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe them a viewing, or a funeral, or anything at your expense. I mean physical, emotional, and financial expense. You would be in pain, and you would want to surround yourself only with people who matter.
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  #37  
Old 07-15-2006, 09:05 PM
Rysdad Rysdad is offline
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I wouldn't tell her a damn thing, and if I was the one putting it on and she showed up, I'd have her barred from entry until I was gone.

If I'm paying, it's my bat and ball and you play by my rules or get the hell out.
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  #38  
Old 07-15-2006, 09:19 PM
PastAllReason PastAllReason is offline
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Given:
  • the lack of children
  • the length of time since their divorce
  • the absence of any relationship since the divorce
I'd question why she would want to attend the funeral.

Given her actions towards you, I'd say what she would want is immaterial.
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  #39  
Old 07-15-2006, 09:28 PM
Queen Tonya Queen Tonya is offline
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Ditto.

I'll likely attend my ex's funeral, we share offspring so it'd be only natural that I'd be there to support my child. That, and we don't have any acrimony, our lives are involved with each other because of the kid, etc.

This woman? You owe her zip, there's no way I'd track her down and notify her.
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  #40  
Old 07-15-2006, 09:45 PM
Moirai Moirai is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oakminster
Actually, as the survivng spouse, she has every right to decide who to notify/invite, and to chose not to invite a known troublemaker. Certainly, she has no obligation to notify the pyscho.

I'm with Oakminster on this one.

A funeral is no place for a scene, and it appears that #2 will almost surely cause one. Send her a note after the fact, if you want to. Or don't.
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  #41  
Old 07-15-2006, 09:47 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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I did attend my ex's funeral. He and I spoke shortly before he died and it wasn't pleasant, but I was there for my son. I think children change the situation. My aunt attended my uncle's funeral, as well. For the kids. She and my uncle's SO don't get along either, but they put on the required front and got through the day.

My husband's ex called a few years back out of the blue and wanted to chit-chat with me. The call lasted about 15 seconds. I mean, really...
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  #42  
Old 07-15-2006, 10:59 PM
MissGypsy MissGypsy is offline
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Iím pretty good friends with my husbandís ex-wife, so Iíll try this from the other perspectiveÖ

My first husband and I split on ok terms, and stayed sorta-friends for a few years. I havenít talked to him since he remarried several years ago, mostly because we have no reason to talk anymore. I would be absolutely stunned if his wife called to tell me of his passing; he and I havenít been in contact with each other for years, and Iíd be mildly surprised if his wife even knew my name. Sure, Iíd be sad if he died, but I donít think it would be appropriate for me to show up at his funeral, because I havenít been part of his life for a decade or so.

I had no idea that it was customary to notify ex-spouses when someone dies. My grandmotherís funeral would have been a carnival sideshow, if anyone had done that!
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  #43  
Old 07-15-2006, 11:18 PM
pbbth pbbth is offline
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I would send her a short note after the funeral advising her that he had passed and where he was buried/had his ashes scattered. She has no reason to be at the funeral with the people whom he was closest, but he was a part of her life and she deserves to know that he passed. She does not, however, deserve to mourn with people she assaulted and those that do not like her. She might have grown up some since then and matured a little, and if that is the case she would understand why she had not been invited but she may feel the need to deal with his passing and get some closure. Either way your safety comes first.
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  #44  
Old 07-20-2006, 09:56 AM
handsomeharry handsomeharry is offline
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It is stupid to notify somebody that has no emotional investment at all in your/his life. She walked away because there was somebody that she wanted romance with more than with him, or vice-versa.
She tried to kill you.
She doesn't owe you money, does she?
She isn't related.
I say you should notify her the same day that you notify my older brother.

Why are you even asking this question?????

Best wishes,
hh
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  #45  
Old 07-20-2006, 10:49 AM
Aangelica Aangelica is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by PastAllReason
Given:
the lack of children
the length of time since their divorce
the absence of any relationship since the divorce
I'd question why she would want to attend the funeral.

Given her actions towards you, I'd say what she would want is immaterial.
Excactly this.

I agree with pbbth. I would send a brief note after any ceremony informing her of his passing and the location of any markers and leave it at that. They were married - so informing her is appropriate, but given that she attempted to kill you, informing her in time to give her another shot at it (should she still be so inclined) is not.

