It all started in this morning’s wee hours.
I’d gotten myself to bed just after midnight, SOP around our household. It took me a little bit – perhaps 20-30 minutes – to fall asleep, which is also SOP with me; unless I’m truly whipped, it takes my brain some time to quiet down to background levels so I can concentrate on sleep. Then, too, I am preternaturally attuned to my surroundings when I’m trying to sleep, so every sudden little noise can roust me from an almost-sleep. That’s why I sleep with a fan going; the white noise helps drown out those background noises that would otherwise disturb me. Once I’m asleep though I can ignore just about anything.
Except really loud noises and quieter persistent, intermittent noises.
That’s why, at around quarter after 1 in the A.M., I was awakened by the persistent, intermittent buzzing of my cell phone vibrating on the night stand.
Who the hell would be calling me this late on a work day, I wondered to myself, irritated. Who indeed; not many have my cell number, and those that do know bloody well better than to call me after midnight. I picked up the phone and chekced the screen. It might as well have been filled with Kanji, for however I tried to fight off the spectre of sleep, my brain just couldn’t comprehend what it was seeeing. There are numbers there, it thought, it’s a phone number of some sort, but it’s all strange and unfamiliar. Screw it. stabbed the “Answer” icon on the screen with my thumb.
“Hello?” I said groggily.
With certain glowing pride tempered by dignified self-control, a wholly unfamiliar male voice on the other end proclaimed, “I am the newest member of The Powerpuff Girls!”
I know what he said. My brain processed it just fine – my ears are much more effective than my eyes when first dragged from my slumber. I just couldn’t quite make it fit into any earthly context that I had experience with. It would have been different if it was one of my friends; though we’ve all grown up to one degree or another, it was not remotely beyond the sort of ridiculous introduction one of them was likely to make. I could have dealt with that, and probably come up with some snappy retort. But this wasn’t one of my friends. I had no idea who this guy was except that, apparently, The Powerpuff Girls had eliminated their membership’s gender bias and this fellow was its first product.
All I could respond with was an incredulous, “What?!” Maybe that would buy me a few more seconds to kick my brain into gear so I could work my way through this bizarre little puzzle.
“I,” he repeated in the same level-yet-enthusiastic tone, “am the newest member of The Powerpuff Girls!”
Nope. Sorry. Still does not compute. “Congratulations,” was all I could think of before poking the on-screen hangup icon.
Before I even had the chance to set the phone back on the night table, it rang again. Once, and only once. just enough for my phone to inform me, “You missed a call.” No, I didn’t miss it. I didn’t miss it one bit, and good riddance.
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.
I set the phone back on the night table and rolled over to proceeded on my journey back to dreamland.
For about 5 minutes.
That’s when some jokester prick thought it would be funny to pull the fire alarm.
Now, I don’t know how it is in most apartment buildings except that it can vary from place to place. In my building, each apartment is fitted with a loudspeaker connected to a cenrtal PA, which is used for important announcements. This is also where the sound for the fire alarm comes out, loud enough to wake the dead and shrill enough to humble Ann Coulter. It sounded very much like the ascending tone of a fire engine’s siren played ad infinitum. Right inside your ear canal.
"Fuck, I complained, stuffing my head between two pillows, which really only shaved one or two decibels off the cacaphony. There was nothing I could do though. I wasn’t about to get dressed and leave the apartment unless I got confirmation that we were all in imminent danger of a crispy death.
Ten minutes it took before the PA crackled to life. “Attention, attention,” the firefighter announced. “This is the Brampton Fire Department. A pull station has been activated on the first floor. We are now investigating.”
Thank you Captain Obvious. Just get to it so you can turn the damn alarm off!
A minute goes by. No word. Two minutes. Nothing. Three. Four. What the bloody hell are they doing? The alarm was pulled on the first floor. They arrived, sirens blasting, on the first floor. How long does it take to investigate a fire alarm pulled on the same floor they walked in at? Five minutes. The PA comes on.
“Attention, attention, this is the Brampton Fire Department,” he repeated. “There has been a malicious false alarm on the first floor. I repeat, a malicious false alarm. You can return to what you were doing, the alarm will be disabled shortly.”
Good. Great. Just do it.
One minute. Siren still blaring.
Two minutes. Damn, just turn the damn thing off!
Three minutes. Enough already! Turn it the hell off!
Four minutes. TURN. IT. FUCKING. OFF!
Silence.
Sweet, sweet silence. Except for some serious tinitis. Small price. It was now quarter to two in the morning, and I had to be up in just over four hours. Time to sleep.
…woooooooOOOOOOOP!! woooooooOOOOOOOP!! wooooooooOOOOOOOP!!
Son. of. a. bitch.
Roll over.
The clock says 5:30am.
Miserable fucking fuckety fuck.
I stuff my head between my pillows again. Come on, I pleaded with the alarm. I just want a little more sleep! The FD arrives. No announcement this time. The alarm is disabled inside of five minutes. Only afterwards did they announce that they were dealing with a fire in a dumpster outside. The prick, I presume, who had pulled the earlier alarm decided to ratchet things up a notch.
I go back to sleep, hitting the snooze bar for the next half hour.
I wake up and notice what I hadn’t earlier. There’s a tickle in the back of my thoat.
I think I’m coming down with a cold.
Aren’t Fridays supposed to be good? Especially the fridays that fall on a payday? Especially the fridays that fall on the payday before a long weekend?
%&*%@#*@&%*$%@#…
So. How was your morning?
