I’ve always fancied doing one of these and have read a few articles on my situation in recent years - namely a straight woman, married, whose life turns upside down in her thirties when she falls for a woman and decides to follow a new path in life - so I wondered if there’s anyone here who’d like to know the ins and outs, as it were.
Bit of background. I was with my husband for 10 years in total (19-24 living together, 24-30 married), no kids. Had an affair with a woman at 30 (my husband got there first by having an affair with a 23 year old dancer, before you think I’m a homewrecker). Affair ended but it had awoken a side in me I didn’t know I had. Have now been in a wonderful, stable relationship with another woman for seven years, planning to take Civil Partnership ceremony (UK) later this year.
How’d the husband take it? My brother lost a girl to a woman (and was involved with another unaware-at-the-time lesbian back in high school). I think he took it well, though we never talked about it in those terms.
There is a Doper somewhere around here who was married and they both realized they’re gay. They remain great friends. How’s that for awesome?
Yes she was. In fact, both girls I’ve had a relationship with were straight. Did it matter? Hard to say looking back. Probably. I was probably irrationally scared of ‘real’ lesbians’. I wouldn’t have that attitude now, if I was ever to become single again. In fact I’d now probably prefer a lesbian, less of the ‘am I straight or gay’ angst.
He took it really well and we’re still friends. Obviosuly, I sometimes wonder if his ‘taking it well’ was a bit of front, but he’s very comfortable with his manhood and didn’t see it as a slur on him. He even said that, in a way, he was happier than if I’d met a man, as that would have felt like a straight replacement of him. Not sure how much he meant that.
With hindisght, were you truly unaware of the nature of your sexuality, for your whole life? I suppose what I’m asking is whether you feel this really was an actual change, or whether it was a revelation.
No, I wasn’t aware at all. I was always a bit of a tomboy as a child (Action Man had so much more fun than Barbie), but so are so many girls and it doesn’t mean they’re lesbian. I actually found the thought of even kissing girls really icky, right up to my friend making a pass at me. It took a lot of alcohol and a pretty wild night for me to change my opinion pretty radically.
When my friends found out, one old school friend said she’d always thought I had lesbian tendencies, which I can’t work out at all. I had more boyfriends than she ever did
However, and I can’t work out whether this is relevant or not, but I always felt very choosy about men. I never fancied men on first sight or oggled men in the street the way some of my female friend did - I only tended to fancy people that I had got to know really well. Nowadays, I don’t tend to oggle women either, but do recognise that I now find more women attractive than I ever did men.
If, hypothetically, your current relationship ended badly, would you consider dating either a man or a woman, or are you only interested in women now? In other words, did you realize that you were actually bisexual, or realize that you were actually a lesbian who was never really interested in men?
I think I’ve answered the first bit above, but as for the ‘sudden change’ bit. I think it was pretty sudden. During my first affair with a girl, I think I was in a bit of denial. I knew the other girl saw it as a fill in between men, so I convinced myself of the same - just one of those things a girl’s gotta do once in her life. Once that was over, it was like, ‘well that’s one for the sex chapter of my memoirs, now back to men’. I had a few unfulfilling short term relationships with men before finding my current girlfriend. That’s when I finally admitted to myself that I really did like girls best. However, it’s taken me a good few years to stop describing myself as bisexual, mainly because admitting such a drastic lifetstyle change was a lot for me (and my friends) to take on board.
For many years I said that, if I was suddenly single, than I was as likely to go out with a man as a woman. ‘It’s all about the individual’ was my mantra. It’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve come round to the idea that I really do prefer being with a woman - not just sexually but also emotionally. Its not out of the question, but I think if I did go out with a man the lesbian side would always be nagging away at me.
Did the friend who made a pass at you that led to this revelation also come out? Or is she “in denial” or is she straight?
How long was the process from having a pass made at you to the statement to yourself “I am a lesbian.”?
What was it about the incident that caused you to evaluate your sexuality? I mean, did it feel “right”? Or better than it ever was with a man? What was it about a sexual act that started you down that path?
What was your attitude toward homosexuality before your realization? I mean, beyond “icky.” Were you pro-gay rights? Pro same sex marriage?
No way. She dumped me for a man - she’s now married with two children. I’d say she was (is?) bisexual - she admitted that she’d always had sexual fantasies about women (which is more than I ever had) and her husband has a pretty big problem with me still being her friend. Let’s just say I wasn’t invited to the wedding.
Years. It’s been eight years since that first pass and almost seven years with my current girlfriend, and I’ve been calling myself bisexual up until a year or so ago.
It was definately the sex. It was very exciting and satisfying. Best sex I’d ever had by a mile.
Definately pro-gay rights and pro-same sex marriage. I live in a very liberal society within a very liberal circle of friends so being pro-gay rights has always been a no brainer.
Well, I don’t really have any questions, but congratulations on your Civil Partnership! My best friend was getting married (to another woman) last year, but she actually broke it off and is now living with someone else. She always called herself “bisexual” in high school, and one day she said, “You know, am I really bisexual, or do I just say I’m bisexual because that way I can still cling to the hope of living a “normal” life?” Ever since then she’s called herself a lesbian.
It’s relevant, because I love her. I’m a very straight girl, but when I was in high school I actually went through a phase where I thought I might be in love with her. I tend to fall in love with people’s souls, not their bodies. I think sex with a woman might be interesting–well, maybe even AMAZING, because who knows womens’ bodies better than another woman? My husband is utterly perplexed with the female anatomy. Now that I’m married all possibility of a lesbian tryst has gone out the window.
I’d like to believe that sexuality doesn’t HAVE to be genetic–that sometimes you can just have paradigm shifts or be naturally open-minded or experience an event that changes everything. That sounds kind of like what happened to you. I think there’s a danger of attacking sexuality as something that’s “not a choice”–because it implies that there is something wrong with people who do make that choice. As long as it’s “not a choice” it can be vilified as some kind of psychological disease instead of just a variant of human behavior and free will. (For what it’s worth, I definitely believe there is a huge biological component–I know way too many men who swear up and down they were in love with other boys from day one.) But I also know a lot of people like you–and people like me, who, though I feel 100% straight, I could probably be quite happy living with another woman for the rest of my life. Why can’t there be a spectrum, and everything on that spectrum be welcome and embraced?
My 16-year-old sister-in-law is going through a similar kind of thing right now. She calls herself bisexual but doesn’t seem particularly interested in boys at the moment… though she liked boys a lot just a couple of years ago. Certain family members believe she’s “acting out” because they can’t understand how someone so stereotypically feminine could really be attracted to other women. :rolleyes: I’m glad I was friends with so many people who dealt with sexual orientation issues in high school, because it gives me some clue as to where my sister is at right now, and allows me to a be supportive in a much more empathetic way.
Yeah, rambling… best of luck to you both!
Hey thanks for the ramble, you speak a lot of sense! I certainly believe that sexuality is something very hard to define for a lot of people, myself included. No doubting that many people regard themselves as gay from ‘day one’, but I suspect there’s a lot more who see there sexuality shift over the years. Depends what life throws at you I suppose.
What I find interesting is that it seems more gay men than women have a very black and white view of sexuality, whereas I know LOADS of women who are varying shades of grey. Why, I wonder? Is it because coming out is a bigger deal for men? Is bisexuality more acceptable for women than men? So many questions, so few answers.