Frankly, I can't imagine why people would think it's a good idea to invite her to the funeral/wake/viewing and then detail either police, funeral home personnel or beefy attendees to control her should the need arise. For Pete's sake!

If she's really a reformed person who regrets her past behavior, she'll understand her exclusion. If she's not a reformed person, then she really shouldn't come, given her past behavior.

My father's first marriage ended exceptionally acrimoniously. His first wife is still angry (not resigned, bitter, resentful - full-on angry) about the divorce to this day. It's been thirty-three years. She went off the deep end when each of my half-sisters asked me to be in their wedding, and went off the deep end again when they agreed to be in mine. She threatened to disown my oldest sister when my sister refused to exclude me from the wedding party. My father and this person were married for ten years and they share two children and four (and counting) grandchildren. My half-sisters and I have decided not to advise her of his passing (when he passes) until after the funeral. Sometimes, that is the appropriate action.
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  #46  
Old 07-20-2006, 11:59 AM
ShelliBean ShelliBean is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2000
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalhoun
Not much in the way of pre-planning. He's a vet, so I will do the veteran's funeral thing.
You're burying him in a cigar box in the back yard?

Looks like I was beaten to it, but my suggestion would be about a week after the funeral send her a clipping of the obit with a short note:

Wife #2,
I just wanted to let you know that VetMan has passed and buried at Shady Practices Cemetery. He is near the back if you would like to pay your respects.
I am sorry it has taken me so long to get this to you, but you can imagine how overwhelming the past couple of weeks have been.
Kalhoun

I am in a somewhat similar situation, but have never had to physically fend off Ex#2. I just don't like her. I think she's trash. She did many bad things to my husband during the 9 months they were married. There were no children between them (of course, that's not counting the one she became pregnant with towards the end of the marriage that was not his!) so when my husband dies, she is not even on my list to attempt to locate.
Ex#1 is a different story. Although not good friends, I would still contact her (they DO have children together) and be a gracious as possible. I would also appreciate it if my Ex-husband's wife contacted me so I could attent his funeral (we have a son together). I would, of course, sit in the back and try to be as inconspicuous as possible but I would still expect notification.
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  #47  
Old 07-20-2006, 12:43 PM
h.sapiens h.sapiens is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Since it sounds like neither of you is religious, the funeral would technically be a social event, of which you are the host. You needn't go out of your way to include anyone you feel uncomfortable with, especially since so much time has passed.

As far as notifying her after the funeral, let your lawyer, or Mr. K's sibling, or an uninvolved mutual acquaintance, send a brief official note. Your obligation (if any) is fulfilled, in the most impersonal way possible.
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  #48  
Old 07-20-2006, 12:48 PM
tashabot tashabot is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2006
I have no idea, but we've been in this situation before.

A very close family friend of ours died recently in a car accident, very unexpectedly. He was engaged to a woman who had a son.

His ex-fiancee (who cheated on him several times, stomped on his heart, and with whom he had no children) showed up at his funeral just to feel special about herself or something. She didn't give a shit about Richard, I don't think, and it annoyed all of us to have her there.

I say, if you're paying for the funeral, you have the right to tell someone to eff off. If someone else is, you don't. But you might want to discuss this with the hubby beforehand - THAT'S what's most important, who HE'D want at HIS funeral.

I'm morbid as hell, I know. Sorry, it comes with the job (I write obituaries).

~Tasha
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  #49  
Old 07-20-2006, 01:55 PM
Count Blucher Count Blucher is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oakminster
This is why Karana created large caliber handguns, and hollow points.
Well Said.

She broke your thumb? She tried to kill you in your own kitchen? You only lived to tell about it because you managed to crawl out a window, wimpering like Jamie Lee Curtis being chased by Michael Myers?

IMHO, let her read about it in the paper. Make sure you pack a loaded weapon in your purse in case she actually comes. If she attacks you, Put Her Down.


"She was the Bogeyman..."

"As a matter of fact, she was..."
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  #50  
Old 07-21-2006, 08:33 AM
Lightray Lightray is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Whether or not you notify ex#2, it's possible that someone will -- so even if you go out of your way to avoid letting her know, you'd best be prepared for her to show up and make a scene.

Tell your friends, family, and the funeral home staff that the woman has attacked you in the past and caused you serious injury. Let them know that you fear the same. And then ask the funeral home staff to keep an eye out.

That's part of their job, and they can recommend how best to avoid any potential disaster scene.
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