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  #1  
Old 07-31-2006, 05:45 PM
Belrix Belrix is offline
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Help me dominate my wife (BDSM?)

My wife has expressed some interest in some mild bondage games. I was thinking that, for fun, I'd stop by the local Fascinations store & pick up some soft rope. She's expressed interest in a soft whip (flail? multi-stranded suede thingee) and I'm unsure if she was kidding or not.

My problem is what to do with it. I don't want to sound weenie & whitebread but, well, I'm kind of a whitebread weenie. Most of my kinks have been taught to me by my wife.

Sure, I could just tie her hands to the bedpost - but I think what we're aiming for is that sense of waiting - that agony of anticipation. At least that's my guess.

So, to you, my anonymous doper community, I ask - what should I do?

How 'bout as a "Level-1", "Level-2", etc. description. If "Level-1" is well received, then where should I advance next.

With Trepidation - Belrix
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  #2  
Old 07-31-2006, 06:20 PM
Antinor01 Antinor01 is online now
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Depends. Do either of you have any actual experience with such things? That will guide the suggestions.

Let's say for the moment that you don't....where to start down the kink road?

step 1. First and most important. Talk to her, discuss what fantasies you both have and make sure that they are in synch. If they are, discuss a safeword. In the heat of the moment someone may say stop when they don't mean it...assign a particular word that you will both remember and not be inclined to use accidentely. If that word is spoken, all play stops immediately.

Step 2. Go to an adult toy store and get some fuzzy handcuffs. Sounds silly I know, but that will give you a chance to experiment with light bondage and see how she'll respond to being restrained. The point of it being cuffs is that they are very easy to remove if she ends up not being into it. Some people think they'll be into it and then freak out at being restrained, it's just good to be ready to remove them quickly.

Step 3. If she and you both end up liking it, start looking into some rope or heavier bondage equipment. Practice making quick release knots repeatedly. When you can do a quick release knot easily, play around with various restraint methods. Hands, feet, hogtied, whatever floats your boat. Just watch that it's not so tight as to stop circulation or feeling in the extremities, it's a good idea to check the hands and feet every so often to make sure no feeling is being lost. The quick releasing knots are a safety precaution, in case something happens that you have to be able to release them fast.

Always remember the cardinal rule, Safe, Sane and Consensual. And above all, have fun! Let me know if you want any other tips.
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  #3  
Old 07-31-2006, 06:32 PM
5 time champ 5 time champ is offline
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Paging Evil Captor . . . paging Evil Captor.
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  #4  
Old 07-31-2006, 06:40 PM
Ghanima Ghanima is offline
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Step 1: Make her dress the part. I recommend calling her and telling her very specifically what you want her to wear or how to prepare the scene - that way she gets to anticipate you coming home. Alternatively, you could tell her to do it when you get home.

Step 2: Reward followed by punishment...tell her how sexy she looks, but then find some fault...for example, she shouldn't have put on pantyhose, or maybe she is still wearing her panties, or maybe you wanted your martini with a twist instead of an olive. Tell her she has to be punished or she'll never learn. Order her to the bedroom or to get on all fours or whatever you or she might like.

Step 3: Tie her up and then spank her. Take your time...she'll enjoy this.

If you feel unsure about what to say, then don't say much. Just assume a firm tone. Smiling is perfectly OK as long as you make it clear she will still have to be punished. If you can, don't make the punishment sound too fun - maybe sound like you think you might have to really hurt her even if you don't want to.
If she talks and you don't know what to say or how to stay "in character" then just tell her to be quiet. Start out with "shhh" and move up to spanking or a gag of some kind if necessary. In future encounters you will feel more confident about what to do or say.

Step 4: Demand a sexual favor...your choice Then let things go where they may.

Remember, her mind will be filling in a lot of the fantasy. So you really don't have to do too much work, just create the framework for her mind to work with. Have fun!
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  #5  
Old 07-31-2006, 06:59 PM
Ghanima Ghanima is offline
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And may I add that Antinor01 has some sound advice regarding boundaries and safe words and the like. What I'm trying to convey is how to set the mood and create a "scene" for beginners.
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  #6  
Old 07-31-2006, 07:03 PM
betenoir betenoir is offline
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There are a lot of things you can do that don't involve actually pain, if you're not ready for that (Ghanima had some good ideas...in fact I'm thinking of e mailing him {assuming he's a him} )

Make her masturbate for you. Make her masturbate and not let her come. Make her come over and over. Tie her up and then make her wait for you. Buy some toys. A butt plug always makes me feel pretty dominated (TMI?) Talk dirty. Very dirty. Make evil promises you may or may not keep. You only have to seem evil.

