I hate people who talk down to me

[Indygrrl]

For instance, yesterday I went to a conference at my daughter's school. She is in special education and it was a transitional meeting to talk about middle school and related things. I've probably been to 20 or so case conferences throughout my daughter's elementary years, so I'm pretty well-versed in the lingo and the way they go about things.

So we're sitting there and everytime the instructor hands me a page (of goals and stuff like that) she would read it aloud as I was looking at it. The first time I said, "Yes, I already read that part, I understand," but she kept doing it. And each time I'd tell her that I had already read through it. It was all I could do to keep from throttling her.

And then when I'd speak up to tell the new teacher things about my daughter she'd look away or get distracted by someone else in the room. I found this to be incredibly rude and it go to the point that I would stop in mid-sentence until she put her attention back on me and then I'd continue. I felt like they were trying to talk over me about my own child, and that just doesn't cut it. I've been my child's advocate her whole life and no one knows her better than I do. For them to sit and act like they don't need my input was incredibly frustrating and I will not put up with it if they try to pull it again.

Unrelated to that scenario, I just called my doctor's office to reschedule an appointment and the receptionist starts telling me the open appointments for next week. The first one she said was 11:45 on Wed., so I said, "Ok, that would be fine, Wed. at 11:45 works for me." But she kept listing all of the other times and days that were available. I had to repeat myself three times about the Wed. appointment.

I'm an intelligent woman and I feel like people who work in schools and in the medical world talk down to me as if I couldn't possibly read and understand things for myself. I'm sure they do this to everyone, but that doesn't make it any less aggravating.

Apology for the boring thread, it is truly mundane and pointless.

[carnivorousplant]

Seems as though you have been dealing with rude or stupid people lately.

[Turek]

Originally Posted by Indygrrl

Apology for the boring thread, it is truly mundane and pointless.

There, there. Don't you worry your pretty head about. Just let us grownups take care of everything.

[gigi]

I'm sorry, did you say something? Let me read your thread back to you to make sure we all understand.

Sorry for the crap.

[whiterabbit]

At least you are trying to stand up to them; I bet too many parents don't, which is why they act the way they do. Yes, I'm sure they think they have your daughter's best interest in mind, but she's not their kid, she's yours!

[Count Blucher]

In my experience, a few bad teachers think these conferences are really one-way transmissions of data, which you are to absorb and not question. The 'any questions' part (to one of them) is offered merely as a nicety where they smile politely & double-talk you out of their building so that they can get on with their day.

Thankfully, good teachers vastly out number bad teachers.

PS- if it happens again, simply stop and ask "Excuse me, Mr. Distraction /Miss Direction, do I have your full attention? Excellent. The point I'm making is this..."

[AHoosierMama]

The principal at my daughter's school nods her head like a bobble-head chihuahua on the dashboard while talking to anyone, including the parents. I think in that profession you get used to dealing with kids all day and pretty soon you treat everybody like one.

[emmaliminal]

Originally Posted by AHoosierMama

... I think in that profession you get used to dealing with kids all day and pretty soon you treat everybody like one.

Double ditto. I work in textbook publishing and many of my co-workers are former teachers. You can usually tell which ones have the most teaching tenure: they're the ones whose voices cut through any other noise in the building, including what's coming out of YOUR mouth. They're the ones who can't be interrrupted and yet interrupt regularly. They're also the ones who write the best stuff for kids, but it's no fun to have more than one such in any given meeting!

Indygrrl, I suggest you make like a grumpy grizzly bear and bite them. Harder to do over the phone, but very effective, and soothing to the soul.

What?

[Kalhoun]

Hmmm. I think I'd call the school and schedule a meeting for them. It sounds like they had an agenda of things they have to discuss with you. YOU weren't penciled in for expressing your take on it.

If you're the chair, YOU make the agenda. Sounds like that's the only language they understand.

I'd type it up and pass it out at the beginning of the meeting, too.

[Hypno-Toad]

Here, let me tell you why you hate it...

[norinew]

Ah, I feel your pain! Fortunately for me, the staff, teachers, and special educators at mudgirl's school are very good. But our last trip to her pediatrician actually led me to switch pediatricians for her! Now, I started seeing this ped when my oldest daughter, then about 15, was diagnosed with a blood disorder called ITP. He was the ped in the area with lots of ITP knowledge. And it didn't seem to make sense to switch one of the kids to a different doctor, so I switched them all.

