Talk like a Shamus

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

like a dick, a peeper, a gumshoe.

When I jaw, plugs should listen. They spit back and I’ll give 'em the Brodrick, like eggs in the coffee, 'til they need fitted for a wooden kimono. I won’t burn powder for no two-bit palooka, just play a little chin music and he’ll close his head.

I’ll need some glad rags and a lid, I won’t go for the old gooseberry lay. Bo’d need a little lettuce, some scratch, some cabbage, if he wants to get dizzy with a dame and not look like a wrong gee.
Yes, I’m on a roll

2

You mean like an Irish monk?

3

It was a dull day in dumpsville and my .45 was making a nest in the filing cabinet, when trouble walked into the office.

She was the kind of broad who could turn you on with just a wink. And she winked a lot. She had on a tight cocktail dress that plunged deeper than an Acapulco cliff diver, but with less responsibility, and gams that started some way above her head and finished three stories below.

“How can you help me, toots?” I said with a voice like Jim Beam poured over fresh gravel.

“I need your help,” she pleaded. “If you can’t help me, nobody can.”

“Sorry, doll, I don’t do damsels in distress - or this dress.”

She threw me a withering look.

I caught it and put it in my desk drawer, together with all the other looks I’d collected that long, dark winter - astonished, disapproving, outraged, I nearly had the complete set, and some doubles I could trade with Jimmy the Shoe for his baseball cards.

She raised her eyes to the ceiling fan, and I indicated the door. “Get outa here,” I said sharply. Then I said “Sharply,” just for the hell of it.

Her face crumpled and I was going to throw it in the trash, but then she sobbed, and started back out the door. Her hand was just touching my name in reverse on the greasy pane when I had a change of heart - I was old friends with Dr Barnard - and grabbed her by a wrist and spun her round.

When she’d stopped rotating I looked her in the baby-blues and started to melt like ice in a cup of joe.

“OK babe, you piqued my interest,” I growled. And if truth be known, she also interested my peak.

4

Sure, the Mick was muscle at a creep-joint before he blew a boxjob, now he’s at the flophouse by night and the joss-house by day and his patter was as cheap as his suit. But he had whisky, and I’d been dry since breakfast.

5

It was my first day casing the joint and I was sure my incognito prey would show herself like a low-class dancer in a corner show whose advertising letters are half-out.

Sure enough, as I watched her seductive acrobatics the mist welled up like manholes at a murder scene in a midnight alley. I cornered her after the show: she squeaked in a voice that showcased her dizzylingly frail intellect:

“Of all the shamus’ shows in the world, why’d you have to walk into mine?”

6

Awright, you plugs – shut yer yaps, and keep 'em shut. Siddown, Mickey. Siddown, Ace. I’m runing this show, and I’ve got questions. Who set up the Farley job? Anyone? No? Funny, you’d think stool pigeons like yoursleves would’ve learned to sing before now. Seeing as how you’re nothing more than a bunch of rats, maybe one of you should start squeaking.
Who am I, you ask? I’m the guy who’s just given you a jawful of the butt-end of my gat, that’s who. Now get up, sweetheart. We’re not done talking …

7

To quote two of my favorite films:

“Never fails. The cheaper the hood, the snappier the patter.” (The Maltese Falcon)

and,

“Get up, Mahoney. People’ll think you’ve never been socked by a dame before.” (** Cast a Deadly Spell**)

8

You looking at me? I’d think twice about that look, sister. I may be a dumb, fat broad, but I’m the dumb, fat broad who gives you the green light go for the registrar, see? Cross me and you’ll be standing on a street corner holding a grubby square of cardboard that says “Will Work for Student Loan Payment” in no time flat.

9

The inclusion of “see?” had me re-reading this in an Edward G Robinson voice in my head, and it is SO freakin’ funny!

10

She was as cheap as my suit, but not nearly as wrinkled. She walked like a cat in heat, on all fours with her butt raised in the air. It was quite a show, but I kept my clapper shut because she might have a fin or a C note to toss my way, and I was tired of getting in and out of my sandbox through the fire escape.

11

Say, what’s got inta’ youse bohunks? Ya better not get gay wit me, boys, I’m so hard-boiled ya could roll me on th’ White House lawn!

12

Funny funny stuff guys. There was a comedian in the 80’s by the name of Tommy Sledge who talked like this and wore the typical 40’s gumshoe getup. Hysterical. Can’t find any of his material though. jjimm’s post was very reminiscent of his stand-up. Great job!

Carry on.

13

A shot of bourbon warms up a cold cup of coffee. I added enough to make it steam. “Frankie,” I said, “I can’t help you.”

Frankie’s face fell like a three-year-old on a bike without training wheels. “But Mike,” he pleaded, “if you don’t, who will?”

“I dunno. Maybe you should talk to Hymie the Jew or Smiling Sam Samelli or Three-Finger Freddy. But not me.”

Frankie said nothing, but he looked like a deer in the headlights.

Damn me for an amateur, but I got a soft spot for puppies, kittens, and past clients who jump in the deep end of a pool without knowing how to swim. “Here,” I said, pushing the bottle at him. “Have a slug. That’s all I can do for you.”

He drank. “Thanks.” He smiled a smile as weak as Grandma’s tea. “A slug of bourbon. At least it’s not lead.”

14

Here you go - there’s even a RealVideo clip of his act. Thanks for that, I’d never heard of him - brilliant.

15

She walked into my office pointing a pair of 45’s, then she pulled out a gun.

16

I would participate, but I can’t talk to whales. :wink:

17

She drew back from the embrace, then looked up at me.

“You kiss like you haven’t kissed a dame for ages,” she said tartly.

“December 12, 1948, 11:06 p.m,” Rock responded, “but who’s counting?”

18

[Tommy Sledge]

I like my women the way I like my coffee… big tits.

[/Tommy Sledge]

19

jjimm That was frigging good …for a southerner anyway :smiley: