Lying, miserable students

The BBQ Pit
1

This is a joyless pitting.

I recently realized that lying students have turned me into a monster–a heartless, stone-faced woman who listens to tales of unimaginable tragedy and demands a note. Even when I see the looks on the faces of the students who are obviously hurting–the young man who, already suffering from many other ailments, comes to me because his father has died; the junior I have known since he demonstrated such promise as a freshman coming to me, broken and finally defeated, after spending two weeks watching his sister die; the girl who wants to support her brother who is on trial for murder–and I want to reach out and offer meaningful support beyond an “I’m sorry,” I feel a block. A voice inside my head says, ‘Get the documentation.’ That voice breaks in because it seems there are three liars for every truth-teller. That voice breaks in to remind me of the hours I have pissed away at the expense of my own career trying to accomodate and aid people whose untruths were later exposed. That voice breaks in, and I am ashamed that I can be so easily manipulated. I remember feeling like a fucking idiot. And I grow just a little more hard-hearted.

Oh you shit-eating, damnable liars…

You worthless little cheats who have preceded these poor people! You barbarians, assaulters of all that which would mediate and civilize mankind! Destroyers of pity! Violaters of trust! Thwarters of sympathy!

It pains me to even consider calling anyone a waste of skin, but you lot skirt the line. Because of you unthinking, irresponsible brats, I am forced into a position where I must spit in the face of everything I value as a teacher of the liberal arts. I preach the virtues of discretion and the necessity of developing mature judgment, and I believe that they are the accouterments of civilized people. Yet I demand of the mourner what I demand of the liar, denying dignity to the anguished. I am forced to follow strict policies drafted in the wreckage of the lying pieces of shit that came before you and I must treat everyone the same, lest you corrupt and decaying members of the student body exploit a loophole or a perception of “unfairness” en route to that which you absolutely do not deserve.

You have turned me into a bitch! You have forced me to endure hurt and hateful glares when I demand those programs or those obituaries. But that never crossed your minds, did it, you demonic little fuckers?

One day, this nonsense will cease. On that day, beware, you abominable tricksters! On that day, O Deceivers, I shall claim vengeance not only in the name of your own peers, but in the name of those who came before you. I will exact justice on you foul creatures that day, and I will drink to the strength of those others that night.

2

I would read this, but I have to drive my uncle to the penis-cleaner.

3

Tell us what you really think!

On behalf of myself and all of my friends who killed off generations of family members, maimed others, and had more doctor’s appointment than a terminally ill, disabled, pregnant woman, I am very sorry.

True, it was over 20 years ago but when you’re a young little shit, you don’t really think about the feelings of the person that you are manipulating.

4

Man, all my homework was in the pre-computer era. What a goldmine modern technology must have yielded in excuse fodder. Some of us had to work it old school. Ungrateful little whipper-snappers!

5

I worked for an employer which was quite strict about paper documentation for excuses. Doctor’s note, death certificates, and all because some folks took advantage.

6

I don’t see the problem. They are the ones wanting special treatment, so they should be providing you the documentation without you even having to prompt for it. When I teach classes at University, I have the policy of “don’t even e-mail, phone, or come into my office asking for an exception without the documentation preceding you.”

Just let one of your assistants act as a gatekeeper. That is, not that they will be trusted to judge the validity of the exception, but that they keep people who say “yeah, um, like, someone died…and I think I have to be gone that week…their name? Um…Abraham Lincoln…or the other one” out of your hair.

7

I think this is a legitimate rant. I get it completely. I agree that people should just assume you’re going to need documentation and be prepared to provide it before even approaching you, but I do sympathize. Which is a big problem with me!

I’m easily taken in by almost any hard-luck story - I WANT to trust people, I HATE thinking people would abuse my sympathetic nature. But it does happen, and I then I find myself not quite as trusting to the next story, no matter how convincing it is.

8

My. . .um. . .mother died. And I need 5 grand to see to it that her final wishes are followed as the disposition of her remains.

No, really.

Pinky swear.

9

Word.

You know, whenever I have a legitimate excuse for something, I always offer documentation without even being asked. I understand in the event of someone’s death it would be harder, emotionally, to have to procure documentation. But when I had Jury Duty and I gave the necessary documentation, my professor just kind of rolled his eyes and said something like, ‘‘People don’t lie about stuff like that.’’ So it seems to vary among educators whether they want proof or not.

