1956 was of course the worst year that the United States had ever faced. Wracked by turmoil and social upheaval, beset by enemies within and without, the nation thrashed about like a dying, constipated beast. Whole cities crumbled into ruin amid the chaos as American society teetered on the very brink of collapse. The horror of that time has made the name of Eisenhower synonymous with anarchy even to this day. My father would never talk about how he and his family survived those grim times.
Fortunately, in the very nick of time, legislators realized the true cause of the crisis: America’s national motto wasn’t stupid enough. Like all of the country’s other woes, this disaster could ultimately be traced back to that most sinister of Americans, Thomas Jefferson. The same treacherous impulses that led him to betray his rightful King also inevitably prompted him to sabotage the fledgling nation by giving it the worst possible state motto: E pluribus unum. Not only was this an unforgivably pompous classical reference, its subversive message-- “out of many, one–” would result in a catastrophic tradition of escalating tolerance and unity that was doomed to tear the country apart in less than two hundred years.
With Jefferson’s nefarious plan finally revealed, the government was faced with the challenge of selecting a stupider, less tolerant motto to more accurately embody the national character. A list was compiled of various candidates such as “no loitering,” “if you’re so smart why ain’t you rich?” and “whites only.” However, at last “In God we trust,” a judiciously recycled version of the Confederate States of America’s motto “God will vindicate,” was chosen for its historical resonance, potential for divisiveness, and general inappropriateness. Legislators also remarked favorably on its weirdly bass-ackwards phrasing, “which calls to mind the speech of a comical Chinaman, or of some type of puppet from a science fiction serial of some kind.” The motto proved its worth immediately, as its blandly pious presence on American currency spurred an unparalleled economic boom, resulting in an age of renewed prosperity that lasted until the Carter years.
Yet now, five decades later, threats to America are on the rise once more. There’s the war on Christmas, of course; and also Iraq’s unprovoked invasion of the United States, which continues to cost the lives of American soldiers. Iran and North Korea could launch a nuclear attack on American cities at any time, if indeed they haven’t already, and Mexicans continue to occur. Is it once again time to safeguard ourselves with a new, even stupider motto? Perhaps “In God and Jesus we trust really; in fact their voices inside our heads we often hear,” or “are you ready for some football?!”
In the same spirit, I am petitioning my government to have the national anthem changed from “O Canada” to the theme song from “Hockey Night in Canada.”
Ice Wolf, there is a little thing called polictical satire that you should probably wikipedia.
I, too, have been troubled by the fact that Mexicans continue to occur. Clearly, America has not accepted Jesus as our lord and savior hard enough, or such horrors would not be visited upon the righteous.
Merely a somewhat incoherent ramble on the significance of America’s official motto, and how it might be altered or otherwise improved to better reflect the national zeitgeist. Any suggestions?
Out of curiosity, does Australia have a state motto? If so, is it stupid?
The United States new stupid motto should be “America” or “America. . . of course”? I’d vote for ""America. . . Of Course! but it’s gotta have the capitalization and exclamation point or it’s no go.
Not at all, just a very nicely tuned attack on our motto.
Of course, we had to do all we could to defend ourselves from the godless commies back then. We added God to the Pledge, McCarthy was a hero, and the Cincinnati Reds pretended that their name had always been the Redlegs.
–by which I meant, of course, “is it as stupid as typing Australia in place of New Zealand?” Sorry about that; there’s no excuse for confusing the Lord of the Rings with Crocodile Dundee.
It’s all cool, guys. I just read the OP, thought “Bloody hell, that’s clever!” – but most political satire (yes, Pullet, we do have that down here, so I know what it is) is about a specific subject, not something general like “America.” Begging all pardons – I was just curious, and seeking, as I do, further enlightenment into the ways of your culture. Have done since the early good MAD magazines.
Simple, direct and to the point. You don’t have to understand it, because there’s nothing to understand. “America - Fuck Yeah!” Only a Commie could be against that.
What it is, is an absolutely hilarious and well-written mockery of the right-wing, conservative outlook on things as they stand today, while also criticizing the fact that we went from the tasteful aphorism “e pluribus unum” to adding “in God we trust” on our money (and shoe-horned a reference to God into our pledge of allegiance), despite actively promoting the idea that the original colonies were founded primarily to escape government enforced religion, as a paranoid reaction to godless communists.