It's all in the mind (I mean when it's not in the arse).
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  #7  
Old 07-31-2006, 09:19 PM
clairobscur clairobscur is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by betenoir
Talk dirty. Very dirty. Make evil promises you may or may not keep. You only have to seem evil.

Not everybody like dirty talk, D/s relationship or not. Same with seeming evil. Firm but very kind might be better.

I'm not advising *against* doing so, just saying that it won't necessarily be a turn-on and can even be a turn off. The OP should think about/ investigate about his and his SO preferences.
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  #8  
Old 07-31-2006, 09:45 PM
betenoir betenoir is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clairobscur
Not everybody like dirty talk, D/s relationship or not. Same with seeming evil. Firm but very kind might be better.

I'm not advising *against* doing so, just saying that it won't necessarily be a turn-on and can even be a turn off. The OP should think about/ investigate about his and his SO preferences.
Well I'm not going to argue with that. But I'm just throwing out suggestions...ones that don't necessarly involve acutual whips and chains.

But some of us like evil dirty talkers. And it's non invasive. i wouldn't want Him to be kind...but that's me. But of course he should find out what she really wants. But I'm betting some kind of talk is involved. Women love talk (why the hell don't men talk more? We love that!)
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  #9  
Old 07-31-2006, 09:53 PM
Evil Captor Evil Captor is offline
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All in all, I'd say the Dopers who've already responded have done an excellent job for you.

I think the key is to do just whatever works for the two of you. There is no formula. But from the tenor of your post, I get the impression your wife wants domination more than, say, pain play or bondage itself. People typically like some aspects of BDSM more than others, and I don't really know what your wife likes most, so I guess you just have to experiment and find out.

A lot of the things you could try would be generic sex games rather than BDSM with a different emphasis. For example, if she gets home earlier than you, or she works at home, tell her to get the floors in the living room, hallway and bedroom vacuumed. Then tell her to start masturbating about an hour before you get home -- but not to have any orgasms.

Of course, she shouldn't rub herself raw or otherwise hurt herself during this hour, but her finger or some toy ought to be doing somethign to keep her aroused, however gently, the whole time. The point is, you want her aroused and thinking about sex intensely for some time prior to your arrival. When you get home, have her strip naked in the living room. Walk around her, tell her she looks great, then order her to her hands and knees. Tell her to address you as "master" from now on and to ask permission to speak before speaking.

No matter what sort of posture she assumes when she's on all fours, tell her her knees are too close together and her butt needs to be higher and her head lower. Reach down and give her butt a good fondle once she assumes the "correct" position and tell her how hot and sexy she looks.

Then pull a few toys out of wherever and set them in a chair or on a low lying table. Tell her to carry the toys into the bedroom in her mouth, crawling as she is now. Sure, it's not a very efficient way to crawl, but the idea is to make her feel vulnerable and dominated and sexy while she crawls.

When she gets in the room, be naked. Tie her up. Have her do some oral sex. Or give her some oral sex and don't stop til she has an orgasm no matter how much she asks permission to beg and plead for more.

Point is, just have fun.

For a nice bondage touch, if she doesn't seem to be experiencing much discomfort post sex, leave her tied up, go to the kitchen and bring in some finger food -- grapes, cheese cut in chewable cubes, that sort of thing, maybe some wine -- then snuggle up to her and feed her while she's all helpless and tied up and talk about what she liked and you liked and so forth. Then go with what works.

Use or ignore any of these suggestions, point is, just have fun.
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  #10  
Old 07-31-2006, 10:17 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Belrix
Help me dominate my wife (BDSM?)
Next time, argue for two minutes before you take out the garbage!

That'll show 'er!
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  #11  
Old 07-31-2006, 11:02 PM
dbuzman dbuzman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Antinor01
Depends.
That's a different type of kink. )
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  #12  
Old 08-01-2006, 11:00 AM
Belrix Belrix is offline
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Thanks for the suggestions all.

I've tied her up a couple times in the past, just a simple loop of the bathrobe around her wrists and a loop over the bedpost. My trouble seems to be a lack of imagination. Once I had her tied, I was scratching my head and asking myself, "Now what?"

Talking dirty is probably a good idea. She tends that way while in the throes, I'm usually kind of quiet (I also ride silently on roller-coasters - go figure).

Roll playing makes me self-conscious. I feel silly and artificial. That's, honestly, why I came to you dopers for suggestions. I can't put on my Marquis de Sade hat and come up with things on my own - at least, not equipped with my current set of experiences.

So, let my ask this. My wife seemed to enjoy the bathrobe tie - seemed to enjoy pulling against it. That's all I did - tying her spread-eagled seems an obvious possibility with our four be posts. However, it doesn't seem to be a good position to actually have sex in - difficult access. When playing the dominant, it it usual to just "torment" them a bit while tied but release them to actually finish job, ie: have sex?

I still can't believe I'm discussing this: All praise anonymity.
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  #13  
Old 08-01-2006, 11:07 AM
OneCentStamp OneCentStamp is online now
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Nothing to add here except that I'm now fully aroused. At work. Thanks, people.
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  #14  
Old 08-01-2006, 11:12 AM
WhyNot WhyNot is online now
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If you place a few pillows under her hips, you can penetrate her while she's spread-eagle. You might not get the same depth, but the angle's New and Interesting for you both.

One of my favorite positions was spread eagle face down. DO NOT DO THIS IF SHE'S GAGGED! Her breathing could become restricted, and she needs to be able to tell you that. I'd have a pillow under my breasts, so my face wasn't smooshed, and he'd pour candle wax on my back and buttocks and thighs, and penetration was a little easier with me face down because I could still push my hips back and up a bit.


Mmmm....candle wax. I miss that. Hubby's not into Play. I think I might have to find me a PlayMate...
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  #15  
Old 08-01-2006, 11:21 AM
CalMeacham CalMeacham is offline
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You know, reading this thread I get this mental image of a guy saying, with clumsy lack of practice and lots of hesitation, things like " I'm going to do nasty things to you" . And it's in the voice of Bill Thompson, who did Droopy and Audubon J. Woodlore.
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  #16  
Old 08-01-2006, 11:28 AM
Waverly Waverly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil Captor
For example, if she gets home earlier than you, or she works at home, tell her to get the floors in the living room, hallway and bedroom vacuumed.
Nothing enhances that erotic cycle of restraint and release like a good vacuuming. Well, maybe waxing the floor.
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  #17  
Old 08-01-2006, 11:32 AM
Bippy the Beardless Bippy the Beardless is offline
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Check out a few books as well.
SM101 a realistic introduction
Screw the Roses, send me the thorns
The Loving Dominant
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  #18  
Old 08-01-2006, 01:11 PM
ShelliBean ShelliBean is offline
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Kudos to you for being willing to try. My husband (and most men I've been with) just aren't as into it as I was/am. The usual response was that they were afraid of hurting me and couldn't be a rough as I wanted them to so even though they tried they either weren't rough enough or were half-hearted in the attempt. Nothing is worse than knowing someone is doing something they hate just for you. It made me awful. So some things have just been relagated back to fantasy world.
Remember folks: if your loved one asks you to shove the lamp up her ass and slap her in the face with a dead monkey, it probably took a lot of courage to ask so don't reply that it you think it's weird or that you don't want to hurt her.
Having said that, I will say that I concur with OneCentStamp. Going home early today, I tell ya.
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  #19  
Old 08-01-2006, 01:36 PM
betenoir betenoir is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Belrix

So, let my ask this. My wife seemed to enjoy the bathrobe tie - seemed to enjoy pulling against it. That's all I did - tying her spread-eagled seems an obvious possibility with our four be posts. However, it doesn't seem to be a good position to actually have sex in - difficult access. When playing the dominant, it it usual to just "torment" them a bit while tied but release them to actually finish job, ie: have sex?

There are a lot of ways to tie someone up (particularly if you have a four post bed! We had to install hooks in the headboard!) If you (and she) like it from behind consider putting her on her knees, hands between her legs tied to her ankles. Believe me that's a lot of access .

Also (god remember when people didn't talk about sex???) you could tie her legs to the same posts you tie her hands to so her legs are in the air...also a very...vunerable position.

Oh and I agree with Bippy...I particularly like Screw the Roses.
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  #20  
Old 08-01-2006, 01:50 PM
Jurph Jurph is offline
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It's trivially simple to make your own (leg) spreader bar from parts you can get at Home Depot and/or Petco; 2 feet is wide enough for most folks. You can also find over-the-door restraint-hangers at most adult toy stores: these are strong nylon webbing looped around a tube of hard plastic at one end and a D-ring at the other. Slip it between the door and the frame, close the door, and you've got a standing hook. Soft-lined handcuffs are more expensive but a must-have if she's into the restraint but not the pain.

Cuff her hands to the D-ring, add a spreader bar, and have fun teasing her. If she indicates that she wants more of anything you're doing, give her a little more and then stop. If something is too intense for her, keep it up a second or two after she protests (safewords notwithstanding). Have fun!
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  #21  
Old 08-01-2006, 01:51 PM
wonderlust wonderlust is offline
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I'm returning to this thread because it haunted me all last night. I'm surprised to be quite turned-on by it because I haven't played this way before.