Fast forward to a few months ago, mudgirl's annual check-up. Now, mudgirl is 7, and is overweight. I don't pull any punches on that. She (unluckily) got her mommy's genes. But she is far more athletic than either of my other girls (who were never overweight at that age) are. And while she likes junk food just like any other kid that age, I limit the amount of junk food she gets, buy only whole-grain bread, lowfat milk and dairy products (for the kids; I get the full-fat stuff for myself because it's better for me, personally). So, here's how the conversation with the ped went:
Him: I'm a little concerned about her weight. She's in the 90th percentile for height, but above the 100th percentile for weight.
Me: Yeah, I know. I try to do the best I can. . .
Him (running right over me): She needs to be more active.
Me: Well, she rollerskates, take dance class, bike rides, skateboards, does gymnas. . .
Him (running right over me): She needs to spend more time outside; less time watching TV.
Me:
Him: And you need to be giving her whole grains, lowfat milk, fruits, vegetables and lean meats.
Me: I only buy whole grains. . .
Him (running right over me): Well, a lot of these breads that say whole wheat really aren't

On and on it goes, with me getting increasingly frustrated.
Several days later, I called the biggest pediatric practice in town to discuss switching her. I told the nurse there of my frustration with Menchavez pediatrics. The nurse said "Wow, that must be frustrating. How long has it been since they tested her thyroid?" What?? They've never tested it. Never even mentioned it. (Not to mention her new practice is open 8AM to 8PM Mon-Fri and 8AM-5PM Saturdays, and keep 6 unbooked appointments open every day for same-day appointments).

Anyway, yeah, being talked down to just about pisses me off.

[Dinsdale]

Originally Posted by Indygrrl

So we're sitting there and everytime the instructor hands me a page (of goals and stuff like that) she would read it aloud as I was looking at it. The first time I said, "Yes, I already read that part, I understand," but she kept doing it. And each time I'd tell her that I had already read through it. It was all I could do to keep from throttling her.

Not sure if it is the case here, but I have encountered situations where individuals were required to read specific scripted language as a way to protect against future claims that the other party had not been adequately informed. So the party can't say, "I don't know what it said. I was just told to sign it but wasn't given enough time to read it."

Just a thought. I agree that there is no excuse for a teacher not giving you their full attention in a meeting concerning your kid, and that it sucks to be talked down to. That's one reason I'm glad I'm tall...

[Ca3799]

Our elementary also reads the whole IEP page by page, too. I think it is a requirement. I usually just take a list of points I wish to make and add a note about anything that comes up during the reading for later discussion.

Here's how my dentist visit went recenty:

Me: (signing in) Hi. My appointment's at 5:15.

Her: They left early today.

Me: (annoyed) Why did they leave early when I have an appointment at 5:15?

Her: Your appointment was for 3:15.

Me: Oh, so, they didn't leave early. I am late.

Her: Yes.

Me: Well, why didn't you just say so?

Her: (brain shuts down or something).

Me: Well, I'd like to make an appointment, then.

[Santo Rugger]

Originally Posted by norinew

<snip>
Him: I'm a little concerned about her weight. She's in the 90th percentile for height, but above the 100th percentile for weight.<snip>

How does that happen!

Perhaps he's really not in any position to be talking down to you?

[norinew]

Originally Posted by Pygmy Rugger

How does that happen!

Perhaps he's really not in any position to be talking down to you?

Didn't make much sense to me, either. But obviously, he was not a guy I was going to get answers out of.

See, in that particular practice, there are two pediatricians, and two nurse practitioners. The NP's are wonderful, one of the peds is okay, and this other bozo. . .well, I guess they don't need our money any more.

[Harriet the Spry]

Originally Posted by norinew

Him: I'm a little concerned about her weight. She's in the 90th percentile for height, but above the 100th percentile for weight.

This is sort of a hijack, but while we're ripping on the percentile figures...

I read recently that they haven't updated those percentile charts in several decades. In theory, this is because so many children are overweight and obese now that they don't want to give the impression that 50th percentile necessarily represents healthy weight. But I think it's safe to assume that way more children are at the "90th and 100th percentiles" these days than any conventional use of math would have you believe. Also, how relevant is weight compared to age, anyway? Is 90th percentile for height and 100th for weight any worse than 50th percentile for height and 60th percentile for weight?

Anyway, if mudgirl does have any health problems I wish her luck getting those taken care of, and if she doesn't I wish her luck not letting some outdated chart mess with her self-esteem.

[norinew]

Originally Posted by Harriet the Spry

Anyway, if mudgirl does have any health problems I wish her luck getting those taken care of, and if she doesn't I wish her luck not letting some outdated chart mess with her self-esteem.

Thanks. If she's going to have self-esteem problems, people are going to have to work hard at giving them to her. She's an independent little thing, and while I always praise her for doing well, she's very self-validating. This will serve her well as she grows up.

One of the reasons I wanted to change doctors (aside from the idea that he was a condescending asshole) is that I don't want her to have a primary care provider who only ever looks at her weight, and is dismissive of everything else. I've had doctors like that before, and I hate it!

[Anaamika]

I have developed a veritable never-ending font of patience over the years but being talked down to is still one of those things that will get me all het up. It makes me see red.

Yes, I'm working on this problem. But it's just so rude!

[Sean Factotum]

Originally Posted by Dinsdale

Not sure if it is the case here, but I have encountered situations where individuals were required to read specific scripted language as a way to protect against future claims that the other party had not been adequately informed. So the party can't say, "I don't know what it said. I was just told to sign it but wasn't given enough time to read it."

But I'm sure if the teacher said something like, "Yes, it is easy to read and understand, but I'm required to address each point individually," Indygirl would haveunderstood. But they didn't, and kept up the appearance of talking down to her.

[ladybug]

Originally Posted by Dinsdale

Not sure if it is the case here, but I have encountered situations where individuals were required to read specific scripted language as a way to protect against future claims that the other party had not been adequately informed. So the party can't say, "I don't know what it said. I was just told to sign it but wasn't given enough time to read it."

That was my thought, too. The school/district probably does this to cover itself in case the IEP is challenged down the road.

Indygrrl, would you mind if I share your story with a coworker? He writes about IEP meetings, and there might be a story in this.

[Rilchiam]

I think it's sometimes a matter of people only hearing the first half of a sentence, or only selected words.

Me: Well, we can't ask Dan; he'll be in New York by then.

Them: No, Dan will be in New York by then.

Me: I just said that.

---------
Me: Of course, I couldn't go down Main Street because they're doing construction.

Them: They're doing construction on Main Street.

Me: I KNOW.

I hate being put in the position of looking as if I didn't know the condition of Main Street, or Dan's schedule. And I hate being "corrected" when I wasn't wrong in the first place. Then again, perhaps these people are just on autopilot, and do that with everyone.

[Chimera]

Stop talking. Look them straight in the eye with a slightly (only *slightly*) less than pleased look on your face. Clear your throat if you have to get their attention.

When they stop, do not say anything until they address you directly.

Then CALMLY ask if they have been listening to what you have been saying, or something equivalent.

Most people will get the clue.

Worst case scenario, I will end the conversation right there and tell the other person that we can continue when they aren't so distracted, or when they're willing to listen, or something like that (depending on circumstances).

If it's just a matter of patronizing tone of voice, I suggest adopting the exact same tone of voice in response. Won't take 'em long to figure it out. The humor of it can be used to break the tension.


Then again, you might be dealing with a Gerald. He's a former friend who would get specific Ideas stuck in his head and only listen for things that matched up with his fixation. Nothing you said that contradicted or failed to agree with his intent would get past the filter. He could be incredibly frustrating to deal with and I eventually got rid of him because of it.

In that case, GOOD LUCK.

[tomndebb]

Originally Posted by Indygrrl

And then when I'd speak up to tell the new teacher things about my daughter she'd look away or get distracted by someone else in the room.

On first reading, I thought that it was the current/prior teacher doing this, consistent with the talking over and reading aloud stuff. On re-reading it, it sounds as though this was next year's teacher doing this. If this was the new teacher, I would schedule a meeting with her, NOW, to make sure she was not just having a bad day. If she continues to behave in the same fashion, acts patronizing, or otherwise acts as though she will not work with you, get your daughter re-assigned to a new teacher, immediately, or (if the district is too small), make sure that the teacher knows that this will not be tolerated and go to the district Special Ed director with your concerns.

The overwhelming majority of both of my kids' teachers were outstanding, but the two who were less than good caused problems with my kids' educations with ramifications that extended well past the years they had them in class.

(I would make the effort to find out her actual attitudes before I got belligerent--this time of year, those teachers are running on adrenaline from preparing all the outgoing IEPs while absorbing all the incoming kids' IEPs. She might have just had a bad day and I would want to give her the benefit of the doubt. However, that benefit only extends so far and I would not want to start next year with a problem. There is enough in the way of new school/new classroom/new classmates disruption at the beginning of the year to mask problems with the teacher, initially, and October is a bad time to be trying to sort it out and make corrections, particularly if they involve staff and room assignment issues.)

[Indygrrl]

I'm very pro-active about my daughter's education. I met up with the teacher over a month ago of my own doing. I called and scheduled a visit to the classroom and went to check it out, meet her, and get a feel for the school. So, she knows I'm all business when it comes to my kid.

I also have my own speech and behavior therapists that my daughter sees outside of school. These types of things get you taken more seriously when dealing with the special ed. teachers and departments. If they know they have someone (besides me) to be accountable to, they pretty much have to do what they say they are going to do.

It still annoys me in meetings when they pull this kind of crap. But since that was the last meeting with the old school, hopefully I made an impression on the new school people that says I'm not going to take any BS from them. It really is in their best interest to listen to what I have to say. I'm not one to take things lying down. And when it comes to my kid I'm in charge!! It is in their best interest to take me seriously.