I would just try not to feel too guilty about needing verification. You’re just doing your job and most students should understand that.

10

Author! Author! A very well written rant. I hope you teach English.

11

I want you to know that I am very proud of myself right now. I recognize that this post is in jest, and that there’s no way you could actually know what happened when my Mom died last year.

It’s just a message board, it’s just a message board…

(No, I’m really not offended. Your timing on this comment sucks, but there is no way you could have known that.)

12

I don’t see why the process was to be so wrenching on everyone.

Say, “I’m terribly sorry for you loss,” and offer them a few moments to see if they need in additional support, if they’re in touch with campus resources like psychological help if the events are affecting them dramatically, and then explain, “of course, pursuant to my universities policies and because unfortunately some other people might choose to abuse those excuses, I do need to have some type of documentation for these events. A few examples for appropriate documentation might include…”

Do so in a tactful, respectful manner that allows for both the student’s delicate emotional state and your needs to adequately document any alleged event.

13

Good rant.

I sometimes feel like a heel asking for documentation of illnesses or family tragedy, but the fact is that, if you don’t, you end up getting screwed over by the dishonest. As with so many other things in life, the assholes and the liars make life more difficult for everybody.

Forgot to add:

At the college where i’m teaching a class this semester, if the student has a major crisis of some sort, the Dean of Student Development’s office makes sure that the student gives them any necessary documentation. Then, the Dean’s office sends out emails to all the student’s teachers informing them of the student’s circumstances. It’s nice, because it means that we don’t have to be the illness-and-death-and-depression police.

14

Have you thought of getting a “In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash” sign for your office?

It would subtly get the message across that you are a hard-hearted monster with whom none may trifle unless their papers are in order.

You are quite right though. I have seen many episodes of “Cops” in which suspects swear up and down that someone else must have left those drugs in their car (sometimes random passersby throw drugs into their car). I think they may be lying. :cool:

15

I think it’s a great rant. I too hate the way dishonest, disrespectful people with no integrity cause everyone else to live down to their level.

I don’t understand your last paragraph, though, ACC. You’re not, um, planning to go up the clock tower, are you?

16

stolichnaya: I wish the excuses were that entertaining; then I wouldn’t be so dour!
GLWasteful: I actually had a student beg me for money for gas once. :slight_smile:
gigi: Situations like that really burn me. Those sorts of policies end up being a slap in the face and insult to the vast majority of people.
Liberal: Thank you for your compliment. I am not in English, but I am a composition tutor.

Oh, I know I’ve read plenty of threads on here directed toward internet plagiarists, and I know of a few students who have tried to fabricate documentation (though this particular tactic hasn’t been tried on me yet). I do have a few spectacular email missives begging me for mercy.

I did try to keep myself in check because I know that there’s lots of time for redemption, as it were, and that I’m sure I’ve transgressed myself (not in this particular way, but…)–the OP was just built-up hurt expressing itself. Most of the grad students/profs I know have these moments. I spent the weeks before Christmas consoling one colleague who caught a number of plagiarists in his class, including one student for whom he had written a rec letter. I’ve known the guy for years, and I’ve never seen him so wounded.

I would actually modify your last sentence a little bit–I think part of the problem is that students don’t really think of profs/teachers/instructors as actual people, and can’t imagine them being hurt or upset. :slight_smile: I actually try to counteract this by being quite human in my classes–I swear, I talk about my foibles and lesser moments, hell, I almost started crying the other day after reading a piece that I find terribly moving. I’d run through a wall for my students, and most of them would return the favor. That makes the bum students hurt all the worse.

Upon preview, I see that Life on Wry and mhendo have spoken to my opinion very well:

Yeah, I pretty much hate feeling like a heel; at some level, the concerns here are the residue of the admittedly immature desire for all my students to like me all the time. However, I truly hate feeling as though sympathy–which is one of the things I genuinely like about my personality–is a weakness. I think this is what I find so galling about it, threemae. The procedure of asking for the documentation itself used to be very painful for me. I felt like I was slapping students in the face and calling them liars without provocation, and I still do at some level, but I can do what must be done. Also, some of them do get very hurt and offended. :frowning:

Well, I’m still an ABD, so I don’t and won’t have any assistants. :wink: I do like your suggestion that I demand all the documentation up front. It won’t be a perfect solution–I’ve had truly awful students (one was the inspiration for the OP) who have fabricated conversations with deans (here they are a bit notorious for being a bit generic with their “student has issues, help student please” letters) and lied about transcripts/graduation status, conversations with chairs, vice-chairs, secretaries, etc. The fact that I have to check on the documentation is supremely annoying to me.