As a pretty vanilla woman who's tiring of passive men, I'll offer my 2 cents. My most recent lover found his way into my bed the night I met him after his very first kiss, which drove me crazy. All he did was gather a large handful of my hair at the back of my head, close to the scalp, firmly but not painfully. He took charge of the kiss by turning my head, tipping it back, or pulling it toward him, and I responded because it felt like he was taking control and very, very passionate. Later that night I let him continue to be in charge, and he positioned me how he wanted me, and very firmly directed me when not to use my hands, corrected me, or pulled me tight against him. He withheld his climax for hours, teasing me by not letting me satisfy him yet. It was my best sex ever.

Now you're whetting my new appetite and I've got no one to play with.
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  #22  
Old 08-01-2006, 02:21 PM
betenoir betenoir is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderlust
Now you're whetting my new appetite and I've got no one to play with.
I've got a suggesting for that too: bondage.com. I won't make a link because..I can't, they wouldn't like it. But it's a great site. I've met a lot of interesting people there including the one I'm in love with.
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  #23  
Old 08-01-2006, 05:32 PM
clairobscur clairobscur is offline
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I've not much in the way of concrete advices, Belrix , but I just though I would say : try not to overthink it. In my opinion, D/s is more about what you feel than what you do. If you're concentrated about "let's remember the plan. It was step 17, so now it's time to do XYZ", you might not enjoy it very much. If you're personnally attracted by D/s (as opposed to giving in something your SO fantasize about but you're not really fond of) try to *feel* dominant rather than pretend to be so, and enjoy it. She'll notice the difference.


By the way, betenoir , thanks for the adress. I'm visiting the site right now, and I wonder how I never noticed it, given its blatantly obvious name.
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  #24  
Old 08-01-2006, 08:15 PM
Evil Captor Evil Captor is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Waverly
Nothing enhances that erotic cycle of restraint and release like a good vacuuming. Well, maybe waxing the floor.
Well, there's that. And the fact that you subsequently plan to order her to crawl on her hands and knees on those floors. It's all about the planning, from the dom's POV.
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  #25  
Old 08-01-2006, 10:20 PM
Seven Seven is offline
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Tie her up over the back of a soft chair.

Blindfolded (this always added a little fun because they don't know what's going to happen next).

You can get her from behind or go round to the other side and get some happy oral action from her.

You can also bring out some new buzzing toys and suprise her. The new glass/pyrex toys are fun as well. The fun part is if she isn't expecting these things. All of a sudden she's got a strange thing in her and loving it.
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  #26  
Old 08-02-2006, 04:50 AM
betenoir betenoir is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seven
Tie her up over the back of a soft chair.

Blindfolded (this always added a little fun because they don't know what's going to happen next).
[obligatory Monty Python reference] Not the cushy chair! [/oMPr]


But I do agree with the blindfold thing...makes pretty much anything you do D/s including feathers and fuzzy bunnies....ok not fuzzy bunnies, don't involve bunnies in your sex life, that's just wrong. But it might free up your imagination a bit and make here feel more properly vunerable.
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  #27  
Old 08-02-2006, 07:56 AM
Martini Enfield Martini Enfield is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhyNot
Mmmm....candle wax. I miss that. Hubby's not into Play. I think I might have to find me a PlayMate...
What a shame you aren't in Australia...
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  #28  
Old 08-02-2006, 08:16 PM
Ferret Herder Ferret Herder is offline
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One good position that isn't too annoying for the participants but still properly restrictive is to have her lie on her back with legs bent, arms down. Match up the left ankle with the left wrist, and tie (find some nice soft robe sashes to start with). Then take another sash and tie right ankle to right wrist. This'd work for man on top or side-by-side from behind (spooned up behind her), and can create a vulnerable feeling without being overly complex.
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  #29  
Old 08-02-2006, 11:02 PM
wonderlust wonderlust is offline
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I went to that website, tried to fill out a personals profile - the checklist done scared the bezoozies outa me.

...never mind...

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  #30  
Old 08-02-2006, 11:34 PM
betenoir betenoir is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wonderlust
I went to that website, tried to fill out a personals profile - the checklist done scared the bezoozies outa me.

...never mind...

There there. No one says you have to do all those things on the first day. Or ever. But hey, the point is you know more about what the guy has done...or wants to do, than you would if you met him at a church social.

And you can make it very clear about what you don't want to do.
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