While I am opposed in principle to adding yet another fucking policy to my miserable syallbus-cum-contract (I have FOUR PAGES of policies–all of them generated after one bad experience after another), I will probably do so and make them include documentation of the details of their conversations with other University authorities. Thanks for the advice–I’m still learning how to do this and how to deal with the emotional aspect of teaching, which is far more powerful than anyone warned me it would be.

olivesmarch4th: I know that most of my students don’t bear me lasting ill-will, but for that split second that their faces contort in anger, my heart breaks. However, as we’ve well and truly established here, I’m a sap. :stuck_out_tongue:

Jackmannii: One day, when I have an office, I will get such a sign. I really am quite lucky; I’ve got my first-day harridan act down and manage to chase away most of the the real headaches before add-drop finishes.

featherlou: No need to worry about me–the “one day” is the day I get tenure and can start behaving like my dissertation committee members who pretty much do what they want with plagiarists and liars and laugh at the possibility that someone might slap them on the wrist.
(Please, no one destroy my fantasies about freedom and tenure yet–let me defend first!)

17

When I was doing my student teaching, my mentor said to me “do everything reasonable to prevent cheating, but also remember that if they get away with it, they are the ones that go to hell, not you.”

It was really good advice. It’s OK if once in a while someone gets an extension on a paper they didn’t really deserve. It’s not optimal, and do what you can to prevent it, but don’t tie yourself up into knots worrying about it. They are going to get away with stuff. You could stop all cheating and lying if you made it your first priority, but would the light be worth the candle? Is making sure than Suzie Q doesn’t get a B in Freshman Comp when she deseverved a C really worth becoming so suspicious of everyone that you sacrifice Jeanie and Dorothy and John’s relationships with you?

I teach hish school, which is a different thing, but I’ve sat there and watched a kid cheat on insignifigant quizzes and not said anything because it was a kid who was really borderline on staying in an AP class and in whom I saw a lot of promise. If I’d come down on him for cheating on vocab quizzes, he’d have bolted from my class, and I knew my class was the only intellectual challenge he had. So he made a 73-78 each grading period instead of the 68-73 he’d have made otherwise. It meant he wasn’t getting everything out of my class, but he was still getting more than he would have in regular English. Was that fair to the other kids who studied? Nah. But it wasn’t hideously unfair–not like he was in compition for class rank–and it was better for him.

I guess what I am saying is that you seem to be taking this so personally. Yeah. they will lie to you. But when they get away with it, it doesn’t make you a failure.

18

Wouldn’t THAT set up an ironic situation?

STUDENT: I had a death in the family.
TEACHER: Do you have documentation?
STUDENT: You know that teacher who is always a hardass about getting documentation? She went up in the clock tower and shot my brother.

19

I blame the modernd politician, of whom the most visible examples are Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush. Such leaders used to consider themselves role models. Well, of course they still are, and today’s youth have grown up in a world where the great leaders of their nation have consitently exhibited their apparent belief that it’s not *wrongdoing * that’s actually wrong; it’s only wrong not to be able to convincingly lie your way out of it.

I honestly believe this kind of behavior trickles down through the culture. There was a time when the most prominent presidential anecdotes were George Washington admitting to chopping down a cherry tree (apocryphal though that may be) and Abraham Lincoln walking ten miles to return a penny. Today’s presidential anecdotes revolve around such thing as Reagan’s “I can’t recall,” Clinton’s “That depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is,” and GWB’s “We’ve never been ‘stay the course.’”

Disgusting, and injurious to generations of kids to come, IMO

20

My father died on the Sunday of the first week of classes my senior (5th) year of college. I was fortunate enough that I wasn’t required to provide any documentation when I called to reserve my spots in full classes - typically if you didn’t show up the first week, they would boot you and let in someone on a wait list. I suspect I could have provided anything required, though, since I ended up doing most of the funeral arrangement discussion and that sort of thing.

In grad school I was a teaching assistant for the lab part of an experimental psych class, and got really weary of the excuses, but at least there weren’t any deaths (real or invented) to have to deal with.